A/N- Hey, you guys remember that poll I posted who knows how long that dictated the order that these chapters came out in? Well as of posting this that poll is gone. Yay! Progress!
MASS MISCALCULATION
Episode 35- Cyber Cipher
Boss hummed to himself as he scrolled the messages on his omni-tool, sitting on the couch at the penthouse, mostly doing management-type stuff.
Zin empire was going great, nothing to report there… honestly, Boss didn't know what they did with their free time, he had plans to use the empire once the reapers got here, but until then they were in dark space doing miscellaneous projects that Boss thought were important- such as a jetpack he had ordered.
Honestly, he was quite appalled at this universe; all this advanced technology, not to mention flying cars, and not one jetpack? No, he couldn't stand for that, it was on his bucket list to fly a jetpack and he was gonna fly one, dammit. Sure, he's glided in the power suit. Flown a helicopter, and a airplane, and a advanced military laser jet, and even a spaceship, but a jetpack?
Now that right there would be some baller shit.
He scrolled some more. "More messages from the Council, delete. Internet bill, send to Viola. Gang status, normal… huh?" he checked again, eyes widening when he saw the reports.
No-one shooting at them, gun deals going well, brothels profitable, that new casino they opened a success, NyteBlade making a noticeable profit!? This couldn't be possible, especially that last one.
If what he read was right, this meant… this meant that he didn't have anything to do to help the gang. It was… self-sufficient at the moment.
"No…" Boss whispered, falling off the couch and landing on his knees. "It can't be, it just… no! It ain't possible, it just ain't!"
Boss didn't have anything to do, and therefore… he was bored.
"No… no. No! NO! NOOOOO!"
Somewhere on Illium
Illium wasn't known for it's abandoned apartments, but like every major metropolitan city in the galaxy somewhere in there was a abandoned apartment, where not even the vagrants lived it was so run-down. A apartment building as dank, damp and dirty as any sewer, with about as much wildlife as well. This seemingly abandoned apartment in the middle of the city was no different, seeing as rats infested every square inch.
These weren't garden variety rats, either. Oh no. The rats on Illium were at least three times as big. Part of the reason no-one lived there anymore considering it was full of small furry creatures that would swarm you in an instant and gnaw you down to a skeleton in about thirty seconds.
Rabies was a problem, too.
None of these things concerned Binary, though. Because they had cleaned out one single apartment so it was livable, and had set up traps in virtually every single vent and pipe so the rats couldn't get in. Kind of important considering the metric ton of electronic equipment scattered around the apartment, and despite hundreds years of cumulative research by zoologists saying otherwise, Binary knew for a fact rats went straight for electronics to eat first.
Someone really needed to take care of that rabies problem…
But other than that, it was a nice enough place. As long as the rats didn't get to you.
And it was on this day that Binary could gladly say they were rat-free at the moment as they sat in front of multiple monitors, lines of coding whizzing past each screen while the hacker sat in a leather chair, typing away furiously, black hoodie on with a black mask on, two triangular, glowing blue pieces jutting from the top while the bottom of the mask was comprised of a blue triangle pointing downwards, somewhat resembling a cat's face.
If binary were to see what their job was, they would say it was grand larceny on a massive scale- and oh did the Council hate him, to the point that only high-up officials in any species' government, the Council themselves, or spectres knew of him. Millions of credits suspiciously and mysteriously vanishing from the virtual bank vaults of banks? Pirates. Files no-one was supposed to see getting released to the public? Some free-thinking radical likely. The person who gave Boss the data about the beacon on Thessia?
Well, the asari councilor probably knew it was they who did it, but it's not like they could tell anyone.
Currently? Pirating games online. Hey, even a intergalactic hacker got bored sometimes, right?
But unfortunately, Binary's plundering of virtual entertainment was interrupted when a flashing red light beeped on their omni-tool, a neon-blue display activating as a screen popped up, revealing six armored salarians in black armor outside the door, rifles in hand as a seventh salarian worked on getting through his door.
Binary shook their head. "Amateurs…" a distorted voice grumbled, gloved hand pressing a few buttons on the display of the omni-tool.
Two seconds later, all the salarians in the hallway were screaming as they were fried alive by their own omni-tools, bodies slumping to the floor while Binary grumbled to themselves, pulling a black backpack from under the chair they were sitting on and slamming it on the desk in front of them.
"Great, just great…" they thought to themselves, small disk-drives popping from the multiple monitors, Binary throwing dozens in the backpack.
What was this, third time this month they found them? Yeah, third sounded right. The hacker had to do this every time they found them, pull the thousands of terabytes of data from the drives, torch the place, go to their backup hideout, buy new hardware and set up shop again, that would take a few days, once he was done they'd have to assess any pests in the new location and set up traps, and once that was all set up they'd have to plan a new backup hideout for the inevitability of them finding the hacker again…
Binary's head suddenly rose as an epiphany came to them. You know what? Screw that noise, they were done running, resetting every couple of weeks, they were done! They were going to end this so they could stop running and hack in piece… but they'd need help.
A smile formed behind the mask. The Boss of the Saints owed them a few favors after all…
Pierce frowned as he looked at the Saints Flow can he currently had in his hand. Something was… off about it. Not the flavor, consistency. It was… less so, he couldn't put it into words.
Ever since coming back from Tuchanka Flow just, it just didn't taste the same. It was subtle at first, he missed it a few times, but slowly he started to notice that Flow wasn't just giving him the raw energy that it used to give him, and he couldn't explain why… and oh did it frustrate Pierce, not knowing.
Pierce's ears perked up when he heard a moaning noise, followed by shuffling, and poked his head outside of the backup kitchen on the other side of the Penthouse to see a shambling, moaning form, slowly making it's way towards him.
No, it… it couldn't be! They took care of all the zombies, unless… shit. And here Pierce was without a gun.
"Oh no. No, no!" Pierce screamed, bolting from the kitchen and running away. "Aaron! Aaron we missed one!"
The shambling stopped in front of the counter Pierce had just left, Boss inspecting the can of Flow Pierce was drinking from. Ah, good, he was still drinking the diluted cans he ordered… where was he?
Oh, right. Shambling aimlessly… man Boss was bored.
He never imagined something like this would be possible… that he, Boss, would be bored. It was just- stuff like this didn't happen to him, ever since he was born he found something fun to do.
This is what boredom felt like? It felt… so wasteful. Just killing time by standing there, doing nothing, it truly was awe-inspiring how amazingly shocking the experience was. It was… eye-opening, really. Making Boss think about his withered options like this. He could go to the Mothership, see how things were going, but he just didn't feel like doing it? Steal something? Saints were in no way in a financial situation right now, that was for sure. He really didn't have anything to do.
Because thinking of these withering options was just another way to kill time.
And then his entire world turned into a marshmallow when his vision encompassed nothing but white. His hands groped out, feeling whatever he ran into and grasping nothing but squishy-feeling material.
No, scratch that, this was hard muscle. A lot of it, too. This could only mean one thing…
Pulling himself away, Boss pleadingly stated, "Zinjai I was kidding about the Ghostbusters thing… oh, hey man"
Boss saw Oleg's face staring down at him, cocked to the side. "Ghostbusters?" he questioned.
"Heh, yeah me and ZJ had an argument about Staypuft the Marshmallow Man. Was afraid that he made one" Boss laughed halfway through the sentence, then noticed the items Oleg was holding.
In his left hand, a purple box in the shape of a heart. In his right hand, a bouquet of purple flowers of which Boss was not familiar with. Gears were turning in Boss's mind, then dinged, Boss stepping back.
