Lily,
I thought it best not to wake you.
I've left some things in the study – food, clothing, potions (should you need them). Make yourself comfortable and be sure to get plenty of rest.
I'll check on you this afternoon if I can slip away. If not, I'll see you this evening.
S
PS – Do not leave these rooms under any circumstances.
Setting the letter aside, Lily glanced at the clock on the bedside table. It was just after 9 AM, meaning she had the entire day to herself. But what to do with all that free time?
As a cat, she'd spent her days eating, napping, grooming, and roaming around the castle. As a human? Well, wandering the halls was out of the question, and she didn't feel like going back to sleep. But food sounded good, and so she slipped out of bed, padding to the study where she found several platters waiting on the table. She helped herself to eggs, sausages, and toast, happy that the food was still warm. Severus had even left her a pot of tea, which was nice and hot thanks to a well-placed Stasis Charm.
Eating with utensils was awkward at first, but she soon got the hang of it, making short work of her meal as she pondered the other items on the table. Clothing, a hairbrush, a few odds and ends meant for personal care. She recognized them all, yet the thought of using them on herself was disconcerting, to say the least. Should she wear the blue robes or the green ones? What was she supposed to do with her hair? Trivial matters, perhaps, but bewildering all the same.
In the past, she would've chosen the green robes, left her hair loose or maybe scooped it into a ponytail. But she wasn't that girl anymore, was she? No, she was a grown woman, one who hadn't even seen her own reflection in nearly two decades. She knew she had arms, legs, a body, all of which were distinctly human. Her hands looked normal enough, as did her feet, and she could feel the weight of her hair against her back.
Beyond that? Nothing.
Of course, there were mirrors in the bathroom, but she'd still been Polyjuiced when she'd encountered them the night before. She'd gazed at Severus's face for quite some time, shaping her lips into one of his rare smiles and finding comfort there. But the idea of looking at her own reflection? That was… terrifying. What if she didn't recognize herself? What if the resurrection had distorted her appearance, leaving her with the face of a stranger?
Silly, perhaps, but these fears had nothing to do with pride or vanity. She just needed proof of who she was, something familiar to cling to in this strange reality where any concept of "self" had yet to be defined. What waited in that mirror could either anchor her, giving her a tangible reminder of what it meant to be Lily… or it would set her even further adrift.
Still, there was no sense in putting it off any longer. Taking a deep breath, she gathered the items Severus had left for her and headed for the bathroom, closing the door behind her before turning to face the full-length mirror on the opposite wall.
"Oh… "
The woman staring back at her was hopelessly disheveled, hair spilling in a wild array of tangles down her back. But that hair was red, the exact shade she remembered… lighter than auburn, darker than copper. Her face… slightly older, but still hers, right down to the tiny, barely perceptible scar at the edge of her hairline. The eyes were the same, vividly green, surrounded by a thick fringe of dark lashes. That nose her mother had lovingly described as "pert"… those lips she'd thought of as a trifle too plump. The same high cheekbones Petunia had always envied, slightly flushed and damp with tears…
Her eyes drifted lower, taking in the overly large shirt that had slipped off one shoulder, leaving her breast exposed. When had that happened? She hadn't even noticed, though that was hardly surprising after spending so many years as an animal. Definitely something she'd have to be more careful about in the future. Not that Severus would be offended, but…
"Oh god." Letting out a groan, she buried her face in her hands, wondering how she could've been so oblivious. His flimsy excuses. Shooting them all down until he'd finally given up and laid down beside her. Falling asleep, only to be startled awake when he'd sprung from the bed and hurried to the bathroom. Wondering what was taking him so long, whether she should call out and ask if he was okay. Fighting to keep her eyes open as she'd waited for his return…
In retrospect, it was painfully obvious, yet it hadn't even crossed her mind at the time. She'd just wanted him beside her, had seen no reason why he should sleep elsewhere when they'd been sharing a bed for years. It had never occurred to her that from his perspective, there was a huge difference between sleeping with a cat and a woman he clearly found attractive. Especially when that woman had been half naked to boot.
