A/N: Kind of an emotional rollercoaster ride in this chapter and the next. Hope you like it.

Many thanks to my wonderful beta reader, Brittny.

Disclaimer: Harry Potter is copyrighted to and belongs to JK Rowling. I'm just playing in her sandbox.

Chapter 35: Letting Go

"What? No!" Hermione proceeded to shake her head furiously, her hands which clutched her lover's face starting to tremble. "No, you haven't! You haven't come to say goodbye! You aren't going anywhere, Severus, so stop talking nonsense!"

"Hermione—"

"NO! There has to be another way! We - We just need to figure something out! How much time do we have? When is this all supposed to happen?"

"Soon."

"How soon?"

"Believe me, Hermione, I've thought of every possible scenario—"

"Severus," she implored, her voice now quivering and unsteady, "please tell me when this is all supposed to take place!"

"No. I won't have you doing something irrevocably stupid."

"Severus—"

"Would you please allow me to do this properly?"

The firmness of his tone was strange, given the circumstances, and Hermione found herself tearing up and biting on her lip to try to stop her inner emotional turmoil from surfacing. "Severus, don't," she begged, not caring how weak and pathetic she probably sounded. "Don't do this. Please let me help? Let me do something!"

"There's nothing you can do."

His calmness about the situation was unnerving. Hermione threw her arms around his neck and cried into his cravat, her entire body shaking as badly as it had when she first caught sight of him nearly two months ago, when she had been so enraged and distraught that she couldn't prevent herself from breaking down. But Hermione couldn't remember feeling much worse than she did right now, on the verge of what, to her, was the equivalent of losing everything.

"It's all right," she vaguely heard him whisper into her ear. "It's all right, Hermione."

"How can you say that? How?"

"Because I'm at peace with it."

"What?"

"Hermione, I've had far longer than you to come to terms with what is the right thing to do."

"No!"

"I've done enough lying, spying, and generally horrendous things at the benefit of others. I can't do it anymore. It's too much, and I've done it for far too long.

"I'm tired of watching people die needlessly. I'm tired of extracting information in every inhumane way possible. I'm tired of serving that psychotic maniac and obeying his every whim. I'm tired of living a double life. I'm tired of not being able to live freely and make any of my own decisions. I'm tired, Hermione. I'm just... I'm so tired..."

Hermione stopped sniveling long enough to peer up into his face, disheartened by his confession and the confirmation that was etched into every line, every worn facet, and even in the blackness of his eyes that were drained of hope. Hermione gently brushed her hand along the side of his face.

"I know you are, love."

She paused to scrutinize him—to really look into that striking, unconventionally handsome face she loved—before planting another kiss on his lips. Tears were freely cascading down her face that she wasn't even aware of, and when their lips parted, she took firmer possession of the side of his face in her hand.

"Stay?" she encouraged in a broken whisper. "Stay with me? We can figure something out, Severus... It - It doesn't have to be this way. You can run. You can defy him and leave. Just leave, Severus."

"My defiance would truly mean the end of you. He will hunt you down mercilessly until he finds you, and his wrath will be so much worse than you could possibly imagine, Hermione, because of me. No... If I can do something right before this war is over, I will lie to him one last time, if it will buy you time and keep you safe."

"Severus, no—"

"There's one thing I need you to do for me..."

Hermione couldn't say anything anymore, now too emotionally wrought to form a coherent thought. She could only try to stifle her cries long enough to hear whatever Severus wanted to convey.

Severus pecked the top of her forehead, wrapping his arms tightly around her as she gazed up at him imploringly but to no avail. "I have something for Potter, some very important information he'll need to know. But he cannot see it until the opportune moment. Not until these Hocruxes are destroyed and the Dark Lord is weakened, do you understand?"

"S - See?" she managed, muddled.

"Yes."

Severus withdrew something from his coat pocket and held it up for Hermione to see. She knew immediately what is was: a memory, perhaps several, encased in a phial and likely extracted from Severus's own mind. Hermione stared at it, perplexed, watching the blue and white mist floating and circulating within the glass.