"Uh, Oleg my man," Boss raised both of his hands, "you're a nice guy and all, but I ain't like that, homie"
Oleg frowned. "These are for Kinzie"
Boss nodded, slowly, making a silent 'oh' sound. It wasn't any secret that Oleg had a thing for Kinzie… and by that Boss meant that it was a complete secret, and the only reason he and Pierce knew was because Oleg had spontaneously blurted it out during the battle in Steelport, when those wrestlers and STAG was having a last stand. Admittedly they had a slim chance of surviving so they had all confessed something. And because of that Oleg had warned them afterwards when everything was fine that if Boss or Pierce told Kinzie or anyone else he would snap their spines like a toothpick.
Good times, right?
And Boss was pretty sure Kinzie had a thing for him too… maybe… probably… he didn't have a clue with that girl. She seemed pretty upset when Earth got blown up, even mentioned Oleg's name. Then again with her that meant anything. Or maybe nothing. Such was the mystery of Kinzie Kensington.
"What could have possibly made you think these were for you?" Oleg asked. "Do you assume everyone holding these items are trying to ask you on a date?"
Boss shrugged. "Well I mean… come on, man, they're flowers and chocolate. It's totally a universal law that those mean either a date or a surprise assassination"
"And you thought they were for you because…?"
"Um, a, these are purple. Purple's my thing"
"These chocolates are purple because after the reforms you put on Illium there's not a single item on the planet colored red. And the flowers are purple because the flower saleswoman said they were attractive"
"Ah-huh" Boss looked closer at the flowers. They were… sort of attractive. They kind of looked like violets mixed with bean pods, except greasier, and with blue stalks. And if one were to look really closely, one could see some kind of purple gas seeping from the petals.
"Hey man, why are your flowers leaking?"
Oleg gulped. "What, that?" he hid the flowers behind his back. "That's nothing, you do not need to worry about that"
Boss crossed his arms. "Oleg…"
Oleg stomped his foot, groaning, "fine, fine I relent. What happened was…"
Earlier that day
"You are sure these will work?" Oleg was hesitant to buy the flowers currently clenched in his large, meaty fist. They weren't all that attractive to be honest, and to his knowledge flowers were supposed to smell nice. These flowers smelled of melted plastic and plant mulch.
Then again, Kinzie spent all of her time around computers, so maybe the smell of plastic would be welcoming to her, he didn't know. But the smell isn't what he was loosing for…
The saleswoman, an aged asari behind a counter littered with flowers, nodded. "Sure thing, hon. Pheromones released by those petals act as a powerful aphrodisiac, one whiff and anyone will go into a sex-craze. They sure do work on asari, I can tell you that much," she sighs wistfully, "but those were my college days… seven hundred years ago. Anyways, you buyin'?"
Oleg nodded eagerly. "Yes, yes!" he said enthusiastically, practically throwing her his credit chit.
One swipe later, and the flowers were his, Oleg staring at the flowers as beads of sweat rolled down is forehead.
"Uh, sugar? You'll crush the flowers if you squeeze too hard"
The Russian's eyes widened, his grip easing. "Yes, yes you're right" he looked around nervously. "I must go now. Enjoy the rest of your day"
The old asari chuckled as she saw the large man lumber out of the store, sprinting down the street, faster than some of the aircars overhead. "Heh, young love, those bring back memories…" then she thought of the picture Oleg had showed her when he picked out the flowers.
The old shopkeeper shook her head. "Poor girl is going to get crushed if those flowers work"
But she didn't have time to worry about the consequences of possibly dooming a random girl's pelvis. She had other customers to attend to, like the person in the strange mask who just entered the shop.
Present
"Oleg, man, what the fuck!?" Boss yelled upon hearing this. He knew Oleg was desperate, but damn, he didn't know the large man would go this far.
Now Oleg was panicking, Boss was against the idea of seducing Kinzie with flowers immediately. He had to act fast before his own consciousness caught up with him.
After all, Oleg was desperate. He wanted Kinzie so bad to the point where he would go through any means necessary, so to him this seemed completely justifiable.
"It's perfectly safe and ethical," he reasoned, "back in the KGB tactics like this were used all the time to seduce targets, it's perfectly natural"
"It's damn date rape is what it is, gimme that shit!" Oleg didn't have time to protest as Boss reached around and tore the flowers from Oleg's grasp, punching a hole in a nearby window and tossing them out, Oleg helplessly watching as the petals were scattered to the wind.
Taking a deep breath, Oleg growled through gritted teeth, "those flowers cost me eight-hundred credits, Boss"
"Here's the thing, Oleg, I don't know if that's a lot or not. You know I was walking around yesterday when I heard this kid yapping about this sweet-ass pistol he got for fifty credits, then I wander over to this pet shop and the guy there, this motherfucker man, you know what he wanted for the goldfish he had there? Guy wanted fifteen-hundred creds for goldfish that came in a shit plastic baggy, I mean, what the hell man?"
Oleg still had a fuming face, so Boss added, "Oleg man, you really think that if you did that and Kinzie found out she would like you anymore? Because she would find out. She always finds out…"
Oleg's face twisted in horror, looking at the hand that had once held those accursed flowers. Boss was right, after all, how would he feel if someone tried to do that to him? He'd probably crush their head between his thighs if he found out. The fact that he tried the same while not assuming she would not feel the same way… dear god, it was his KGB days all over again.
"No…" he gasped in horror, "no, I didn't think this through!"
"I'll say"
"Boss, you must help me!" Boss back-stepped when the giant tried to grip his shoulders, then groaned when he got on his knees. "I've never done this before, I have no experience! You must help me!"
He wanted to say no. Boss really, really wanted to say no. But, the problem lay in the boredom he currently suffered in. If Oleg really wanted to date Kinzie, than this would be the perfect solution to his boredom!
Only problem was that he didn't know a thing about dating either, but hey, one bridge at a time.
"Okay Oleg, if you want me to help you, you're gonna need to get off of the floor," Boss instructed, Oleg immediately standing up at a speed that surprised Boss. "Okay, now look man. I shoot people for fun, I don't know anything about women. But I do know, that women only care about one thing; honesty" Boss didn't know if that was true or not, but he was on a roll here. "Be honest, be… Oleg. Yeah, be that"
"You are sure?"
"… Yeah man, totally," he lied, "just go and ask her, the worst she can say is no" also a lie, the worst she could do is hack into any social media profiles a person had and ruin their life.
"Alright, I can do this," Oleg exhaled and inhaled heavily, doing little hops. "I can do this, I will do this! I'm going to go and ask for a date!"
He ran off, then not five seconds later noticed something missing, and turned around to see Boss holding the box of chocolates.
He waved. "Hey Oleg"
"Boss?"
"Yeah?"
"Can I have my chocolates back?"
"Hell no, you had your chance with the gifts, get lost," Boss said, cradling the box. Oleg lumbered off, Boss ripping open the box and grabbing one of the small chocolates within, popping one in his mouth.
He grimaced as the treat went down his throat. "Wow, these suck," he remarked. "Gonna have to yell at Oleg for buying sucky chocolate now"
Besides the fact that asari were incapable of making good chocolate, Boss had another dilemma; that dilemma being that he was bored again. Sure, he had killed ten minutes dealing with Oleg's problem, but what was he supposed to do for the rest of the day? Ten minutes only filled so much after all.
Then Aaron and Pierce burst into the room, each with a chainsaw yelling at the top of their lungs.
"There it is, get it!" Pierce yelled, pointing at a confused Boss, Aaron running forward swinging the chainsaw in every direction conceivable.
"The hell!?" Boss ducked under the blade, flinching when Aaron swung again, the revving teeth centimeters away from Boss's face.
