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That bloody Chakra!
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When Zuko and I returned from the beach (after a long time), we found a note from Sokka propped up against a teapot on the table. It simply said: We both home. Suki a little drunk. Going to bed. See you in the morning. Seen as though it was really late (or really early, depending on how you looked at it) Zuko and I decided to go to bed too.
(Separately. Boo.)
-?-
I was eating breakfast and watching the morning firebending practice (mmmmmmhhhhhh shirtless Zuko). Sokka and Suki came over and sat with me. Well Sokka came over and sat with me. Suki leaned on Sokka heavily and stumbled her way over slowly and grumbled faintly the whole time. She was wearing Sokka's eclipse glasses and really seemed to be struggling with life at the moment. Sokka left her in the shade with me (she flopped on me hopelessly) and went over into the kitchen and got her a giant watermelon juice. When he came back, he rubbed her back gently and put the melon in her hands. Suki stared at her watermelon for a beat before muttering at it never drink plonk, little melon.
Oh dear.
Suki was of the belief that it was better to get up and about and drink lots of fluid, instead of luxuriating in bed all day, when one has a hangover. Still I think she should have luxuriated a bit more, just quietly. Sokka said that since we were all up, all three of us could compare notes on last night so he could start formulating plans. We started talking about last night. I went first. I hadn't actually found out that much, in hindsight, that wasn't about Zuko. I didn't want to tell them too much, because I had promised Zuko I wouldn't. But there were some things I couldn't wait to share with Sokka and other things I found out that might be useful.
I told him about how our Dad was sabotaging the firenation colonies. Sokka was thrilled that dad was okay and still fighting had had acquired a bad-ass nickname (The blue wolf! How cool a name is that?) I said that dad had used stink-and-sink-bombs (but for land!) and had wrecked much mayhem on transport lines, firenation army supplies etc and Sokka said dad was always fond of causing mayhem for the firenation army. I told them that I knew there was a great deal of troop relocation going on between the colonies. And also, for whatever it was worth, there had been four rounds of conscription this year, so not all of the soldiers we would be fighting had actually chosen to be in the war.
None of us chose to be in the war! Suki grumbled as she cradled her melon. And then she regaled us of all she had found out during the course of her eventful evening. Last night Suki had made many friends, taught a large group of drunken girls how to do the fan dance, drunk too much plonk with Rena, made many musical requests, had a deep and meaningful with long tongue and Rei (during which, and I'm just guessing here, more plonk was drunk) then she returned to her drunken followers and danced some more and then she and her drunken followers had lain under the tree with the lanterns. She had spent a large amount of time chatting to two girls. She couldn't remember their names, but one of the girls had been a fellow redhead and they had started chatting out of redheaded solidarity. Redhead and not-so-redhead had both been the daughters of newly promoted airship pilots. Both their dads had been elite tank drivers and they had gotten rapidly promoted a few months back. Apparently a lot more new airships had been built, so Suki surmised that there would probably be airships guarding the capital again, like there had been on the day of the eclipse. (Sokka had obviously told Suki all about the invasion at some point).
Sokka was glad of our information because he, unfortunately, had not found out that much despite talking to drunken retired generals all night. Instead of finding out about current military movements, he heard a great deal about all of the various infighting, spats, disagreements and shenanigans between the different admirals and commanders and colonels. Every single branch of the military had a simmering and chronic spat with some other branch. To Sokka, it seemed like the Firenation War Machine was not as tightly oiled as we once thought and contained more petty feuds and juvenile disputes than the rest of the world put together. Sokka hypothesized (out of Zuko's hearing) that because firenation people were all rather feisty, feuding was a natural state of being for them. Sokka had heard much about various famous disputes, such as What Admiral Dickhead Had Said About General Bumface After The Last War Meeting, Colonel Shortstuff Wont Share His Yu Yan Archers For Anything and Isn't That Just Typical Of A Sky Islander, and What Happened To The Gold and Jade Moose Lion Statue That Was Meant To Be A War Trophy For Captain Girly-Voice That Admiral Arse-Kisser Promised Him After He Joined His Ship With The Three Rivers Taskforce,That's What I'd Like To Know, Thank You Very Much, and everybody had an opinion on (the most favourite topic of conversation) How Admiral Mutton Chops Had Been Promoted Ahead Of Commander Bignose When Bignose Was Much More Deserving And Everybody Knew It And Hadn't Mutton Chops Cocked Everything Up Royally And Doesn't that Just Show You That Ozai Will Promote Anyone These Days.
-?-
Sokka went off to the library to brainstorm ideas about how to factor airships into his various plans and strategies for the next time we invade. The Library as well as the toilet is Sokka's scared thinking place. Suki lounged on the hammock and groaned again and asked me to get her another melon because she was dying. (she's not really dying, she's just hungover). I got her another melon and tried to make the hangover tea for her. She took both gratefully and drank the tea quickly before lying back in the hammock and cradling the melon. I watched the firebending for a little bit. Zuko and Aang were running through all the different forms in unison and it was kind of hypnotic to watch. Zuko's muscular body stretching and flexing in the sun. mmmmhhh. Not sure how much time passed. I went into a bit of a daydream. A nice daydream involving Zuko and beaches and ….other things.
After a while Suki rolled over so her head was next to me and said you two have fun last night? with a tone that suggested she was trying to sound casual and then she nodded in Zuko's direction. I felt myself blush and claimed ignorance, (I don't know what you mean etc.) Suki smiled and said that she and Sokka had seen us on the beach. I said that we had just been talking. Suki lifted the eclipse goggles for a second to wink at me and she said right...just talking, in an exceptionally sultry voice. She was implying tawdry shenanigans with the tone of her voice and there had been nothing tawdry about last night. I told Suki that whatever she was thinking happened – hadn't happened and anyway she was drunk and just imagining things and we really had been just talking. Suki said riiiight, lifted the eclipse goggles, winked again and rolled back over.