Her normal reaction would have been curiosity, but Hermione could hardly focus right now. This isn't happening! Wake up, Hermione! Wake up!

"Hermione?"

Hermione blinked several times, her caramel eyes continuing to swarm with tears. Severus's grave expression had altered into one of concern.

"Y - Yes?"

Severus spoke more gently than before, and with surprising patience, even for him. "I need you to give this to Potter. It's most important. I'm entrusting it to you, to give to him when the time is right. He'll need this, Hermione. He'll need to look at this if he wants to defeat the Dark Lord."

"Wha - What is it?"

"I'm afraid I can't disclose that. It's of a personal nature, and it's for Potter alone. Please try to understand..."

Hermione's frown deepened. "But..."

Severus removed Hermione's hand from his cheek and brought the phial into her grasp, enveloping his own hand around hers, covering it completely with his warmth. Hermione could say nothing, but stared at their hands for a moment, caught up in his soothing touch, the feel of his skin on hers.

Finally, she broke her gaze away to look at him again, her lower lip shaking, ready to buckle and give way. She could tell Severus was attempting to play the masked man once more, trying desperately to offer nothing but peace and reassurance to her, and the only thing that betrayed his front of acceptance were those penetrating eyes, if observed very closely. Instead of compliance, they spoke of sorrow, regret, even, if Hermione's interpretation was correct, fear for what was to come. But he illustrated none of those characteristics when he spoke again, this time without restraint.

"I'm most grateful to you, Hermione, I... I want you to know that. You are the only person who's ever accepted me—wholly and unconditionally—for what I am, and I know that that isn't much, nor is it at all easy. You're the only one who didn't give up on me or reject me, who saw through to who I really am and... And didn't find me a monster or entirely repulsive or beyond some level of forgiveness. You..." Severus fumbled to bring her hand to his lips and kissed the inside of her palm, rubbing his cheek against her touch, as if her very skin itself contained some magically embedded comfort. "You allowed me to understand what it is to feel loved and accepted. That's something I've never truly felt before. I... I'm grateful to you, Hermione. Exceedingly grateful."

Hermione leaned in to gently kiss his opposite cheek, her wet tears grazing the side of his face as she continued to cry noiselessly. "You were always deserving of this, Severus," Hermione breathed intimately, her hazy eyes trying to stay focused. "That's what I've been trying to get you to understand. You were always deserving of acceptance and love; life's just been terribly cruel and unfair to you. It's left you damaged, beaten you into submission, into believing wrongfully that you've warranted rejection. But you never have, Severus.

"I know who you are, and you're not unworthy of me or anyone else in the past who saw fit to walk away from you. You're difficult, yes, but you're also emotionally scarred—far more than most—and simply require more patience and understanding. You're hardened into thinking the poor way you've been treated all your life is justifiable, Severus, but it's not.

"Which is why I want you to stay. Forget about the plan. Forget about serving the Dark Lord, of serving anyone but yourself. Forget about the rest of the world and focus on us. Stay with me, please? I don't want you to go. You don't have to go, Severus. Don't do this. Please."

Hermione wasn't aware that in the process of begging him not to leave, she had fastened her hands to his buttons. Severus tried to pry her hands away, but found him locking them around her fingers instead.

"I have worked too long and too hard to ensure that Potter and you are able to do what needs to be done, Hermione. I'm not willing to sacrifice that or throw it all away, not even for us. I've seen and done too much; I know too much. I can't do it, Hermione. I just can't."

The internal conflict wracking him on the inside was obvious, and Hermione found her shoulders caving and her cries worsening. "I don't understand," she half pleaded, half sobbed. "Why would you leave me? Why are you doing this? Why can't you stay with me?"

Severus gathered her securely into his arms again and placed a firm kiss on her brow. "In time, you will understand, my love," he whispered, so low she almost missed it amidst her own cries of distress. "If it's not clear to you now, it will be eventually."

