"Is that the baby right there?" I point at the little white monitor with the little green lines streaking across it and ask my mom. My stomach feels like it's tightening into a little ball. I've been contracting for about an hour now, and I must say that it's not that unbearable. It doesn't hurt as much as it feels uncomfortable. It feels like my stomach is just shriveling up. The hospital bed is probably the best part about right now. It's really comfortable and bigger than any other hospital bed I've ever been in. I think it's a little foolish of them to dress the beds in all white sheets, but what do I know?
Joe's lying in the bed next to me, because it's big enough. It's 1:30 in the morning and he's tired. I'm tired too, but I couldn't sleep even if I wanted to. I could sleep through the pain right now, that's how miniscule it is; the pain isn't the problem. I'm afraid that if I go to sleep, I'll miss something. That's the problem. "You should really get some rest, babe." Joe settles in next to me and puts his head on the pillow we share. He's about to go to sleep and I don't understand how. "When it's time to really push, you're gonna be tired." He pulls covers over me and tucks me in.
"I'll be fine." I hush him up and point at the monitor again. "Ma, I said is that the baby?" The green lines are popping up at regular intervals, like she's breathing nicely. I really wonder what's going through her little mind in there. I won't lie; I'm SO excited to meet her. I can't wait to see what she looks like. I'll be she looks like Joe but with more hair. My mom looks up from the blanket she's folding and nods at me. She's folding blankets and organizing everything. She doesn't know that I plan on keeping the baby yet. I want to surprise everyone. I'm really trying not to get too attached to Sofia though. Dr. McLean and her husband still have to walk off hospital grounds with her, so I don't want to be too disappointed when I can't take her home with me.
I grab my phone off the little end table next to the bed and check my notifications. No text messages from anybody, probably because everyone that's important to me is at this hospital right now. My mom packed me two little bags. One is my own personal bag full of my toiletries like my toothbrush, toothpaste, body wash, a towel, a wash cloth, my phone charger and my iPod. The second bag is my clothes. I have two pairs of pajamas and an outfit to go home in, plus my hairbrush and a couple pairs of socks and clean underwear. We didn't bring a baby bag, because nobody knows that I plan on keeping her. Plus, I don't have anything I'll need for a baby at home.
I look down at the white belly band they put on me to hold the monitors into place. One of the monitors checks my baby's heart rate and the other monitors my contractions. On the white paper that's spitting out of the machine, my contractions are being graphed. I don't really know how to read the contractions graph though. Dr. McLean's not even here yet. This little blonde nurse is taking complete care of me. She started my IV and she's coming in every now and again to check and see how my baby's doing. "Mom…. Can you go out and see if Selena's here? If she is, can you tell her to come in? Can you give her Dallas's pass for the time being and have her come in here?"
"Yeah. I'm gonna send daddy down to the cafeteria to get me something to drink. Do you want me to tell him to grab you anything while he's down there?" She hovers over me and places her hand on my stomach. "Want me to tell him to get you some juice? Sofia wants something to drink." My mom's been trying to get me to eat something since we've got here. I don't want to eat or drink anything because I'm afraid I might throw it all back up. "You shouldn't be dehydrated while you're on that IV, baby. It'll mess your belly all up. Drink something, okay?"
"Yeah, fine. Tell him to grab me an apple juice. And please don't forget to tell Selena to come in here. I want to talk to her about something." I make that part clear again. Selena should be here by now. She texted me and told me she was on her way about a half hour ago. She's the only person I told about keeping the baby. She knows that I plan to. She's the one that fully talked me into it through text messages. I told her not to tell anybody though. My stomach tightens up again for another contraction just as the labor and delivery nurse walks back through the doors.
"How are we doing?" She sounds cheerful and almost as excited as I am to meet my baby. She checks my monitors out. "I walked in on another contraction, eh?" She smiles and keeps looking at the screens, reading them. "You're progressing very nicely, Demi. I'm gonna check and see how dilated and effaced you are. If you haven't progressed, I might start you on some Pitocin so we can definitely have a baby today." She pulls on a pair of blue gloves and lifts my gown and blankets up below. "Take a deep breath for me, sweetie…" I take one and as soon as I do, she sticks her fingers up and inside me. I swear nobody's fingers should ever be this deep inside anyone. "You're almost seven dilated. You're completely thinned out which is an excellent thing. I'd say we should have a baby in no time."
My guess is that Sofia didn't like that woman's fingers too much, because as soon as the woman takes her fingers out, Sofia starts to move slightly. When she moves, the monitors on my stomach start going crazy. They beep so loud that they wake Joe up beside me. It sounds like an alarm for a grocery store just went off. Like somebody just tried to break in the store and the alarms are blaring. It's so loud. "What's happening? What's wrong? Is Sofia okay?" I look at the white screen as my nurse checks it out again.
Joe pops his head up and yawns, suddenly becoming alert. "What's all the beeping for? The baby's okay, right?"
"Demi, Demi, I need you to calm down, okay?" My nurse pulls on another set of gloves and goes back down between my legs. "The baby's cord is prolapsed, which means she's under a great deal of stress right now. I'm just going to move the baby so that some of the pressure is off her cord. The baby is in a panic right now, because she's not getting any oxygen." The nurse sticks her ENTIRE HAND up inside of me and uses her free hand to manipulate and maneuver my stomach. I feel her moving Sofia and it's not a pleasant feeling.
