Chapter 35

Beast Boy sat at the kitchen table, staring into his glass of soy milk. Cyborg and Starfire were on the couch, watching some documentary from what he could tell. Robin was nowhere in sight.

Beast Boy glanced at his communicator, looking for the time. Five more minutes, he sighed. He would never tell his friends, but he made himself spend at least an hour with them every day. Some days it was easier; they were called to stop a villain or had training scheduled. Other days, like today, he had to force himself to sit in the common room or in their company for sixty minutes, thinking the whole time about going back to his room to sleep or sit in solitude.

The charade wasn't for his benefit, but for theirs. They worried about him, he could tell. They hadn't said anything out loud, but they didn't need to. He could see it in their eyes when they looked at him, in the glances they sent one another. He tried to appear stable and stay off their radar, which meant an hour a day living a lie.

"Beast Boy?" a hesitant voice asked from in front of him. He looked up to find Robin standing stiffly in front of the table. He noticed the sound from the television was gone; Starfire and Cyborg were walking his way.

His brows drew together as he watched them assemble. Whatever this was, it wasn't good. Starfire took a seat beside him, resting a hand on his shoulder.

"Beast Boy, we were wishing we might talk with you," she explained softly.

"What is this, an intervention?" he asked with a huff. No one said a word. "Oh."

"We're not saying that you're doin' something wrong," Cyborg clarified. "We know, it's hard. But we thought that after a while, things might get better," he said hesitantly. All three of them looked uncomfortable, and he could tell they were walking on eggshells.

"It's been months Beast Boy," Robin said. "I know you're still grieving, we all are, but we're worried this might be more of a problem than we thought."

Beast Boy grit his teeth. "What do you mean?"

"Honestly, you've been completely unpredictable in battle. Either you seem too distracted to put up a fight or too angry to think clearly."

Beast Boy chose his words carefully. "So I've become too much of a burden to the team?" The question tasted venomous.

"No! Friend, we merely fear for your safety," Starfire exclaimed. "As well as the safety of those around you," she added reluctantly.

They were all silent for a few minutes. Beast Boy was trying to control himself, to calm the boiling emotions inside of him. At the forefront of these was anger.

"So what now?" he ground out, ready for their heart-to-heart to end.

Robin grimaced. "I hate to do this, but we think it might be best for you if you, well, took a break from fighting. Just for a while, until..." he trailed off. They all knew what he was insinuating, but Beast Boy's anger was starting to get the better of him, prompting him to finish the statement.

"Until what? Until I forget about her just like you all have?" He knew it was harsh but he didn't care. He was surprised and hurt that they were saying these things, that they were implying he should move on already and get over it. Get over her.

"Whoa, man, she was our friend too," Cyborg said, an edge to his voice.

"Then why are you all acting like nothing happened?!" he shouted.

"Because we're heroes Beast Boy, we can't afford to grieve like everyone else." Beast Boy sent daggers in Robin's direction.

"You always say that. We can't have fun, we can't feel emotion, and we can't love because we're heroes. But if it was Starfire you'd be doing the same damn thing I am!"

"That's different," Robin said between clenched teeth.

"HOW IS THAT DIFFERENT?" he screamed. He was standing now, staring Robin in the eye as he stood not two feet in front of him. "Do you want me to say it Robin? I loved her. I loved her. It didn't matter if we were friends or dating or fucking married, I loved her and she bled to death in my arms and I couldn't do a thing about it," he ranted, volume and intensity dropping as he went on. He ran a hand across his face in frustration. He was just tired now. Tired of the argument and tired of these feelings. "It's only been three months Robin and you're telling me to move on. I'm sorry, but I just can't do it." With that he turned and strode quickly to the common room door.

"Beast Boy, come on man," he heard from behind him, but he just kept walking. He didn't want them to see him cry.

It didn't matter where he went. He tried everywhere: his room, the roof, the rocks by the shore, everywhere except her room. That was the one place he hadn't been since the night she died. After exhausting his options in the tower, he decided maybe a walk downtown would help to clear his head.

Usually when they were in public, people kept their distance out of surprise and respect. Today he assumed it was because he looked like he might punch somebody. Everywhere he went, people hastily cleared out of his way, whispering and staring as he walked by.

