Chapter Thirty-seven – The Following Day, March, 1998

In the morning, they awoke, made love again, showered (separately), and ate breakfast in his sitting room, then spent an hour practicing Occlumency.

"Last time today, I promise," said Severus. "Then you can leave."

"I'm not in a hurry to leave," Narcissa assured him. "It just mixes up my mind, having you rifle through it like that."

"I want you to have the ability to block any intrusion. You should be prepared to block at a moment's no…"

Mid-word and without warning, he plunged into her head using Legilimency. She hadn't been ready, so he was able to see momentary flashes of random memories – bathing toddler Draco, shopping for her first wand, eating at Dovelings with Bellatrix and Andromeda, doing homework in the Slytherin common room, kissing her husband (Severus quickly moved past this one), scolding Dobby the house elf, being whipped by her mother as a young girl, giving baby Nova a bottle, painting her fingernails – before she managed to block him out.

"What was that one with the whip?" he asked. He'd seen that spell used before by only one person, her sister, Bellatrix, whom he'd assumed had invented it to use on enemies as he had Sectumsempra. She'd used it on him, as a matter of fact, the day they had sex on his couch. When Bella did it, though, the rope grabbed people by their necks and snapped them painfully down to the ground, whereas in the memory Bella and Narcissa's mother was using it the way one would a riding crop on a horse.

"Mother came up with that as a means to punish us. She called it 'the switch.' If we were bad, she'd use it to hit the back of our legs. Mostly just me. Andromeda was never bad and Bellatrix always fought back."

"I find it difficult to believe that you were ever bad," he said.

"I didn't mean to be, but I'd get… scared. It doesn't matter; let's not talk about it. Try again. I'll block you faster this time, I promise."

If she was willing to have him have another go at breaking into her mind, she must really not want him to know what she'd been whipped for. He obliged, and though the curiosity was nagging at him, he did not intentionally look for that memory. This time he saw only two – patching up a crying Draco's skinned knee and being felt up by a teenaged Lucius in the Astronomy Tower at Hogwarts – before she forced him out.

"You get better every time," he praised her.

It was eleven in the morning when he said they should leave. By this time most of the students would have gone, attending the day's Hogsmeade visit, and since First and Second years weren't permitted to roam the grounds without an instructor anymore, he felt they were relatively safe, assuming they could escape the castle unnoticed. Of course, if they did run into anyone, he would simply say he'd sent her a message by Patronus informing her of Draco's misconduct and that she'd hurried to the school out of concern.

When they reached Malfoy Manor, they said goodbye at the apparition point on the grounds, as he figured it would not be prudent to escort her inside. With a furtive glance to ensure they were not being watched, he kissed her and she melted against him, not wanting him to leave, but he said he had to.

She was wearing her dress and robe from the trip with Bella the day before instead of the cocktail dress and coat from last night and she'd fixed her hair in the same style, half-braided, but decided to forgo makeup.

She headed into the parlor to retrieve a book she'd been reading. She was picking it up from the couch when she heard the door slam behind her. She turned to find Lucius, red-faced and obviously livid.

"Where the fuck have you been?"

"I… I went out for breakfast. I didn't think you'd be back until later."

"You went out for breakfast when? Last night? I've been home since ten pm, at which time I searched the entire Manor for you. I checked our bedroom. I checked the room you said you'd be sleeping in. I checked all of the unoccupied rooms, your sister's room, the library, the parlor, the nursery, even the dungeon and the attic. You weren't here, Narcissa. You weren't here and you weren't out to breakfast. Where the fuck have you been?"

"I… I… I…" she stammered, completely at a loss. "I don't know."

He cocked an eyebrow. "You don't know? You don't know where you were?" He stalked over to her, his unkempt blond hair flying wildly behind him. He hadn't shaved again. He looked as though he hadn't slept either.

"Lucius…"

Before she could say another word, he grabbed her by the back of her hair and forced her down to a seated position on the couch.

"Where. The fuck. Have you been?"

"I don't know!"

He used the hand holding her hair to force her to look at him. "Were you alone?"

"I don't know."

"You're lying!" He raised his snake headed walking stick threateningly as she fought the urge to curl up into the fetal position she'd used defensively throughout her childhood.

"Don't hit me, Lucius."

"Where have you been?"

"Please, don't hit me."

