Author's Note: Sorry for the longer wait between updates! The next update will be about two weeks, also. Maybe even three. Wish it would be sooner, but my attention span is pretty short at the moment, with the things going on in real life here. I can't seem to manage well right now but will not be abandoning this story in any way, shape, or form. Thank you for your patience!
I really appreciated your reviews last chapter and yes...I was going for that strong emotion and angst. Would you believe me if I said I actually cried while writing the last chapter? Because I did. It took me a few hours - or more - to recover. My heart still aches. :( As much as it hurt, that letting go was a necessary, healing step for the good doctor. You may see some things coming full circle soon, maybe even in this chapter. :) This chapter also marks the start of a few of Jim's personal logs, as I promised awhile back.
Thanks so much for reading!
Jim groaned, awakening after the alarm blasted in his ears. "Computer. Alarm off."
Jim suppressed a yawn and rolled out his bed. It had to be early but he wasn't as tired as he expected. It was an amazing, refreshing feeling.
He rubbed his jaw, considering shaving off his subtle beard. "Computer. Time."
"Zero five thirty hours, Captain."
Captain? Jim shook his head. Someone, probably Spock, had changed back the computer programming since yesterday.
"Messages?" Jim asked next, almost as an aside. He rubbed the sleep from his eyes, but already feeling less disoriented than he usually did in the mornings, it wasn't even necessary.
"Two, Captain."
Jim found himself grinning for no reason other than that the computer called him 'captain.' He made his way to his dresser and paused before opening his usual drawer. He'd rather choose his clothes for comfort but he'd be speaking with a few of his crew this morning.
"Message one?" Jim pulled out his blacks and set them on the bed, also deciding that he'd wear his gold command shirt even though he wasn't cleared for active duty. He needed all the confidence and ammunition he could gather for himself if Dr. Jahnas was in the lab this morning. He wasn't sure if this new persona would deal well with her during their first meeting. He had no choice but to succeed and appear as much as in command as possible. Other than asking Elise for her assistance ahead of time, Jim saw no other way to prepare himself.
The computer answered and the first message was from Spock. Jim was to meet him at the xenozoology lab in two hours. It gave Jim more than enough time to get ready and speak with Bones, who'd left the second message. Bones wanted Jim to comm him this morning right away. The doctor needed to go over several details concerning Jim's records as well as the surgery. Jim contacted Bones immediately but opted to send a message before he stepped into the shower.
The morning would be full but after all that transpired yesterday, Jim, for the most part, was prepared, even for the upcoming surgery. With the water running hot on his shoulders, he realized that he reached a new comfort level with himself, thanks to the growing pains the day before and the way his two best friends completely accepted the man he'd become. Maybe the conversation he had with his mother had something to do with it, too. Jim would continue to embrace what had been done to him, expecting more growing pains to lurk in the corners - but he wasn't afraid of them and he could not resent the Re'an. It was a paradox in itself but one he must also accept.
Jim finished his shower and decisively skipped shaving, donning his blacks instead. He had more hair along his jaw than he had on his head and he was going to keep it, the darker alteration to his looks be damned. His closet was next. He didn't have much time and he had to find his shirt. As his hand brushed over the shadowy contents, he found himself feeling melancholy and paused in his search to finger his dress uniform. But remembering Pike and then just enough of his speech on the day the Enterprise was christened, Jim quickly let go. He grabbed what he thought was the first command shirt he came to.
Just as he held it in his hands, Bones arrived. Jim's breath caught before he could invite the doctor in. He stared down at the shirt, struck by its shade. It wasn't a murky gray to him like his other clothing appeared to be. It was something altogether different. Richer, the light reflecting from it in a way that told Jim it was the gold shirt he was searching for. His door chimed again. Jim shook those thoughts away and quickly pulled the command shirt over his blacks. "Enter."
He tried to wipe the grin he had off his face, but it was no use. Wearing this shirt meant that he was closer to being the captain his friends needed - even if his sight didn't return and he couldn't return to duty. He'd still be there for them in whatever capacity that he could.
Jim walked out of his bedroom. "Bones. Need coffee?"
"Jim, I...oh..."
Jim stopped in his tracks, his cane loose in his hands. "Are you alright?"
"I..."
"Did I do something wrong?" Jim asked, his heart rate accelerating. "I used the computer this morning and-"
"No, no, that was fine," Bones said quickly. "We wanted you to. You did nothing wrong."
Jim tried again. "Then, what's the problem?"
Bones sighed. "There is no problem, you idiot. It's the shirt you're wearing. I just didn't expect it. It's been weeks since I've seen you in that color. It looks good and right and..." Bones stopped and Jim sensed that the doctor stopped only because he hated getting emotional as much as Jim did.
"Sorry if it's too much, Bones," Jim said worriedly. "I didn't mean it to be."
"Don't apologize. You have every right to wear it, Jim," Bones said, voice rough. "And I would like some coffee, if you're filling orders, captain."
"Great," Jim smiled with relief. "Take a seat."
Feeling Bones' eyes on him, Jim still managed to get his friend's coffee without fumbling and walked to the table with the cup in his hands without spilling a single drop.
"So, I've been thinking," Bones said after taking the cup Jim offered him.
"More than usual, I take it?" Jim carefully maneuvered himself into the chair next to the doctor.
"Of all the things that didn't change for you, being a smart-ass had to be one of them," Bones muttered.
Jim chuckled. "I'll still meet you for breakfast once I've recuperated from surgery, even if I don't get the pie you promised. That has to count for something."
"It does, but all kidding aside, Jim..." Bones paused and paper slipped under Jim's fingertips. Jim furrowed his brow, discovering that it was another note in Braille. "This is what I was working on this morning before you got up, Jim, and I want your approval before I make it official."
"Bones, what is this..." Jim's voice trailed off. His fingers now slowly passing over the raised dots, he realized how deeply his best friend understood and accepted him.
Due to recent circumstances which permanently altered Captain Kirk's mental state, I, Dr. Leonard H. McCoy, as Captain James T. Kirk's CMO and attending physician, have amended the captain's records with his permission to show an updated species orientation status from that of human to that of both Re'an and human.
"It came to me last night. Maybe you remember more about history class than the flirting you did and recall reading about the Orion-Deltan case," Bones said lightly. "But, just in case you were too busy waxing your Kirk charm, I'll summarize it for you."
Jim's lips twitched. He remembered part of that because he'd had that class with Bones, interestingly enough. "Bones, I believe that it was the McCoy charm impressing them. Not mine."
"And it only took you how many years to admit that?" Bones drawled. "Well, then, let me summarize the case for you, Jim. After two Orion and Deltan Star Fleet officers became a couple, their pheromones wound together in such a way that neither acted like their original species. They blended until they were a unique species orientation. These permanently blurred lines and the subsequent miscommunication between other Star Fleet officers caused some uproar in the public eye and it took a healthy dose of cultural sensitivity to resolve. As a result, indicating species orientation is optional, with appropriate documentation, thanks to that fiasco almost eighty years ago."
