Raph was lifting his weights with more ferocity than usual. It had been a few days now and Donnie was hard at work trying to throw something together. Leo was waiting. Mikey was...doing whatever Mikey did nowadays. Raph was grunting under the weights he was lifting.

He was agitated, very agitated. Not that the feeling was unusual for him, but it was more than his usual grumpiness this time. Ever since Leo had told them of the plan to go back there, Raph felt it build in him. Growing stronger each day. He tried to work it out of his system, but it was growing increasingly more difficult to do so. And today it just wasn't working and the weights went flying across the dojo and landed with a loud clatter. "Damn it!" He snapped as he sat on the weight bench, elbows on his knees and head hung.

Unfortunately his little hissy fit didn't go unnoticed. "Having a bad day?" Holly asked as she walked in. He just grunted in reply as she drew closer. She stopped a few feet away, well out of smacking range in case if he lost his marbles, and tilted her head as she looked at him. "Want to talk about it?"

"No I don't want to talk about it." He said scathingly. "I just want you to leave me the hell alone."

She just rolled her eyes at him as she stubbornly sat on the floor. "You've been trying that for six years...and haven't managed to do it yet."

"Why do you insist on pestering the hell out of me Holly?" He asked her then, his tone almost whiny. "Is tormenting me really that much of entertainment for you?"

"Actually...no." She replied, her tone rarely serious. "But it's better than watching you torment yourself."

He brought his head up to fully look at her as she calmly sat there, her brown eyes unflinching. He wanted so much to deny what she just said, that he did no such thing. He was perfectly happy with the way things were...except he couldn't. And he knew she somehow knew it too.

This woman baffled him to no end. She was stubborn, hard headed, always tried to one up him in any conversation and a lot of times he wished she would just keep her damn mouth shut. She had the uncanny ability to snap him out of his most violent shitfits, and did so without an ounce of fear in her. Raph didn't know how to take it, because he had no idea to handle anyone really who wasn't scared of him. Fear drove people to respect him. He had used it for so long to get what he wanted that he still didn't really know how to get by without trying to intimidate others. But there were a few who his raging temper tantrums had no effect on what so ever. Lotus, Daniel, James and Holly all just rolled their eyes when he went off of the deep end, but they didn't fear him. And they all very well should, because he still couldn't fully control those outbursts. Yet this one in front of him time and time again was able to find the off switch. He had no fucking clue how she did it either. And that creeped the hell out of him because he couldn't even stop himself. If he were completely honest about it, which of course with him being him he never would be, he was dependent on her.

Another thing that creeped him out was the fact that she was always there. Watching him when she thought he didn't notice. But he did notice. It wasn't the fact that she did it that had his head in a scuzzy, it was the fact that despite all of his grumbling over it all...he didn't mind it. Her reassuring presence eased his mind somewhat, not a lot, but enough to where he noticed it. Add in the fact that she genuinely seemed to care about him, even after he repeatedly made a silly ass of himself, and he didn't know what to hell to think.

"You going to talk to me or are you just going to sit there and stare?" She asked with a brow shooting up.

"Nothin' to talk about." He mumbled as he stood up to go retrieve the weights he threw a few moments ago.

"Nothing you want to talk about." She firmly corrected. "You stubbornly refuse to do that."

He slammed the weights back into their spot with frustration. Not this conversation again...she's been badgering him about this pretty much since she joined them. "Listen here you fucking twatwaffle!" He snapped as he spun back around. "There is nothing going on that you need to concern yourself with!"

"Twatwaffle!" She flared as she got back to her feet. "Who are you calling a twatwaffle!" She stomped closer to him, stopping right in front of him and placing her hands on her hips.

"You...you twatwaffle." He grumbled right back. "What the hell ya goin' do about it?"

She kicked him in the shin. "Asshole!" Her brown eyes flashed.

"Stubborn bitch." He growled.

"Hothead."

"Nosy cunt!"

"Dick for brains!"

"Crazy hag!"

"Hag?! You fucking jolly green giant!"

"Look who's talking! You have to stick your head in an oven to get it that color? Or did you fall into a bucket of rust when you were a baby?"

"Fork fucking, ass chewing cunt wipe!"

He just stared down at her as she refused to back down from him. Her hands were on her hips still, her eyes filled with anger and she looked like she was ready to try and beat the shit out of him. Raph couldn't explain the feeling that washed over him next, couldn't stop himself as he snarled and reached out for her, lifted her up and slamming her into the wall. Before she could even protest, or smack him, his head had made it's way to hers and his lips crushed against hers. What shocked him the most was...she kissed him right back... Her arms snaked around his neck as his tongue pushed into her mouth, and was eagerly met by hers.

"Ahem..." They both broke away from each other with a start as Lotus moved into the dojo. "Master Raphael, Masters Donatello and Leonardo wish to see you in the lab." She was calm, as if what she had just seen didn't bother her a bit. But there was something in her eyes, a sadness and longing. "At your earliest convenience of course." She finished as she turned and walked back out again.

Raph closed his eyes, embarrassed. Embarrassed at getting caught, but also for what he just did. "I'm sorry..." He mumbled as he followed Lotus out. "I shouldn't have... Damn it..." He finished in a whisper. Holly didn't say anything, but her eyes were thoughtful as she watched him leave, then made her own way to the lab.

"What?" He flately asked as he walked in, his mood not exactly the best right now.

"He's finished with the portal." His older brother replied. Raph noticed that Mikey was also already there along with James and Lotus. Her expression was still calm, but her eyes...even Raph noticed the sadness in them. But they weren't looking at him, they were glued to the leader of their little group. "Take the time to gather everything you may need and be ready in a few hours. We'll go over and scout everything out first before we bring the ninjas over."

