I have returned
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Meg Giry was a genius. And insane.
Good thing they all were a little insane.
They began working on the plan. Erik was teaching them every moment he was awake. Christine practically had to knock him out to get him to sleep. Her and Meg were working as hard as they could to prepare for the 'performance' as they called it. Erik would instruct them in ventriquilism and the art of throwing their voices via writing. Even while ill he was, as usual, a brilliant teacher.
And while the plan was going well, Erik did not really approve of it. He made this quite clear.
"Erik, we HAVE to. It HAS to be ME."
He scribbled furriously 'NO. Christine, I can NOT lose you! I know you want to be the one, but being the one, takes you away from me!'
"Erik it's more than that. Asal has to stay with her son, Darius has to take on Nadir, and Meg will be helping him, and that leaves me or Madam Giry. And no offence Madam, but for this job I have a bit of a better chance than her. And she will do better than I at holding you down, because I know your temper will conquer you. And Erik. you know. I HAVE to do this." She looked deep into his glowing, fuming, yellow eyes, and gave him the most determined stair she could. She knew if he could he would be in a storming rage, but after a minute of tense silence he caved. But grumbled about it every chance he got.
It was two days before their plan. Christine could not sleep from nerves. So many things could go wrong, and there still was a small chance of success due to the fact it would come down to HER. She turned in bed again, then sighed. Then there was finding out more, and ever crushing guilt, that once again, she was her own downfall...
She gave up on sleep and slowly slipped out of bed. She crept silently into the livingroom, surprised to see fire in the fireplace and Darius bent forward, cigar in mouth, elbows resting on knees. "Can't sleep?" She asked.
He looked at her, taking a puff, nodding. She sat next to him, leaning back. "Want one? You look like you need a good smoke"
He held out his cigar box but she shook her head. "Erik says it damages voices, and I honestly think he would get up and wring my neck if I even considered doing something to hurt my voice." She said with a small smile. Then she sighed, thinking about voices, damaged voices, just added to her mental load. So much guilt seem to wrap around her, and yet she could not show she was suffering because that would make everyone worry, and add to that monster of guilt, and pain.
He studied her for a moment. "You are going through more than you are letting on, I can tell."
She looked away and whispered "How can you tell?"
"Nadir. He has that same look in his eye around children and other things of his past. That is part of the reason Asal couldn't stay with us long term, because I know it would hurt Nadir…"
"You care a lot about him, don't you?" She said, her eyebrow raised
He nodded and mumbled "More than you know"
She was surprised at this, but knew Darius would not confirm her new suspicions, although even if her guess was correct she did not care. If loving Erik had taught her one thing, it was not to judge.
She sighed and stared into the dancing flames. Things had been so much easier then, when she was just Eriks student and she never was reunited with Raoul. She and Erik both often wondered what life would have been like, if Raoul had never went to the Opera. They often dreamt that Erik would have sat her down gently eventually, and explained his life, his face and mask to her, without the high tempers inspired by the victome. She knew she would have fallen in love with him inevidably, only they would never have to share such a dark history, and Erik would be at peace right now, healthy. Maybe they would be planning their wedding, or already married, not a fear in the world, Christine always there for Erik, to frighten the ghost of so many years ago, he always there, giving her wings to soar high at the Opera, letting her spirit shine brightly through…
She shook her head. Those were just now unattainable fantasies. Now they were forever marred, by her mistakes. That is what caused this, her mistakes with Raoul.
Darius thought long and hard and finally said, breaking the silence. "You know, Erik has a lot on his mind, and always has, have you asked him how to handle that?"
She nodded "He said he usually composed or played, and thought of me to get by…"
"Well then, why don't you sing? You are after all, the best Opera singer to ever take the stage, trained as you are by Erik."
"Sing? In a time like this?" She said in surprise.
"Yeah, just, sing what's on your mind. They are asleep with medication, so long as you don't shatter glass I think the others wont mind."
She thought for a moment. She hadn't tried it, and was desperate for some kind of release, selfish as it was, and with things so tense and the deadline so near maybe it would be good to take a mental break. "I'll try it."
"You want me to go?" He asked.
"No" She smiled with a bit more energy. "I always like some kind of audience."
He smirked at the bit of life showing in her as of late dead voice. She looked at the wall.
Sing my thoughts? Admittedly the idea was a bit awkward to do, but she wanted to try. Sing my thoughts…
'My thoughts,
My thoughts..
Thoughts of guilt rage on…
How I wish, they could be gone at dawn…
A simple switch, and my sins, wiped away
Betray, thats what I did, That's my sin, I betrayed…. The one I loved.
The one I wished were gone
The wish that seems to be granted, as I am a flame, and all are drawn
I bath them in the heat of destruction.
It seems to be my only function.
My thoughts
My thoughts
They are the danger.
All they have caused is pain.
One moment of the amber flame
One choice, one thought
And now a war is to be fought
And what for? My mistakes, my swaying heart?