No!
Seriously, Suki! Nothing happened.
-?-
Toph woke up and wandered blearily around with breakfast indecision (she was torn between breakfast food options). Did she want a sandwich of banana and Sokka's secret sauce (oh that sounds all kinds of revolting) or did she want a big fruit salad? I advised her fruit salad-wards and made her up a bowl of mango and passionfruit and lychee. She sat with me and Suki and asked us how the party had been. I said it was fine nonchalantly and Suki said I never drink again mournfully from the hammock. That good huh? Toph said cheekily and then she turned observe the firebending and heckle Zuko and Aang.
After a while they took a break and flopped down with us and Aang was babbling enthusiastically about bending and how far he'd come and did we see how good he'd gotten, did we see him, did we see that perfect triple phoenix form fireball? Did we? Even though Sozin's comet was close, Aang was feeling good about his bending. In the face of such enthusiasm, Zuko simply nodded and said Aang had done well and he was proud. After a short break (Zuko made tea) Aang wanted to try four way bending again before lunch.
-?-
We had a very intense bending session, with earth and fire and water going everywhere. During the course of our four way spar I got immensely distracted by the hypnotizing powers of Zuko's body. It is immensely distracting! That thing he does, when he's fallen on his back and he swings his legs around his head and firebends out his feet and then leaps back up like woah... I love watching him do that.
Maybe too much...
mmmmmmhhhh hypnotic leg swing…
He'd hypnotize me with a leg swing and then I'd start thinking about all the other things he could do on his back and...needless to say I was completely distracted throughout training.
-?-
After training, Zuko and I made lunch together for everybody. He was being extra helpful and attentive today and I was trying my best to treat him how I always did, but it was just so hard because all I wanted to do was...was not conducive to cooking lunch. We were a bit quiet and awkward with each other at the start, because it was just the two of us in the kitchen, standing side by side and chopping. This was the first time we'd been alone together since last night and I guess neither of us was quite sure how to act around each other after such an emotionally intense shenanigan. So we chopped in a companionable silence (it wasn't really an awkward silence) and I kept sneaking little glances at him. I think he was sneaking little glances at me because every now and again we'd catch each other's eye and then blush and turn back to our chopping with renewed gusto.
These accidental moments of eye contact happened at least eight times and after the eighth time I decided we had to have some conversation about something! After a while I noticed that Zuko was chopping the carrots on a slight diagonal and really it would be better if he chopped them into little cubes, not diagonal slices and I said as much. He made a cheeky comment back about my bossiness and I made a cheeky comment about his knife skills and he made a cheeky comment about my cooking (and its need for fireflakes) and then I splashed some water at him and he splashed me right back and our normal friendly bickering resumed. For a brief moment there, it just felt so wonderfully normal and cosy, for us to be in the kitchen making lunch together and teasing each other and laughing.
-?-
At lunch Suki just looked at the curry and then decided she wasn't very hungry and instead sat leaning her head on her hands and drank cup after cup of ginger tea (Zuko made some up for her, it's meant to help settle her stomach). Sokka had brought many sheets of paper to the table and as well as a brush and an ink tablet and was writing and muttering to himself and drawing little lines all over the place. Toph was throwing her sprouts over her shoulder at Momo and Aang was talking cheerfully about something or other. When Zuko and I sat down and started to eat, he started talking to us (and Toph) about bending. Aang was being super optimistic and looking for us to reassure him of his excellence in bending with our respective elements – which we all did, with varying degrees of caveats added. This pleased Aang and he said, as if he was trying to convince himself Well, at this rate, I'll be able to beat the firelord without the Avatar State easily.
I said something encouraging because I was glad that Aang was feeling more confident in his ability. Master Pakku said that believing in your own ability as a waterbender was crucial and I imagine it's the same for other bendings. Toph nodded along, but Zuko looked bemused. Why would you want to try a daft thing like that? Fighting my...the firelord without the Avatar state? He said and then made a confused face.
Oh.
Well, whoops. If Zuko hadn't known Aang couldn't go into the avatar state anymore, he was certainly about to find out. Aang, not entirely heedless of the explosion he was about to set off, said with a great deal of trepidation, Oh I can't go into the avatar state anymore. That's not going to be a problem is it? There was a delicate but tremendous sort of silence, and then Zuko laughed like he'd just been told a funny joke. What the hell? This was not the reaction any of us had been expecting. Sokka looked at me with some confusion. Zuko said that had been a really funny joke and Aang had got him there. Aang disabused him of this notion and explained (with a great deal of nervousness) that he wasn't joking.
WHAT? Zuko shouted, surprised and angry. Yep, this had been more of the reaction I'd been expecting the first time round. What followed was a weird argument, which consisted of Aang making a statement/excuse and Zuko repeating what he said, only loudly and with amendments and very different intonation. Well, I err...I can't go into the Avatar State anymore- You can't go into the avatar state anymore? And so on and so forth. After a bit of shouty incredulous repetition, Suki said too much shouting to the tea cup in her hand and there was another moment's pause. Zuko apologized to her and took a deep breath and visibly counted to ten.
Aang started to explain about Guru Pathik and Eastern Air Temples and cosmic pools of energy with bits of weed in them and stuff. Zuko looked a bit lost and said he didn't see how bits of weed in a pond would stop Aang from going into the Avatar State. Aang said it was the pond weed was symbolic of the cosmic blockage to his seventh chakra. Zuko waved his hands about in confusion and said okay, now you've lost me, what's a chakra? And he glanced at me and Sokka. I shrugged hopelessly. I don't actually know. All I know is that Aang has seven of them and one of them is bunged up with cosmic weed.
