A/N: All characters in this story (other than my own OC creations) are the property of JKR. I am happily borrowing her wonderful world. Updated 02/19/12
Chapter 37 – A Lure for Power
In a mist of confusion, Andrea slowed to a walk as she entered her workshop. The tasks that had consumed her attention only an hour before had now lost all importance. If there had been any observers in the room, they might have noted a look of deep bewilderment etched upon the woman's face, the need to understand the truth obscuring all other thought. A slight trembling extended upward from her fingertips to encompass both the hands and the delicate limbs in its clutches. In her current mental state, Andrea appeared to be in a trance.
The sudden weakening caused Andrea's body to sway like a willow in a gale until she lost the power to stand. With a twisting lurch, her energy finally gave out, and she crumpled dismally down upon the small stool next to her workbench, relieved that at least this small portion of her world had not yet shattered.
Why had it happened again? It was true that her friends had not been privileged to hear the proper explanation of her husband's mission, so they couldn't the truth. Even she did not know all the details, but Andrea had assured them that everything was fine. Her words had urged of trust, yet her friends had continued to pry into their affairs. In a repeat performance, they'd somehow found a way to renew the accusations that had been laid to rest only a few weeks before. Like a swarm of evil specters, the perceived horrors from Severus's past had once again become the target of suspicion.
After the draining conversation with Jack and Amy, Andrea's world had grown considerably darker. It hadn't taken long before the inevitable flow of tears began to stream down her face, sapping the last pinch of strength from her soul. She was so tired. The depth of her sorrow smothered her thoughts as her mind folded in upon itself like an Origami nightmare.
On top of everything else, she felt sorry for Russell. How had he gotten mixed up in all of this, and why was he so stubborn? Did he think that by persistence alone he could pull her away from the man she truly loved? It was more than just his ego. The man's thoughts were wrapped in a false perception of gilded hope.
Whatever it was that he expected to see or believe her to be, he was wrong. But despite his single-minded talk of love, Russell was going down a very treacherous and misleading path, and Andrea knew in her heart that it was partially her fault for not standing up to him and forcing him to see the truth. Guilt began to join the already entrenched emotions of fear and despair and made itself at home in her bruised soul. And then she cried for Ellenore.
Why had the gods given her such a beautiful daughter only to steal her away? The resulting hole loomed black and dark before her, yet her own sorrow meant nothing. If she could only believe that her baby was safe and in a loving home, maybe that would be enough. Yet as Andrea's thoughts focused on the Malfoys and their treachery, she knew her daughter was doomed.
Trying to push the thought of her lost baby aside as best she could, Andrea's mind returned relentlessly to Severus. No matter how hard she tried, the flicker of doubt that had embedded itself like a barbed fishhook in her heart began to fester, and it was not a spell-induced reaction this time. Instead, a swarm of questions stung her tormented brain. Was her husband capable of the horrible acts her friends so blatantly suggested? Was he the kind of man that could kill another – that could enjoy the torture of a human soul? The final question simmered to the surface in an ugly blister. Was Severus evil?
Her miserable mind held no answers, and lacking the strength to pull herself out of the vortex of misery, she put her head down on her arms and cried. Her sorrow was released in deeply consuming sobs. Sooner than expected, the torturous gasps ended as exhaustion took control. In a non-magical spell, the drug of sleep became her escape.
Severus found her there, fast asleep at her workbench. Gently, he shook her awake, her red swollen eyes blinking up at him with confusion.
"Severus …" she said blankly.
Mystified at her condition, Snape felt her forehead, wondering if she was ill. "What in Merlin's world is the matter with you?" he asked, his voice filled with growing concern. Seeing no reaction to his words, he did the only thing that made sense. He pulled her up into his arms.
Realizing her husband expected an answer, Andrea started crying again, not even attempting to hide the tears. With a muffled sob she tried to explain. "Everything," she whimpered. "Just everything."
Unfortunately, her weeping had garbled the reply to such an extent that Severus couldn't understand a word. Frustrated, he maintained his hold and tried to get her to look at him. And she did. It was the only thing she wanted to do. She stared up into his eyes, searching for answers as his obsidian orbs bored down into hers. Both of them wanted to understand the other, and neither held back.