"Owww…. Owww, oh my god…" I grip Joe's hand and bear with it. "Babe, it hurts…" She keeps turning Sofia's body inside me. "Ahhh…" Joe kisses me on my cheek and keeps holding my hand. "Owwwwwww…." The nurse pushes on my stomach and keeps turning Sofia more and more and more. Finally, after everything, my water breaking, the contractions starting and dealing with the contractions, I start to cry. "Where's my mom? Oww…"
"It's okay, baby. It's okay… it's for Sofia. Just think… it's all for Sofia." Joe presses his lips to my temple and whispers in my ear. "It's gonna be okay…you can take it, baby… you're strong. Just think about our little girl." He holds my hand and tries to calm me down a little. My baby is so cramped up inside me that it's already a tight squeeze. Turning her is the most painful thing about labor so far. Joe stops kissing me for a moment and looks up at the nurse. "Is Sofia okay now?" I can tell that he's worried but he's trying to act calm just to make me calm too. If you want the truth, I'm freaking out a little. I didn't read about umbilical cord prolapse in the baby book. I couldn't bring myself to read about the things that could go wrong with the baby. I didn't want to worry myself. I even skipped the chapter on Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, because just knowing that I drank a couple beers in my early pregnancy still sticks with me.
"I don't want you guys to worry too much about your baby. It'll still be at least an hour before you start pushing, but we're definitely going to speed things up. We were looking at having a baby by about 9 a.m., I want her out by about 3 now. I'm gonna page Dr. McLean and let her know that she should be here in about an hour or so. I'm gonna give you a couple doses of Pitocin so you'll dilate faster, and if you want an epidural, I can get that started for you too, because the Pitocin's gonna make your contractions come on VERY strong."
"…What if I don't want the epidural RIGHT NOW? Can I like… see how bad the contractions hurt before I actually get the real thing? I just don't want the baby to be born all drugged out and high. But if the pain is unbearable I'll go ahead and get it…" I stroke my stomach and try not to concentrate on the severity of the matter. Something's wrong with Sofia's umbilical cord and as far as I know, the umbilical cord is her lifeline. But I'm not concentrating on that. I'm concentrating on how excited I am to find out what my baby looks like. "I've read about the epidurals and I saw that the baby could be a little lethargic and messed up when she comes out…"
"Yeah, you could do that." She walks over to a small table and turns on a light above it. I think that's where they're gonna put Sofia after they take her out of me. The nurse sets up a teeny little oxygen mask and wires the oxygen tank to it. Is she anticipating my baby needing oxygen? "Dr. McLean should be here shortly." After she hooks the oxygen up she comes back over to me and hooks my IV to another little bag. "I'm starting the Pitocin right now, so in the next few minutes you should be feeling very intense contractions, alright?"
"Alright." I rub my tummy some more. "You don't wanna come out, do you? You really want to stay in mommy, don't you?"
Joe starts rubbing my stomach too. "Well too bad. Daddy wants to know what you look like. You're gonna be beautiful like your mommy, I can already tell." He grabs my hand and slides the ring he bought me back on my ring finger. "I owe your mommy an apology, Sofia. Daddy's a dickhead, isn't he?" Joe holds my face still and kisses me like he means it. "I love you, babe. Always and forever."
Just as Joe stops kissing me, the door opens up and in comes my mom and Selena. "You're in labor! I knew when I saw you the other day, your big ass was ready to pop." Selena immediately comes over to me and kisses my forehead. "You're lookin' gorgeous, Dems. I can't wait to meet lil Sofia Aurora." Selena's in a pair of plaid pajama pants and a baggy plain white hoodie. She must have just rolled out of bed to come here. "I brought you guys something." She hands me a diaper bag. It's pink with brown polka dots all over it. It looks really expensive and equally pretty. The zippers on it are gold and there are tons of compartments on it. She leans down and whispers in my ear. "I thought you might need some things that you don't have for her, so check it out once you get a minute. Most of them you can use when you get her home."
"Thank you so much Selena." I reach up and give her a hug. "I don't know where I'd be without you, babes. I love you too much." I really do love Selena. I don't know what I'd do without my best friend. I really wish I had some way to repay her for everything she does for me, but when I think about it, there is no way to repay her. I just hope she knows how much love and respect I have for her. She's the true definition of my very best friend. "Sofia can't wait to meet you either, auntie Lena. She told me." I let her go and clear my throat to explain everything that just happened and what they missed. "…So, her cord is prolapsed and they want to get her out very soon. So the nurse put me on something to make me have contractions and as soon as Dr. McLean gets here, I'm gonna start pushing. The longer she stays in there with a prolapsed cord the more danger she's in."
"Did you get the pain medicine yet?" My mom's face grows wary with worry. I shake my head. "Demi, you're gonna wish you had that epidural. TRUST ME. And this is your first baby? Yeah, you'll wish you had that epidural. Trust me."
"I think I can do it without it. The contractions aren't hurting me too bad."
I can do it all natural. The women back in the stone ages did it without medication, so I can too.
"Demi, look, look! Open your eyes!" My mom swats me softly on my face, trying to convince me to just open my eyes. I keep them shut tight, so tight I have a headache. I shake my head at her. She puts her hands on my shoulders and shakes me. "Demi, just OPEN YOUR EYES!" I bite my lip and keep my eyes shut tight. I don't want to open my eyes. If I had it my way, I'd even shove scissors in my ears if I could shut the sound up. I don't want to see or hear anything. Please give me the strength to ignore this.
They're taking her home and there's nothing I can do about it. Even if I tell them that I'm keeping my baby and raising her myself, they'd still have to walk off grounds with her. And because I signed the papers, they can do whatever they want with her after I have her. I relinquished every single right I have as her birth mother to them. I wish to god I never did, because this is too much. I wish she'd stop trying to get me to open up my eyes too, because it's not gonna happen. If I see her, I'm going to go to jail, because I'm NOT going to let them walk out of this hospital with her. I'm doing all this just to give her to them. I'm pushing and giving birth to her NATURALLY, with NO pain medicine… just to give her away for the time being.