"Uh… hey Boss," Aaron greeted, chuckling weakly as he turned the chainsaw off, forming it back into a cube. "How ya doing?"
"I'm not doing this, what the hell is wrong with you two?" Boss demanded.
Aaron immediately pointed at Pierce. "It was him"
Pierce glared at Aaron. "Man, are you for real?" he asked.
"Pierce said there was a zombie we missed shambling around, it was all his fault," Aaron elaborated. "Please blame him for all this and not me"
Boss looked back and forth between the two men, watching them bicker when a thought came to him, that thought being that it was forever since he had hanged out with one of his friends.
He was a man, a man of an undefined age who had a very stressful life as a gang leader. Sure, shooting things only relieved so much stress, he needed to do something to unwind.
After all, how was he supposed to run the gang if he broke down due to stress? Or boredom, one of those, didn't matter. What mattered was that he had friends, friends who shared in his hobby of shooting people and that friends that has not hanged out with in practically forever.
Sure, with all the craziness and insane people that try to kill them day-to-day may be a viable excuse to some, but he wasn't going to take it.
"Guys, wait," Boss interrupted, the two Saints in front of him pausing to pay attention to Boss, who asked, "can I ask you guys something?"
They both nodded slowly, prompting Boss to continue. "Aaron, we're friends, right?"
Aaron stroked his chin. "Lemme think about that one," he leaned on the counter, and brought his hands close together. "I would consider us bros," his hands spread. "In terms of friendship, or homieship as you would call it-"
"I have never once called it that"
"Well it sounds cool, I'm sticking with it. Anyway, in terms of homieship I would think it's been slipping lately"
The eyebrows of the Boss raised. "Really? Why is that?"
Aaron starting counting off fingers. "You nuked my cat, even after I threw the microwave out the window, you went through the actual effort to fix it just to toss my cat in there"
"Thing shoulda stayed out of my porn"
"During junior year you had that dreadlock phase and your hair almost choked me when you tripped down some stairs that one time"
"I said I was sorry"
"You set my damn comic poster on fire a few days ago!"
Boss scoffed. "That could have been anyone," he defended. Aaron kept staring at him, and Boss sighed loudly, saying in a groaning manner, "fiiine, it was me. To be fair your room looks better now"
"My room has a giant burnt hole in the wall, you fuck! Why did you even- the lock on my door was hacked! You hacked my door!"
"No I didn't. Matt did"
"You twisted mother-!"
"Pierce, quick," Boss pointed at the man, interrupting Aaron who crossed his arms, leaning on the counter and grumbling. "Describe the friendship of Boss and Pierce, my man"
Pierce laughed lowly, setting the chainsaw down while he glared at Boss. It wasn't a normal glare, either. It was a glare of a man who had things to say.
Boss knew what that meant, so he mentally prepared himself for the onslaught.
"Boss, over the past month, I've been beaten, humiliated-"
"Mostly your fault"
"Yeah, but made fun of, mocked-"
"All avoidable"
"Put in a body cast-"
"Lotta people died to that zombie stunt, Pierce"
"Alright fine I'd be dead without you and the Saints give me purpose in life. Hell, I've even got my own album thanks to you"
Aaron raised a hand. "Album?"
"Ah-huh," Pierce nodded, pulling a picture up with his omni-tool depicting Pierce singing into a microphone with a abstract purple background, the words 'Shades of Purple, Royal Plum edition' stamped on the top.
"I'll be damned," Aaron remarked. He knew Boss was making more and more effort everyday bringing back old-world music to the future, but geez. All they need is some new, innovative wonder product and they could be a corporation.
That would never be a possibility because there was no way Boss would ever allow the Saints to stoop that low, but Aaron saw that border.
"A'ight, cool. Here's what I'm thinking," Boss shot forward, wrapping an arm around Pierce and Aaron's neck. "I ain't doin' shit, you two ain't doing nothing either, so, we can probably go out, get some drinks, have a good time. Whatcha guys say?"
Aaron looked at Pearce, asking, "you doing anything?"
"Nah," he answered.
"Okay, we're good"
"Alright!" Boss pumped his fist in the air, walking to the landing pad with his two friends in tow. "You guys are gonna like this, it's gonna be sweet. There's gonna be drinking, tunes, some more drinking…"
If one were to describe the smell in the hallway, one would describe it as 'grilled'.
Perhaps it wasn't a correct term, but burnt bodies never did have a smell assigned to them other than 'charred corpse', but salarians in particular, well, they just had that smell when they were cooked.
Kind of like fried lizard, but more… mild. Not as strong, and if one were to get that taste in their mouth, that taste one gets in the back of their throat when they sense a strong smell, the flavor would be more… rubbery?
Something like that.
"Good lord," a armored salarian remarked. "This smell is terrible"
"I dunno…" the salarian froze when a form donned in a black hoodie stepped behind him, black mask on his face with two vertical, glowing red dots taking the face portion, voice deepened by a modifier. "Sort of smells like lobster someone set on fire and rolled in clay," he chuckles. "It's weird"
"Uh-uh-uh-" the salarian stuttered, the man smacking him in the face.
"Hey, chill. I don't pay you to stand there and stutter"
"Right," the salarian nodded, turning back to the bodies. "Well, Wurm, this person your after must be some kind of genius, managed to hack their omni-tools and overload their combat programs. They fried them"
"Smells like your right," Wurm agreed, head looking around the ceiling. "I knew I should have put a filtration system in this thing…"
The salarian hummed. "Only problem is, I don't see how they did it. Hack like that would take time, they should have shot the target long before they even started, even if they had a shield"
"They didn't have a chance," Wurm pointed to a small, almost nonexistent camera above the door. "They were dead the second the target saw him"
"Why?"
"'Cause of the program he has, numbnuts" two more salarians walked out of the apartment. "Anything?" Wurm asked.
"No," one answered, "drives were wiped, place was torched. Nothing was left"
"'Course not. Alright" Wurm flicked out his omni-tool, clicking a few icons, a red, blue, and green screen coming up. "It's me, girls. Gone again, I need you to comb the street, see if you can find any trace of the target"
The three salarians backed up when they realized who the man was calling. They had to know, they made a point in making sure they knew who was hiring them.
Admittedly, they were scared when they first found out- downright terrified, to be honest. Not because of who he was, but because of what he could do. And those three lackeys of his were nothing to joke about that, either.
The words Wurm said next chilled the trio, though. He tone of voice dropped so low his voice modifier made him sound downright demonic. And for salarians that was saying something.
"If you find that traitorous bastard? Nah, leave 'em alive, same orders as always. I got a favor to return, after all"
Sweat poured down Oleg's face. He couldn't do it, he just couldn't do it. Nothing, not his abnormal strength, his intelligence, his KGB training, none of it could prepare him for this.
"No," he berated himself, "you're being foolish. She is single, you are single. It is simple"
That renewed some faith in him as he large, meaty finger hovered closer to the target, a few inches within reach.
Then some of the sweat dripped into his eyes, and he paused to wipe it away. Great, that stalled a few more seconds, more time for him to muster his courage.
But the sweat was gone, now. Dehydrated from all this emotional nonsense. He needed to get in gear, here.
His finger went to the button on the door, about to hit it… and missed, hitting the button a few inches to the left.
He frowned, pulled back the finger, and tried again. Nope, missed again.
Silly Oleg, how hard was it to press a single button on the door? What's the worse that could happen, he ask her out on a date that results in her harshly rejecting him which, not only makes it awkward to live in the same building as her but also crush is heart?
Nope, no way, nuh-uh. Not gonna happen, best to let the matter just sit there for all of eternity and hope that it just works itself out, after all, what are the chances that she gets picked up by some other person who was better looking than he was? Sure, he could bench press a car and had a IQ of two-hundred but what the hell was the point when he was bald with a pupil-less eye!? Women didn't go for that!
