-๑-๑ ஜ ๑-*0*-๑ ஜ ๑-๑-
ஜ Chapter 35: You can do it ஜ
-Shizuo´s point of view-
Shizu-
He was crying.
He actually-
"Shizu-chan-" the pang of guilt that struck his chest when he faced the blond robbed him of the ability to breathe. It was a suffocating feeling that gripped his heart in a tight lock.
He had no idea what to do, this wasn´t what he wanted-
He really didn´t want this-
"I´m sorry- I just-" he felt as though he was starting to panic, he didn´t know what to do-
He didn't even get what was happening in the first place- this situation just somehow wasn´t in his control, it was just slipping away from him.
Shizu-chan was crying- he was asking him what to do-
For a second he felt as though he was making Shizuo suffer like he had been for so long.
The blond blinked quickly, realizing what he was doing and raised his wrist to rub away the stupid tears. He didn´t want to make the raven look like that- he didn't want to burden Izaya any more than he already was.
Shit-
And yet somehow this feeling was nagging at him so hard. It was almost as if the thought had engraved itself into his mind.
He wanted Izaya back... his Izaya. The asshole Izaya, the one that teased him, the one that followed him anywhere just to drive him insane.
The smiling Izaya, the Izaya that seemed like he could take on the world and him on top.
He couldn´t help but feel something clench inside his chest at the thought.
Seeing him like this, getting to know him like this, it was different, and yet it wasn´t like he hated Izaya for it.
He couldn´t even grasp what it was that made him feel so desperate. What it was that he felt he missed-
Just... Izaya.
He was all over his mind-
Just...
He didn´t know when the urge to just hold the flea tight had become so urgent he acted upon his instincts, but right now he couldn´t just not do it.
He was just terribly afraid of losing the flea.
He had always been, ever since the start there was this feeling in his gut making him nauseous just at the thought, but now? It was getting stronger and stronger by the day, he felt like suffocating just thinking about what Izaya was thinking about.
He wasn´t even able to imagine him being gone and the prospect of that happening was freaking him out like nothing else in his life so far.
His arms wrapped quickly around the tense and obviously surprised flea. He could feel hair tips tickling his neck as he rested his head on the raven´s shoulder. He could feel him breath, could almost hear the even beats of his heart.
"I´m sorry-" he whispered softly, knowing he wasn´t doing anything right now to help the flea get better, he almost feared he was doing the opposite instead-
Izaya felt a bit trapped. He didn´t see it coming-
Neither of the two- He didn't think he would ever see Shizuo cry. And he definitely didn´t see it coming when he hugged him either.
He didn´t know what to do, but he didn´t intend to struggle either.
"Tell me, okay?" the blond said, leaning away just the slightest bit. Izaya felt his hands slip off him and cup his cheeks softly instead as he locked eyes with him.
Shizuo couldn´t make sense of what he was doing nor what he was feeling.
What the hell was even going on with him? He wanted Izaya to see him, to look at him properly.
He found himself wanting to hold the flea tight, selfishly he felt he wanted to kiss the raven one again. He wanted Izaya.
"Just tell me, if there is anything-" he almost pleaded. "I would do literally anything if it makes you feel better." Shizuo didn´t even know what he was saying. He already knew that Izaya didn´t have some sort of plan or knew the secret to cure him real quick. He knew that and yet... he couldn´t help but hope somewhere in the back of his mind that maybe Izaya had at least an idea. Something he could work with, something he could keep trying.
"Anything is quite the vast description," Izaya mumbled with shaky lips, not able to hold the blond´s stare as he felt his own eyes getting wet.
He knew it- and yet he didn´t really see it coming.
Shizu-chan had always been someone indestructible in his mind, someone that could take anything.
He didn't know why Shizuo even cared so much about him, but he did, and seeing him like this, he now understood that it was hurting him inside- seeing how he was able to hurt him like this, it was almost destroying him.
There was no way he could tell him that nothing he did was going to change his mindset... Not after everything he did for him- he was trying so hard, he couldn´t just tell him it was useless.
Shizu-chan was asking him things that Izaya knew he didn´t expect and answer on- and yet he felt as though he was the one who should be providing at least something.
"It´s just..." his lips felt weary as he spoke, the blond still looking at him intently.
He knew being truthful would be like slapping the blond across his face, and yet... he knew if he told him anything else he would notice it.
Shizu-chan would, he recognized his lies by now.
"... today, I just don´t feel especially well, okay...?" he started mumbling, putting out his feelings, what was going on in his mind.
"Why?"
Why he asked... Shizu-chan was just meaning well and yet, Izaya was already getting stressed out because he couldn´t answer that question without hurting him.
"...I have just been thinking about something... I don´t know it´s just... a bad day, maybe, tomorrow I might be better, so... " Somehow he was just feeling so much guilt, it felt harder to speak with each word he said because he just couldn´t express himself all of a sudden. He had always been so good with words, but now- "Please don´t cry..."he begged the blond. He couldn´t stand the sight- he couldn´t stand knowing that he was tearing the man down he was secretly having feelings for since high school. "I´m sorry I don´t have any answers for you... I, I don´t know what would help me, I can´t think of anything, it might sound stupid but I´m just as lost as you are..." He knew he was trying to help, he really was and he was giving his very best, and that even though Izaya had been annoying him and causing so much trouble his whole life long- he knew it and he couldn´t even put into words what that made him feel, and yet... he just didn´t know- "if I could think of something I would tell you, really I would- but-"
Feeling the pair of arms wrap around him again the words got caught in his throat.
