"After that I guess it just all fell apart. Nothing was the same. I had to get out, escape, evacuate..." sighing, exhausted by the recollection of the road to New York City she had walked Amanda Rollins leant over Nick Amaro's bedside and murmured, "... so I transferred up here."
"You know it sounds stupid, it sounds so dumb but sometimes I feel like I'm just waiting for something the whole time. You know?" he couldn't even hear her, she knew that, it was how she felt free to pour out her heart and ask rhetorical questions that neither she nor anyone else could answer. "As a kid all I wanted was the hell out of that life. I was just taking one breath after another waiting to get old enough to leave. It was always all about her. All day, every day, year in, year out everything any of us did was for her. She was all we talked about. She was the beginning, the middle and the end of every goddamn conversation and it wasn't that I loved her any less than mama and daddy did I just..." shaking her head sadly at the memory of her sister's tragic childhood Rollins sighed, "... well there was just no room for me in that house is all. She took up all the space. She filled every room. She sucked all the air out of it."
"My sister isn't a bad person..." her conscience demanded she clarify, smearing stains of mascara from under her eyes as she smiled with love, "... she's just too alive for this world. That's what mama always used to say. She's just too alive, Mandy. That's all. She's just too alive."
"M... mm..."
"Nick?" shunting forward in her seat she clutched at his hand, patting it lightly and giving it a gentle shake. "Amaro? Can you hear me? Can you hear me? Squeeze my hand if you..."
"Mmmmm..." came the gurgling, groggy stirring from Nick Amaro as he gradually began to stir his muscles to movement, "... Maria?"
"What? What's that you say, honey?" leaning over the bed and stroking at his face with one hand, while pressing urgently on the nurse's call button with the other Rollins' heart thundered in her chest.
"Maria?"
"No, no honey it's..." tears flooding her eyes she blinked them away defiantly, sniffing in a staunch refusal to envy a dead woman, "... it's Amanda. It's me. It's Rollins."
"Rollins?" peeling open his eyes and struggling for several long moments to focus Amaro finally managed to force words from his sandpaper dry throat, "What happened?"
"You've been through hell. You've literally been through hell Nick, but you made it back..." clutching his hand tightly she gave it a firm squeeze and smiled whisperingly, "... you survived it.
"Excuse me, I'm sorry I'm just a little lost I'm trying to find..." glancing uneasily around the hospital reception a windswept blonde pulled a face, "... actually you know what it's fine. I'm gonna just..."
"Kathleen?"
"Olivia." Stated Elliot's middle daughter, feeling already traitorous just saying her name out loud after already having lied to Kathy as to her whereabouts.
"You looking for your Dad?" asked Olivia, watching the young woman the middle Stabler daughter had become shifting weight awkwardly between her feet. "He's right upstairs with Eve..." then, seeing how difficult this was for her Olivia offered, "... but I could ask him to come down here if you like?"
"No, no it's fine I..." hesitating a moment before lifting her eyes and venturing uncertainly, "... do you wanna grab a coffee or something?"
"Me?" asked Olivia, quite startled by the suggestion and the nervous warmth in Kathleen. "I mean sure, sure we can get coffee."
"I know they always tell you it's the worst thing you can do but I did some research online. I looked up what the baby, I mean your baby..." swallowing with a suddenly dry mouth Kathleen held her coffee mug like a crux and corrected, "... my Dad's baby."
"Just call her Evie." Suggested Olivia, attempting to ease Kathleen's obvious discomfort.
"It's pretty serious isn't it?" the visible concern in Kathleen was heart rending to Olivia, realising that despite her cynical suspicion there was no ulterior motive to her hospital visit.
"Yeah, yeah it is."
"But even if the treatment works, even if she survives this then I read that there's like a sixty percent chance that she'll have something wrong with her brain or her hearing or..." as a potential biology major, even contemplating a medical direction to her future Kathleen was fiercely smart and more able than her siblings to deal with life's realities, "... sorry, is this weird? Is it too much?"
