The Eye of Orion
"Where are we?" Rory asked as the TARDIS set down, him and Amy waiting by the doors of the phone box, both of them were a bit hesitant to just step out, especially after one of their more recent trips to a planetoid place named House.
"The Eye of Orion," the Doctor answered, making sure that the TARDIS remained locked in place and didn't wander off like he felt she might.
The old box seemed rather adventurous ever since House. He'd actually been aiming for the Eye of Orion and finally managed to get it. He felt the Ponds could use a little bit of a break, some peace and quiet, whatever that was.
"And what is the Eye of Orion?" Amy asked, "Are we like on Orion's Belt or something? Is that where we are?"
Angel shook her head, giving them a small smile, still trying to cope with having the TARDIS in a flesh body, running around and calling her sister…only to lose her once more, "It's the most peaceful place in the Universe," she explained, "It's like a little slice of heaven, or at least that's how it was described a few times."
She grew more lost in thought, thinking of all the other companions they'd taken to the Eye of Orion over the years. Quite a few of them had gotten to go to the Eye, they'd taken Rose there after her father's death and Martha after they'd dealt with that killer star. She liked that, the thought of taking the companions to the same places here and there, just so they could see the same thing, have something more to talk about if they ever met up one day.
And she knew they'd all meet one day, she loved the thought of bringing the 'family' together to spend time with each other. They really did need to have a reunion or something quite soon. She…she'd gotten to see Jack and Sarah Jane in person but all the others she'd had to see through the monitor of the TARDIS. She missed them, she missed being around people who actually knew who she was and remembered who she was to them. She swallowed hard, the Doctor…she glanced at him, he was…different than how he'd been when he first regenerated, he was…closer to her, but he still had no idea who she was, that she was his Mate, that she was carrying his child. She rubbed her head, she really DID have to tell him about that, fairly soon she imagined.
There was only about a month or two left of her pregnancy and then the baby would be there and…she felt like something terrible was going to be coming and that he'd need all the help he could get. She couldn't just leave him, not knowing that was coming for him, not even knowing what 'that' was but that he'd need her for it.
She just…didn't know what to do.
"So come on then!" the Doctor shouted, pulling Angel out of her thoughts as he rushed to the doors, "Enough of this talking, let's get out there and do some…some relaxing type things. And lounging about and and…and…"
Amy looked at him, "You have no clue how to relax do you Doctor?"
"Not a one," he nodded, "So you need to teach me," he took hold of the door, when Rory spoke beside him, making him pause.
"Angel are you sure we should be here?" Rory turned to her, "He doesn't seem like he does well relaxing," he jerked a thumb at the Doctor who looked quite offended at that, "Is this gonna turn into some dangerous adventure again?"
Angel shook her head with a small smile, "No Rory, it should be fine. Trust me," she nodded, "I don't feeling anything bad about the Eye, it's always been very peaceful. Nothing's ever really happened to us when we came here before. Too peaceful even with the Doctor there."
"Oi!" the Doctor pouted.
"Not even the Sontarans, er…a warrior race, would mind being here a century."
Amy frowned, "Those weird potato dwarf things right?" she guessed, recalling what Sontarans were, a vague sense of glimpsing a stone version of them in the Pandorica room during that whole event.
"Yes," Angel nodded, "But um…you'd best go," she nodded at the Doctor, "I think he's about to explode from impatience."
"I'm not that bad," the Doctor rolled his eyes.
"Oh just shift," Amy shoved him out the doors, "You big child."
"Angel are you coming?" he glanced back at her.
"Go on," Angel shooed them, "I just need to check the firewall," she just wanted to make sure that the TARDIS would be ok first, that the firewalls were holding up before she joined them. She hadn't gotten a chance to test them before and what better time than in a peaceful place like the Eye?
