Chapter 37 - Take These Broken Wings
After such a wonderful time at Ted's, Kurt was expecting to go home and snuggle up on the couch with Sebastian. What he wasn't expecting was to get a call from David asking him if he could come over that night and have that conversation with Blaine. Kurt didn't want to lie to Sebastian again, so he simply omitted the truth. He told Sebastian that he needed to go visit an old friend, which wasn't entirely untrue. He could tell that Sebastian grudgingly accepted what he was told. Kurt tried to take Sebastian's mind off of his absence by suggesting that Sebastian go meet Richard and Nick for their weekly Thursday drink ritual at the bar where most of the prominent lawyers of Manhattan spent their evenings.
Sebastian and Kurt had dinner before they went their separate ways and an adorably pointless argument about what the best musical of all time was. Sebastian argued for Rocky Horror while Kurt was set on Moulin Rouge. When they finished dinner, Kurt had the cab drop Sebastian off at the bar before proceeding to David's apartment where David was waiting for him at the door. To say that Kurt was nervous was certainly an understatement. He wasn't nervous he was vibrating with anticipation and anxiety.
Making it to the apartment took relatively little effort. David was quite good at leading Kurt, and Kurt was getting quite good with the cane. Kurt and David waited for Blaine's arrival. "Once we've gotten him used to the idea, I'll leave the two of you to talk," David said softly.
"Where will you go?" Kurt asked curiously nursing the water in his hand.
"Santana's asked me to have a drink with her tonight," David responded and then admitted that he may have divulged their plan to Santana. "Also, Rachel's invited herself," David sounded annoyed, but also grateful that he'd managed to somehow penetrate the inner circle of the New Directions. The group now considered David one of their own.
Kurt nodded upon hearing it and asked if David could show him to the restroom. He didn't want to admit it, but Tracey's coffee, David's tea, and all this water in anticipation of Blaine's arrival made him need to use the restroom. David obliged Kurt's request. He asked if he should wait for Kurt. When Kurt shook his head no, David walked back into the kitchen to wait for Blaine. It didn't take long before he heard the key in the door click and turn. Kurt was still in the restroom. They couldn't have planned it better if they tried.
To Kurt, it was no secret that Blaine was not always the happy person he made himself out to be. Though he'd gone through therapy after getting attacked at the Sadie Hawkins dance, the depression was something that would never be completely gone from his life. The therapy had helped. He'd adjusted and he'd donned that happy armor to shield himself from those darker emotions. However, as a result of the attack, some part of Blaine would forever be cautious, forever need reassurance.
Those emotions were aggravated rather than abated by the father that Blaine grew up with, a father that tried to change who he was. Kurt couldn't imagine what that felt like, but David knew exactly what it felt like for he had a mother that wanted to do the same. In times of great turmoil, as with anyone, these emotions for Blaine became exacerbated. That's why that first time around he had cheated on Kurt. He was afraid that Kurt would forget him. He held on too tightly to Kurt because of his compulsive need for reassurance, and when he didn't get it from Kurt he panicked. In order to forgive Blaine, Kurt had spent a lot of time analyzing his first love until he understood Blaine and his actions. It was only with that understanding that Kurt was able to let go of his anger.
Blaine was doing relatively well before the accident. Sure sometimes he didn't make the best choices, but what 25 year old did? He was discovering himself and what he wanted out of life. His only regret was that he and Kurt just couldn't seem to find a balanced, healthy relationship. Then the accident shattered everything. He escaped with relatively minor abrasions and cuts, only one of which needed stitches. That fact alone haunted him. He walked away from the accident that had blinded Kurt, left him broken and fighting for his life. Worst of all was the fact that the accident was Blaine's fault. Blaine began to feel the itch of depression creeping in, so he started running away again. He might not have gone anywhere, but he buried himself in his work and tried to cope the only way he could - denial. It didn't work. He tried to contact Kurt after time had passed, but he was pushed away and understandably so. It didn't make it any easier to deal with.