In a rare unhindered exchange, there was no use of Occlumency that night. Severus opened his mind completely to her, but without guidance, Andrea had no way to even begin searching for his old memories. The only thing she saw was love. The emotion radiated from him with a powerful, possessive quality, and she bathed in it, drinking it in like a restorative healing potion. As she did, her confidence returned.
Severus felt her come back to him, but he saw something lurking beneath her love. Was it distrust? Or fear of him? The reasons behind the feelings were indistinct, but the emotions were thick and sinister. He needed to see more, but he knew he must practice patience. It was obvious she was in a delicate state, and he needed to be careful.
"Come," he said. "The time is late, and it is clear you need rest."
Andrea allowed Severus to take her by the hand, and together, they made their way into the apartment. Before attending to his own needs, he helped her undress and guided her to the bed, his presence and touch never far away. By the time they retired, the mantle clock had already struck two. Quickly he removed his clothes and followed her into bed.
Instead of pulling Andrea against his chest, Severus turned her flat on her back and laid his frame tightly up against hers. His long leg wrapped around her body with the tenacity of a vine. The two held each other's gaze as solidly as before in an intimate continuation of the earlier moment.
He waited and watched. Soon, Severus's patience was rewarded, and Andrea began to speak.
"Amy called me tonight. She let me talk to her friend Jack Thorp. You remember. He's from the American MBI."
Severus remained quiet, but he was beginning to understand.
Feeling his long arms tighten around her, Andrea found the courage to continue. "Ellenore was moved again," she said. "Jack thinks maybe she's in Miami, Florida."
"What else did he say?" Severus asked; his tone remained completely controlled as he continued to probe.
"Where do I begin?" Andrea sighed and decided the best approach was a direct one. This was not a time for games. "They're still trying to find something against you. Jack thinks you might be giving me a love potion."
"He's a fool," he hissed. Severus had finally cracked. "You know that's ridiculous."
"Jack said they found evidence of a potion you'd created in your Newt-level potions class …" She paused and added the last sentence like a death curse. "He said it was a clear, red liquid that smelled like lemons."
As the importance of her statement hit Severus, his mouth opened slightly, and a mere twitch of his eyebrow signaled he understood.
Severus had lifted his hand to stroke her cheek, and the action brought his forearm into view. Unable to stop herself, Andrea's eyes wandered down to the faded tattoo that she'd seen so many times before, the skull and snake barely visible on his pale, white skin. Unable to stop, several hot tears escaped down Andrea's cheeks as she waited fearfully for his answer.
The answer was simple, and one that Severus felt he could share without harm. She knew most of the story already. "Yes, I made that potion, but I never gave it to anyone. I made it for Lily. You know how I felt. It was a ridiculous dream. I wasted hours brooding about how I might get her to take it." Trying to keep from looking away, he blinked as the embarrassment of his teenage delusions flooded his brain. Sighing, he admitted angrily, "I was young and foolish and … in love."
As Andrea stared up into his eyes, she could see visions of Lily in his head. They were misty old thoughts of him kissing her. The visions were plainly dreams – faint images without substance.
"I think I understand. But why was that potion so similar to Potion 286?"
"It is difficult to describe exactly," he began with a frown, wanting to make sure the explanation was clear. "It's because it has many of the same ingredients. But you saw how many separate items go into our potion – over a hundred. You must understand. It's how the ingredients interact that makes them work together and allows us to sing our harmony." Unable to resist, he took his finger and stroked her cheek again, this time wiping away the tears.
"So you've never given that love potion to anyone?"
"No," he answered with absolute truthfulness, hoping she would be satisfied with his answer. "It did give me high marks, however."
A weak smile flashed across her face before it quickly disappeared.
"There's more, isn't there?" he said, his impatience returning. "What else did Jack say?"
Andrea's lip began to quiver. "I know you've never shared this with me before, and I never wanted to pry, but I have to know." She needed all of the courage she possessed to continue. "You've told me you did some … bad things as a Death Eater, but you never told me exactly what you did."
Severus hadn't expected this. The shock of her question caused him to turn away as and lay his head back against the pillow. In the process, his hair had flung across his face to instantly cover his features. What could he say? The truth was going to be very, very painful. He'd been putting this off – hoping it would never come up – hoping that he could keep this buried and forgotten.. But he knew he couldn't hide it forever.