Poor Severus. Should she apologize? No, that would only embarrass him. Besides, she needed time to get used to the idea. Not that it was a surprise… he'd made his feelings abundantly clear, even if he'd never put them into words. But realizing it was now possible for him to act on those feelings? That was something new, both frightening and intriguing. To think that he could've pulled her into his arms last night, unfastened his trousers and made love to her right then and there…
Lily shivered, unbuttoning her shirt and letting it fall to the floor. Mesmerized by the sight of her body, she ran her hands over her breasts, across her stomach and gently curving hips. She looked exactly the same, from her long legs to the light dusting of freckles on her shoulders. Even her birthmark was still there, a dark smudge on her otherwise unblemished thigh. She'd always hated that thing, disguising it with makeup or concealment charms. Even James had never seen it.
It seemed so silly now, all that fuss over her appearance. Hiding her birthmark. Worrying that her breasts were too small, then too large after she'd had a child. Fretting over her stretch marks, now faint, silvery lines she could hardly see without squinting. Going on diets when her Muggle jeans felt a little tight, brewing potions to help her shed her post baby weight. Granted, she'd never thought of herself as ugly, but still… had she ever truly loved herself just the way she was?
No. She hadn't known how precious her body was, imperfections and all. She'd had to live without it to understand its importance, to decide that she'd never hide those flaws again. Not from herself… and not from Severus either if it came to that. She'd give him all of herself, fully understanding what a gift it was to be able to do so.
An intriguing concept, though one that would have to wait. She was only beginning to learn how to function as a human again, hardly knew how to take care of herself let alone anyone else. As eager as she was to make her feelings known, she simply wasn't ready, no matter how much she would've loved to pretend otherwise. She needed to get a handle on the basics first. The rest would come in time.
With that thought in mind, she stepped over to the tub and turned on the faucet, inhaling deeply as the scent of lavender filled the room. The tub was similar to the one she remembered from the Prefects' bathroom, though smaller, a perfect oval carved from pristine white marble and sunk into the floor. Like its counterpart, it filled up in a matter of seconds, translucent bubbles dancing across the surface as she lowered herself into the water with a blissful sigh.
She'd forgotten how much she'd loved baths… warmth, comfort, all of her tension melting away as she leaned her head against the edge of the tub and lost herself in thought. The familiar ritual brought back so many memories… herself as a little girl, splashing around in the foamy water while insisting she was a mermaid. Fights with Petunia, who'd always accused her of hogging the bathroom. Then coming to Hogwarts, and…
Petunia? Lily frowned, nearly dropping the bottle of shampoo she was holding. Harry.
"My god," she whispered, as the last traces of shock abruptly disappeared. She was human. This was real. And the enormity of what that meant, everything that might be possible now? This wasn't just a matter of learning to use a fork again, remembering how to wash behind her ears or wondering what clothes to wear. It was a brand new life, a chance to do all the things she'd only dreamed of for years beyond counting. Revelations to be made… conversations to be had…
Naturally, some of those would have to wait. But she could talk to Severus, truly talk to him, tell him things she'd been forced to keep to herself for far too long. And Harry… surely he could know the truth now, even if she still had to conceal it from the rest of the world. How would he react? Would he be angry with her for not revealing herself before now? Could she make him understand why she hadn't?
Lily climbed out of the tub, her mind spinning off in a hundred directions as she grabbed a towel and wrapped it around herself. A drying charm would've been far more convenient, leading her to another conclusion. She needed a wand. With Death Eaters lurking about the castle, the threat of war hanging over their heads…
Or had the war already begun? She had no idea what was happening on the outside, only that Voldemort had attempted to capture Harry over the summer and that Severus had thwarted those plans, enduring a terrible punishment in the process. Harry had gone into hiding, at Grimmauld Place, or so she assumed. But where was he now? Today was the start of term… was he on his way back to Hogwarts?
No, of course not. Death Eaters masquerading as teachers, Voldemort's most trusted servant acting as headmaster? Severus would've done everything in his power to keep him from harm, of course, but Harry couldn't know that. From his perspective, showing up here would've been tantamount to suicide. And then there was that business about the Horcruxes…
Distracted by her thoughts, Lily slipped on a loose cotton nightgown, then headed back into the study. Unfortunately, there were no current issues of the Daily Prophet lying around, nothing to help her figure out what was going on. She gathered a handful of books instead, rudimentary volumes on Charms and Transfiguration to help her pass the time until Severus's return.
Carrying the books into the bedroom, she glanced at the clock again, then let out a heavy sigh. 12:47?
It was going to be a long day.