"Damn it, Narcissa!" He pushed her away, releasing her hair, and slammed the cane down on the coffee table. When he brought it up again, she closed her eyes and threw up her left hand, which unintentionally cast out a force strong enough to propel him backward into the bookcase. From it fell several ancient volumes of Malfoy genealogy records, an antique vase, which shattered, and a couple of silver framed family photographs featuring young Draco at various stages with his parents and grandmothers.

"What did you do?" asked Lucius, scrambling up from the floor despite having had the wind knocked out of him. He looked frightened. "What was that?"

"I don't know; it just happened."

"You don't know?" This brought back his anger. "You don't know where you spent the night, you don't know whether you were alone, you don't know what hex you just used on me, you don't know much, do you?"

"I…" She stood, squaring off against him, trying to look tougher than she felt, to summon up her inner Bellatrix. "It's not your business where I was. You've gone out overnight countless times without informing me as to your whereabouts and I've never once questioned you! So as long as you're going out all the time and not coming back until days later, I'll spend the night wherever I damned well want to with whoever I damned well want to doing whatever I damned well want to, so there!"

"Whomever," he corrected. "Not whoever."

Narcissa let out a screech of frustration. "You're killing me!"

"I ought to be killing you!" he snapped. "For disappearing overnight!"

"You disappear overnight! You disappear overnight all the time! You have been disappearing overnight on a semi-regular basis since our son was born! And I've never once disappeared overnight, never once, not in twenty-five years of marriage, not until last night!"

"That is because I am the husband and you are the wife."

"Maybe I don't want to be the wife then, eh? How about that?"

He stepped back almost as if she'd hit him with another hex. She was reminded of Severus' words from last night, about how much her husband genuinely loves her, and though she felt justified in both her action and statement she also felt guilty for hurting him. She was about to apologize when he stepped to her, grabbed her by both arms, and squeezed so hard she knew there would be bruises later.

"You want a divorce? Fine. Get out. This is my home and if you can't learn to obey me, you are no longer welcome here. Good luck trying to survive on your own."

"Very well," she said with more conviction than she felt. "I'll leave. I'd rather suffer through trying to survive on my own than spend another minute under your control! In case it's slipped your mind, I am your wife, Lucius, not your fucking house elf, and as such, you can't tell me what to do! And let go of me!" She brought her arms up, forcing him to lose his grip on her biceps.

"You insubordinate witch! After all I've given you! What were you when we met? A lonely little girl with a bad home life, a speech impediment, no money, no future, and no friends."

"My speech impediment was nearly gone by then!" she interjected. Neither of them heard the parlor door opening again or noticed Draco and Severus entering from the hall. Lucius sneered, regarding his wife with more vitriol than ever before in their nearly thirty years together.

"You were nothing before me, Narcissa. I made you my girlfriend, I made you my wife, I made you a mother. I made you a woman of status and wealth to be envied instead of a one to be ostracized and pitied. Everything you are today I made possible. And you thank me by disappearing overnight, by refusing to tell me where you were, who you were with, or what you are doing? Have you completely forgotten your place?!"

"My place?! My place as what? A trophy wife? Mother to an adult child? I'm as lonely now as I was before we met, Lucius! Worse!" She shoved him away from her and backed up a step so her legs were against the seat of the couch. There was nowhere else to go.

"If you're lonely, it's your own damn fault!" He pushed his blond hair back away from his face, breathing heavily, as all of the rage he'd been bottling up since his time in Azkaban threatened to spill out onto her. "I've tried with you! I've done all I can. But I was right to tell Juliet that you're frigid." He leaned in close and added in a tone of mock-concern, "I'm afraid to fuck you, Narcissa. You might give me frostbite."

She couldn't think of a proper response to that.

So she slapped him.

"Bitch!" snapped Lucius. He grabbed Narcissa again by the hair, forced her back onto the couch, and raised his fist as if to hit her. Severus brought up his wand, but it was Draco who intervened first.

"What are you doing to my mother?"

Lucius froze, making eye contact with his son, then, as if surprised to find his fist raised in the first place, slowly lowered it. Narcissa, who'd been trembling, felt tears of embarrassment stinging her eyes. This was not a moment she would have wanted Draco to witness (she did not yet know that Severus was in the room too).

"Your mother," Lucius said softly. "This is between me and your mother."

"If you're going to try to hurt her," Draco said, stepping forward with his own wand raised, "I'll have to hurt you, Father. I love and respect you, but I'll do whatever's necessary to protect my mother."