"Xenophobia," Jim muttered under his breath. It was another growing pain, one of a different type, and he couldn't help but wonder if he'd ever be the target of prejudice on such a personal level, especially after the five-year mission when he would return to Earth.
"Yeah, there is some of that still, unfortunately, but the 23rd century has seen remarkable improvement, as you know. Most importantly, this information will be classified to your superiors, so don't worry about it being intrusive," Bones continued. "It's for your benefit, Jim. Since I am carefully documenting and updating your medical files in regards the Re'an mission, it's also logical to include your species orientation. The barrier is enough to justify this change. For one, it has irrevocably altered your mental state and thus, various, visible aspects of your life, including your captaincy. You not only relate to both the Re'an and humans now, Jim, you essentially are human and Re'an. Making note of this permanent change in your medical records, along with my own documentation, will help your superiors understand your situation should they doubt your ability to retain command. I already asked Admiral Archer, who remembers this case quite well, actually, and he also recommended we proceed with this step."
Jim sat back in his chair. His best friend had somehow come up with this overnight, probably never even getting the chance to sleep.
"So, what do ya think?" Bones asked slowly.
Jim's emotion ran high before he could stop it. "I...I don't..."
"It's a lot to take in, Jim, I know," Bones said softly.
"It is, but not for the reason you think," Jim said, purposefully flattening the paper and running his fingers over the dots over and over again to hide his trembling hands.
"You don't approve?" Bones asked.
Jim took a deep breath. "I...I just...I don't know what to say."
"It's too fast?"
Jim shook his head. "No, no. It's not that. It's not too fast. It's right. It's...it's me, Bones."
It was perfect. His friend had shown him even more acceptance, so much that Jim didn't know quite how to respond. A simple thank you didn't seem to be enough but it would have to be, for now.
"I know it is, Jim," Bones replied simply.
Jim cleared his throat, regaining control of himself. "Bones, I'm glad it'll be in there, to clear up any confusion. Thank you." Jim read the note again, hesitating.
"What's on your mind, buddy?" Bones asked quietly.
"You didn't sleep at all last night, did you?"
"Don't worry about me, Jim," Bones replied.
"But I do. I can't help it." Jim pressed his lips flat. He was Bones' captain, after all, even if he was unfit for duty, but he was first and foremost Bones' best friend. He should speak with Spock and see if there was some way between the two of them to ensure Bones wasn't running himself ragged taking care of Jim, a thought that, sadly, hadn't come to him until now.
Jim frowned. What sort of friend was he? Displaced, yes...but...had he even thought of the impact all of this had on Bones, besides the fact that he wasn't the same man who'd left for this five-year mission? Nor the same friend? Which was a difficult thing in itself and a topic Jim felt was too difficult to breach?
Bones made a curious, noncommittal sound.
"What?" Jim frowned deeper.
"You really did become all captainly again," Bones' tone softened. "I can see those gears turning in your head, Jim. You don't have to worry about me, I promise."
"Have you gotten much sleep at all, Bones these past two months?" Jim asked.
"It's really been more like seven weeks and yes, I have. Maybe not as much as I usually do, but it has been sufficient."
Jim didn't like the sound of that. "Bones, basically you're telling me that you've been burning the candle at both ends."
"I promise it's been enough, Jim. I also promise that I do intend on falling into a better routine after your surgery, especially with the schedule I've planned." Bones paused, then chuckled.
Jim arched a brow. "Now what?"
"You used an idiom. A pretty big one. And you used a smaller one earlier."
"A what?" Jim blinked, confused.
"An idiom. An...expression."
Jim frowned, still confused. "So?"
"Jim, except on rare occasions, you've lacked the ability to comprehend idioms and metaphors, let alone had the ability to use them for yourself."
Jim hadn't expected to hear anything remotely close to that. Bones used metaphors, didn't he? And...those other things? Idioms? And now Jim didn't understand them but had before?
Jim sat, a bit stunned at the realization. He really had changed that much, and although he may have caught on to the fact he didn't understand everything they said, especially Scotty, he'd been mostly oblivious as to why that was so. Bones said it so plainly, and the implications punched him in the stomach.
"You may have regained a lot of your understanding of Standard, thanks to those sessions with Elise," Bones continued, "but because of the barrier, more than likely you'll still struggle with some aspects of the language and Terran culture and that's okay. It won't be enough to give anyone a reason to question your ability to command, Jim."
"I should relearn these things." Jim said, still stupefied. He didn't want to appear as a bumbling idiot to other Star Fleet officers, especially his superiors who were used to another Jim Kirk.
"Of course you can do that, Jim," Bones said gently, "but this is also excellent reasoning behind disclosing your species orientation. You may not be able to relearn them as fast you think, Jim, and you may not be able to even remember them. It's a result of the barrier, which has affected your language."
Instead of dropping his head in his hands in defeat, Jim straightened his spine. If he wasn't able to relearn them, he would have to accept it and adjust. "Well, I assume that this is one of many of things I am still oblivious of?
"It is, Jim," Bones said.
"We have a little bit of time, don't we?"
"Before you go to the lab?" Bones asked, tone wary.
"You're not coming with me?" Jim stood and walked to the replicator for coffee. "I can't imagine why not." He shook his head, smiling to himself.
"Yeah, I bet you don't," Bones snorted. "I think I'll just let you visit your pet snake on your own, with Spock and Elise, of course. I have to get to sickbay for that important surgery of yours."
"It's not my pet and it's leaving soon, remember?" Jim gripped his coffee, readying himself with his cane to walk back to the table. "So I have time to listen to my personal logs?"
"That's music to my ears," Bones drawled. Frustrated with Bones' reply, Jim leaned into the replicator and his hand fumbled with his mug. He hissed, immediately withdrawing his hand as hot liquid splashed without warning onto his skin.
"Here," Bones murmured, giving him a cloth. "Jim, want to tell me what's wrong?"
"I think you know," Jim muttered back, a little too harshly before he could stop himself.
"Maybe I don't," Bones said gently.
Jim sighed, now finished drying his hand. He left the rag beside the replicator and turned, leaning his body against the counter with his arms crossed.
"Did what I say before you spilled your coffee sound strange to you?" Bones asked.
Jim nodded slowly, thinking that he knew the meaning behind Bones' words but not entirely sure.
"There's no shame in who you are, Jim," Bones said quietly. "And for what it's worth, I use metaphors and idioms more often than I should. It would be good for me to try to stop using so many."
A sick feeling settled in Jim's stomach. "Bones, don't change a thing about yourself on my account. I'll ask Uhura for help, Spock, too, and we can begin filling in my language gaps as soon as you allow me to do so after the surgery."
"Jim, it will be a long process and - "
"Bones, please," he begged. "You're what I remember. You and Spock. You're what I have always remembered, the good or the fake, bad stuff, it didn't matter. I remembered you. You and Spock were what pulled me through and I don't think I could take it if you weren't who you were because of one of these damn side effects or growing pains I'm experiencing. I'm changed enough for the three of us. I'm changed but that doesn't mean that you have to change just to make it easier for me."
