WARNING: May need tissue. (I did)

CHAPTER 34
PLEASE

Ranger watched me silently waiting for me to speak. The glare left his eyes and I watched them turn from a glare to a blank slate. "As I told you before, Lester and I are friends. As we have been friends for years." Well, not exactly like we were before. This situation has brought us much closer and that is one thing I am very thankful for. If I had to look for a silver lining in all of this, that would be it. Both Lester and Hector and our closer friendships.

"You were inviting him to your bed. That sounds like more than just friends to me." He stated straight forward and unemotionally. In my head I was telling myself to stay calm, not get angry and get control of this conversation.

"So, what your saying is that two people who are friends cannot sleep in the same bed together without it being about sex?" I asked him raising my eyebrows in question. Reason being he and I have slept in the same bed several times without anything sexual being involved.

Oh, he didn't seem to have a response to that. He continued to watch me as a look of satisfaction came over my face. I was now in control of the conversation.

While I was in control I decided to move on. I wanted to set him straight about Lester. This is one of the things I decided needed to be done. Because if Lester continued to be an issue between us, then it would be my friendship with Lester I would choose and just shut the door on a future anything with Ranger. Right now I didn't now where our future stood or if we would even have one. Or whether it would be only friends or more.

Though it didn't bother Lester that Ranger was giving him a hard time because he was jealous, it did bother me. Lester actually thought it was quite funny and got a kick out of making his friend jealous. Even though Ranger wasn't acting like much of a friend towards him lately.

"Of all of your guys at Rangeman with the exception of Hector, Lester was the only one who stood by me since the moment you walked out the door and left. When you broke my heart and left me here suffering in pieces because that's what YOU thought was best for me, Lester helped me through that." His expression softened as the blank look fell from Ranger's face at hearing my words. "When I wanted to hide away by myself and wallow in my own misery, Lester held my hand and led me along. While I cried, Lester held me and wiped my tears. When I felt like nothing could make me smile again, Lester made me smile. When all your guys turned on me, Lester was the one who stood up for me. When you weren't there, Lester was." I was practically yelling, but my voice was too scratchy due to the tears running down my face. The tears weren't planned, but I couldn't stop them. "If you care about me at all, then you should be 'thanking' Lester."

"I'm sorry babe." He said so quietly I almost didn't hear him.

Through my tears I notice Ranger moving towards me and if I'm not mistaken, his eyes are looking a little watery. He was wearing his emotions all over his face. It wasn't often that happened. Regret. Hurt. Sorrow. Sham. Maybe stunning him knocked some sense into his thick head. It actually felt like we were having some kind of breakthrough. But I wasn't getting my hopes up yet. This conversation wasn't over and he really didn't say anything in acceptance to what I said about Lester.

By crying I felt like I was losing a little control of the conversation. I knew if he got too close to me especially with his emotional guard down, I would lose total control.

So, what's a girl to do? Do the one thing that worked last time. I reached under my pillow and pulled out my stun gun aiming at him. He froze and stopped in his tracks. Now he and I both know that he could manage to get this stun gun out of my hands before I would have a chance to stun him, but he stopped anyways and put his hands up. I guess that was him trying to be a little funny.

"You know that's not going to work today." He said softly.

"It worked yesterday." I said with a little shrug of my shoulder and a hint of a smile that I couldn't help slip through. I mean come on, I zapped Ranger with my stun gun. That is pretty impressive.

"Only because I wasn't expecting it." He simply stated.

"You should always be aware of your surroundings." I said to him letting a little more of my smile through, but still keeping the stun gun aimed at him. That is like one of Ranger's famous lines, I can't count the number of times he has said that to me.

"You always were a bit of a smart ass." He said with a smile on his face. Oh God, that smile. The smile that makes me weak in the knees. It was a good thing I was already sitting. I couldn't help to be a little relieved that he wasn't upset about me stunning him. At least not that I could tell.

I motioned with the stun gun towards the chair. "You brought that chair with you, you can sit there." He looked from the stun gun to the chair and then back to me. But he didn't move. "Or else this discussion will be over and you can just leave."

For a few seconds he stood there almost like he was debating as to what to do. Then on a deep breath he took the few steps over to where the chair was and then sat in it. Once he was sitting and there was enough space between us to clear my head I slid the stun gun back under the pillow where I pulled it from.

"Now about the chair? How did you get it?" I asked him. It wasn't something I was planning on talking about when I saw him, but since he showed up with the chair my curiosity was piqued.

"You told me to take it with me when I left." He answered. Yeah, he's right, but that chair was still here when I got up and he was already gone.

"But you didn't."

"I had a call and had to leave quickly. I came back and picked it up when I had time." He explained to me. I looked at him in a bit of shock, surprised that he actually listened to what I said. "I thought since everything in your apartment was broke that you might actually want to keep it here."

That last sentence was said as a statement, but the pleading question was there in his eyes. He was asking me to please keep the chair.

"I don't know. I'll think about it." I answered another of his non-questions.

