She leaned over the war table, still sniffling from the remnants of the cold she had acquired in the Frostback Basin. She was still trying to wrap her head around the whole situation. Morrigan had shown her an Eluvian, an artifact of her people that was used to travel between worlds. Now the woman said that Corypheus was after one in the Arbor Wilds, and that obtaining one would allow him to reach his goal of physically entering the Fade. Her advisors, all staring stunned at the table, were having the same reaction to the news the witch had brought them. Josephine was on the verge of tears, Cullen was frowning so hard she thought it would become a permanent expression, and even Leliana wore shock openly on her normally obscure features.
"With an Eluvian, Corypheus could cross into the Fade in the flesh?" the spymaster breathed.
"Indeed. The Inquisitor can attest that these artifacts still work if one knows how to use them." Morrigan revealed. Cullen locked eyes with her, worry crossing his face. She gave a slight shake of her head. She would tell him about it later. Something was off about him today, and she couldn't tell what it was.
"What happens if Corypheus enters the Fade?" he asked. He held a curiosity toward magic that she wouldn't have expected of a Templar.
"Why, he will gain his heart's desire, and take the power of a god." Morrigan drawled bluntly. Everyone shifted uncomfortably. She shrugged. "Or, and this is more likely, the lunatic will unleash forces that tear the world apart." she almost sounded cheerful about the whole prospect. Ellana shook her head. They had come too far to lose now.
"I won't allow it. I can't." she argued. Morrigan nodded.
"Indeed. Should Corypheus succeed, do not doubt that you would be the first to feel his holy wrath." she quipped. Josephine dabbed at the corners of her eyes and cleared her throat.
"Pardon me, but...does this mean that everything's lost unless we get to the Eluvian before him?" her voice quavered. Cullen straightened, but there was a hint of defeat in his tone.
"Corypheus has a head start, no matter how quickly our army moves." he reminded them.
"We should gather our allies before we march." Josephine suggested.
"Can we wait for them? We should send our spies ahead to the Arbor Wilds." Leliana argued.
"Without support from the soldiers? You'd lose half of them!" Cullen snapped.
"Then what should we do?" Josephine cried in exasperation. Ellana smacked her hand down hard against the wooden table. The bickering trio turned as one to stare at her.
"You overcome it. All three of you. Together. Josephine, have our allies send scouts to meet us in the Wilds. Leliana, your fastest agents will join them. Together, we'll have enough spies to slow down Corypheus' army until Cullen's soldiers arrive." she ordered. Morrigan chuckled and cleared her throat.
"Such confidence, but the Arbor Wilds are not so kind to visitors. Old elven magic lingers in those woods." she pointed out.
"We'd be remiss not to take advantage of your knowledge, Lady Morrigan. Please, lend us your expertise." Josephine recovered.
"'Tis why I came here. Although it is good to see its value recognized." she preened. Ellana wrinkled her nose. The witch was quite vain sometimes.
"Any further instructions, Inquisitor?" Cullen asked. He was practically twitching, and sweat beaded on his forehead. Worrying about him even more than usual, she stared at him as she spoke.
"The Inquisition began as a handful of soldiers. Thanks to you, we're now a force that will topple a self-proclaimed god. I could ask for no finer council, no better guidance." she proclaimed.
"I speak for all of us when I answer: We could ask for no finer cause." Cullen said, licking his lips. He looked almost guilty.
"We'll hound Corypheus in the Wilds before he can find the temple or this 'Eluvian.'" Leliana promised. With that, the meeting ended, and Cullen bolted from the room before she could speak to him. She moved to follow, but Josephine grabbed her arm.
"Inquisitor, a moment. I wanted to inform you that it will likely take about a week before our forces will be ready to move to the Wilds. Hopefully we can get word to our allies sooner than that, but it will be a process." she explained. She nodded.
"Of course. All we can do is try to move more quickly." she muttered. Josephine nodded.
"I will do what I can." she agreed. Ellana hurried out of the war room, but Cullen was nowhere to be found. She made her way over toward his office, but was intercepted by one of the scouts.
"If you're looking for the Commander, he's speaking with Seeker Pentaghast." he revealed.
"Thank you." she said before turning back toward the armory. She could hear Cassandra arguing before she entered the building.
"You asked for my opinion, and I've given it. Why would you expect it to change?" she growled.
"I expect you to keep your word! It's relentless. I can't..." Cullen was saying as she slowly opened the door.
"You give yourself too little credit!" Cassandra cried. Cullen was scrubbing a hand through his hair, a telltale sign of his anxiety.
"If I'm unable to fulfill what vows I kept, then nothing good has come of this! Would you rather save face than admit-" he paused when he noticed her entrance. Sighing, he edged past her. "Forgive me." he murmured as he left. Her eyes widened. What in Mythal's Blessing was going on?
"And people say I'm stubborn. This is ridiculous." Cassandra quipped. "Cullen told you that he's no longer taking lyrium?" she assumed. Ellana felt defensive of his choice.
"Yes, and I respect his decision." she declared. Cassandra looked taken aback.
"As do I. Not that he's willing to listen. Cullen has asked that I recommend a replacement for him." she revealed. Ellana gasped.
"That would destroy him! He can't mean it!" she denied. Cassandra nodded, raising a hand.