The Doctor though, found himself hesitating, not liking the idea of going off without Angel. It was just…ever since House and Idris's words ringing in his ears…he hadn't stop thinking about her, about what Idris's last words, to take care of her. He couldn't just let her wander off or stay behind anymore, she rarely ever had in the past but…now she seemed to do so more and it…bothered him, it bothered him how much she tended to walk away from him and leave him and get separated from him and…it hurt to realize he had partially been to blame in LETTING it happen.
"Are you sure?" he had to ask again, "We…I…can wait."
She shook her head, "I'll be just fine. Go. Go," she insisted when he remained where he was, "Please, have fun, I'll be there in a few minutes."
The Doctor waited only a moment longer before stepping out the doors with the Ponds, shutting them behind him and giving her privacy (and a little bit of protection if he wasn't going to be with her in the TARDIS). He turned around and stopped short…staring, wide-eyed, at who was standing right in front of him only a few feet away, literally an arm's length before him.
"It can't be…" he murmured.
Amy glanced between him and the two men standing before her, "Doctor?" she frowned, "Do you know them?"
"Doctor?" Rory glanced between them, recognizing the men from pictures Angel had shown him, "Is that…YOU?"
Angel really had shown him a picture of one of the Doctor's previous incarnations so that he could defend himself should the man ever make fun of his nose again. But she'd done more than that, she'd shown him images using the TARDIS of ALL the Doctor's previous incarnations as well. And standing there, right before them, were the man's last two.
"What?" Amy looked at Rory, then the Doctor, then the two men who were apparently ALSO the Doctor, and back to HER Doctor.
But the three Time Lords were just staring at each other, as shocked about it all as THE Doctor seemed to be.
"You're the Doctor?" the tall, skinny man in the brown suit with the blue tie looked at him, his hair all sticking up, before having to add, "Please tell me it wasn't a brick. Please just tell me it wasn't a brick."
"Oh shut up," the other one, a more built man rolled his eyes, wearing a leather jacket on top of a dark blue shirt, with a bit of a big nose and big ears.
"It is…" Rory nodded, more to himself than anyone else, "The tenth," he pointed at the tall skinny man, "And the ninth," and the other with shorter hair.
"How do you know that?" the Eleventh Doctor looked at him, startled out of his shock by Rory's knowledge.
Rory shrugged and pointed over his shoulder at the TARDIS doors, "Angel showed me a picture of you, the other yous…but it IS you, isn't it?" he glanced at the others, "Your the ninth and tenth self."
"Angel's in there?" the Tenth Doctor blinked, looking at the doors, "Why is Angel in the TARDIS?" he turned back to his future self, confused. Angel should have been out there, with him…the other him…not in the TARDIS.
The Eleventh Doctor just shook his head, blinking a bit as he came out of his shock completely, "She's checking on the firewall she installed for the TARDIS Matrix," he told them, just…staring at them.
Why didn't he remember meeting them? BOTH of his last selves were there and yet…he didn't remember this, he didn't remember coming to the Eye of Orion and meeting his other selves. He remembered coming with Rose and Angel, after trying to save Pete, he remembered that Angel and Rose had wandered off, Angel talking to her about the loss of her mother, and he remembered coming there with Martha and the next Angel after helping that ship get away from the sun, how he'd gone off and was waiting for Martha and Angel to join him…but he didn't remember this, meeting either version of himself.
"Still tinkering with the TARDIS then," the Ninth Doctor smiled, "She hasn't managed to fix everything yet?"
"Oh I bet I broke half the things she fixed," the Tenth Doctor shrugged, "I love it when she does that," he turned to his future self, "Can we go see her? Can we say hi?"
"Yes, of course," the Eleventh nodded, "She's regenerated though, only one in there."
"Wait!" the Tenth Doctor held up a hand as his past self tried to step towards the TARDIS, looking at his future self intently, "What hair color does she have? Is it ginger? Please tell me she's still ginger. I've always wanted to be ginger and she looks so lovely with red hair…"
"Er…she's got black hair," Rory supplied, "But I think she was ginger once before…"
The Ninth Doctor frowned at that, "Once before?" he looked at his future future self, "You means she's regenerated more than once?" he frowned at that, at the thought that Angel, his Angel, had died repeatedly in order to get to two different hair colors. That…bothered him.