One hand went for the button. The other hand restrained that hand, and Oleg found himself struggling just to open a damn door, how hard was it, just one push and that was it! Ask the question!
No, don't! You'll be rejected!
Won't matter if someone else gets her before you, big man!
Oleg must've evolved to gain the power of osmosis, because more sweat started to pour from his face as the finger slowly slid forward until he finally hit the button, the door opening. Kinzie was sitting there, on the bed, cross-legged and fiddling with a monitor.
"K-Kinzie?" he called over. Oleg wondered if it was too late to try and merge with the wall and just stay there for a few months, but that was proven true in terms of being too late when Kinzie looked up.
Well, the window was always over there to jump out incase plan B proved to be necessary. So there was that at least.
"Oh, hey Oleg!" she waved. "I was just finishing this up, did you want something?"
He wanted something, all right. Several somethings, to be specific. Almost none decent. "Yes, Boss has had me doing some… heavy lifting around here, and saw fit to give me a break," that's right, Oleg, stick with a lie, giver her a convincing story. "He has given me two reservations to this restaurant, I have an extra seat…" exactly zero extra seats, in fact. "Do you… want to be my plus one?" the plus one to the imaginary restaurant, Oleg?
She shrugged. "Sure, why not? When is it?"
Damn, he didn't think this far. "Uh… siiix," he drawled out.
"Alright, cool. Meet you out front at five-thirty"
Oleg nodded furiously, then closed the door, releasing the largest exhale he ever had in his entire life, then smacking his head on the wall.
He had no reservations, he didn't even know about any restaurants on Illium…
Maybe there was hope, he could just do the same thing Boss always did… what was it called, 'winging it'? He was pretty sure that was what it was called. It always worked out for Boss, why not Oleg?
The only problem was he didn't know how to wing it.
He sighed deeply.
Vodka would be needed on this night…
"A'ight homies, here's the plan; get drunk, goal home, but most importantly, have a good time"
"The, uh, drunk part isn't exactly the best plan in the world," Aaron noted.
"Hey, the drunk part is a plan in of itself. And I don't want to hear any sass from the guy in the backseat," Boss said as the aircar took off.
Pierce was riding shotgun while Aaron laid in the back, looking at the two on his side. "Yeah, but I can't help but notice an integral flaw in the drunk part of the plan, that being I can't drink!"
"Which makes you," Pierce pointed out, "the designated driver when we're done!"
"I feel like I should be the designated driver now, considering Boss is behind the wheel"
"Hey man, really?" Boss asked, swerving to the side to avoid hitting another air car. "I ain't that bad. Now Aaron, me and Pierce have a tradition we need to honor as we do it every time we hang out. That being said, it's kinda just a 'me and Pierce' thing, so I need you to just lay there and take it"
Aaron quirked a brow. "Take what?"
"This… soon as I find something that works," Boss muttered as he started flipping through the music channels.
He continued to angrily grumble until he hit a station that satisfied him, a smooth voice coming from the speaker in the front of the car.
"And that, children, was the 'History of Jamaica', a song that teaches us that it's okay to learn about history and be chill at the same time. If you are just tuning in, this is Radio Saint Freedom, bringing the galaxy time-honored music legends. Next up is a little something by Bob Marley, a tribute to his generation who brought peace and love through his music. Here's 'Three Little Birds'"
"Wait a minute…" Aaron realized what was about to happen as the music started playing, but it was too late.
The lyrics flooded through, Boss and Pierce singing along, both out of tune while Aaron groaned and covered his face.
"Don't worry, about a thing~!"
"My god…" Aaron laughed, trying to stifle the chuckles with his hand.
"'Cause every little thing, gonna be all right~!"
"I gotta listen to this the entire ride to the bar?"
They ignored him as they kept singing the song, both laughing at each-others' bad performance while Aaron just laid there, smiling at their antics as they drove to the bar.
"CID," Oleg said, startling the android from what he was doing- exploring the extranet.
"Oh, you," CID regained his posture and went back to the monitor. "It's been so long since I've talked to anyone here, I almost thought you all forgot I existed"
Oleg nervously rubbed the back of his head. They were busy people, they didn't exactly have time to talk to every person in the Crib. Admittedly, they'd been kind of ignoring CID, but still. They had priorities.
"Right, well, stuff comes up all the time around here, you know how it is. Little free time these days"
"And yet enough free time to converse with me"
Oleg winced. "What is it you want from me, CID? I'm trying my best here"
CID turned around again, looking at Oleg. "Well that depends on what you want"
Oleg had to suppress a groan when he heard that. CID was known for never doing anything for free, which was part of the reason no-one ever asked for help. And why he was so alienated in the Crib.
Doing something out of the good of your heart once in awhile wasn't a bad thing to do, after all. CID's species though, whatever it was, never really did get the message on that one.
But, Oleg needed his help… tremendously, to be honest.
"I need reservations at six to any good restaurant, and I need them as soon as-"
"Here," CID interrupted, thrusting the monitor he was using into Oleg's hands, Oleg's eyes widening when he saw that there was a website pulled up.
One with restaurant tickets to some obscure place Oleg had never heard of. But that wasn't important right now.
"Do I even want to ask how you got this?" Oleg asked.
"No," CID answered, taking the monitor back. "You owe me a favor now, Oleg. Don't forget that. You never know when I'll call it in"
"At a time of great inconvenience, I'm sure…" Oleg grumbled, stomping away from the smirking android.
"Bro, let me tell you- you listin' homie?"
"I guess," Aaron sighed. The two idiots had become drunk long ago, so at this point, he was just tossing beer cans into the farthest trashcans as possible.
They arrived at the bar not fifteen minutes ago, and Boss and Pierce were already plastered. They didn't even last ten minutes before the status of drunk was placed on them.
He didn't even know what Boss was doing, he was probably trying to tell Aaron some story, Pierce as already gone. Spinning around in his stool like a moron.
And then there was the goddamn R&B music playing over the speakers in the bar. Aaron was fan of R&B, sure, that wasn't the problem. The problem was that they kept playing the same song over and over again, and frankly, it was getting really old really fast.
"It's like- I don't trust anyone but you to lead the Saints when I die, right my man but, like, I don't wanna die. I gotta choose man, do I put my brain in a robot when I'm all old and shit or do I just clone myself, 'cause dude, I… robots get rusty, man. And clones have already screwed up my life enough, so I dunno"
"The first one"
"Really, man? 'Cause look," Boss crushed the beer can in his hand, then threw it at the trashcan. It hit the wall next to the trashcan.
"Robo life is like the life of that can. Metal, like life, is fleeting or some shit. It makes that crinkly sound which at first is fun but then it gets kinda annoying. I don't want the robo life"
"Robots get jetpacks, you know"
Boss shot up in his seat. "I want the robo life. But, wait, ugh…" his head hit the counter, "metal rust. I'm all for the robo life, but I'm not one for the rusty life"
Aaron could have continued the conversation. Brought up the point that the body wouldn't rust if he maintained it. Brought up the point that if it did rust he could just get a new one. He didn't want to, though.
Don't get him wrong, he had fun. Most of it was in the car ride to the bar, but he had his fun, as much as a man who couldn't drink could have. But honestly, he just wanted to go home.
Bring a virtual man, you tend to lose certain 'touches' with things, kind of like if you wear a rubber mask for a long time and all you smell is rubber. Then the mask gets all sweaty and hot and all you want to do is rip it off.
Aaron was kind of like that, drinking was one of those 'smells', among other things, his own body that sweaty part.
Life was great.