"So kind of you to come to her defense, Draco," Lucius said in his usual cool tone, as if he and his wife hadn't just been in the middle of a screaming match. "Especially considering that she was the one from whom you needed protection as a baby."

"No," whispered Narcissa, looking pleadingly up at her husband. If he was about to tell Draco what she feared he was about to tell Draco, that would hurt more than being hit, more than being beaten or cursed or cheated on or cast out. "Please, Lucius, don't."

"What do you mean?" asked Draco.

"Please, Lucius, I'm sorry," she whispered. She reached up to take his hand but he wrenched it away. "Please."

"Your mother was a mess after you were born, Draco. She couldn't take care of you. She could barely function. That's why we hired that squib girl to nurse you and change your nappies and watch you sleep. But at first, she was only here eight hours per day, to give your mother a break."

"Lucius…" Narcissa's voice quivered.

"From six in the evening until eight in the morning, I was home."

"Please, don't…"

"For two hours every evening, from four until six, you were alone with your mother."

"Lucius, please, I'm sorry, I didn't mean what I said. I'll tell you where I was." Narcissa took one of his hands between hers. "Darling, please."

Lucius wrenched his hand away for a second time, still staring into his son's eyes, as if unaware anyone else was in the room.

"We were in the middle of the first war. I had many obligations and could not be home all the time. For two hours each day she had to take care of you on her own. Only two hours, and she couldn't manage. Some evenings I'd return to find you'd soiled yourself and she'd been unable to change you, or I'd find you crying because she hadn't managed to feed you. Then one evening I came home…"

Narcissa was crying now, quietly, into her arms, which were folded up and resting on her bent knees, whispering, "Please, don't," over and over. Severus' stomach twisted painfully. He wanted to go to her, to hold her, to make Lucius stop hurting her... but he was momentarily powerless.

"She was leaning over you in your crib with a pillow. She had the pillow a breath away from your face. You were screaming. She looked as though she was in a trance… I called her name from the doorway of the nursery several times but it was as if she couldn't hear me. Then she placed the pillow over your head, to suffocate you…"

"I'm sorry!" Narcissa's voice broke into sobs as her body shook. Severus felt as though someone had Stupified him. He was aware of what was going on around him, but completely unable to move or react.

"I hurried into the room and wrestled her away from the crib. I threw down the pillow and picked you up. Thankfully, you were unharmed. She kept saying it wasn't her fault, that she didn't mean to, but that you wouldn't stop crying."

"You cried all the time," said Narcissa through her tears, she turned and leaned over the couch, reaching toward her son with trembling hands. "Draco, my sweet boy, I've always loved you more than life, but you cried all the time."

"After that, we had the squib girl here for twelve hours a day and your grandmother moved in. Your grandmother stayed in the room off the nursery because your mother couldn't be trusted to be alone with you. She couldn't be trusted alone with her own infant son. It continued like this until you were over a year old, until after the fall of the Dark Lord."

"I w-wouldn't have d-done it," Narcissa insisted weakly, her sobs punctuated by alternating gasps for air and hiccups. "I s-swear, I swear, I wouldn't have done it."

Lucius continued to ignore her. "For the first eighteen months of your life, Draco, you needed protection from her, which is why there's a certain irony in your determination to be protective of her now."

Draco stepped closer to the couch, his pale face one of concern, but also revealing a twinge of fear. He looked at his mother as if he'd never seen her before.

"Is this true, Mother?"

She averted her gaze from his face, her own gaze landing on Severus as she realized he was also in the room, which seemed to weaken her further. She looked back to her son, tears streaming freely down her ruddy cheeks.

"I'm s-sorry, Draco. P-please, please b-believe me, I w-wouldn't have h-hurt you. Not really. You... You've meant the world to m-me since before you were even b-born. I love you more than I've ever l-l-loved anyone, more than I could ever love anyone. And I… your father's r-right, it was as if I was in a trance. I… I b-barely remember… You see, my m-mind… my mind… there was s-s-something wrong with me, darling. There was something wr-wrong in my brain, and I wanted to see-see-see a Healer, but they w-wouldn't let me. Your... your gr-grandmothers. My m-mother and Cl-Claudia. They s-said people would talk. But I… I wasn't myself, Draco." Narcissa took a deep breath and let it out slowly, willing herself to speak without sobs, without stuttering. "It didn't happen right away. When you were a newborn, I held you all the time. All the time. If anyone else held you, you cried. I was okay, though. I was okay at first. I was okay for the first month, six weeks maybe. And then... starting then... I was having awful thoughts. I had awful thoughts, such awful thoughts, all the time, and nightmares... I started having nightmares... and I was so tired… and when you cried, I could feel your sadness cutting through me like a dagger, and holding you didn't make it stop, and I couldn't handle your pain on top of my own pain, and I was afraid all the time. But I never would have hurt you, my darling boy. Not really. Not on purpose. I'm sorry. I love you." She glanced toward Lucius, then averted her eyes, staring down at the ornate wedding ring on her third finger, which she was twisting around anxiously. "How could you tell him that, Lucius?" she asked meekly. "How could you hate me so much?"