Joe's staring between my legs. The last time I opened my eyes up, the expression on his face was one that I couldn't read. Because I can't see him, I use my sense of touching and feeling to know what he's doing. He rubs my thigh and kisses me on my cheek. "You're doing so good babe… so good." He's crying, and pretty hard I might add. "Just open your eyes and look… look, babe… it's beautiful…." He sniffs and leans down to kiss me again. "Open your eyes up, baby…" He sniffs once more. "It's the most magical thing I've ever seen…"
He's really starting to annoy me. I'm not in the mood for kisses and cuddles, especially while I feel something ripping me from the inside out. "LEAVE ME ALONE!" I grip the blankets on my bed, writhing in pain. "Oh god…" I feel like someone just set fire to my legs. Holy fuck this hurts. "I want an epidural, please… PLEASE…" My vagina is burning. It feels like I'm pushing out a watermelon. I know giving birth is a hard thing to explain, especially to men, but just imagine pushing out a poop that's the size of a watermelon out of your butt. "PLEASE GIVE ME THE EPIDURAL… PLEASE… I'LL DO ANYTHING…" My head is throbbing and I'm going to be sick. "I'm gonna puke…" Joe holds the throw up bucket beside my head. "I want an epidural, please… I can't do this…" I can't stop crying. It hurts SO badly.
"Demi, it's too late for an epidural, sweetie. We have to do this natural. The way you wanted to do it. It's too late honey." Dr. McLean positions her hands between my legs. Well no shit it's too late. My baby's head is partway out of my vagina and you're telling me it's too late? Of course I know that it's too late, but please, just shut up and let me agonize. I open my eyes for a second. "Her head's already out of you, it's too late for an epidural."
"SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" I chomp down on my lip and groan. "Uhhhhh….. Owww…." I lean up and see long, straight black hair coming out of me. It's either my pubes or my baby's head. Oh my god! Is that blood?! Is that MY blood?! There's a big puddle of it sitting between my legs. Oh, I'm gonna be sick… "I need to throw up… I need to throw up…." Joe shoves the bucket to my face again. I just turn my head and open my mouth and it spews out, like acid boiling and burning my throat.
I shut my eyes again and lean back. "Push for me, Demi… you have to push the baby out honey. Don't stop pushing…" I feel Dr. McLean pulling below me. I swear I am pushing. I swear I am. It hurts so bad… Please stop…. Please stop… I push down with my butt and strain my lower body muscles. "That's it, Demi! That's it… just like that… nice, big push…"
"Oh my gosh!" Dallas exclaims in my ear. "Oh my gosh, Demi!"
Joe kisses my cheek again and holds me. "She's beautiful, babe…" He kisses me on my lips even though my eyes are closed. "Just think about the live she's gonna have… She's gonna have a better life…" I think Joe's trying to convince himself more than me, but I need some convincing too. I want to give my baby up. I don't want to raise her. I don't want to… but this is so hard. I'm going through all this pain for nothing, in the end. I still want to give her away, even knowing that I AM keeping her. It's just hard and confusing. Hard, because I can guarantee her a good life with Dr. McLean. But keeping her with me and Joe… we'll love her more than they ever could.
Dr. McLean pulls slightly and I feel a big relief down below, but still a little strain. "She's cute! Look at all that hair! Happy birthday sweetie…" I hear Dr. McLean suctioning out what I assume are her nose and her mouth. "One more big push Demi. Gotta get the rest of her body out." I push once more. It hurts SO bad, oh my god. I'm SO tired, all I want to do is go to sleep. I'm exhausted… "And…. Here she is. Definitely a little girl. Definitely Miss Sofia…"
Joe buries his face in my neck and starts sobbing. "She's gonna be so happy, baby… She's gonna be so happy…" His tears drench my neck. I guess it'd be a good time to tell him that we're keeping her, huh? On my chest, I feel a heavy little weight. I don't hear crying, though. Why isn't she crying? Is she alright? I keep my eyes closed though. If I see her, I'm going to jail. I feel it. "She's gonna be so happy… We're giving her a better life…" He whispers in my ear. "We're doing this because we love her…" I reach up to comfort him.
Down below, something else is coming out of me. I can feel it. I can feel it slipping out, causing me pain. Another?! I swear there was only one. There was only one. I grit my teeth and bear down through it. "UHHHHHHH…." I bite down on my lip. "AHHHHHH…" I breathe heavy and lay back. "SOMETHING ELSE IS COMING OUT OF ME, JESUS FUCKING…" I've never cussed like this in the presence of my mom before, but I don't care about ANYTHING right now. "HOLY SHIT… OH… OH SHIT…" I grab my bed sheets and pull them. My mom is still trying to get me to open my eyes. "LEAVE ME ALONE!" My body constricts down below. "Leave me alone… god…" My eyes are still shut, I couldn't tell you what the baby looks like. "Wh…What is this?!"
"Demi, please just OPEN YOUR EYES. Just look…" Dallas speaks up this time. "She's so pretty, Demi…"
"I DON'T WANT TO…." I grip the sheets and bite my lip. "WHAT'S COMING OUT OF ME?!"
"OPEN YOUR EYES!" Dallas screams.
"WHAT'S COMING OUT OF ME?!"
"It's your afterbirth, now OPEN YOUR EYES AND LOOK AT YOUR BABY!"
I open them up, but look at the ceiling. The light in here is harsh, nearly blinding. My stomach is flat, like a deflated beach ball, but lying on my chest, I feel it. I feel her, rather. Inside, I feel empty; like something is missing. Part of me is missing. She's missing. On the outside, I feel her on my chest. She's heavy, warm, wet, slimy and not very noisy. Against my forearm, I feel something wet and oozy. Whatever it is slides down my arm, leaving a nasty trail. As it moves around, it tugs something inside me. Something that will finally separate us, once it's cut off. The same something that caused so many problems. The same something that I wish would be cut off already, because it's a pain in my ass. I don't want to look at her. I don't want to hold her. I don't want her on me. I want her OFF.