"Boss, bro, I think we should go back," Aaron said, shaking the Emperor's shoulder. "You're hammered, Pierce is something, I don't friggin' know, can we just go?"
"Nooo…" Boss whined, turning to meet Aaron's covered eyes and weakly slapping him. "We haven't sung the karaoke yet, man…"
"Karaoke is illegal on this planet"
"The phug!" he slurred, standing immediately upright and stumbling around the barstool. "Which one a ya ignorant shits made that law!?"
Aaron slapped his own forehead, internally groaning. "You did, Boss"
Boss clenched a fist. "Oh I did, did I?" before Aaron could stop him, Boss punched himself in the face. A punch that was powerful enough to knock him out and send Boss sprawling to the floor. That or the alcohol, Aaron didn't know which.
And then another thud reached Aaron's ears, Pierce passing out from drinking as well.
Aaron sighed. "Goddammit…"
"Dude is this… is this gonna be a problem? 'Cause I'm legit concerned here"
Ouro sighed. "Dude, I… I don't know man, what the hell happened?"
"I was just making my coffee run, I got freaked out when I saw him standing there, what was I supposed to do!?" Robert screamed.
It was a simple ritual for Robert. Boss had supplied the engineering room on the Fleur De Lis with all the coffee he could ever need- this time in actual crates, not just bare mounds- so the coffee-loving engineer made trips there in his downtime to get a cup. Being in this gang was stressful, what with his superior's antics, the threat of the Council bearing down on them one of these days… reapers. The fact no-one knew when that was happening wasn't easing his mind.
So he was making his way to the engine room, humming a tune, when, upon opening the door to the room, he found some strange man stuffing his pockets with his coffee.
He did the natural thing and blew his head off, but then he realized the man was wearing a suit. Experience told him that was probably bad, so he called Ouro for help and they decided to drag the man's body to the lobby.
"So he was just stuffing his pockets? With the coffee?"
Robert nodded. "Yeah man, it was weird. He had this mad look in his eyes. But look at him!" he pointed to the body. "Look at that suit, though! Look how crisp it is, only important people wear crispy shit like that! What if he was like some, I dunno, human politician or something!?"
Ouro shook his head, pointing to the scarf on the body's shoulder. "What kind of politician wears a scarf?"
"I dunno, but green is so out of season" Ouro shot Robert a glare, who chuckled nervously. "It looks good on you, though!"
A cough went through the air, a synthesized, electronic cough, and both men looked over the body to see someone with a black ensemble with standing near them. Robert wanted to question the weird triangle-cat mask, but decided to go against it. He had enough problems right now.
"Hey, uh, excuse me," the figure spoke, "you know where the leader of the Saints is by any chance?"
"Boss?" Ouro asked, to which the figure nodded. "Gee, uh… I think he and Aaron and Pierce are hanging out somewhere, so… yeah, can't help you"
The figure's shoulders slumped, then perked up as their hand rifled through their pocket, holding a paper photo with Kinzie on it. "Seen her?" they asked.
Robert took a closer look at the photo, squinting. "Dude, I have to ask, where in this day and age did you find a actual paper photograph?"
"Not important," the figure said, shaking the picture. "Seen her or not? I'm on a schedule here, man"
"Hey wait, Robert, didn't Oleg say he was taking Kinzie to that, that…" Ouro snapped his fingers three times, then looked back at Robert. "What was it, Floating Lotus? The restaurant?"
"Yeah, it was-" Robert turned to tell the figure the name, but they were already gone.
Normally Robert would have asked why they wanted to know these things. Probably be defensive about it, not tell them anything. It was kind of what Boss paid him for, but again, he had a headless corpse to deal with and coffee to…
Robert groaned loudly, kicking the body. "I just realized I didn't take the coffee pouches out of his pockets, things are probably soaked in blood by now"
"Can't we just wash it out?" Ouro asked.
Robert shook his head. "No, we'll ruin the coffee. Maybe if I run it through some filters, try to dilute the… no, blood's hard as a motherfucker to get out, maybe if I… no. I gotta use my head… and think… doesn't Morinth have that onion recipe to get blood stains out of clothes?"
A red-hooded woman spied Binary leaving the Saints HQ, red omni-tool alit on her wrist. A screen was projected out of the front, Wurm looking at the hooded figure leaving the building.
"So, little Bi wants help from the Saints, huh?" he chuckled mirthlessly. "Go to the restaurant the two in the lobby mentioned. I'll send V and E to look for the Boss. Get it done"
The red woman nodded, turning the device off and ducking into the shadows, Binary vaguely noticing the red blur on the rooftop.
One of these days Aaron was just going to say 'fuck it' and not listen to anyone and just do what he wanted to. Because at this point he was starting to feel like Pierce, and there was no way in hell he was going to stand for that. None whatsoever.
He looked in the backseat of the aircar. Pierce was still unconscious, but Boss woke up about five minutes ago, and was now sporting a nauseous look while his cheeks turned a green color.
Aaron sighed wistfully. Back when he was fully human he had only gotten drunk once in his life, at that graduation party. He had to run five blocks naked once the cops had arrived to the house and he had a splitting headache afterwards… still worth it.
This wasn't the same, that graduation party was funtime, this time was spent dragging two drunk bums around.
'THUNK!'
Aaron whipped his head around upon hearing a thunking noise, surprised to see someone in a green hoodie standing on the hood of the aircar, face obscured by the hood. He guessed it was a she due to the shape, and she went through the effort of waving at Aaron.
Aaron waved back, saying "yo" and turning to the backseat. "Boss there's a crazy woman on the- shitnawfuck!"
Look at that, there was another woman- this one in a bluish-purplish hoodie- standing on the back of the air car. Holding a big gun.
One with a nuclear symbol on it.
Moving in a blur, Aaron grabbed Boss and Pierce by the legs and kicked the door out, jumping out of the aircar.
Pierce giggled in his sleep while Boss did some kind of drunken whine, Aaron yelling as he leaned left and right to dodge oncoming traffic, barely noticing the aircar they just jumped out of igniting in a ball of fire as his back hit the ground, the two gangsters cradled in his arms, who he promptly threw off.
"Aaron, dude… why we on the ground ground and not the car ground?" Boss asked, getting to his feet. His question was answered when the smoldering wreckage of the aircar landed a few feet from him.
Were it not for the situation they were in, Aaron would have laughed as Boss shakily, with the combined effort of alcohol and shock, stumbled to the aircar and dropped to his knees.
"My whip…" he croaked. "Man, the whip is gone…"
"You have zin ships that shoot lasers, Boss," Aaron reminded, "it'll be fine"
"I paid extra for the stereo in this thing!" Boss yelled, then looked at the sky, pointing wildly. "Who!? Who's the flatfoot who thought it would be a good idea to blow a brother's car up!?"
It wasn't fair, she was so moderately old, slightly used. A common pedestrian vehicle he didn't really care about. But they'd pay… oh, whoever had done this would pay. Boss was the only one who got to blow other people's cars up.
He felt a hand grasp his shoulder, Aaron hauling him to his feet. "Some hooded bitches are trying to kill us"
"How'd they find us though?"
"Gee, I don't know," Aaron pointed to the little specks of paint yet to burn off of the wreckage. "Maybe it's because you paint every single vehicle the Saints own purple and put our logo on the side?"
If there was a sarcastic tone there, Boss wasn't having it. "Hey man, respect is everything, and nothing gets more respect then painting everything your signature color"
"True, but-" three omni-claws shot from Aaron's chest, glowing blue. Undeterred, he swiveled his head to look at the assassin who had the CAIN that blew the car up.
