Chapter Thirty- Seven
Angel stood at the stove, his mind a thunderous mixture of emotions: anger, regret, concern. He absentmindedly flipped the pancake, his eyes briefly taking only a moment to realize that the first side was a perfect honey gold color. He couldn't help but let his mind take over, he was angry, angry that this was happening and he had no one around to tell him what to expect, correction, he didn't have Cordelia around to tell him what he could expect. He wondered if his body was strong enough, strong enough to be the protector that Liam and Buffy needed. He knew, beyond reasonable doubt that he could have protected them both had he remained a vampire, but now… He hadn't been in a fight since he had defeated the dragon and he wasn't sure that his body was as strong as it had once been, five years of age had taken over his young body.
He poured more batter onto the skillet as he contemplated his options. Could there be any way that he could continue to protect them? Heavy on his mind was his option to go back to the Oracles, as he once had so many years ago, and ask them if they could take it back, if they could reverse the Shanshu. No, he knew that was a stupid thought, Buffy would murder him if he did that, regardless if it was the smart decision, and he wasn't sure that he wanted to go back to being who he was, not after finally having everything he ever wanted, still he couldn't help but think he was being selfish.
"That smells good." He was startled when he felt small, but strong, powerful arms embrace him from behind. He felt the pads of her soft fingertips as she traced the curves of his abdomen through the black shirt that he wore. He stifled the growl that was urging its way out through his vocal cords and placed his free hand on one of her own, securing her hand to his stomach.
"Liam said he was hungry." His voice was short, maybe even curt depending on who was listening but she knew better, she knew that he was worried, that he was just as frightened about the impending danger that lay ahead of them. "When did you wake up?" His voice was softer now; he could feel her warm breath against his shoulder.
"A little bit ago." She shrugged. "What are you thinking?"
"Nothing." He flipped a few more perfectly golden pancakes, his eyes not daring to met her own. He felt guilty; guilty for even contemplating what he had been only a few moments before she had walked into the room. It was as though she had been reading this thoughts and for a moment, he could feel the panic rising within his chest.
"I know you better than that. I know when you have a something face and when you have a nothing face and that," She pointed with her finger towards his furrowed brow, "is defiantly a something face."
"I was just evaluating the situation, thinking about our… My options."
"Everything will be okay."
"That's not what it seemed like last night as you clutched to me for dear life." She cringed as he mentioned that. She knew he had the right to but still, the dream had taken her by surprise, she was merely in such a state of deep sleep that she couldn't really process it, making it feel all the more real. How could she get him to understand that?
"It was only a dream."
"A dream that often times has a hidden truth behind it."
"You don't have any options besides staying here with me… With us."
"I can go… I can have the Oracles change me back."
"NO!" She spoke loudly, though not quite the scream that she would have preferred, she didn't want to alarm Liam, or Spike for that matter. This was between them, and she wasn't going to let him go off and make decisions without her anymore. They had a child; they were a family, unconventional, yes, but nevertheless, a family.
"It might be our only option. What if I can't fight like this?"
"I can't let you do that. You can't do that." She was pleading with him now, trying with all her might to get him to face her but even though his body was pointed towards hers, he couldn't let his eyes meet her own, not when he knew that even the mention of what he had said was causing her deep pain. "I can't lose you again, you can't leave me… I need you."
"Who said I was going to leave you?"
"That's inevitable with us." She sighed, fighting hard to keep the tears from running down her cheeks. She was sick of crying, sick of feeling this way, especially when she was suppose to be happy, they were supposed to be happy. Everything that they had ever wanted, ever dreamed of, was right at their fingertips, forever was within grasp.
"How can we be together if the cost is your life? Or Liam's life?" He could feel the tears pool in his own eyes as he finally looked down at her, a flash of recognition coming over her emerald green eyes. He let his hand reach down and touch her warm cheek, savoring the way his warm hand felt against her warm cheek.
"Don't give me that Angel. You are strong. It's not like before. We can fight together and we will get through this. We always do."
"Buffy…" He whispered, leaning down and pressing his cheek against the top of her hair.
"No… Don't tell me that."
"I didn't say anything." He chuckled softly, hoping to alleviate some of the tension that had filled the small kitchen.
"I know what you want to say. And no! I get a say in this god damn it and I'm not going to pick up the pieces again. I can't do it. I'm not strong enough to go through that again."
"I understand Buffy… The last thing I want to do is hurt you again but if it's the right thing to do I can't walk away from that."
"How can it be right if we can't be together?"
"I won't let that happen."
"You say that now… But after you change… Once we deal with whatever it is that we have to deal with, you know that you'll leave… You always leave, telling me that I should have a normal life. I'll hate you forever if you do that. We would have HAD a normal life."
"Shhh…" He whispered, "I'm not going anywhere this time love."
"Please don't do this."
"I haven't made any decisions yet. It's just a passing thought."
"Then squelch that thought and never let it pass through your mind again."
