Authors Note: It's pretty obvious most of you weren't into last chapter. I'm hoping more of you will be into this chapter.
Never Let Me Go
It's peaceful in the deep
Cathedral where you cannot breathe
No need to pray, no need to speak
Now I am under
The longer Haley stays with Jax, the more she feels the distance between them disappear. The more she begins to see that Jax is still the guy she knew before; the same guy she's always known, and time doesn't change that. At first they were feeling each other out, like walking on shards of glass, they weren't sure what to expect of each other, but the longer she's there the more they fall back into their old groove. A well-worn path they both know by heart even when they think they've forgotten it. That crooked smile of his, her sharp playful tongue, it's all still there, they just had to relax to find it. She's finally beginning to see that things are different between them, but that difference started before she left. That distance started when they crossed that unspoken line and now they have to finally figure out what that means.
She's found her way back to the garage and clubhouse. With Abel on her hip, helping Gemma with paperwork for the shop, keeping the clubhouse stocked for the guys, but unlike before, Haley doesn't go to the parties. Watching Abel is an easy excuse for anyone who might ask her to come. She tells herself she doesn't go because she's trying to make better choices and that is part of it, but the part she doesn't admit is she doesn't want to see Jax with other women. She understands he isn't hers; she understands how it works with the guys at club parties. Hell, she grew up understanding, but instinctually she knows, she doesn't want to watch it either.
Haley stares at the woman across from her, seated in a leather arm chair. Her elegantly decorated office is filled with books, art, and other thought provoking pieces. It's an office Haley knows is designed to set her at ease and it does. It's everything inside of her that is on edge. The woman across from her is in her late-forties, in a camel colored pastel pantsuit that compliments her chestnut hair. Her hair is cut in a bob a-line with designer glasses that make her look sharp, educated, and knowledgeable. There's a confidence in her posture that Haley notes.
A woman who stares kindly, but intently at Haley, awaiting the answer to her questions. What brought Haley here? What would she like to get out of these sessions?
It's a question that takes Haley a moment to answer. When she had decided to seek out professional help, she had no way of knowing how hard it would be to dig up old graves and take a good look at the bodies she's kept buried for so long. She had no idea how hard it word be to verbalize these things.
Haley sucks in a long breath, her fidgeting hands tuck her hair behind her ear.
"Well…" She slowly starts.
"I'm sure you can see from the paperwork I filled out that I've gone through some shit." The pressure builds in her chest with each word, slowly tightening. She lets out an uneasy cough to clear her throat.
"I convinced myself I was ok with all that as long as I didn't admit what went on." Haley admits with a heavy heart.
A rattled breath pushed past her lips as Haley forces herself to continue. Uneasiness itching under her skin, Haley resists the urge to run like she normally would.
"But it wasn't true. The shit I've been through… It's fucked up everything good in my life. Drove me to hurt the people I love, hurt myself." Haley admits as her heart twists and tears sting her eyes.
"And I've finally had enough. I don't want what I've been through to ruin my life anymore." Haley finishes strong.
She doesn't say the words, abuse, rape. She isn't ready for that. She isn't sure those words wont choke on her lips. But for the first time ever, she wants to get there. Get to a place where she can talk about what happened. A place where she holds the control, instead of it controlling her.
Haley had been so deep in thought, she almost hadn't heard the front door open and close. It was late, she had put Abel down to sleep hours ago. Jax had called to say it would be a late night, but this was later than she expected. Something was stirring up with or around the club. Haley didn't know what, but she knew the signs. Things had been quiet with the club for some time, but Haley still remembered the signs, what it was like when she was little.
She had been young when they were at war with the Mayans, but not too young to not understand the threat. She remembers the fear in the father's eyes. The way everyone in the club was always looking over their shoulder, armed to the teeth. The way she and Ope couldn't go out alone. The way her mother was always screaming at her dad about safety, threatening to take her away. She remembers the turmoil in JT's eyes, it looked like death. Reminded her of the pain she felt in her heart after Thomas died. And for years after she had been convinced it was that look in his eyes that had killed him.
The look in Jax's eyes now, it was different in intensity than the fear she saw when they had been at war, but there was a distinct intensity all the same.