"I refused. It is not necessary. And I agree, he's come so far." she admitted.
"Why didn't he come to me?" Ellana wondered. Cassandra shrugged.
"We had an agreement long before you'd come to us. As a Seeker I could evaluate the dangers. And you know he wouldn't want to risk your disappointment." she reminded her. Ellana sighed and shook her head.
"Idiot shem. He could never disappoint me." she muttered. "Is there anything we can do to change his mind?"
"If anyone could, it's you." the Seeker assured her. Ellana nodded and left to find him. His office door was open, and she could see him staring into a small, familiar box. With a bellow, he hurled it in her direction. She had to jump to avoid being smashed in the stomach with it. His eyes widened in fear.
"Maker's Breath! I didn't hear you enter!" he panted. "I...forgive me." He looked so broken.
"Cullen, talk to me." she urged, entering the room.
"You don't have to-" he groaned as he stumbled and caught himself on his desk. She rushed forward, lending her support. He waved her off. "I never meant for this to interfere." he was pleading with her.
"Are you going to be all right?" she asked, allowing him some space.
"Yes... I don't know." there was a manic, frightened light in his eyes. "You asked what happened to Ferelden's Circle. It was taken over by abominations. The templars – my friends- were slaughtered." he turned away from her, walking over to one of the arrow slits in the wall. "I was tortured. They tried to break my mind, and I- How can you be the same person after that?" his laughter was incredulous. His tone terrified her. "Still, I wanted to serve. They sent me to Kirkwall. I trusted my Knight-Commander, and for what? Her fear of mages ended in madness. Kirkwall's Circle fell. Innocent people died in the streets. Can't you see why I want nothing to do with that life?" he growled.
"Of course I can! I-" she stepped forward.
"Don't! You should be questioning what I've done! I hated your kind! I hated mages and everything they touched! I thought that magic could only be destructive and spoil whatever it touched! If you had met me during that time I would have killed you without question!" he spat.
"Cullen, you don't believe that." she murmured. Tears began flowing down his face.
"You don't know that! You can't possibly know that! I thought this would be better! I thought that I would regain some control over my life, but these thoughts...they won't leave me, Ellana. How many lives depend on our success? I swore myself to this cause..." he was rocking his body as he paced back and forth. It was all she could do not to cry with him. "I will not give less to the Inquisition than I did to the Chantry. I should be taking it." he hurled his fist into the bookcase, knocking off a few volumes. "I should be taking it." he breathed. His entire body was shuddering. She came up behind him and put a hand on his arm.
"The Inquisition doesn't matter right now, Cullen. Is this what you want, emma lath?" she urged. His clenched fist relaxed, and he slumped to his knees. She knelt before him, placing a gentle hand beneath his chin.
"No. But...these memories have always haunted me...if they become worse, if I cannot endure this..." he rambled. She made him look into her eyes.
"You can." she promised. With another shuddering breath, the man she loved began to weep. She moved closer and pulled his head against her chest, stroking his hair and crooning an old Dalish lullaby under her breath, changing some of the words to apply to an adult. He sobbed in her arms finally releasing the pain and fear that he had, up until now, been facing on his own.
"Tel'enfenim, emma lath,
Irrasal ma ghilas,
Ma garas mir renan-
Ara ma'athlan vhenas,
Ara ma'athlan vhenas..." His trembling stopped as she finished, and his breathing steadied.
"What does it mean?" he wondered. She kissed the top of his head.
"Don't be afraid, because no matter where you are, my voice will call you home." she translated. He didn't say anything, but continued to rest his head against her chest. She began to hum again, just letting him relax with the vibration and the sound of her heartbeat. She needed him to know that he would no longer face this alone. They sat there for over an hour before he finally shifted away.
"Thank you." he breathed softly.
"Is it always that bad?" she inquired. He shrugged.
"The pain comes and goes. Sometimes...sometimes I feel as if I'm back there, in that cage. I shouldn't have been pushing myself so hard." he admitted.
"I'm just glad you're all right." she sighed. He smiled at her, the genuine smile that made her heart beat faster.
"I am. I will be. I've never told anyone what truly happened to me in the Circle. I was...not myself after that. I was angry, and for years I was blinded by that. I'm not proud of the man it made me. The way I saw mages...I'm not sure I would have cared about you...the thought of that sickens me. Telling you all this...now I feel like I can put some distance between myself and everything that happened. It's a start." he sighed. She grabbed his hand, slowing drawing circles on it with her thumb.
"For what it's worth, I like who you are now." she promised. He raised his eyebrows.
"Even after...?" he gestured to himself. She rolled her eyes.
"Cullen, I...I love you. You've done nothing to change that." she knew that she was blushing. It was the first time she had told him that she loved him in a language that he understood. His face was full of wonder.
"You love me..." he trailed off before a wide smile filled his face.
"I do. Ar lath, ma vhenan. I love you, my heart." she smiled.
"Ar lath, ma vhenan." he said back, only slightly stumbling over the words. Her heart felt light. They both stood.
"I want to take you somewhere, before we have to go to the Wilds. Do you think we can get away?" he asked. She shrugged.
"Josephine said it would be about a week before the troops are ready to head out, so I don't see why not." she agreed.
"Good." he said, taking her hand and leading her out. She wondered where he could be taking her.