A/N: Due to 'patient confidentiality' this chapter couldn't follow the good doctor into the room with Maria :)
Just wanted to note, that during the 1930s antidepressants hadn't been invented, and the principle treatment modality was electroshock therapy. Just to put the doctor's comments in context for anyone who is familiar with the normal patient management.
To everyone who has been reviewing - thank you so much, as always. You're my constant stress reliever as I prepare for finals!
Chapter Thirty-SevenThe Captain was putting a sleeping Maria in her bed, just as Liesl and Friedrich led Dr. Saeger into the governess's room. He gestured they speak out in the hallway, clicking the door to the bedroom door closed behind him.
"Thank you so much for coming, doctor." The Captain shook the young lady's hand. She was only 32 and German, rumoured to be a very good doctor who had moved to Salzburg for love. He was surprised at how young she looked – almost like she could be Maria's older sister. Her long blonde hair was pinned away from her face, and despite the nature of her job, a friendly smile graced her face. Her sage green eyes, however, contrasted with the clear blue he was used to.
"Happy to help, Captain." She was delighted to finally meet the sea captain and father of seven whom so many people in town spoke of. "What can I do for you today?"
"It's a bit of a story I'm afraid. I was walking down to my study, when my eldest son, Friedrich, the one who called you, came and told me that Ma—Fraulein Maria, " he suddenly corrected himself "had collapsed outside. I ran out to check on her and told Friedrich to call you. She was breathing but unconscious. I spoke to her for a few minutes before she awoke and I asked if she could walk in, but she fell asleep, so I carried her inside and away from the heat."
"Good thinking. By talking to her she was probably more comfortable, and it may have helped to her wake up. I have just a few questions, and then would like to check her over."
The Captain nodded, and Dr. Saeger was relieved that he agreed. So often these aristocrats were determined to do things a certain way that they would risk the health of a loved one just to be correct.
"What was she doing when she fainted?"
"I believe her and the children were playing tag."
"Did she hit her head when she fell?"
"Not that I know of. She was in no pain when she woke up."
"How long was she unconscious for?"
"Maybe three or four minutes? No more than ten for sure."
"Has this happened in the past?"
The Captain shook his head. "Not that I know of. She has only been with us since the beginning of the summer."
Dr. Saeger nodded, and mumbled to herself that she would have to wake Maria up to take a full medical history.
"Have you noticed any changes in her behavior recently?"
The three looked at each other with hesitation. The doctor recognized the look.
"Please know that whatever you tell me is in the strictest confidence. Whatever you say will not leave this home."
"Just over a week ago, Fraulein Maria walked in on her…boyfriend I suppose you would call him…with another woman. She was very upset- he was the first man to ever win her affections. I do believe that she has been getting better though…" the Captain paused, as he realized he had absolutely no idea how Maria had been dealing with the heartbreak. He had been so wrapped up in preserving his relationship with his children and healing himself that he hadn't really looked at Maria in a very long time. He couldn't remember the last conversation they had – and conversations with her were usually unforgettable. As he remembered her pale, sickly form, he realized that he had missed something…something very big.
"Perhaps you two have noticed something?" he asked the two children weakly, as he leaned against the door behind feeling a little faint. As he listened to his children as they described the Maria that they had seen for the past week and a half, he felt ill as he recognized his neglect.
Liesl squared her shoulders to the doctor, so she wouldn't have to look at her father when she corrected him.
"Fraulein Maria has been unwell since that evening. At first I thought it was grief and that she would recover in a couple days, but obviously I was wrong."
"Can you tell me specifically what you mean by unwell?" Dr. Saeger gently asked, meeting Liesl's gaze directly.
"Right after the…incident…she suddenly became very quiet, and fraulein Maria is never quiet. She has barely eaten since that night – she may take a bite her and bite there, especially when the little ones would say something to her, but mostly she just rearranges food on her plate. She rarely sleeps, and has been complaining of headaches since that night. And Fraulein Maria never complained about anything."
"Has she been getting better or worse?" The doctor's suspicions were being piqued.
"In retrospect worse, though I hadn't really noticed until today. The night of the party my brothers and sisters and I were to perform a singing number fraulein Maria had arranged for us. Though she wasn't excited about it, she came down to watch us and even managed some smiles for us afterwards. Nowadays, she spends her days staring into space and playing with her hands. Everything that she used to love she refuses to participate in."