Joe's not looking at her either. He's crying in my neck. I can't comfort him if I can't comfort myself, though.
"Mommy, please…. Please…." I keep my eyes locked up at the light. I don't see anything below my neck. When the oozy object touches my face, I still don't flinch. It's sticky and it moves. It's not until then that I realize it's a hand that's touching me. She's touching me. My eyes are bursting with tears. I part my lips, my jaw shaking. "Mom, PLEASE… PLEASE…" Below my neck, I feel jerky movements. I can see a doctor hovering over me, obviously cleaning her off like she's dirty. Stop rubbing her so hard! She's gonna hurt her! I'm not sure why I care about her getting hurt, but I do. And I was right. The doctor's movements make her cry. A loud, screechy, ear ringing yelp that sounds something close to desperate for relief. I can't do this. "GET HER OFF ME! Mom, PLEASE…. PLEASE GET HER OFF ME…." My heart is just breaking. This is too much for me. It's too much…
Joe seconds my notion. "Take her away… Please just take her away."
"Take 'er away, now…" My mom senses that we're being serious and she swats the doctor away. The nurse that's cleaning the baby snips her pesky umbilical cord and takes her away. From her cord, deep, dark red blood spews out. So much blood… A huge pressure is lifted off my chest as the doctor does what my mom asks. I can still hear her crying. I can't do this… I CAN'T do this. I put my hands up beside my cheeks and plug my ears. No… no….
"Can you take her out of here? I don't want to hear her crying, mom. I don't want to hear it." I bring my sore arms up to my face and cover my eyes. I can't stop crying. I wasn't prepared for this. I really wasn't ready. "Mom…. Mom…." I beg her. Please help me… please. "Mommy..." Joe pulls away from me, still crying. He walks over to the table they took the baby to. Why is he looking at her? He isn't supposed to.
"Demi, it's okay… it's okay." She rubs my back. "I know… but you just have to calm down… you have to calm down a little bit." She grabs a disinfectant wipe and cleans off my face where she touched me. "It's okay. You're okay." While my mom keeps wiping off my face, Dr. McLean works down below my waist. She's patching me up and cleaning me down there. There's so much blood… I'm gonna throw up or pass out… whichever one comes first.
"You tore pretty bad… probably should have done an episiotomy…" Dr. McLean talks to me from below my waist. Her installing my stitches hurts pretty bad, but it's really nothing compared to the pain I'm feeling in my chest. My heart hurts so bad. I want to take her home with me. I want to have her sleep on my chest and I want to be the one to introduce her to her new house when I finally get the okay to bring her home. I'm hurt.
"Demi, do you wanna hold your baby?" A nurse walks over to me and stands in front of my face so that I HAVE to look at her. Joe's close behind her with his hand on the white bundle. I DON'T WANT HIM HOLDING HER OR TOUCHING HER. It's bad enough with me getting attached to her. I don't want to see his face when we really have to let them take her home. "She's a girl, and she wants to meet you." She's holding a white bundle of human. From what I can see, she's wrapped in a white blanket and it has a pink hat on her head. The hat has a frilly pink bow in the center of it. "She wants to meet you…" Well I don't want to meet her. Not right now.
"NO!"
My mom starts, "Demi you should at least—"
"I SAID NO! I DON'T WANNA HOLD HER. I don't want to see her…" I take in a deep breath and my chest heaves in hard sobs. "Just…. I don't know. I don't want to see her…" My heart aches. My heart hurts so bad…
My mom puts her hand on the nurse's arm and pulls her aside. "Just let me have a minute with my daughter, please. Don't take the baby away just yet…" She mutters in the nurse's ear. The nurse nods once, steps away and hands the baby off to Joe. Joe stares down at her, crying. He gives her a smile. WHAT IS HE DOING? My mom sits down on my hospital bed and holds my hand. "Demi…."
"Mom, I can't do this….. I can't do this…. I thought I could, but I can't. I really can't…." I put my head on her lap and just cry. "I can't hold her… I can't hear her… I don't wanna see her. I just can't do this…. Mom, it hurts… it hurts so bad… it hurts… I feel like… like I'm gonna die… it hurts."
"Demi, listen to me." She kisses my cheek and presses her lips directly to my ear. "That is your baby over there in Joe's arms. YOURS. Not mine, not the adoptive couple's. YOURS. I know it hurts baby girl. And I want to take all your pain away. I think you should hold her. It's okay to bond with her, she's yours… she's yours. It's okay to love her. You can't go without… you can't go without holding your baby, Demi. You'll regret it more, trust me… If you wanna hold your baby, hold her. She's yours. She belongs to you."
I nod softly. I reach over on the little stand next to my bed and grab my glasses to put them on. "….Can I hold her?" Now that my mom got me thinking more clearly, I realize that I don't want the adoptive couple to be the first ones to hold her. I want to hold her before they do. Even though I can't take my angel home with me, she still needs to know that I'M her mommy.
The nurse walks back over with a pink bundle now. Did she switch the blanket? I squint slightly. It's my blanket. It's the blanket I bought for her… the pink one with the purple silk liner all over it. That's her. That's my baby. Sofia. I hold my arms out, and the nurse leans down to put her in them. Oh my god… oh my god. My stomach churns, but it's a pleasant feeling. "…Hi, Sofia." I sniff and introduce myself to her. "I'm mommy… I'm your mommy, pretty girl…" I can't help but smile at her.
Have you ever held your baby for the very first time?
If you're still following my story along, I think it's safe to say that the majority of you probably haven't. If you have, you most likely already know what I'm about to say. You understand this feeling that I'm going to attempt to explain.
