Title: Pride and Prejudice

Disclaimers: I do not own anything or anybody related to CSI. Nor the lines I quoted in the story.

Chapter Thirty-seven

Choices are the hinges of destiny. – Pythagoras

In foster care, Sara had often listened to stories from children who had returned to foster care after a year or so that they all had believed themselves heroes in their new parents' lives but they had had to realize that no one could be the protagonist in others' histories, reality had taught them that they could be only side-notes in others' book. Stories had been told over the years in which people had initially found the adopted children cute and funny but after a short time the same children had been condemned as intolerable burden.

Sara had been extremely lucky with her foster parents. The youngest Sidle had had to wait years to be found by these people but she would rather have stayed in the system than been bounced between unloving foster homes. She had been loved from the very first time and soon, the young Sara had forgotten the horror of the sad stories.

It had been long ago when she had felt as abandoned as she was feeling at the moment. All of a sudden, the 32-year-old Sara Sidle started to tremble the way she had shaken that night when the police had torn her away from her mother and brother. Suddenly, she was again a stray child who lost her basis.

After she had heard Grissom telephoning, Sara walked back to the bedroom she had called theirs before and sat down onto it. Everything in that room held good memories of them. The curtain that had seemed to sabotage their intimacy when it could not be pulled together, the carpet that had been too rough for them to make love on it or for Hank to sleep on it so he had jumped into the bed with them. Sara grasped Grissom's pillow and took a smell. The scent was all Grissom.

There was something deep inside Sara that seemed ready to explode right beneath the surface. That was the feel of consuming lack of safety that she feared would be never ending. Sara Sidle was strong and determined at work but an insecure woman at home. She would never back off in the interrogation room but would hide if she felt that she became a burden for Grissom.

Normal people with normal background would stand up for themselves in a relationship. There were wounds in foster children's hearts that simply would not heal. Normal people would call it hysteria but only those could understand the constant need for security who had gone through the ordeal of forlornness.

The woman looked around and only found Herbie sitting right in front of her. The cat was serious and his eyes revealed his worry. Cats were very sensitive to their mates' moods. They could feel when they were happy or sad. But what Herbie sensed the best was the fear Sara was experiencing. The tiny but now well-fed cat mirrored the trembling his girlfriend was performing. His pupils were dilated, his posture showed his insecurity, too. Once or twice he tried to sign Sara that he was in the room and on the edge of a break-down, as well but Sara seemed not to get the message. As his desperate attempt at drawing Sara's attention to him, Herbie started an extended process of grooming. He licked his ears many times which was a clear shout of 'hey, I'm here, too and I'm afraid, just as well'. Herbie even tried to groom Sara but still it was not him who dragged the woman out of her pondering.

"You awake?"

"God!" she screamed a little. "You…why don't you walk instead of fly?" she tried to side-track him so Grissom could not realize that his woman had almost been crying.

"Sorry. Look, I gotta go in for a short time. Are you okay…"

"Did anything happen?"

"Nope. I've got something to do in the Lab. Nothing biggie, don't worry," he wanted to side-track Sara by giving her a loving kiss. He did not want to temp fate by revealing his intention with the vacation. If Ecklie let them both a few days off, they were going to spend a four-day long getaway in a secluded log cabin in the woods with creeks and wildlife.

"Okay. I also need to talk to Greg."

"No! You need some more sleep," he said never realized that what he had said and what Sara had comprehended from it was completely different.

"Alright," she accepted his need for space.

"Alright?" he expected more argument.

"Yes. I…I'm sleepy indeed."

"Great. I'll be back soon. An hour…top."

Something in his heart warned Grissom not to leave but he thought it was just the excitement about the vacation. He could not recall the last time he had planned a holiday…with a woman…with the woman he loved.

At first, Sara wordlessly looked on as her beloved man was leaving the house or as she felt…her.

"Griss! Please, don't leave me!" she shouted after him but the only answer she got was the thud of the closing door.

She could not hold back the irritating tears now. Sobbing, panicked meowing and the sound of Hank's nails hitting the floor could only be heard in the house. The dog limped to the agonized woman and tried to jump up to the bed but his injured leg did not let him. He began to whine and nervously licked his lips indicating that he had hard time to see his mommy cry.

