Moonstone Cowboy

Rated: M.

Disclaimer: The Mighty Boosh and all related characters of course belong to Noel and Julian, Dave and Rich and Mike. We love them and we hope they don't mind us messing with them in some very peculiar ways. No money is being made from this effort.

Extra: It's been a while so apologies for anyone still reading this. I do have a pretty good excuse in that I was following Noel around Australia. 7 gigs in all and he blew my mind at each and every one of them. Anyway thank you and catch you soon. x

Moonstone Cowboy

Day 5 Part 4

"What's all this Mayor? Rolling out the red carpet for me? You shouldn't have!"

Howard steers his horse to a stop sideways on and a few metres in front of The Piper Twins and co. Vince follows suits but keeps his head low, his arm wrapped in pretence around his midriff. Dixon moves to the top of the steps.

"You been away overnight Sheriff? Anywhere interesting?"

"If you call going on a search and rescue mission interesting then I suppose so."

"Yes, I see you've found your missing Deputy. You're looking a bit worse for wear there son!"

Howard edges his horse a little further more in front of Vince's and answers on his behalf.

"No thanks to you Bainbridge."

Dixon points at Vince.

"Whatever happened to him was due to his own failure to comply Sheriff. I cannot be held responsible for acting upon the evidence before me."

"Evidence that you construed out of nothing at all."

"Tsh now, innocent men don't run."

"All men run sometimes Bainbridge."

Howard stares hard at the Mayor before nodding towards his men.

"So why the show of force? I'd like to be getting along home and the Deputy needs rest."

"If your Deputy needs rest so much how come he was out and about on his own since yesterday."

"Not that it's any of your business but Deputy Noir had a, how should I put it, a reaction to the medication and the whiskey in his system. I was lucky to find him at all actually."

Dixon frowns and cocks his head, closely analysing Howard and Vince's faces. Well only Howard's really as he can hardly make out the Deputy's at all.

"That sounds almost too good to be true Moon."

"Almost!"

Dixon snorts but continues to stare at Howard before The Sheriff eventually turns away and tightens his reins.

"Well if that'll be all."

"No Sheriff, that's not quite all."

From the corner of his eye Howard can see Eddie Piper's fingers lightly tapping the handle of his gun. He notes too how Eddie could easily get a shot away and hit Vince. He eases his horse forward a couple more steps to block the possibility of this happening before re-engaging with Dixon.

"What is it Bainbridge?"

Another of the men is stepping restlessly from foot to foot before a glare from Charlie stops him. Howard rests his right hand at the very top of his thigh. He doesn't risk taking a glance at Vince. He doesn't risk looking away for a second.

"Well as the lawman of this town Moon I thought you should know that I've had something very valuable taken from me."

"Taken?"

"Stolen actually."

"For something to be stolen Bainbridge it has to be yours, so was this something yours?"

"In a manner of speaking. At least it is more mine than anyone else's."

"And when did this theft occur exactly?"

"Last night."

"Last night, I see. Late was it?"

"Late yes. You didn't happen to see anything did you Sheriff, being that you were also up and about in the early hours?"

"Can't say that I did Mayor, although I was nowhere near here of course."

"Yes, of course."

Howard's feeling more and more uncomfortable with the turn the conversation is taking, not so much because of the 'I know that you know that I know' aspect of it, but more because he can't work out why Bainbridge would want to play these games so publicly. In fact a movement in Howard's peripheries tells him that their little conversation has not gone unnoticed. How could it really? The residents were getting curious.

On the opposite porch Jean Claude and Jack along with a couple of their customers were grouped just outside the door. Behind the line of Bainbridge's Boys, a good many metres back and in the shadows stood a larger group. And behind them near the goods store a larger group again. Howard tries to identify faces but the sun is too bright. Instead he squints back at Dixon.

"So then, this item, valuable was it?"

Howard thinks that maybe to keep talking is best at present.

"Too me it is invaluable."

"I didn't think there was anything in your life you held that dear Bainbridge, except perhaps money."

Bainbridge huffs.

"Now now Sheriff, no need for any of that. As it so happens this item is something I've had for many years. It's not so much dear to me as strange when it's not around. It may not have much of a function, but I like it when its near me. It helps to keep me..um..stress-free."

"Really?"