"No!" she whimpered, her fingers clawing at his buttons, desperate for something of his to hold on to. "No! I don't want to understand. I want you to stay. I love you! Isn't that enough? Please!"

Severus buried himself in her wild curls. Her pleading and sobbing were becoming unbearable to hear, but he selfishly couldn't will himself to let her go.

"Thank you," he issued, struggling with words that, to anyone else, were quite simple to express but, for him, were of a much more agonizing nature. "Thank you for loving me..."

Hermione lost what little composure she had left and dug her fingers into his coat, practically ripping at the fabric as she sobbed uncontrollably. "Don't," she mumbled into his neck. "You don't need to - to thank me for - for loving you, S - Severus. You just n - need to accept it. Stay. Don't. Go. Pl - Please?"

Severus gathered a clump full of her hair in his hand, trying to memorize the soft texture in his mind. "If I stay, we both die," he repeated miserably. "If I go, you at least have a chance."

"How? That makes no sense, Severus!"

"Because I can divert him."

"Severus, please, I'm begging you!"

"Will you promise to give Harry the phial? Promise me?"

Hermione fell silent, her face moistened and red. She brought her face around to look straight into his eyes with her nose touching his, their lips inches apart.

"Y - Yes," she stuttered, shaking all the while. "I - I promise. But—"

Before she could plead her case again, Severus leaned in to kiss her again, and was met with Hermione's arms rung around his neck, pressing his mouth into hers with earnestness. Time elapsed into nothingness. All Hermione could feel was the warmth and wetness of Severus's mouth, that distinctive taste that was him and the only thing tangible and worth having.

In turn, all Severus wanted was to remember this, to remember how it felt to be consumed by someone else, to understand what it really meant to have returned affections, to know the true meaning of love and being loved back...

After an agonizing moment, Severus reluctantly drew back, his face no longer a mask of acceptance but a contortion of pain. "I have to go..." Though barely able to speak anymore, he stepped away from her, and gathered her hands, which had latched themselves onto his arms.

"No..." she protested, trying one last time to convince him to stay, knowing the effort was futile. "Please... Don't..."

It took all the courage Severus had to turn away from her; the last image of her crying and wounded, and all because of him, was sketched unforgivably in his mind. Forcing his legs to move, his conscience and heart fighting him with every step, he weaseled his arms free of her grasp at last.

There were several hitched, sharp breaths, the sound of a body collapsing to the ground, and soft, gut-wrenching pleas that barely reached Severus's ears.

A crackle and pop echoed through the stillness of the forest, and Severus was gone, leaving Hermione winded and alone. She tore at her hair and breathed heavily as the isolation of the forest threatened to submerge her.

He was gone. And he wasn't coming back.

Unable to think or cope, Hermione simply allowed herself to feel and cry during what was most certainly the worst, most intense suffering she had ever experienced in her life.

Somehow, by some small miracle, Hermione fell asleep in the coldness of her bed. She wasn't even sure how she managed to get back to the tent; or where Harry was, for that matter.

Emotionally spent, Hermione awoke at dawn and stared directly in front of her for well over an hour, hardly blinking or stirring. She felt raw, indisposed, and incapable of doing a bloody thing.

The phial from Severus—his last request—was clenched in her hand beneath the covers. Her fingers had gone numb long ago from holding it so tightly, but she didn't seem to notice. Despite her weariness, she still sniveled and cried, burying her wet face against her pillow.

So this was what rock bottom felt like. On the one hand, she had been emotionally stripped bare, and yet, she had never physically ached more than she did now.

She didn't even hear Harry return to the tent, or noticed that she didn't have any wand to protect her had it been someone else, for that matter. She wasn't aware of him shouting her name several times to get her to come out. She vaguely heard someone calling to her, but that must have been inside her head, because it didn't sound like that deep, wonderful purr that was Severus's, and his voice was the only one ringing in her ears, or that she would answer to now...

