A/N: I hate Microsoft Word. Ahem.
Dr. Thinker: If this is making you want to rent the Disney movie, then go rent it now! Methinks I shall go find the 'Myth-o-Mania' series...
Miyo: Hey babes! And there's no way I could make a 'Hercules' spin-off better than the original. Though if more people now adore Hades, I may reconsider.
Sarah Black: Cat chess details are somewhere on Wikipedia. True, no-one wants to see their 'rents kissing, but it's Seph and Hades, so it's excusable. Maybe my memory's going, but didn't you once say you would love to be Persephone for a day if it meant you got to smooch Hades?
Silverrain: See? Next chapter all done! (Albeit with constant curses directed at MS Word and all its evil kin.) If the masses love it, tell them to leave an ego-boost - sorry, review. And a very happy late birthday to you! I'd get Hades to sing, but since I can't get my bank manager to spontaneously combust, I'll just say I can't perform miracles.
VMorticia: Dear God. Draco and a perverted Dark Lord?
Lirenel: Yay, fellow history/mythology buff!
AimzNemesis, Sadistic Scorpion: Rhea's slightly based on my mom. At least in the respect of making comfort food for me. The castration of Uranus...I'll cover it at the end of the torture session. It's revolting. Enjoy.
Worldtraveler: Calm down...Zeus and Po-po are getting tortured now. Calm down... Cerberus does need a bigger rock, bless his three drooling heads.
Cilicia: Still not used to mountains of praise, but thank you!
Exploding Snap: Cronus castrated his dad. It's a big part of mythology! I finally got all the details from 'The Complete Idiot's Guide To Greek Mythology.' (I kid you not.) I don't have a drawing of Bremos, but I do have one of Hades and Seph that I'm trying to scan in. If you love him that much, I'd love to see some fanart of him!
No need to know: Visitations from Hades are completely normal (if annoying) in my opinion.
Doinkchan: Rhea is pissed off in the extreme with Zeus and Po-po. Just sit back and enjoy the carnage. Actually I already had a death muse before Hades turned up. Then again, Duo Maxwell and Hades couldn't get along if their appetites depended on it. Creative differences, apparently.
Firebird234: Hercules will get to meet Rhea, but putting him in the same room as Hades isn't going to be beneficial to anyone's sanity.
Jurious: Once you get to uni, you get to embarrass your parents. Trust me, it's therapeutic and fun!
YunCyn: I know no comment from Hades is innocent. I live with him and his disgusting food preferences for pity's sake. Yay for carnage! And Bremos definitely won't have it easy meeting his beloved's parents.
Hades: You. Whinging. Psychological torture 101.
Melora: Not this again. I already told you not to listen if you were gonna have one of your spasms.
Hades: And miss the chance to annoy you?
Melora: Didn't think you would.
Hades: It was a rhetorical question.
Disclaimer: Seph, Bremos, Hyllus, Agony, Torment, Asclepius, Proteus, Telemachus, Nike, Voluptas, Rhea, the two lions, and the bump property of me. Hades and anything else remotely cool property of Disney. Cat Chess property of His Holiness Terry Pratchett.
/.../ denotes thoughts
I Won't Say It: Part 37
As the goddess of fertility and childbirth, Rhea was used to dealing with pregnancy, and any requests for help with said condition. Deity, human, demi-god, daemon, nymph; she easily sympathised with any expectant woman.
Especially if the women were married to any of her boys.
Or, in Zeus's case, if they happened to be breathing.
Trying to straighten out her daughter-in-law's bedroom, the Great Mother winced as she heard Persephone retch, stopping occasionally for air and to threaten her husband with bodily mutilation should he ever come near her again.
Due to the frankly remarkable lack of one-liners, she guessed that the Lord of the Dead was keeping it zipped.
The sound of flames reached Rhea's ears. 'Is she any better?'
Hades slumped into a chair and tried not to look revolted. 'If you take better to mean 'offered to remove something of great sentimental value to me, hack it into pieces and throw the mangled remains into the Phlegethon', then yep, she's doing just dandy.'
She sighed and tried not to smile at the choice of wording. 'Believe me sweetheart, I've heard worse.'