"Oh look at the time," the Eleventh Doctor glanced at his watch, forgetting momentarily that it was on his left wrist and not his right one which he'd glanced at, "I was just heading off with Ponds 1 and 2," he pointed at Amy and Rory, crossing his arms in the process.
Rory rolled his eyes, "I'm not Pond 2," he corrected, before turning to the men, "I'm Rory Williams," he held out a hand, "Angel's companion. Nice to meet you."
The Tenth Doctor eagerly shook Rory's hand, beyond thrilled that his Mate was taking on companions of her own, but the Ninth Doctor just blinked at him, confused, "She can take a companion?"
The Tenth Doctor grinned and sent him a wink, "Can't really say," before smiling like he knew an exciting secret. He didn't want to ruin it for his past self the wonderful future he knew would be coming for himself and Angel.
The Eleventh Doctor just nodded, "Apparently she can," he shrugged…making the Tenth Doctor's grin start to fade just a little at the words…it sounded almost like he was confused by how that was possible, before the Eleventh Doctor gestured at the doors, "Go on in and say hello," he offered before walking off with the Ponds.
Both Doctors frowned at that, watching him go, that wasn't right at all, for either of them. Something about this wasn't sitting right with them.
"That isn't right," the Ninth Doctor frowned at himself.
The Tenth Doctor nodded, "Very, VERY not right. Especially since Angel's our M…" he cut himself off.
"Our what?" his past self looked at him.
"I can't say," the Tenth Doctor muttered, "But there IS something wrong here and I need to see if Angel's ok."
"Me too," the Ninth Doctor agreed, and they both reached for a door handle, pushing the doors to the TARDIS open.
They could see Angel, working at the console, very deeply focused on what she was doing as she flicked a few switches, as she always was when she was fixing their beloved box. They both felt themselves smile at that, at seeing her dedicated to keeping the ship flying and fit, she loved the box (sometimes they thought) more than they did…but then they saw her stiffen as she made it to a place where her back was to them, as though sensing them behind her.
"What are you in here for?" the Ninth Doctor called, grinning, but the Tenth Doctor's frown remained in place, sensing something very VERY different about his Mate.
"Angel?" the Tenth Doctor asked, but she actually flinched at HIS voice.
"No," Angel started shaking her head, "No, no…you are not doing this to me. Don't do this to me. Please don't do this to me," they both looked on, alarmed, as she started to beg someone they couldn't see, both of them able to hear teas in her voice, making them both very concerned.
The Ninth Doctor looked over, blinking, as the Tenth Doctor literally disappeared from beside him as he ran over to Angel's side in an instant, trying to reach for her…
But Angel just stumbled away from him, "No, no don't touch me!" she walked backwards, farther away from him as the Tenth Doctor stared at her with wide, hurt eyes.
The Ninth Doctor slowly moved to his future self's side, looking at the tears filling Angel's eyes, making his hearts constrict to see, "Angel what's wrong?" he tried to reach out for her as well, hoping it was just his future self she might have issue with but when she stumbled back from even his touch he grew even more concerned, "What's wrong?"
Angel just stared at them, so pale it looked as though she'd seen a ghost, her eyes wide, shimmering with tears, she looked…utterly devastated, "You can't be here," she mumbled, staring at them, shaking her head, looking between them as though she were trying to convince herself she was imagining it all, "You can't be here. You can't. This is impossible. You can't be here. You can't do this to me."
"Do want to you?" the Tenth Doctor breathed, "I don't understand. Angel what happened?!"