"Really! So, can you help me find it Sheriff or am I going to have to locate it on my own?"

Howard frowns. Where was Bainbridge taking this?

The crowd of people in front of the store has doubled now, and in fact they seem to be making their way slowly forward, eager perhaps to hear as well as see the exchange. Word spreads so quickly in a small town, and with the recent goings on between their Sheriff and their Mayor absolutely no-one wants to miss out on anything. More voices reach Howard from behind but he still doesn't want to take his eyes off of the gang.

Howard raises his voice a little so that everyone can hear him better.

"So what does it look like this item. I mean I'm going to struggle to help you find it unless I know what it is aren't I?"

Dixon however is no longer looking at him. Instead he's looking past him towards the end of the street. Howard continues to resist turning around, that is until the unmistakable tones of Montgomery Flange and Eleanor Hopkins reaches his ears.

"Mr Flange come back here. Why do you need to go interfering all of the time?"

"I'm not interfering Mrs Hopkins. I'm just going to find out what's happening is all. Please let go of my arm."

"Well if you're going then I'm going."

Lucien's voice now.

"Eleanor no. I won't allow it!"

"Lucien Hopkins, since when I have taken orders from you?"

"Eleanor please."

Howard finally turns around to see Monty and Eleanor striding purposefully towards them, Lucien scurrying along behind. There's more people gathered at the end of the street too, some of which also start to move forward. Howard puts up his hand.

"Monty, Mr and Mrs Hopkins, good morning."

The group stop in their tracks, still a small distance away but close enough to be easily heard. Monty speaks first.

"Howard, are you okay?"

"Fine Monty, I'm fine thank you."

"And young Vince?"

Howard sneaks a look at Vince who is still slumped over in his saddle, his hat casting a dark shadow across most of his face. He catches it though, a glimpse of sparkling blue and just the suggestion of a smile upon his lips.

"He's not so good at the moment Monty, but I'm just taking him home now. He'll be okay."

Monty nods and takes two steps closer. The crowd follow him. Jean Claude and Jack have also come to the rail of their veranda, and the goods store group have moved up level with the bank. Howard judges that everyone must now be in earshot. He turns back to Bainbridge.

"I'm sorry Mayor, you were saying?"

Bainbridge has gone a shade redder and his men are looking far less cocky. Howard's all too aware though that nervousness is as dangerous as anger amongst a group of armed men. He's just about to change the subject when another face walks through the crowd.

Ralfe White surveys the scene before passing between The Piper twins and stopping halfway between Dixon and Howard.

"Mister Mayor Sir, and Sheriff."

Ralfe doffs his hat at the both of them before standing square on before Dixon.

"I was told you needed to see me Sir."

Bainbridge looks as pleased at the distraction as Howard does.

"Ah Mr White, how good of you to join us. Yes, there's a small matter I need your help with. Would you be so kind as to join me inside."

Dixon waves his hand towards the door of The Bullet.

Ralfe nods.

"Of course Sir. And what about here?"

"Here? Oh there's nothing happening here. We were just giving each other some advice weren't we Sheriff."

"Well I believe you were telling me how you were robbed last night."

"Yes, well yes that's the gist of it. The Sheriff can't do too much about that at the moment though, what with an injured Deputy to take care of. Still I'm sure Mr White that you can offer me some assistance in the matter."

If Ralfe White is feeling nervous regarding his knowledge of how Bob Fossil disappeared from a locked room then he wasn't showing it. Howard was unexpectedly impressed. In another life he would like to be good friends with Mr White.

"Whatever I can do to help Mayor Bainbridge Sir."

"Good, good. Well then Sheriff I shan't keep you any longer. Maybe I'll come see you when you're slightly less... preoccupied."

A quick nod to Charlie Piper and the men lining the street move back up the steps and inside the tavern. Ralfe White follows suit.

Bainbridge pauses for a minute looking left and right and across to the various faces amongst the gathered residents. He can read a myriad of expressions on each and every one; fear, anticipation, excitement, worry, anger, confusion, but if there's one thing in particular that concerns him it's the expression of steely determination set into the small yet remarkably arresting eyes of Sheriff Moon.

There's a small waver in his voice as he speaks.

"Good day then Sheriff. I shall see you again soon no doubt."

"Not if I see you first Mayor."