He didn't respond, he couldn't because he knew that if that was one of the only options that would secure a victory, that would be the first thing that he would do. Hurting her was not something that he wanted to do, but watching her get hurt by unseen forces, watching her loose her life, watching his son loose his life, that was something he couldn't sit around and watch, and if he could have done something to prevent that, he would never have been able to forgive himself. Instead, he leaned down and pressed his warm lips to her soft, waiting ones. It was an urgent kiss, one that seemed to convey more than just the love that he had for her, one that almost was seemed to be filled with an unquenched longing mixed with a fear that it would never happen again. They pulled back a few moments later, both panting for air.
"I'll go get Liam." She finally spoke upon catching her breath, kissing him softly once more before retreating from the kitchen, leaving him alone with only his thoughts that continued to roar in his mind.
A Little While Later…
Willow woke, her eyes once again looking around the room. She had been distraught to learn that Tara had not visited her in her dreams this time, there were still so many questions she had for her and she was only beginning to realize that the only way that she would ever get those answers would be through sleep. So she braved it, closed her eyes and let the sleep wash over her, unfortunately though, there had been not Tara, no dream. She sighed and pulled herself out of the bed, looking over her shoulder to the clock that told her she had slept well into the afternoon.
The apartment was quiet, leaving her to believe that Pike and Xander may have either gone to Buffy's or instead chosen to spend the day exploring the new territory. A fear washed over her, just a small sense that something was wrong but she chalked that up to her emotions, the emotions that seemed to be taking over her body. She wanted to desperately talk to Buffy but she was afraid that it wasn't the right time. She didn't want to plague her friend with her problems when there were things that were more important.
She walked into the bathroom and turned the water on, letting it warm before stepping into it. The warm water felt good against her tense shoulders and she stood there, letting it cascade down on her for a few moments. She wished that she could stay there forever, wrapped in a makeshift womb that would forever keep her protected and comforted. Though she hated that it seemed she was running from everything, it was only because she was so confused, the conflicting feelings that she was experiencing was not something that she had been use to. In fact, she had been pushing everything deep down within her for so many years now that she wasn't sure that she was the same person that she once was, or if she could ever be that person again. "When you lose someone you love, they take a piece of you with them." She wasn't sure how much of herself existed anymore, if any of it.
Losing Tara had been world shattering, she couldn't deny that, it had been like losing Oz all over again. Both events had been completely out of her control and that scared her more than anything. She hated that someone that you cared so deeply for, that you loved so much, could just up and leave, or die, leaving you alone to face the world, to pick up the pieces of your broken, mourning heart. She just didn't want to feel anymore, she wanted to escape from it all, even though she knew that wasn't an option, that it wasn't something that could ever happen. She tried to imagine herself melting into the shower, dissolving down the drain, and letting it take her far, far away from there. But as much as she wanted to run, she knew she couldn't, Buffy needed her, Liam needed her, and the last thing she could ever do, was leave them now. Though she wasn't opposed to leaving later, after they no longer needed her around. Until then, she would bear.
Meanwhile…
"Are you going to go back to school?" Dawn asked as she walked with Connor down the quiet street. The mood in the apartment had been tense, and that was a generous statement, and she had been desperate to escape, finding that it was only making her depressed to be around it.
"I'm not sure. If they need me, I plan on staying as long as they need help." He shrugged, his eyes continuing to look forward. They had been friends for years now and yet he was feeling so uncomfortable in her presence. Not because he didn't know her, not because he didn't like her, but because he felt that he did like her, like, for the first time, he was seeing her for the first time. He felt his hand clench into a fist, his only defense against the urge to reach out and touch her, to smooth her soft, long, brown hair.
"Oh." She whispered, barely audible for even him to hear but he did.
"What?" He asked, realizing that a few minutes had passed in silence and as he turned to look at her, he could see that she was mulling over something, that her brain was clouded with thoughts. He wished that he could read her mind, wished that he could get inside of it and know exactly what she was thinking, feeling… The electric current that seemed to pass between them confused him, and he wondered if she felt it too, or if it was only in his imagination.
"I want to stay too but I don't think Buffy wants me too." She said softly.
"Why would you say that?"
"I just don't feel like I can really help like everyone else can."
"That's not true." Before he could register what he was doing, he found that his hands were on her shoulders, turning her body towards his so that she was facing him.
"What am I going to do? What can I do? I'm useless."
"You can be there for her, support her, support Liam. Dawn, you are not useless. Never say that about yourself. You have been there for your sister when she has needed you the most and you can be there for her now. I don't think that she would turn you away." His fingers were pushing back her hair from her face, he wanted her to look at him, to see that she was telling him the truth, and she finally allowed their eyes to met and he couldn't help but see the hurt that was swimming around in her eyes. Before he knew what he was doing, he was bending down, his face moving closer to hers, letting his lips press against hers.
A/N: Ahh finally an update! I apologize for how long it's taken... Blame it on Twilight... I just started reading the series last Sunday and I'm about 150 pages into the last book... I can't seem to put it down... Hence the reason I haven't really updated, I'm too much in love with Edward to think about anything else (that includes school work, as I'm hopelessly behind on that as well)... Haha. Anyways, it's an emotional chapter... Hope you all don't mind that... But it was kind of what I felt like writing tonight... Anyways, I hope that you all liked the chapter! I want to continue to thank everyone for sending me your comments and letting me know what you think! Please don't stop! Can't wait to hear how you liked this chapter!