When you hold your baby for the first time, it's like a totally different universe. Like it's just you and this wonderful little person you just made. And nothing matters in this entire world, because this little baby is in your arms. Like the planets are all aligned and everything in the world is right. Like even the outside world couldn't penetrate this… this perfect little universe you've got surrounding you. Nothing else in this moment could be more… more… right. It's unlike anything I've ever felt before. It's a wonderful feeling. Like a high. A high that I've never experienced. A high that no narcotic in this world can give me. I feel… high.
Joe leaves out of the room, I assume to go alert his mom and dad and Frankie and anybody else out there in the waiting room.
I think about all the places she just came from. The inside of my body, down the birth canal and out through my vagina. Looking down at her perfectly crinkled, pink little face, I don't see traces of blood or my guts. I know it's still there, though. But for some reason, I don't care. I press my lips down to her soft, pink skin and give her a kiss on her forehead. Her hair sticks to my lips and I pull her hat down to cover it. Dallas was right, she is beautiful.
I study her. Her head is sort of pointed at the top, but I read in my baby book that you can shape it out to be round if you need to. Her face is chubby, red and pink and extremely swollen, yet incredibly flawless. As if she already has my attitude, her lip is poked out in a pout. She doesn't have eyebrows yet, but the shadow of where they're going to be is there, and I can tell that they're going to be very thick. Her nose turns up slightly, allowing me to see inside it. The shape of her eyes mirror mine, big and round, but they're very bright like Joe's. Her lips are perfect, making a heart shape at how they round and point. Beside her mouth, a tiny beauty marks rests, just like the one that Joe and I both have. Like my hairline, hers starts on her forehead. Very thin above her eyebrow line, her hairline starts, and as it makes its way to the top of her head, it thickens. I peel back her hat to look at her hair. She has TONS of it. It's all matted and still wet from the blood. I can't even see her scalp that's how thick and brilliantly black and shiny it is. My god, she's beautiful. Beautiful Sofia.
"I told you that would make you feel better…" My mom hovers over me and watches us. "That takes everything away, doesn't it?"
I nod really fast. "Yeah…" I grab Fia's hand and put my index finger in the palm of her hand. Her long, purplish fingers spread out and grab ahold of my one finger. It's amazing how she needs her entire hand to grab just one of my fingers. I can't believe I considered not even holding her. I don't want to let her go. She's not very big. She's a tiny little bundle, but she's sure got some weight to her. She's kind of heavy. "What were her stats?" I ask my mom.
"7lbs, 8oz. 20 inches long. She got here at 4:53 a.m. on September 4th. And she's Sofia Aurora McLean." My mom tells me everything.
"…No she's not. She's a Jonas, mom." I kiss my baby's forehead again. "I decided last night, before I even went into labor that she's a Jonas and she'll always be a Jonas." I stare down at her in admiration. Maybe I'm biased, but she's the most beautiful baby in the entire universe. "I've been thinking about it too…" I stroke her tiny fingers. "I think her name's going to be Sofia Dallice-Marie Jonas. Dallice, spelled D-A-L-L-I-C-E… for my sister. And Marie after Selena Marie. I like that name, don't you?" I can't stop rubbing and loving on my baby. She's too perfect for words. "Sofia Dallice-Marie Jonas… I think it's perfect."
"Sounds a lot better than Sofia Aurora, I'll admit." My mom sits next to me and starts touching all over Sofia. "When you touch her, Demi… watch her little legs. They just gave her four shots, two in each leg. She's probably sore." Sofia reaches her hands up to her face and rests her chubby little hand against her chubby little cheek. Her fingernails are pretty long, but they look rely soft and pliable so I'm not sure if I should ask to cut them. More so than that, I don't want her to scratch herself.
Sofia turns her head in towards my chest and opens up her tiny little lips. "What's she doing?" I look inside her mouth and see a little bit of white filmy stuff coating her tongue. "Mom, what's she doing? What's on her tongue? And her eyes too? Is she okay?" I stick my index finger inside her mouth to wipe off her tongue. Sofia keeps her face burrowed in my chest with her mouth open. What is she doing?
"She's alright, Demi. That stuff on her eyes is to protect her eyes from viruses and such. Her face is like that because she knows you're her mama." My mom moves the blanket out of her way. "See? Isn't that crazy how they know their mommy right away like that?" Sofia keeps turning her head and widening her mouth. "She's looking for your nipple. She's hungry, see?" My mom teases Sofia's bottom lip with her finger, and she immediately starts a sucking motion. "She's hungry and looking for your breast. I'll tell the nurse to grab her a bottle."
I know I'm not supposed to. I know it's a terrible thing for me to do, especially since she can't go home with me. It's instinct, though. It's not the right thing to do. But I have to. My baby's hungry. I can't let her go hungry. It's like a hunch that I get, slightly animalistic. I untie the back of my gown and pull my left breast out for her. Can I get in trouble for doing this?
"Demi, don't." My mom puts her hand up but doesn't stop me.
I show her to my nipple, and naturally, she takes it in her mouth and sucks on it. I'm not sure if she's getting anything out of me, but she sure is sucking hard. "She's hungry…" I stare down at her. Her little cheeks bob with her sucking. I stroke her tiny fingers that rest on the top of my breast. "…How do I know if she's getting any?" I whisper. My mom separates Sofia's mouth from my breast. She keeps sucking for a few moments before she realizes it's gone. Once she realizes it was taken away, she starts whimpering like a little puppy.
"She's getting something out of there… she wouldn't cry over it if she wasn't." Awkwardly, my mom squeezes the top of my boob pretty hard. A little bit of clearish, whitish stuff trickles out of me. Ew. "Yeah, you've got a little something in there." She puts my baby's face back to me. "She's a good baby. Most babies don't latch on right away. Dallas never did, she was bottle fed. You did for a little while then I guess you didn't want it. Madison did."