Aang tried to explain about chakras, but I don't think any of us at the table quite grasped the concept to Aang's satisfaction. Mostly, because after the initial explanation, Sokka came up with a few ideas about how we could unblock Aang. More prunes, balanced diet to help Aang be regular etc etc. The rest of us pondered this and agreed with Sokka. It could work. Aang was got a bit indignant and said none of us understood, quite stroppily. Sheesh, we are only trying to help! Toph made a sarcastic comment that Aang was so cranky on account of being blocked up and Aang huffed at her impatiently.
Ages ago, Aang told us he couldn't go into the Avatar state anymore, but he hadn't been able to properly explain how or why this had happened and would just ramble some complicated cosmic-y mumbo jumbo. Sokka, Toph and I had actually assumed it was mostly a confidence thing. He'd had such a huge blow to his confidence when Azula shot him with lightning and he'd been so weakened when he first woke up, lots of the things that used to come easily to him, suddenly didn't. Those first few weeks in the firenation, I had watched him carefully and made him eat right and tried to build his strength back up and trained him on easier waterbending forms in the hope that would help improve his confidence and mood.
It worked for the most part, but Aang had still insisted he couldn't go into the Avatar state anymore. I'd corresponded with healer Yugoda and she'd written back explaining about how sometimes when people have been severely injured they convince themselves in their minds, that they can't do things they used to be able to do, but with time, patience, and a bit of different thinking, they often recovered their previous abilities. She'd included a few suggestions and treatments and recommended lots of encouragement and positive reinforcement, which was not a problem for me, because I was always giving Aang encouragement and positive reinforcement. Sokka and Toph and I had hoped that when the time came, Aang would get over – whatever this thing was- and come through for us and go into the Avatar state if it was necessary to win.
I hate seeing Aang in the Avatar state, but I would hate seeing Aang hurt again even more. But it didn't sound like Aang confidence issues were what was blocking the Avatar state, from the way Aang was talking. Maybe it would be easier if someone (who was not sarcastic about it) got him to explain in his own words what the problem was. I rubbed Aang's shoulder gently and asked him what he thought the best way to unlock his charka was.
Aang said that to unblock any charka, you had to let something go, be it anger or guilt or shame. I said, in a gentle tone, that it sounded like a good thing to be able to let those negative emotions go. Aang nodded but then said that the seventh chakra was the hardest chakra. The first time he tried to unblock the seventh chakra, with Guru Pathik, he'd had to let go of...he paused here and looked me right in the eye and then he looked away and said earthy attachments.
There was a pause and Zuko, who was trying to be calm and copy my gentle and encouraging tone of voice, asked if he could try unblocking the chakra now, without the guru. Aang said no, it wouldn't work that way. Zuko lost his calm tone and said you're not even trying! with some indignation. Aang said that he didn't need to try to know that he couldn't do it and the last time he had tried Azula had shot him with lightning. Zuko said that no one was going to shoot him with lightning if he tried to unblock his chakra now, and Sokka chimed in that Aang should really give it a try, let go of those attachments and see if he could get his glowy mojo on!
Aang seemed to feel like the boys were ganging up on him and he got a bit cross and said it wasn't as easy as they thought. He paused and then added indignantly besides, I don't want to let my earthly attachments go and your uncle agreed with me! He pointed at Zuko when he said this and Zuko made a who?-me? face in response. Aang said that Uncle thought it was wiser to chose love over power. Zuko took a deep breath and seemed reluctant to argument with his uncle's words of wisdom, as paraphrased by Aang. He said that regardless of whether it was wiser or not, we all needed Aang to use his Avatar powers if we wanted to have a chance at winning the war. Aang said he didn't want to have to give all his earthly attachments up and it wasn't fair that he never got what he wanted indignantly. Zuko said Well Aang, this is bigger than what you want at the moment. If you can't go into the avatar state, we'll... If you don't step up – Aang looked upset with where this conversation was going and he got to his feet and interrupted with an cross Well, why is it always me who has to step up! Zuko said because Aang was the Avatar, like it was the most simple thing in the world. Aang fired back that he didn't ever ask to be the Avatar. Zuko said firmly You have a responsibility Aang, and you cannot just wish it away. Aang paused for a second before beginning with but maybe...at this Zuko had enough and he stood up as well and said crossly no buts! Don't you understand! We could all die Aang! If you don't get glowy and kill the firelord, we are all dead! He said this exceptionally loudly, crossly and melodramatically and as usual when Zuko drops a dramatic pronouncement, there was a anxious pause for a few seconds following it.
Wow, that put a real dampener on lunch.
I mean, I always knew in the back of my mind, that it was a possibility. But it was a possibility I preferred not to think about. I'm an optimist, but I'm not an idiot. I knew that without the Avatar state, the battle would be much much harder, but it was another thing to hear Zuko say we could all die, so simply and bluntly. Aang and Zuko were both standing in classic argument pose, arms crossed and glaring. Aang looked away first and said with some disgruntlement nobody ever said anything about killing anyone. Zuko rolled his eyes exasperated and said what did you think we meant when we talked about defeating the firelord? He added that a fight with the firelord would be a fight to the death and Aang would need the Avatar state if he wanted to have a chance at beating Ozai.