The room went quiet.
"Bones?" Jim whispered, afraid he'd ranted a bit too much. "Say something."
Bones sighed. "I understand where you're coming from, but I didn't think this conversation would go this far and I'm sorry."
"Maybe it's good it went this far," Jim tried to swallow but choked on dryness. He fell into a fit of coughing, his shoulders shaking until he felt the comforting hand of the doctor on his shoulders.
"Here's some water, Jim." Bones pressed a cup into his hands.
Jim drank it all and slumped against the counter. He'd said more than he thought he would but he wasn't finished. "Bones, I know I'll still struggle learning my way around here, but I have you and Spock to help me. I have you, and without you and those metaphors that make my head spin and Spock and his endless logic that sometimes infuriates me, I don't know if I could've...if I could have...if...I..." Jim sighed, running a hand through his fuzzy growth of hair. "You can't stop being yourself, Bones. You can't. We've already changed because of what happened on that mission - every single one of us. You probably know that more than anyone. The Re'an have done enough to my friends and it has to stop somewhere. We have to heal. Bones, limiting the amount of metaphors you use isn't going to solve anything, and I don't give a damn if I don't understand them all. You're not you without them, and I need you. Jo needs you...my crew needs you. Bones, we all need you, the Southern-raised, grouchy doctor with a mean hypo arm but with the best goddamn ability to spin words together."
Jim dragged a hand over his eyes, hoping Bones wouldn't wait long to reply. Jim had probably said too much, making no sense whatsoever.
"Well," Bones began. "If I'd known you were going to make a speech, I would've sat down with some popcorn at the very beginning and enjoyed myself some more. You can give one helluva speech, kid."
Jim gave a short laugh, wiping his eyes one last time. "It was a pretty shitty speech, Bones."
"Jim, I understand and I promise that I won't stop being my grouchy, metaphor-speaking self," Bones paused. "That said, I'm your attending physician and if it will help you, especially at this thing you like so much called being captain, I'm gonna do it. We'll compromise, alright?"
Jim nodded and huffed a sigh. He'd agree with that. "When did you say I'd be done crying like this?"
"I think soon, maybe after a couple more sessions with Elise or even a week after the surgery." Bones tugged on his arm. "How about you sit on the couch where it's more comfortable and listen to a few logs."
"Only a few?" Jim frowned.
"Yes," Bones quickly replied. "Spock decided and I agreed that two or three days at a time would be best. It's a lot to take in, Jim. You already have quite the day planned."
"I'll have nothing to do but think once I've come out of the anesthesia," Jim said, taking a seat.
"You may be too groggy and out of it for a good twenty-four hours to even tell me your name so three is fine." Bones sat down beside him.
Jim frowned and shook his head in doubt.
"Three - or none," Bones said, his voice clipped.
Realizing his doctor would not budge, Jim decided on three logs. "Alright. You win."
"One thing's for sure," Bones said, his tone much lighter. "You're going to keep things interesting around here."
He was going to keep things interesting? That may be true in Bones' eyes, but it wasn't anything that Jim wanted to agree with or flaunt.
"I assume that the old me would say something in retaliation about now, wouldn't he?" Jim mused aloud, pulling a blanket over himself. Since he'd been almost in a constant state of being cold the past few weeks, he'd gotten into the habit of using one every time he sat on his couch.
Bones hummed noncommittally. "Maybe."
"And it would be self-centered, probably reinforcing what you said."
"Pretty much."
"And then you'd laugh because whatever he said would be damn funny but utterly ridiculous."
"Yep."
"Huh," Jim said absently.
"But that's not the new Jim, is it?" Bones commented in a quiet voice. "I mean, he's funny, don't get me wrong, but the whole 'the world is centered around me' thing doesn't exactly fit him anymore, does it?"
"No, it doesn't," Jim said honestly. It wasn't the Re'an way, and Jim couldn't even fathom agreeing to that sort of thinking.
"So what does this new Jim want to say?" Bones pressed.
Jim thought for a moment. "He wants to say thank you for letting him talk about his two personas in third-person and not thinking he's utterly insane."
"Oh, I actually do think he's utterly insane."
"What?" Jim asked, somewhat defensively.
"But it's not because he's talking about his two personas in third-person. I mean, he's not the only one in the world who does that. There has to be someone else. I'm sure it's perfectly normal," Bones said easily. "No, Jim, I think he's insane because he left a perfectly damn good cup of coffee in the replicator and now it's cold and I'm probably going to be the one who has to get it for him but I'm sitting next to him on the couch all comfy while under his damn blanket that's too soft for its own good, ready to listen to my captain's elegant sounding voice -"
"Elegant?" Jim protested. "What the fuck, Bones?"
"Excuse me, my captain's soothing voice over the computer and it's just a cryin' shame," Bones finished strongly.
Jim scowled. "I'll have you know that this very soft, very warm blanket is one of my favorite things about this couch, Bones, and no one forced you to get under the blanket or to sit next to me and get all comfortable. I never knew you were so impressionable and God knows I never figured my CMO to be too lazy to walk across the room to get my coffee," Jim muttered under his breath. "Nor did I realize you would stoop so low as to add in a damn word thingy -"
Bones snorted. "Word thingy. Yes, smooth, that's you."
" - word thingy that I don't understand. That was mean, Bones. Just mean. Better make that two of Mrs. McCoy's pies this week or I'll get a new best friend to meet me at breakfast. Sulu's next in line, you know, because of his swords. And plants. But the worst part of this is that you described my voice as elegant. The only elegant thing about me will be the highly-skilled kick in the ass I'll give you to make you walk over to the replicator and warm up the cup of coffee I can't even remember I replicated in the first place." Jim took a deep breath. "But that I now want."
"Huh," Bones said after a pause. "I think you're giving the old Jim a run for his money, after all."
"Bones, did you even hear what I was saying?" Jim said in mock disgust. "Just for that, it's three pies and extra whipped cream, you word-thingy show-off."
"Smart-ass," Bones' scowl came across loud and clear. "Extra whipped cream? I'm your grouchy doctor, not my mama."
Jim grinned, leaning back lazily against the couch. "Drama queen."
"Kid, I learned from the best."
Captain's Log Stardate 2260.088
After we detoured into a congested star system, we rediscovered a species that disappeared from the Federation more than two decades ago. Sequestered deeply in the system, this planet, now called Re'an V, is the only one showing signs of life. The Re'an beings' disappearance remains an unsolved mystery, however. Despite pleasant introductions, the Re'an are closed mouth about their interstellar travel yet they don't hold back their hospitality. We've been invited by their leaders to dine with them in two days. Lequa is first giving our archaeologists time to begin their removal of the ancient missile detected by our earlier scans. Dr. Marcus is beside herself, working alongside them.
I'm intrigued by the Re'an and pay close attention to their customs to the point that I can't think of much else when on planet - and I don't know why. For instance, I noticed right away that Prince Lequa's boys all have shaven heads while the girls hair remain in intricate braids and those are images that race through my mind even now. The children gravitated towards me so I indulged them and learned to play several of their games. We have several diplomatic issues at stake so my time on Re'an V can't be monopolized by my own fascination with this culture. However, I have a feeling that I must continue to interact with the Re'an on a relational level for a little while longer before we convene. That said, I don't think I'll have any problems continuing to get to know the Re'an.