Angel looked at the Tenth Doctor, as though just noticing he was there before her, and glanced at the Ninth as well, and back to the Tenth, "Are you really him?" she whispered, before wincing and shaking her head, closing her eyes, "No, no you're not. You can't be him. You're just a…body-snatcher or…or…or a Slitheen or a Gelth or...or the Dream Lord trying to frighten me or Gangers or…" she swallowed, blinking at them, seeming to be struggling to try and keep thinking of what they could be, anything besides what they were, "Are you real?"
The Tenth Doctor nodded, "Of course we're real," he patted himself in the stomach and nudged the Ninth Doctor's side, "See very real."
The Ninth Doctor slapped his future self's hand away as he proceeded to poke him instead, "Stop doing that," he sort of scowled at him in a brooding way,
"Ganger," Angel murmured and they looked at her, the Time Lady shifting in front of them from foot to foot, seeming about to flee their presence at any moment, "Gangers that downloaded your personalities…"
"Angel it's us," the Tenth Doctor insisted.
The Ninth Doctor nodded, "Yes it's the two of us. Apparently, me, and the next me, and the next next me."
The Tenth Doctor looked at her, "Please tell me I didn't trip over a brick."
His hoped for effect, that she would laugh, failed, as the tears began to fall from her eyes at the notion and the remember of not only the time during Christmas (a Christmas she knew that particular Doctor, and his past self, hadn't had yet) when he'd joked about that, but also at the reminder of the last Doctor's regeneration.
"Angel please," the Tenth Doctor took a step towards her, but she backed up and he felt tears coming to his own eyes.
"Tell me what's wrong," the Ninth pleaded, joining his future self at his side, "I hate seeing you like this."
"You're hiding things from me."
"What do you mean she's hiding things from you?" the Ninth Doctor looked at him, "How can you tell?"
"Because we are…"
"No, don't say it," Angel begged.
But he finished anyway, "Mates."
The Ninth Doctor's eyes widened at that as he looked between the two of them, his future self and Angel…they were Mates? They were… "We…we Mated…we Mated with her?" he blinked, "She's our Mate? She's…ours?"
"Maybe," the Tenth Doctor started to smile, "We're in the process of it. And I would very very much hope that we've finished the process by now…" he looked Angel, but only for his mouth to drop open, his eyes to widen, and his heart to break as he saw her crying into her hands, silently, her shoulders shaking, her head bowed, "Angel…" he swallowed, "Did we finish the Mating?" he whispered, thinking that might be what set her off, that they'd stopped or hadn't finished or…
She slowly sniffled, trying to take a deep breath, and looked up, her eyes red, "Yes, we did."
The Ninth Doctor shook his head, "Why are you crying if that's a happy thing? It…IS happy," he eyed her as she flinched.
Angel looked away, it hurt, it hurt so much to see them there, the two men who would always care for her in a way that current Doctor didn't seem to, "It should have been," she whispered.
The Tenth Doctor stepped closer to her, seeing her not looking and reached out a hand to her.
"No, don't…" she tried to back away, "Don't touch me. Please don't touch me," she started to beg and cry even more the closer he came.
"Angel what's wrong?" he asked her, "Please you are breaking my hearts," he whispered, and they could all hear the tears in his voice as it broke.
"Yes," the Ninth Doctor nodded, "I'd rather like to know what's wrong as well," he crossed his arms, whatever it was that had upset Angel so badly he wanted to have some words with.
Angel swallowed, realizing they wouldn't leave her be till they had answers, "I'll talk to you," she agreed, "But please don't touch me."
"How can you expect me not to?" the Tenth Doctor shook his head.
She looked at him, a heartsbroken expression on her face, "Because it will hurt too much."
"How would it hurt?" the Ninth Doctor asked, shaking his head, not understanding anything that was going on, which was very very frustrating.
She closed her eyes, "Because you forgot me," she told them.