Sara caressed her babies head but neither Herbie nor Hank was convinced that everything was okay. Hank left the room but returned to Sara with a huge bone in his mouth. Hank opened his mouth and let it drop onto the floor then barked at Sara so she could see what a wonderful treat she was about to get.

When the woman realized what these two were actually doing, she started to cry harder but hugged them tightly. Even though Herbie felt insulted by the intimate gesture, he let Sara do that. Hank, on the other hand, was extremely happy that his girlfriend still loved him…and she did not even eat the bone.

"I'll miss you big boy," she kissed him and wiped the tears off her face.

Sara took her bag out from under the bed and was about to pack her stuff in it when Herbie meowed.

"What?"

"Miaow!"

"I know…but…hey!" she said but could not prevent Herbie from sitting in the bag making her pack impossible.

She smiled at the playful cat and put him out of the bag but he climbed back. They played this for a while but then Sara heard Hank whining. Sighing, she gave up the game with Herbie and slowly went to the kitchen to see what Hank's problem was. The dog was at the front door and he acted weird. Hank was panting and jumped up and down in a funny way with his injured leg.

"Hank?"

Sara walked closer to him and just then saw that Hank held his lead in his mouth.

"Oh, no! Do you have to pee? Really?"

Hank seemed to understand her doubt so he presented more excitement. The dog limped to Sara and licked her hands and tried his power of suggestion on the woman. His huge innocent eyes were expressive and Sara fell for his trick.

Even though Sara found it strange that Hank needed to go out again as before Grissom had left, he had taken him out.

"Alright baby. Gimme a minute and I'm ready but you have to be quick!"

She walked back to the bedroom but found the bed empty. She entered the bathroom, applied the eye-drops, took the sunglasses and called for Herbie who answered from the living-room. He formed a ball on Hank's pillow.

"That's it! You and Grissom will get a bell around your necks so I will know where you two are in the house. See you in a few, honey!"

"Miaow."

Sara made Hank sit before snapping on the lead and then they left Grissom's house. She walked close to the wall, and then they inched from tree to tree. Sara's eyes were not completely healed yet so they walked slowly but never stopped. Hank was very sensitive so even though he wanted to run, he simply followed his lady always watching her for direction.

"So? When will you pee?"

But Sara never got the answer as a big red ball with white spots rolled to their feet. Hank jumped on it immediately while Sara shouted at him right away.

"Hank, don't! Let it go, just let it go!"

The dog obeyed instantly and sat down at Sara's feet blinking innocently with his huge eyes. Within seconds, a little girl appeared in front of them.

"Hello doggie…hello ma'am," a fine voice called.

"Um…hello. Is it your ball?"

"Yes. Mom and I are here. We usually come here to play…I mean I play, mom not."

"And where is your mom now?"

"There," the little girl who was about five years old pointed toward a woman who was busy with chatting with her friends.

"Ok, don't make her worry. Here is your ball."

"You have nice doggie! What's its name?"

"Hank…and he's not my…"

"Why do you wear sunglasses? It's all cloudy?"

"My eyes are sensitive."

"So you cried?"

"No. They…why do you think I was crying?"

"Mom wears glasses after she cried and she also says the same."

"Isn't your mom worried about you talking to strangers?"

The little girl shrugged her shoulders then said, "I don't think so. I only talk with those I know."

Sara frowned a little, "What's your name?"

"I'm Elizabeth. You?"

"I'm Sara. You have a very nice name."

"Can I try your sunglasses?"

"Um…sure," Sara answered but she was definitely feeling uneasy. This little girl was cute but Sara did not know what to do with her. She did not know how to talk to her or she should talk to her at all.

"Oh," the girl exclaimed when she noticed Sara's eyes that betrayed her crying. "Why did you lie?"

"Lie?"

"You cried. Crying is not a shame…mom said it is okay to cry when you're sad."

"Do you cry?"

"Sometimes. In kindergarten…"

"Why?"

"Can I pet Hank?"