Then, by some miracle, Blaine found David and the most unexpected thing happened - he fell in love. It scared him because the last person he loved in the way that he was starting to feel for David had been hurt so badly. He didn't want to hurt David like he'd hurt Kurt. He sometimes tried to run away from David, but David never let him. So, Blaine buried himself in the show and tried to lose himself in David.
It wasn't perfect solution. David didn't know it, but after their talk Blaine started seeing a therapist again. He might not be able to admit it to anyone else yet, but he could admit to himself that he needed help. He didn't want to go back to that dark place. He didn't want to be so consumed by the pain and the fear and the guilt that he couldn't function. He owed it to himself, he owed it to David and he owed it to Kurt to deal with his shit. Slowly but surely the therapy began to help. Maybe it was talking about his feeling with an objective bystander that gave him a new perspective on what had transpired. He probably should have gone to therapy after the accident, but he just wasn't able to bring himself to do so at the time.
He was definitely getting better and felt like he was getting back to that good place again. The show was going well, David had invited him over tonight, it hurt that Kurt wasn't speaking to him at the moment, but Blaine felt like maybe he deserved it a little bit. He'd been responsible for the world being pulled out from under Kurt's feet, so he could take the punishment. Still, there were times when he missed Kurt so much it nearly stole his breath away. Regardless of how things had ended up between them, Kurt would always be a part of Blaine's soul and missing his soul mate was always going to suck.
Tonight, these dark thoughts weren't the focus of Blaine's mind, however. He was thinking about hanging out with David, watching a movie and maybe doing...whatever. He still couldn't quite allow himself to claim David for his boyfriend. He was still too afraid of hurting David, but he was working on it, getting closer, feeling better and more secure about things. He just hoped David could tell that he was really trying. He couldn't help, but worry about that sometimes.
He was clad in comfortable jeans, a t-shirt from the production he was working on right now, a navy blue fleece, and his favorite loafers, of course without socks. His hair was only gelled just enough to keep his curls out of afro mode. He let himself into David's apartment. He was smiling, a genuine smile that was small but real and he was definitely feeling better. He had no idea what he was about to walk into.
David saw Blaine walk in and his heart began to hammer in his chest. Blaine looked so gorgeous, as gorgeous as the first time David had ever set eyes on him on the stairs of McKinley in his Dalton blazer. Looking back on that day, David was surprised how vividly he still remembered it, remembered Blaine telling him he didn't have to be alone anymore, didn't have to be scared. He wondered if somewhere in the crevices of his soul David had believed him even then.
He'd watched Blaine carefully over the last few weeks since they'd had that important conversation after Blaine tried to sneak out of his bed. He saw that Blaine was working hard at trying to overcome the crippling emotions that wreaked havoc through him. As a future psychologist, David knew how difficult it was to deal with depression. Hell, from his own experiences, he understood better than most people. That is why he was so proud of the progress Blaine was making.
"Hi Lamb," David whispered as he closed the distance between them and stood toe to toe with Blaine waiting as always for Blaine to make the move first.
He smiled when he saw David. "Hey," he said softly. He watched David close the distance between them. As soon as he was close enough, Blaine wrapped his arms around David and leaned up to kiss him. "Missed you," he admitted simply. It was true though, he had. He might not come right out and say things, but the fact that he loved David was there in the signs. Blaine Devon Anderson would always be part puppy, even if David called him Lamb.
David wanted so desperately to tell Blaine that he loved him that everything would be okay, but he didn't want to spook Blaine or frighten him. Sometimes being with someone like Blaine was very difficult and sometimes it was as easy as breathing. Instead of saying anything, David wrapped his arms around Blaine's waist and practically picked the smaller man up into his arms as he pulled him close to his body. David often felt like a bear, burly and clumsy, and not at all sexy. He wondered if it was even possible for someone like Blaine to love him. David had a lot of his own insecurities after all, but being with Blaine made it difficult to give them a voice, put them in the foreground or worse still devote any focus on them at all.
Blaine loved it when David picked him up like that. He didn't know why. If anything, it should spook him. Shouldn't it? But, it didn't. He felt so warm, so safe and so loved when David held him tight. It made his insides go all fluttery. He did love David. Sure, David might not be conventionally sexy, but there was something so unequivocally masculine about him and that was very sexy to Blaine.