She needed to say that. She needed to get it out. She wanted to confront the Doctor about it, HER Doctor, but in his current incarnation she was terrified of his rejection of her, that he would laugh it off and think it was just some sort of vivid dream or fanciful hope of hers. Especially with the River Song in the picture, she wasn't sure if he would even believe her or even entertain the notion that they were Mates. And she was completely petrified of bringing up the baby and him denying the child was his. But…these two Doctors, despite one not having had any idea they were Mates as they hadn't been Mates during his time, and the other only in the process of Mating with her…they would talk to her, they would understand, and they would listen…because they cared about her still.
She kept getting the feeling that every time the Eleventh Doctor tried to love her or like her or pull her closer something just…pushed him away. And it broke her heart every single time. She just needed to speak to the Doctor, any Doctor, it didn't matter which one it was as they were all the same person to her, they were all the same man in a way but just…different. She loved each of them individually, even the ones she hadn't met yet, because they were just him and why wouldn't she love in any incarnation?
A fire and rage entered the Tenth Doctor's eyes as his hands curled into fists, "What you mean I've forgotten you?!"
The Ninth Doctor looked at him and back at Angel, "But he knew who you were. He said that you were in here. He called you Angel, he knows you…"
Angel looked at them again and this time they could see…defeat…in her eyes, something that had them both tensing to see, it was a look that just didn't belong on her face, "Yes he knows me. He knows I'm a Time Lady. He knows I travel with him. He…" her voice cracked, "He doesn't know were Mates."
"How could he possibly forget that?!" the Tenth Doctor blew up, making Angel flinch at the sudden shout.
The Ninth Doctor turned to him, "Watch the volume!" he hissed at his future self, thinking that Angel had flinched because of the way he'd yelled, which was partially true as she couldn't really ever remember the Tenth Doctor truly shouting at her.
"How…" the Tenth Doctor began to shout again, but took a breath, trying to be calmer, "How could I have forgotten you?" he looked at Angel, shaking his head, "You're too important for me to ever forget. And I think I speak for him as well," he nodded at the Ninth Doctor. Angel glanced at the Ninth Doctor as well, to see him looking at her, nodding in his agreement, "You are the most precious thing in my entire life. More than even the TARDIS."
They looked up as the TARDIS gave an angry hum, but also an understanding one, knowing that the Doctors, both of them had implied on numerous occasions that Angel was that important to them. That they'd give her up, give up the travelling, if it would make Angel happy. But they both knew that the girl loved the box as much as they did.
"Angel please," the Tenth Doctor stepped up to her, trying to take her hands which she pulled back.
"Please don't," she whispered brokenly, making him stop at the tremor in her voice, "Please don't touch me."
"Why not?" the Ninth Doctor asked, seeing his next self too shocked and alarmed to be able to speak.
Angel sighed, rubbing her head, "Because he doesn't anymore," she said simply, "Not a hug, not a hand hold, not a pat on the back…" she let out a bitter laugh, "Nothing."
"What happened to me?" the Tenth Doctor breathed, not sure he even believed a word of what was saying, but...knowing she wasn't lying, and knowing, from what he'd seen of his future self just walking away and leaving Angel alone that it was true.
"I don't know," she shrugged, "You just…you regenerated and that was it. I was gone. It's not just that you forgot we're Mated, you have literally NO memory of us being together," she blinked, trying not to cry again, "It's all gone. Everything, all that time we had together, every moment that's non platonic is gone…and I don't know how to get it back."
The Doctors looked at her, completely horrified, both of them unable to believe they could ever forget her like she was describing. She was such a part of their lives, she was too big a part of their lives to just…forget her. It would be like carving out an entire chunk of their hearts, they wouldn't be able to continue to function properly if they forgot her.
"He doesn't realize does he?" the Ninth Doctor realized, looking at the doors, "He was far too…chipper," but he'd seen it, in the man's eyes, that there was something not quite right, not quite there.
"I don't think he does," Angel admitted, "He might, he might not. There are times where he gets this look on his face, like he's…he's remembering something but then it's gone a moment later and I never know if it's ever gonna come back. I just…I don't know what to do," she started crying again.