Aang got a bit defensive and said that none of us respected what a big thing we were asking of Aang. He had to give up his worldly attachments to be the Avatar and he had to give up his air nomad beliefs if he wanted to be the Avatar. I tried to diffuse the situation and said that nobody was asking him to do any of that. Sokka chimed in, trying to help me diffuse the situation, but instead he made it worse. He said that we were just asking him to try and get his Avatar state action on so he could kill the firelord. He could do that and keep his air nomad beliefs. Aang got very cross and said that we didn't get it at all and the monks had taught him that all life was sacred and airbenders should never ever kill things. The monks believed in non-violent solutions to problems and being pacifists etc. Aang talked at length about Air nomad teachings and how peaceful they were until Zuko said with some sarcasm yeah and look at what happened to them, and pointed out that all their pacifism hadn't saved them when the last comet came and sometimes you have to fight, even if you don't want to.
Aang said that the monks had always taught him that violence was never the answer, it only beget more violence. Zuko said that violence might not be the answer, but it would definitely be necessary when we fought the firelord. Aang said that there were other ways to approach the problem of Ozai, and the Monks always told him to meet violence with forgiveness and maybe if Zuko forgave his father, Ozai would be a nicer person and maybe if we were all nice to Ozai, he might see the error of his ways and stop fighting and then the war could end bloodlessly.
Ah, the F word again.
I can't say I've missed it, or Aang's tendency to bring it up when it is least appropriate. I felt really angry for Zuko. Aang didn't understand a thing about Zuko and his father and he was just spouting off about forgiveness. It had annoyed me when he did that before we went to the Southern Raiders, but it really pissed me off now. Hadn't Aang learned anything from our previous shenanigans regarding the F word? I felt a surge of anger and fought the urge to seize Aang by the ear and drag him outside and explain why that was a horrid and ridiculous thing for him to say to Zuko. But I had promised Zuko I wouldn't say a word, so instead I clenched my fists and felt a little helpless to stop the oncoming explosion.
There was a big silence and Zuko looked more incredulous than I have ever seen him. His eyes widened in anger and shock and he mouthed along the words as if he was puzzling them out and trying to figure out if Aang was kidding. He took one look at Aang's earnest face, full of hopeful, naïve sincerity, and I swear, steam started coming out of his ears.
He wasn't having a bar of Aang's blah blahing about forgiveness and he wasn't polite about it either. He swore. Quite explosively. Zuko hardly ever uses this particular swear word (too posh for it) so he was definitely upset. The word he used rhymes with puck. He told Aang to go puck himself and puck airnomad teachings and puck forgiveness and Aang was a pucking idiot if he thought that Zuko was going to pucking forgive his pucking poor excuse for a pucking father.
Puck it all!
There was a clatter of plates and he stormed off. Aang shout after him that he knew Zuko wouldn't understand and then he stormed off as well, possibly just because he wanted to exit the situation equally as dramatically.
Toph, Sokka and I just blinked for two seconds at each other, while Suki mumbled from her position with her head flat on the table too much shouting again. Sokka decided to take Suki back to her room where it was nice and dark and quiet, and he helped her to her feet. He said as he was leaving that he thought we'd be better off giving them both some time and space. They'd both come back after they'd cooled down. Toph waited until Sokka's footsteps and Suki's shuffle receded and then she turned to me and said bugger that, I've got some things I gotta say to twinkletoes. I'll find Aang, You find Zuko. And she slid off her chair and set off after Aang with a determined gait.
-?-
I am beside myself with worry. I have been looking for half an hour and I have seen no sign of him.
-?-
Oh Zuko, where the hell have you gotten too?
-?-
Toph has found Aang and gotten him to smash rocks as a way of channeling his stubbornness and anger. I am glad that Toph volunteered for the job of talking to Aang. Her blunt crazy wisdom really helps Aang sometimes and I think that is exactly what he needs now. Also I am exceptionally pissed off at him right now and I would not be able to muster the requisite patience and gentleness. Because I want to smack him repeatedly with the common sense stick and that is neither patient or gentle.
-?-
I have looked everywhere! Literally everywhere! This is beyond ridiculous! All his favourite spots! Really now!
-?-
How can Toph find Aang in under half an hour, but I cannot find Zuko in over three hours of searching. I was going to go and ask Toph if she could use her earthbendy senses to help me out, but she was busy. I was just about to call out the kitchen window, when I realised I was about to interrupt a Very Important Conversation. Toph had made Aang earth bend until he was absolutely exhausted. He was lying on his back in the shade and her small self wandered over, sat next to him and asked him, bluntly, if he wanted to talk about it now.
Driven by my desire to know everybody's business and eavesdrop, I slid down the wall to hide myself so they wouldn't see me. I don't know why I did this. Toph couldn't see me and Aang wasn't looking, but still. I inched closer, until I was sitting just behind the door, so I could hear them better.
Aang asked Toph if she thought Zuko was right, about him needing to go into the avatar state or everyone would die. Toph thought for a second and then answered, rather diplomatically for Toph, that she thought Aang should at least try to unblock his Seventh Chakra and get his cosmic energy flowing again. Aang sighed and said nothing. After a few moments Toph asked what was the earthly attachment Aang found so hard to let go. He seemed so free and so unattached, what was so different about this thing blocking the seventh chakra?
There was a long pause and then Aang confessed, really softly, that it was me.
Oh Toph said and then there was silence in the courtyard
Oh indeed!
What the hell! I am what is stopping Aang from going into the avatar state? How! Is it because I was so negative about him going into the Avatar state back at General Fong's base? Now my opinion had changed, I don't like seeing Aang go into the Avatar state, especially as he has so little control over it, but when push comes to shove, it could be a necessary evil. We would have been slaughtered at the north pole if it wasn't for the Avatar state. Next time we face the firenation army, I would at least like to know the Avatar state is an option. But I knew in the back of my mind that it wasn't that at all. It was Aang's earthly attachment to me, not my disapproval, that was making it so hard for him to access the avatar state.
Bugger!