"Headmaster? The train has just pulled into the station."
"Very well, Alecto. I'll be down shortly."
Severus waited for the door to close behind the hideous woman, then leaned forward, pinching the bridge of his nose. Would this day ever end? He'd been up to his ears in paperwork since 6 AM, between impromptu meetings and last-minute instructions for the staff at large. How many times had he glanced over at the tapestry, maddened to have Lily so close, yet beyond his reach? A couple times, he'd risen from his chair and headed in that direction, only to be thwarted by another knock, another owl swooping through the window with a message that demanded his immediate attention.
Now he had no chance to slip away. In a matter of minutes, the students would be filing into the Great Hall, ready for the Sorting ceremony and ensuing feast. A tiresome, prolonged affair under any circumstances, made infinitely worse by his new position. Rather than sitting off to one side, applauding when appropriate or making small talk with the other professors, he'd be front and center, expected to preside over the whole damn thing.
Well, nothing to do but get it over with.
"Severus?"
He blinked, glancing over at the portrait which had remained uncharacteristically silent all day. "Yes?"
"You've done well so far, but you must be careful. They will be testing you tonight, looking for any signs of weakness. You must… "
"I know what I have to do," he snapped, tired of suppressing his irritation. "Far better than you do, I imagine."
Dumbledore raised an eyebrow. "I conducted the opening ceremonies for many years, Severus."
"Indeed." Rising from his seat, Severus took a step closer to the portrait. "All right, then. Why don't you tell me what it was like to stand behind that podium, knowing that every person in the room would prefer to see you dead?"
"Not everyone, surely. Your Slytherins… "
"Are under the influence of their parents, all of whom would be happy to usurp my position in the Dark Lord's favor. They might be inclined to tolerate me more than the others, but only as a matter of practicality. They'd strike me down in an instant if they thought they could get away with it, if they saw any advantage in doing so."
"That's a rather bleak perception, even for you. I find it hard to believe that every student feels that way."
"Perhaps not." Severus conceded, shrugging on his outer robes. "But if I survive this night, it will have nothing to do with optimism, misplaced or not. Now if you'll excuse me… "
Dumbledore called after him as he slipped out the door, but he couldn't bring himself to care. Granted, he wasn't foolish enough to pretend he wasn't still dependent on the former headmaster in certain respects. But what he had to face tonight… suspicion, fear, outright hatred… the knowledge that the slightest misstep could spell his doom? That was all on him, for reasons a man like Dumbledore could never understand.
Sucking in a deep breath, he swept into the hall, features fixed in a stoic mask. He was greeted by absolute silence. No chatter, no rustling clothing or even an errant sniffle to break the stillness. The children stood like statues, staring at him with wide eyes as he took his position at the high table. Like the students, the professors were frozen in place, waiting for him to proceed.
"Professor McGonagall?" he said, catching several flinches out of the corner of his eye even though he'd spoken softly. "The Sorting ceremony, if you please."
"Of course… Headmaster."
He barely heard the song that followed, couldn't have repeated a single line even five minutes later. Something about preconceived notions, stripping away all masks to get to the truth of the matter. Rising above all expectations and achieving one's potential? Whatever. He just wanted the damn ceremony to be over with, a desire that wasn't helped by the fact that most of the children hesitated before approaching the stool. One girl in particular, a tiny thing with braided pigtails, refused to step forward at all until Minerva took her by the hand.
"Hufflepuff!" the hat shouted, startling the girl so badly that she knocked over the stool. She glanced over her shoulder at him, her eyes full of terror, as if she expected him to hurl a curse at her for the supposed offense.
"Go to your table, Miss Whitmore," he said quietly. "Your housemates are waiting for you."
"Zabinsky, Zara," Minerva called, and then at last, it was over. Severus rose to his feet, his eyes sweeping across the room before he cleared his throat and began to speak.
"Welcome to Hogwarts. Those of you who are joining us for the first time this year do so with a distinct advantage. Discipline. Respect. Academic excellence. You will learn the importance of these values from day one." He paused, glowering at several of the older students before he continued. "As for our returning pupils, be advised that behaviors that were tolerated in the past are no longer acceptable at this school. My predecessor might've looked the other way, but trust that I will not do the same. Break the rules, and you will pay the consequences. Do I make myself clear?"
The question was met by silence.
"I said, 'Do I make myself clear?'"
