Note to Readers: This chapter has been so long in coming. I have started this one at least five (or maybe a thousand) times. Its quite weak writing here, but I feel guilty for leaving everyone hanging. Hopefully I am not botching my story lol. Thank you all for being so patient with me.
I jumped at the soft hands at my neck and turned from packing the saddlebags to see Kahlan. "You'll need this on your journey. Nicci tells me the winds blow the sands violently where you're going and all the desert civilians wear thick cloaks like this one." I reached up and gripped the edge of the cloak that she had placed around my shoulders and noted the dark blue woven symbols of the Keltons arrayed along the edges in gold threading. I knew at once that it must be hers and turned facing her and gave her a small smile even as the pressure in my chest threatened to break with the emotions that were brewing.
"Thank you." I whispered into the morning air and at that moment a soft wind picked up her hair, blowing whips of dark curls across her face. She looked as though nothing had changed, except I knew everything had. But the light that had gone out in her eyes had begun to glow again after last night. I stared at her intently, both of us standing as still as stone without words needed between us.
She at last broke the spell and handed me her heavy pack. I narrowed my eyes in questioning and she said, "Just some food for the journey and some medicines and salves I packed for you, just in case."
"When did you have time to do all this?" I asked, noticing her blush as I felt my own face heat at the thought of the endless night of passion we had shared last night and into early this morning. She had been asleep soundly when I had brought Rian to our bed and laid him in her arms before leaving to prepare for departure. I couldn't imagine when she had had time to pack for me. "I didn't mean it like that, Kahlan. I…" and then she laughed a sound so beautiful that everything in that moment was just her and me, nothing, no war, no struggle to remain sane with all that had happened…just us.
"And what if you did mean it like that?" She asked breathlessly, her eyes twinkling with mischief. She stepped closer to me so that I could feel the heat of her as she lowered her voice in a sultry whisper "I wouldn't mind if you ravished me right here before you leave."
"Kahlan!" I said half laughing as I pulled her to me. She wrapped her arms tight around me, her lips placing a kiss on my neck briefly before pulling back. She seemed flustered and pushed her hair back from her face as her mouth opened and closed trying to find words. "Are you alright?" I asked, brushing my fingertips along her jaw. She looked up at me, studying my face as if she was trying to sear it into her memory.
"I've been thinking…" she began twisting her hands in front of her nervously. "This will mark the first time that you go alone on a dangerous mission without your Confessor by your side. And…"
"Kahlan, why are we talking about this? You know how I feel about you going with me, it's too dangerous." I said, frustration and biting anger grating in the way I spoke to her. I silently chided myself for almost losing my temper and turned to stuff the pack she had given me down into the saddle bags. I tensed, feeling her press against my side as she took my hands in hers.
"I know what you think, Richard and I understand why you wouldn't want me to go but…."
"But nothing Kahlan. I told you…you're not going and that's final!" I said pulling my hands away from her. I grabbed her arm and pulled her behind one of the stalls so we would be out of earshot from the other men who were in the stables with us. I heard her wince as I tensed my grip and backed her into the wall. "I'm going to end this, but I can't do that if you're there. You'll distract me from my mission."
"Let go of me, Lord Rahl." She said in warning and it was then I noticed how tight I was gripping her. Guilt staggered me and I stepped away from her still gripping the sword of truth, which I had instinctively clutched in anger. Kahlan grabbed my hand and pried my fingers away from the sword and she looked at me with all the furry of the Mother Confessor. "Stop it! Stop punishing yourself for what happened to me! It wasn't your fault. Pulling the magic of the sword against yourself won't erase what happened to me, it will only destroy you! I love you Richard but you have to stop this, please." She said, pleading for me with all the strength she had left. "Everything he did to me is nothing compared to losing you. Please Richard…this" she said pulling the sword from my waist and slinging it over her head to rid me of the magic's pull "hurting yourself for me and taking these risks and wishing death for yourself? This is what will destroy me…not the Order …or Jagang." She said, her breath coming in rapid puffs of cold air between us. "You told me once that the only unimaginable fate was one without me. Do you remember?" She asked unexpectedly.
That day on the hillside after Giller had tried to take her magic came slamming back to me in a sudden onslaught of emotion. Of course I remembered but I could say nothing and pulled my gaze from hers and looked down at the dry mud packed ground.
She moved close to me, her breath gentle against my face and placed a hand on my chest. "That day you promised me that whatever happened that you would be by my side. Now I'm promising you the same thing….I won't let you do this without me. I'm your Confessor and a long time ago I remember swearing an oath to protect you with my life. And no matter what happens, I'm not breaking that promise…not for anything in this world."