And just when I thought all the drama relating to Aang's crush on me had blown over. Perhaps he is getting over me now. Now that I have made it rather clear that I do not reciprocate his feelings. Before, when he saw the Guru, we had never even come close to talking about it. But now we've had a whole... big... awkward... thing and Aang must know by now I don't feel that way about him. Maybe that will make it easier for him to 'let me go' and unblock his chakra. If I am what is holding Aang back, I will make him let me go by force if I have to.
This is beyond ridiculous!
I have always believed that Aang could save the world. I knew it deep in my bones. And I want to help him save the world. I have been there every step of the way, trying to help him save the world and if at the very end, the thing that stops him from saving the world is because he's gotten too attached to me, well then, that just sucks! And all the spirits have very cruel and unusual senses of humour!
Toph seemed to voice my thoughts and she chuckled slightly and said, man, if she knew, she would be so pissed off. Aang was a bit surpised by this and asked why Toph would think that. Toph cleared her throat and said Sugarqueen wants to save the world Aang, if she knew that all the world was put in jeopardy because of you having a little crush on her – you would be whacked into next tuesday with the common sense stick. Aang thought about this for a second and then frantically asked Toph not to tell on him. Toph told him to relax and she wouldn't tell on him, on one condition. He promised to at least try and unblock that chakra. Aang agreed and they sat in silence for a little while.
I had a bit of think. On the one hand, Toph was right. I was pissed off and I did want to do some common sense stick smacking, to help him open up that bloody chakra, of course. But at the same time, Toph had achieved the outcome I would have wanted with the commonsense stick smacking. Aang had agreed to try, at least. Perhaps it would be better to say nothing, because what would be the point. How could anything be gained from digging up that old seal blubber again. The least said about Aang's annoying, perpetual and cosmic-energy-blocking crush on me, the better.
After a while Aang asked Toph, simply and without preamble Do you think I can win? Toph was a bit startled by such a direct question. And Aang rephrased it and said that if he couldn't unblock the chakra, if he couldn't go into the Avatar state, did Toph still think he could win against Ozai. There was a brief pause before Toph confessed sadly that she didn't know. Aang asked her what she thought he should do and even I could tell that he was talking about more than chakras. You think I know the answers to these things but I don't. I don't know at all what it's like to be you. Pretty scary I should imagine. But you'll have to be brave. Toph said gently. Aang confessed he was scared and I think they hugged. Toph said she knew he was scared, but bravery was not about not being scared, it was about being scared and going ahead anyway. Aang thanked her and there was the sound of a smack and then Toph said, you're welcome twinkletoes.
After a beat Toph added Oh, by the way, you're going to have to apologize to Zuko again. You just poked a giant sore spot with a pointy stick at lunch. Aang muttered monkey feathers under his breath and Toph suggested they throw rocks at each other in the meantime and earthbending training resumed.
-?-
I eventually found Zuko on the roof of the house, in the same place where we chatted about the Seige of the North and how Aang went into the Avatar State back then. Perhaps this is his Avatar related shenanigans moping spot? I have written it down here, so next time there is a shenanigan I will check here first.
I made a bit of noise as I climbed around the window sill onto the roof. I am not as graceful and stealthy at this as Zuko, but I just put that down to lack of practice. He gave me a slight, hesitant smile when he saw me and I clambered over and sat next to him. We sat in silence for a little while. Companionable silence. Eventually I took to the Toph route and elbowed him and asked him if he wanted to talk about it. He didn't really. I told him that I knew how he felt and I'd felt the same, just before we went to go look for the southern raiders and Aang was wrong to harp on about forgiveness the way he did etc. Zuko nodded along with me and let me talk myself out and we sat in silence again.
After a while he asked me how Aang was. I said he seemed fine, Toph had used some Toph wisdom on him and I had overheard him promise to try and unblock that bloody chakra. Zuko smiled and said that was good then even though he was still confused as to what a chakra actually was. He added this morning, I didn't even know what a chakra was and now I can't stop worrying about them. I made a joke about how Aang's chakras probably felt the same way about Zuko and I got the grumpy face. But then he gave me a little friendly nudge with his elbow.
He said that he hoped it worked and Aang could get the Avatar state back. Because Sozin's comet was so soon and … he trailed off and concentrated on the ocean for a second, before saying softly He's just a kid, you know. I forget how young he is sometimes. Zuko felt bad about losing his temper so completely with Aang and shouting and swearing at him. He said, a little sadly, I was too aggressive with him. Just like everybody else in my family. I told him it wasn't his fault and a lot of what he said had needed to be said. Zuko confessed that he was sick of always having to play bad cop with Aang, always pushing him to train and be responsible and serious. He thinks I'm a jerk and I'm always the bad guy where Aang is concerned, but I just push him so hard because I want him to win and I don't want him to get hurt.
I asked him what Aang had asked Toph. Did Zuko honestly think Aang was ready to face Ozai without the Avatar state? Zuko just said that he really hoped Aang could go into the Avatar state by the time the final battle with Ozai came round, which wasn't really answering the question. I pointed this out. Zuko huffed and said that in all honestly, no, he didn't think Aang would be able to beat his father without the Avatar state. Aang was nowhere near mastering firebending and his dad was a brilliant and ruthless bender without mercy and Zuko didn't want to send him into battle to get slaughtered.
Suddenly there was a tremendous and noisy crash from somewhere near the window sill. Zuko and I jumped to our feet, startled. Aang poked his head out, slightly apologetically and said umm hi trying for a normal, friendly tone of voice. We both sighed in relief and Zuko dropped his flaming fists. Aang climbed out on to the roof with us (with less grace than Zuko, but more grace than me) and scuffed his feet on the tiles a little bit before trying to make small talk. The weirdest small talk ever. Mostly because slanted roofs are not the ideal location for small talk. Aang said things like Hey look at these tiles, talk about red, etc. and Zuko and I both just stared at him for a second before I asked a bit crossly, if Aang was eavesdropping. Call me hypocritical, but I don't like being eavesdropped upon, especially when I'm talking to Zuko. For all Aang knew, we could have been discussing something really private...or maybe doing something really private. Mmmmmhhhhhh.