These last words seemed to have a profound effect on Lucius, as the cold anger drained from his face, leaving a looking of abject horror, as he realized what he'd done.

"I don't hate you, Narcissa," he said. He moved to comfort her, but she pulled away. "I know you weren't right in the head then. I know it's not your fault."
"Don't touch me," she said. She wiped her eyes with her palms, the way a child would. "You want to know where I was last night, Lucius? I was…"

"She was with me," Severus interrupted. "I went out last night. I was heading to Rosmerta's in Hogsmeade, but I came upon Narcissa on the way. She'd been drinking and wasn't sure how she'd get back to Malfoy Manor, since she can't apparate onto the grounds. I have been given strict orders by the Dark Lord to remain at Hogwarts every night and did not wish for Him to learn I'd disobeyed, not to mention that side-along apparition can be risky if one party is incapacitated, thus I brought her back to the school and let her sleep it off in my sitting room. I apparated her back here this morning and was about to return to Hogwarts when I remembered that McGonagall wanted me to speak with you about Draco's recent indiscretion for which he has received detention and may lose Head Boy status. Draco and I were discussing the incident in the kitchen when we heard the commotion – he was about to explain to me what he's doing here instead of being at school."

"Is that what happened, Narcissa?" asked Lucius.

Narcissa nodded instinctively, barely able to process what her lover had just said, and glad her husband was not a Legilimens, because she was, in the moment, completely incapable of clearing or closing her mind.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I… I don't want you to think… I have a drinking problem," she said. His expression softened to one of concern, as if all the anger had left him with the flick of a wand.

"My dear Narcissa, I believe it is safe to say that you do have a drinking problem. But that's alright. We can work through it. I wish you'd just told me, instead of letting me think… what I thought was much worse. But I'm still upset. You could have gotten hurt. Someone could have found you in that state and taken advantage of you. Why don't you go to the bedroom to rest and we'll discuss this later?"

Narcissa nodded again, then made the mistake of looking to Draco, who was staring back at her with suspicion. Clearly he hadn't bought this story as readily as her husband had.

"Now you, son," said Lucius. He moved to retrieve his walking stick from the floor. "You told me you apparated home last night because you felt badly about not seeing your mother on her birthday, but you failed to mention this trouble at school."

"You wanted to see me on my birthday?" Narcissa shot him a hopeful smile, wondering if he'd ever forgive her for what he'd just learned. He did not smile back. "That's sweet, Love."

"All sweetness aside," Severus droned in the tone he typically reserved for classroom lectures, "It is not at all appropriate for you to have sneaked off of school grounds, Draco."

"Oh?" said Draco, raising an eyebrow, turning to Snape with a look of clear contempt. "Are you going to give me another detention, Professor?" He spit the last word out with as much disrespect as he could muster. If Lucius noticed this, he did not comment on it. Narcissa, on the other hand, bit her lip nervously, resisting the urge to twirl her hair.

"Dear," Lucius said, gently helping Narcissa up from the couch. "Go, take a shower, get some rest, and I'll be in to talk with you later. I'll speak to Severus about Draco's little trouble at school, don't you worry about it."

"Alright," she said, wishing Severus hadn't been there to bear witness as Lucius shared with Draco her most closely guarded secret shame. She couldn't look at him as she left the room.

The three men settled on the couch and in the two hard-backed chairs in the parlor. Severus, without emotion, relayed to Lucius what Minerva McGonagall had shared with him the night before, and, as he'd predicted, Lucius was more proud than bothered by the news.

"Girls are fighting over you? Can't say I'm surprised. It was the same for me back at Hogwarts. Between my fourth year and my seventh I was with a dozen different girls from three different Houses! No Gryffindors, but I didn't need them. I had more than my share."