"Yeah, my baby's a good baby… She's a perfect baby." I use my free hand to stroke her hair forward. No matter how hard I try, I can't get her hair to lie completely down. It sticks up and stands on all ends. She has such pretty hair. She's just so beautiful. "…Can you take a picture of this?" I kiss her hands and let her feed. Dr. McLean's going to be so angry with me after she comes back in from banking her cord blood. At this moment, I don't know if I even care. What I do know is that I'll kill that woman if she puts her nipple in my baby's mouth after mine. Sofia's MINE. Nobody else better EVER nurse her.
"Yeah, I got it." My mom grabs her camera and turns it on. "You know Demi, once you've got her in a sucking rhythm, you can squeeze the top of your boob every now and again to make sure she's getting enough out of there." She stands back at a suitable angle to take the picture properly. "And when she's nursing, make sure you rub her and let her know that you're still there. She'll like that skin-to-skin contact."
I look down and kiss my baby's forehead. Sofia keeps sucking on me hungrily. I can't explain how special this feels. To know that my baby needs me for something like food is just priceless. I feel like I'm bonding with her on the highest levels of bonding. I love her so much… "Mom, I don't think I can do this..." I don't even have to specify more than that. She automatically knows what I'm talking about.
"Demi… You agreed to it. You signed… you signed… You have to honor that contract until we can get it reversed, honey."
"That's why I didn't wanna hold her…."
"Demi, it's just for a little while. It'll be like two days tops. We don't have a crib for her anyway. We don't have clothes, bottles, pacifiers, a crib, a bathtub… Demi, we have NOTHING for her. So that'll give us time to get prepared to her…"
"But mom…" My jaw is trembling uncontrollably, and the tears that are running down my cheeks are so soft and plentiful that my eyelashes are clumping together from the wetness. Through my thick tears, I look back down at Sofia. Her fresh, pink skin still has a greyish tint to it while her eyes are little slits, closed. She has the chubbiest cheeks I've ever seen in my life. I peel back her hat once again, just to look at her hair. It's really shiny, very black and thick. I run my fingers along it, admiring the thickness and comparing it to mine. It's bone straight and still damp from being inside me.
"Demi, Dr. McLean is coming in now." Dallas stands behind my hospital bed and rubs my back softly. Oh no. I know why she's coming in here. I know what she's coming to do. Why did I sign those fucking papers? This isn't fair. I want more time. I want more time with her. She can't come in here. She CAN'T. She's MINE.
I sniff and keep my eyes locked down on Sofia. Her tiny hand trembles, reaching up and finally meeting her face. She grunts softly, falling into a deeper slumber while she keeps eating from my breast. I trace my fingers around her fingernails. She has short, stubby fingers. She pushes my nipple out of her mouth and rests. I guess she's full. Limply, and completely out of her control, her bottom lip breaks free from her top lip and forms a little black "O" shape. She looks like Joe while she sleeps. I can't help my impulsiveness. I lean down and kiss her soft, pink little lips. "Fia… Sofia…" My lips curl up into a smile. "Wake up, little face. Wake up…"
Beside me, I catch a whiff of cheap, floral-smelling perfume. It's the kind of perfume that Dr. McLean wears. From the corner of my eye, I glance over. It's her, standing with her usual dark blue briefcase and papers in her hands. She looks professional all of a sudden. Like she didn't just deliver my baby. "Demi, honey… it's time. Remember? The agreement says that the baby is to be confiscated immediately after birth, see?" She tries to keep her tone soft and as nice as possible. "That's your signature right there…" She shows me the papers, as if I don't believe her or didn't already know.
"Confiscated?" Confiscated? She's a baby, not an item. You can't just "confiscate" a baby like you confiscate a cell phone or a glass of beer. "Where are you going to take her?" I sniff again, staring down at her. "I thought the agreement said that they don't have rights until we officially leave the hospital. Not right away… I never agreed for you to actually take her right away… did I? I thought that paper just reiterated that I didn't want to hold her… I didn't agree for you to take her did I?"
"No, but as the eventual legal guardians of little Sofia, my husband and I are legally and parentally entitled to hold the baby whenever we please, and it just so happens that we want to hold her now. I just want to introduce her to our family. I thought we were all in agreement that you didn't want to…" She pulls out her clipboard and reads from it. "Hold, touch nor bond with adoptee prior to birth."
"Well, I changed my mind… I can do that, can't I? I wanna hold her…." I tuck my hair behind my ear and kiss her again. My little face is still sleeping cozily. She kind of smells bad, but not as bad as I was expecting her to smell. She smells like blood—my blood. "They can come in here to see her…If they want. But I want to hold her." I grab the crease of her blanket and unswaddle her. The yellow bracelet hanging around her ankle matches the ones Joe and I are wearing. "9-4-14. Female. B/O: Lovato, Demetria D." I bring her foot up to my mouth and kiss it. There's a bandage on it where the doctors checked her blood sugar.
She's so little. The plain white long sleeved t-shirt the nurse put her in is rising up around her chubby little belly. She has a yellow clip hanging out of her bellybutton where they cut her umbilical cord. Part of her cord is still hanging off. It's clearish-blue with vein looking things inside it. I thought it was gross when I saw Carlo's, but I don't find Sofia's remotely disturbing. I kiss her feet some more. "I can't believe you're the one that's been kicking me." I whisper to her. I really can't believe it. She's the one that's been jumping all around inside me. The diaper they put on her has a little yellow streak down the middle. "…Mommy, is her diaper supposed to be yellow?"
"Yeah, when the strip turns blue it means she's wet. As long as it's yellow, her diaper is dry."