"'Mione! Hey!" Harry came charging into the tent, his face flushed and excited. He stumbled to her bed and peered down at her. "'Mione, guess who's back? You're never going to believe it— 'Mione?"

Hermione said nothing and didn't even meet his gaze. Instead, she turned over so that she faced the opposite direction, and buried herself beneath the covers without a word.

"'Mione?" Harry repeated, this time quieter and more timidly. "'Mione, what's wrong? Are you all right?"

"Go away..."

"'Mione—"

"I want to be alone..."

"But, 'Mione, Ron's back! I found the Sword of Gryffindor! Ron destroyed the locket!"

"I don't care..."

"What?"

Harry's mouth fell open. She didn't sound much at all like the friend he knew. Something was terribly wrong.

"Leave me alone..."

"But... 'Mione, did you hear what I said? We have the sword! We can destroy the Horcruxes now!"

"Harry..."

"Ron's here. He's waiting to talk to you. He came back, 'Mione. He found his way back to us."

"So?"

Harry was stumped, not to mention utterly bewildered. He leaned over his friend to try to look at her, but her face was hidden from view. He prodded her shoulder gently, not sure what else to do.

"'Mione... You're kind of frightening me. What's the matter? Why are you acting like this?"

"What part of 'leave me alone' don't you understand?" she snarled with a sour bite he had never heard before. It actually caused him to rear back. "I said go away!"

"Um, all right..." He started to turn away, but then hesitantly asked, "What about Ron?"

"I don't care! Doesn't he get that already? I DON'T WANT HIM! I DON'T CARE!"

"Blimey, what's wrong with her?" she suddenly heard somewhere at the edge of the tent. Her cheeks burned beneath the covers, and she threw a hand over her exposed ear to prevent hearing the sound of his irritating voice. "What's all the shouting for?"

"I... I don't know..." Harry lowered his voice, thinking Hermione wouldn't hear. "I don't think she's entirely herself right now. Best to leave her alone, Ron."

"But we need to talk. I - I really need to talk to her."

"I can still hear you both! I'm not deaf! Please go away!"

There was some shuffling of feet and a few more audible complaints from Ron before the atmosphere around her quieted. She let out the stifled breath she had been holding in and proceeded to cry again, not really even aware of doing so. She squeezed her eyes shut, trying to block out Severus's awful goodbye in her mind, and eventually drifted off to sleep again.

"Why did you do that, Severus? Why?"

Severus growled abrasively and brought his head into his hands, hunching over his desk, exhausted. "For Merlin's sake, let me be!"

"I can't, Severus. You weren't supposed to tell her," the portrait of Dumbledore scolded him with a stern frown from his perch above. "She wasn't supposed to know of the plan!"

"May I remind you that you're dead and gone, old man!" Severus spat, his clenched teeth visible between his hands. "You don't call the shots anymore! Do you understand that? You hold no power or sway over me anymore!"

"Severus—"

"She deserved to know everything a long time ago, Albus. Now she knows."

"And what are you going to do?"

"Nothing."

"Nothing?"

"There's nothing except to dissuade the Dark Lord from going after Hermione by offering up some sort of lie to buy her time."

"But the Dark Lord will surely—"

"Kill me?" Severus gave a sarcastic snort. "Well done for spotting the obvious."

"But - But this isn't how this was supposed to be done!" Dumbledore's voice was more distressed than it had ever been in life, and an echo of agreement reverberated from the other portraits surrounding the current Headmaster. "You weren't supposed to compromise yourself! There's still so much you need to do to help Harry, the school, the Order!"

"As I said before, Albus," Severus snarled ferociously, baiting several portraits into silence, "you hold no authority over me or my decisions anymore. You lost that privilege when you forced me to kill you, remember?"

"But..." Dumbledore's voice was quieter, even feeble. "But Harry..."

"I left everything with Hermione. She will see to it that he gets all the information he needs and at the right moment."

"I see..."

"Anything else?" he prodded with a challenging sort of hiss.