"Yes, Headmaster," a voice piped up from the back of the room, gradually joined by a handful of others.
"Very well. Prefects? You will find copies of our code of conduct in your Common Rooms, along with a list of reminders from Mr. Filch. Be sure to review these documents with your housemates before you retire."
"Yes, Headmaster."
With a sigh of relief, Severus returned to his seat, withdrawing his wand as he did so. He tapped it on the table, once, twice, and the platters filled with food, bringing an end to the most trying part of his evening.
"Eat," he commanded, though he couldn't bring himself to touch the meal.
Returning to his quarters was like stepping into another world. Dimly lit and peaceful, the rooms smelled faintly of lavender, a fragrance that eased some of the tension in his muscles as he shrugged off his outer robes.
"Lily?" he called, keeping his voice low in case she was asleep.
"In the bedroom."
She was reclining on the bed, hair spilling across the pillow like a living flame beneath the candlelight. An open book lay in her hands, her lips curving into a brilliant smile that knocked the breath right out of him.
"You look… " He trailed off, at a loss for words.
"Better, I hope."
"Much. How are you feeling?"
"Good." She sat up, setting her book aside. "I was a little tired this afternoon, but nothing a nap couldn't fix. Didn't even need the potions."
"I'm glad to hear it. And the other things I left for you… you were able to manage well enough?"
Stupid question with her sitting right in front of him, dressed in a clean nightgown, her hair freshly brushed. He could pretend nonchalance in the face of the most powerful Dark wizard in existence, say all the right things whenever he needed to do so. Yet being around Lily had a way of making him feel like a clumsy schoolboy, leaving him fumbling over even the most basic attempts at conversation. Would that become easier in time? He hoped so.
"Yes, thank you. It was easier than I'd expected, really. I ended up taking two baths… had forgotten how much I liked them."
"Well." He cleared his throat, pushing away an image of her lying naked in a tub of soapy water. "Feel free to take as many as you please."
"What about you?" she said after a moment.
Puzzled, he frowned. "What about me?"
"How are you feeling?"
Severus couldn't remember the last time anyone had asked him that. What could he tell her? That he was sore, exhausted, famished, dreading the days to come yet looking forward to them all the same simply because she was here? Or maybe that he was more terrified than he'd ever been, thrilled by her presence… paralyzed by the thought of losing her all over again?
"I… " He took a deep breath, then sighed. "I've had better days."
She moved a little closer, giving him a sympathetic look. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"Not particularly. At any rate, it was nothing I didn't expect. I'd rather just forget about it for a while."
"All right," she said. "Well, have you eaten?"
"No."
"Why don't you order up some sandwiches? You can do that, right?"
"Of course, but… "
"I'm a bit hungry myself, actually. A sandwich sounds good."
Lily smiled to herself as Severus left to get the food. She'd always had her own special way of manipulating him, tactics she'd learned when they'd still been children. Whenever he'd neglected to do something for his own sake, she'd pretend that the need was hers. She might've been warm, but if she'd noticed him shivering, she'd insist she wanted to go sit in the sun. When he'd grumbled over a tedious assignment, she'd ask for assistance with hers, helping him complete his own in the process.
And now, he wouldn't have bothered to retrieve the food for himself, but for her…
In truth, she wasn't hungry at all. But he didn't need to know that. She'd nibble on a sandwich then announce that she was full, leaving him with no reason not to eat the rest.
Rising from the bed, she headed for the sitting room, struck by another idea. If she offered him the bed, he'd never accept it, insisting that she was still recovering and needed to sleep in comfort. But if she fell asleep on the couch (or pretended to, at least), he'd have no other choice. And why not? She could crawl back into bed as soon as he left in the morning, sleep all day if she wished to do so. But he had precious few hours to rest, and she intended to help him make the most of them.
"I hope you like roast beef," Severus said as he entered the room, carrying a platter. "I couldn't remember."
"I do."
"Good. Well, help yourself. I'll be right back with the tea."
They ate without speaking, which was somehow awkward and comfortable at the same time. She wanted to say something, give voice to the dozens of questions she'd never been able to ask him before. But where to start? How could she begin to make up for more than twenty years of silence?
In the end, she just blurted out the first question that came to mind, not realizing what she was about to say until it was too late.
"Severus?"
"Hmmm?"
"Why do you hate Harry?"