Severus' jaw twitched as it occurred to him that Lucius, who started dating Narcissa as a sixth year, probably cheated on her even back then… though he also suspected some of this talk was just talk.

"It's not like that," said Draco miserably. "I broke up with Pansy weeks ago, right after Christmas break. She can't accept it, that's all. I don't want to return to Hogwarts tonight. Can't I go back tomorrow, Father? I'm an adult."

"You're a student," said Severus. "As long as you're a student, you'll abide by school rules."

"Rules are meant to be broken," said Lucius. He rose and clasped his son's shoulder. "Let him spend one more night at home, Headmaster? I think it'll do his mother some good. Thank you for taking care of her last night. She's… not well, as you may have noticed."

Severus and Draco made eye contact. Severus attempted to use Legilimency on him, but apparently wasn't as subtle with it as he thought he was, because Draco promptly shut him out.

"Fine," said Severus, figuring it may indeed be a good thing for Narcissa. "But you will return tomorrow before your first class of the day, understand?"

"I understand," said Draco. He stood, facing Severus. "Are we done?"

"Yes."

Without another word, Draco turned and left the room. Severus was eager to leave too, but Lucius wanted to talk.

"I feel as though I'm losing Narcissa and I don't know what to do," he said. "Want a drink? I have all the alcohol hidden away now, even what used to be in the basement, but I can get one of the house elves…"

"No, no thank you," said Severus, holding up a hand. "I must return to Hogwarts."

"Oh." Lucius looked disappointed. "Would you have time for lunch one day soon? I can come to you."

Severus felt a twinge of guilt. Damn it, he'd really messed things up. His closest friend's marriage was falling apart, and it was to a great degree his fault, and now the man wanted to confide in him, to seek advice... advice he couldn't give.

"Certainly," said Severus, unable to think up a way to say no. He stood and shook Lucius' hand. "I'll Owl you once I have a good idea regarding my schedule for this week."

"Thanks. I'll see you soon, mate."

Once Severus had gone, Lucius summoned a house elf and asked for a bottle of bourbon, no need for a glass. He could talk to Narcissa about her drinking problem later. For now, he needed to do some drinking himself.

Meanwhile, Narcissa was in her bedroom, sprawled out on her back on the bed, too upset over what had transpired to even cry anymore. A knock at the door made her flinch. Assuming it was Lucius, knocking only to be polite, she called out, "It's unlocked."

It was Draco.

"Mother?"

"Oh, darling, come in." She sat up and scooted until she was sitting on the end of the bed. He closed the door and sat beside her.

"Mother, I'm not upset with you. I understand that you were… that you were sick. I know you couldn't have hurt me."

She'd been wrong. She could still cry. She felt tears stinging the corners of her eyes. She wanted to say something, anything, but she was afraid if she opened her mouth, only a sob would come out.

"Did Snape tell you why I got in trouble with McGonagall?"

She nodded.

"It's not true, you know. What McGonagall thinks we were doing. I haven't been meeting Astoria in the Room of Requirement for that. We just talk. We've held hands. I've never even kissed her, except once on the cheek, when I brought her home on New Year's Eve."

"Really?"

"Really. I don't want to rush things. She's only a fifth year. Plus it's hard, you know, since she's a Ravenclaw. There aren't many places in the castle we can spend time together without others around, without everyone bugging us, where we can talk. That's why we've been going to the Room of Requirement. Because I like her. She's nice. And smart. And she's pretty. She likes the same music I do, and she likes Quidditch, even though she doesn't play, and she said she might want to become an Unspeakable someday, even though neither of us knows what an Unspeakable does.

"That's because they can't speak of it," said Narcissa, recalling the words of former Headmistress Antonia Creaseworthy.

"She thinks it would be exciting to have a job so secret no one even knows what it is. I told her I'd rather be the head of a department at the Ministry, so everyone can know what I do."

"You want to work at the Ministry?"

"I don't want to spend my life like Father, just making connections and throwing around money, with a bunch of honorary titles, relying on the name Malfoy. I want to earn my own way."

"You've never mentioned this before, Draco. I always assumed you wanted to be exactly like your father. But at the risk of sounding cliché, you should follow your dream. Is working for the Ministry your dream?"

"Well, no," he confessed, avoiding her eye. "My dream is to become a famous professional Quidditch player, but I don't think I'm good enough."

