Chapter 37

Chapter 37

I keep myself busy. Because that's how I deal. The moment I realised what was going on, I knew we wouldn't be allowed to see the twins again. And one look at Jack when I explained what I'd found showed he'd joined the dots too.

We manage to persuade Tesia more easily than I expected. Once we'd assured her that we could keep the children safe, she was happy to tell us everything – she even agreed to write up a complete record of everything that was done to the twins, and Jama and her too.

We set up ready for the next activation. At her request, Tesia's going to be alone – she says it'll make it easier to concentrate – but we'll be monitoring her. We choose one of the isolation rooms close to the infirmary since that's an environment she's used to, and if anything of it gets back to Jama, he shouldn't be surprised.

The activation lasts just a couple of minutes. We watch as Tesia sits, apparently calmly, her hands in her lap. The information we've given her includes the addresses of some planets we've investigated and rejected as possible sites for an off-world base if we ever get funding for such an undertaking. They're all sites that were on the Abydos cartouche, so the Goa'uld already know about them. Tesia was told that the addresses were those for upcoming missions, and she's going to feed one or two during each activation until we can get to him.

The gate closes down, and Tesia scrambles for the notepad in front of her, writing something down.

We go to her, to find her previous demeanour of calm completely shattered. She's shaking.

"Tesia," I call as I go to her, Janet hot on my heels. She quickly checks Tesia's vitals while I put an arm around her. Jack picks up the notebook.

"This the address?"

"Part of it. I could only get that much."

"Did he know he was giving you the information?"

"I … I don't think so."

"Is he staying put or moving around?"

"I think he's staying."

"How much security?"

"I don't think there'll be much. He can't cope with being around a lot of people."

"Ok," he agrees. "Did he try to contact the twins?"

"I don't think so."

She seems calmer now, but turns to me.

"How long will this take?"

"I don't know. The sooner you get the address, the sooner we'll be able to sort something out. We'll contact the Tok'ra in the meantime, but how long it'll take them to get back to us is anyone's guess, and whether we like it or not, we're going to need them. They're still Jama's best chance to be rid of the Goa'uld. And while Jama might have minimum security, we've got to assume that the gate will be guarded. Our best chance of getting to him is by ship, and that means the Tok'ra."

She nods. "So you're going to contact them?"

"We're going to leave messages. That's about all we can do for now."

SSSSS

I rush to my lab, hoping to have a few moments to myself, but Jack's not going to let me. And then it's even less likely, as both Daniel and Teal'c appear as we round the last corner.

"So, did he swallow the bait?" Daniel asks.

I'm tempted to tell him to go, to get out and leave me in peace but I don't. He knows as well as I do that dwelling on the twins is the last thing I need to do right now.

"We'll find out soon enough next time he contacts Tesia. We think. Ideally, we would've put some sort of surveillance close to the gates on the planets we gave Tesia, but all off world travel has been cancelled until the threat is over."

"What about him? Did she get an address?"

"Part of it," Jack tells them.

"So, what's the plan?"

"We hope she gets more in the next few days. In the meantime, we try to contact the Tok'ra. If we get an address, we're not going to gate in there, that's for sure. Tesia might think he won't have much security, but I'm not willing to walk into another trap. Anyway, Jama's the Tok'ra's problem. They're still the best chance for the twins to get their dad back. So I'm going to recommend to Hammond that we leave whatever messages we can for them, and get them to send a ship."

"What about us?"

"We'll be on it."

The day's interrupted by hearing that Janet's due to interview the twins over a secure video link to see if their story matches their mother's. I'm about to go and insist on sitting in on the interview when Jack puts a hand on my arm. I can see the pain in his eyes, but he shakes his head.

"It'll be easier if it's Fraiser. She's familiar enough, but not too close."

"But I want to see them," I argue.

"So do I, Sam, but it'll be easier on them this way. Maybe even easier on us too. How're you going to feel if they get upset and ask us to go see them?"

He's making sense and I know it, but I'm not in a mood to be convinced. I pull my arm away and head for my lab.