Her gaze pulls away from her laptop as she hears Jax's heavy steps drag down the hall. Moments later he appears in her doorway, his weight coming to rest against the doorframe as he offers her a tired smile. Exhaustion weighs on his face, his shoulders are slumped as he gazes upon her with heavy lidded eyes.
"Long night?" Haley asks rhetorically as she pats the empty space on the bed beside her, beckoning him over.
Pushing off the doorframe, Jax nods slowly as he moves to her bed. Slipping his kutte off his shoulders, Jax lays it atop her dresser and kicks off his sneakers before he lowers down on her bed. She watches as he stares up at the ceiling silently.
"Wanna talk about it?" Haley offers, her gaze fixed upon him.
The guys usually don't. It wasn't the code within the club, it wasn't the code of a man. They were supposed to carry their burdens on their own. Besides most old ladies couldn't handle the truth, but Haley knew she could. She craved it. Craved the opportunity to lighten the load they all carried too heavily on their heart.
Jax runs a heavy hand down his face. "Not really," He admits.
His gaze holding up to the ceiling for several long moments before his face turns to her, a disarming smile lifting his tired features.
"Why you up so late?" He asks, changing the subject
Haley bites her lip to fight the feelings fluttering to life inside her with his crooked grin, before turning back to her laptop screen.
"I was picking out my classes for next semester. Looks like I can transfer back to Stockton community pretty easily." She nervously admits, unsure what he's going to think, but hoping he'll be happy for her.
Taking college classes was a detail she hadn't revealed yet. Unsure if it would work in her life back home, but in the past week she had made her mind up. She wasn't going to drop out like she did before. She was going to make something of herself.
"Classes?" Jax's asks, his eyebrow curving up into a distinct questioning arch.
Haley nods as she tries to play it cool. "I went back to school while I was away. Ope really wanted that for me… And I figured out I did too." She says, trying to make light of it.
She knows if anyone will be happy for her it's Jax, but she also knows everyone thinks all she did while she was away was sell her body, even though that wasn't the case. The subject seemed too touchy, too ugly to ever get into, but she wishes they understood she wasn't just an escort. She had a life too. She was helping take of Donna and kids, but she was also trying to make something of herself. Escorting wasn't the right way to go about that, Haley can see that now, but at the time it afforded her the opportunity to go to school, try and find herself, and her brother's family.
"That's great, Hales. I always knew you were capable of so much more." Jax smiles at her, that smile that brings Haley to her knees it's so genuine and sexy. It makes his whole face light up.
"College student by day, escort by night. Sounds like a Cara Cara movie. Pretty sexy Hales." He teases her, trying to lighten her up while reassuring her that he thinks this is a great thing. He's always wanted more for her than what the life they grew up in had to offer.
Letting out a quick laugh, Haley shoves Jax's side playfully, but when his laugh turns to a low groan Haley remembers what a long day he's had.
"You sore?" Haley asks, her eyes scanning over his body with concern, noting the dirt under his nails, a few spots on his shirt she isn't sure is more dirt or dried blood.
"Yeah, a little." Jax tries to laugh off as he rolls his tight shoulders.
Closing her laptop, Haley lifts off her belly and rises to her knees.
"Take your shirt off and roll over." She orders as she motions for him to move.
She understands why so many old ladies can't handle this side of the club. Hate to see what the dirty work gets their men into, does to the men they love, but all Haley wants to do is clean up the mess and ease his pain.
Jax eyes her incredulously for a moment as a low deep laugh rumbles past his lips. "What?"
"Come on, don't be such a prude. I'll give you a back rub. It'll help you relax." She insists, not taking no for an answer, as she gives him a look that lets him know she's waiting impatiently for him to get moving.
Letting out another quick chuckle, Jax follows orders. Sitting up, he pulls off his flannel, then tugs off his white tee before turning over onto this stomach.
Bracing herself on the contours of his back, Haley slowly climbs on top of Jax. Her legs straddling his waist as she lowers down on his firm ass. Jax lets out a deep teasing groan of approval and Haley has to fight the urge to smack him in retribution.
Instead she lets her fingertips dance teasingly down his spine as punishment before she gets to work, rubbing the knots out of his muscles. His deep groans tell her she's on the right track.