The sound of the toilet flushing and the door opening broke Blaine's musings. Then the tap, tap, tap of Kurt's cane could be heard on the hardwood floors as he found his way through the apartment. David was still holding onto Blaine so tightly that he could feel Blaine stiffen like a board in his arms. David regretted letting him go and when he did the look on Blaine's face - anger, hurt and betrayal. It was enough to make David sick. He wanted to say something, but words had left him and a palpable silence descended until Kurt broke it. "David?" Kurt's voice, filled with confusion, rang through like a bell.
Blaine was confused when he heard the toilet flush, but it was the tap, tap, tap that clicked the puzzle piece into place. He didn't mean to look so wounded and betrayed, but why hadn't David told him that Kurt was going to be here? Blaine had a small moment of panic. How was he supposed to face Kurt now? That voice - hearing Kurt's voice again nearly leveled him. His breath caught at the sight of Kurt. He was still breathtakingly handsome, but it was more than that. It was the presence of the cane. The way Kurt's eyes didn't focus on anything, the proof that Kurt was blind. Kurt was blind and it was all Blaine's fault. It laid his emotions bare. Blaine choked back a sob. No, he had to deal with this. He had to stand and face the music and deal with this, however it turned out. He owed it to David. He owed it to himself. But, most of all, he owed it to Kurt.
Blaine swallowed the lump in his throat and took a breath releasing it slowly. "Hello, Kurt." he called out, his voice somewhat raw, but he looked to David and nodded. He was here, he could do this. He was going to do this.
Kurt swayed and lost his balance almost. Suddenly, the room felt like it had no floor and it was spinning. "Hello Blaine," Kurt said his voice equally raw. The world melted away and there was nothing but the beat of his own heart in his ears and the knowledge that Blaine stood but a few feet away from him.
Blaine didn't know what he was supposed to do. He looked towards David, who looked only slightly less lost than Blaine felt which was strange because recently David had become his anchor, keeping him here instead of retreating into himself. Blaine took another deep breath and let it go. Then, he crossed the distance and took Kurt's hand in his own just like he had on the staircase at Dalton. "I'm sorry Kurt," he said sincerely. He let those words hang between them.
This was the part where Kurt was suppose to tell Blaine that it was okay, that he forgave him, and in his heart he did, but he just couldn't get the words passed his lips. He shook his head and felt tears trickling down his cheeks. He heard the stool move and could picture David's concerned expression. He heard David take a few steps towards them, but Kurt shook his head again. David's voice rang through the room. "I'll leave you two to talk. I have a prior engagement," he said in a hesitant voice. Maybe leaving these two men alone wasn't such a great idea.
Blaine's heart clenched when Kurt shook his head. He'd been expecting that, but it didn't make it hurt any less. Kurt was crying. He'd hurt him again. He just couldn't get anything right. Could he? Then, David said he was leaving and panic flashed in Blaine's heart for a moment. How was he supposed to be here with Kurt - alone? 'No. No Blaine, focus. This is Kurt. No matter how angry he is, no matter how much he hates you, you can do this. You need to. You need to stand there and listen to whatever he has to say so that he can move on and get past what happened,' Blaine chided himself. He missed the little voice in the back of his head echoing that he could move on too.
He saw those tears and he was reacting before he consciously registered anything. His other hand came up and his thumb wiped away the tears. No words, he didn't have any at the moment.
Kurt leaned into the touch like it was food and he was a starving man, starving for that touch. He heard the front door open and then close and all of a sudden they were alone, like they'd been so many times before in their lives, but this was different, they were different.
Outside of the apartment, David shut the door and then leaned his forehead upon it bringing his palm to the door as if somehow touching the wood would transfer the contact to Blaine. It was one of the hardest things David had done in a while leaving Blaine with the man that was arguably Blaine's one. It wasn't that he didn't trust the two, but there was such a chemistry between them that the air in the room was palpable. How could David compete with that? As the thoughts flooded his mind, David turned from the door and walked into the brisk night air letting the thoughts sit with him like one might sit with old friends.