"Um…I don't know. He's not used to kids…I think."

The lip-line of Elizabeth dropped but as Hank wagged his tail, the girl's smile reappeared, "He would love it."

"Careful, okay?"

"Okay," she laughed.

"So in the kindergarten?"

When the girl looked at Sara, it was evident that the young child forgot about what she had said a minute ago. But Sara got worried about her crying there.

"Why do you cry in the kindergarten?"

"Ah…I hate my dress fooded."

"Fooded? You mess you dress with food?"

"No. It's Johnsy."

"Who is Johnsy?"

"He's a boy. He throws foot…um…food at me…and sometimes he no miss it."

"Oh, it's not nice of him."

After shrugging her shoulders again, she asked, "Why did you cry?"

"Because I'm sad."

"Why are you sad?"

"Someone messed my dress, too," Sara told the young child not wanting to tell her the truth.

"Then don't be sad, he loves you. Johnsy loves me, too."

Laughing slightly, Sara looked at the girl, "But he made you sad. Messed your clothes."

"But I know," she whispered as if she shared a secret with Sara. "You don't know that?…what's your boy name?"

"Grissom."

"Glissom must love you…if he spread foot…food on your dress. Didn't you know that?"

"I see. So Johnsy loves you because he made you cry? How do you know that?"

"I asked him. And he said he loved me…now I let him food my dress and I'm not crying."

Sara suddenly turned serious. 'I asked him.' As simply as that? Here was this 5-year-old child and she was wiser than a 32-year-old adult. 'I asked him'.

Sara had so many questions but she had no answers.

Why do you want to leave me?

Why don't you tell me you felt suffocated?

Why do you want to go away?

Where do you wanna go?

Why don't you want me there?

What have I done?

Do you still love me?

Did you regret to let me into your life?

Is my package too much to you?

'I asked him.'

Sara was taken aback by this child's openness and virtue. She had had questions; she had not understood things so she had chosen the easiest and at the same time the hardest way to set her own mind at rest: she had confronted the boy, she had asked him.

If a child could do that, how in the hell an adult had been unable to open her mouth, mind and soul and ask straightforward Grissom. Maybe, just maybe she would know the answers.

"Sara? Will you cry now?"

"No…um…yes but now I'm happy. Thank you, Lizzy. You're a very clever little girl."

"Johnsy says I'm stupid but he says every girl is stupid."

"No! You're the smartest young lady in the world."

"Thank you," she giggled and continue, "Are you clever, too?"

"Thanks to you, I try."

"Will you two come tomorrow?"

"I'd love to. You?"

"We are here every afternoon. Mom says that the fresh air is good for me."

"You have a very wise mom, Lizzy."

"You should come more often. You need sunshine, too. You're too white."

"Oh. Then I'll come tomorrow, too."

"I'm so sorry, Miss. Elizabeth can be tiring…she loves talking. Hope she wasn't too pushy or…"

"No. She opened my eyes…in every possible way."

"Then, it's okay. Have a nice day, Miss."

"You, too."

"Bye Lizzy!"

The little girl ran back from her mother to Sara and whispered something into her ears, "Ask him! Just ask him!"

For several minutes, Sara and Hank were just sitting on the bench. She was looking in the direction where Lizzy had left; Hank was watching Sara for direction. The dog sensed that his friend's mood improved and he became excited again. If Sara were honest, she seemed to witness hope in his eyes.

"So? Did you pee?"

A happy bark was his reaction. As a mutual decision, they headed back home. Sara's pulse throbbed in her ears. She had never wished more to be home than she desired it now.

Sara learned a very difficult lesson this afternoon. Aloneness and loneliness should not walk hand in hand. When somebody could not accept herself, it was because she had not liked the person in the mirror and therefore she had built a thick wall around her soul and heart. There was not a rule that a lonely person should get old alone because a precious one could come along and pull down the walls. But those who believed that they simply did not deserve to be happy or was too afraid of loving someone and being loved back, well, they were going to be left in aloneness forever. And Sara was not about to let it happen. She would not give upon her love…she was going to fight for Grissom.

