Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything in the Twiverse. I'm just playing around in New Moon with Rosalie.

Why an update on Thursday? Because I was working on another project, got cranky, and needed to do something to cheer me up. So thank you for always being so lovely in your reviews. Your thoughts truly make my day.

What Have We Done?

Chapter 37

Bella pulls her hand away, but neither of us makes a move to exit the car. The silence between us is contemplative but congenial, and I too am content to enjoy it.

"How did it feel?" she eventually asks.

"How did what feel?"

"Getting your revenge on your fiancé and his friends." She isn't looking at me, focusing instead on the hands now clasped in her own lap. "How did it feel?"

My eyes darken but for a different reason this time. "Amazing."

"Really?"

"Yes. Knowing that I made them feel what I felt, that paralyzing, cloying fear... knowing that I was strong enough to avenge myself without help from anyone else, that felt beyond amazing. At first."

"What do you mean?"

I snort, marveling at where even this thread of conversation will take us. "He tried to warn me beforehand... Edward did. Said vengeance wouldn't feel the way I thought it would. And before you ask, no. I hadn't asked his opinion. He invaded my most private thoughts and offered his unsolicited advice on a situation that had absolutely nothing to do with him."

"But you're not bitter about it."

"No. Can't you tell?"

We share a brief laugh at the expense of my former self.

"Killing Royce and those men made me feel like I was on top of the world," I continue. "For about a week. Which, for a vampire, feels like only a few minutes. But after the satisfaction cooled and the stench of their blood faded, I was still the discarded girl with no past she could claim and no future to desire. I was still haunted by what they did to me, damaged beyond what I even knew, and would never be able to escape the brutal reality of what I had now done. The weight of that... the realization of all that... it crushed me."

"God, Rose..." She nibbles her bottom lip. "I am so sorry."

"It's okay."

"No, it's not. Especially when I think about what I said to you earlier..."

"Like I said, it's okay. This is all in the past, Bella. The distant past and not just chronologically. It may sound bizarre to say, but I hardly think about those days now."

"Oh. So if I can just live another 70 years, maybe I won't think about my heartache anymore either."

I fight through the rush of guilt, refusing to give it place.

"It didn't take 70 years for me to get past it, Bella," I say carefully. "It just... it really just took one thing."

"Finding love with someone else?"

"No. Finding love within myself."

Bella blinks at me... before erupting into raucous laughter.

"Love myself? Wow, Rose... I would expect that Oprah-inspired, self-help crap from Alice or maybe even Esme, but I thought you were smarter than that."

When I don't reply, Bella's laughter slowly subsides. She glances at me, her words seeming to catch up with her, and she covers her mouth, shutting her eyes in shame. I didn't exactly expect these mood swings from her, but neither am I surprised. After being practically catatonic for what must have been months, the release of one emotion was bound to unleash many others.

But as healthy as that is, I cannot allow guilt to take hold. And if her facial expression is any indication, that's exactly what is about to happen.

"Listen," I say kindly. "I'm not telling you that giving yourself a hug or buying a Christmas tree is going to fix your broken heart. I'm not even saying that you're guaranteed a better life later just because you're hurting right now."

She keeps her gaze on her lap. "Then what are you saying?"

"I'm saying you have a choice." I rest my hand atop hers this time. "I'm saying that every day, you have the power to decide what you want, what you will and will not accept for yourself. And no matter what has already happened, nothing and no one can take that power from you. Unless you give it up."

"But how..." She shuts her eyes, her voice quivering. "How can I decide what I want or even find the energy to get it when all I do is hurt? I can't... I can't even go to school without falling apart some days, and the one time I try to just be normal, I..." She shakes her head. "I just don't know how to do it, any of it."

"I know. Believe me. And you know what Esme used to tell me? 'You won't need to know what you need to know until you need to know it.' "

Bella mouths the words, her brows knitting in confusion.

"I mean, look at me and Emmett. Even though I loved him on sight and knew he was my mate, I had no idea how to love him or how to let him love me. And the 'not knowing' kept me from marrying him for an entire decade."

She looks up with wide eyes. "You didn't marry Emmett right away?"

"The family prefers to focus on how often we lived on our own and how many houses we destroyed on our notorious honeymoons. But they seldom discuss the reason our honeymoons were so significant. It took us—well, me—a very long time to get to the point where that could even be possible. And by 'that,' I don't just mean saying 'I do.' "

She blushes. "Yeah, I... well, of course that part would be difficult based on your... history."

"Exactly. And I didn't know learning all of that would take ten years, and I certainly didn't want it to take ten years. But because of those ten years, I became sure of myself, of Emmett, and of what I wanted. So even though it took ten years for us to really get started, the last 60 years have been the best of my life. So what I'm trying to say is..."

"I have to take it one day at a time," she murmurs. "Even if today sucks."

"Right. Because today will suck in a different way than yesterday, and tomorrow might not suck at all. Either way, you'll eventually look back on these days and maybe see them in a different way. Because maybe you'll be in a different place, wanting different things."

"Being a different me." She exhales slowly. "But first I have to make a choice."

"First, you have to make a choice."

Bella nods absently, her faraway gaze suggesting she's lost in thought. I turn away to give her some privacy hoping all this talking hasn't overwhelmed her.

"Okay," she says. "I've made a choice."

I nod with her. "All right."

"And I..." She looks up and holds my gaze. "I am choosing to get a Christmas tree."

The words are simple, but they warm my heart more than I thought they possibly could.

"Okay, then." I smile at her. "Let's go get a Christmas tree."

Thanks for reading—see you Saturday! XOXO