Focus Katara!
Aang confessed to eavesdropping a little, but said that it was just because he'd come looking for Zuko to apologize for what he said at lunch and he knew how we both felt about forgiveness. He said this a little darkly and gave us a look and for some reason it just made me kind of grumpy. I didn't want to open the whole kettle of F word fish again, but seriously now. It wasn't like me and Zuko were crazily anti-forgiveness, there were just a few people in the world we couldn't forgive. Couldn't Aang see that.
Zuko huffed and sighed and then he said he was sorry too, sorry about shouting and swearing at Aang. And then there was a big old awkward pause before Aang said friends again? hopefully. Zuko nodded and said friends again and Aang said oh good. And we all just stood around awkwardly some more. for goodness sake, this suddenly became the roof of awkward! I declared that I was going to go get a start on dinner (I wasn't really, I just wanted and excuse to get off this roof of awkward) and started towards the window.
The boys followed me and Zuko helped lift me down through the window as I was descending and our hands touched briefly. Quickly and subtly, because I couldn't help myself, I gave his hand a gentle squeeze and he squeezed back and we had a quick conversation with our eyes. Sometimes, with Zuko I don't need words to tell him what I want to say.
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Author's notes and apologies – long and rambly again.
Hello lovely wonderful readers! I hope everyone had a fabulous Christmas and New Years! Firstly I'm really sorry about the length of time between updates! For those of you still with me, who haven't given up on updates! Thank you! I'm still going with this story (my head is still full of ideas for it!) so Don't Panic, I always will update, just sometimes life gets a bit hectic for me. Christmas and New Years have been super busy for me and I just haven't had the time to write. Also I got offered a position volunteering in Nepal (from the 15th jan - 7th feb) so I've had to do a lot to get organised for Nepal and that's been a bit time consuming. Here's a second apology, because I'm going to be away for three weeks between the 15th and the 7th, updates might be a bit spotty there too. I'm not sure what my internet situation will be in Nepal, so I don't know if I'll be able to update until I get back home in Feb. Super sorry lovely readers... but think of the wonderful insights into buddism I'll gain (which might help me better understand Aang, who confuses me sometimes), the children I'll teach, the unusual Yak products I'll consume! It will be an adventure! And it might inspire more wacky shenanigans for this story.
Once again, super sorry for the delay. I'll try post again before I go, but if I don't get a chance, then I shall see you all in Feb! But I know exactly what's going to happen in the next chapter, so hopefully it will be easier to write! I found this chapter was really hard to get right and naturally YMMV on everything.
So in this chapter, Suki is hungover, because at a party with that much free booze, someone had to get a little wankered! Sokka heard a lot of petty bickering between various branches of the Firenation military. In my opinion, the few times we see members of the firenation military interact with eachother, there's always a bit of petty one-up-man-ship going on. Think Zhao and who ever controls the Yu Yuan Archers. I think Ozai would attract and promote people prone to petty bickering and one-up-man-ship. Also calling Zhao Admiral Muttonchops is a nod to the delightful ATLA abridged series. (may we all enjoy this feast of whale testicles, penguin testicles, polar bear testicles and... gazpacho)
but the main point in this chapter is that troublesome lack of the Avatar State. I actually don't know what the hell is going on there. In the final, Aang hits a rock and that rock strikes the exactly right place and then KABLAMO -his Kung fun ninja action jesus powers re-activate. That just seems really random for me. I mean, to me that says that Aang wins by sheer dumb luck alone. Is Aang just the luckiest little bald kid on the planet? I should just stop thinking so much and the deus-ex-lion-turtle, because it really does my head in.
Anyway, I think it is much more empowering for Aang if he tries to unblock his Chakras and access the Avatar state for himself and by himself. Even if Aang doesn't want to kill Ozai, I'd like to think that he would have at least a vague appreciation for how much is at stake here. Eg the entire world. He is the Avatar and while he oscillates between enjoying and resenting this, he consistently feels bad when he thinks about letting the world down etc. I actually think that Aang has very mixed feelings towards being the Avatar that didn't get resolved properly for me in the series, so I want to try and explore them more here. I think Aang both loves and hates being the Avatar for various reasons, but more on that in the coming chapters.
Anyway, all shenanigans aside, Aang really should have been trying to do something to unblock that troublesome chakra, rather than throwing his hands up in defeat and saying gah, it's too hard. It seems like he never really tries to unblock his Chakras without the Guru and to me that just seems a little um..deficient on Aang's part. Guru Pathik says that if he leaves, he wont be able to go into the Avatar state at all, but does Aang ever, you know, test this theory out? Aside from in the crystal catacombs when he promptly gets shot by Azula?
This is probably the crux of my argument. I think Aang's lack of Avatar state-ness is Psychosomatic. Bear with me. He leaves the Guru, even knowing that he wont be able to go into the Avatar state – but he can! He had already left Pathik and then in the crystal catacombs, he is able to meditate (and cosmically let Katara go or whatever was required of him) and get his glow on. So the Guru was wrong there. Do we have any thing else, other that Guru Pathik's word to go on re: why Aang can't go into the avatar state. I can't remember anything else. Because there is no logical reason why either Azula shooting him with lightning or a blocked chakra should stop him from going into the Avatar state, in my opinion.