On a similar note, I've been allowed to get close to their sacred creatures, some of which resemble Terran snakes. I'm surprised but happy. Bones, however, is not.
"
"
"
Captain's Log Stardate 2260.089
While Bones and Spock assisted the Re'an with their concern of a nearby lake and the effects the water has had on the health of the children who play in it, Uhura and I found a new level of camaraderie. She is amused by my fascination with the Re'an culture, but willingly shares her notes about animal wearing and its importance in communication.
Animal wearing. What the hell? That's the last thing in the black that I ever thought would hold my attention, but here I am, as engrossed as my communications officer. The snakes seem to be aware of my presence to the point that they lift their head and slither off of the being to which they were attached. Dr. Jahnas seems to have the same affect on them. I haven't touched a creature nor will I until I've been offered the opportunity. These creatures, along with several others, are extremely sacred to the Re'an.
While we continue to compile cultural taboos, the archaeology team has discovered various parts of the missile. Dr. Marcus is determined that they will be able to locate all of the pieces of the missile. The image on the missile is incomplete but is too intriguing to stop the excavation. Tomorrow at the banquet, I'll speak with Prince Lequa and request more time to search for the remaining pieces. I'll also thank him for allowing a small group of xenozoologists time with various Re'an creatures so they can continue their own research.
"
"
"
Captain's Log Stardate 2260.090
It feels as if I've been here for more than three days and part of me wishes that it has been longer than three days. There's much to learn - and enjoy. I'm surprised at myself and the comfort I have with the Re'an, and Spock has mentioned his surprise as well. Bones still hasn't said much concerning the Re'an, only privately to me in my quarters. He is leery of the creatures but he hates all snakes. I'm careful to avoid discussion of those creatures after I saw his reaction when they coiled around Dr. Jahnas and myself today at the banquet. He could not look at us because of his growing apprehension of the creatures and quickly strode out of the hall. He missed Prince Lequa's explanation as to why the snakes coiled around us and the following challenge that I have suffered a tragedy in my past.
It was better that Bones wasn't there. I'm sure that Lequa's close study and interrogation of me would have incurred the wrath of an overprotective doctor. Now Uhura is curious about that so-called tragedy of mine and that means Spock will be, too. The attention Lequa showed Uhura after the banquet was far from acceptable and I quickly excused us before the prince had any chance to kiss her other hand, which is a Re'an cultural taboo.
Despite that small incident, Prince Lequa granted us permission to continue our search for the remaining parts of the missile. He also gave our xenozoology team more time to complete their research. He is a gracious host.
Upon further consideration, I've decided to ground Dr. Jahnas. The snake was clearly attracted to her and myself, and until I discover the reason behind this, I refuse to take any chances. She had the entire day to give to her research but wasn't happy when I told her of my decision once we returned to the Enterprise and she shared her research with me. As similar as she is to Gaila, this intensity in regards to her work is the complete opposite. However, I can be just as intense (and difficult), if not more. Aleyah has met her match. I won't apologize for my decision nor will I let anything she says in retaliation offend me. Unsurprisingly, it took two warnings of insubordination this time for her to desist. Last time it took three. I may be too patient with her for my own good. One thing remains unquestionable: Dr. Jahnas is quite passionate about her work and that is the very reason she is on my ship.
Since I've returned to my quarters, I can't stop thinking about the Re'an or my friendship with Spock, which is why this log is longer than usual. I enjoyed the chess game with Spock tonight, even though I could hardly concentrate on the game itself and continued my losing streak. As I anticipated, Uhura didn't hold back. Spock knows what Lequa said and questioned the tragedy in my past. He seemed genuinely concerned for my well-being but seemed to wait for my cue. I assured him that I was fine and that I wanted to speak to him about it but didn't think this evening was the appropriate time to discuss things. Tomorrow, since I asked Bones to keep me accountable for my one hundred day plan, he will probably remind me I have only days left to keep to it, but I couldn't focus because of the Re'an and Tarsus is a bitch to talk about. Spock understood my reluctance to talk about my past and said no more about it. I changed the subject and asked him what he thought of Lequa and his interactions with Uhura. He answered as I expected. We both agree that Uhura shouldn't be without he or I or a member of security for the duration of the mission.
I look forward to Spock's companionship and can honestly say that I crave it. He keeps me grounded in more ways than one. We're closer than we've ever been before and I trust him enough to share that so-called tragedy with him in a few short days. I'm also determined that chess games with Spock will become a regular post-shift activity, at least twice a week. It relaxes both of us, so why not? I'll ask him tomorrow. Because I already requested that our chefs to provide Plomeek soup made from scratch the next time, I'm sure I'll be able to make Spock an offer he can't refuse.
His friends were damn smart. Jim was pretty sure that after the third day things started going downhill during the Re'an V mission.
"Three days was enough," Jim whispered, his heart hollowing and all the optimism he'd had before vanishing in an instant.
The older man beside him sighed. "I know, Jim, and by the way you're reacting, maybe we should have stopped at the one."
Jim didn't have a reply. He was already on his feet and moving towards his room as if he were in a dream. He didn't hear Bones fall into step behind him. He didn't see his doctor's worried face or hear him comm the acting captain. Jim was in another world, thinking of a wonderful connection he had with his other best friend that was now broken. It was broken and unattainable - and Jim couldn't find it within himself to believe that it would ever be the same again. Jim repeated Spock's name over and over in his apology, as if that could ease the hurt rising in his chest.
I'm sorry, Spock. So sorry. I'm sorry. Spock, I'm sorry.
Hands trembling, Jim tried to clench them tightly by his side as he stared at his closet. What he wanted was in there but to hold it in his hands would only make the reality even more devastating. When his hands finally closed and he was able to dig his nails into his flesh, a voice called softly beside him.
"Jim."
"I'm sorry, Spock," Jim repeated aloud.
"An apology is illogical," Spock said.
Jim gave him a crooked, faltering smile. "I know, but it helps to say it."
"That is also illogical," Spock said.
"Again, it helps," Jim said quietly.
A body shifted beside him, brushing past Jim and stepping nearer to his closet. Jim swallowed uncomfortably, knowing Spock was going to retrieve it.
"You don't have to do that, Spock." Jim took a deep breath. "Leaving it in there may be best. I don't...I don't know what I was thinking."
"You were thinking of something precious to both of us and I must retrieve it for you," Spock said quietly. "To show you what I see."
"Spock, I can't see," Jim said. It was the whole point as to why this part was irreparable and painful - and he couldn't imagine putting Spock through this now.
"Please, Jim, wait for me at your table," the Vulcan said.