Stop.
Shizuo understood.
"I got it..."
This wasn´t leading anywhere good. He felt as though if he let the flea talk on like this they would both end up getting even more desperate.
It wasn´t like the flea was dragging him down with him, but he felt as though something was starting to nag at him similar to what Izaya felt. The pain of the thought of losing Izaya, was it this kind of nonexistent physical pain that Izaya felt? All the time?
He felt the raven shake his head softly within the hug, clearing his throat again.
"Shizu-chan, I´m sorry I just don´t-"
"Shhh, I got it. You don´t have to say any more."
If that was the case, then he just wanted Izaya to smile. He felt as though if Izaya just smiled this heavy weigh on his chest would lift. Even if it was for just a bit.
He couldn't be weak, not now, not in front of Izaya, not when he was relying on him.
Shizuo was the only one who knew, Shizuo was the only one who was there for him who tried to help. If he gave in to defeat then who would help Izaya?
He wanted to see Izaya smile. And if Shizuo felt that way this heavy feeling would disappear, then maybe if he smiled as well, it would help lift Izaya´s weigh at least a bit.
He wanted Izaya.
He needed Izaya.
"You know, you are actually pretty damn precious to me flea," the blond spoke with firm words, knowing full well what he was saying.
"Precious?"
"Sounds odd, but I really feel that way." the blond repeated, not backing down neither in his voice and tune, nor as a whole physical.
"You are strong, you are fast, intelligent, witty, no one could ever beat you at running away or leaving someone at a loss of words. You have so many strengths, I mean you survived me, the walking disaster since high school."
Izaya actually had to smile just the slightest bit at that. Remembering high school and how he ran away from the brute... yeah he certainly did survive that. If not for Shizu-chan he would have never mastered parkour the way he did.
"I would say you are a fucking walking miracle, Izaya." That´s right. Izaya had done so many impressive things.
"So I know you can do this." He should have more faith in him. Maybe not trust him, but believe in what he could do. He shouldn´t treat him like a raw egg that was going to break on its own. More like a dragon that injured his wings momentarily.
"For a second I forgot that, but you know you are pretty damn stubborn, you aren´t easy to take down. The Orihara Izaya I know doesn´t just back down."
He nodded softly, as if to confirm it himself.
"You can do this, I´m sure of it."
He tightened his hug softly.
"And I will do anything to help you okay?" He couldn't just let the flea deal with this by himself, no physical action he took could help him with what was going on in his head. He had to challenge the problem itself, not just the way Izaya acted.
"Just tell me, tell me what bothers you and what you feel like doing and what you don´t feel like." Maybe if he just did what Izaya wanted maybe that would help. Forcing what he believed might be good for him on the raven might not be the right way.
"You can do it. I´m sure of it, you are so smart I bet you can think your way out of this or something."
The raven averted his eyes.
Think his way out, huh?
... where?
Where did he take that confidence from?
Just now Shizu-chan had been just as desperate as he was, and now?
Just where did he get this confidence from, this ability to look ahead?
Somehow Izaya felt a bit at ease. Sure, Shizuo had just said what came to his mind and the promises he made he was nowhere near being able to keep... and yet. He felt as though he calmed down a bit.
And somehow he found himself craving for that warmth.
He could feel the warmth radiate from the blond´s skin. He could feel his heart beat and that soft breath tickling his neck with every word he spoke.
He wanted to withdraw in this feeling of being sheltered.
The blond stood there, still hugging the flea. But no response to what he said followed. Unsure if maybe he had said something wrong yet again he loosened his hold on the raven just the slightest bit- only to feel something else.
"Just tell me what you want," Shizuo whispered, loosening his arms a bit in the intention to let go but a slight tug by Izaya´s hands was keeping him.
Only softly, hesitantly, but surely Izaya was holding onto the blond.
"... then… just for a while-" he didn´t need to say more as Shizuo pulled the flea close again, getting what he meant.
And so he tightened his hug again, just holding him close.
He could feel those thin arms hold onto his shirt, and Izaya´s face nuzzling into his shoulder, hiding.
Letting his hands travel over the raven´s back and he tried to give the raven at least some sort of comfort.
"Do you want to tell me what it is you are thinking about...?" he asked, brushing through the raven hair.
Only softly he felt the louse shake his head.
Izaya didn´t want to.
Really didn´t want to.
No more talking
Just comfort seeking.
It was just too much right now.
He felt he was losing himself.
Control slipping from him.
He didn´t want to fall.
And yet the wounds were all too fresh- he didn´t want to return to that- and yet, if Shizu-chan weren´t there right now, if he really let him do what he wanted, what would he do?
He could barely eat anything, except for soup.
When he thought about it there was still nothing enjoyable he could even look forward to.
