AUTHOR'S NOTE: One of the themes of this story is that victors, no matter how stable they may appear to be, are dramatically different people from who they were before the games. This entire story was written as an experiment with character concepts, particularly watching a character undergo a powerful and life-changing transformation. Surviving the Hunger Games certainly would do that to anyone, wouldn't you say?

CHAPTER 35: Lost in Thought

Shortly after Ava's interview, she met back up with her team, who were making their way now back to the District 12 quarters.

"I bet you're hungry," Junichi smiled, "I do not think the arena had very much good food."
"I've never had a good meal in my entire life outside the Capitol," Ava replied bluntly but truthfully, "I'm hungry as hell right now."

"Atta girl," Vigo chuckled, patting her back. "I was about to say you had grown, but then remembered that you're all dressed up."

Ava cracked a chuckle, realizing that he was talking about the heels. "I missed you too, Vigo." She elbowed him playfully as the team all piled into the elevator. They reached the 12th floor soon enough, although the idea that this building was now practically empty on all of the other floors was a haunting fact that did not go over Ava's head.

Despite the cheerful moods from Junichi, Amadeus, and Celine, the meal was eaten in relative silence, with Ava excusing herself early, albeit politely.

"Thank you," she smiled at every member of her team. "Thank you for everything. I just need a moment, if that's okay?"

Ava liked Junichi, because she was so friendly and understanding, which said something coming from a Capitol woman. She nodded in understanding as she and the stylists went back for seconds. Ava walked out to the balcony, nearly tripping from the shoes that she was very clearly not used to walking in, but she left them on and went out to gaze over the Capitol skyline. It hardly looked any different from when she had seen it the first time on the rooftop with Chel. The lights were shimmering all around them, which surely meant that the Capitol was celebrating again—except this time they were celebrating the end of the games and the emerging of a victor, rather than the commencement of the death match.

Ava sighed, slumping down on the railing of the balcony with her head in her arms. She wanted someone to talk to, but no one would understand her plight except perhaps Vigo. Was it fair to want to vent to him when surely he had troubles of his own and secrets he did not feel comfortable sharing? Perhaps not; she wanted to speak to Chel again; to laugh and cry and joke with the massive girl again, but there was no way that that would be possible. She also missed Wes. He might not have been as humorous and playful as Chel was, but he was kind and caring—his sister's safety had always been one of his utmost concerns. Maybe it was her small and scrawny size; or maybe it was just him being a good brother, but Ava certainly missed him, and her fondness of Chel did not change that at all.

A few minutes passed, and Vigo walked out onto the balcony, causing Ava to turn to see who it was before turning back and gazing out over the balcony again.

"I remember this balcony," he pointed out, "I was on it myself, 7 years ago."

"Is being a victor this depressing?" Ava sighed, "All my friends are gone…"

Vigo sighed, putting his hand on Ava's back to run his fingers over it in a reassuring manner. "I wish I could say no, and that it's as glitzy and glamorous as the Capitol makes it out to be…" he shook his head, "but otherwise, yes. Yes it is."

Ava sighed, standing up to look at Vigo again. "you're not helping." She glared at him, although she knew it was not his fault.

"There are few who can," Vigo indicated, pulling Ava in for a gentle embrace. Perhaps Junichi had rubbed off on him, but he did not want his new replacement mentor to fall into a horrible state of depression before anything had even happened. "There are less than 91 people in all of Panem who are alive and have even an idea of what you've been through in the last two weeks, Aveline. Even if you and I have both become killers and have had to survive through hell and worse, I do not fully understand the things you experienced, just as you do not fully understand what I have been through. You, me, the Capitol, and all of Panem can watch that footage as much as they damn well please, but even if you spent 14 days watching all 14 days of it… it still does not compare to living it. That footage—to know that of the 24 children they show, you are the only one that is still alive… it does things to you."

Ava sighed, as Vigo's words reminded her of something.

"How many tributes did you kill, Vigo?" she asked, "I'm curious, and I admit that my memory of your games kind of disappeared after, well… my games."

"I only killed 4, one of which was in the bloodbath." Vigo answered, "the number of tributes a victor kills is irrelevant though. You are trying to survive, and are willing to do anything necessary. There is nothing morally superior about killing fewer tributes, and nothing socially superior about killing more. It is a twisted and horrible thing either way."
"7 boys and girls lost their lives because of me." Ava sighed, "I wiped out most of the career pack myself. I'm responsible for killing both tributes from District 2, even if I allied with one of them."
"You did what you had to," Vigo reminded her, holding her in his arms. The two were 8 years apart in age, although the bond they shared almost seemed like father and daughter at this point, which to Ava was very significant, considering that her father had been dead many years.

"And what about District 4?" Ava looked up, "I killed Cress in the bloodbath, and Iris… ugh… Iris…"

"There are tributes like that every year, Ava." Vigo reassured her.

"I broke her, Vigo." Ava looked up at him again, "I tortured her before she finally submitted. I thought I would find satisfaction in killing the girl who so brutally murdered Wesley. Then I saw her face… she was exhausted; beaten, broken… she had no fighting spirit left in her. Underneath that, she was just another young girl forced into this mess just like I was. There was no glory in killing her."
She was a demented little shit, that's for sure," Vigo shook his head. Wes' death had not exactly gone over well with him either, especially back when he had still not trusted Chel.

"No," Ava shook her head. "she deserved better. I do not like the girl, but I do pity her. Vigo… I saw everything in that girl's eyes. I saw her fear. I saw her distress. I saw her desperation. I saw her finally come to realize that she was going to die. I saw tears in her eyes. I saw Iris Durango cry."

"Katniss Everdeen once told me something similar on the way to the Capitol," Vigo pointed out, "she simply said 'remember who the real enemy is'."
That reminded Ava of one other thing. "Chel told me something like that, actually."
"Really now," Vigo's eyes widened, "what did she say?"
"She said the spirit of liberation in District 2 is not dead," Ava whispered, almost afraid that someone would hear her. Vigo smiled.

"Well… Chel was a better person than I thought then, and that says something, because my respect for her grew considerably over the course of the games. She was a good woman."
"Chel was one of the most amazing people I ever met." Ava admitted, "I miss her so much." She whimpered again, the emotions of longing for her old friend returning to her in full force. "I've never had a friend like Chel in my life. I wish Wes could have gotten to know her. He would have liked her, I think. He definitely needed to learn to laugh a bit—we both did."

"There's not a whole lot to laugh about here in Panem," Vigo reminded her, "although if there's a spirit of rebellion present in even some small form in District 2, that's something to think about. There's no point in staying up all night out here though. Perhaps you should get some rest. Not even 24 hours ago you were riding on the back of a giant bird. That's going to become the stuff of legend, kid."

"I'm fine," Ava shook her head. "I just need some time."

"I'm just a couple doors over if you need me then, kid." He patted her back before leaving her alone on the balcony. Ava stared out into the distance for a while, appreciating the silence, although it was truly a bittersweet moment. She never felt so alone in her life, and in the silence, she longed for her brother Wes, and for her best friend Chel.

She was not sure what had happened, but she found herself waking up in her bed, still fully dressed in her beautiful interview gown. To top it off, she found herself being woken up by Junichi.

"Rise and shine, my lovely!" she beamed, "today's the day—you get to go home! You get to see District 12 again!"
As bubbly as Junichi was, Ava could tell her words were sincere. She sat up, rubbing her eyes, and for a moment, the realization of the escort's words finally dawned upon her.

The nightmare was over. Aveline was finally going home.