"Jim? Let's go," Bones said quietly, urging him to move. Jim obeyed but once they reached his table he couldn't take another step or find a seat. His body was as heavy as his heart. He'd failed his friends over and over, whether or not it had been true during the mission, and this failure? To have lost his sight? He couldn't watch as the reality of it struck once more and hurt Spock, too, for as much as it pained Jim, he sensed that his friend would feel this loss perhaps even more deeply.
Wood connected with wood and Jim heard the pieces of his chess set gently rattle against together inside their small box. He wondered if his hollowed heart had any hope left in it to do the same.
"It is not impossible," Spock said. "Since the forming of our bond, I have learned that your capacity for memory exceeds that of the average human. I have also learned that our connection from the bond is vibrant and rich and more so since your sessions with Elise. Furthermore, I hypothesize that I would be able to help you envision the game in your mind in much the same way you have kept your memories alive of your childhood and of the years at the Academy."
Before he could help himself, Jim reached out and finding the chess board on the table, touched the wood reverently. If what Spock said was true...
"You know this game, Jim," Bones added. "And Spock is right, Jim. The Re'an barrier aside, as good as your memory is, combined with the patience that Spock has and this bond of yours, I have no doubt you'll still be able to play."
"If the surgery doesn't work, you mean?" Jim said, with more calmness than he had. He caressed the wood, tracing its shape in one continuous stroke.
"Yes," Bones said quietly.
Jim sighed, his hand dropping heavily from the board. "I remembered our last game, Spock, after listening to my log from that day. I was distracted, mostly because of the Re'an and partly from..." The words died in his throat. It didn't matter why he'd been distracted. It was too late to change what had happened. Jim pulled out three chess pieces from the small box beside the board, holding them in the palm of his hand. As soon as he did, the scent of the wood washed over him, reminding him of other games that he'd played with his first officer. "The thing is, Spock, I can't see these. They're too small for me to make out any distinct shape or a light or dark shade. I can feel them, but that's not enough. Remembering and knowing...they're not enough."
"You are correct," Spock said, the Vulcan's simple, blunt reply biting. Jim steadied himself, repeating to himself that he was a captain and this was no any different from other challenges he had faced. He did not understand his sudden, emotional response and found that Spock's logical reply wasn't so harsh after all but strengthened his own resolve. "It is not enough to play as you have played before, Jim, but it is more than enough to play without your sight."
"You really believe that, don't you?" Jim asked, brow furrowed.
"I do, Captain," Spock said.
"We both do, Jim," Bones replied. "It may sound like a headache now, Jim, but your brain has done amazing things before."
Jim forced a smile. "You have a little too much faith in me."
"We have faith in you because you are our friend, Jim," Spock said softly.
Jim cupped the pieces in his palm. He should let them go. He should let go of the very idea that he could someday play this game with Spock ever again, but these were his friends and he could not...not yet. Not really.
"Jim, what pieces do you have in the palm of your hand?" Spock asked.
"A pawn. A knight," Jim took a deep breath. "And a king."
"You are correct."
"Being correct proves nothing." Jim set them down, all but the knight. He clenched his fingers around it, hoping that Spock would understand that he didn't want to go any further today. He couldn't sit down as a blind man and attempt to play a game that he loved with a friend he loved and that he had failed.
I can't Spock.
"Jim, I am not adverse to playing a game at a later time, if that is your wish," Spock said.
It wasn't his wish to play again at all but he had to commend his first officer for his slightly devious question and to Jim's chagrin, he almost smiled. "I believe you're twisting my thoughts for your own purposes, Spock," he said dryly.
"Jim, I would never attempt such a grand yet satisfying feat," Spock stated.
Jim shook his head. "It's pointless to use flattery, Spock."
"He's right, Spock," Bones murmured. "Flattery will get you nowhere with our new Captain."
"Doctor, that is a fascinating revelation. Now that the captain is Re'an and human, using flattery against the captain will, indeed, be futile," Spock said. "But it is not my intention to use flattery. I speak only the truth, which is this: I simply wish to acquire a promise from the captain that he will engage in one chess game."
"Alright, then. I believe that is a compromise." Bones hesitated. "What do you think, Jim?"
Jim needed only a moment to decide. To appease his friends and show them kindness for all that they had done for him, he agreed. "After my surgery, Spock. After the week Bones says I need to recuperate, I will play one game with you."
As Spock and Bones returned the chess board and its pieces to Jim's closet, neither mentioned the knight that Jim kept, gripped firmly and protectively in his hand.
Soona waited in Dr. Jahnas' office, connected to the main part of the xenozoology lab, well aware that her silence seemed to bother the always vibrant scientist. Aleyah had already tried to coax her into a conversation about the sickly Re'an creature. Finding that Soona would not speak other than a simple comment about the snake, the scientist offered a sincere but quick smile and returned to her desk on the other side of the small room. Soona's nerves were getting the best of her this morning as they always did when she thought of Captain Kirk and not even the presence of her grandmother calmed her.
"I'll miss you," Soona whispered to her grandmother. Elise watched her with an absolute love in her eyes that Soona had never known while on Re'an V and had forgotten if she'd ever known as a small child on Betazed. She reined in her sadness to help her grandmother. She had only just been reunited with her family but someone else needed her grandmother more. Soona would not be selfish. Leaving her grandmother here on the ship where she'd be of help to the captain was a small sacrifice in comparison to what the captain had essentially sacrificed for her. Soona would go on, away from the only other one who understood what it was like to be tied to the Re'an culture.
"It is necessary that I remain, but you already understand that in your compassionate heart, Sonja. I'll still be able to speak with you," Elise calmly answered.
"I know." Soona touched the glass encasing the snake.
"You will have your parents," Elise murmured.
Yes, she would. A mother and father who still would not speak with their Betazoid relative and elder. "I'm sorry that they are too stubborn."
"Don't be, Sonja," Elise's eyes were soft as she stared at Soona. "It is understandable that your mother continues to harbor bitterness. She needs to see a Betazoid healer and you must convince her of this."
"She could see you," Soona replied, knowing her mother would not.
"I would gladly assist her but she must find someone else to heal her heart. With you home, she may change her mind." Elise paused. "In fact, I am sure she'll agree now that her only daughter has been found."
"I heard her cry last night." Soona felt no guilt sharing the truth about her mother. Someone besides her should know.
"She is grateful you are alive."
"She doesn't understand me." Soona looked down at the lethargic snake who found a covering of grass and coiled itself limply into it. Soona thought she'd understood these creatures. This one should be dead. It should have died weeks ago, before the captain had been well enough to see it alive.
"Give her time, Sonja."
Maybe they all needed time. Soona felt like she had deaged after leaving Re'an V. She was several years older than Captain Kirk, four to be exact, but felt at least a decade younger, maybe more. Much more. She was homeless, still out of touch with herself and the world around her now that she'd stepped off of the Enterprise and onto the Star Base. If she could have more than the promise of comms with her grandmother, she thought she could find her own strength and help her mother overcome her bitterness.
"Come, Sonja," Elise said quickly, inclining her head towards the main room of the lab. "It's time to meet the captain."
"We aren't meeting in here?" Soona thought he wanted to see the snake.