"No, no it's..." bizarre, she wanted to add but couldn't. Nothing about the situation was familiar, and trying desperately to do and say all the right things in order to retain the goodwill of at least one of Elliot's children was a pressure Olivia was in no state to handle.
"You make him happy, Olivia."
"What?" refocusing on the conversation, having spent several moments in some distant hell in which Eve's future was marred permanently by her illness Olivia stared hard at the suddenly composed blonde across the table.
"They tried to hide it. Maureen had the best years so she doesn't want to see it and the twins were too young to. I knew though. I've known for years that things weren't right between my mom and dad. I love my little brother but all having Eli did was make the pretending harder for all of us."
"Kathleen, sweetie..."
"He's smiling again. My dad smiles again now. For the past few years he's just been walking around in this cloud of anger and resentment. Like he was so freakin' mad at the world but he couldn't let it out for our sake or in because he'd go crazy or something. Then about a year ago it was like he was suddenly his old self again and then these past few months before the baby got sick he's just had this stupid, cheesy grin on his face the whole time..." realising that which her siblings were yet to Kathleen saw the world not in black and white, but in the grey that had saved her father, "... and it's because of you."
"I'm sorry that it all had to play out this way. I'm sorry for what's happening to your family." Were the words that Olivia needed to say, and despite what she might have thought, were the ones Kathleen still needed to hear.
"I'm sorry for what's happening to yours." She replied, choking Olivia with the sudden realisation that for the first time in her life she had one. It might have been on its knees but she had a family to call her own. "I brought this..." reaching into her satchel bag Kathleen produced a plush pink rabbit with floppy ears and oversized feet, "... for Evie."
"It's adorable, thank you..." her smile broadening, deeply touched by the gesture Olivia tentatively ventured, "... you know, if you wanted to, we could go up and find your dad and you could give it to her yourself?"
"Yeah?" buying herself a little thinking time Kathleen furrowed her brow and held Olivia's gaze. Though it still weighed heavily on her conscience that she was in some way betraying her mother there was a maternal warmth that radiated from Olivia and it was intoxicating. She could not hate her. Worse than that, she couldn't help but like her.
"Only if you want to."
"I think..." swallowed Kathleen, drawing the bunny back into her chest and hugging it lightly, "... I think I'd like that."
"Most mothers would be climbing the walls right now but she's sat in there building bridges with a girl who has every right to resent the hell out of her..." tuning his head to Elliot a glowingly proud Don Cragen nodded knowingly, "... that's love, son. That's one hell of a woman you're calling yours."
"I know." Replied Elliot simply.
"How's it going?" asked Cragen, to the detective who had become closer to a son than a co-worker over the years. "Liv mentioned you have one foot in the door at her place now."
"I left Kathy and hired a lawyer..." clarified Elliot, knowing his captain's protective instinct toward Olivia required it of him, "... so I think it's fair to say that I'm in with both feet."
"That's a big step..." realising he had perhaps leaded a little too far toward understatement Cragen added with a touch more empathy, "... that's huge."
"I want out of SVU, Cap. I want to transfer back to narcotics."
"Back to the drug squad?" asked Cragen, with surprise. "How come?"
"When all this is over and Evie's well again Liv needs to go back to work. We can't both be at the 1-6. Not now we're..."
"And this return to work, you've just decided that for her have you?"
"She won't decide it for herself and you know it. She'll guilt herself into staying home with Mouse until she graduates from college. It's in her veins to give her whole self to that kid and I might need a tyre iron to prise them apart but she'll lose her shit being in that apartment day in day out..." laughing with a heart achingly loving chuckle Elliot shrugged, "... so I'll carry her ass all the way back to your squad room if I have to."
"Wow."
"What? You think I'm wrong?" asked Elliot, valuing his opinion immensely and though he might denying it even to himself he needed his approval. Especially when it came to Olivia.
"I think that I've spent a lot of time talking about how lucky you got when Detective Benson decided to tolerate you as her partner."
"Geez Captain, don't hold back..."
"But what has gone unsaid by all of us is how lucky she got."
"Huh." Breathed Elliot with gruff self deprecation.