Donnie walked around and handed the turtles a small device, instructing them how to turn it on. "These are small, portable shields. They should keep us hidden from them until we can find a suitable location for me to build a larger one. Don't lose them, that's all I've had a chance to make."

"Two hours. Then we meet back here."

With quick affirming nods they all left the lab and Raph walked to his room, closed the door behind him and sat on his bed. What the fuck did he just do? Why on earth did he do that? What had fucking possessed him to fucking kiss her?!

"We never did finish our conversation." Holly said quietly as she entered.

Raph just groaned as he dropped his head into his hands. "I wasn't comfortable with the way it was going." He snapped at her.

"Wasn't talking about that part." She gave him a half smile. "I'm still waiting for you to tell me what's bothering you overall. Been waiting six years for it, and I'm not about to leave it alone until you tell me."

He brought his head up and stared at her and she calmly stared right back. "You wouldn't understand..."

"And I never will if you don't make the effort to tell me." She simply replied. "Honestly Raph, what would it hurt? Besides talking about something that obviously brings bad memories and bad feelings to the surface. But then...maybe if you actually let them out of that dark closet, shook them out a bit and held them up to the light, you'd see how full of holes they really are."

"Easy for you to say." He grumbled. "You never had to witness the shit I did."

"Would you rather have me as your babysitter for the rest of your life?" She bluntly asked him. "We both know that's why Leonardo keeps sending me out with you. Wouldn't it give you so much more freedom to be able to come and go as you please? Without having to worry about snapping all the time? Wouldn't that be better for the team as a whole?"

He really couldn't deny that. So far he had been lucky that they had never got separated, but they were going into a new world for her, who knows what could happen with this new situation. And honestly...he was tired of carrying this around with him. He also trusted her. A fact that came from her being by his side during every conflict. She was always there to snap him out of his rampages, she had seen him at his worst...and she still kissed him back earlier... His mouth opened up to talk before his mind could even tell it to shut the hell up.

"You were right that night you first joined us." He began, dropping his head into his palm, his green eyes glued to the floor. "I am scared." His throat almost closed up as that admission finally came out.

"Of what?"

"Everything..." He took a deep breath. "I was scared of the path we took, the unknown. I was scared that we were just delaying the inevitable, that around every corner the possibility of it being the last corner we scramble around. I was scared of us getting caught in something we couldn't handle, and I was scared that the only way to truly survive here was to beg him for mercy and return to his service."

"You said was." She said as she tilted her head. "I'm assuming that's not the case anymore?"

He shook his head. "No, it's not. I still wonder sometimes if we made the right choice, not because I feel like we didn't, but because I feel like ever since we started on this path our lives seem to be more and more at risk."

"And the ones you help still don't really see what you are trying to do..."

He just shrugged. "It seemed like a wasted effort to me. Why help those who seemed like they didn't want it?"

She walked closer and sat next to him on the bed. "But that's not what's bothering you now."

He took in a deep breath as he looked at her again. "Holly...you don't know what happened to us over there. We had been changed. If you thought we were monsters before, that was nothing compared to what happened to us. I...really don't remember much to be honest, just periods of rage and lust to kill. But one image is stuck in my head that I can't shake. I don't know why...but it's there. And I'm scared to face my counterpart because of it... They risk everything to help us...and I stab his woman in the chest. I could feel his pain, his anguish, his rage. I saw her hit the floor with the weapon I used to do it still stuck in her. And I couldn't stop it...I almost killed her...but I couldn't do a damn thing to stop it... Holly, how can I go back and face them after that?"

"The same way I have to face my counterpart." Leo said as he walked in the room. "You don't know what I did to her Raph. I never told you...but I honestly have no right to go back there expecting forgiveness from her, or him." His own eyes looked so lost and full of self loathing as he stopped next to them. "And I was in full control of my actions, you weren't."

Holly looked at both of them thoughtfully a moment. "I think I understand. Both of you, all of you in fact, are so overcome with grief, and guilt at what you did and are still punishing yourselves over it." Her eyes met Leo's. "And are punishing yourselves harder than you should. And you also fear that your counterparts would remember what you did and not see what you are trying to do. Maybe that is true, maybe they will. But what better way to repay for what you have done to them, than to try and help them with this now. Imagine the burden you all would bear if you didn't even try, and he wins."

"It's why I decided to go." Leo quietly admitted to her. "I at least owe them this much, but it's still nothing compared to the overall price."

Raph nodded in quiet agreement as Leo walked back out of the room, onward to his own to gather his things. Once again leaving the two alone. Holly's hand reach out and gently turned Raph's head to face her. "Fear is nothing to be ashamed of Raphael. We all have them. But it's also up to us to learn how to deal with them. Know I'll be there with you if you need me, but maybe it's time you showed those fears you are stronger by facing them. No one knows what will happen when we go over there, but I do hope you get the chance to work this out. Just like I hope the others have a chance." Then she smiled and kissed his cheek. "We'll talk about that other thing later, but know I'm not upset about it. Was wondering when you would catch on honestly..."

Raph looked at her with a combination of relief, gratitude and something else he didn't know how to name. He just reached out and pulled her close to him, bringing his face into her red hair. "Thank you cupcake..."

The room was quiet as he held her. Nothing else was said, but he noticed a quiet shift in himself. He still didn't want to face them, but found himself hoping he could get the chance. The chance to prove that he was indeed worthy to live a life like they did. Lord knows he tried to prove it to himself often enough.