"Only that I wish you would come up with something besides handing yourself over to the Dark Lord on a silver platter, Severus..."

"If I don't hand over Hermione, the Dark Lord won't show me mercy anyhow, no matter how great of an excuse I have. You know that. It is what it is."

"I know how much she means to you but..."

Severus whipped his head around and glared up at Dumbledore with a most hostile expression. "Don't you say anything, Albus! Don't you say a bloody word! You were the one who told me to go to her in the first place! How dare you!"

"Severus, I—"

"Be silent, you old fool!"

Dumbledore slowly laced his hands together on top of the arms of his chair, his aged face somber and sad. "Very well..."

Severus blinked and turned away to stare out a high window at the night sky. A half-moon beckoned, its light trickling into Severus's dark office, casting a faint, bluish light into the room.

After sitting in quiet contemplation for a time, Severus heaved himself to his feet with a prolonged, weary sigh and shuffled away to his personal quarters. It was three o'clock in the morning, and Severus was supposed to be on patrol, but for once, he neglected his duties in favor of his bed, of doing one small thing for himself. It was only a matter of days before he would be summoned to Malfoy Manor, expected to have Hermione in tow with him, but that wasn't to be. So why continue to put up a front or do what was expected of him if he only had a few short days left?

Severus collapsed onto his bed and didn't make any effort to undress. His bed chambers were quite frigid, but he didn't bother to get the fire going or crawl underneath the sheets for warmth. Laying his head against his pillow, his acute senses swore they could detect Hermione's scent embedded in the sheets, in that particular spot where he lay, in this very room where she seemed to surround him with consolation.

Severus inadvertently clutched a handful of the sheets and rubbed his cheek against his pillow, his eyelids fluttering, fighting to stay awake. "Hermione..." he murmured into the desolate darkness, his voice filled with a tender ache no one would suspect him of possessing. "My Hermione..."

Severus eventually closed his eyes and felt his entire body drifting, though he knew not where to. He thought he could smell her scent even more clearly than before, as if she were right beside him. Was he dreaming? Or was this real?

"Severus, open your eyes, would you?"

He heard traces of a young lady's vivacious laughter that filled the atmosphere with music and an inner tranquility he couldn't explain. It had been such a long time since he felt so lighthearted, so at peace with the world, carefree and in charge of his own destiny.

"Severus? Are you asleep?"

"With you talking?" he answered with a half-cocked smile. "No, of course not."

More gay laughter and the gentle feeling of dainty fingers weaving through his hair, brushing strands away from his closed eyes and nose, and Severus nearly shuddered in contentment. He let out a soft moan and didn't move.

"It isn't like her touch, is it? Do you remember my touch?"

Severus's ears suddenly perked up. "Hmm? What?"

She tittered and glided her hands over his back, rubbing in a circular motion that eased his stiffened muscles. "Severus, please open your eyes? I have something pressing to tell you."

Severus's eyelashes fluttered, opening to bright rays that slowly came into focus. Freshly cut grass. A stream echoing somewhere nearby. The comfortable shade of a large oak tree above that, for the moment, kept the sun from beating down upon him.

"Finally," the female voice tittered, and Severus's eyes darted towards the direction of the voice, one he recognized and that made his heart beat excitedly, for he hadn't heard it in years. He had nearly forgotten how beautiful it was.

The outline of a figure leaning over him came into view, and Severus nearly let out an audible gasp. Long, vibrant red hair. Green eyes like the grass upon which he lay. A gentle smile that shone as brightly as the sun.

"Lily?" Severus found himself struggling just to say her name. "How... What..."

She smiled radiantly down at him, looking as stunning as she had as a young woman, before her life was so abruptly cut short. What was she doing here? What was this?

He recognized where he was, not far from Spinner's End where he and Lily grew up, at the old oak tree where they had so often played together as kids. But why was he grown? And she, too?

"It's good to see I have your attention," her lighthearted voice echoed all around him.

There was no animosity, anger, or hatred from that last conversation they had shared. She seemed completely happy and comfortable in his company, and it made him eye her suspiciously.