"Huh," looking at the claws again, he then held the Lazer Razor out, activating the blade. "Déjà vu," he remarked, then whipped the blade in her direction, a hitched gasp coming from her throat. "Before you die, you knew that wasn't going to work, right?"
He didn't get his answer as the would-be assassin's top half slid from the bottom half, the claws exiting his chest as the top part hit the ground, bottom not far behind it, red innards spilling out onto the ground. "Damn, killed her too fast…"
He heard a gasp, and turned around to see the green-hooded one, stepping back in shock. "V-violet…" she said, voice sounding chocked, then flashing a green omni-knife, screaming while sprinting at Aaron.
"Common sense really is becoming extinct…" Aaron thought sadly, lazily dodging to the left when the knife was thrust at him, then gripped the back of her head and threw her at Boss, who caught her and began to savagely punch her in the face.
Aaron shook his head at the sight, these really were the worst hitwomen in the world. He'd seen some idiots try some stupid stuff, but damn. He almost expected the one he cut in half to regrow into one piece and try to kill him again.
Nope, she was dead. Blood pool growing ever larger. Damn.
"Heugh, ahgh… take that!" Boss grunted out, landing one last punch on the green girl's hooded face, a wet sound resounding from the hit and blood spraying onto Boss's hand as the body went limp. "Jack up my ride… bitch… hheeuuugg!"
Then he vomited right on the body due to the drinking binge, Aaron cringing.
"Oh man, Boss, really? That's just disrespectful"
"She was a collaborator in the destruction of my car, I don't care," Boss said, then looked at his wrist pinged. "Hold up, someone's texting me"
A message popped up on his omni-tool, a message that simply read, 'No time to explain, one responsible for this about to attack Kinzie and her friend at Floating Lotus restaurant. Go now'
"Who's it from?" Aaron asked.
"Says it's from 'that hacker you know'. Vague as hell, and kind of bossy just to tell me to go to some restaurant… hey, Oleg did get that date after all! Good for him!" a smile flashed on Boss's face, then quickly disappeared. "Crap, whoever did this is after them too, we gotta go"
"For the, fine, let's go!" Aaron said, crouching down. "Get on," he ordered.
"… What?" Boss asked, stepping back.
"I got super speed and can glide, we can get there faster if I carry you," Aaron explained. "Get on"
Boss was a man known to make it a life goal to never, ever ride another man. A resolve that was made doubly so when he saw Zimos in that compromising position. But, the situation demanded it to be so.
"I swear if someone snaps a picture of this and posts it…" Boss grumbled as he got on Aaron's back, then jovially pointed forwards. "Onwards, my homie!"
"Say that again and I'll drop you" Aaron warned.
"See, it's these things that disrupt the homieship between us. I thought this outing would help that"
"Argh, let's just go already!" Aaron grumbled, jumping off of the ground and gliding through the sky.
The Floating Lotus was credited to be a five-star restaurant that was famous throughout Illium, with it's romantic settings while tranquil music played in the background. Some say it's where they met their true loves, others to break up with those loves. Or just to date. It was romantic, after all.
Although tonight it was hard to enjoy the romantic setting when all that was heard was the rattling of a large Russian who was sitting in front of a girl who was chatting away like there was no tomorrow.
That man was Oleg; the biggest and most nervous man in the world right now, if his shaking glass of water had anything to say about it. Kinzie was busy talking about her day, but Oleg was too busy not trying to lose his cool while trying to find out how the glass was full despite having drank all the water already.
His eyes almost popped out of his head when he saw the obscene amount of sweat running down his hand and into the glass, and quickly hid it under the table.
"So anyway when I went on there and the guy said- Oleg, why is your water glass under the table?"
"Huh?" he raised the glass in question, Kinzie pointing at it.
"Yeah, that one! You need to drink your fluids, you know, especially since your so big. Dehydration's on the rise, you know"
Oleg gulped. He really didn't want to drink his sweat, he already has a list of humiliating things he had drank in his life, he didn't want to add to it.
"Kinzie, I'm not thirsty, though, it's fi-"
"Drink it. Now," she ordered, and Oleg shuddered when she did that thing she does when she tilts her head slightly downward so her eyes were shadowed.
He nodded. Sullenly. "O-of course," he muttered, then raised the glass.
As it got closer, he wondered if this was all really worth it. He'd already gone through so much today to get here, buying the flowers, losing the flowers, owing CID a favor. There was a limit to things, like when someone tries to cook meat and it takes fifteen hours. To him, that was too long to cook something, what was the point in cooking so long when you died of starvation before it was even done?
Ugh, he could already smell the sweat in the glass, it was a mixture of salt and shame. Shame that he would actually go this far.
No, he wouldn't do it, she was an amazing girl but this was too much, he wouldn't demean himself any further. He was going to eat his own words because the lip of the glass already was pressed against his own lips and he was already drinking the sweat.
"Dammit, I'm pathetic…" he thought, half of the salty beverage already down his throat.
Fate, though, was kind when his omni-tool pinged and allowed Oleg the perfect excuse to throw the glass away before he was finished with drinking it and promptly answered it.
"Yes, hello!" he boomed, causing Kinzie to cover her ears. "Is there something you need!?"
"Jesus, Oleg!" a voice shouted from the omni-tool, "speak up louder, I couldn't hear you from where I am!"
"Boss?" Oleg questioned. "What is it? I'm doing something very important here"
"You're on a booty quest, I know, but this is serious" Oleg almost sputtered at the implication. "So, these two girls just tried to kill us, like, a minute ago. And someone called us and told us someone might try and kill you, so… I dunno, get ready for that. I'm getting to you as fast as I can via Air Aaron but it's taking awhile"
"Hey Oleg, what's that?" Kinzie asked, pointing to Oleg's forehead. Humming, he palmed his forehead and held his hand out in front of his face, a red glowing circle darting around it, then went back to his forehead.
"Move!" he shouted, a projectile whizzing by him as he dived over the table, grabbing Kinzie and ducking behind the salad bar, the other patrons to the bar screaming while frantically running away as more rounds hit the salad bar.
"Oleg? Oleg you there- wait, hold up, I'm getting another call"
"Boss, don't hang up-!" Oleg's voice was cut off as Boss switched to the other caller, greeting them with the usual "yo".
"Hey, Boss…" the voice of Pierce announced, the tone sounding confused. "So, the last thing I remembered is passing out at the bar… and now the, uh, car's on fire. And there's two dead chicks here. One's cut in half, too, so… yeah, the hell happened?"
Boss winced, sucking air through his teeth and tapped Aaron's shoulder. "Dude, we forgot Pierce"
"You forgot me!?" Pierce screamed.
"Yeah…" Boss chuckled. "We were kind of in a rush, and you were passed out. And we're almost to where we're going, so chill, I guess"
"Chill!? I'm in the middle of the goddamn street and you're telling me to chill!? And don't even know where the hell I am, how the hell am I even supposed to-"
"Pierce we're going through a tunnel, gonna have to talk to you later"
"Omni-tools don't even work like-" Boss turned the call off, sighing in relief as he sat back.
He had to say, the skies of Illium looked so different from this perspective, the perspective of sitting on Aaron's back while he glided to the restaurant. It gave clarity.
Views like these, with the plethora of city light and aircars, the seas of people of various species milling about their days… it made one slow down to think.
"Man, this entire bro trip didn't work out so well in the end, huh?" Boss wondered, looking down at Aaron,
"Well, it's not exactly the best circumstances. But hey, you tried! That's gotta count for something"
"Well, I'm not bored anymore, so that's a plus," he remarked, then breathed in a deep breath. "Hey, this reminds me a lot of the simulation," Boss said, interlacing his hands behind his head. "I used to just glide around the city just like this and just take the sights in, you know? Damn I miss that feeling"
Aaron turned his head, an odd look on his mouth. "Um, you know that was just a simulation, right? And that you have a power suit that can let you glide for real through a real city, right?" suddenly his face turned into a accusatory look. "Now that I think about it, why are you riding me instead of just gliding there yourself?"