Dixon Bainbridge purses his lips before turning on his heel and walking inside after his men.

Monty joins Howard as the rest of the onlookers disperse.

"What the hell was all that about?"

Howard shakes his head.

"I'm not entirely sure Monty. I think maybe he just wanted to remind me that he has muscle and fire power at his beck and call. Either that or he didn't count on you lot coming out of your houses."

"Do you think you just narrowly avoided a shoot-out?"

Howard let's out a deep breath.

"I dunno. I don't think so but I couldn't say for sure. It was getting a bit twitchy there before you turned up."

Monty smiles widely.

"See, I told you I was an asset."

"I never said you weren't old friend. I don't know why I've never deputised you really."

"Get away with yourself Howard, I couldn't think of anything worse. Besides I hate fighting."

"I think you're showing plenty of fight Monty. How are you by the way?

"Terrible. I haven't slept a wink. Still I'm alive and that's a blessing considering."

"So you're staying with the Hopkins?"

"Correct, at least for the time being. Mrs Hopkins is quite remarkable you know, but I'm only going to be able to take so much of her nursing techniques. I mean the woman won't stop feeding me."

Howard notes that Eleanor is already fussing around Vince, patting his leg and trying to reach up to brush his fringe from his eyes. He can't suppress a giggle.

Monty frowns.

"It's not funny Howard. I've lived the bachelor life a great many years, I'm not used to being nagged."

"It's not you I'm laughing at Monty, it's Vince. It looks like he might be suffering the same fate. I'd best get him out of here."

Howard moves closer to Vince and greets Eleanor again in order to distract her from a very flustered looking Deputy.

"Thank you so much for everything Mrs Hopkins. I hear you've been doing a grand job in looking after Monty."

Eleanor turns and smiles warmly at Howard.

"Why thank you Sheriff, I do my best. The Deputy here looks terrible though. Would you like me to come and help put him to bed?"

Howard sees Vince's eyes widen in fright and only just manages to swallow down the laugh bubbling in his throat.

"No, that's fine thank you Eleanor, I'm quite capable of helping the Deputy myself. Although Monty, would you mind coming along with me to take the horses back to their stable?"

"Yes, I was going to ask if I'd given you permission to take my horse Howard."

Howard grins sheepishly.

"Yeah, sorry Monty but I didn't have time to consult you."

"It's not a problem, and yes I'll come back with you."

Eleanor starts to say something but Monty hushes her.

"I'm fine Mrs Hopkins really. I want to go with Howard now. I'll be along later for a spot of that fine stew you promised me though. Thank you."

"Okay then Mr Flange, if you're sure you're all okay."

She turns back to Vince and rubs him on the leg once more.

"And you pet. If you want anything you just ask and I'll be there."

Vince nods and pats at his throat.

"Oh your poor dear, I forgot you can't speak. It's okay, don't exert yourself. Get on home now and lay that pretty head of yours down. I'll save some of that stew for you as well. Lucien eats far too much as it is."

With this she walks away, dragging a rather dumbfounded husband along with her. Howard dismounts and takes Monty by the elbow, leading him in close alongside Vince. The Deputy lifts his hat away from his face and gives the old actor his biggest smile yet.

The look of shock that settles on Monty's face makes Howard laugh again, as does the string of monosyllabic words which follow.

"But..how..you..not..hurt..what..when?"

Howard pats his friend on the shoulder.

"Let's get back to the jailhouse Monty and we'll tell you everything. Plus I need your help in something too."

Monty nods and like Eleanor before him gives Vince a pat on the leg.

"Okay boys, but let's grab ourselves a bottle on the way yeah. I've a feeling I'm going to need a drink."

xXx

An hour or so later and Monty is completely up to speed on everything. Howard misses nothing out, even the reasons behind having Bob Fossil locked up in the first place and everything they know regarding Lance Parrot's murder, including all the details of what happened outside the cemetery. They even tell Monty about Bainbridge's need for owl beaks which leads to a fit of the giggles lasting a full five minutes.

However when they tell Monty about the mysterious force guiding their time lines, about fate poking it's nose in and messing with their heads, about the impending deadline of around eleven o'clock the following morning, well that's the point at which the atmosphere in the jailhouse changes significantly.

"So what do you reckon Monty?"

