A/N: Here's a confession, the Reason why I haven't uploaded? We only have about three more chapter or so until the end and I don't want to say goodbye.

A big BIG Thank You to all of you who have reviewed and followed and favourited and all that even though I haven't updated in a very long while. It means the world. I love youuuuu

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Chapter 36:

I have given birth three times in my life. Three agonizingly beautiful times. The first two times, it had been easy, quick, or as easy and quick as giving birth without any sort of pain killers could be. And I brought two beautiful daughters into this world, all rosy and with a mop of ashy brown hair. The first one was the only one I ever got to hold; my lord husband had been away on a hunting trip and had yet to return and the servants had allowed me to hold her until he arrived. Everybody knew, even before I had, that the baby girl was not what was expected as a firstborn. Firstborns were supposed to be males. Nobody told me. And we didn't care for that in Egypt. So, I spent five hours doing nothing but staring at her, this beautiful, fragile person I had made.

I named her Bahar because she'd been born in the middle of spring, the time when the desert became more alive, and when my husband, Cyrus, finally walked into my chambers, I had presented her proudly. He had not been happy. Cyrus tore her away from me and walked out. I never saw my daughter again. She was dead before she could even open her eyes.

The second time, when I was informed by the midwife that I'd given birth to yet another girl, I refused to even look at her. My husband had called me useless and he had forcefully dragged me by the hair until we reached the courtyard, where he made me watch as two servants threw the wailing baby into the well.

"Next time, it'll be you paying for this." Cyrus had spat on my face, paying no mind to my wrecked sobs. "Give me a son."

I had wanted to kill him. But I had a duty as Queen. My marriage meant peace between the Persian Empire and the Egyptian. Months later, when I'd discovered I was with child for a third time, I tried to terminate the pregnancy myself. But Cyrus forced me not to, claiming how this was my chance to prove my worth. Those were the worst thirty-two weeks of my mortal life; I was so stressed I barely ate. And that delivery was not easy.

My husband watched it all, wanting to make sure I wouldn't screw up this time, impassive. And it wasn't until I had started crying that Cyrus had walked up to me, grabbed my hand and assured me that this time, nothing bad would come to our child. All I had to do was push a little bit more. At this point, I had been in labor for thirty hours, but I pushed through. My son was stillborn. The long, complicated labor had been too stressful for him.

Cyrus became enraged. I remembered him striking the midwife, demanding that they brought him her head. And when he turned to me, terror had paralyzed me. He had this dangerous glint in his eyes I had never seen before. He had left and returned with a cursed dagger, I could feel the dark magic pulsating through it, and I had begged for my life. Because while being a mermaid allowed me to heal considerably faster than humans, I was still mortal at this point in my life and I feared he wanted me dead.

He paid no mind to my pleas and stabbed me repeatedly in the belly, right above my still delicate womb. I had felt how the sharp knife cut through my skin like it was nothing. And then he waited. Cyrus would stop and watch how my skin tried to heal before stabbing me again and again. I begged him to stop, I told him I'd do anything, I told him I would ask a witch to place a spell on me so that I would only conceive healthy sons. I begged him to kill me quickly. I barely survived the day.

It didn't matter that Cyrus would mysteriously die on his way to battle six months later, my managing to rip him to pieces and leave him as nothing but a decomposing body could not undo what he did. I had lost two marvelous, healthy daughters because of him. And, also thanks to him, the scar tissue among my womb was too invasive, too hostile for me to ever have a child again. King Cyrus, the Great King, King of Babylon, King of the Four Corners of the damned World, had branded me forever like cattle.

I still had the scar, right where a C-Section scar would be. It had remained red and ugly for years before it had finally started to fade to a simple, quite small white line. For two thousand years it has been barely visible to humans. Jacob only noticed it after he had shifted and even then it was a few times before he realized it wasn't a trick of the light. He asked about it and when it became obvious that I did not wish to speak about the scar, Jacob had leaned in and brushed his lips against it.

"You can barely even see it." Jake had commented, clearly trying to make me feel better.

But I still saw it, everyday. It was a constant reminder of what I'd lost. It was a constant reminder of the worst day of my life.