"It was always going to take tough guy to exorcise the ghosts that haunt her..." acknowledged Cragen with a shrewd nod, "... but to gain her trust the way you have? I wasn't sure it was even possible."
"I haven't always deserved it." Admitted Elliot, in a tense jawed me culpa.
"You know when to kick her ass and when to hold her hand, and that kind of understanding between two people doesn't come along that often. Don't screw this up, Stabler."
"I don't believe in divorce. It isn't in my nature to go against my faith. I never thought I'd even consider either but this is different, this is..."
"This is Liv."
"I want it all with her, Captain."
"They're big words, they're fighting words. You got any weight to throw behind them?"
"I guess it feels like this is the scene in the movie where the guy finally gets the girl. Only in real life you don't just get to walk off into the sunset and have the credits roll, you know?"
"That'd be too easy."
"I told my lawyer I want this quick and clean. I won't fight Kathy for anything but my kids. She can keep the house, the car, anything she wants. I don't want to make this any harder than it already is for any of them. All I want is to be able to be there for my kids..." shrugging his shoulders and fixing his eyes on Olivia through the glass he murmured, "... and to wake up next to her every morning."
"So this is real then..." noted Cragen, with a rush of warm hope for two people he cared so deeply and dearly for, "... you're really all in."
"I haven't been this sure about anything in my whole life..." replied Elliot unflinchingly, "... I wouldn't have turned my kids lives' upside down if I wasn't."
"Well then."
"She was right there, Cap. All this time. Everything I ever wanted and all I ever needed was sat behind the desk opposite me and it took me over a decade to realise it."
"You realised it."
"What?" asked Elliot, twisting his face curiously as he turned to Cragen in question.
"You realised it a million times over, and I should know..." eyes twinkling Cragen smiled, "... because I was the one fielding all the crap from IAB every time the pair of you let it get in the way of doing your damn jobs."
"Yeah, yeah I guess I'm sorry about that."
"I'm not. It was worth it. It was worth it because look at her..." tossing his gaze toward Evie as she lay gently clutched in Kathleen's trembling arms on the other side of the glass Cragen beamed, "... just look at that child, Elliot."
"I know."
"Detective Rollins?"
"No."
"I'm old, detective..." chuckled Cragen with a laconic smile as he stumbled upon one of his newest recruits sat on a low wall outside the hospital, "... not blind."
"Please..." entreated a red eyed Rollins, turning away in shame as she hiccupped back a sob and insisted, "... please captain, just let me be."
"Everything okay?"
"Fine."
"Only it wouldn't take a detective as long in the tooth as I am to observe that..." tugging up his slacks and taking a perch beside her he added kindly, "... that isn't really true, now is it?"
"This isn't me being coy, captain. This isn't me not wanting to tell. God knows I'm pretty much an open book to you at this point but this isn't about me..." rubbing her tired eyes and sniffing staunchly Amanda sighed, "... at least mostly it isn't."
"I understand."
"I have this friend."
"I see."
"He's really in trouble right now."
"Do I know this friend?" asked Cragen calmly, searching her face for the whole truth.
"No." She lied proficiently, without so much as flinching. "No, no you don't. He's an old friend from the South just moved to the city."
"Adjustment issues?" prompted Cragen, fully committed to the conversation.
"He's been going through some stuff. A lot of stuff. Life's been pretty rough on him for a while now and he's suck lower than I've ever seen a person go..." flicking her eyes away from him she added softly, "... and I know what rock bottom looks like."
"It's not pretty." Nodded the captain, having been there himself more than once. "But from what I've learned this guy already has the greatest thing a person who's fallen down can have."
"Yeah?"
"Someone willing to give him a hand up."
"I can't."
"No?" asked Cragen, brow furrowed curiously as he attempted to understand a woman he was learning was every bit as complex as all the other detectives in his squad. "Because of your own struggles?"
"No, no that's not..."
"It's okay, you don't have to..."
"I don't know all that much about him. A rough history maybe. We were on the job together for a while but he kinda keeps himself to himself, you know? He was just there. We got along. Between the badge and his family he was off limits, he was just a friend..." lowering her eyes and confessing out loud that which had been torturing her every minute she had sat at Nick Amaro's bedside she added quietly, "... until suddenly..."