She had literally trapped me in my own words and she used my sense of honor against me. I would never go back on an oath and it was pointless to try and convince Kahlan to go back on her word, even if I was afraid of failing her again. But no matter how I felt, nothing would change my mind about leaving her behind where I knew she would be safe.
"Kahlan., you may be my confessor but more importantly you're my wife and the mother of my child. This is not about what you want it's about what I know is the only way to protect you. We've been over this Kahlan, and I'm not changing my mind."
"Mother Confessor, General Baldwin would like to see you now. The men are almost ready and they want to wait for you before they mount up."
"Thank you, McCormick, inform him I will be with them shortly. In the mean time, have them saddle my horse and find Mistress Cara. I want her to bring Rian before I leave." Said Kahlan.
"Yes Mother Confessor." He bowed. "Lord Rahl." He said addressing Richard and turned to leave but Richard stopped him.
"McCormick, there's been a misunderstanding. Kahlan won't be needing her horse prepared. I'm sending Jameson in her place to lead with General Baldwin."
McCormick, visibly unsettled looked between us but his gaze landed on me this time, "yes Lord Rahl, as you command." He said saluting me with his hand to his chest as all D'Harans did when addressing their Lord Rahl. He turned and left the stables swifter than the man who usually took his time with things in an attempt to be away from us. I couldn't blame him, for I too felt the burning heat of anger at my side emanating from Kahlan.
"Damn you, Richard." She said through clenched teeth. "How could you degrade my authority like that to my men? Don't for one moment forget who really rules the three territories. Not a woods guide from Heartland, but me. The Mother Confessor. You'd be nothing without my knowledge and guidance." She slapped me hard, stunning me into violent fury. I gripped her wrist as she came in for a second time and spun her around, her arm behind her. My other hand gripped a fist of her hair as I held her tight against me.
"Just a woods guide from Heartland? I'm surprised at you, Kahlan. You never stoop so low as to insult my upbringing." I said calmly as I could, allowing my voice to rumble low against her neck. "It didn't bother you last night." I said, feeling a pang of guilt at my words but anger over ruled it. The cold steel of the sword at her back pressed between us reminding me of the reason I had been brought together with this woman I loved above all else, but the fury wouldn't stop.
"Richard?" My grip suddenly relaxed for a moment allowing Kahlan to pull away from me. Cara stood there stunned with a wide eyed Rian. "What's going on you two?" She asked coming closer. Rian reached out to me, grabbing my pendant and I took him from Cara as I glanced at Kahlan. "I leave you two alone and you either ravish each other or try and kill one another. No wonder I can never get a moment of quiet."
"Cara, tell Kahlan she can't go with me."
She glared at me from her green eyed gaze. "I'm not about to start giving the Mother Confessor orders, even if they are from you. But I do agree with him, Kahlan." She said turning her gaze to Kahlan who wore a blank expression on her face, looking past Cara. "Give us a moment, Richard?" She asked. I nodded and gave Kahlan one last look, which she avoided, .before exiting the stables to make my way to General Baldwin to explain his new orders.
"Daddy?" Asked Rian, as if he could sense the tension between Kahlan and me.
"It's alright, Rian. I just need your help with something and we need to let your mother speak with Aunt Cara."
"K" he said smiling his agreement.
When we reached the Kelton forces, General McCormick and General Baldwin stopped and turned, a bit surprised to see me. "Lord Rahl? Is everything alright with you and…"
He stopped in mid sentence when I fixed him a stare silently warning him to keep my personal business to himself.
"I've come with new orders for you, General Baldwin."
"McCormick already informed me that Jameson will be leading in Lady Rahl's stead. I have sent one of my men to fetch him from the south division. He should be here soon."
I nodded my thanks and set a squirming Rian down who ran off down the path into the crowd of men who were preparing to march out. We followed him at a distance as we spoke of plans for moving through the Azarith plains. "You think its wise, Lord Rahl?"
I gripped the bridge of my nose in frustration and could still feel the panic and anger from my argument with Kahlan as I stalked off in the direction where Rian had gone. "You know we are at your service, Lord Rahl.. But Jameson, in my opinion if I may, is not experienced enough to take a division through the Azarith Plains. Especially since they've never ventured anywhere south of D'hara."
I turned on my heel, rounding on General Baldwin and was half angry and half surprised at his opinion of my orders. I almost agreed with him, at least my head did but my heart overruled my decision. "Even if I agree with you, General, there's no one else who has the knowledge and the experience close enough for me to trust them. Once we get past the borders lying north of the Wilds, then my men will meet up with you. Don't worry; it's just a diversion in case we come across other regimens of the Order. We have to have more than one division through the Azarith Plains to be safe on both the east and west sides."
"Lord Rahl….please don't misunderstand me when I say this but….Lady Rahl would have been able to lead them safely since she already knows the way."