The Ninth Doctor watched as his future self walked right over to her, pulling her into his arms even as she struggled, even as she tried to get back.
"No don't," she whispered, "Please don't…" but she didn't have as much fight in her as last time and his future self just held her.
"You can expect me to stand by at the sight of my Mate in pain," he told her, shaking his head, "And not try to comfort her."
"I'm not your Mate," she murmured, "YOU haven't finished the process."
"That's only a technicality," he countered, looking at his past self over her head, a hard look in his eyes.
The Ninth Doctor nodded, "Why don't we step out and go have a little chat with ourself."
"Brilliant idea," the Tenth Doctor agreed, stepping away from Angel…only for her to grab his hand and stop him.
"No!" she shouted, "You can't!"
"Angel we might be able to jog his memory…" the Ninth Doctor tried.
"Don't you think I've tried?" she told them, "I have tried everything, I even told him, to his face, that we were Mates…nothing worked. Nothing will work."
The Tenth Doctor swallowed hard, "Then what do we do? How do we stop it?"
"You can't," Angel shrugged, letting go of his hand, "You need to go back to your TARDISes, and erase this moment from your memories."
"What?!" the Doctors shouted.
"You can't remember learning this," she insisted, "It could change the entire course of your future and…"
"And we'd remember you!" the Tenth Doctor shouted.
"And it would destroy the timelines," Angel countered.
"To hell with the timelines," the Ninth Doctor agreed.
"And thousands, MILLIONS, will die," she cut in, the two of them falling silent, "Everything that happened since you regenerated, everything that you will do, every choice, every action, every decision…was made because you can't remember me. If you do…what if you change something? What if you make it worse?"
"What if we make it better?" the Tenth Doctor countered.
Angel swallowed hard, shaking her head, "That is not a risk I can take."
"Angel…" the Ninth Doctor looked at her, so…alarmed, this was NOT the bright and shining and exuberant girl he travelled with, the woman he was…falling in love with, "It could make you happy."
"And all those people who might die because of it? Because you chose something else this time? I won't thank you for that, that will devastate me more than your amnesia, to know I caused their deaths."
"You wouldn't remember them," the Tenth Doctor countered.
"It would be a separate timeline," his past self agreed.
"I'd know," she shook her head, "I WOULD know, I'd feel it. And it would be worse to be so sad and so hurt and so broken and not know why. This…" she took a breath, "I…can survive this. I couldn't survive the deaths of all those people on me."
The Tenth Doctor looked at her, heartsbroken, "You really want us to do this, don't you?"
She nodded, "Everything happens for a reason. Everything you've done has been influenced by the amnesia. It HAS to happen, for this to happen."
The Ninth Doctor glanced at his future self, "There's not a snowball's chance in hell that we'll ever be able to say no to her, is there?" he asked, already feeling himself giving in, because ANGEL had begged them to.
His future self shook his head, no there wasn't. He looked at Angel a long while, before he turned and gestured his past self on, the two of them leaving to do as she asked, both of them unable to say another word to her for fear of making it harder for her.
Angel watched them go a long while, till the door had shut, before she ran around the console, seeing in some sort of command, looking up as the…helmet that had turned her human started to descend from the ceiling. She swallowed hard, moving to put in instructions, not to turn her human but…the helmet could erase memories, alter them, take them out of her head…like it had when it turned her human.
And this…she couldn't remember this, it would break her to know she'd had a chance to change it all…and decided not to.
She ran over to the helmet, putting it on and scrunching her eyes shut as the program kicked in…and she screamed…
~8~
"Angel!" the Doctor shouted as he bolted up in bed, feeling like he'd been the TARDIS near the end of his dream, watching Angel putting that helmet on, seeing her in such pain, reaching out for her but being unable to stop it.
"Theta," a voice called beside him as he felt the bed shift, his eyes having fallen closed, to feel Angel wrap her arms around him, "Another nightmare?"
He swallowed hard, nodding, "Yes," there was no point to lie at that time, she knew he'd had one, she'd woken up because of it, "I'm sorry…for waking you."