"Well it's difficult to come to any kind of conclusion Howard. I've always considered myself a fairly spiritual man, but my God is fairly quiet most of the time. All this talk of a force greater than ourselves getting involved with our lives and directing us to do specific things, well I'm not sure if I can believe that."

"I'm not sure if it's as black and white as that Monty, although to be honest I'm not entirely sure I understand it properly. The details are a little vague."

Vince nods in agreement.

"I can't decide what is true and what is fiction either, but I do know that Naboo is real, he does exist, and he seems to know a great deal about us all. Plus he healed me. I mean look at me! I'm fully recovered! No herb or medicine has the power to do that alone. It was magic pure and powerful. And I felt it! No, I didn't just feel it, I lived it, for a good long moment, just before I blacked out I guess. It was like nothing else I swear. It was at once burning hot and freezing cold, it was immense and yet so tiny, so specific, so centred. It knew what it wanted and it knew how to have it. I'm not sure if I believe in everything, but I do believe in that magic and I know that we should trust Naboo."

Howard gives Vince a wink.

"You're absolutely right. We've no reason to mistrust Naboo's intentions for us even if his reasoning is so hard to comprehend. And besides he's now looking after Bobby. If that doesn't show he's on our side I don't know what does. I mean would you want to volunteer time with Fossil without good cause?"

This breaks the tension a little, as the three men share another chuckle.

"So then back to the plan. You want me to round up the troops right?"

"Not sure I'd put it like that Monty but yeah. If you could spread the word around that would be great. And the more the merrier. I know there's not long for people to plan but we at least give them the option to join us yeah. There's a train nearly every day out of here, but if we all leave together it will be so much harder for Bainbridge to stop us."

"I'll certainly tell all I possibly can Howard. I'll try to reach everyone. I don't expect there'll be a whole lot of interest though as it's such short notice, but I'll tell them all the same."

"We can't wait Monty."

"I know and I understand. And you can bet your bottom nugget that I'll be there ready to leave right alongside you. But for those with property, with children, with livestock and with businesses, I just don't think they can afford to leave so quickly."

"If they don't leave now they risk losing it all to Bainbridge in the long run."

"Yes, and I'll remind them of this, but don't expect a mass exodus. I've a feeling it'll just be the three of us."

Monty leans forward and pats the Sheriff on the knee.

"Don't be disheartened by that though Howard. It's the thought that counts."

"I'd feel forever guilty if I didn't at least try Monty."

"I know you would, and that's why I'll make sure that everyone hears about it."

Monty downs the rest of his drink and stands.

"In fact I think I'll start straight away."

Howard and Vince stand too.

"You don't have to go yet if you don't want to? Stay and have another drink."

Monty looks at each of them and smiles.

"Oh my dear boys, although your offer is so very appealing, I cannot take up another moment of your precious time."

"Monty, you're not intruding."

Monty smiles again.

"Such beautiful stupidity in two men that really should be showing far more intelligence."

Monty puts on his coat.

"Did you just call us stupid?"

Monty finishes with his buttons before leaning up to place a kiss on each of Howard's cheeks. He then turns to Vince and gently runs the pads of his fingers down the side of the younger man's face before leaning in and kissing each cheek the same.

"Monty?"

Monty walks to the door but Howard races after him and puts his hand against it to stop him.

"Monty, answer me."

Montgomery looks up into the eyes of his best friend before gesturing to Vince.

"Howard Moon, you have standing there a young man in the fullness of health and the prime of life, a young man whom, if I'm not mistaken, is as in love with you as you are with him. Now, if I was told, true or not, that I might die within a few hours, I think I might like to spend those hours utterly and completely in the company of that man I love. That is to say in his company and his company alone."

Howard's eyes well up ever so slightly as Monty's words flood a warmth through him. He pulls the actor into a tight embrace and kisses the top of his head affectionately.

"I love you Monty."

"I love you too Howard. Now get off me you berk and go tend to your Deputy. He loves you more."

Monty opens the door and disappears into the sparkling sunlight of the afternoon. Howard closes it behind him and locks it tight before turning back to Vince.

The two men stand, almost awkwardly, at either side of the room. Howard fiddles with his shirt collar as Vince bites unconsciously at his bottom lip. They both look down to the ground before looking up again at the same time. Vince breaks the silence.