"I think you're wonderful! An excellent Seeker! You are a Seeker, right? The one who catches the snitch?" Draco nodded. "Yes, I thought so. And you're the best Seeker Hogwarts has ever seen!" Narcissa took his hand and kissed the back of it. He pulled away, but half-smiled.

"That's such a mother thing to say, Mum. You've never even watched me play and you think I'm the best."

"You haven't called me Mum in a long time," she said. An odd feeling crept into her, one of déjà vu, but she pushed it away.

"I'm good at things other than Quidditch, too. I got Outstanding in my Potions and Charms Owls and Exceeds Expectations in Transfiguration, and those are tough courses. I'm also good at dueling; I can perform several jinxes and counter-curses nonverbally. Auntie says I'm a natural at Occlumency… and I'm sort of interested in alchemy. Astoria likes alchemy and she's been teaching me about it. She and I might study it in more depth after Hogwarts, together… if the war ends."

"It'll end," Narcissa assured him. She put an arm around his shoulders. This time he did not pull away.

"Mother? Can I tell you a secret? I don't want you to tell anyone, not even Father, and especially not Auntie Bellatrix."

"Of course."

"I wish…" He glanced around as if someone might be listening, then lowered his voice even though they were clearly alone. "I wish I'd never taken the Dark Mark. I don't want it. When the Dark Lord made me use the Cruciatus on Dolohov and Rowle last August, I felt sick to my stomach the entire time. And when… and when He fed Professor Burbage to the snake… and when I almost accidentally killed Katie Bell… and I couldn't kill Dumbledore… I don't think… I'm not cut out for…"

"Shhh, darling," She wrapped him in a protective hug. "It's alright."

"Am I soft, Mother?" He rubbed his left forearm. "Am I weak?"

"As I told you last year, there's nothing weak about not wanting to take another person's life, Draco."

"But if I were strong, I'd stand up to the Dark Lord. I'd tell Him no. I'd tell Him I want out."

Narcissa chuckled. "That wouldn't be strong, darling, that would be stupid. He would kill you. This war won't last forever, just as the last one didn't, so we'll do what we did last time and wait. The waiting is the hardest part."

"That's what Astoria says. She says her family refuses to ally themselves with the Dark Lord, but they won't fight against Him either. They're purebloods, part of the Sacred 28, but they don't want to risk their lives over it. I think you'd like her. She's pretty. Did I already mention that she's pretty? She's got soft brown hair and dark blue eyes... she's sort of quiet, at least until you get to know her. And smart. I already said smart, right? That's why she's in Ravenclaw. She doesn't play Quidditch, but she watches, and she's in the gobstones club, which is…"

"Nerdy?"

Draco stifled a laugh. "Yeah, pretty nerdy. But she's really great."

"She sounds lovely. Though I'm not keen on the idea of some awful girl stealing my only baby away from me." She kissed him on the top of his head and he laughed.

"You can't keep me all to yourself forever, Mother."

"I can and I shall."

They sat in silence for a few minutes, her just holding him, until he sat up and faced her.

"Mother? Will you be disappointed if I lose my status as Head Boy?"

"Nothing you could ever do would disappoint me, Draco."

"Do you think Father will be disappointed?"

"If he is, he'll get over it."

"Mother? Were you really too drunk to make it home last night?"

"No," she answered honestly, surprising both of them. "I was angry with your father, so I didn't come home on purpose, though the reality is I couldn't have even if I'd wanted to, since I can't come and go without someone with a Dark Mark to apparate me. What Sev – what Professor Snape said was true. He did find me in Hogsmeade and he did apparate me back here this morning. And technically, yes, I had been drinking, though not much. But I believe your godfather lied about me having been drunk and sleeping in his sitting room so your father wouldn't be as furious."

"He broke it off."

"Excuse me?"

"Father. With Juliet. He told me, last night, when he got back and we couldn't find you. He told her she has until the end of this month to vacate that flat he rented. He told her it's over."

Narcissa's index finger immediately went to her hair. "And he shared this with you?"

"We talk about things," said Draco nonchalantly. "He's worried about you."

"About me?"

Draco stood with a sigh and faced away from his mother, uncomfortable. "Father thinks the stress of having the Dark Lord here, and the war, and all of it… that it's getting to you. He said he didn't want you to end up like you were… I guess he meant when I was a baby, but I didn't realize…"

"I swear, Draco, my love, I would not have done it. I was just so… I couldn't stop… you cried so much, and I didn't know what to do, and… I never would have hurt you, though. Never, I promise."

