Disclaimer: If I owned Grey's, that thing that happened, it wouldn't have happened.

Sorry this took some time to get up. Life's been busy, plus dealing with the heartache that is Grey's Anatomy. But here's the update and I'm really proud of it. I like the emotion behind it and stuff. It's from Derek's perspective and I think it gives you more of an idea of what's going on in his head. Because there's a lot going on...as usual.

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I stared down at the chart in my hands, not even seeing the name and the information that was on it. It just blurred in my eyes as I thought of the sight of Meredith curled up in a ball on the floor. I hated hurting her, god I hated it. But...but she should have told me. That's what it came down to, she should have told me. She was my best friend and she hadn't told me. Yelling at her, it was maybe not the best option, but she did deserve it. Or at least she earned it. Except for...maybe Mark was right, maybe I should have listened to her. Asked her why she hadn't told me.

But there couldn't be an excuse, there couldn't be an excuse for betraying me like that.

There couldnt be an excuse because if there was I was an ass, and I didn't like that option very much.

Suddenly I felt Meredith behind me. I didn't have to look to know it was her, the familiar feel of her was enough. "Yes?" I asked quietly, still not meeting her gaze.

"Dr. Shepherd," she greeted me in a calm and steady voice. I knew that voice. It her not really fine but pretending to be fine voice. I hated that voice. "I'm your intern for today."

"Seriously?" I asked turning towards her now, not being able to hide the dismay on my face.

"Seriously," she said grimacing slightly.

"Oh," I said, handing Meredith the chart, being careful not to touch her. If I touched her there was every chance that I would fall apart. I couldn't fall apart, not in front of Meredith, not anymore.

"Can we just...you know...get this over with?" she asked me.

I nodded my head briskly and headed down the hall, knowing that she would follow me. This hurt. Her following me hurt. She was my best friend, she had been my everything and now she was following me down the hall. She never followed me, she walked beside me. From the second I had started working here, every time she was my intern, and sometimes when she wasn't, she always walked beside me. This walking behind me wasn't how we worked. I couldn't work this way. I slowed my pace down, forcing her to catch up, forcing her to walk beside me.

Our eyes met briefly.

Everything was in her eyes. I could tell she wanted to say something, to clear the air between us, to make all this awful awkwardness to stop. I could tell she was terrified that I'd reject her again, that I'd push her away. And there was the pain, the pain I had caused her last night. I couldn't look at her eyes. Because if she tried, if she tried to talk, I'd listen. Today I would listen and I wasn't ready for that.

"Derek..." Meredith said gently, as I tore my eyes away from hers.

I was surprised to feel tears prickle my eyes. I could not fall apart, not her, not with Meredith. "No," I said quickly, harshly, shaking my head quickly. "Just, not right now. No."

"Okay," she nodded slowly as we stepped onto the elevator.

We should have taken the stairs. The stairs were not a closed space, anyone could come onto the stairs at any second. The stairs were public, I liked the stairs. Elevators not so much. Because on an elevator, we were now alone, with no chance of anyone interrupting us. We were in private. And we were in a place that brought back too many fond memories of the first time we had actually talked, the first time that we had kissed. Since for us it was all at once. It had always been all at once. We were alone again, and it was all at once again, we were both falling apart all at once.

But I couldn't be alone with her right now.

Because if she felll apart when we were alone, when there was no escape, I'd have to catch her. I'd want to catch her.

And I was really trying hard to hate her.

She knew, she knew about Addison and Karev and she hadn't bothered to tell me. Meredith had known this huge, life altering information and she hadn't bothered to tell me. I couldn't ignore that, I couldn't not hate her after that. I had to hate her, she betrayed me. She hurt me.

I couldn't forgive that.

If I forgave that I'd have to start thinking of the other woman that betrayed me, my wife. The one who did have sex on the front seat of my car with a man that wasn't me. It had been over between us, I had been in love with another woman, but it hurt. God, it hurt. If I faced that I'd fall face first into Meredith's arms and never want to move. And that just wasn't an option, it just couldn't be an option.

I didn't quite know why, but every stubborn part of my head told me it wasn't.

Because she had betrayed me.

A tiny voice in my head muttered something about listening to her, giving her a chance to explain as she so obviously wanted to, to let her in because her comforting me might not be too bad. And that than we could have some really amazing sex in this elevator. It was then I realized the voice sounded an awful lot like Mark and told it to shut up. The day I let Mark Sloan tell me what to do, well that day was not going to come. Ever.

So we stood in the elevator, both facing forwards and staring at the numbers as they flashed by. If someone didn't know us they could have stepped on and thought that we didn't even know each other. Of course the person probably would have noticed the tension between us. I could feel her body vibrating with it even though she stood a foot away.

I hated this. This was not us. This was not Meredith and Derek. We yelled, we fought, but we were never silent.

The elevator slowed as it reached it's stop.

"Derek," I was surprised to hear her voice and looked down from the ceiling to find her standing in front of me, fire in her eyes. "You are being an ass. A complete incomrehensible ass. If you bothered, if you...you're an ass. And right now, I could hate you, god I could hate you. But...but...when you're ready to talk, when you're ready to listen to me, I'm waiting," she huffed, turning around and leaving me standing alone, in slight shock from the speech.

Okay, that was my Meredith.

It's not there now, ineloquence and anger are all we have.

So that's what's going on in Derek's head. He's just not letting Meredith in, because if he does, everything that happened will have to be faced. And that's a whole bunch of stuff he isn't ready to face. So he's holding onto his anger at Meredith. And she's there, she's pissed but she's there. Waiting for when he's ready to listen, even though she's mad. So yeah...that's it.

Will update tomorrow hopefully.

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