Chapter 37

When John had retreated to the exercise bike Clara had told him she would spend the time reading a book and even drew one out of his shelf to make it look more convincing. What she had really planned to do was to find out what exactly his book was about and why he was hiding it from her.

After Clara had made sure that he was caught up in his exercise she sneaked into his office and carefully opened the lid of his laptop. Technically, it wasn't a nice thing to do and she was fully aware of that, but she just had to know, right? If the book was truly about her, she had a right to know. If not, then she would close the laptop again and never ask about it until he showed it to her voluntarily. If it was about her, well, Clara would decide what to do then.

Once the laptop had booted a little window popped open, asking her for a password. Damn. She had no idea. With no clue what to do next Clara tried out a variety of words. River. Melody. Missy. Doctor. Anything that came to her mind and yet the computer kept telling her to enter the right password. Clara felt at a loss.

He wouldn't, would he? Not after just two months?

Nevertheless Clara decided to try it and entered "Clara" but with the same result as before – wrong password. By then she had already given up, she would never crack a complicated password containing numbers or symbols and in her frustration she gave it one last chance and typed in "Oswald" when suddenly the window disappeared and the desktop background came into view. The computer was unlocked.

Clara knew she should stop there, she knew it was a bad idea and that maybe she should just trust John, but a part of her couldn't. She had to know. So she opened the most recent file on his computer and leaned forward and started to read.

The doctors had warned me that my life would change after the heart transplant. They had warned me about my diet, they had warned me about my exercise plans and they had warned me about all the illnesses I might catch with my weakened immune system. What they have failed to mention, however, was the fact that I would be living with a strange man's heart, because I don't think anyone can really fathom what it means to live with this foreign object beating inside your chest as a constant reminder of how fragile and complex the human body really is. I don't think I understood it either, not at first. Until the day Clara Oswald forced her way into my life.

So he had done it. He had written down her story. Their story. Clara could hardly believe her eyes, so she scrolled down for a while and read on.

Even though I hadn't even wanted to be there, I knew that I couldn't leave. Clara was crying, sobbing in my arms and for that moment I had my doubts that she would ever stop. I hated seeing her like that, I hated myself a little for being so bad at comforting people and above all I hated the man she was mourning. Jamie hadn't deserved her love, not if he could still make her suffer even after his death. He was gone and it was up to me now to pick up the pieces he had left behind, to love this wonderful woman in my arms that would never love me back.

Clara gasped for air as she read those lines, unable to believe a word of them. John had done all of this behind her back, written down all those personal, private details without ever asking her. Even though she could hardly bear to read any more of it she scrolled further done.

Her moans shot through my body like lightning and the knowledge that I was the reason for her pleasure made me feel more alive than I had ever felt before. There was nothing I wanted more than to please her, to touch her, to kiss her. There was nothing I wanted more than Clara. She had ignited a spark in me that I would not in a million years be able to drown again. When she sank down on top of me, when she surrounded me with her tight wetness, I knew there was no place I would rather be than inside of her.

Clara slammed the laptop shut and immediately stepped back, but that couldn't undo the damage. Nothing could ever make her forget what she had just read.

To his surprise the living room was empty when he stepped inside and Clara was nowhere to be seen. John was about to step under the shower and just wanted to ask whether she would like to join him, but Clara wasn't there. Eventually John found her in his office, sitting at his desk.

"Hey Clara, what's wrong?" he asked immediately, "You look a bit-"

"Shut up," she said, but her voice lacked her usual vigour. Something was up. He could feel it.

"I just wanted to ask whether you-"

"Shut up!" Clara jumped up from the chair, glaring at him with tears in her eyes. He watched her swallow. "I found your book."

John raised his eyebrows, his gaze wandering back and forth between Clara and his laptop. Oh, of course she would figure out his password. It was basically as if he had told her already. John took a deep breath. "What book?"

"Don't play stupid with me! You know exactly what book!" she yelled furiously, the tears now streaming down her face, "The book you wrote about me!"

John took a step forward. He had to calm her down so he could explain it all to her. "Clara, that's not-"

"I said shut up!" Clara gasped for air, "You wrote down everything about me. Every fucking thing. This is my life, John! These are my most private and personal thoughts and you wrote them down just to make money. And you didn't even stop there, no, you wrote down everything between us. It's downright pornographic!"

"Clara-"

"No!" she said determinedly, looking straight at him even though she was crying, "You took my life, you took my pain and my love for you and you turned it into a book just to have something to write about. You used me in the worst possible way."

"I can explain," John almost whispered. She was upset and he needed to make her listen to him, just for a minute.

"I don't want an explanation. Nothing could ever justify this," Clara said, nodding towards the laptop, "You know what? No wonder you needed that transplant. I doubt you had a heart to begin with."

John was so baffled, so struck by her last statement that he couldn't even move to stop her when she rushed past him and he only woke from his trance when the front door closed behind Clara.