Liesl paused for a breath, uncertain how much to tell the doctor about.
"What happened today that was different?" Dr. Saeger recognized the torn look on the young woman's face as her eyes darted to and away from her father.
Liesl took a deep breath and continued.
"This morning when fraulein Maria was late for breakfast, I went to look for her and found that her bed had not been slept her. I finally found her asleep on the sofa in the living room. Dr. Saeger, her dress was wet and filled with mud as though she had been outside in that storm, and right knee and elbow were both bruised and crusted with dry blood, like she had perhaps fallen…"
A gasp came from Friedrich, and all the others in the hallway turned to look at the boy who was blanched.
"What is it?" Dr. Saeger asked as calmly as she could.
"I saw her. Fraulein Maria. Last night I couldn't sleep and was reading in my chair by the window, and I saw her sitting on the patio. She was too far away for me to make out her face, but I remember she was holding her head in her hands a lot, and then at one point she fell off the railing and onto the deck. I got really worried because she didn't get up, and then the storm started and I was going to go get you, Liesl, but then Marta and Grerl were suddenly in my room because they were scared of the storm, and Kurt woke up when we were singing My Favourite Things, and then we got into a pillow fight and I completely forgot about Maria!"
Friedrich was slowly turning green, and it was obvious the boy was going to be sick if she didn't intervene quickly. Dr. Saeger quickly had him sit with his back against the wall.
"Whatever happened to Maria has been building up for some time, Friedrich. It is not your fault that she fainted today, or that she is unwell. I am here, and I promise I will do everything I can to help her. Now I have a job for you. Do you think you can help me?"
Friedrich nodded, and the doctor was happy to see some of the green was fading. She had learned a long time ago that the best thing to do in a situation like this was to keep the boy busy until he could see that his governess was feeling better. Guilt was an extremely strong emotion.
"I need you to go downstairs, and let your brothers and sisters know that Maria will be fine. Tell them that I need to spend about a half hour to an hour with her, asking her some questions and then checking her over to make sure that she is healthy, and then once I am finished, if she is up for it, perhaps they could come up and see her later tonight or tomorrow. Can you do this for me?"
Friedrich nodded, and left the room without meeting the gaze of his sister or his father.
The Captain listened in astonishment at the descriptions Liesl and Friedrich had given of the woman who had given him and his family so much. The guilt rising in his chest was nauseating as he realized he had again alienated, someone who meant so much to him. How had he missed all the warning signs? And furthermore, how could he have expected Maria to be alright after it had taken him years to heal from losing his wife – who had not cheated on him or left on her own free will.
Dr. Saeger was addressing Liesl.
"You know a lot about your governess" she noted.
"She's my best friend." Liesl answer in a point-of-fact manner.
"I'm going to wake Maria now" the doctor was explaining to the two, and the Captain brought his attention back to the present. "I'd like to speak with her alone for a while, and then do my exam. If the two of you wouldn't mind staying nearby, I will come and find you once I am finished or if there are any more questions Maria cannot answer herself."
"We will be in the room at the end of the hall – we will leave the door open." The Captain had already made up his mind. "Dr Saeger, please. Whatever she needs…price is no deterrent." He didn't care how many questions his comment could raise if the doctor did not maintain her vow of confidentiality. The only outcome he cared about was Maria's health.
The Captain led Liesl to the sun room, which was bright with mid-afternoon sunshine. Outside he could see the other children playing, though half-heartedly, a game of kickball led by Friedrich.
Both were silent for a moment, before the Captain broke the silence.
"Do you think she will forgive me?"
Liesl didn't have to ask who the elusive 'she' was, but questioned him what the forgiveness was for.
"For not seeing this coming. For not recognizing all the warning signs that she was not alright. For shutting her out of my mind because I couldn't bear to see her pain without recognizing my own."
The Captain was no longer speaking to Liesl as his daughter, but as the friend of the woman that he had hurt so badly.
"It is fraulein Maria, father. Of course she will forgive you."
"It is Maria…" he agreed softly as he looked out at the children.
After ten more minutes of silence, Liesl finally asked the question that had been bothering her for so long.
"Father? How could Uncle Max do this to Maria?"
"Well Max is-"
The Captain was cut off by his daughter.
"I don't mean Uncle Max in specific, but anyone. How can someone do that to the person they love the most in the world?"