"No!" she demanded. "Look at me, Severus." Her hand flew to touch his cheek, but she held it there unmoving. She did not want to force him. The decision had to be his.
They'd both come a long way to get to this point, he thought, and it was Andrea's accepting nature and unconditional love that had allowed him to avoid this pit of vipers for so long. Slowly, he turned his head back to her, closing his eyes at first as he tried to think. He knew she deserved answers, but he had to answer some self-directed questions first.
Did he love her enough to tell her the truth? Yes, without a doubt. Would he lose her now because of it? There was that chance, but he couldn't think of that now. All he could do was pray she loved him enough to at least listen, and if she changed her mind in the end, then he deserved it. He also knew he had to open his eyes and look at his wife. No matter what the result, he had to allow her access to the hell that was his past, and it wasn't going to be easy.
"All right," he said and blinked his eyes wide open. With all the courage he could muster, he watched as his wife's eyes grew to be glassy, blue tunnels. "Look at me," he said. "Look at who I am. I knew I'd have to do this some day, but please …" He tightened his grip on her to give himself courage. "Please, Andrea, listen to what I have to say."
Ever so softly, she replied, "I will."
Pausing to focus, he began in a strong, clear voice, "Most of what I will show you will not be pleasant, but it will be the truth. To start, I must take you back to when I began in the Dark Lord's service. At the time, I performed mostly spying missions. You know me well enough to understand I have many talents that allow me to excel as a spy. My stealth and observation skills, for example, were perfect for the Dark Lord's tasks. He recognized that I had a certain knack for being in exactly the right place at the right time to be able to gain precious tidbits of information. I used those skills to help the cause, as you might have guessed.
"But I also helped to interrogate the enemy, to get information that was impossible to retrieve in other ways. If they were unwilling to reveal their secrets – if those wizards that were against us refused to cooperate, then … I …" he paused briefly and swallowed hard. "If we couldn't get them to talk – to tell us what we needed to know – we applied ... more persuasive methods."
Andrea's heart jumped in her throat. My God, she thought. It's true!
He saw her expression, and it hurt him – hurt his soul.
"Please, let me continue. We used Veritaserum at first, and that, in itself, is quite harmless, but as time went on, the Dark Lord wanted more. It no longer mattered if our targets had information to share; he didn't care. It was the manipulation and the pain – always the pain. He used any excuse and sometimes no reason at all – whatever suited his purposes at the time. Sometimes he Crucio'd his victims, but many other methods were used. Each time it would go further and further, and we'd watch in eagerness as he drove them all mad. Mad with the pain – mad with fear or … simply mad."
Severus's eyes had grown darker as he spoke and remembered. "I was the one that made the potions for him, the special preparations that he loved. I became quite creative, and he was quick to praise my devious talents. It was his way to stroke his servants into bending to his will. He knew each of us so well, and his gift for manipulation ensured a strong and happy army.
"I was an easy mark. He knew I craved power and recognition, and he was willing to accommodate my meager needs. And so I fell into his hands willingly. My creations became evermore evil and complex as the months went by, until I crossed a line. The serums became extremely strong and could cause incredible, unthinkable pain. Some were slow acting to allow an antidote to be given if they cooperated, but others were quick and would drive a person to the brink of insanity.
"Severus—"
"No, not yet," he cautioned. "You have to understand how it was. The potions I created were never meant to cause any permanent physical damage. But they could destroy a person's brain, if used improperly – or, as he wanted the potions to be used." Severus paused and took a deep breath. "While it is true that I never actually administered the potions to anyone, I was the enabler. But I, too, sank to his level numerous times – using the threat of torture to turn people our way – to make them cooperate. I loved to see the fear in the enemies' eyes."
Pressing his lips together, his expression turned cold as he continued. "Before I joined the Death Eaters, as I've told you, I felt that I had no control over my life, over what was happening to me. The Dark Lord gave me the power I was craving. When he began recruiting, he told us that he was trying to preserve the wizarding way of life, and that the only way to do it was to gain control of the world – the Muggle world. He thought it was only right that the wizards rule. Pure-blood magic would guide and direct the entire populous, to a utopian vision of perfection. The earth would be entirely controlled by wizards."