Once I'm over the initial upset, I spend the rest of the day catching up on projects that've been put on hold with all the other things we've had to deal with lately. The two symbols Tesia got aren't enough to even give us a good guess at the address. Another two would give us a much better chance, but to be sure, we need all six. We've left messages for the Tok'ra, and come 18.30, Jack's at the door of my lab, pointing at his watch.

"Time to go home, Sam."

I nod. He's right, but I haven't been looking forward to being alone with my thoughts. Except … I won't be alone with them. Jack's hurting too.

On the drive home, neither of us says much. The truth is, I'm sorting things out in my own head. For one mad, crazy moment, I thought that Jack had been right before. We should have children of our own. And then, the harsh reality sinks in. We did have … for a while there. There was a short time when Tesia wasn't able to care for the twins and we had to. And we couldn't … not really. If one of us gave up the SGC, then maybe we could have kids. But with both of us … it wouldn't be fair to them.

I'm dreading talking to Jack later. I owe him an apology and I'm scared he's going to suggest we start a family again, and I'm going to have to hurt him all over again. Just not tonight, I hope.

We don't talk much. We go through the routine of getting something to eat, and settle to watch something on TV. He puts an arm around me as we sit, kissing my forehead.

"We'll be ok," he promises.

I manage to nod.

The following day sees us no further ahead. Tesia's not able to get any more of the address, but at least it doesn't look like Jama's worried.

It's another two days before we get two more symbols of the address, and the day after that, the Tok'ra get in touch. We explain the situation as well as we can by radio, and wait for a response from the Tok'ra High Council.

Now that there's a video link to the Academy Hospital, Tesia can at least talk to her children, and she's happier for that. They're in an apartment within the hospital grounds that is normally available for patients' families, and Lieutenant Wilson and Linda are sharing the duty of looking after them.

My dad arrives at the SGC scant hours after we get the complete gate address. I manage to keep my welcome of him within the bounds of decorum while I really want to run into his arms and stay there. It's not that Jack hasn't been there for me … he has. And if hugs could have made me feel better, then I'd be fine by now. It's just that I want to be a little girl again, complete with the belief that my dad can do anything.

Once in the briefing room, we take our places around the table. There's Daniel and Teal'c as well as Dad, General Hammond, Jack and me. We explain the situation to Dad – repeating much from our message, but not giving the address.

"So, where is this planet?" Dad demands when we've finished everything else.

"Do we get to come along?" Jack demands.

"Jack, that'll depend on the details. To be honest, depending on what we already know about this planet, there might or might not be a mission. So, are you going to tell?"

There was never any chance that we weren't going to tell him, but I know Jack was making a point. We pass over the address.

"And you've made no attempt to find anything out about this planet for yourselves?"

"None," I agree. "Even sending a MALP might've alerted him to the fact that we know something."

"Good." Dad ducks his head, and Selmak speaks.

"The planet is in Heru'ur's domain, but uninhabited. Its civilisation was destroyed because of some perceived treachery, and little remains beyond some buildings. In fact, when the Tok'ra last investigated, the environment was still significantly toxic."

"How long ago was that?"

"Several hundred years. I suspect that the environment would still be toxic to unblended humans, although with a symbiote and some level of artificial protection, it may be that Jama could remain there, undetected."

"So, what's the plan?"

It's Dad's voice that answers. "I hate to say it, Jack, but I think this should be a Tok'ra-only mission."

"We have protective clothing available," I remind him, more hopeful than logic says I should be.

"Protective clothing that significantly reduces your mobility and visibility. Let me set something up. I promise to keep you informed."

"I hate to admit it, Jack, but I've got to agree," General Hammond decides. "HazMat suits would put you at a disadvantage if it comes to a fight."

"If a blended human can visit the planet with impunity, it should also be possible for me," Teal'c points out.

I see the tension ebb from Jack. He was never going to be happy about being left out of this mission, but if Teal'c's along, we should at least get a full report.

"Well, how about it, Jacob?" Jack demands.

