CHAPTER THIRTY-SEVEN

I couldn't believe how long Dawn had been gone. I could feel the crisp bite in the air, the seasons were changing, and fall was almost here. I had been spending more time with Quil lately, and that meant I was also spending more time with Claire. She was getting excited for Halloween, but still not decided on her costume. She wanted to be a princess; she just wasn't sure which one yet. I had tried to convince her to be little red riding hood, telling her that she could make Quil dress as a wolf. I thought it was funny, but after that Quil wouldn't let me suggest any more ideas. Nessie was talking about a Halloween party, but she wanted to include her family and the pack. I wasn't sure how that was going to work, we all got along well enough, but there were a lot of old prejudices on both sides. Nessie wanted to have the party at her grandparents' house; Kim and Rachel who were helping her plan it were trying to talk her into having it here, using the pavilion and having a bonfire. I weighed in when Nessie asked, I thought it was easier for us to blend in at her house than it was for her family to blend in here. That and even with the new alliance and the new treaty in place there were still a lot of 'old timers' that still had a problem with the Cullens. I just wasn't sure if I could go to a party at Dawns. I went there to talk to Carlisle, to get updates on her, to exchange letters via the 'Carlisle mail service', but that was different. Being alone at a party, especially at her house, would just be too much.

She had been gone for so long now; there were periods of time when I wasn't sure she had been real. I would reach into my back pocket, pulling out her ever present photo; run my fingers over it, to remind myself that she was real. If without the picture I would be reminded of her, the ache I felt when I saw couples together, especially Jake and Nessie. Most night I would volunteer for patrol, just to avoid sleep. I would try not to dream of her, waking from them was almost too much, waking up and realizing she was gone. I felt empty, hollow, my arms aching for her. Then I would get a letter, and it was like sunshine in my soul. I would be so happy, so excited, then the cycle would start again.

I saw Carlisle when he came from his latest visit. Emmett and Jasper had come home a day earlier. He must have seen me coming from the woods; he met me in the yard. "Hey Carlisle, how was your trip?"

"It was good, Esme and I visited friends while Jasper and Emmett spent some time with Dawn, I think they all had a good time."

I cocked my head, usually Carlisle wasn't this formal with me, "Is something wrong, did something happen?"

"No, nothing, it was just a long trip back." I saw him quickly glance over his shoulder towards the house.

"Are you sure, is everything ok?" I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong, that he was distracted. "If now is a bad time I could come back."

"No, that's ok."

"Alright, well I guess I'll be back in a few days to pass on a letter if you don't mind." I paused, not wanting to have to ask, as he usually handed it over right away, "Did Dawn send a letter down this trip?"

Carlisle looked up at me, "I'm sorry, no she didn't. She was pretty busy with the guys; I don't think they left her with much time to do much except sleep. I'm sorry, the next time I see her I'll ask." He turned away, walking back to the house.

I shook my head, walking back to the woods. Something wasn't right, I wondered if something had happened to Dawn and they weren't telling me, if something had happened between her and Jasper or Emmett, or if maybe he was just tired, all the going back and forth especially with his wife with her had to be taking it's toll on the guy. I tried to just shake it off, but something was making me feel on edge.

"What's going on at the Cullens?" Jake and Quil looked up from the video game. "Carlisle was acting odd."

"Nothing as far as I know, but I can ask Nessie tomorrow if you want." He turned back to the TV, "Are you sure it's something and not just you being paranoid when it comes to Dawn?"

"No, even if she was too busy with Emmett and Jasper to write to me this week." I slumped into a chair. I wasn't angry that she hadn't written, I mean, the fact that she was able to spend a week with them and be too busy to write was s good thing, I think. I hoped it meant she was feeling better, that she was enjoying herself. But I also felt a stab of pain, if she didn't write did that mean she was too busy to think about me, that she didn't miss me the way I missed her?

"Trouble in paradise?" I knew Quil was teasing, but I couldn't help but wonder if he wasn't right? Maybe Emmett or Jasper had told her something, maybe she had changed her mind, and maybe she decided she needed a break from me. I wasn't sure what to think.

"Nah, I just start to get a little overthink-y when it comes to Dawn. I'm sure if something was going on I'd know about it, if she was angry or anything I'm sure Emmett would be the first to tell me. It's just, when she's so far away, the only communication we have is letters," I took a breath, "I just miss her."

"We know, but if it makes you feel better I'll talk Ness tomorrow, see if she's heard anything. I can even ask Edward, "See if anyone said anything without saying anything." Jacob grinned. "For now just relax, here" he tossed me the controller, "you can take my place, he's killing me. I swear he's cheating."

I took the controller, looking around and noticing empty plates, "What's for lunch?"

"We made chicken, should be some left of the stove if you want." Quil was focused on the game, "But if as soon as you get up you're dead." I debated my stomach versus my pride. My pride won, but just barely.

I left after Quil beat me a few games, just needed the time to myself, wanting to think, I started walking. I replayed my visit to the Cullen's; I knew something was going on, something they were trying to hide from me. I had stalked off from the Cullen house, something wasn't right. Carlisle had met me in the yard, Edward and Jasper on the porch behind him. I could feel them watching, I knew Edward was in my head. Carlisle said he wasn't sure when he was going to see Dawn again, that it might be a while. "Carlisle, whatever it is, whatever is going on, please just tell me." I knew I was pleading, but I couldn't help it.

Carlisle glanced over his shoulder, his words calming me. "There's nothing to tell, nothing I can tell you. When she's ready you'll have to hear it from Dawn, not me."

I nodded glumly, "So there is something, you're just not going to tell me."

"It's not my place, I'm sorry. You have to understand that Dawn may have secrets of her own, secrets that are hers alone to share."

I thought about going home, talking to Jake again, even if he had said Nessie didn't know anything. I didn't, there was no one I wanted to talk to, no one, besides Dawn, that I wanted to be with. I ended up near First Beach, having tried unsuccessfully to run myself tired. I walked over to my familiar spot, the last place I had seen her. I pulled out the picture again, looking at her fading smile, the worn creases. My fingers caressing her face. "Please, just come home. I miss you so much." I looked up, sniffing; I would recognize that scent anywhere, that damp smoldering wood. I shook my head; the guys were really going to think I was loosing it. Not only was I talking to a picture, but I was imagining her scent as well. I flopped down to the ground, watching the waves, wondering if she would ever come back.