'And probably told Dad to do all of them.'
'When you and Po-po were born, most definitely.'
Hades just ignored his mother's comment. Several years inside Cronus with only a rock and the Lord of the Waters for company didn't do wonders for your sense of humour.
'Where's the brat?'
'He left after telling me in no uncertain terms that, and I quote, 'seeing you two eat each other's faces was having a severe effect on his upchuck reflex,' unquote.'
Staggering out from her bathroom, Persephone couldn't resist adding a comment of her own. 'He's not the only one having digestive distress. Admittedly his is more hormone-induced than expectant momma-induced.'
Rhea smiled. 'On that note, I think it's time for me to have a chat with Seph. Alone.'
The response from her flame-headed offspring was fairly predictable. 'Awwwww mom...do I have to?'
'Yes. Now go find your son and...I don't know, annoy your older brothers for a while...'
The only sign that the Lord of the Dead had once been in the room was a few tendrils of smoke.
Zeus and Po-po-torture with his mother's consent.
Sweet.
The goddesses of victory and pleasure, the shape-shifting son of Poseidon, and the god of healing peered into Zeus's throne-room and simultaneously smirked. An opportunity to see Zeus being humiliated wasn't something to be passed up, no matter how much the king of the gods sulked about it.
Adolescent embarrassment around potential crushes had been shelved for the time being as the younger deities of Olympus skulked outside the throne-room. Bremos and Hyllus were keeping a lookout for Rhea while the girls, Asclepius and Proteus kept watch over Zeus, occasionally taking time out to snigger.
'Why do you get the feeling our illustrious ruler isn't taking the prospect of this visit too well?' Nike leant against a cloud pillar next to Bremos, neatly folding her wings behind her back.
Voluptas settled next to Hyllus, who was trying desperately not to grin like an idiot. 'Dunno. Maybe the cowering under his throne gave it away.'
Asclepius raised an eyebrow. 'Personally? I thought when he started sucking his thumb there was something wrong.'
'What about the gibbering?' Proteus wasn't about to let any of the thunder god's quirks go unridiculed.
The god of the undead shook his head. 'Excellent use of intuition, but it has to be Zeus getting so freaked that the three muscled fan boys ask him what's up.'
Nike took a brief time-out to glare at her possible partner in eros. 'One, they are not fan boys, they are cup-bearers. Two, they have names. Zelos, Cratos, and Bia. Try using them.'
'There's something else you're conveniently not telling me, isn't there?'
'Yep. And you'll find out what soon enough.'
'You're different from the others, Persephone. I knew that when Hades told me about you.'
The goddess of fertility sat down next to her more than slightly green daughter-in-law, presently sprawled out over her bed, and squeezed her hand.
'Knowing Hades, he'll have left out the less charming details.'
Rhea tried not to smile. 'Numerous black eyes, broken bones, scars, bruises, cuts...and that was just your wedding. After it...you certainly put up a fight.'
The goddess of rebirth summoned up enough energy for an embarrassed smile. 'It wasn't exactly my dream wedding. Hades wasn't exactly my dream husband.'
'And now...?'
Persephone sighed. What it would have been like not being married to Hades...
After her abduction, before she had realised her love for the Lord of the Dead, she had thought about it constantly.
After they were separated for the first time, before Bremos had been conceived, she had occasionally thought about it.
Sarcastic, cheerfully morbid, obnoxious, charismatic...that was the Hades most people knew. The Hades she had thought she had married.
Sarcastic, cheerfully morbid, obnoxious, charismatic, devoted, loyal, supportive, loving...that was the Hades only she knew. The Hades she had really married.
She sighed again and looked up at Rhea.
'Anyone who rejected Hades in the past didn't know what they were rejecting.'
'Then...you do love him.'
'Sick-making as it sounds...with my heart and soul.'
The Great Mother gave up holding back a smile. 'A marriage of love, and going through your second pregnancy as a result. You're a fortunate woman.'
'It'd be slightly more fortunate if I wasn't puking my guts up every five minutes.'