"What are you doing here? What's going on?"

"Don't you know?" she baited him gently.

Severus's dark eyes flashed. "Am I dead?"

Lily gracefully shook her long, red locks. "No, of course not."

"Then where am I?"

"In your head, silly."

"Huh?"

"Even Death Eaters are capable of pleasant dreams, you know."

Severus let out a growl, one he had never really used on Lily, or at least always tried not to. "And?" he challenged, annoyed with his own confusion.

"And I think you know why I'm here..."

He hated sounding weak and not in control, but it came out as such when he answered, "I... No..." and was unable to say anything else.

"Severus," she whispered, bringing her hand up to cover his cheek. Severus hitched a sharp breath. He had completely forgotten what her touch felt like; it visibly shook him to receive it again. "You've done so much for me, and for Harry. Please know that I'm so grateful to you for all that you've done for my son."

"Oh... I..."

"You've looked after him. You've kept him safe. Thank you, Severus."

Severus managed a feeble, "You're welcome," but couldn't say much else.

"You know," she extended her smile, "you haven't thought much of me this past year. Well, no, you have, but not in the manner you once did. What happened?"

Severus swallowed hard, unable to look away from those all-consuming green eyes. "I'm sorry," he apologized without issue, causing her to frown.

"Why are you apologizing? I'm not complaining, Severus."

That crease of confusion formed between Severus's eyes. "You aren't?"

"No, of course not. Why would I? I'm happy for you."

"You... You are?" He couldn't quite believe what he was hearing, though she didn't seem to understand why he was so struck down by her words.

"Yes, why wouldn't I be? You've wasted so much time on me, Severus. So much time..." Her eyes shimmered in the sunlight, despite the shelter they had beneath the oak tree. Even so, however, her fair face grew sober, even sad. "I'm gone, Severus. I've been gone for seventeen years. When will you let me go?"

Severus felt as if his lungs were bereft of air. "Wha - What?"

Lily eyed him pityingly, something he would have normally despised, only it was her. And he hadn't seen that face in so long...

"Severus," she repeated his name more quietly, "you've allowed my death—me—to consume you. I know you've made great strides this past year, but I'm still always in the back of your mind. You talk to me as if everything you do must receive my blessing. Even now..."

"I... I don't understand."

"Even having fallen in love, you seem to think you need my permission. Why do you continue to ask for it?"

Severus could only stare up at her for a time before words finally came to him, and he nearly choked as he fought to get them out. "Because it was always supposed to be you..."

It was a tormented statement, a shattered whisper that lingered despite the gentle breeze. His cheeks were burning, and if he had been standing, he would have surely hid his face behind his hair.

Lily's frown deepened. "Severus... You really don't know? After all this time, even after this last year you've been with her, you still don't see? It was never meant to be me."

Severus narrowed his eyes, the heat in his chest rising, but the anger didn't quite reach them. "What are you saying?" he challenged rather weakly.

"Severus, we were never meant to be together. Even if I hadn't married James, and you hadn't joined Voldemort, even if we had had all the time in the world, I never could have given you the returned affection you craved. If I was still alive, things wouldn't be any different. I couldn't love you the way that you wanted. I'm sorry... But I just didn't feel that way about you. I know in the past you've thought that maybe, with more time, I could have come to regard you in such a way, but I wouldn't have, Severus. And that's the truth.

"I know that wounds you deeply and must bring you great pain to hear, but I think it's something deep down you've always known. Yet, you won't allow your heart to fully accept it. Why? Why are you hanging on to me?"

Severus felt like his heart was being ripped right out of his chest. His lower lip was quivering, something he hadn't realized until he saw the look of empathy that washed over Lily's poised countenance. Her hand was stroking his cheek, but the feel was different. So very strange next to the touch he was more accustomed to; so different from another woman's touch...