"I'll have to discuss that with the Council. Teal'c, you know I personally have no problem with taking you, but the other members of the Tok'ra team might. Regardless of your recent actions, most Tok'ra see the Jaffa as tools of the Goa'uld."

"I understand, and am still willing to go."

The meeting breaks up a short while later. Dad heads back to organise a ship and a team, promising to be in touch as soon as he knows what's happening.

The next day is tense. Tesia's getting more and more irritated at having to be at the base while the twins are elsewhere, insisting that she could be with her children most of the time, returning to the SGC only for the expected activations. And if we could be sure that Jama would stick to the rough schedule he's been on, then that might be ok, but it's too big a risk to take.

The message arrives that night, requesting that Teal'c gate to an address that's apparently the closest to Jama's location. Jack, being Jack, insists that the rest of SG-1 accompany Teal'c as far as they can, and while I'd like to go too, there's no easy way to justify that.

While they're gone, our decision not to allow Tesia to be with her children is justified when we get one of Jama's activations around six hours earlier than we'd expected. When it's over, Tesia seems flustered.

"What happened?" I ask when I'm called to see her.

"He expected some new information, and I didn't have anything ready," she tells me. She's verging on panic, and that's the last thing we need.

"Surely he can't expect something every time he contacts you," I try to reason. "What did you tell him?"

"That you and Jack had been off world and the twins hadn't seen you."

"That's good. How did he react to that?"

"He's … impatient. I think someone else is expecting more from him. He threatened to contact the twins direct next time."

"Ok. Look, we'll get you something else for next time. And when Jack gets back, we should have a better idea of how much longer it's going to be. From what we've got, it'll take the rest of today to get to Jama, and then we'll have to wait for Teal'c to report – probably another day – unless he can gate back direct."

"Two more days?"

"That's all it should be," I promise, hoping it's a promise I can keep.

Jack and Daniel return about an hour after they left. Jack's on edge, and heads off quickly to avoid talking, making Daniel a better source of information.

"What happened?" I demand.

"Pretty much what we expected. Teal'c didn't get a very warm welcome from the others. It's just as well Selmak's important among the Tok'ra, or I doubt he'd be on the mission at all."

"What about Jack? Was there anything …"

"Nothing specific. He's mad on Teal'c's behalf, but that's all."

"Is it?"

"Well, apart from what you already know. He's taking it hard – not being able to see the twins again."

"And I'm not?"

"No, Sam, no. That's not what I meant. I know it's hard for you too. The difference is you can talk about it – to me at least. Jack … won't. Unless he's spoken to you?"

"Not really. We just sort of … acknowledge that this is how it has to be and that neither of us likes it much."

There's a pause then. Daniel's looking at me expectantly, and I'm not sure if I should say any more. And then, it's just good to be able to talk, and so I do.

"It's just … after I miscarried, I decided I didn't want to try again. I was too scared of going through all that again. Now, most of the hurt is … not gone … but I know that losing the baby on top of having Jolinar in my head is kind of a special case. And there's no reason to think I'd miscarry again. So … I'd be willing to try except that having the twins around made me see that there's no way we could have kids – not with the jobs we do. Maybe we'd be ok if one of us worked somewhere else, but we're both needed where we are. I'm not saying either of us is indispensible, but …"

"Well, you kind of are. Both of you. SG-1 works, and that's because of Jack. I don't think anyone else could pull an archaeologist and a Jaffa together and make a team. Of course, it was better when you were on the team too, but you're still there when we need you, and you're here when you're needed here."

"So, you understand what I'm saying?"

"Sam, I grew up without a mom and dad. I wouldn't wish that on anyone, and that's always a risk doing this job. And then, there're the hours. How often don't you get home for days at a time?"

"Too often," I agree.

"So, have you talked to Jack about this?"

"Not recently. He knows I don't want to be pregnant, but he doesn't know it's because of the job rather than the fear."

"You should tell him. Because there's always a chance that we'll beat the Goa'uld. And when we do …"

"We could have a more normal life."

"Tell him, Sam. I think he needs some hope now – even if it seems a long way in the future."

"I'll try," I agree.