Her grip is firm, but slow as she works each knot out until she feels his muscles relax beneath her hands. She hears his breath grow slower, deeper and she knows he's close to nodding off. She wishes he would have told her what happened tonight, what's going on, but she's at least happy she can bring him some relief.
She's almost done working out the knots when a noise picks up on the monitor, Abel begins to stir. Jax responds to the sound of his son so quickly that he nearly knocks Haley off the bed as he flips over. One hand grabs her hip as the other takes her waist, and Jax manages to get ahold of Haley before she tumbles off the side of the bed. Their eyes are hinged upon the baby monitor on her nightstand. Both waiting for his little cries to fill the speaker, but after a long minute, it never comes, and slowly their eyes drift to each other.
Realizing she has her hands braced upon the muscles of his bare chest as she straddles his lap, Haley swallows hard as her heart jumps to life with their precarious position. Pulling her hands back, Haley rises up on him, ready to quickly climb off, but Jax doesn't let her go. The look in his eyes is palpable it's so intense. It makes her breath hitch and her body flushes with heat. She finds it hard to breath as they stare at each other, their bodies so intimately intertwined. She feels his hand lift off her waist to cup her cheek. The look in Jax's eyes is dark and drunk with desire. She feels him grip her hip tighter, pushing her down deeper into his lap, against him. Haley can feel something tighten and coil in her belly with the feel of him beneath her, pushing up on her while his thumb tenderly stokes her cheek and the hunger in his eyes holds her captive.
Somewhere in the back of her mind Haley hears the question- what are they doing? This was dangerous and if they keep going at this rate they're going to end up doing something they might regret in the morning. Like Jax had told her back at the motel that first night, this isn't a good idea. She knows she wants him. Wants him so bad she can feel herself physically craving him from every fiber in her. And she can see in Jax's dark penetrating eyes he feels the same, but after all the shit that's gone down, everything they're still trying to work through, this isn't the best place to wind up.
Every impulse inside her is pushing her to give in. Rock her hips against him in a way that will offer them the relief they're desperate for. The old her would close her eyes, and grind down on him as she dragged his hand from her cheek down to her breasts. The old her would have them naked in no time flat, but the old her ran away from his love too. The old her sold herself for money instead returning to him, got kidnapped and barely made it out alive. The old her was only living for the feeling and it ruined everything good she ever had.
Closing her eyes, Haley turned her mouth into his hand, softly kissing his palm. Breaking from his grip, Haley slowly climbs off his lap, and lowers herself to the mattress. She stares up at the ceiling as she fights to slow down her breath, fights to cool down her body. She's missed him so bad and the way he can make her feel things no one else can, but she's trying to make better choices and if they had kept going it only would've made things more complicated, instead of fixing them. Haley feels the bed shift and she instantly reaches out for him before he can leave. Grabbing his arm as he rises off the bed.
"Stay," Haley practically begs as his eyes meet her own. Releasing his arm, Haley climbs under the blankets before pulling them down on his side.
"You don't have to go." She says a little steadier this time.
Jax holds her gaze for a long moment. She can see him weighing the options behind his clear blue eyes. With a silent nod, Jax drops his jeans before climbing back in with her. Like two bookends they find each other. Her head resting against his chest as his arms wrap around her, before they both drift away under the weight of a long day.
The sun is still hiding beneath a blanket of stars when Abel wakes. His cries filling to room, echoing from the monitor. Haley comes out of a dead sleep with a start, climbing over Jax as he stirs beside her in the bed. She makes it off the side of the bed before she feels a hold on her arm.
"I'll get him." She hears Jax mumble out half asleep.
Turning back to him with a gentle sleepy smile, Haley softly pushed him back against the pillows. The palm of her hand rising up to find the scruff of his face.
"You had a late night. I got him. Get some rest." She whispers before leaning down to give his lips a quick peck.
Reaching Abel's crib a few moments later, she scoops the little guy into her arms. Snuggling him close as she softly coos to him and moves for the rocking chair. Haley really doesn't mind getting up with Abel. He's a good baby. She's learned he never really cries, not unless he needs something, and once the need is met he's peaceful again.