"'Cause the suit's being dry-cleaned" Boss answered.
"Again?"
"Bro, do you know how much dust a power suit accumulates when your gliding in the air? Shit ain't good for the electronics"
"I guess," Aaron sighed, focusing back to his gliding. He was only asking because he didn't like being used for a living transportation. Or whatever his state of being could be classified. Honestly, he didn't know why the simulation limited one to just gliding, because he wanted actual flight, not this falling with style crap. Even running got boring after awhile, and eventually he had to hit the ground and jump back up again. He could already teleport, was flight so much to ask for.
At least he could already hear the gunfire, seeing the restaurant a short distance from them. Seemed like Kinzie and Oleg were hiding behind a salad bar with a sniper in a red hoodie firing at them.
"I see them, they're behind the salad bar!" Aaron pointed, Boss nodding when he saw them.
"I see 'em. You know, Oleg should consider eating some of that salad. He's been gaining more weight lately, and the Crib can only hold so much weight"
"Really?"
"Well I'm just sayin'. Anyways, onwards my homie steed!"
Well he just done and crossed the line, didn't he? Well, Aaron did warn him. "Ah no," Aaron suddenly said, his body starting to wobble. "Sudden turbulence!"
"Wha- hey man," Boss said, holding onto Aaron's sides as his body started to shake. "This ain't funny man, cut it out!"
"Dude, there are strong winds up here, I can't!"
"I ain't playin' Aaron, stop shaking right now!" Boss yelled. The shaking got so intense that Boss slipped, with one hand frantically gripping onto Aaron's shirt while the rest of his body dangled.
"Cut the shit man- hey! Hey man hey, no! No Aaron- I'm serious here, you better-!" Boss grunted when Aaron shoved his hand in Boss's face, causing him to lose his grip and scream as he fell t the ground.
"I warned you!" Aaron yelled down at Boss. He did warn him. He'd only accept so much demeaning comments before he snapped.
After all, it's not like Boss hadn't fallen from great heights before. Sure, he usually had a parachute or something, but… it was Boss.
Thinking this, Aaron looked down, noticing how high they actually were off the ground. He probably should… no, Boss did this to himself. He could solve his own problems.
Then again… Boss had human limitations (at least Aaron was pretty sure about that), and because of that this fall would probably kill him. Maybe. Then he could never look at the Saints again.
"Godammit," he sighed, then twisted his body so he was falling towards Boss.
Confusion wasn't really a word Boss liked to use often. Nor was substitutes for the word, such as confounded or flabbergasted, a word he refused to ever say, but that was nonwithstanding. He was used to knowing what was happening all the time, so usually he didn't use that word.
But he hit the ground after Aaron threw him off, and instead of landing flat on his face and then getting up three seconds later like always, he landed on something… he didn't want to say the word 'soft'. Was it squishy, yes, but not soft. It was soft, yet not soft. And there were rock-hard points all along what he landed on, objects that felt suspiciously like.
He looked down, seeing a woman's body under him. Ah, those were bones. She broke his fall, that made sense.
Then he saw the sniper rifle, a Mantis model, next to her body and realized she was the one shooting at Oleg and Kinzie, and promptly snatched the rifle up.
"Ugh…" she groaned, shaking her hooded head. "What landed on-"
The soft but not silent 'crack' of the rifle sounded, blood spraying out of her hood as her head fell back on the ground, dead, the thermal clip ejecting from the rifle as Boss tossed it away, standing up and stretching his back.
Ooh, he probably pulled a muscle with that landing. And he had this awful crick in his neck, too. Great, now he had to deal with that.
"Shitshitshitshitshitshitshit!" Boss looked up to see Aaron slam his feet into the ground and ran to Boss, stopping when he saw the body lying at Boss's feet.
"Nice move, Aaron," Boss congratulated, "dropping me just right so I landed on her, sweet save man. Couldn't have done it better myself"
Aaron nodded his head. "Yeah, that's why I did it. Good job, Boss"
"Fuck you, that was dumb luck"
Aaron sputtered, rubbing his head while Boss crossed his arms, tapping his foot. "In my defense- man, are we really doing this?" Aaron asked. "Are we really doing that thing where I did something bad that resulted in something good and sheepishly take credit but my tone implies I didn't really?"
Boss shook his head. "No, that's not it at all, because you legitimately claimed credit and therefore look like a dick. So yeah, fuck you for intentionally dropping me when our friends are in a life-or-death situation!"
"You probably would have survived, though!" Aaron protested.
"I would have survived. But you just proved you didn't know that"
While the two bickered, a figure in a black hoodie with a blue mask ran up to them, stopping when they saw the red body under them. Meanwhile the two Saints repeatedly argued back and forth, completely ignoring the fact someone dead was under them.
Well, Binary had heard that the Saints weren't that averse to death, they had been equally callous towards corpses. But the fact of the matter was that it was a little strange for them to be arguing after doing something like that. They didn't even know what they were arguing about, words like "hypocrite" and "carelessness" the only words they could make out.
After a minute of this, the sound of a synthesized voice clearing it's throat shook the two from their debate, both heads snapping to where the sound came from.
"Hey, we're in the middle of something here!" Boss shouted, gesturing to Aaron, who stepped closer to the figure.
"You're the guy who called us here, right?" Aaron asked, Boss looking back and forth between the body on the ground and Binary.
Pointing at the body, Boss asked, "so… what up with this?"
"One of the three, uh… we'll call them hitwomen employed by someone I know," Binary said, gesturing to the body. "A red one, a blue one, and a green one"
"Well, uh… pfft, man, they're sub-par killers at best, pretty sure we killed the other two, like, ten minutes ago," Aaron explained, kicking the body. "So the problem is…? What, exactly?"
"Yeah, look… I know this is going to be fast, we don't have a lot of time here, so… introductions!" they held their hand out. "I'm Binary, hacker who has-"
"Yo! This is the dude!" Boss laughed, wrapping his arm around Binary's shoulder, who immediately froze up. "This is the guy that did all that hacker stuff for us, Aaron say hello!"
"'Sup," Aaron waved.
Binary tore their body away from Boss's arm, holding their hands up. "Don't do that. And yeah, I'm the guy who did all that hacker stuff for you. You're welcome, by the way"
"So…" Aaron motioned with his hands, "when you say you're a 'guy', does that imply you're of the male persuasion or…?"
"I'm a dude, dude"
"A'ight, making sure"
"Anyway, we should go. Now. Like, right now"
"I mean, we would," Boss pointed to Oleg and Kinzie, who were still taking cover behind the salad bar. "But, our homies are over there. So-"
"Well then get them! We need to go before he gets here!"
Both Saints natural reaction was to ask who 'he' was. It was a natural response after someone says a phrase like that, after all. But that question was answered when a gunshot resounded through the air, a voice that was synthesized like Binary's, albeit deeper, shouting "brother!"
Binary whipped around, Boss and Aaron lazily turning their heads to see another black-hooded figure in a red mask marching towards them, gun raised in the air, the arm holding the gun lowering so it was aimed at Binary.
"You even move to that omni-tool and I put one in your head!" they screamed, stopping at the steps leading up to the trio.
"… hey bro," Binary said slowly, raising his arms. "Arms are up, not going for it"
"What are you doing?" Boss questioned. Binary swiveled his head and realized the two didn't have their hands raised, which shocked him.