He didn't walk with any kind of plan. He just turned when he thought about it or saw something that caught his eye. After a while he had a dull ache in his feet that matched the one in his head. Turning to figure out which direction the Tower was in, he finally noticed where he was. This was the young, artsy section of town, the one that surprisingly enough contained Raven's favorite cafe.

He turned around in a circle until he spotted a street sign, helping him to map his change in course. After a few wrong turns, he finally made it to his destination. The cafe looked just the same as it had the last time, though he paid more attention to its exterior. The last time he was too preoccupied with her.

It had a brick exterior with large windows set in the outside and a glass door that seemed to always remain propped open. The hand-painted, colorful sign above the door had four letters: Ree's. Swallowing his memories as best he could, he walked inside.

Raven was right: the place was much mellower in the daytime. Many of the tables had been replaced with armchairs and couches, and for the first time he noticed the bookcases lining the walls. This looked more like a place Raven would feel at home. The scents of coffee and tea wafted from the bar area.

"Can I get you something to drink?" a timid voice asked from behind the counter. Beast Boy turned to see a mousy blonde girl with wide, star struck eyes. His lips turned up a bit in the corner.

"Sure. Um, how about some herbal tea."

"You want our special blend?" she asked, already getting started on filling the cup with water.

"Yeah," he said with a shrug. As she finished brewing it he reached for his wallet.

"Oh no, it's on the house," she said with a smile. "You can take a seat anywhere you like, we have a singer who's gonna be on any minute," she added brightly.

"I thought she only played at night," he asked, remembering that was what Raven had told him. The girl looked confused and Beast Boy mentally berated himself. To her knowledge, he had never been in here.

"She's added a few afternoon spots," she explained slowly, head tilted to the side in appraisal. Beast Boy gave her a nervous smile and quickly excused himself to a table.

Taking a look down the far wall, he noticed that their booth was open. He slowly walked over and slid in, running his fingers along the table. He could just picture her on the other side. Lifting the teacup to his lips, he sampled the bitter fluid. He made a face as he set it down. Ugh, how could she drink that stuff? he wondered distantly. His thoughts were interrupted by the melodic twinkling of a piano. On the stage the same girl sat on a stool in front of a mic, her pianist playing away on an upright behind her. The tune was calm and jazzy, perfect for the laid-back vibe the cafe emitted.

"We haven't had anyone sit there in a while, at least not during the daytime." Beast Boy jumped at the sound, turning to find who had spoken to him. A kind-looking woman in a bright, floral shirt and blue jeans stood with her arms crossed over her apron. Grey streaked her hair, whose wavy locks were thrown back in a messy bun. Slowly, she slid in the seat across from him.

"Sorry to frighten you," she said with a smile. "My name's Ree." She extended her hand, which Beast Boy shook loosely. He watched her with what he was sure was a half-dazed expression. "Beast Boy, right? You know your friend used to come in here all the time." Her voice was soft, laced with sympathy and sadness.

"Yeah," he finally managed to respond. "I came with her, once."

"You did?" Ree seemed genuinely surprised. "Not much goes on around here that I don't know about, especially when it comes to Miss Raven," she said with a slight grin.

"I was disguised."

The pieces seemed to fall into place in her mind. "Ahh, so you're the gentleman she came in with. That was quite the piece of gossip the next day." She tilted her head to the side, looking at him knowingly. "Do you mind if I ask you something personal?"

At this point, he didn't really care. It was kinda nice to talk with someone about her, someone who wasn't going to tell him to move on or give him pitying frowns. "Go ahead."

"Did you love her?"

Beast Boy blinked at her bluntness. "I, um... how could you tell?"

"The look in your eyes." She paused, reaching her hand across the table and holding one of his. He was startled by the gesture, but relaxed as she squeezed it knowingly. Her hand was warm and soft.

"I'm so sorry." She said it so low it was almost a whisper. His gaze rose to meet hers and he found a heartfelt sadness in her eyes.

"Thanks," he said, looking away before the moisture in his eyes leaked out. He felt her hand slip away from his and saw her rise from the booth.

"Try this," she said, reaching for a packet of sugar and placing it beside his teacup. He nodded and gave her the biggest smile he could muster as she walked away.