And now, as I stood with my naked toes buried in the sand and the ocean waves licking my calves, I couldn't help but feel like that horrible day. Hopeless, heartbroken, lost and afraid. Because I knew that if I finally left for Underworld for good, I could never come back to Washington. I could never come back to La Push. I could never see the Quileute again. Once I walked out, this chapter of my life would be done for good. And I didn't want it to.

I was afraid of the future, of a future without, goodness I couldn't believe it, a future without the Cullens in it. I had been friends with Carlisle for ages. Alice truly was like a sister to me, so was Jasper. What they had done was unforgivable and yet, somehow, I had forgiven them. Except Edward. I would never forget Edward Cullen or Isabella Swan. As far as I was concerned, the only good thing that would come out of me walking away was that I'd never have to see those two again.

And yet I hadn't left yet. Because I didn't want to say goodbye; it hurt too much, I was too scared. I wouldn't be able to see Sam and Emily's wedding or attend Seth's graduation or see my sister fall in love even more with Paul. They were my friends and I would lose them forever. I closed my eyes, taking a deep breath in of the salty breeze and finally ready to face the real reason I had so much trouble leaving.

I was terrified of never seeing Jacob Black again. He had become a vital part of me from the very moment we had met. I remembered like it had been yesterday. He had asked me if we'd met before and I had said no like he'd gone mad but, deep inside, I couldn't deny the feeling that, yes, we must have. Because seeing Jacob for the first time had felt like a revival. And now the boy was gone and in his place was a strong, honest man, a leader in the making. I loved him so much it hurt.

If I left, Jacob could begin to heal. If I stayed, his pain would stay too, a hindrance on his way to real, meant-to-be happiness. But I feared what would become of me if I never saw him again. But if I stayed—if I stayed and told him I loved him and we got back together, he could meet her in a few years or months or whatever and I'd end up hurt and alone again. I hated being alone. And no matter what I did, whether I stayed or left, there was a big possibility that I'd end up alone anyways.

"Here you are!" Charlotte said, suddenly appearing behind me. "You know, when you said 'meet me at the beach' I thought you meant, First Beach, not Kalaloch."

I turned around. She was by the shore, wearing a summer dress similar to the one I had on, except hers was white with red polka dots. Her teasing smile disappeared when she realized I was crying. Charlotte appeared by my side in a second, paying no mind to the water or the fact that my sadness was winding the ocean up to the point where the ocean waves would reach our thighs each time they broke.

"What's the matter, honey?" she asked.

"I don't know who I am anymore." I mumbled, looking down at the vial in my hands. Love Potion Number Five was inside of it. I wanted to destroy it.

"What are you talking about? Of course you do!"

"I forgave the Cullens." I confessed, lifting my eyes to meet hers.

"You what?" my sister exclaimed, angry.

"Alice and Jasper," I amended. "The others are still in a dangerous zone. Edward Cullen has lost me forever."

"Why?" charlotte shook her head. I saw in her eyes she already knew why, though.

"Because…" I trailed off, looking out to the horizon again.

The answer to that was simple. Because while I was certain that somewhere along the way I'd lost myself, this I knew. I was forgiving, stupidly so. I'd forgiven my father for marrying me off to some idiot, I'd forgiven my mother for turning me and Charlotte into immortal beings, for trapping us into infinity. I had forgiven Charlotte. And now, I had forgiven Alice and Jasper Cullen, even Carlisle. I was forgiving, that was why I'd made such a loved queen.

"Because that's who you are." Charlotte sighed, shaking her head at me.

"Is that all, though?" I asked. "I used to be strong. I was powerful. But now all I am is a stupid pushover."

"You were strong and just and resilient. And you never gave up," Charlotte put a hand on my arm and turned to me with big eyes. "You were the Ice Queen. You could turn this whole ocean to ice if you wanted. You were so powerful, Neferure." She shook her head.

"You're not making me feel better," I said.

"My point is, you were all those things and you still are. But you have a big heart." Charlotte explained. I frowned. "You're kind and loving and forgiving. And that's not a bad thing, that's a great thing! Unless you let it cloud all the other great parts of you."

"So you're saying…"

"I'm saying you need to find a balance." Charlotte explained.

"I need to go." I realized.

"You need to go." She confirmed. "And you don't have to worry, because we love you, and we'll be here when you come back."