"No, not in here," Elise murmured, already walking away. "He needs that time alone. I already sense that the snake anticipates him."
"What?" Soona exclaimed, drawing Dr. Jahnas' attention. "You can sense the creature's emotions?"
"Yes. As a Betazoid, I am sensitive to animals. Being that this is a small creature, sensing its emotion does me no harm."
"So it knows that Captain Kirk is coming? Even though he is in the corridor? And despite the fact that he is not a Re'an?" Dr. Jahnas' eyes gleamed.
Elise gave one slow nod. "Yes."
"How could it?" Aleyah asked urgently.
"I cannot explain why, Dr. Jahnas. It is a private matter."
"They changed him somehow, didn't they?" Aleyah murmured. "Well, that explains everything."
Elise looked at the xenozoologist with a mask of cool calmness but Soona wasn't fooled. Her grandmother would rather Dr. Jahnas leave the captain alone, but given Aleyah's knowledge and interest of the Re'an creatures, it would be difficult. "Dr. Jahnas, the captain's presence explains the creature's unwillingness to die but we cannot know the true affect that the captain will have on the creature or -"
"The affect the creature will have on Jim," Aleyah murmured, her eyes wide with excitement as she stared at the miserable creature under the glass.
Soona bristled. Captain Kirk wasn't a specimen to be examined and she couldn't help but think that was exactly what Aleyah considered him to be. If Soona was on Re'an V and surrounded by the Re'an, she'd have the confidence of a warrior, the extremely rare class of a more assertive Re'an. Here, she didn't have that confidence and couldn't protect the captain as she had weeks ago. She felt useless.
"Soona," Elise said softly. Soona jerked her head up. Something bothered her grandmother, something more than she'd disclosed to either of them for her to use Soona's Re'an name. "It's time. Captain Kirk and Mr. Spock are almost here."
Soona dutifully followed her, her irritation rising when she heard the light footsteps of Dr. Jahnas behind her.
Once in the main area of the lab, Soona leaned in closer to her grandmother. "I wish I could - " The word stay was lost with the swish of the lab doors opening. Soona inhaled sharply. They were here and before Soona, Elise, or Dr. Jahnas could say a word, the man in the gold shirt beat them all to it.
"Good morning, Dr. Jahnas. Elise," he nodded in their general direction. "Soona, thank you for staying to speak with me one last time. I expected you to be halfway to Earth by now."
The captain's voice held a little bit of teasing and nothing about his eyes or facial expression or even body language hinted at his blindness. It was a remarkable change since the last time Soona had seen him, and combined with his captainly air, Soona was given a glimpse of the man she'd seen before the Re'an destroyed his life. But, it was only a glimpse. He was not the same, but it was enough. In that moment, her respect for her grandmother and her healing abilities swelled.
"I wanted to give you something," Soona said, grabbing a small box from a nearby counter. After first exchanging a glance with the silent and stoic first officer standing beside Kirk, she took a breath to calm herself and stepped forward. "Here, Captain."
The captain's warm fingers brushed over hers as he took the box from her grasp with the confidence of a seeing man. She forced herself not to jerk her hands away and allowed them to linger. This was her friend, she told herself. A captain, yes, but a friend who was more like a brother. Her grandmother's hand gently grasped her right elbow, steadying Soona.
"It's Jim," Captain Kirk smiled. "In case you forgot since our last meeting."
The unexpected, light-hearted words made her laugh. "I guess I did forget...Jim."
"Soona, you didn't need to give me a gift," Jim said but he weighed the box in his hands.
"There isn't much I can do to thank you," Soona said honestly, "and I did have some help from your nurse."
"My nurse?" Jim arched a brow in question.
"Christine," Soona provided.
Jim's face lit up. "So I do smell food."
"You may have had something similar at the banquet, Jim. We used similar ingredients used in the Re'an recipe," Soona added. "I hope you enjoy it."
Jim smiled. "It smells great. I'm sure I will. Thank you, Soona."
Soona exchanged a glance with her grandmother.
"Captain Kirk, Dr. Jahnas and I will be awaiting you in the other room. Please, take your time," Elise said, understanding immediately that Soona wanted to speak with Jim alone. Dr. Jahnas' eyebrows shot up but she silently led Elise back to the room with the snake.
"She suspects you've changed, Cap...Jim," Soona said once Aleyah was out of earshot. "But we haven't said a word."
"Dr. Jahnas?" Jim asked.
Soona felt Spock's eyes on her but she kept her focus on the captain. "Yes."
Jim took a breath. "I appreciate your silence on that matter. I'll have to speak with my crew very soon about the change, but thank you for keeping it a secret, for now."
"You're welcome, Jim. How are you?" Soona asked, something within her pushing away her anxiety as she questioned Jim with the sincerity of a sister.
"I am better than I was two days ago," he said softly. "And I have your grandmother to thank."
"Are you sure you are alright?" Soona pressed.
"I'm..." Jim's brow creased and he stared in the general direction of the xenozoologist's office, where the snake now presided. "The snake isn't in this room anymore, is it?"
"My grandmother suggested that it be moved to a back room," Soona answered, still concerned. "Is everything alright?"
"The captain is speaking the truth," Spock answered for Jim, the captain's attention now directed elsewhere. Jim hardly blinked but his head tilted in such a way that Soona knew the snake drew him to itself, just as it had drawn Soona. Although she'd had years to control that pull, she wasn't nearly as connected to the creature as the captain. The barrier in his mind was much stronger and fuller than her own. Maybe it was a bad idea for the captain to visit the creature. It was only going to be taken off the Enterprise in a few short hours.
"He is adjusting and making sufficient progress," a quiet voice continued.
With a slight shake of her head, she, too, realized her attention span had shortened. "Pardon me, Commander. I'm glad to hear that. I worry..." Soona halted abruptly. She had no business stating she worried about Captain Kirk. Although essentially a Re'an warrior, she was aware now that her Betazoid heritage had been suppressed and wondered if it was slowly being uncovered being in the presence of her grandmother and parents.
"I see," Spock said. "Although it is unnecessary for you to do so, I am aware the connection you and Jim have as Re'ans and can offer you the promise that the captain will contact you periodically."
Soona's eyes widened. Yes, as a Vulcan, he would understand on some level the importance of her connection with Jim. Although her connection with Jim was not a bond, they were the only two left and there were times that it would hurt, no matter what the now extinct species had done to them.
"Don't worry about me, Soona. Bones told me this morning that he and Spock arranged for your grandmother to remain on the Enterprise indefinitely as my therapist," Jim said. "I also have Spock and Bones."
"But..." Soona closed her eyes and tried to suppress her fears. She didn't know how she could explain that her concerns included Dr. Jahnas' behavior towards Jim, the growing pains he would still experience, and the loneliness he may feel as the only Re'an aboard the Enterprise.
"Spock is right, Soona." Soona's eyes flew open when Jim firmly interjected, his unseeing eyes piercing her with a deep understanding. "I'll be able to talk with you. You can count on that."