I nod, only half paying attention to what my mom said. I pick Sofia's foot up into my hand and stroke it, trailing my fingers along every tiny bump that makes her little toes. The little white t-shirt she has on is super thin. I'm a little bit cold underneath this air conditioner, so I can only imagine how cold she must be. I wrap her back up into the blood-spotted blanket and hold her again. "She's so…." Beautiful doesn't describe how I feel about her. She's beyond beautiful. "…Incredible."
"….Oh my goodness!" I don't look up, but I recognize the screechy, high-pitched and suddenly annoying voice. I don't know why, but something within me just causes my body to… clench. I tighten my arms and feel myself get the chills. My hands tremble and my fingers tighten around Sofia's body. I feel like an animal. "Look how beautiful!" I shoot my eyes up, giving my mom a warning glance. My mom puts her hand up, signaling me to calm down. I lift my head and look up at Terri, Dr. McLean's mother. She reaches down, underneath my arms to pick her up.
What is she doing? "I wasn't done… holding her…" I look up, feeling my sweet little baby ripped from my arms. I feel bare; empty. Give her back to me… I wasn't done. I wasn't done holding her… "I wasn't finished with her…"
"We're going to take her out to meet the rest of the family now." James, Dr. McLean's husband looks back at me with a huge smile on his face. He lugs his big camera around while I watch his mother-in-law take my baby out of the room. She can't do that… can she?
"No, give her back!" I lean forward and desperately reach my arms out to them. "Please! I want my baby… I want my baby…" Below my waist, I feel the effects of the epidural wearing off. I feel like pins and needles are poking me. God, my womanly parts hurt. And I just want my baby. "Give her back!" The tears run off my face and down onto my hospital gown. I pull my covers back and swing my feet over the edge to get out of bed. Ouch.
"Demi, Demi just calm down! You're gonna hurt yourself!" My mom puts her hands on my shoulders and holds me down as I watch the couple take my baby out through double doors. "Baby… calm down… calm down. Shhhh…."
"No, no… mom! Mommy…." I rock forward, feeling the IV rip out of my arm. Fuck, that hurt. "Mom, they can't just take her! They can't just take my baby." My chest feels really tight. I can't breathe. I really, really can't breathe. "I need my baby… I need my baby…." I gasp for the air that I can't take in. "Where's Joe?! They can't just take her!"
My mom puts her hands on my cheeks and makes me look at her. "Demi… Demi…" She kisses me on my lips like she used to when I was three years old. "Sweetie, you have to calm down." I can't calm down. I can't breathe. I have to be choking. I have to be dying. "Moe. Moe…. It's mommy. It's me. Just calm down… calm down." She rubs my back. "Sweetheart… you knew this was going to happen. You signed for this… you signed."
"Mom, NO. I DID NOT…I just… I want my baby…" I plummet my face into her chest and take a deep breath. "I can't do this… I just can't do this…" I shake my head. "I wasn't ready…"
"…Demi…"
"Mom, just…. Give me a minute with her. Just give me a minute." Dallas walks over beside me and waves my mom away. My mom lets me go and willingly leaves us alone. I just don't know what to do anymore. "Mom… while you're out there… get them to bring the baby back. I don't care what legal shit they have to bring into it… just bring the baby back. Mother to mother, you should understand."
My mom leaves the room and Dallas sits down on the bed next to me. She lets me lie on her chest and holds me. "…Demi." Her voice is very soft. "….You know that… with all those legal things you signed…" She kisses my cheek and comforts me. "They HAVE to walk off the hospital grounds with Sofia." I sniff and reluctantly nod. "But… the birth mommy…. Has up to 45 days to change her mind about the adoption…"
I look up at her. "…Huh? I thought it was 30…"
"You have 45 days to change your mind. 45 days to take Sofia back." She kisses my cheek again. "You don't have to give up school… raise Sofia as a single mommy. You don't have to do any of that. You can live with Joe. You and Joe can raise her. We'll all help you. You know that." She whispers to me. "Or… you can stick to your plan. Give Sofia up. Let her live a nice life with her adoptive parents… and know that you did everything in your power to give your baby a better life. You decide."
I sniff again. "Dallas…. I decided last night that I was keeping her. I'm keeping her." Tears sting my eyes so badly that I can't help but to blink. "I just… I wish…. I just…." I shake my head. "I need to take her home with me. Dal, could you imagine not bringing Carlo home with you? How would you deal with not bringing him home?"
"Sometimes, it's for the better. You know? You don't have anything, Demi. No crib… bottles… Of course I'd let you use some of Carlo's things, but they can't share forever. Maybe them walking off hospital grounds is for the better. And No. I can't imagine not bring my Carlo home. I really can't imagine that."
"I always thought that I would never have kids."
"Plans change, Demi."
"I just want to hold her. And have my time with her. My alone time. I have to give her up tomorrow…. And I just want some time with her." I purse my lips. "That's all I want is to have my time with her. My baby. I just want to hold her… and have my time. That's all… I need her to know that I'm her mommy, and she'll be home with me soon."
"You made the right decision." Dallas gets off my bed and walks over to the door. "I'm gonna go see where mom's at."
I just want them to give me my baby back.
"Knock, knock!" A little blonde nurse cheerfully enters the room. "I came in to do some last minute checkups with little Sofia before your visitors come in." She stands over by the sink and starts scrubbing her hands with the green foamy soap. "How was her feeding pattern? Your mother said she had no trouble latching on?" She dries her hands with a paper towel and pulls on purple latex gloves.
"Um…she didn't have any problems latching on. She ate a little and went back to sleep. She latched on quickly after birth." I look down at Sofia in my arms. She's so precious. Her bottom lip is coming up over her top lip as if she's pouting. "She's been asleep since about… quarter to eight." I kiss her on her head and rock her slowly. I use my two fingers to form her hair in the shape of a Mohawk, but it's so soft that it doesn't hold.