"I know." He turned back toward her. "I didn't say to make you upset. I just… Father's not well either. He's also under a lot of strain. And I know it's not any of my business, but I think you're taking your stress out on each other, which makes things worse. He wasn't angry when he couldn't find you last night; he was scared. He thought something awful might have happened to you. He looked all over Malfoy Manor, then he went to Knockturn Alley and Diagon Alley and Horizont Alley because Auntie said she last saw you there, and when he returned it was well after midnight and he was sick with worry. I don't think he slept all night. Not that it makes it okay for him to… to hurt you… but…"

"It shouldn't be your place to worry about your parents, Love." Narcissa rose and took his hands, bringing them up to her lips to kiss them, then dropping them gently back down. "I'll speak to your father later today and I promise, we'll do better together, for your sake, alright?"

"Alright," said Draco. "But you should do better together for your own sakes, not mine."

Narcissa smiled sadly. "When did you get so smart?"

"Oh," Draco waved a hand dismissively. "It was probably last summer, when Auntie Bellatrix taught me literally everything I know. Just ask her. She'll tell you."

This made Narcissa laugh so Draco laughed too. She wrapped her arms around her son, who returned the hug.

"Maybe we can go out for dinner," she said, just before he left the bedroom. "I'll ask your father."

"That would be nice," replied Draco. "Let's go to a Muggle place so we won't run into anyone we know."

"Good idea."

Lucius, to her surprise, decreed that they could indeed go out to dinner, and even suggested inviting Bellatrix to join them. She accepted the invitation, eager to escape the Manor, and excited about getting the baby ready for her first evening out – since they were going into an area in which they were highly unlikely to run into any non-Muggles, she figured she could risk being out in public… so long as the Dark Lord – who had already been gone for over 24 hours and was not expected back any time soon – didn't find out.

As they were dressing, Lucius attempted to bring up what had happened the night before.

"I'm glad Severus was there to save you, but for fuck's sake, Narcissa, you can't be going out getting drunk in public like that! Do you want the whole Wizarding world to know you've got a drinking problem? Are you trying to embarrass me? To sully the Malfoy name?"

"No, and for what it's worth, I don't think I have a drinking problem, I think have a marriage problem. You hurt me today, Lucius. You hurt my arms. Look!" She pushed up on of her sleeves. "Bruising. And if Draco hadn't been there, you would have hit me. Do you realize that? You would have hit me if he hadn't stopped you."

"I was angry."

She fixed the sleeve of her dress and sat down on the edge of the bed, shoes in hand. "Then perhaps you have an anger problem."

"I wouldn't have an anger problem if you didn't have a drinking problem."

"That's nice," said Narcissa. "Abuse me then say it's my fault for being abused. I feel like I married my mother."

Lucius released his walking stick, which fell to the floor with a clatter.

"What did you say?" he asked.

"I said I feel like I married my mother."

"Because you think I abuse you then blame you for being abused?"

"That's what I said."

"Do you truly feel that way, Narcissa? Do you feel that I abuse you?"

She stopped what she was doing – lacing up her black boots – and looked at him. She was surprised to see him staring back at her with an expression of mixed hurt and horror.

"You were going to hit me," she said, as if it should be obvious. He moved to her, kneeling on the floor in front of her place on the bed, and placed his hands on her knees.

"I was going to hit you."

"I know. I just said that."

"I was going to hit you." He repeated the words as if in shock, as if it had only just occurred to him that he'd been about to hit her earlier.

"I know."

"I've never hit you."

"You hit me once," she corrected. "On the hand, with your walking stick."

"That was an accident. I was aiming for the table. My intention was to intimidate you, not to hurt you. But today, I was going to hit you."

This was news to her. He'd not only never apologized for having hit her with the cane, he'd never told her it was accidental.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. He took her hands in his and brought them up to his lips as she'd done to Draco's earlier, except that he held hers there longer and didn't release them afterward. "I'm sorry, Narcissa. It's as if I don't know who I am anymore. Ever since Azkaban, things haven't been right between us."

"Things haven't been right between us for a long time," she said softly, hating herself for the pain she could see in his blue eyes, knowing that she'd contributed to it, and unsure of whether she even wanted to try to take it away.

"There's a darkness in me now that wasn't there before. I don't know how to go back."

"We can't go back, Lucius. Only forward."