"My God, Severus," Andrea breathed in anguish, trying to understand.
"I hated my Muggle father and everything he stood for. So desperately did I want to break away from him that the lure of this perfect world was impossible for me to resist.
"In the beginning, I joined because … well, I wanted to be part of that power, to show everyone that I, Severus Snape, was someone to be feared, that no one could push the scrawny, little half-blood kid around any more. The Death Eaters seemed to appreciate my intelligence, and they wanted me despite the fact that I wasn't a pure-blood myself or that my family wasn't rich. You have to understand. It was very easy for me to believe that it was the right thing to do."
He was clutching her painfully and staring down at her – his eyes wide with intensity.
"In the beginning, no one got hurt," he continued. "But, as time went by, I witnessed things – bad things that went way beyond simple fear and intimidation. The Dark Lord fell further and further into his need to inflict pain and torture. It wasn't just the enemy he punished. His minions were just as likely to be targets if we displeased him."
"I think the worst thing was that I watched. I watched the Dark Lord use my potions, and I didn't do anything about it. As the months progressed, as I've already told you, it finally sunk in that I had to act – had to do something, but … I wonder. If he hadn't threatened Lily, would I have had the courage to rebel? To stop the horror? Would I have ever seen the Dark Lord for what he really is?"
Andrea had been watching his wild, frantic eyes – watching intensely and seeing into his mind. It was impossible to pull herself away. She saw all the old memories – visions of frightened, terrified people – felt his need for power – saw the Dark Lord's victims. And in the end, she was repulsed by it and angry at his concealment. There was only pain as she felt the horror rise like bile in her throat.
The final visions focused entirely on the Dark Lord. Severus's memories witnessed Voldemort's true character and the ecstasy as he toyed with his victims, spending hours torturing the lot till death became their only release.
While Severus relived those ghastly images, Andrea became intimately aware of his emotions, and she felt something he hadn't admitted. It was regret. With each vision she watched and each experience she observed, she felt an intense underlying feeling of his pain. He hated his part in it, and she felt his frantic desire for release.
The sensations were extraordinarily vivid. The intensity with which she shared his thoughts was more powerful than any she had experienced in the past. She was overwhelmed by Severus's pain. She felt it stab her, crush her, as if she was right in the room with him – watching Voldemort. Somehow, his memories were becoming her memories – like they were connected in some way. This was more than just Legilimency. It seemed like they were one being.
"You couldn't stop him," she gasped in sudden understanding. "I can feel you wanting to. I can feel your desperation."
"Andrea," he cried out, feeling her in his mind. His eyes were still staring at her, but they were suddenly filling with tears. The humiliating droplets fell unwanted onto his cheeks, causing a surge of anger, and still he held her gaze.
"I should have done something – fucking anything," he cursed in agony. "I should have died trying. But I just stood there and watched. Only someone despicably evil could do that. I am evil – just as evil as he is." Severus swallowed a sound that was somewhere between a whimper and a sob as the hurt and emotion crushed him. The guilt had been building in him for over a decade without release, and now it exploded out of him.
Andrea had never seen him like this – so vulnerable, so exposed. "No, NO! You are not evil. You eventually broke away, didn't you? The Dark Lord – he's the one that's evil. You are nothing like him. Didn't you tell me you felt like a fog had been lifted when you realized you had to go to Dumbledore?"
"Yes," he said his voice coming in ragged gasps as he tried to stop the flow of raw emotion that was escaping his soul. "But why didn't I realize sooner? Why did I let it go so far?" He was fighting for breath – crying out in his agony, "How many people did I watch die?"
He could stand no more. Scrambling away, he pushed her aside and leapt out of their bed.
"Severus!" Andrea cried out. "Don't go. Please."
Ignoring her pleas, he grabbed his clothes and fled to the sitting room, slamming the bedroom door behind him. Andrea could hear his muffled movements as he hurriedly dressed and then the final blast of sound as he slammed the outer door. He had gone.
Shocked by the things she'd witnessed, Andrea didn't know what to think. It was all too horrible. But she asked herself – what would she have done? Could she have torn herself away from them? Despite the rhetorical question, she knew the answer. She would never have been there to begin with.