It was what she needed to hear. She took a hasty breath and continued before Jim or Mr. Spock could reply. "And I'm happy for you, Jim, that in spite of what happened, you're surrounded by friends," Soona said, wincing at her stiffly spoken words. She wanted to speak with the warmth of her grandmother or with the assertiveness of Soona, Re'an warrior, or somewhere in between.
"As I understand it, that's actually a miracle," Jim flashed a grin.
The captain's sudden smile confused her. "I'm not sure what you mean."
"Just this morning, my doctor accused me of being a smart ass. Twice." Jim made a face. "Not only that, he also insinuated that I may have been a bit dramatic in the past."
"Captain, I believe that the correct phrase the doctor used to describe you based on your past behavior was...'drama queen,'" Spock said, brow arched.
Soona laughed when Jim gave the first officer a petulant look. The commander's expression softened as he watched the captain, and Soona finally realized that she no longer had to worry.
Many moments later, Soona stepped out of the lab for the last time - and off the Enterprise. Jim's heart twisted in a way that was foreign, pumping wildly in anticipation to see the snake but at the same time aching with a deep hurt as a friend walked away.
"Jim, shall I comm Dr. McCoy?" Spock asked.
"I'm fine, Spock. It's nothing." Jim said. How could he even explain this to Spock? Because of the Re'an, Jim was tied to Soona and her to him, but he'd been honest. Jim's entire world had been ripped apart and literally patchworked together - but he would be fine. Part of him wanted Soona to stay on the Enterprise along with her grandmother. It was a selfish and unrealistic expectation. Soona had lost part of herself along with the Re'an, and not just her Betazoid heritage. She'd be better off to find herself again with her family surrounding her and in a place with more opportunities than she would find on a starship. Jim had his own goals in mind - regaining his sight and returning to active duty so he could once again serve as captain of the Enterprise.
"Jim, while you were in a catatonic state, Dr. McCoy and I considered that you may care for Dr. Jahnas because you feared her death in the manifestations."
Jim squinted in Spock's direction, the lights in the lab now hurting his eyes as his focus widened. "Come again?"
"Computer. Lights at twenty percent," Spock commanded. Jim rubbed his eyes, relieved Spock acted quickly on his behalf. "However, I have since realized that you do not care for Dr. Jahnas in a manner beyond friendship at his time."
"No, I do not." Jim frowned, withdrawing his hand slowly from his face. Why was Spock even discussing this with him? He had feared Aleyah's death, yes, but he assumed it was because of what had happened to Gaila. Aleyah was a close friend with whom he recalled enjoying harmless flirting. She was someone who'd understood him at one point - but he could not expect her to now. "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Nor do you care for Dr. Marcus beyond friendship, although you believe her to be someone more suitable with whom to experience a long-term relationship."
Jim's eyes widened. "Spock, since when do you ever talk about things like this? With me, of all people? And when did you even notice all of that?"
"I make numerous observations about my captain. This ship and crew remains your passion and first priority, Jim," Spock stated as if he were reading aloud a scientific calculation and not a matter of Jim's heart. "But your reaction to Soona's departure suggests that you are open to a relationship."
Jim's face heated. "That's...impossible."
"There is a possibility and it would explain why your pulse just accelerated once more and your face -"
"Don't you dare say anymore about it, Spock." Jim warned.
"Fascinating," Spock murmured.
"Not another word, Spock." Jim huffed. What the hell? It was enough for Jim to make Spock swear to him that he would never bring this up ever again. Of all the things that Spock could pick and discuss with Jim, he had to choose to speculate about Jim's relationships and someone he hardly even knew - yet was clearly attached to in some way. Jim cleared his throat. "I have you and Bones. You're all I need."
"We are not all you need," Spock said, voice soft as he reprimanded Jim. "You forget your ship, Captain."
Jim swallowed harshly and began walking towards Dr. Jahnas' office, cane in hand. As usual, Spock was correct. "But you and Bones are enough, Spock. If I can't have the Enterprise, if I can only stay aboard as a blind, ex-captain where my best friends are, then so be it."
And if he discovered that Spock was wrong for the first time and Jim could never play a game of chess with his first officer ever again...
"Wait, Jim," Spock said, gently grasping his arm. Jim stopped, but having difficulty remaining still, his muscles writhed under Spock's fingers. Though the door was closed, Jim turned his head, impatiently listening for any noise from the snake. "I sense that the Re'an creature already affects you. You are driven now to see the creature, Jim. You do not need distractions or a crew member overhearing what we may say before we are ready to explain the situation. Therefore, I must insist that we ask Dr. Jahnas to give us this time alone."
"We just kicked her out of this part of the lab - and now her office?" Jim asked, genuinely concerned that Aleyah would not take this well.
"Indeed."
"I'll do it as soon as we step in the room," Jim said, but then quickly amended the decision. "If I can't manage, I'm sure you will. If she challenges me, by all means, you're Acting Captain, Spock. You can discipline her using whatever means you deem appropriate."
"That is most acceptable, Jim."
"She'll challenge me." Jim stopped in his tracks. "She will, won't she? Despite...this? My blindness?"
"I have no doubt that although she respects you, Jim, she will counter you in some manner. Your appearance today did not affect her other than that she watched you curiously."
"She also liked the flirting we once did," Jim mused aloud. He wasn't sure what he thought of flirting at the moment. It was a subject very foreign to him but apparently he'd done much of it as the old Jim. "Right?"
"You are correct," Spock said.
Jim wasn't sure the new him was up to this. "Shit, Spock. I don't know..."
"Jim, you will do well."
Jim shivered. "Spock, you using the word 'well' gives me the creeps."
"Fine?" Spock asked.
Jim had visions of failure. He shook his head, blinking his eyes. "That's even worse."
"Acceptable."
Jim sighed. "Why don't you just say it. I will do -"
"You are captain," Spock said. "You have shown strength of will despite your recent experiences and I believe your actions in this lab already set a precedent."
"My actions?" Jim asked. "What actions? What precedent?"
"Upon arriving to the lab, you acknowledged Dr. Jahnas first but then directed the conversation to Soona, giving Dr. Jahnas no other option than to wait and listen. It was, in fact, if I am to use an idiom that is common to Terrans - "
"Dammit, Bones," Jim muttered under his breath. "He put you up to that, didn't he, Spock?"
"Indeed, he did, Jim," Spock said without hesitation. "You played it safe. But, if I may go further, your actions were well-played, nonetheless."
"Like...a calculated move, not making things any worse by provoking her?"
Spock released his arm. "Yes."
Jim gave himself a mental shake. "Well, then. Let's go."
The door slid open and Jim stepped in, the brush of his first officer's arm grounding him as the snake's presence - and scent - hit him like the scent of mint. Bones was home to him, as was the Enterprise - but now, so was this.
"I apologize for keeping you waiting, Elise," Jim said. As his heart thudded in his ears, the part of his mind that acknowledged the snake grew, giving him a warm feeling he didn't want to fight.
You do not have to fight it. Breathe, Captain.
"Captain, it is good to see you," Aleyah's voice dripped sweetness.