"My darling, you're sixteen. Far too young to worry about the pain of love."
"Father, I am already worried. Please…I don't understand, and I want to help fraulein Maria however I can."
Really looking at his daughter, the Captain no longer saw the little girl who had stars in her eyes at the Innsbruck ballet, rather a young woman who loved deeply and wholeheartedly. He conceded to her wish.
"I can't begin to imagine what Max was thinking, although I suspect that there has been something between him and Elsa for some time now, possibly even before he introduced us. I cannot believe that I did not see this to begin with. How could I have been naïve enough to think that Max would just hand over a woman dripping in money and social status like Elsa?"
"Then if they were so right together, why did they involve you and fraulein Maria?" Liesl asked, confused. In her eyes the world worked like a storybook – when you were with someone you were two parts of whole. There were no deceptions or games.
"That is the question, isn't it? My guess, for what it is worth, is that Elsa refused to be with Max in the public's eye – he is a self-made man and her social standing would suffer should she not be with a man from old money. Some bullshit tradition these people keep. My guess would be that Elsa kept Max on a string by giving him money and connections by acting as friends in the public eye."
"But to what end for her?"
"From what little of their interaction I saw, I believe that Elsa was more emotionally invested in Max than he was in her. I imagine that it was at her insistence to find a husband that Max became involved with her public relationships, and I suppose that Max chose me as her next potential husband in an effort to harness her money into our family. He knew what was mine was his." he laughed bitterly.
"Did you care for the Baroness like you did mother?"
Liesl's question brought about a pause so long that she was certain she had overstepped her boundaries. She had wondered this often, ever since she met the blonde who unlike mother she remembered in every way possible.
"No, I suppose I didn't" the Captain finally responded, with incredulity to his voice. "I never felt like I had to be with your mother. I loved spending time with her, with all of you. Being with Agathe was a choice. When I look back these are the happiest memories I have from those times, when we were all together. Elsa was more my lifeboat – for the longest time I felt like I had to be around her no matter how miserable I was at the balls we attended or the events we partook in. Without her I felt like I was adrift alone at sea,"
"Why?"
"I know it must be hard to understand, but Liesl everything that reminded me of your mother hurt so badly after she died, and when I met Elsa I was at the point where I couldn't handle the hurt anymore. Because Elsa was so different, she didn't bring back memories, and I could hide in her world. When she wasn't around I had to face reality, something I wasn't strong enough or brave enough to do. I know-"
The Captain's words were stopped as Dr. Saeger tapped lightly on the open door.
Both the Captain and Liesl were instantly on their feet.
"How is she?" the Captain fought in vain to keep the anxiety out of his voice.
"She will be alright. She gave me permission to talk about her condition with you." The doctor responded, and gestured towards the couch, where the three of them sat.
"As a naval officer, I would assume you would appreciate bluntness, so here are the facts, Captain. Symptoms of sadness, loss of interest and concentration, grief, insomnia, and lack of appetite and energy are textbook depression. Though not a great deal of time has passed since these symptoms began, I am worried to see that her grief has not been at all alleviated, rather it is becoming worse. I'm not convinced she has true depression; however, it was wise to call me today so she can be monitored carefully I wish we had a medication I could give her to lift her spirits but unfortunately there are no such medications. I hope by acting now, we might be able to elevate her mood before she falls in too deep, so to speak. Normally we treat depression with electroconvulsive therapy; however, Maria has refused this treatment. She does, however, seem genuinely hopeful of a full recovery, which is the most important sign. I spoke with her about her eating habits, and she has agreed to eat frequent small meals instead of any large amount at once. I ask that someone sits with her whenever she is eating so that she has some company. I would suggest she not join family meals for a little while – the pressure of a lot of food and that many people at once may be too much for her."
The Captain nodded solemnly.
"There is something else."
A pause.
"More than anything, Maria needs someone to talk to. I suggested a psychologist or counselling, but she rather vehemently refused. While I was with her she mentioned some of the things that have been on her mind, and they extend well past her breakup. I don't know how much she has told you about her past-"
"I am aware of what she went through while growing up and in the abbey" the Captain interjected, ignoring Liesl's surprise. She had no idea what the doctor and her father were talking about, and her surprise was twofold: one that Maria's life had not been as joyous as her demeanor, and two that she had spoken to her father about such affairs.