But she was not Severus, and she had lived a different life. Perhaps he had done the only thing he could. No, she couldn't second-guess his motives. The truth was she had to believe he was a good man, regardless of the choices he had made in the past. She had to believe that she could trust him now.
Staring at the ceiling, Andrea knew she had to go after him. Briefly, she closed her eyes and sighed. There was no other way. Glancing at the clock, she saw it was already 3:15 a.m. Neither one of them would get much sleep. Rising slowly, she rubbed her red, swollen eyes and tried to think. Where would he have gone? To his lab in the dungeons? To his old rooms? Regardless, she would have to search until she found him, even if it took all night.
In a few minutes she'd dressed, her clothes a bit rumpled from where she had retrieved them from the hamper. Running a brush quickly through her hair, she started at the workshop, unsure where to go first. For some reason, however, she was sure he hadn't gone to the dungeons. As she walked, her shoes clicked loudly on the stones, the quietness of the night eerily enhancing every sound.
Without thinking, she turned right and headed toward the main hallway. As she came closer to the Great Hall, she noticed that the door to the teachers' lounge was ajar. A weak, flickering light cascaded in a wedge out into the corridor, indicating a fellow professor might be wandering about out of bed the same as she. Perhaps the occupant had seen her husband.
Gingerly, she pushed the door open and stepped into the glowing light of a single torchlight burning in a dancing display of orange flames. Sweeping her eyes from side to side, the room at first appeared empty. But upon further inspection, she saw a tall, thin man sitting up against the far wall. His head was turned away from her, hiding his features. The flickering torchlight aided in hiding the man's figure, and the nearby table cast a shadow upon his reclining form.
At first, Andrea simply stared at him. What was he doing in here? She noticed he was holding a large flask of liquid, which she soon realized was filled with Firewhisky. Shaking her head, she sighed and slowly approached him.
"Severus," she said.
There was no answer.
"What are you doing in here?" she asked.
She heard a low grunt come from across the room.
"Come on, talk to me," she requested in a soft voice.
Still, he evaded her request. Okay, she thought. It's time to get serious.
"Severus, knock it off. Come back to bed. This is ridiculous."
Her comments were greeted only by a chilly silence.
Trying another tactic, she walked to where he was seated and joined him, sitting on a bench by the wall. Grabbing the bottle, she tried to pull it away from him, but he held onto it tightly. At least he started to. After a few tugs, the bottle came away from his clutches, and she quickly examined the bottle. It seemed he had not had much time to drink as the flask was still quite full.
"What are you trying to do? Drown yourself in alcohol? That's sort of a cowardly thing to do—"
"I am not a coward," he growled loudly, his voice booming through the small room.
In response she glared at him, her eyes narrowing. "Oh, so if you're not a coward, why did you run away? Are you afraid of me?"
"Give me that bottle back," he snarled and snatched the container away from her. "And while you're at it, take your snooping arse out of here and leave me alone."
"I will not. And stop calling me names, damn it."
"Ah, so my little pure-blood wife can swear. How sweet. Little Miss perfect. Why don't you go and play with all your perfect little pure-blood American friends."
"Stop it, Severus."
Turning his head, he sneered at her with an evil twist of his lips. "Your little show of pity is nauseating. I, for one, do not find your emotional outbursts amusing, so I would appreciate it if you would kindly leave me alone."
"You selfish bastard. How dare you!" she hissed.
Lifting both his eyebrows, he crossed his arms and nodded, "Yes, excellent. You are finally learning something. It's simply amazing how stupid you are. It has taken you almost a year and a half to understand one minor principle. I am, indeed, selfish. And when, sometime in the next century, you finally realize I am also a liar, a cheat and a murderer, well, then you can take an A plus. Until then, you may take your leave and get out of my sight."
"Damn it! You are not only selfish, you are filled to the brim with self-pity. You're absolutely drowning in it. Poor, little Severus Snape. Running away from the world with your tail between your legs, forgetting your obligations, forgetting that you have two daughters and one on the way. Just because you think you're not good enough, you think you can give up and—"
"Shut up!" he finally interrupted, his voice firing the words at her like a cannon full of anger.