"Aaron, I know you have super powers, but I don't and neither does your Boss, so unless you want me or him to be shot-"
"It's one guy with a gun, just take him out," Boss said.
"He's got a gun on me"
Boss tilted his head in confusion, and asked, "so what's the problem? Get him"
"If I do he'll shoot me, what part of that is not clear to you?"
"Never stopped me before," he shrugged, then looked at the red-masked man, and breathed out a sigh.
"Okay, enough of this shit, you," Boss walked towards him, the gun being trained on him. "What's your name?"
The gunman's only response was "Wurm", to which Boss groaned at.
"I'ma guess you're a hacker, too?" the leader asked, to which Wurm nodded. "Alright, cool. Goddamn, Binary, Wurm, why the hell does every single hacker need some weird computer thing as a codename? Okay, so you two are brothers, right?"
"Right…" Wurm confirmed, then pointed the gun back at Binary. "I lost contact with my girls, I see one right there. You killed them all, didn't you?"
"Actually that was me and Aaron," Boss corrected, which earned him the right of having the gun traced back to him.
"Figures, brother, that you would finally go to them for protection. Got tired of running or-"
"My god man, just stop," Boss breathed. "Just, just fuck it, you had your chance to talk, Binary why the hell is a crazy man pointing a gun at my face?"
"We used to be partners, mostly in digital grand larceny and so forth," Binary explained, "we used a program we wrote together to do it all, to be honest we were pretty well-known in the criminal underworld"
"Until you stole the program and ran off," Wurm muttered, a harshness to his tone.
"You were stealing Alliance information to sell to info brokers, I wasn't going to stick around while you painted a giant target on our back!"
"Alright, I've heard enough," Boss interrupted, then pointed a finger at both of them. "So, baller hackers," both fingers then pointed at Wurm. "Bit off more than he could chew," the fingers went to Binary. "Pussed out at the last second. Now usually I would just kill both of you and be done with it, but Bi… ugh, horrible nickname, Bina over there- no, that doesn't work either. Argh, I'll think of something later, but that guy helped us Saints out on more than a few occasions, while Wurm, I've known you for about two minutes and in that time all you've done is point a gun at me, so… Oleg, right swing"
Wurm turned his head just in time to see a large, Russian man angrily looking down at him, and only had enough time to lift his pistol halfway before he felt a massive burst of force on his side as the Russian punched him, his body flying into a wall, making a large dent which his body fell out from.
About the only reason Boss was talking to the two hackers was to stall Wurm long enough so Oleg could sneak up behind him and pound him into oblivion. It would have been a shorter ordeal if Oleg had caught on sooner, but whatever worked.
There was a pause, everyone staring at the unmoving form until Boss asked, "he's dead, right?"
Aaron formed a gun and shot the body a few times, confirming he was dead by saying, "yeah, he's super dead"
"Cool" Boss turned to Binary. "So, B-bro- dammit I still can't do it, wanna work with us?"
"No way!" Kinzie yelled, stomping up to Boss while pointing a finger at Binary. "There's already two super hackers in the Saints, we don't need a third wheel dragging me down! I already have Matt doing that!"
"Kinzie I think a second playmate may be better for your mental health, because apparently Oleg can't do that," Oleg sputtered at that, Boss shrugging. "Plus I really feel like number three will really round out the hacker squad, y'know?"
"Fine," Kinzid grumbled, stomping back over to Oleg.
"Everything all right?" he asked, watching Kinzie seethe internally as Boss and Binary talked.
"Look at him, with that dumb triangle cat mask. I'm just, ugh, I don't know. I'm being a total bitch, aren't I?"
"I wouldn't say-"
"I totally am, darn. Um, Oleg this was… nice, this dinner thing you tried to do. Kinda sucks that the place was shot up"
"I know," he sighed, rubbing the back of his large head. If she was disappointed, he was devastated. It was his one chance, his ONE CHANCE! When was stuff like this supposed to happen a second time, the first date was as good as a fist impression, once that was screwed up there was no chance for salvation, he was done, over with.
Then Kinzie stood up on her toes and pecked Oleg on the cheek, whispering, "meet me in the car, kay?" and skipped off, Oleg stunned as he continued to hold a touch on his cheek, his mind going blank.
He didn't… did she… she just… well. Mission success.
He would have celebrated if a small, empty purple rubber tube hadn't impacted his face, his eyes darting to Aaron who was giving him a cheeky grin, a plastic looking gun in hand that was firing condoms at him.
"Good job big guy!" he laughed, continuing to fire more condoms at Oleg. Then a chair sailed through the air, hitting Aaron in the face and flooring him as Oleg stormed off in a huff.
"So, you gonna work with us?" Boss asked, ignoring the spectacle behind him.
"I guess," the hacker shrugged. "I had to destroy my last hideout and I'm out of work, so… yeah, sure. Why not?"
"Welcome to the team, you know where the place is. Seeya later"
"Kay, bye" Binary waved as he walked off. Nodding, Boss glanced at Aaron who groaned as he stood up, shaking his head.
"Damn," he groaned, "Oleg throws hard…"
"Yeah, well, I saw what you were doing. Kind of rude. Anyway," both began walking away from the restaurant, towards the gleaning purple tower in the distance they called home. "We got a new hacker who's real name I should probably ask for sometime this week, so that's cool I guess"
"And we cured your boredom!" Aaron cheered.
"Heh," Boss locked his fingers behind his head. "Guess so"
In reality, he was thrilled. He got to go to a night on the town, got in between a grudge match, Saw two of his homies hook up maybe possibly probably, and to top it all off, a new homie. Who could be bored with results like that?
And due to Saints Luck there's no way another day would come anytime soon where nothing was going to happen all day, so he was good to go tomorrow for more adventure.
Ahh… life was good for Boss.
"You know…" Aaron suddenly said, causing Boss to slow in his walking as he looked at Aaron. "I feel like we're forgetting something here"
Boss stopped, considering what he said. To be honest, he had that feeling, too. Nagging in the back of his mind. "Eh," he shrugged, and continued to walk. "I get that feeling all the time, it's usually nothing"
"Yeah, you're prolly right" Aaron agreed, the two continuing their return to the crib.
Signs, signs, all Pierce saw around him were signs. He didn't know where he was. He didn't want to know. The only thing he saw in this part of were neon signs of naked girls and lewd expressions.
This was a bad part of town, where vile things took place. He was scared. And he wanted his mama.
He wanted his Saints Flow.
"Yoo-hoo~" a seductive male voice called, Pierce whipping around to see a dark alleyway, two amber eyes peering out from the shadows under a large neon 'X' sign.
Sweat poured down a frightened Pierce's face as a pale human had came from the shadows, gesturing him to come forward. He shook his head, especially when he saw the sharpened fingernails.
"What's wrong?" the voice asked. "Don't want to play?"
"Nuh-uh!" Pierce backed away, fear written on his face. "I don't want to! I wanna go home! I want an adult!"
"I am an adult," the voice purred, then a metal chain- which, for whatever reason, was painted pink- shot from the shadows, wrapping around Pierce's neck and pulling his screaming for into the darkness.
A/N- …Yeah, may have went a bit far there. Ah well, too late.
Okay, I have to be straight here, what happened was I was going strong for the first half of the chapter, then I realized with all the different plot points I was pulling together wouldn't work together, so I had to force it. You'll notice because in my opinion the quality of the chapter just friggin' disintegrates halfway through, I tried to save it by adding arbitrary references everywhere but if just didn't work. And it's also why it's so abnormally long and took forever to come out because this thing just refused to compose… ugh. I think I saved it in the end there, though. Not the very end, the thing before that.
Anyway, I'm tired, this thing took it out of me, I'm gone. Cya.