He placed her hands back in her lap and moved his to her outer thighs.

"Do you remember the first time we took Draco to a Muggle restaurant? It was your thirtieth birthday."

Despite the gravity of their current situation, the memory brought an instant smile to her face. "We were on vacation in Barcelona. He was four, almost five. His hair was still long. I tied it back, same as how you wore yours. It was summer. He had on that adorable Muggle outfit with the red shorts and knee socks and that dark blue sweater vest. He looked like a little doll!"

"You remember his outfit, I remember his misbehavior!" Lucius chuckled. "During dinner at that tapas place by the hotel, he slipped my wand from my pocket and began brandishing it like a sword, making dishes explode, upending tables, sending that one waitress literally flying." It hadn't been funny in the moment, but it cracked him up in retrospect.

"You had to stupefy Muggles left and right so I could modify their memories!" said Narcissa, who was laughing too. "I had Draco on my hip, and I was waving my wand, shouting 'Obliviate, Obliviate!' at patrons and staff, and modifying their memories was so hard because I'd never tried it before on people who don't speak English."

"Some of them spoke English."

"Yes, but not all! Not even most! And at least I know a bit of Spanish, but that one couple spoke nothing but German! The only German word I knew was schadenfreude, and that did not help me in our situation at all."

"Then we had to apparate out of there as soon as officials from the Spanish Ministry of Magic began arriving."

"We certainly would've been brought up on charges for breaking that Magical Secrecy Degree or whatever it's called."

"Thank Merlin, we were never caught. But we made it into the papers."

"Even the Daily Prophet reported it! Draco's first brush with fame! 'Pint-sized Wizard Wreaks Havoc in Barcelona Restaurant!' That was the Prophet's headline. I believe I saved a copy of the article in his baby book."

"Only a mother would wish to preserve something like that." Lucius grinned. Narcissa stroked his cheek, feeling the unfamiliar stubble under her palm and thumb.

"Yes, well, you were much more careful with your wand from then on."

"Lesson learned. It's a good thing I wasn't out with him alone, though. I'd never have been able to Obliviate all of those people. You've always been better at that than I am. You're better at most things than I am."

"You're flattering me," she said, but she didn't mind. She liked being flattered.

"It's the truth. What I said earlier, about you being nothing without me, it wasn't true. I said it to hurt you, because I was hurt, but the truth is, I wouldn't be anything without you, Narcissa. You mean the world to me and I don't deserve you." He half-rose, placing one knee on the mattress beside her, and without thinking about what she was doing she guided his face to hers. Their lips pressed together in a gentle kiss as they drifted slowly down onto the bed, with her on her back and him on top of her. He was just beginning to deepen their kiss when the bedroom door flung open. It was Bellatrix, already in her coat, with the bundled up baby in her arms.

"Ew! Enough of that shit, let's go before the Dark Lord returns and realizes I'm gone! It's half-passed six already. I'm bloody starving to death, and you're in here fooling around like idiot teenagers." She snapped her fingers three times to accentuate her next words: "Let's. Fucking. Go."

Lucius laughed good-naturedly, climbed off of Narcissa, and summoned over his own Muggle-style coat.

"I'll… I'll be right down," Narcissa said, fighting away the sick feeling rising up inside her. Lucius nodded, Bella rolled her eyes, and they both headed out down the hall, where they met up with Draco. After their voices had drifted away, Narcissa finished lacing her boot, wishing she had a little wine to calm her nerves.

"What was I thinking?" she said aloud, wiping the memory of her husband's kiss from her lips. She grabbed her red lipstick from the pocket of the robe she'd worn the night before and applied it, looking in the mirror. "What is wrong with you, Narcissa?" she hissed at her reflection. "Don't be the whore Elizabeth Burke thinks you are."

Just before heading downstairs to meet her family, she grabbed the notebook from her side table drawer and jotted down a quick message for Severus.

I hope you don't hate me. –NM

A/N: I hope those who celebrate Christmas had a great day today and that those who celebrate Chanukah enjoy the next six days, and if you celebrate something else at this time of year, Happy Holiday(s) and if you don't celebrate anything, well, enjoy the rest of December! Not gonna beg, but if you wanted to give me a gift, I wouldn't say no to a new review or two (lol). I'm just so goshdarned close to 200 I can taste it and it tastes like an Every Flavor Bean... the buttered popcorn one, thankfully, not earwax. Thanks for reading! -AL