That answer led into an uncomfortable period of silence. I knew kinda what I wanted to say. The general idea was formed, but I was challenged by how to put it in words. How do I start what I have to say. I know what I have to say will hurt for him to hear. No matter how much I was hurt by him, it didn't make it any easier to know that I was going to cause him hurt as well. I kept reminding myself that we wouldn't even be in this mess if it wasn't for his stubborn ass trying to make my decisions for me.

Maybe he sensed what I was feeling. The dilemma I was having with myself. Because he spoke first.

"So, where do we go from here?" He asked me. Opening the doors for what I had to say to him.

I closed my eyes for a few seconds. Rubbed my temples with my fingers. Then looked up at Ranger.

"I really need you to give me some space." I said trying to keep my nerves in tact and my voice from shaking. Before he could say anything I continued, "I need time to heal. I need time to figure out what I'm going to do now. I need time to find myself."

"I can help you. We can do it together." His eyes looking hopeful as he said it.

"No." I said so quietly it was almost a whisper. "I need to do this by myself. You can help by giving me some space and not pressuring me for something I'm not ready for."

Ranger dropped his head. Looking down. His elbows resting on his knees with his hands clasped together tightly.

"Why? Why won't you let me help you?" He lifted his head slightly but not enough for me to look him in the face. Hearing the slight shake of his words as he spoke made me want to go to him. Comfort him. The need to go to him almost overwhelming. But I stood my ground. I grasped tightly to the sheets on the air mattress to keep myself from moving.

If I thought he was hurting now, it would only get worse with what I had to say to him next. I needed to answer his question. Why?

"Why?" I paused. "I don't trust you anymore." I stopped, holding my breath and waited until he looked up. That is something I shouldn't have done.

I was watching his heart break in his eyes. Right now it should feel like I'm getting even. A heartbreak for a heartbreak. Instead it was killing me inside. There was a gut wrenching ache inside of me. Maybe if I hated him it would be much easier, it would feel like I got my revenge. But revenge isn't what I wanted here. I just wanted some time to heal and figure out me.

"You can trust me." There was that pleading in his voice again. Almost begging for my trust. Ranger stood and walked a few steps in the opposite direction of me. I know he was trying to keep his composure because I saw the tears forming in his eyes again as he rose from the chair.

"Sure, I could trust you to protect me protect me and keep me safe." He turned around looking at me with a hint of hope in his glassy eyes. "It's my heart I don't trust you with."

Ranger opened his mouth to say something, but I didn't want to hear his promises.

"Saying you won't do it, making promises, isn't going to help right now." I watched him close his mouth and bite back his words. "The pain is too fresh. I can still feel how much you hurt me when you left. Every time I see you, I feel it all over again." He turned away from me again. Trying to be tough and angry with him and trying not to let him see the pain he caused, hadn't worked so well for me in the times I have seen him. And even though it was hard, that's why I chose to just follow my feelings and go the emotional route this time. Hoping it would get through to him.

It seems like it was the right choice. Even though it was crushing me, I seemed to be getting through to him. "I need time. Please?" I asked. I wanted to hear him agree that he would give me time.

"That's what you really want?" He asked tilting his head up as if he was looking at the ceiling, still facing away from me.

"That's what I need." I managed to get out. The tears were trying to break through again and I was warring with myself to hold them back.

"Will you read the letters I wrote you?" He asked quietly without turning to look at me.

"Yes." He turned around and faced me again. "But not right now." He reacted as if I took another stab at his heart. I think it was an unconscious move as his hand came up and rubbed his chest. My tears were getting closer to bursting through as the feeling was mirrored in my own heart. I haven't felt this desperate sense of loss since Ranger left me, now I felt like it was happening all over again even though this time I was doing it to myself.

He looked away before turning towards the door like a defeated soldier. "I'll go now." He walked towards the door. I don't know why, but the words sounded so final. I couldn't stop myself from following him through the mess in the living room. I was right behind him. Close enough to reach out and touch him. Close enough for me to grab his arm and stop him from leaving. The urge to do so was almost overpowering.

I followed him all the way to the door. Watched him as he quietly opened it and stepped through. I stepped between the open door and the frame. One hand on the frame. One hand on the open door. Ranger was now standing on the other side. He stopped.

My breath froze in my chest as I stood there practically holding myself up. Waiting to see what he was going to do. After a few seconds he turned around.

"I'm going to give you the space your asking for. But don't for one second think that it means I'm giving up on us." He leaned towards me. Placed his finger under my chin tilting my head up and placed a familiar comforting kiss on my forehead "I'm so sorry." He whispered against my forehead before stepping back.

A trail of silent tears was visible on his face and more threatening to fall. My own tears were once again flowing freely down my face. As much as it pained me, I knew it was the right thing to do. Taking a step back I closed the door as he stood there and watched me. Each one of his tears was like a dagger in my heart. The click of the door shutting sounding so loud. I leaned my head right there where the door met the frame and cried against it as I managed to secure all the locks while my knees would still hold me up.

I felt so exhausted. All the energy and strength zapped from my body. I backed myself away from the door and into the corner. I slid down until I was sitting. Knees up. Head down. Balling like a baby. I did accomplish what I wanted with Ranger, but it didn't come easily.