Anyway I think that Guru Pathik has a good understanding of human nature and he has spent enough time with Aang to get a good idea of his personality. Aang is the sort of kid who is very bright, but very flightly, has a very short attention span and is prone to getting frustrated/giving up when things are very difficult. Getting into the Avatar state, knowingly and willingly, and properly controlling it, would be difficult for Aang. (I could argue that he hasn't even managed that by the end of the series, but that is a rant for another time). Anyway, I think Aang would need someone to hold his hand and gently walk him through the steps of getting into the Avatar state and Guru Pathik is that someone. I think Guru Pathik knows enough to know that without him, Aang would really struggle to do it and probably wouldn't even attempt it and therefore, would not be able to go into the Avatar State at all. I actually think the Guru is trying to, not scare exactly, but persuade Aang to stay and see this Chakra opening through to the end. It is not a physical impossibility for Aang to go into the Avatar state after he has left the Guru, but a mental block.
Side note: I also think this whole Guru thing was to give Aang a "luke-skywalker" style choice too, but YMMV on that. But seriously, Guru Pathik is meant to be Yoda – really old, prone to speaking in wise riddles, eating questionable combinations etc. this comparison is equally interesting to me and a Zutara fan, because that chick that Luke runs off to save – is his sister. Think about that.
Anyway, Aang can go into the Avatar state on his own without the Guru and he does so in the Catacombs, only to be very quickly and catastrophically injured. In the series, We don't really see what I would imagine would be a long and slow recovery process for Aang. Instead he comas it up for a month and then after an ep or two he's good to go. In reality being struck by lightning would be incredibly traumatic and painful and I think Aang was affected by it on a deep level.
For me it seems that the Avatar State, like Katara's spirit water is like a mental parachute for Aang. He thinks these things will always be there when he really needs them. Sort of like in case of emergency- pull this string sort of thing. The crystal catacombs is an emergency and the Avatar state lets Aang down. I think Aang, at least on a subconscious level, knows how valuable and powerful the avatar state is. Even though he might be reluctant to use it (especially as he cant control it properly) he is still willing to glow it up. As soon as things start to go badly in the crystal Catacombs, Aang knows they need the Avatar state of they are to win and he tries to activate the Avatar state himself. And he succeeds! But is almost instantly fatally wounded.
Think about this, Aang knew he was in trouble and pulling his mental parachute, pulled the emergency string and it failed him. Not failed him in that it didn't work, but failed him in that it didn't fix the problem. The Avatar state didn't protect Aang when he needed it too, It didn't win the battle and in the end, didn't stop Azula from shooting him. Aang was at his most powerful, when he should be unbeatable and Azula still beat him and injured him catastrophically. So I think Aang, in his own Aang brain, didn't want to blame himself for him injuries in the catacombs, which he perceives as a failing, and so instead he blames the Avatar State. Also after being injured so badly in the Avatar State, I think Aang would be exceptionally reluctant to use it again. So Aang has convinced himself that he can't go into the Avatar state anymore and he blames it all on this conveniently blocked Chakra.
Note: I also don't think aang is to blame for what happened in the crystal catacombs. Kids tried his best. It's not his fault Azula's a ruthless, devious monkey.
Katara is mostly right in her sketchy diagnosis, it's mostly a confidence/attitude thing that is preventing Aang from accessing the avatar state. Because that blocked Chakra doesn't cut much ice with me. Aang never unblocks the chakra really, in the series, and he can still go into the avatar state. He could go into the avatar state (not deliberately and without any control, but still) before he did all that chakra stuff, and he can go into the Avatar state after he unblocks six Chakras but leaves his seventh (Katara crush) chakra all blocked up. So to me that says that while chakras - and having open ones - might be a shortcut to the avatar state, it might help Aang control it better, they are not the be all and end all of Avatar state-ness.
Another thing that occurred to me is that even if Aang really believes chakras can instantly help him get glowy- what stops Aang from trying to open his chakras himself? Whether it is just trying to open the seventh or starting over again from the very beginning and opening all of them in order all over again? He knows the order to do it in. he knows how to do it – so what stops him?
Anyway, regardless of that, the blocked chakra is a really big mental obstacle for Aang. He sincerely believes that he cannot access the avatar state, and a negative belief that strong works out to the same thing in the end.
When I rewatched last time, it occurred to me that nobody ever tells Zuko Aang can't go into the Avatar state anymore, after he joins the Gaang. I mean I don't remember anyone telling him, did I miss it? Because the Avatar state, or lack of it, will be a very big factor in the outcome of the final battle, this is a very big oversight. Also I think at this point the Gaang all probably think that they will attack/fight Ozai together, they have no inkling of everyone be separated on the comet day. So not telling one member that the group equivalent of a "secret weapon" is faulty is not really fair and I think Zuko deserved to know. So this is how Zuko finds out, in my imagination.
I think Aang has resigned himself to not using the Avatar state (instead of you know, actually trying to use the Avatar state) and is trying to convince himself that he doesn't need it anyway. That's what his I'm doing so well now! aren't I? arent' I? At his respective bending teachers is about. He is looking for reassurance and reinforcement and he lets slip that he can't go into the Avatar state anymore. And there are shenanigans and an argument, mostly between Aang and Zuko. But I think the others would be silently agreeing with Zuko.
Zuko and Aang have very different attitudes to responsibility and this is what drives the argument. Aang looks to compromise on his responsibility as the Avatar with ifs and buts etc, and Zuko is an uncompromising sort of person, especially with regards to responsibility. Zuko takes his responsibilities seriously and is pro-active in fulfilling what he sees as his duty, with very little reward. Aang on the other hand, enjoys the perks of his position and, in theory, he takes his responsibility seriously (in practice is another matter), but he just wants someone else to do the hard/boring stuff for him.
