Chapter 37: Love Him, Love Him Not

Webb sighed and set down the scroll he'd been reading, realizing that he couldn't concentrate on it. Gareth had been gone for a week and he couldn't help thinking about what could happen. He didn't like to think about the possibility that Gareth wouldn't return, but it kept creeping into his thoughts. It was especially bad at night when the priests and other residents were asleep and the temple was quiet. There was nothing to occupy his thoughts then. The priests had been very helpful, and that young initiate Jeremy had been a welcome visitor. During the day, they kept him distracted and entertained. But, they were no substitute for Gareth. He hadn't realized how much he would miss him.

His thoughts turned to Jeremy. He and the young man were almost the same height and if he'd been healthy, they would have been about the same weight and build. Jeremy had big hands and strong arms and looked like he could break a man in half. However, he was soft spoken and unfailingly gentle, with a deep baritone voice that soothed and comforted. The kid had an excellent bedside manner and would do well as a priest and healer which were his goals.

Jeremy's most striking feature were his eyes, which were a silver-grey color that changed with his mood. When he was happy, they seemed to gleam like liquid silver, and when he was angry, they took on the color of thunderclouds. Combine that with his black hair, aristocratic features, and ready smile, and he made quite the attractive package. Webb frowned slightly at that thought. He would be lying if he said he wasn't attracted to the young priest. But until he figured out where his and Gareth's relationship was going, it wasn't right to think about Jeremy in such a way. He didn't even know if Jeremy liked other men or would want to be with him outside the temple.

Gareth. His best friend since childhood, his first lover, the man he thought he would live and grow old with. He loved him and Gareth returned that love, there was no question about that. However, were they still in love with each other? He wasn't blind or deaf. He'd heard the rumors about Gareth and Darmon, had seen the way those two looked at each other. He hadn't exactly been celibate since coming to Neverwinter, a man had needs after all. But, they had been simple flings, two men taking comfort in each other, nothing more. If Gareth was no longer in love with him, and vice versa, then it was best they break off the relationship. The only thing that scared him was that he didn't want to lose Gareth's friendship in the process. He sighed and rubbed his face in his hands.

"That is the sound of a man with a troubled mind," a soft voice said.

Webb looked up to see the monk Shen standing in the doorway. "Yes, my mind is troubled."

Shen picked up a chair and placed it beside the bed, sitting down and fixing his gaze on the soldier. "If I were to guess, I would say that a certain young monk is at the heart of your trouble. If you wish to talk about him, I am willing to listen."

Webb was silent for a while, looking down at his hands, trying to gather his thoughts. "When I was down in that hole, in the darkness, the only thing that kept me sane was thoughts of Gareth. I kept reliving our time together, in the village and at the monastery. I kept wishing that I had one more chance to tell Gareth how much I loved him. I never thought to survive that place, or to see Gareth ever again."

"And then he shows up and saves you," Shen nodded. "You are given another chance at life and love."

"Yes," Webb said softly. "It seemed like a miracle. Then Gareth tells me how he dreamt that I was in trouble and that he had to find me. He says the dream was what sent him to Neverwinter in the first place. But, he was here for months, and though I can't remember much, I do know that I wasn't in that hole for that long."

"So you wonder why, if the dream was a true one, Gareth took so long to find you," Shen answered the unspoken question.

"Yes," Webb nodded. "I don't want to doubt Gareth, but I find it hard to believe."

The old monk was silent for a while. "I have given the matter a great deal of thought. Most people worship one god or another, but often don't understand the way the gods work in our lives. They send up prayers with half a heart, not expecting to receive an answer. The gods rarely involve themselves directly in the lives of mortals, seldom giving overt signs of their existence. The most common way they speak to us is through our dreams, to our hearts. But to hear the message, one must be open to it."

"But, I have heard priests talk about signs and such," Webb was puzzled.

"It is a priest's job to keep his heart and mind open to the god and to be on the watch for signs, no matter how small," Shen smiled slightly. "However, it is rare that these signs physically manifest themselves. When you hear a priest talk about something being a sign, it is mostly the priest drawing on knowledge of past events, or on something they saw in a dream given to them by the gods."

"So, how does this explain what Gareth told me?" Webb asked.

"On his journey to Neverwinter, Gareth had few distractions," the old monk answered. "His mind and heart were more open to the message. Once in the city, the mundane matters of life took over his thoughts. In essence, his mind and heart became closed to the god's message for a while. Then something happened to open that channel again. Once it did, he became focused on finding you."

"It was Darmon's presence in his life wasn't it?" Webb asked shrewdly.

"Ah, I wondered if you knew," Shen sighed. "Yes. Gareth was very confused about his feelings, both about you and Darmon. He loves you, never question that, but he does have deep feelings for Darmon. I asked him if he thought you were still alive, or if he was merely holding on to a dream of what had been. I believe it was this that reopened his mind. He became determined to find you and answer that question."

"I know he loves me, and I love him," Webb murmured.

"But-?" the monk prompted.

"I don't think we are 'in love' with each other anymore," he answered. They lapsed into silence for a long while.

"Sometimes when we almost lose that which is dear to us, we start to wonder if we did something wrong," Shen finally spoke. "We feel guilty, that it is our fault for what happened. Driven by this guilt, by the belief we didn't do enough the first time, we try desperately to hold on to what we hold dear. I'll be honest with you. Gareth harbors much guilt in his heart for what befell you. He is determined to not fail you again. He will put your happiness and well being first, before his duty, before his own happiness. He will not willingly let go. If it is truly guilt that holds him to you, then no one benefits."

"If Sand is not successful in his search, then I will die," Webb replied. "If he is successful, then it will be a long time before I will be well enough to fend for myself. I don't want Gareth putting his life on hold for me. I have a feeling that big events are on the horizon and others will need him more."

"Only you can set him free Webb," Shen said gently. "You need to search your heart for the truth. If you are no longer in love with him, or you believe he is no longer in love with you, then you must let him go so both of you can move forward. He will not be able to do it."

"I have always looked out for him, protected him," Webb mused. "I have always been the stronger of the two and now those roles are reversed. It is I who needs to be looked after. I don't want him staying with me out of devotion or guilt."

"Only you can decide if the love you shared is still there," Shen said as he stood up.

"Thank you," Webb said sincerely.

"You're welcome," the monk bowed slightly and left the room.

Webb settled back against his pillows and stared at the ceiling thinking on all they had discussed. He would have dismissed Shen's words if not for one thing. The kiss he and Gareth shared before the young monk left. That kiss had been almost chaste, lacking the fire and passion of others they shared before. He knew that to hold on to the past for fear of the future was self-defeating. But, he feared to lose Gareth's friendship, for that meant more to him than anything in the world. Sighing, he closed his eyes and tried to get some sleep.