I hugged her tightly. My sister was right. I was letting all these feelings make me forget who I was. I'd been trapped in vampire world for so long and the only reason why I'd gotten into it on the first place was because I didn't want to be alone. It had erased every part of me that I loved. They didn't like magic, so I didn't use it. Carlisle was the leader so I had to obey. We posed as humans, so I had to pretend too. I'd been slowly and softly pushed down until I fit the mold they had wanted me to fit, something I wasn't. I had to leave to Underworld, the place where I managed to be who I truly was without consequences. I had to stop being afraid of being alone.

"I will leave six days after graduation," I told my sister.

"Why not earlier?" Charlotte asked, stepping out of the hug and looking at me with suspicion.

"It doesn't matter why." I shook my head, beginning to walk back to shore.

"Antoinette, what did you see?" she asked. "Is something bad going to happen?"

"I can't tell you that," I shook my head, hearing the fear in her voice. "But it's big and it's not good."

I couldn't tell her because even I wasn't sure what it was that would occur. I just knew it'd be a few days after graduation and that it didn't feel nice. I had a feeling it may involve the rogue coven of vampires up in Seattle but I still didn't understand why that would make me want to stay until the end of it. Because that was all I truly knew. I had to stay for that, I had to be here.

"You have to tell Jacob you're leaving, Antoinette." Charlotte said as we began to walk towards town. "Sooner better than later."

"I know." I sighed.

"And you need to tell him you love him. He knows about the potion, he knows it has worn off." She insisted. "Stop being afraid."

I rolled my eyes. Of course Charlotte told Jacob about the stupid potion, I was surprised she'd managed to keep it a secret for so long. I looked down at the vial in my hand. Stop being afraid. That was easier said than done. With one look from me, the contents of the vial froze entirely before the whole thing exploded into tiny little unrecognizable pieces. What used to be my masterpiece now looked like a small bundle of salt grains. Charlotte jumped slightly. I simply let the little grains of frozen potion fall to the sand, where they would remain frozen forever, until I willed them to thaw.

Protecting Bella Swan? Yeah, that was boring as hell. So I didn't really do it. The only reason I was currently sitting on the roof of the Swan residence was because someone had to make sure the wolves only stood guard for five hours. I didn't trust the Cullens to remember they had to arrive too, or to not begin a brawl. So, I was sort of the mediator, I supposed. The Hall monitor. The ref. Switzerland. Well, not really considering I was on the wolves' corner but the point is the same.

I had been doing this since Edward told us about the invader. But it hadn't been until my sister had talked to me that I'd decided to do it on my terms. I would not be manipulated by vampires again. I was here to help but only those I loved and who loved me. I was trying to be me. And so far I had semi-succeeded.

And as I waited, I'd go through the finances of Underworld. No wonder my sister had bailed. This was disastrous. But I had a plan. A plan I'd already shared with Cassius, one of the council members, and he believed it was a great monetary advancement. He'd even begun to enforce it already, assuring me that by the time I returned things would be better. I didn't doubt that, a month here was a year in Underworld and I still had about three weeks left here, which gave Cassius plenty of time.

A quiet howl made me look down. Quill, Embry, Paul and Jacob had arrived. I noticed proudly that Jacob was leading, not Paul like it would have been a month ago. I smiled, lifting one hand in a small wave.

"Hi, Jake." I whispered. He huffed slightly in greeting. A strange fear gripped me, like I'd been terribly late for something. Jacob wouldn't meet my eyes. "Can we talk? Tomorrow, noon, First Beach?" I requested.

Jacob just nodded. Knowing he had agreed did nothing to my nerves.

I got to First Beach at eleven in the morning instead of at noon, needing to be there first so I could calm down. My heart almost lurched out of my chest and into the beach sand when I found Jacob was already waiting for me. We just looked at each other and I knew. I knew that my fear had been justifiable. Somehow, Jacob had already found out I was leaving for Underworld.

"You're leaving." He stated.

"I am." I confirmed, beginning to walk. "Vampires—factions of vampires are running havoc, plus the economy is down the drain and don't even get me started in slave-trading, which I still don't understand why it's legal."

Jacob didn't say anything. I thought maybe I should leave now. After all, I had packing to do and it was clear he wouldn't speak anymore. But I had a feeling this was goodbye and I didn't want to miss it.

"I loved you before I shifted, you know that." He commented after a while of us walking down First Beach.