Halting in my steps I gripped the hilt of my sword and glared at Baldwin and then focused my gaze ahead searching the crowd for my son who I spotted precariously attempting to climb onto one of the larger war horses. "She's not to go, and you know why. My decision is final. Kahlan is not going." I left General Baldwin to ponder over my rash decisions. Everyone knew that I wasn't letting Kahlan go but no one, save maybe Baldwin, would tell me that they disagreed.
I turned and made my way to Rian as his chubby hand gripped the stirrup of the saddle. The horse whinnied in surprise and shifted as I grabbed the reins, calming the horse so he wouldn't panic and kick Rian. "I want up, Daddy." Whined Rian, his big brown eyes staring hopefully up at me.
"Alright, but just for a moment." I smiled and he grinned a toothy smile, making his freckles stand out in the morning gloom. I seated him above the warhorse, who was content to have a light passenger and I led the reins deeper into the camp where the rest of the Generals were assembling to depart.
"Ah, Lord Rahl…and little Lord Rahl." Grinned Jameson, who appeared to have just arrived. "So glad to see you again," he said clasping wrists with me as Rian giggled and kicked upon seeing one of his favorite playmates. Jameson reached up and Rian slid into his arms, gripping his beard and pulling eliciting a hearty laugh from Jameson.
"I see you two get along just fine. He's a good judger of loyalty already."
"Just making sure to be in good graces with the future Lord Rahl." He grinned.
"You already are." I smiled. We turned and walked into the command tents as the men were folding up maps and packing supplies. "You know why I summoned you, yes?"
"Of course, McCormick told me…." He trailed off as the last officer ducked out of the tent. "….that the Mother Confessor is not going to be leading and I am to go in her stead."
Breathing deep I nodded. Rian clapped his hands together at the mention of 'Mother Confessor, "mommy!"
"That's right." Jameson and I grinned at the recognition. "He's a smart one." He said and then looked to Rian. "You'll be a great Lord Rahl one day." He looked at me confused, wrinkling his nose the exact same way Kahlan would when contemplating.
"Jameson…"
"Call me Carl. We're on a first name basis now, aren't we?"
"Of course, Carl. It's been hard for me, to say the least, to try and forget what the Order did to my wife and….."
Carl put a hand on my arm. "Say no more, I understand. I would feel the same way if it were my wife, Sharon. I would have gone mad."
"Thank you." I said, my eyes almost tearing. I had gone mad but only a few really knew the extent including Cara and General Meiffert.
"I will do well by her, you have my word. Our fathers were allies and great friends. I knew Kahlan as a child. She's a few years older than me and I always remember her sneaking me sweets at the long boring parties at my father's palace. Her mother was gracious enough to allow him to keep his friends, though it wasn't the same. Everyone was afraid of confessors, except me for my fondness of Kahlan. But then everyone called her a witch, and I came to fear her until later when she stepped in and protected us under her rule. I will never forget that day. She was only 15 but she was as a queen. Generous and strong….our enemies were terrified and finally tucked tail and ran, ending our oppression. I thought she had forgotten me until she slipped me some sweets under the table at the banquet afterwards."
"Sounds like her." I grinned, proud of the younger version of my Kahlan. "She always remembers a friend, no matter how long ago their kindness was towards her."
"I can attest to that." He set a wiggling Rian down, who went about hitting two left behind tin cups together. We had to speak louder over the clanking to hear each other. "I must be honest, Lord Rahl." He said. "I spoke with the Mother Confessor on the way here." He continued hesitantly, but I nodded for him to go on. "She's worried about you…almost hysterically. I've never seen her in such a state before, Richard. Mistress Cara was with her and told me to assure you that she will be taken care of but….I don't think anyone will be able to hold her here for long."
Frustrated, I raked my hands through my hair. "She's stubborn, Carl. But I know her; she won't go against my wishes, no matter how angry she is."
He raised an eyebrow in disbelief as Rian stopped momentarily on his deafening cycle of noisemaking. "I don't know Richard. She seemed quite determined to have her own way. I assured her that we would protect you with our lives if need be and I promised her on a blood oath I would bring you back alive, but she still insists on going."
"You did what?" I exclaimed. "Jameson! You should never take a blood oath lightly. You can't promise her my life."
"Than you'd better promise it for yourself. It's the only way she would stop yelling obscenities about you and your thick skull." He chuckled as Rian bounded up between us, trying to get a hold of our shiny weapons. I finally handed him the small blade that was protected by a holder that was difficult to pry open. Kahlan would skin me alive if she knew I allowed him to play with it. "She would get along with my Sharon." He said grinning, but then turned serious. "You should talk to her again. You could leave with us since we aren't departing for another hour yet. I'll watch over this lad for you." He said scooping up Rian. "Besides, the young Lord Rahl should see his men off, don't you think?" He said, directing his question at my son.