"Severus," Lily murmured woefully, "I'm sorry. I truly am. I never meant to bring you such pain and unnecessary suffering. I know we can't always help whom we fall in love with, but I would have thought... I would have thought you'd have moved on by now. I never expected you to carry all this guilt and self-loathing around with you all these years."

"You..." Severus could barely speak and had to force the words out, "You never loved me? Not even a little?"

Lily didn't answer right away. When she finally did, her green eyes were laden with guilt and sympathy as she slowly shook her head.

"No, Severus. I didn't love you then, and I wouldn't love you now had I lived. Not in that way."

Severus broke eye contact, suddenly aware that his vision was growing hazy and watery. He felt Lily grab hold of the side of his face in earnest, but couldn't bring himself to look upon that face he had once so revered.

"Severus, listen to me. Why have you been holding on to me? I'm grateful for all you've done for Harry—I'm indebted to you for it—but what of your heart? It no longer belongs to me, so why can't you let me go?"

"It - It is yours. It's always been yours..."

"For a long time, it was mine, but now it no longer belongs to me. It hasn't been mine for a while. It belongs to another."

She paused, watching a single tear finally escape Severus's dark eyes and trail down his cheek. He instantly shut his eyes, against her and against the world, but Lily pressed on, continuing to stroke his cheek as she spoke softly, delicately.

"It's all right, Severus. It's more than all right. You're allowed to move on. You're supposed to move on."

"But..."

"You're ready to let me go, Severus. You're just afraid. What are you afraid of?"

Severus kept his eyes closed for a while, trying to muster some composure but failing miserably. He gave up, opened his tearful eyes, and let himself gaze at the redhead he had been besotted with nearly all his life.

"Love," he uttered, so quietly that he almost sounded like a humiliated child.

Lily gave him a faint smile and nodded understandingly. "Yes, that's right. Love. And that's the beautiful irony about you, Severus. You love so deeply, but when it comes to love itself, you're so terribly fearful of getting hurt, of expressing your regard, of allowing someone to love you back because you think yourself so unworthy of it. But like everyone else who is genuinely good and decent, you crave it. You long to be loved, to be touched, to be accepted, but you think loving from afar—and with a guarded heart—is enough, and that that is all you deserve. Well, it isn't enough, Severus. That's no way to live, and you deserve more than that."

"What does it matter?" he sputtered, his normally tough voice cracking, only this time he allowed it of himself. "I won't be alive much longer. And I only cause pain to the people I've cared about. My warped display of affection is tainted and damaged. What good is that to anyone?"

Lily angled her head and sighed her disappointment. "You really understand so little about yourself, Severus. I daresay she knows you far better than you may ever come to know yourself."

Severus looked away, the wetness in his eyes worsening despite wanting to conceal his suppressed sorrow and despair that had been locked away for so many years. He squeezed his eyes shut, but his lower lip buckled when he felt a pair of lips softly press themselves to his dampened cheek; lips he remembered well, only they had never responded to him in the manner that he had hoped.

"You are loved, Severus, and she doesn't care. She doesn't think your affection's tainted or damaged or that you're at all unworthy of her. She loves you back. And that's the real meaning of love: equal affection, caring for someone despite their faults, even when they can't see the good in themselves.

"She accepts you far more than I ever could, Severus. You and I didn't have an understanding. We were friends, yes, but sometimes friends grow apart. They turn into different people and can no longer relate to each other the way they once did. It happens...

"She's shown you what it means to be wholly loved and accepted, flaws and all. She's helped you to understand the true meaning of what that means. What you've felt for me... Yes, it was love, but that's not true love, Severus. It wasn't returned. That was something you never understood until her.

"You shouldn't continue to hold onto me when you finally have what you should have had a long time ago. Don't hold back or be afraid anymore. There's no need." She paused, wiping away a few of the dark wizard's tears. "It's all right to move on, Severus. If it's my permission you seek, then you have my blessing to let me go..."

Severus's voice was unsteady as he attempted to form a reply. "But... But I... You..."