He looked back towards the tea as the song ended. Following Ree's advice, he tore off the corner and emptied the packet into his tea, using the small teaspoon on the saucer to stir it. He once again brought it to his lips, this time more hesitant.

It was warm and sweet, the sugar taking the edge off of it's flavor and giving it a somewhat enjoyable, earthy flavor. He let it sit on his tongue as a new song began.

The singer's eyes were turned to the ground when she started, the thoughtful look on her face matching the somber tone of the music.

All my friends tell me I should move on

I'm lying in the ocean, singing your song

And there's no remedy for memory your face is

Like a melody, it won't leave my head

Your soul is haunting me and telling me

That everything is fine

But I wish I was dead

Beast Boy could feel his shoulders tense. The lilting melody and pointed lyrics made his chest constrict. Be strong, he commanded himself. People can see you.

Every time I close my eyes

It's like a dark paradise

No one compares to you

I'm scared that you won't be waiting on the other side

He stood abruptly from the table, leaving a wad of dollars next to his cup. He kept his head down as he moved straight for the door, trying to keep his face as unreadable as possible.

When he made it outside he looked around. The streets were far from crowded, but it wasn't quite good enough. His head turned frantically, searching for an alleyway. He spotted one a block down and all but ran to it.

It wasn't clean and it wasn't pretty, but Beast Boy didn't give a shit. He collapsed against one of the brick walls and finally let the tears run down his face.

Starfire sat on the couch, completely still. Normally when she was stressed she fidgeted or tapped her fingers, but this kind of anxiety was far past where movement would help.

We have failed him, she thought solemnly. When Robin first suggested they talk to him, she was eager to do it. She had hoped it might help ease his pain. The air was thick with sadness; grief had hung over them all for the past three months, but none so much as Beast Boy. She could understand his sorrow, as she knew love was the strongest emotion of all.

But their conversation had gone so horribly, horribly wrong. Instead of helping to ease the burden of his sadness, they only made it worse.

When she heard the doors slide open behind her, she turned immediately. She sighed, seeing it was only Robin. Not that she didn't want to see him, but he wasn't the one who had disappeared all afternoon. She saw his furrowed brow and knew the answer to her question before she even asked it.

"Have you found friend Beast Boy yet?" Robin shook his head as he moved around the couch to sit between her and Cyborg. Sensors confirmed he wasn't in the tower, and though they had checked his usual hideouts, he was nowhere to be found.

"I'm sorry guys," he said with a sigh. "This was my stupid idea in the first place."

Cyborg rested a hand on his shoulder. "We were just trying to help him. No one knew how serious it was."

"Yeah," Robin huffed, "help him. Just like I helped him by figuring out who the killer was and that surprise—Slade was actually trying to help us." Starfire's mind jumped to the time of his discovery, when he noticed that each member of the Church of Blood had been kidnapped and mysteriously returned with no memory of what had happened. "Just like when I uncovered that Raven knew it was going to happen." Starfire closed her eyes for a minute. They would never say it in front of Beast Boy, who still believed Raven would never do that to them, but they were fairly sure she was knowledgeable of the impending murder. The words the Mayor spoke were true. The worst part of it was that in the end, Slade had stopped the Church himself, rendering Raven's sacrifice pointless.

"Robin please, I believe that, as time passes, Beast Boy will be thankful for your truths. He merely needs time." Just as she finished the sentence the door behind them slid open again. They each stiffened at the sound, knowing who it was.

"Beast Boy," Robin said as he turned around. "Where have you been?" Starfire could hear the relief in his voice.

Their teammate stood with his hands clenched at his sides, a stony expression on his face. With each second that passed, Starfire's heart fell.

"I've thought about your proposition earlier," Beast Boy said, completely ignoring Robin's question.

Starfire shared a sideways glance with their leader, confirming he felt just as bad about this as she did.

"You have?" Robin asked nervously.

Beast Boy nodded. "I think you were right Robin. I do need a break." He paused, taking a moment to look at each of them. "That's why I've decided to quit the Titans."

AN: One hundred thousand words later and we finally get to the song that actually inspired this fic. I was listening to Lana Del Rey's Dark Paradise and reading some BBxRae stories when the thought of one of them losing the other came into my mind, and the very basic premise for 21 was born!

Thank you so much for your overwhelming support.

XOXO Gwen