Rhea chose not to reply. Carrying her three boys hadn't been easy. The births, even less so. Persephone, according to Hades, hadn't exactly had the world's most straightforward pregnancy with Bremos, and this one looked like it would be the same.
The life-force inside Seph's body was even stronger than before, abnormally so. Either her offspring possessed unimaginable power, or...
Something clicked as she tried to sense the inert powers.
An echo of the past...
Past would be repeated somehow...
But this repetition...
Resting a hand over the goddess's slightly rounded stomach, Rhea closed her eyes and concentrated, whispering a few well-chosen words. Her own golden aura surrounded the two deities as she spoke.
Persephone knew better than to interrupt. She guessed immediately that the Titaness was trying to help her.
What exactly she was helping with became apparent as soon as the glow faded.
Along with the constant nausea.
'Feeling better?'
She blinked in shock. 'What...how...w-why?'
Rhea delicately straightened out her kitan as she helped her daughter-in-law to sit up. 'Well...I managed to end your morning sickness using my powers.'
Persephone stood up. She felt better than she had done for almost three months. 'That's the first two. But...why?'
'Do I need a reason to help one of my family?'
'No, but...indulge me.'
The Great Mother was silent for a few minutes as she studied Persephone. She really was different from the other goddesses on Olympus. Living apart from someone she loved for half the year, being a single mother for that same half, raising Hades's child and still fulfilling her duties as the goddess of rebirth and the Queen of the Dead...
'If you managed to capture Hades's attention, then you're a unique woman.'
She paused for a moment.
'And while I respect Hera and Amphitrite...you are the only goddess I've ever met whom I can see a lot of myself in. And I can't help but care about you because of it.'
She smiled resignedly. 'If any of that makes sense to you, then I'll be impressed.'
Persephone was silent.
She knew exactly what Rhea was trying to tell her.
'...Thank you.'
'Any time.'
One head was confusing enough in this kind of situation.
Three heads made it utterly perplexing.
Three heads and a tail...even Pythagoras would have problems.
What made it even more complicated was that there seemed to be more than just two kitties, even though Cerberus was almost sure that there was just the tough-looking kitty and the smaller, prettier kitty.
And the worse thing of all?
Panthera and Leo knew exactly what they were doing.
Leo had settled himself on the foot of the palace stairs, within sight of the giant black dog and his mate. Panthera was curled up at the dock, keeping her mate in view and occasionally glancing at Cerberus when one of his heads looked round.
Two of the heads turned to sniff at something on the ground.
The lions made their moves.
Where had the kitties gone to?
Cerberus was certain as he could be that the girl kitty had moved to sit on top of a pile of rocks and the big tough kitty was now standing at the dock.
But that wasn't right!
He hadn't heard them move!
He hadn't seen them move either!
How could two kitties move without him knowing?
Maybe...maybe they had what Hades often said Cerberus didn't have...
Maybe...maybe they had brains!!
What was a brain?
It could be a new kind of toy...
/Not Mother not Mother not Mother not Mother.../
Zeus's mental processes had been stuck on auto-loop for the past hour. As soon as his brain had registered this nasty little piece of news, another thought screamed into his brain.
Rhea was first talking to his baby brother.
And if he knew Hades, he would be telling his mother every single piece of incriminating information possible on both his older brothers.
Poseidon was taking the news just a tad better than he was. He did have a few less...indiscretions...to be guilty of, anyway.
Fair enough, his piscine younger brother was curled up under his Olympian throne gibbering in terror, but at least he wasn't sucking his thumb.
Psychological torture, Hades-style.
This was turning out to be a very good day.
The Lord of the Dead neatly appeared in the middle of the throne-room and cracked his knuckles. The two quivering lumps behind the thrones peered round in terror, Poseidon only relaxing slightly once he saw his younger brother.
Zeus's anger temporarily took over. Emerging from behind his throne with some semblance of dignity, he glared thunderbolts at one of the banes of his immortality.
'And you have the nerve to show your face here after what you've done?'
His little brother just smirked. 'I land you in the biggest pile of doo-doo this side of Crete and I don't stick around to see the explosion and aftermath? You know what that could do to my rep?'
'Explosion and aftermath?' The thunder god's new-found anger died away almost instantly.