"He's right you know."

"About us being stupid?"

"No, well yes that, but no. About me being in love with you."

Howard swallows.

"Yes, he right about a lot of things is Monty."

There's a pause again. Howard speaks first this time.

"So we're alone at last."

"Yep."

"And this may be our last few hours on Earth."

"Yep."

"And I'm horny as hell!"

"Yep...what?"

"I'm horny as hell. Aren't you?"

"Well, yes, but Howard, if this is it, I mean really it, I want it to be something more than..I dunno..just something more yeah."

"It's alright Little Man, I get you. I know what you mean."

"I knew you would. But I still don't really know what I'm doing. I want everything to be as good for you as it is for me. I'm worried I can't give you that."

"You love me Vince, there's not much else you can give me."

"But you know what I mean Howard. Physically I want to, you know, please you and stuff. I'm just not sure how."

"Everything we've done so far has been perfect, and besides when you kiss me I feel like I'm on fire. No-one has ever done that to me before. You couldn't be inadequate if you tried Vince. The mere taste of your lips against mine, the feel of your skin, your breath against my chest, the sounds you make when I touch you, all of these are enough to satisfy me Vince. Anything you do beyond that is simply, well erotic extras."

It is unlikely that Vince could blush anymore if he tried, and he blushes more as he realises that this too is a new thing for him. Vince had never felt embarrassed about any aspect of sex before, had never been shy in coming forward or asking for certain sexual favours. But with Howard everything is different. He supposes it's because this sex means something. Regardless of the added weight of a doomsday deadline the idea of sex with Howard resonates within him deeper than it had ever resonated before. He didn't ever want it to be a quick shag or a once around the garden, but especially not this afternoon. Oh no, he wants total immersion and equal pleasure. The trouble is never had Vince been so aware of his lover's experience. In fact more often was the case that he was the more experienced of the two, or three. But Howard is not only accomplished, he's older and wiser, and, it had to said, very good at it. Vince blushes again at the memory of where Howard had last put his tongue. Maybe one day he'd be able to give as good as he got, but one afternoon wasn't a huge amount of time to learn some new tricks. Vince looks down and worries his bottom lip again.

Howard is in front of him and wrapping him up in his huge strong arms before Vince even realises he's moved from the door. He closes his eyes and lets his cheek fall against Howard's chest, willing himself to relax into the embrace. Howard, sensing the tension in his Deputy, moves one of his hands up behind Vince's neck, cradling the smaller man's head and circling his thumb against the side of Vince's nape behind his ear. The other hand he runs up and down Vince's back, hard enough not to tickle, but soft enough to soothe. He nuzzles his nose into Vince's hair and speaks softly into it.

"I love you Vince Noir. I thought I'd lost you again and it was hell. But there is a good to come out of it. It's that losing you made me realise how much I need you, how much I want you. It made me think about the emptiness, the nothingness that was my life before you came along. If there's one thing that I do know is true about all of this then it's all that soul mate business. We are meant to be together Vince, that is just a fact, and I know that with you by my side and in my arms today, that whatever tomorrow holds for us, well then I can face it. You are my strength and my reason for living."

"Are you scared about tomorrow Howard?"

"Yes."

"So am I."

"I think it would be weird if we weren't."

The two men are quiet again for a bit. Howard continues to rub Vince's back until Vince starts to lean more heavily into him.

"Hey Little Man, you're not falling asleep there are you?"

"Ha, no Howard. It's nice though, makes me feel all dreamy."

"You are dreamy."

"Shut up you big dope."

"Hey!"

Howard lightens his touch and runs his fingers to either side of Vince's waist, tickling and gently prodding. Vince giggles and tries to slap Howard's hands away, but they're persistent.

"Howard..no..stop it..please..stop it...you're gonna make me pee myself."

Howard tickles some more before pulling Vince back into his arms.

"Take it back then."

"No."

"Take it back!"

"No. I won't be taking that back Howard. I'll be leaving it out there. You're a big dope, a big soppy dope and you know it."

"I'm not a dope, I'm a man of action Vince. I'm sharp and edgy. I'm powerful."

"Prove it."

"I will."

"Go on then."

"When?"

"I think I'm ready now Howard."

"Okay then Little Man, you asked for it!"

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