Normally this is okay, but Sozin's comet is serious business people. Until Zuko says it, I don't think Aang really factored in that the others (his friends/family) could die, that more things were at stake than his own wants and needs. (This is what I tell myself. I would really like to think that Aang learned this lesson. It makes me sad that in the final, Aang puts his own spiritual wants and needs ahead of the whole world- but more on that later).
Katara tries to dissolve the argument by being calm and rational and getting Aang to explain the problem in his own words, to give herself a better understanding about how they could help him. Zuko tries to emulate her, but he's not in a calm frame of mind at the moment and I think he would be really galled by the fact that Aang's not even trying to unblock his chakra or whatever. For Zuko, who tries so hard and everything and takes all his responsibilities- Aang's attitude would have been irritating and perplexing.
The fact that Aang has to kill Ozai is brought up for the first time, because I refuse to believe that scene in Sozin's comet is the first time it came up in conversation. And Aang states his pacifist intentions, because otherwise, what a horrible last minute surprise for the Gaang! If Aang felt so very strongly about not killing, that he was willing to let down the entire world, then it should have been made damn clear earlier, not just in the last four episodes! I'd like to think that the gaang had at least a tiny bit of forewarning of this major crisis of Aangness/spirituality heading their way, like an iceberg for the titanic. I think at this stage, they are hoping it is just talk and are more focused on the argument/ lack of Avatar state at hand, but everyone's feelings re: Aang's desire to let Ozai live will be explored in coming chapters.
Then Aang does the verbal equivalent of poking Zuko in the eye with a sharp stick, when he brings up the possibility of forgiving Ozai. Ah remember our old friend the F word. He lives and he makes a reappearance here. I think the way that Zuko and Katara bonded over the F word related shenanigans in the Southern Raiders should be revisited a little. I thought it would be nice having a reversal of Katara's situation there in this chapter. Zuko is a bit furious that Aang could say such a thing (this coming right on the heels of Katara trying to pick at those stitches just the night before). And he explodes a bit of cranky all over everyone and storms out.
I think this reaction is not entirely unexpected for Aang. Aang's not a bad kid, but he's a deflector and a dodger and he's clever enough to know what people's sore spots are. He's not being deliberately horrible, but he is taking a lot of shouting from Zuko and he wants to stop the argument and deflecting the attention from his issues to Zuko's issues is certainly is one way of ending the argument.
I think, with people we know very well (close friends and family etc) we know what will get the biggest reaction out of them. All people have a at least one or two very sore spots and bringing them up in an argument is like throwing a nuclear weapon in there. I think Aang knows Zuko well enough, knows his attitude to forgiveness, knows the fact that he never talks about his dad etc to know that saying maybe you should..like forgive your dad is going to get a big reaction. So he nukes the argument and effectively ends it...
Ooh I think I am making Aang seem more calculating than he actually is. I don't think this was done deliberately - subconciously maybe, but not deliberately. It was said in the heat of the moment because Aang is feeling really attacked at lunch, he is feeling backed into a corner and think he does sincerely believe in the power of forgiveness.
There is a mutual storm off and Toph goes after Aang. I think Toph would also agree with Zuko that Aang has to at least try to access the Avatar State. I think Toph would become more of a confidante of Aang's towards the end of season three than Katara. Aang needs tough love more than he needs gentle encouragement and his crush on Katara would make communication between them awkward.
I think Aang feels comfortable around Toph and is quite honest with her here. He tells her about his (perhaps muted, but still ongoing) crush on Katara and how it is blocking his Chakra and confesses that he is very scared. Toph comforts him in her Toph way but also tells him a few blunt truths. Katara would be furious if she knew that Aang was using his crush on her as an excuse not to use the avatar state – and it is okay for him to be scared.
Aang asks her if she thinks he is ready to fight Ozai without the avatar state, because Aang is really starting to doubt himself and his abilities and I think something has to prompt his decision to wait til after the comet. Aang also over hears Katara ask Zuko this question. The fact that both Zuko and Toph don't think he is ready to fight Ozai will be one of the deciding factors in Aang's decision to wait.
Katara and Zuko have a nice chat, but not really about the F word. I think they both understand how the other feels about this particular subject and somethings they can communicate about without words anyway. And I think just Katara being there, ranting (as she does) and on his side, would be enough for him. But this chapter ended up being less about them and more about the Zuko and Aang relationship. However that doesn't mean their connection isn't there. It's always there, even if it's on the back burner.
Also I think that while Zuko is still a bit pissed off about it, he's had a long time to sulk and has cooled down a fair bit. I think after he calmed down he would start thinking about how Aang is just so very young and naïve, to honestly think forgiveness is the answer to this particular problem. And then he would have thought about sozin's comet and the shitstorm he knows is coming and how unprepared someone like Aang is for something like that and then he would have started to worry about what will happen if Aang can't go into the Avatar state etc. and so by the time Katara finds him, he's feeling guilty about totally losing his temper at Aang (as well as feeling grumpy about what Aang said, grumpy about all this chakra shenanigans etc).
Aang is also feeling guilty about what he said and has come up to find Zuko. He overhears Zuko say that he just doesn't want Aang to get hurt. I said earlier that Zuko takes all his responsibilities seriously and I think his responsibility to Aang is no different. He's older/more mature, he's meant to set a good example, be the bigger person and properly prepare Aang to fight the fatherlord etc. Zuko feels like he's not doing any of this properly today and is feeling a bit frustrated that Aang is always making him out to be the bad guy, when being severe with Aang is just how Zuko shows concern.
So they make friends again, but its still going be a little awkward. Especially because next chapter Aang is going to decide to wait until after the comet and then totally chicken out of telling Zuko, because he predicts (rightly) that Zuko is not going to react well to that news. There will be shenanigans.
Til then lovely readers...