"Ok." He said with his small voice still clutching the dagger.
"You hold on to that for daddy, and remember to be careful. I'm going to talk to Mommy."
"Mommy mad." He said matter of fact and Jameson and I exchanged looks. "I'll be back in an hour. Have McCormick send for my horse. Tell him also that Bengamin Meiffert can lead the division in my place until we catch up with him later tonight."
"It's done than. Good luck, Lord Rahl, you're going to need it." He clasped me on the shoulder as I exited the tent.
Finally, after searching what seemed to be the entire People's Palace, I spotted Kahlan. She sat on the floor, her back against the interrogation room doors, my sword leaning against her raised knees and her hands holding the hilt. She looked small and lost her eyes and cheeks holding the aftermath of tears. I watched for a moment, hidden in the shadows bracing myself for the courage to go to her. She had a right to be angry with me for the way I'd acted that morning and the fear of her unforgiveness kept me paralyzed.
I sat against the opposite side of the hall, my eyes never leaving her. What could I say to her now to convince her to stay, especially after what I had done to her?
Leaning my head against the wall, I tried to summon my courage when I heard the clatter of my sword on the polished marble floor followed by Kahlan's startled, quiet voice.
"Richard? How long have you been sitting there?"
"For a while now."
"Why? What are you doing here, I thought you'd be long gone by now." She questioned and I noticed a slight edge of anger in her voice.
"We need to talk."
"Haven't we done enough of that already?" I stood then and made my way towards where she was sitting, seating myself on the floor in front of her.
"I'm sorry Kahlan. For this morning. For hurting you and saying those things. It's just…."
"Why didn't you tell me?" She asked as a single tear fell down her face.
"What are you talking about?"
"Cara told me…all of it." I looked at her confused. "How you still blame yourself for what happened to me! What you did when I was gone…how you didn't care what happened because you thought I wouldn't forgive you…and rushing in to finish Jagang alone! Dear Spirits, Richard, why?" I hung my head in shame knowing there was nothing I could say to her. "You promised you would talk to me about this Richard. Why didn't you come to me?" She asked intertwining both of our hands.
"I didn't want to hurt you more. You'd already endured so mush. I just couldn't."
"Keeping things from me hurts even more." She whispered. "Cara says you went mad with grief. Is that why you don't want me with you?"
I looked her in the eyes then. "I don't want you to go because I love you, Kahlan."
She let more tears escape before saying, "I love you too Richard, more than life itself and I'll stay if you need me to. But Richard, "she squeezed my hands, "if I lose you…." Her lower lip quivered and I released one of my hands from her grip running my fingers across her jaw before gripping her chin gently.
"You're not going to lose me. I'm fighting for you…for your love for me. Nothing matters more to me than ending this and coming home to you where I know you'll be safe and waiting for me. I couldn't bear it if he touched you again." I said, and despite my efforts heard the quake in my voice.
"Richard…" she whispered my name but at a loss for words pulled me to her chest and embraced me. She gripped the hair at the back of my neck, holding me to her as I forced the images of what he had done to her from my mind. When the visions wouldn't fade I lifted my head from her chest and rammed my lips against hers in a fierce kiss, needing to feel her and remind myself that she was here with me and not with him. Her hands gripped the edges of my tunic, pulling me closer as she opened her mouth begging me to enter her with my tongue. I complied and she moaned against me, straddling me with her legs.
She left me breathless and I separated our lips, and racked my teeth down her neck as I skimmed my hands up her bared thighs. She whimpered when I snuck a finger under her shorts, grazing the edge of her womanhood before entering her wetness. I moaned at the tightness of her around me and added a second finger, tantalizing her with slow rhythmic strokes. "Richard…" she breathed. "We should go to our room."
I hummed against her neck and ignored her request. I had to have her. The desperation to cloud and erase the visions of her torment was driving me to an insane need for her. She must have sensed my need when she attacked my belt and laces, freeing me from the bindings of my trousers. I moved my hand from between her thighs, licking them clean as she positioned herself over me.
Our gazed locked when she lowered herself on me and I saw nothing but her wild possession of me. She lifted and sunk down slowly over and over again, our eyes never leaving each other. I gripped her backside, helping her rise and fall as she took me. "I love you Richard." She breathed into the hot air around us.
"And I love you." I told her as I plunged deeper into her, holding her hips still as I stroked in and out of her, stopping inside of her a few times to listen to her stifled scream against my shoulder. When finally the crescendo of her powers released I soared with her to a place hidden inside the soul of a confessor. I promised myself that I would return, if not for this passion then for our love. A love that had remained even when the darkness had threatened to destroy it.