Epilogue 35: Ember Island

"I have everything I ever wanted. But it is not at all how I expected it to be." Zuko paced his room staring at the travel back he had half packed. He put his silver band in the little pouch he carried under his belt. Mai was right. It might get him killed. Then what good would he be at protecting Faelin and his… He sat on the floor like a collapsed marionette. My… child… my own. I am going to be a father. More so than I was… am... with Ty-min. If anyone suspected then that child, his heir by blood would be hunted down and killed.

What irked him even more was that he was being sent to Ember Island with his sister, away from the meetings of his Father and his advisers. It felt like either a punishment or a mean to get him out of the way so "real" plans can take place. He and Mai were speaking again, but it was tenuous. He found their relationship confusing. Sometimes she hated him. Sometimes she seemed undeterred that he had vows to another woman. She just doesn't understand. Her affections sometimes made him emotionally confused. That overnight with her in his bed… really didn't help.

The trip to Ember Island was one of those "off" days with Mai. She sat next to him but wouldn't even look at him. She seemed blank and emotionless. It frustrated Zuko further. He had almost hoped he had an ally against his sister in her. Maybe I was wrong. Their time on the beach did not help. Everything he did seemed wrong. He tried to be a good "boyfriend" but it seemed to always backfire with Mai. The she dumped him in front of a room full of teenagers. I shouldn't have called her an unfeeling dispassionate … blob.

Thrown from the teen house party, he roamed across the beach rounding a sandy alcove to where he could look up at his family's beach house. The full moon shone peacefully down guiding him. The sand softly swished as he walked barefoot in it. Since he came to the Fire islands he has felt so out of control. He took some time to move through the katas of all the martial styles he had learned, fire, earth, bits of water and air. He stood still to listen to the ocean as it pushed and pulled. His breath flowed with the oceans timing. Then he performed the moves his uncle taught him for diverting lightening. He sank to his knees in the sand with a lump in his throat.

Faelin was so far away. He could hardly sense her. He didn't know if he sensed her at all even. Mai hated him. His father didn't really seem to want him back at all. His sister was just using him. His uncle… his uncle was a prisoner with such a broken spirit it tore him apart inside. He looked up at the house wishing his mother were standing on the balcony waiting for him. He started the climb up the grassy hills and pause to look back remembering his own playful childhood with his cousin Lu Ten and his Uncle Iroh who really was more father to him back then too that his own father.

The door was locked, so he kicked it in. The house was mostly empty, save for a few family items from his childhood when the royal family used to come here. I was six the last time we were here. LuTen was still with us. The childhood memories flashed into his mind with every step, every time he rounded a once familiar corner. We were happy once… weren't we? He looked up at the dusty family portrait. His father had a hand on his shoulder for it. It was before Azula showed she had firebending. She was a prodigy at four years old. I was a mistake. He vaguely remembered the last days the family was in this house. His mother and father had a horrible fight. His uncle had hauled out the kids to play at the beach. His mother came out an hour or so later crying to sit with the kids in the sand. Iroh was called in by the Ozai and more arguing ensued. Iroh joined the war effort the next day and put his son into military training. My father never looked at me the same after that. What happened then? What was that argument about? Why was father so angry at mother? Why did he hate Uncle so much? Why did he hate me? What did I do wrong?! He brushed off the cobwebs of a handprint in clay and compared it to his own hand. He carried the tablet out onto the porch and sat there missing his mother and the times people loved each other and behaved like a real family. I want to get back to Faelin and have my own real family. But he felt trapped, he felt trapped by everything that was supposed to make him happy.

Azula came up the stairs and drew him down to the beach. He tried to be gentlemanly with Mai, but she slapped him away. At the complaints of being cold, he suggested burning some of the things from the family house to make a fire. That shocked Ty-lee. Zuko was angry, he didn't even know why he was. He provoked Ty-Lee. It also stirred questions about each other's backgrounds and lives, a moment of sharing, in a way… even if it was constantly provoked. Zuko didn't know why his mouth just kept opening and saying things he would never say. Circus Freak. You don't believe in or care about anything. He regretted saying those things to Ty-Lee and to Mai, but it just came out anyways.

"You want me to express myself?" Mai stood at Azula's nonchalant analysis of her. "LEAVE ME ALONE!" She yelled at Azula with all her hate and anger. Zuko tried to approach to reassure her in some way and she turned and yelled at him too, "DON'T TOUCH ME! I'm still mad at you."

Zuko soon found his mouth running on its own again confessing that he should be happy here but that he wasn't, that he was frustrated and angry… and didn't know why. Azula and her manipulative tones pushed him to answer who he was angry at. "Who are you angry at?" they all prodded.

"I'm … ANGRY AT MYSELF!" he blurted causing the campfire to blaze a moment. He turned from the girls and walked a few steps to the water's edge, "I'm so confused. I'm not sure I know the difference between wrong and right anymore."

Mai came up to him and quietly told him she cared about him. Her arm around him was a comfort and he turned his head with her gentle hand's encouragement and kissed her. He kissed her because he needed to, because he wanted to, because… he felt alone and that helped him feel less alone.

Faelin was so far away. He had been gone from her for so long.