I smiled nostalgically. "You were sixteen, Jake. Nobody knows what love truly is at that age."

"Don't," he snapped, suddenly angry. "Don't simplify my feelings."

I kept quite, not knowing what to say or how to feel. This was just a gigantic mess. All I'd wanted was to make things simple, to just tell him I loved him and be done with it. But the constant doubt of whether or not we were really meant to be was eating me alive.

"This is their entire fault." Jacob spat out with as much disgust as possible.

I knew he referred to the Cullens, so I started shaking my head in the negative. I disliked the Cullens, but I didn't blame them for this. At least not anymore.

"No, it's not. All they did was make me realize the truth." I shrugged, not defending them, just pointing out the facts.

"Which is?" he asked after a few seconds of nothing but the waves crashing against shore.

"You're not mine." My voice was barely a whisper.

"Yes, I am," was his immediate response. I pressed my lips in a tight line. He stopped walking and I followed suit. "What do you want, Antoinette?"

"I want you to be happy. That's all."

Why didn't he get it? I was walking away so he would be happy, so he could have a better life. What was the point of being with me? the girl who had powerful enemies, the girl who made horrid mistakes, the girl who was friends with vampires and demons and goblins, the girl who couldn't even give him a real family? The girl who wasn't human. He would be so much happier with a lovely human girl, one who could eventually make him realize he didn't need to keep on shifting, that he could have a normal human life with worries only about who would take the kids to school or do the dishes. I wasn't that. In my three thousands years of life, not once had I ever had such mundane worries, the troubles in my life had always consisted of war and the balance in the supernatural, never on how someone hadn't mowed the lawn.

But Jacob didn't see it that way. He took a step forward and grabbed my hands in his, this time not even hesitant. I looked up at him, having to strain my neck to be able to meet his eyes. They were sad but also desperate.

"Then stay in my life." He requested, giving my hands a squeeze.

"I'm scared." I admitted, not even noticing the way my voice broke.

That sentence seemed to soften him completely, as if he was glad I'd finally said the truth, as if he already knew that but just wanted me to confirm it. His left hand moved up to my elbow, sending shivers down my spine.

"Of what?" Jacob asked me softly, encouraging.

That was enough to send me blabbering.

"What if… what if we're happily together, believing the potion wore off, and it turns out that she hasn't even been born yet? And then—then we spend a hundred years before you meet her and…" I shook my head furiously, taking my hands away from him and hugging my torso. "And I end up all alone again?"

This was why I was so reluctant to even be friends with him last year, no matter how much my heart had wanted to see him once more. I didn't like being alone. And Jacob had become such an important part of my life in so little time, if I lost him it would kill me. What was worse was that I didn't know what would be worse, losing him to death or losing him to another. Either way, it'd be devastating.

"You wouldn't be alone." Jacob answered immediately. "You can love two people at the same time, you know."

I scoffed and looked away. Yeah right.

"I've seen it! With Sam, Emily and Leah." He argued.

Sam, Emily and Leah. Sure. Sam loved Emily and he still loved Leah. Leah still loved Sam. Emily loved them both in different ways, but loved them anyway. And while I could see this clearly, I also knew Sam would never choose Leah again. His world was Emily, his sun was Emily, Leah was just the moon right now, even less than the moon. And it hurt them, all three of them.

"And how is that working for them?" I asked, turning to face him.

We kept quiet for a while, simply standing there, facing each other, millimeters apart but never touching. The air had picked up and was battling against us, making my hair fly in every direction and his get into his eyes. We didn't move it away. Behind me, the sea was raging, the waves were even angrier, crashing constantly and creating uproar. I wanted to walk behind me, dive in and disappear for about a year. This was becoming too much; my chest was heavy and every breath I took felt like it was trying to drown me instead of give me life. Try as I did, I couldn't remember when everything had taken such a left turn.

"I'm not saying this so you won't leave." he suddenly spoke. "I love you, here or in Underworld. And it's what you've always wanted, to go back. But I don't want you to go thinking you're making me a favor, because you're not."

I nodded silently. Then, I stepped forward and circled his torso with my arms, pressing my face into his cotton navy blue shirt and inhaling his scent; wood and pine. His arms engulfed me seconds later, protecting me from the cold winds of Washington state, giving me a sense of belonging. I never wanted to leave.