"I will not, you … you coward," she repeated.
"I told you not to call me that, you old hag."
"Hag? Oh come on, you can do better than that," Andrea frowned, but somehow the word hag had hit a funny bone. Maybe she was tired, or maybe she was just sick of this, but she started to smile. Within seconds, she was laughing, her hands clasped over her mouth to stifle the giggles.
"Are you mad?" he spluttered, his eyes widening in disbelief as he stared at her.
Lowering her head as she laughed, she fell forward into his lap, her giggles flowing out of her in waves.
Frustrated, Severus grabbed her shoulders and shook her. Startled, Andrea looked up in his eyes, their faces only a few inches apart. Both were frozen, not knowing how or what to say.
Suddenly, there was a loud bang as the lounge door burst open and slammed against the wall. In a flash, Severus was up on his feet.
"Oh, Professor Snape," Filch announced. "I didn't know you were in here. Is everything all right, sir?"
"Quite," Snape answered in a snarl.
"Well," Filch answered. "Pardon the interruption. I'll just be on my way." The man made one quick glance back as he eyed Andrea suspiciously. She remained in a pile on the bench where she had fallen off of Severus's lap. Smartly, Filch ignored her and backed away and out of the lounge, shutting the door tight behind him.
Holding out his hand to his wife, Severus silently waited, his head tilting to side.
Allowing him to pull her up, Andrea fell neatly into his arms. As he had done so many times before, he crushed her tightly to his chest. But instead of bestowing a kiss, he laid his cheek on the top of her head. Deeply, he sighed.
"Will you be coming to bed now?" Andrea asked innocently.
"Missy …" he said in a low but meaningful voice. "I am still the same man I was. I cannot change. My past is a part of me. It is who I am. If you love me – this … this beast is what you love. I don't want to hide anymore. I just…" The words caught in his throat, and he couldn't speak.
She looked up at him and searched his eyes. His expression had changed. It was an odd look – a combination of defiance and fear as if he was expecting bad news – trying to protect himself.
"Why are you looking at me like that? Did you think I'd changed my mind? Did you think all this would make any difference? I love you. I've said it a thousand times, and I'll say it a billion more before we're dead and gone. You can't get rid of me that easy. Severus, what you did was very bad. I'm still trying to digest this – understand it. But, I still love you."
Silently, he continued to hold her. Finally he added, "The Dark Lord must be stopped. Maybe you were put in my life to give me the strength to do it – I don't know. But his reign must end. I think you understand now. Perhaps it is our destiny."
She nodded and said with a weak smile, "Mr. and Mrs. Spy?"
He frowned. "It's not funny. And there may be things I'll have to do alone. Things you can't know about or see."
"No, Severus. Not alone. Not anymore. That's got to stop."
"We'll see." Finally, he kissed her. "Come. Let's get back to bed." Suddenly, he was very tired. "You realize the MBI can probably find out all that I've told you – every disgusting detail. You also need to know that I've done some dueling. I killed several people, but always in self-defense. At the time it wasn't illegal to make those torture potions, so they can't get me for that."
"Jack thinks that when they find proof, the ministry might arrest you."
"They've already put me on trial once," Severus replied. "They won't do it again. By the way, can you tell Jack to back off a bit? If he keeps this up he'll find out about my mission, and we can't risk exposure."
"I'll try."
Arm in arm, they made their way back to bed. It wasn't long before they were again lying together under the quilts, their bodies bound together in a tight embrace.
At first, they both laid there quietly not sleeping, but soon Andrea heard Severus's breathing change as he escaped into slumber. She felt his arms relax slightly, but she continued to hold him close. Despite his revelations, she knew she loved him. She had become lost in it, and that would never change.
But the need for power that he craved – was he over that? Would he be tempted again? And could she live with it if he was? Even after the long night and the closeness they had shared, Andrea still had more unanswered questions.
But, in spite of the worry, she cuddled into his warm body and thought about their future. Hopefully, there would be no more surprises.
A/N: Sev finally trusts Andrea to let her see his pain. Did you like the chapter? Any comments? I would love for you to write me a note. In any case, thanks for reading. A special thanks to my beta Fainting Fancies and also to my loyal reviewer: Wendy Waddles.