Sitting in the comfy gliding rocking chair, Haley holds Abel close. Singing quiet little lullaby's as his cries tapper off and he slowly drifts back to sleep. Staring at the tiny little angel in her arms, Haley feels a sense of hope and peace. As if the possibilities for the future are endless, like she belongs here. Even though she isn't his mom, it fills her with a quiet peace knowing she's here for him. As Jax's family, she would be there for Abel whether Wendy was around or not, but with Wendy's absence, Haley feels like she's filling a real need.
After getting Abel back down, Haley tried to go back to sleep, but she couldn't with sun finally peeking out on the horizon, she couldn't shake this uneasiness that rattled around inside her sometimes, especially at night. Even with Jax beside her, it was an anxiousness she couldn't subdue.
It was a feeling that left her needing to do something, burn it off, use it. And before she would have made reckless choices to elevate her anxiety, but now she's determined to better for herself. Throwing on some yoga capris and navy tank top, Haley ties back her hair. Leaving Jax a note by the nightstand in case he wakes up, she takes off. Moving out into the early morning, she takes off against the light. Haley has never been a runner, but doing it has never been a problem. She's never cared about fitness. She isn't the kind of woman who overthinks the way her body looks. The double edge sword of her past abuses, she's known from a very young age men find her attractive just as she is. So using everything uneasy coiled up inside her as fuel, Haley runs to find her liberation.
She runs until a noise catches her attention, the chiming of bells, and she finds herself coming to a stop in front of an old catholic church with a tall black rod iron fence surrounding it. Her eyes gaze upon this place, the clanging of the bells rattling through her as she catches her breath. She finds herself suddenly drawn to this place. To the answers people find her. She has never been religious, no one in her family is, but that sense of longing deep inside her does wonder where truth can be found.
So lost in her own thoughts, Haley doesn't hear anyone come up until a voice rips her from her thoughts. "Can I help you with something child?"
Haley's gaze snaps to the voice to find a priest standing across the fence from her. Shaking her head, Haley drops her eyes and takes a step back from the fence.
"No father." She answers quickly.
Suddenly unsure of what she's doing there. Why she had stopped. And keenly aware that she somehow felt unworthy of a place like this, unworthy to be engaging with a man of god.
Haley moves to leave, but his voice stops her. "Just a little faith and it'll all get better." He says.
His words taking ahold of her as she turns back to face him. His gentle eyes full of wisdom are staring back at her. Nodding, Haley smiles with thanks, before starting back up on her jog. Church doesn't have the answers she's looking for, but his message made sense all the same. She needs to have faith, faith in herself, believe that she can overcome all of it and things will finally get better.
Since Gemma took Abel for the day, Haley found herself cleaning Jax's house to kill the time. She still finds herself feeling like she needs to be useful. Jax is quick to reassure her that he wants her there, wants her to figure out what she needs, where she wants to go, but Haley can't help feeling like she needs to be useful, help him after everything he is doing for her. She had gotten the kitchen and bathrooms spotless, and was figuring out what she wanted to make them all for dinner tonight when she hears a knock at the door.
Folding the dishrag back on the edge of the sink, Haley went for the door. Out of cautious habit, and still a little on edge after being kidnapped, Haley takes a peak through the peep hole before pulling open the door. Juice's goofy smile greets her on the other side.
"Hey," She smiles back at him, the shine of his pearly whites setting her at ease.
Things may have been strained and weird between them before she left, but since she got home Haley can tell he is really trying to reach out to her, rekindle their friendship. While she and Juice hadn't been any closer than she was with the other guys before she left, they had grown closer when Opie got locked up. Despite the way things had grown complicated from that, Haley still appreciated Juice being there for her during that difficult time. And now back home, trying to rebuild her bond with the guys, Juice is a welcome face to see.
His shoulders shrug with a carefree ease. "Got a couple hours to kill and I was in the neighborhood, so I thought I'd drop by." He explained as he ran a hand down the back of his buzzed strip of hair.
"Yeah?" Haley nods, opening the door wider.
"Come on in." She calls, moving for the kitchen to put away the cleaning supplies she had been using.
Haley hears Juice follow her through the house after the door shut. Haley turns back to face him.
"You have perfect timing actually. Gemma has Abel for the day. It was getting pretty lonely being here by myself." She laughs at herself as she moves for the refrigerator.