Angel smiled and kissed his shoulder, resting her chin on it as she ran a hand up and down his back, "Do you…want to talk about it?"
He let out a breath, running a hand through his hair as he opened his eyes and stared at the duvet of their bed. He hesitated a moment before sighing, "My last two incarnations ran into us in the Eye of Orion with Amy and Rory, that's all."
He was expecting her to say that it didn't sound like a nightmare and that she was happy he was starting to talk to her about them. He was expecting her to say that she wasn't that bad a pilot that she'd set them all down at the same time as SHE had been the one to pilot them on those trips. He expected her to say that the Universe would explode if the three of them met each other so it had to be a dream…
He did NOT expect her to stiffen beside him.
He looked at her, frowning when he saw her eyes wide, "What's wrong?" but Angel just started at him, shaking her head before closing her eyes a moment, "Nella…what is it?"
"They found out about your amnesia…didn't they?" she wondered.
He blinked and frowned more, "Did you…see my dream?" she hadn't been able to see his last few.
"No," she told him, "I…" she looked away a moment, "Come with me," she took his hand and got out of bed, leading him from their room and to the console room.
"What's going on?" he asked, not sure what this had to do with anything, not sure why his latest dream had clearly upset her so much.
"You'll see," she whispered, moving to the monitor and putting in a few commands, "I…I didn't remember till I was putting the photos of your past companions into Ayla's locket," she murmured, "I still don't remember but…" she shook her head, "Look…" she hit a button…
And his hearts stopped.
There, on the monitor, was Angel, her last self, working at the console, moving around it…when the doors opened…and his last two selves stepped in. He watched as his dream, his nightmare, played out before him, Angel backing away from them, their confusion and anger, her pleading with them…
It…it was all real?
"I…I don't…" he shook his head, feeling his hearts start to race now, "It…"
"Happened, yes," Angel said quietly, watching as his past selves left and her own past self ran to send the Chameleon Arch down, preparing to use it, before she flicked the monitor off, not wanting to see herself in even more pain.
"I don't understand…" he looked at her, tears in his eyes, "Why?" he asked, "Why would you ask me to forget? Why would YOU forget?!"
She had been so devastated when he'd forgotten her, was so…adamant about NOT using any sort of memory technology (as was clear by her comment about that poor man in the Inforarium being in a loop) that…to find out she'd had the chance to stop it, that SHE had used it herself…it was jarring.
"I told you why," she nodded at the monitor, "What you did between forgetting and remembering me, you did because you forgot me. I couldn't risk that changing, not knowing if it would be worse. I could handle what was happening, I couldn't handle it if it was worse than what happened."
"And if it was better?"
"I couldn't risk it."
He swallowed, closing his eyes and shaking his head, "But you made yourself forget?"
"Because I couldn't bear to remember it Theta," she sighed, turning to lean on the console to face him, "By that point, after Idris, before we learned about the Gangers…I didn't…" she let out a breath, "I didn't care anymore. I had reached a point where…I'd accepted you'd forgotten me, that you wouldn't look at me with that sparkle in your eye, that you wouldn't care for me in the same way. I accepted it," she looked at him, "To see those other yous, looking at me with love, with fondness…if I had remembered that, remembered you showing concern for me and holding me the way you did…it would have destroyed me. It would have sent me back to how I'd felt when you first forgot me. The MOMENT YOU walked into the TARDIS again after having seen your other selves, to see you look through me once more, to be reminded you'd forgotten me. It would have hurt three times as much. And…I was scared. I didn't want to feel that pain ever again Theta. I'm sorry…" she reached out and took his hand, "I am so sorry, but…of all the memories I have, THAT," she nodded at the monitor, "Is the one I could not BEAR to keep. Seeing my sister die, Ayla being torn from my arms, you kissing River…of all the terrible memories I hold…THAT was the one that would have killed me to hold onto. So…I had to let it go."