"That's normal. That's very normal." She walks over to us with the clipboard in her arms. "Just gonna ask some questions…" She clicks her pen. "Mommy's name is Demetria D. Lovato, correct?" I nod. "And baby's full name is Sofia Aurora McLean? Or did we decide on something different?" I don't answer that.
"…I don't know." Next to me, my mom pokes her head up out of her book that she was pretending to read. I repeat myself. "I think I decided on something different… like Sofia Dallice Marie Jonas…. Sofia spelled with an F… Dallas spelled D-A-L-L-I-C-E. Marie spelled the usual way. …No hyphen." I just decided not to hyphenate her name right now. "Jonas is J-O-N-A-S."
"Are you having second thoughts about the adoption, sweetheart?" The nurse asks me, putting a soft hand on my shoulder as if she's supporting me. "We don't have to answer anything right now. We can leave these questions unanswered until you figure it all out."
I nod unsteadily. I feel myself getting ready to cry again. "I want her. I've decided to keep her…" I give my baby another kiss. She's my baby. She came from me. She's half of me and half of Joe… I love her. "Her last name is going to be Jonas… not McLean, but… ca…can you just leave the birth certificate blank? I haven't told the adoptive couple that I'm keeping her yet." The nurse nods at me. I look down at my baby again. Perfect, pink little lips on a perfect, peach little round face. Her eyelashes are so thick and luscious, she looks like she has mascara on. "Can I breastfeed her?"
"Sure, sweetie. You'll have to wake her up, which I'll do for you in a little while." The nurse reaches her gloved hands out and picks Sofia up out of my arms. "I'll get you started with that once I finish all her tests."
"Tests?"
"Yeah. I have to test her glucose, her hearing, her eyes, her temperature. I have to make sure she's completely healthy." I watch closely as she lies Bella down on an exam table. "Whoa, she's a pretty one." She takes off Sofia's blanket. "Look at those eyelashes…" She puts her finger on Fia's eyelid. I keep watching her. "Looks like we've got a doubler. She'll have to have these removed, you know."
"…What do you mean?" I sit up to get a better look. I'm still really sore.
"Looks to me like she has another layer of eyelashes. I'll get a doctor to look at them, but usually they need to be removed so they don't cause problems. It's very pretty, but it can cause a lot of problems for babies."
"Does that require surgery?"
"Yes. What they would do is make an incision underneath the second layer and pull out the follicles so they don't grow in anymore. Depending on the direction they grow in, she might need a surgery. If they don't cause problems, a surgeon might just leave them alone."
"What does that mean? What would I have to do so she doesn't need surgery?"
"YOU can't do anything. It depends if they're growing inwards or outwards. A lot of times with double eyelashes, they tend to grow inwards so when you blink, eyelashes would constantly get stuck in the cornea. But if they flare outwards, there's no need to remove them. Just by looking, I think hers are growing inwards, but I can't tell for sure."
My eyes sting with tears. "I don't want her to get surgery. I don't want them to do anything to her. I think she's perfect the way she is." I bet it's my fault for drinking while I was pregnant. It's all my fault.
My mom stands up and rubs my back. "Oh, Demi. Calm down. It's just a little surgery."
I sniff and wipe away a couple tears. "I don't want her to have surgery." I cross my arms and pout.
The nurse continues examining my baby. "Ooh, and she left her mommy a present in her diaper…"
I suddenly just get really excited. "Let me change her!" I should probably let Joe change her though, because he's deathly afraid of dirty diapers. But he's hungry so he ran down to the cafeteria for something to eat. If he was here, I'd definitely make him change her.
The nurse holds her diaper on her and brings her back over to my bed. "By the looks of it, this is her first poop. So it's not going to look like poop at all. Don't be alarmed if it doesn't look like normal baby poop." She lies Sofia down in front of me and hands me the tiniest little diaper I've ever seen. She hands me a little pack of wipes too.
I take her diaper off and look into it. It's all… black and sticky looking. Her little butt is all red. It's not peach colored like her face. "Is this normal?" I ask. I grab both her legs with my hand and hold her butt up to wipe her. I know how to change a diaper from watching Dallas change Carlo's and changing some of his pampers myself, but changing Sofia is like totally different experience. I'm not grossed out by her poop.
"Perfectly normal. Just make sure you wipe her front to back. With a little girl, you ABSOLUTELY have to wipe her front to back. Just remember, it's alright to get pee on or in her bottom, but it is NOT okay to get poop in, on or around her vagina. That could cause infections, rashes, and lots of problems for her down there. Always, always, ALWAYS wipe front to back." The door to my room opens up once more, and inside it walks Joe, Denise, Paul, Frankie, my 97 year old grandma and Selena. I guess Maddie and Frankie are too little to come in here. I'm still in the birthing room, but since they cleaned everything up I'm allowed more than three people back. Once they move me up into the suites, I'll be allowed to have any amount of people I want in my room.
"HEY GORGEOUS!" Selena squeals and walks over to me. "Ohhhh my GOODNESS, DEMI." Selena leans down and touches Sofia's face. "SHE'S SO PRETTY, DEMI!"
I smile and nod. "Yeah, she is." I look around and make sure Dallas and Selena are both in the room. Dallas is sitting in a corner on her phone, texting Rob, I assume. Selena's hovering over me meeting my baby. "…I have something to say to you two…" I speak up. "Dallas, get off your phone, I have something to say." She looks up and sits her phone down. "I've decided to name her Sofia Dallice Marie Jonas." I strap Sofia's diaper back on and pick her up. "Sofia because she's a princess… Dallice after my big sister… who's her god mommy… Marie after my very best friend, Selena… who is Sofia's godmother also. And Jonas, because Joe and I are keeping her."
Dallas looks at me with tears in her eyes, and Selena's just downright crying.
I know I made the right decision.
I feel it deep in my gut that I did.