'Rhea', 'explosion', and 'aftermath'.
Three words that should never be put together under ANY circumstances.
Hades's classic serpentine grin appeared. 'Hmmm...yeah. Y'know, it's really kinda hard not to gloat here, so I'm just gonna, y'know, go with it...Zeus's getting screamed at, I'm mommy's good boy, nyah-nyah nyah-nyah nyah nyah...'
Brilliantly immature.
And Hades did 'brilliantly immature' very well.
Bremos' head was buried in his kneecaps.
'My dad is not doing the dance. Tell me my dad's not doing the dance...'
Hyllus forcefully repressed a snigger. 'Do you wish for me to tell you that your dad is not doing the 'someone else has landed in it and for once I'm totally innocent' dance?'
'If you're my best friend and my cousin, you will tell me he's not doing the dance.'
'Ummm...nope, he's doing the dance.'
No sound emerged from the god of the undead. Not even a whimper of teenage agony.
Nike quickly took over as she sat down next to him. 'Hey, you expect him to lie to you?'
'I hate Hyllus and my life officially sucks.'
That was a bit more like it.
She sighed and patted his shoulder. 'You'll live.'
'No I won't.'
Vague sympathy went out the window as the goddess glanced into the throne-room. 'If your life sucks, then why has your dad stopped doing the dance and your grandmother just appeared before Zeus with a look that could kill?'
Much as both of them wanted to hide under their thrones for eternity, Zeus and Poseidon both knew it would only delay the inevitable.
Admittedly Hades would never let them forget this, but a screamed lecture from Rhea could only last for so long.
'So.'
Rhea's eyes narrowed at her two eldest sons.
'What do you two have to say for yourselves, hmmm?'
Poseidon winced and clutched his trident protectively to his chest. He would rather try to have a civilised conversation with Charybdis than face his mother.
Zeus just braced himself.
'Momsie...'
'Mother...'
Their defence died instantly.
'Ten thousand years without speaking to your own mother!! I'm only the woman who risked her own existence to try to protect you two pathetic little ingrates!! I'm only the woman who saved you, Zeus, from being eaten at birth!! I'm only the woman who carried you, Poseidon, knowing Cronus would swallow you as soon as you were born!!'
For some inexplicable reason, seeing his older brothers getting screamed at only served to make him hungry. Working methodically at a bowl of popcorn, Hades sniggered as his siblings sank lower and lower in their seats.
Suckers.
The goddess of rebirth leaned against a pillar next to her husband, more than desperate to see Zeus suffer for every misdemeanour he had ever committed.
Somehow, she also had an inkling that his mistreatment of his little brother would crop up at some point. Hades' act of freeing the Titans somehow paled into insignificance compared to all that Zeus and Poseidon had done in their lives. Killings, punishments, the women...
Actually, Zeus's list of women could go on for quite some time.
'And the two of you have the nerve to call yourselves gods!? I'm frankly ashamed to call you my sons!! Your father would make a better god than you two!!'
Oooooh. Now that had to hurt.
Not that Bremos didn't agree with the sentiments. At least their kids and assorted grandchildren had made up for their fathers.
Sort of.
If you didn't count the time when they flushed a potassium bomb down the faculty toilets at Pro. Ac.
Or the time all of them turned in all of their homework in orange paint.
Or the time they planted goat dung in Mr. Parenthesis' coffee.
Or the combined 1,473 detentions.
/Memo to me: internal monologue needs upgraded ASAP./
'You thought I wouldn't find out about the women!? Or the smitings!? Or the wars!? Or the killings!? Don't you look at me like that Zeus; I know full well what you did to your own GRANDSON!!'
Zeus whimpered and crawled behind his throne. How in the name of Olympus did she know about that?
He was not having a good day.
TBC
A/N 2: I'm splitting the Zeus-torture into two parts, mostly because of time constraints, and I just want to prolong the agony.
Hades: I bow to prolonging the agony.
Melora: You're agreeing with me over this?
Hades: I like seeing Zeus getting it in the neck as much as the next person.
Melora: You just like anything which humiliates someone other than you.
Hades: Damn my utter transparency.