"Thank you, Dr. Jahnas. It is good to be able to walk the ship." Grateful to Spock using their bond to tell him where exactly the scientist was standing, Jim gave Aleyah a professional yet cool smile. Despite appearances, he was relieved that she was alive. His mind still replayed the horrors of her manifested death but he had to remain cautious of his present, precarious situation. He wasn't the same man that she or anyone else remembered, but he couldn't fail his crew. He had to act as a captain, continuing to set that precedent that Spock described. If it meant that he must maintain his distance, then so be it. "I know we are putting you and your team at a disadvantage this morning, but I must ask one more thing of you."
"The snake should be dead, captain," Aleyah remarked, acting as if she hadn't heard him. "It is not."
"Someday I will explain," Jim said evenly, "but today is not that day. I must ask you to leave."
"I see," she said in a clipped voice.
"Please understand, this is for the captain's benefit," Spock said.
"I promise we won't be long, Dr. Jahnas," Jim added. "But we need this time."
"Very well, sir," Aleyah said.
Jim stepped to the side, preparing for her exit. She paused beside him on her way out.
"I hope whatever is going on with the snake doesn't harm you like it did before, captain," she said in a low voice.
"Dr. Jahnas, we won't be long," Jim said, pointedly moving her along. She merely guessed at what happened to him, and he would neither confirm or deny the statement.
"I will be right outside if you need me, sir," she answered after a moment of silence.
The door slid shut and Jim breathed a sigh of relief. She had tested his patience but it had gone better than he thought.
I concur, Jim. It was more than acceptable.
The snake. The snake's scent hit him before he managed a deeper breath. Spock, it's...it's..
Jim sucked in a breath. The oddest yet thrilling...
Overwhelming, Spock...it's...almost too much.
We understand, and we will help you manage.
"It's coiling," Elise took a sharp breath. "Perfectly."
Jim stepped towards the healer's voice, alarmed. "Do you mean it hasn't before? I know it's been sick but I didn't realize..."
"No, captain, it hasn't coiled as it would in its natural habitat, surrounded by the Re'an," she said quickly, "but now it is moving like a snake should. It lost its awkward movements the second you stepped in, before you began speaking to Dr. Jahnas, but now...it looks natural."
Jim fingered the case lightly, tracing the snake's body as if he could see it, but...he could imagine the snake on the opposite side of the glass. He could almost feel those scales, rough under his fingertips.
"Your hand is alongside the snake, Jim," Elise said softly. "You're connected."
He nodded, not surprised. "I expected to hear something like that."
"No, you misunderstand, captain. The snake is connected to you as it is connected to the other Re'an."
He frowned, somewhat alarmed at the urgency in her voice. "What do you mean, Elise? I'm not a true Re'an."
"Your life and her life are intertwined, Jim."
"Her?" Jim almost smiled. Just like his ship.
"Yes," Elise said. "She lives because you live and have recently become one with the Re'an."
"The barrier is the cause of this?" As obvious as the answer was, Jim had to make sure this was the reason - if for no other reason than to know that the snake would live and live as it had before.
"Yes," Elise replied. "It has infused her with life, Captain."
"I've observed the Re'an snakes' movements during their ceremony," Jim said. "Their movements were like a graceful dance. Is she moving like that?"
"Yes." She moved closer to him and grasped his other hand, his hand warm in hers as she lifted it to the glass like a mother would guide a child. "Press this hand to the glass, as well. You will see."
With his hand on the cool, unforgiving glass he could imagine the creature's movement. He'd witnessed it enough on Re'an V, but it wasn't enough to satisfy him. "I need to hold her."
"Jim, it is a rather dangerous creature," Spock cautioned.
"She won't hurt me, Spock," Jim said quietly.
"He needs to hold the creature, Mr. Spock, and Jim is right. She will not hurt him," Elise said. "I knew the moment I came into this room your connection would require it, Jim, for the creature's sake and yours."
Spock lifted the lid off a portion of the encasement.
"Mine?" Jim asked, frowning.
"Tell me what you feel after you touch her, Jim," Elise said.
Jim's hand scaled to the top edge of the glass and carefully reached inside. He jolted when the snake's scales first slid across his hand but it wasn't in fear. The connection with the snake was different than it was before. It was fuller. Stronger.
The snake traveled up his arm and he withdrew his arm from the case. A brilliant image of his ship burst into his mind, demanding his focus. He closed his eyes, seeing himself protecting her and his crew to his last breath, willing to do absolutely anything and succeeding to keep them both. He fought fiercely with all he had, despite who'd he become - or maybe it was because of who he'd become. Re'an. Human. It almost didn't matter. The Re'an were there, the essence of them in his head forever but the snake pulled and pulled.
"I feel..." Jim hesitated. "It's almost like I'm being pulled in two directions but..."
"They are working together," Elise finished for him. "Like muscles. One cannot move without the other. You need each other. Not only for your confidence..."
"My confidence?" Jim asked, blinking open his eyes. He gently picked the creature off of his shoulders and held it with both hands, gaze downward as its body curled and curled, brushing against his skin. "What do you mean?"
"With this creature's assistance, I sense that you will become more of that man you once were. She is working for you, captain, not against."
"You suggest that Jim's connection with the snake is greater than the barrier itself," Spock stated.
Jim caressed the snake. The creature was magnificent. He'd known that from the beginning, but he hadn't fully understood why until now.
Elise nodded. "Indeed, I am, Mr. Spock, although the barrier will remain, for without the barrier there is no connection with the snake. She will not rid Jim of the barrier because she wants him, but she will strengthen Jim's true self. The Re'an and their creatures lived in a symbiotic relationship and now, the relationship between your captain and this creature is very similar. She has latched on to him, sensing the barrier before he sensed her. It is in her nature to connect with him, and as a Re'an, it is now in his nature to care for her as she helps him."
Jim looked fondly at the curling creature. This was another growing pain, one he had no choice but to accept as a new nature had taken over.
"We cannot separate the two," Spock murmured.
And Jim didn't wish to be separated from the creature. He wouldn't let her go, not even for Bones. Jim took a sharp breath, that last thought almost frightening.
"If she leaves the Enterprise and the captain remains behind," Elise paused. "She will die."
Jim's throat closed. He instinctively released his grasp on the snake, allowing the creature to slide up his arm and onto his shoulders once more where she was comfortable and safe.
"And the captain?" Spock asked after a short silence.
"This strong attachment between the two cannot be broken," Elise said quietly. "If he remains and she is taken to Earth, although he will not die..."
Jim grew light-headed.
"...your captain will suffer."
Author's Note: The Orion-Deltan case is not canon. I came up with the initial, yet very generic idea of these two specific species somehow causing a reason to identify 'species orientation.' However, thanks to the very creative and wonderful Rubyhair, we now have the details of that case - and a beta'd chapter. :) Remaining errors are mine, of course.
Hope you enjoyed the banter. :) After all the angst and despite a few things that have to be worked out yet, such as the snake and Jim's blindness, these boys needed that comfort.
I will try my best to post in two weeks. Until next time... :)