Grabbing a cold long neck since Jax has the brand she remembered Juice likes too, Haley hands it Juice's way.
"Wanna beer?" She offers, like old times.
Haley almost misses the way Juice looks at her. Something indiscernible in his eyes, but keenly focused on her as he reaches for the beer with a nod of thanks.
Whatever the meaning behind the looks in his gentle dark eyes, it eventually passes, and Haley refuses to put too much weight on it. She enjoys Juice's company and it was the kind of look that if she thinks too hard on it it will only complicate things. Juice keeps her company that afternoon, watching Pulp Fiction, one of Haley's all-time favorite movies and catching up again. They laugh like old times and reconnect over a bowl of microwave popcorn. His company is easy and comfortable in a way Haley had a missed. In a way that leaves her thankful to have Juice back in her life.
A few days later Jax awakens to the feel of warmth and weight spread across the side of his body, resting on his arm. Still in the haze of sleep, Jax's eyes blink open. He stares at the white plaster ceiling for a brief moment as his mind pulls away from sleep. Then he's drawn to her, the feel of her, the sense that she's there. Turning his head, Jax comes face to face with Haley snuggled close against him, wrapped in his arm. Her face is so close he can feel her warm rhythmic breath against his lips. He vaguely remembers her coming into his bed in the middle of the night before drifting back to sleep.
Silently Jax stares at her. Her deep set eyes, the slope of her nose, the curve of her pouty lips. Her skin is flawless even this close up, her silky blonde hair smells like coconut as it lays fanned out against his arm and pillow, and he can't help but feel happiness envelope him as he notices all the muscles on her face are relaxed. Sees that he can do that for her, give her that kind of peace.
As Jax lies there afraid to move, afraid to ruin it, he realizes she brings him that same peace. Lying there with her, the heat of her body mesh with his own, all that noise in his head is silent. Everything he's done, everything he needs to do, and everything he wants to change, the battle they're waging on his heart and mind goes still when she's lying next to him. He had almost forgotten she had that power over him. To still the madness.
It's moments like these Jax wishes they could just go back. Forget everything in between and be what they were before, but he knows it's not that simple. He's not sure if Haley knows what she wants right now. She isn't the girl who left. This girl seems more stuck in her head, a little uncertain of her place, and keeping her distance from the clubhouse. Jax knows she's been through hell, but it's more than that. He knows she's working throw some shit. Trying to get her life in order and that's something he respects deeply. He's been trying to clean out his own closet. And he's not sure where those two roads leave them.
As if she senses his steady gaze upon her, Haley's eyes start to flutter open. His blue eyes meet her gray blue pair.
"Morning," Jax's husky voice whispers, a warm inviting grin curving on his face.
"Morning," Haley smiles back sleepily. Holding his eyes for a long minute before she pulls from the moment and begins to stirs.
"If you want your space, I can go." Haley offers, pulling away from him beneath the sheets, but Jax doesn't let her get far before the arm he has snaked around her pulls her body flush against his side.
"Stay," He whispers, his eyes drilling into the curved against her own, Haley feels herself giving into him. Lying there, Haley surrenders completely. Her eyes locked on his as they explore and rediscover each other without words or barriers. As she feels that bleeding heart of his reach out and touch her own, remind her, that though a lot has changed, but this much has not. That he still loves her, in many ways, always has.
Reaching up, Haley softly touches the scruff on his cheek as her palm embraces it.
"I'm sorry, I know I hurt you when I took off." Haley finally confesses. She's been wanting to tell him since she left, and even after her return, the words have been biting on her lips, but the moment was never quite right.
"Besides Op, you're the only person I knew I could always count on. My best friend. And then as things changed, as we grew closer. It scared me, still scares me, but I don't wanna run from it anymore." Haley confesses as she feels Jax's arms tighten around her.
"You didn't do anything wrong, Jax. I was so lost with Ope inside, with Wendy being pregnant, and Clay giving me ultimatums, I just-" Haley can feel Jax hanging onto her every word, taking it all in until Clay's name passes her lips and the look in his eyes shifts to a serious one.
"Wait, Clay confronted you?" Jax interrupts, his jaw tightening as his hand grips harder onto the curve of her hip, needing to touch her, needing her closeness as his temper begins to grow.