The Doctor was silent through that, through hearing her speaking of how that one moment, that should have been a relief to her, to see his past selves, the ones of him that had loved her when he forgot her, was really more a nightmare for her…it hurt. But he understood why she'd done it. He had hurt her enough, one more pain would have sent her over the edge, and all that happened after Idris would never have. He'd never have discovered she was a Ganger, that Ayla had been taken, that River would murder Angel. All the things they'd endured and healed from and worked through…would have never occurred.
He didn't know if it was also a bit of her foresight coming in but…whatever it was, it was truly for the best that she had forgotten that moment.
"I am sorry Nella," he whispered, "That I hurt you so terribly."
She reached out and touched his face, "I'm sorry that I scared you in Utah," she countered, smiling as he leaned into her touch, "Shall we call it even?" she asked, a hopeful note to her voice.
He let out a small laugh, taking her hand to kiss her palm, "I think I still feel quite a bit more guilty," he admitted.
She nodded, "I'll have to work on that then," she leaned in and gave him a gentle kiss, winding her arms around his neck as he pulled her closer, deepening it, she really, really would have to work on that though.
He'd terrified her when he'd woken up screaming and…that nightmare was likely not even the worst of it. She could only imagine what that meant for his mental state that something as simple as THAT had alarmed him so. She could tell he was growing more weary, more worn, his mind a bit more…fractured and strained…and she would NOT see him suffering this much longer.
No, she would help him, if it was the last thing she did.
A/N: O.O This time the nightmare was REAL }:) Ooh...scary thought. Wasn't too bad of a nightmare compared to ones in the past and some to come, but I think it's almost a little more chilling to know that it actually happened and that he didn't remember it. Might make someone wonder if all the other nightmares might just be...parallel worlds or an 'aborted' timeline or something }:)
In other news though...50th ANNIVERSARY TODAY! WOO! ^-^ I am SO excited, but keep in mind, I might ask your opinions on a few things involving the story (and the Academic Series/Lunar Cycle) on the 24th, nothing spoilery, but just some vague thoughts I might need sorted to write the 50th for them if I get stumped after seeing the 50th :)
Have to say, congrats to DW for making it 50 years, and fingers crossed for 50 more (and then some) ;)
Some notes on reviews...
That's awesome :) One of my college roommates studied abroad in Australia...and never left lol :)
Lol, I definitely was listening to Merry's song as I wrote/edited that part ;)
I can say that Clara probably won't be a Time Lady in any other story I write for her :( Which is sad, because I had a twist I was REALLY looking forward to using for one particular story involving her. Sadly there were quite a few mixed feelings when I made her a TL in my Lunar Cycle and a few people felt I had 'pulled a Rose' (not entirely sure what that means even to this day as I don't read Rose stories). So sadly I don't think it would be accepted if I made her a TL again, which is sad because I had this really beautiful moment already written about something along those lines. -sigh- oh well :)
I'm not sure if I'd write a Master/OC story, it could be interesting, but I'd sort of want to get all my Doctor/OCs finished first :) I might reconsider the Master in a few years :) I definitely think he redeemed himself in the end :)
Thanks for the video! I admit I am so terrible at keeping my tumblr updated, I'm planning to use Thanksgiving to really just to through all the video suggestions I've gotten and update that page :) I thought it was great :)
That's great! I'll definitely check it out, but it might take a while. I've gotten swamped with projects and writing so I might not be able to get to it till around Christmas/New Years :( Darn school/work/family lol :)
I think Ayla might be around Artie's age by now, in appearance. I can say that that episode with him and Angie will be...very fun ;) I've got a lot planned for Artie and Ayla, but no romance sorry :)
I'm not sure if something similar would happen with Angel, a king wanting to marry her, I can say that it probably won't happen in Nightmare in Silver for a few reasons, I sort of think I'll wait and see what the future of the show holds, I feel like I'd love 12 to be in a position like that instead of 11 :)