The basis of a happy and harmonious life was communication. And communication could not tolerate guesses or assumptions; it had to be sequences of questions and answers.

And Sara learned it from a child. She did not know if she should cry or laugh but one thing she was 100% sure of: she willed to try asking questions and getting answers no matter what they were.

Somehow, the journey back home lasted less time. Both dog and owner were panting when they entered the house.

Sara kicked off her shoes and headed for the bathroom when she noticed Grissom sitting on the bed in the bedroom. He was holding the bag she had left there.

"Are you coming somewhere?"

"How long have you been home?"

"Just arrived."

"I walked Hank…"

"I see," and he was about to leave the room.

"Griss!"

He stopped but did not turn back, "I thought you liked here."

"I do but we need to talk."

"Then if you liked living here…being with me here…then why do you want to leave?"

"I believed…after your call this afternoon…that you would like to go away…I heard you say that this situation gets too much for you and I thought…"

He turned back instantly, "Wait…wait. You misunderstood it!"

"Please, let me finish, okay. It's not easy for me…"

"Okay but you have to know that you misheard my…"

"So…I know you might find it boring but after you said you wanted to get away…I was thinking…"

"Sara, don't get me wrong but sometimes women are simply stupid…"

Johnsy says I'm stupid but he says every girl is stupid. And I know Johnsy loves me.

When Sara laughed at that, Grissom did not know what to make of it. He expected Sara to get mad at him but she seemed cheerful.

"See? I'm stupid…sometimes…at home…not at work."

Grissom did not miss the phrase 'at home'. It must be a good sign, he thought. Sara thought this house as her home. Good.

"So as I was thinking…like a stupid," she laughed again but her laughter lost some of its humor, "sometimes I find my lack of normal background, lack of confidence, lack of decent circumstances…so I'm convinced that me and my life are just too much pressure to take. Even for me so it's no wonder if you found it way too much for you, too and wanted to escape."

"But…"

"Yes, I wanted to make it easier for you, so I thought I was going to pack and…but then Herbie acted weird, Hank wanted to pee…so I took him for a walk and then I met a little girl in the park."

"Let me guess…Elizabeth?"

"Yeah. Do you know her?"

"She throws her ball to my head all the time and then she wants to pet Hank."

.

"Isn't your mom worried about you talking to strangers?"

"I don't think so. I only talk with those I know."

.

Ah, so that's why Hank wagged his tail and let the child pet him. They know each other, Sara thought.

"She's cute."

"She's too nosy," Grissom smiled.

.

Ask him! Just ask him!

.

Sara listened to Grissom with her mouth open. Even the girl had realized that she had had to ask and had had to listen to him if she wanted answers. How could a child be this intuitive? Probably because she was just a child without much experience of rude life. Kids did not guess or ponder on things, they simply ask. What a simply and clever solution to a very simple problem. Adults forgot about how to live life simply.

"No, she's wiser than we all would think. Anyway, she said something that gave me back hopes."

"What did she say?"

"She said that I simply should ask..."

Grissom knew that it meant more to Sara so he stayed quiet and listened to his love.

"Until recently, I've thought if I want to protect myself, I need my walls to close in. But now I know if I want to find myself, I need to let my walls around me fall down so you can see the real me…like it or not, at least you can decide and I'll have my answers."

"You know that I love you so why…"

"We always guessed on what the other might think….why the other did something but we would have just to ask!"

"And now, do you want to ask something?"

"Yes. Even though I'm extremely nervous…this is a new experience for me…so..um…"

"Just ask, Sara!"

"Do you want to leave Las Vegas?"

"Yes."

Mixed feelings were playing on Sara's face. She had known this but hearing him saying it out loud was not easy.

"Do you want to…um…leave me?"

"Sara! I said just minutes ago that I love you. Why the hell would I want to leave you?"

"I…"

"Why the hell would I give upon something that is so good?"

"Humans do that…"

"But according to Warrick, I'm not human," he laughed, "I'm Grissom. Sara, I've never been this happy before. You made me compete. You! With your screwed up background."

"Oh."

"And yes, I'll have four days off in two days…but I'm not going alone. Only with you."

TBC