Haley's eyes soften with a touch of sadness as she slowly nods against the pillow.
"He caught me sneaking out of your room at the clubhouse the day I left. Ordered me to stay away from you." She admits, while leaving out the ugly way Clay had put it.
A snarl curls on Jax's lips with Haley's answer, his face drifts back toward the ceiling as the pieces come together in his mind.
"Jax, I didn't tell you this to stir up shit between you and Clay. I just want us to be honest." Haley explains, trying to calm the flames she can see coming to life inside Jax.
"He's been stirring up shit for years." He bites out through a tight jaw.
Haley can feel Jax's muscles tightening around her, the anger set in his face, she's never seen him like this toward Clay. Not even when his mom first married him. This is different. This is something new. Something she knows came to life during her time away.
Reaching for his jawline, Haley turns his face back to her as she rests her forehead tenderly against his.
"What's going on, Jax? Talk to me. What's going on with you and club?" She pleads, reaching out to him.
She hasn't been home long, but she can see it. The distance between him and Clay, the tension. It's putting strain on the club. Whatever is going on, whatever he's going through, she doesn't want to stand on the outside looking in. She always hated it when her old man and brother did that to her.
Jax stays silent, but his eye search Haley's. She can feel the probing, searching of his pupil as it drills into her gaze. He's looking for something he needs to find. Holding gently to the scruff of his face, Haley doesn't look away.
It feels like the longest moment before he finally speaks. "You ever think there could be another way for the club? Something legit that doesn't bring us nothin' but violence and pain." Jax asks her on a whispered breath.
Haley's heart pounds with the weight of his question. She can see in his eyes it means a great deal to him, but no one has ever asked her what she thinks about the club before. Outsiders- sure, local PD, CPS, but never a member. As a woman, Haley's always known she has no say in club matters.
"I don't know. I've never known anything else. Is there another way, Jax?" She asks, reaching out to him the way he's reaching for her. Jax's intense gaze holds her for a heartbeat longer, before he pulls away. Untangling his arms from around her, Jax climbs out the bed.
Left swimming alone in the sheets, Haley's heart sinks, certain she said the wrong thing and now he's shutting her out again. Taking his not so subtle que, Haley climbs out the bed and moves to leave.
"I wanna show you something." Jax says, turning back from his dresser, his father's manuscript in hand, but as he catches sight of Haley, she takes the words from his lips momentarily.
Standing beside his bed, her curves kill his train of thought, standing in a black beater that hugs her tits and tiny waist, with matching black boy shorts that barely cover her firm round ass. Her blonde wavy hair cascading down her back. This sight was a temptation he hadn't noticed when she had climbed into his bed last night.
Clearing his throat to slow the pressure building inside him, Jax forces his mind back into perspective and moves to her.
"I found this in storage while you were gone. My old man wrote it. It's his vision." Jax explains, handing the binder to her.
Haley takes the binder, recognizing it as the one he hid from her the other day. She looks it over carefully as Jax continues.
"He saw this shit coming, Hales. Knew it would destroy Samcro. He had legitimate ideas about where to take the club, because the direction we're headed now, we're never gonna make it."
Opening the cover, the words jump out at her, "The life and death of Sam Crow." This is what he was riled up about. This is why Jax is questioning everything in the club.
Haley's eyes shoot back up to Jax as a shiver runs beneath her skin. Without him needing to say it, she can feel the weight of what he's telling her.
"I'm gonna get us out of all that shit that's destroying Samcro." He swears it and she can see in his eyes, he means every word. "I want you to read it."
Authors Note:
Last chapter Jax and Haley weren't sure where they stood with each other. Which I think is to be expected given what they've been through lately. But now they're finding that the longer Haley is home that they haven't changed as much as they thought and the ways they have changed are for the better. The love they share is finding its way to the surface between them again, but they aren't rushing it.
And Haley is in a place for the first time in her life where she's trying to think things through, she's trying to not be reactionary, and she's trying to make the right choices. She doesn't have all the answers, she's doing a lot of soul searching in who she is, where she stands with the club, and where she stands with Jax and Abel, but for the first time she's finally asking and looking for real answers, instead of just running.
So what did you guys think? Like it, no like it? What would you like to see more of?