It was just this whole mindset.
If Shizu-chan left him alone for a day, no scratch the day, for an hour. Free to do as he pleased-
What would he really do?
It was frightening to think about it.
So this, right now, just letting himself shut off for a second- it was nice.
He wondered why but somehow near the blond like this his thoughts seemed to calm down a bit.
Stepping back just a bit the blond leaned against an oddly formed stone, still holding the flea tight of course. The raven couldn´t help but feel awkward at the proximity and this odd way of... just being next to each other without words.
When had he ever stayed next to someone he knew without saying anything for a whole minute? He was always the one to strike conversations- and yet... this silent atmosphere was not bad.
He felt himself being captivated by the way Shizu-chan kept brushing over his hair and back. Just continuing the soothing motion.
So soft. And gentle. He wasn´t used to be treated like this. Not even his mum did this sort of thing. Not to speak that he would have never expected this sort of treatment from someone like Shizu-chan.
The wind brushed through the leafes, setting them into motion. The sun was shining through the spaces in between and fresh air was surrounding them, way fresher than he knew it from Ikebukuro.
It was odd but even though it was him that was feeling like shit he was more concerned about Shizu-chan and how he made them feel with all this...
"... just sitting here. You will get bored, won´t you?" he whispered, honestly wanting an answer to his question.
"If you don´t want to talk that´s okay." Just like this, having Izaya close like this... Shizuo wouldn´t want anything more.
Leaning back on the stone he tightened his hug on the flea, letting his nose nuzzle into those black hair tips. He could feel the body in his arms, so lithe, so... easy to break... it was odd, almost funny, but it was only now that he was able to pinpoint this longing feeling as what it was.
He...
"I´m here."
... loved the flea didn´t he?
It was odd, but Izaya didn´t feel out of place at all... he felt safe. Somehow. It was odd because it was so illogical. And yet he just craved for this warmth. And this time he didn´t feel it was far away. It was right there, right in front of him.
"I will stay as long as you want me to."
Shizu-chan wasn´t running away. He was telling him sweet, sweet words, maybe even lies, but Izaya was tired of analyzing everything he said only to find his own reasoning to twist the words into something his sick mind wanted to hear.
"Okay."
He concentrated on his surroundings instead letting his eyes trail over the scenery.
He saw little caterpillars, the grass slightly moving in the wind, clouds passing and the sun disappearing and reappearing to warm his skin.
He noticed all the details.
What kind of bushes there were, the trees, the warmth, feeling a bit cold in the places Shizu-chan wasn´t hugging him.
Shizu-chan´s heartbeat.
His breathing, rising and falling of his chest. That hand moving over his head, his shoulders, comforting. Hair tickling his cheek and neck.
He could feel Shizu-chan´s back beneath his finger tips.
The warmth. Shizu-chan always seemed to be warm.
He found himself nuzzling into the touch. And he started to feel himself getting tired.
Just relaxed.
Was it because the tension was fading a bit? Had he been that exhausted? So much on the edge?
He didn't know. All he knew was that he wanted to sleep for a bit. Just doze, right here. It seemed as though he was in some sort of bubble.
No one was here.
Except him and Shizu-chan.
And it felt nice.
To be continued~
Now, this wasn´t sad C: I hope gosh- xD Half of the chapter was practically one huge hug xD seriously tho C': Right now Izaya is feeling oki, as a little spoiler he actually dozes off as well xD So, since there is now a one month breaky I hope you won´t curse me too much now since I gave you something good before the long wait xD
Guest 2: You know I noticed something in this chapter that I didn´t intentionally consider while writing xD but actually the more Shizuo realizes he loves the flea, the more it´s also killing him to see Izaya like this- that was unintended but it just came that way xD Daw poor Shizu. Poor Izzy, but now it´s going to get better C: I am actually thinking of maybe including this a bit once certain event has passed C: what you said about Izaya influencing Shizuo.
FeelsAttack: dawww gomen –hugs- no worries C. Shizu won´t give up on Izaya C: All will end well you will see xD –glomps-
Now, now I have an important announcement to make C':
Sadly sadly, I will be gone now for about a month xD University exams are approaching and I really need the time to study for them all C': to be more specific I´m a nervous little shit on top of that so even when I get time I can´t concentrate on Shizaya chapters, which is why this chapter is so late xD
Ahh, anyway, the next chapters will be coming like this:
-๑-๑๑- FEBRUARY 2017 -๑๑-๑--
Sometime this week- "No escape" the end I WILL UPDATE/finish THIS ONE XDD
Wednesday 1st
Picture(s) ? Chu will get a little eyecandy or two as a treaty for being absent so long C:
(Done: 1 of ? eyecandies)
MoNDAy 6th
The wish to disappear (36)
A single touch (8)
Sinful Desire (10)
MoNDAy 12th
Survival of the doomed (20)
Behind closed doors (18)
START: NEW STORY: Shingeki no Shizuo (Shingeki no kyojin crossover) (1)
So this is how it´s going to be C': Sorry for being so late again xD And for the breaky C': see you all in February! *0* With hopefully all exams passed and done- xDDDD