"I'm gone, Severus. I'm a shadow, a thought, a reflection of your past. And I'll always be there, Severus. I know I'm in your heart, and so do you. Let that be enough. It's time for you to move on, and you should feel no guilt or shame in that."

"I..." he cried softly, his face contorted in agony. "I - I can't... I'm not ready..."

"Yes, you are, Severus," she offered soothingly, bending down to kiss his cheek again. "You've been ready for a long time. You've just been hesitating, and unnecessarily. Just because you're moving forward with your life doesn't mean I'll be forgotten, or that you're somehow betraying me by doing so. It's something everyone must do. Life goes on."

"Lily..."

"Let me go, Severus. I'm asking you to. It's all right. Just let me go. Let me be..."

Suddenly, Severus's cheek went cold. His eyes shot open in a wave of panic, and he found the radiant silhouette of Lily towering over him, her beautiful face serene as her eyes bore into his. She was almost floating, as if the flesh he had just felt wasn't real.

"Thank you," she whispered, smiling warmly at him.

Severus wanted to move but found himself completely paralyzed. "For - For what?" he stammered.

Lily angled her head again, continuing to give him an all-knowing smile that made his breath give way. "For giving yourself another chance. You have a long way to go, but this is a pivotal first step in the right direction. And she'll be patient. She understands, Severus. She'll wait as long as it takes, because she loves you."

"But... But I won't be around—"

"You don't know that for sure, Severus. There's no certainty."

"Why now, Lily?" Severus found himself pressing. "Why now, after all these years?"

Lily surveyed him thoughtfully before answering, "Because you're finally ready, Severus. You're right on the ledge, but you've been holding back. Sometimes we need an extra little push, some small reassurance in order to take that giant leap forward out of the past."

"But... But you—"

"Am where you can always find me," she stated quietly. "But you don't need me anymore, Severus. In time, you will come to need me less and less. That's all right, too. You aren't alone anymore, Severus. You have what you need now."

Severus reached out to touch her but was left frozen by a flesh he could no longer feel. He had tried to touch her hand and felt nothing. She wasn't translucent, but she wasn't of this world either.

"I..." he stuttered, unable to respond.

Lily gave him one last kindhearted look before she started to drift away out of focus. "Don't be so hard on yourself, Severus," she called to him as her voice began to fade, causing Severus's heart to be beat faster, knowing she would soon be gone forever.

"Lily!" he exclaimed, sitting up and extending his arm out to her as she drew further and further away.

"There's nothing to be afraid of anymore, Severus."

"But..."

"You're letting me go. You're free, and so am I. Thank you, Severus. Thank you for letting me go..."

"Wait! Please!" he begged, though she just kept moving further and further away. "Don't go! Please, Lily! I - I can't!"

"Yes, you can. You already have, you just don't know it. It will be all right, Severus, you'll see. You're going to be fine..."

"NO!" Severus shot up in bed, breathing fast and hard.

He quickly wiped at his eyes, startled to find them damp, with real tears cascading down his face. Even his pillow was soaked.

Still dressed but now also freshly perspiring, Severus stared into the isolating darkness for a long time, unable to move. Despite how emotionally raw he felt, an unmistakable, invisible burden had lifted somewhere, either in the room or in the center of his chest, he wasn't sure yet. But he held onto that strange, euphoric feeling, letting it fill him up as he sat slumped in the quiet solitude of his bed champers.

His mind reiterated those precious words Lily had so emphatically whispered to him moments ago, but his heart had shifted to a different place. It gravitated towards someone else, a young woman who was feeling just as mournful and wounded and lonely as he.

Hermione...

A/N #2: The conversation with Lily sort of crept up on me, but it was a scene I'd been intending to write, it was just a question of when. For those who may be curious, both Lily and Severus's Patronus will further come into play later on in the story.

On another but equally important note, Opera777 has made another fantastic Patronus-related photo manip that is linked on my Profile. Many thanks to her for such a gorgeous image! Check it out: opera777 deviantartcom [slash] art [slash] Incoming-and-Outgoing-322065350