"Then she has probably told you more than she would tell me. About the breakup, she was quiet, and did not want to discuss much with me – I feel that she did not want to disclose secrets that perhaps are not hers alone. If you know anybody that she is close to, I would strongly suggest that she is given the opportunity to free of her mind of the worries that are plaguing her. This will do so much more good than any medication ever could."
"I will look into it today." The Captain rose and extended his hand. "Thank you very much Dr. Saeger – your promptness and efficiency is very much appreciated. Please send the bill directly to me and I will take care of it immediately."
"It was a pleasure meeting you, Captain, Liesl. If she continues to worsen please call me and we can arrange further treatment. I will call in three days to check in. I have given Maria a sleeping pill so she can make up some of the rest she has missed. She should not wake up until morning. I see that your other children are eager to hear about their governess so I will let myself out. Auf weidersein."
Sure enough, when the Captain turned to look out the panoramic view the windows offered, twelve eyes were watching their exchange closely. He signaled for them to come up, and soon the pounding footsteps were heard climbing up the stairs.
The Captain waited as patiently as he could as he was plummeted with questions, until the room slowly fell silent.
"Fraulein Maria will be fine. The doctor has given her something so that she will sleep until tomorrow morning, and she won't be joining us for meals for a few days. She may be sleepy and sad for a few days, but hopefully soon she'll be able to take you on your little adventures again."
The Captain didn't know how to explain something like depression to his children, and hoped that this little 'brush-over' would suffice. He was sure that Liesl would explain to Friedrich and Louisa, and probably Brigitta too he realized, a little more detail about what was going on, but he didn't want to trouble the young girls.
"Is Maria sick like mother was?" Marta's eyes were wide. She had very little to no memory of her mother, but had heard from her siblings that she had died because of illness.
The Captain swallowed a large lump in his throat, and noted that many of his children wore similar worried expressions on his face.
"Oh no my darling- nothing like your mother. Maria will be well very soon, I promise." And the Captain was determined to do whatever it would take to keep this promise.
"What can we do?" Louisa asked in a tone that he rarely heard from his firecracker of a daughter.
"Tonight there's nothing we can do for her. Tomorrow once she is awake I'm sure she would love some company."
Dinner was quiet, despite the Captain trying to encourage conversation. The empty chair at the end of the table reminded many members of the room when the same chair was empty, a different loved-up upstairs in bed under doctor's orders. The reminder was enough to stifle the appetites of most in the room, and Frau Schmidt noted that they would be having roast beef sandwiches for lunch the next day to use up all the leftovers.
As the children were preparing to go to bed, the Captain pulled his eldest daughter aside.
"Liesl, I understand if you wouldn't feel comfortable, but would you consider spending the night in Maria's room? I don't want her to be alone if she wakes up."
Liesl agreed quickly to her father's plan.
"If she does wake and needs anything, please come and get me immediately." He instructed, and Liesl did not question his request. The two of them tucked in the other children, and moved blankets and a pillow into the governess's room, where Liesl made herself a little bed out of the easy chair that the Captain had moved to sit right beside Maria's bed.
Liesl yawned and snuggled into her "bed" for what would be a very long night, fraught with worry.
The Captain's night was not destined to be any better. Once in bed he tossed and turned, worried that Liesl would not be able to wake him if he fell into a deep sleep. He could practically feel the wheels in his mind turning as he processed the events of the day, and his blindness. His mind knew that there was no use feeling guilty, as what was done was done, but as is often the case, his reason and his heart could not be at peace.
Finally when the clock struck one in the morning he allowed himself to get up. Pulling on his slippers, he quietly moved down the hallway, past the staircase, and towards the governess's room. He was relieved to notice that there were no lights visible from under the door. As quietly as he could, he opened the door and stood in the entranceway, his eyes roaming past the sleeping figure of his daughter and to the woman curled into a ball on the bed. He allowed himself to stay for only thirty seconds, then quietly clicked the door shut on his way out.
His mind at ease that all was well, he made his way back to his room, where he again fell into a fitful sleep. Just over an hour later, he would repeat this process, and twice more after that before morning. Each time he found the same scene, but the visual stimuli calmed the sickness in his stomach and allowed him just over a half hour of sleep before the restlessness would start again.
Unbeknownst to him, his actions that night did not go unobserved. The eyes of his sixteen year old daughter, concealed by the darkness, watched her father closely on each of these visits, her mind reeling.