"He wasn't?" offered Cragen, knowing the picture she painted all too well. "You're not the only one who's ever been there. You know that, right?"
"I know. I know that but still, you won't say anything? I don't want the guys at the squad to know you saw me."
"We all have something, Rollins."
"I get that."
"I haven't told anyone this. In fact I don't have to read the fine print to know it's breaching just about every code of conduct and ethics in the book even thinking about it but..." shaking his head, seeming suddenly to be somewhere else, somewhere other, somewhere darker and bleaker than she dared to go with him, "... well I don't have a lot of people in my life Detective Rollins."
"Captain..."
"And the ones I do are in no place to hear what I have to say right now." Thinking of Benson and Stabler huddled at their sick child's bedside his heart ached for the selfishness that so desired to confide in either one of them right now.
"Everything alright Captain?"
"No, no not really."
"You wanna go to a meeting?"
"No I want to drink."
"Cap..."
"You wanna know the sick irony? The reason I want to drink..." lowering his eyes and hesitating a moment before lifting his gaze and trusting Amanda Rollins' he swallowed, "... is because I have second stage liver cancer."
"She's going to make a full recovery."
"Oh my..." so all consuming was the relief in Olivia she fell back a little, clutching at Elliot's arm and swallowing, "... oh thank God."
"We've done a full work up of tests and though she's still a little out of it from the meds she's fully audio responsive. We'll continue to monitor her over the next few days and check for any abnormalities in cognitive behaviour or neurological reactions but so far so good guys..." smiling broadly, heartened to be delivering good news for once the doctor added, "... your daughter is a real fighter. It's a very small percentage of kids her age who can take this illness on and come out unscathed. She's a special little girl."
"Yeah, yeah she is..." choked Elliot, draping his arm around Olivia and drawing her into his chest to press a loving kiss against her temple, "... she really is."
"I'm gonna leave you two to take this all in but as soon as the nurses are done they'll let you back in there to see Eve."
"We owe you everything doc..." proffering his hand and shaking the doctor's hand vigorously Elliot affirmed, "... thank you."
"El tell me that actually just happened?" mumbled Olivia, a little numbed by it all. "Tell me I didn't imagine that she's gonna be okay?"
"You didn't imagine it. She's gonna make it. She's gonna be just fine. She's gonna be back to her old self in no time..." lifting his hand to her face he grazed her cheek lightly with his knuckles, "... and we're gonna get to take her home. Both of us."
"I can't breathe. I daren't. In case I wake up and none of this is real..." closing her eyes and holding them tightly shut Olivia murmured, "... it can't be real."
"You're wide awake, partner..." sliding his hand to the nape of her neck he stroked softly at warm skin and breathed, "... and this just got very real."
"We're really gonna do this?" she swallowed, still holding her breath a little. "You and me?"
"You and me..." he nodded affirmatively, his lips twisting to a grinning smile, "... and Evie Grace."
"Don't say it, El. Don't make me promises you can't keep. I couldn't bear to lose you now. I couldn't handle it. So don't, please, don't..." lowering her eyes to the floor and feeling a flood of every emotion she hadn't allowed herself to over the past week Olivia murmured with a wilful tearfulness, "... unless you mean it."
"My lawyer is drawing up divorce papers as we speak. Kathleen is gonna fetch some more of my stuff from home and bring it over to your place. We're gonna live in a shoebox and spend the whole time falling over each other and all of Mouse's baby crap. She's gonna be stunted in her growth from not being able to get a full sized bed into the closet we're calling her room. We're gonna fight and argue and it's probably gonna be hell most of the time but I swear to you that we are promise I can keep."
"You're such an idiot!" she half laughed, half cried. Beating at his chest with lightly clenched fist before falling into his arms and hugging him tight.
"Sure, sure and more fool you because now I'm your idiot."
"I think I can handle it."
"This is real. This is real, this is us and it starts right now..." kissing her deeply he pulled away only fleetingly, to broker a devilish grin and add, "... from here on out you're stuck with me Detective Benson."