Why must my thoughts be this way?
So easy and trusting?
So devilish in easy loathing.
My thoughts
My thoughts
Has turned a man into a monster… Has made an angel lose his voice, his very wings of god…
How I wish I could fly away, turn back the clock to that fateful day.
Turn my head the other way, and never met him
Never have my thoughts burn them
Burn them all.
My thoughts.
My Thhouuughhtss…
She finished singing, her eyes shut and arms outstretched facing the fire. Darius thought it was one of the most beautiful performances she had ever given and it took him a minute to think of what to say. She felt for a brief shining moment in her mind that she was just performing, the feel of the light on her, the sound of echoing applause. Then it was gone, and her dark world returned. But she did feel lighter than she had of late.
"That was beautiful" said not Darius but Meg who had forgotten her purse there from the days practice. Christine blushed and Meg ran up to her and hugged her. She whispered "You know, it's not your fault." Christine answered aloud "Meg, it is entirely my fault."
That is when Darius cut in "Meg, Christine, sit please." he gestured to the living room furniture. They followed his request.
He turned a sharp eye on Christine. "Christine. Why do you feel so guilty?"
She blushed and whispered "Because it was my choice of loving Raoul that caused this, it was be attacking him that turned him into a monster…"
"Christine, neither of those are your fault. Firstly attacking is not the right word, defending yourself are the right words. You had no idea why he was doing it and what he did was not love, but hate. I don't care what excuses he gave in that note. Never blame yourself for that night. That night he showed you something that leads me to my second point. Christine, he never really loved you. Rather he loved the idea of possessing you, like a trophy. He may not of even realized that is why he cared for you but I did the moment I heard about the situation.
But I do not think he ever saw you as his equal or higher. That is where he and Eriks love are different. Erik views you as a goddess. His angel. Raoul veiws you as a prize to be won. Notice how in all of your vulnerable moments he never really asked what you wanted, or how you felt about Erik? No, everytime you even mentioend Erik he never gave you a chance to veiw him as anything but a monster. He never listened to you. He wanted to cage you after your marriage I know. I highly doubted he would even listen to the idea of you remaining as an opera singer with that title.
Erik was different. When he wasn't having a breakdown from stress and memories he always let you choose, encouraged your dreams and passions, let you speak your mind if you wanted. Sure when he was scared of losing you he would sway you, but even then he let you choose. Even after driving him mad, taking off his mask, which you know is extremely traumatic for him, after all the love of his life was touching something that had completely destroyed his life many times. And when he first forbade you from leaving, he eventually calmed enough for you to leave. Even after Don Juan once he got some scrap of love he was able to snap back to himself long enough to give you a choice. The mere idea you kissed him was enough to make him be happy, truly happy, for one moment in his life. I do not think you realize how rare those moments are to him. And so he gave you a choice to go with another man who made you happy so he thought, because he loved you and wanted you happy. Even when that man kept attacking your friendship. And even more dramatically, that man was trying to kill him on top of it all.
But Raoul is different. He could never value you like that. He never gave you choices. Even if you went willingly, like when you went to Erik in the graveyard, he would attack it and swoop you away. What he loved was the idea of being a hero, and as he saw Erik as a monster he saw a way to earn that title. When his father suggested this… Vile plan, Erik would have killed him, or kept you safe, he would have found a way. That is what people who are in love do, they find a way.
And Raoul who really loved himself more than anything found a way to keep himself and his title of hero safe, or so he thought. The moment you destroyed his face, you destroyed him. Because he lost his beloved title of handsome and hero at once. He showed he really loved those words, those ideas, more than a person, one he had claimed to want to marry. So Raoul never really showed you love, not true love anyways, not like Erik.
The reason I am saying this is because you should not feel guilty. Raoul never really gave you a choice in the first place. He never even let you choose between you and Erik. He was always tainting and halting your relationship. And you were vulnerable in all of this, and he prayed on that. He made you more helpless than you were. It is not your fault, but his."
She took a minute to absorb all of this. She was glad meg was next to her, she felt better having her best friend there. Slowly she said "I think you are right, logically yes, it isn't. But Emotionally, I think it will be a while for the guilt to fade, especially when I have to see the one I love pay for all of this everyday. Darius, I agree, but I am still haunted. Everytime I look into his eyes, I see his restless soul behind them. He wishes so bad to be moving… S-singing… God I know, I know it is Raoul's fault, but I can't help the guilt in my chest every time I think about how Erik might never sing again because of it. God… It might have destroyed one of the worlds greatest gifts without the world knowing…"
Christine paused as she noticed meg smirking. "What?"
"You started to say it instead of me." Meg chimmed. This was progress Meg was sure. Christine was taken aback. Meg was right. "You know Christine, maybe there is some hope that this guilt will vanish after all… and if there is hope for that, well, I then I have hope we will actually win."
Christine's heart seem to twitch with that word, hope. Maybe so…
After a few more words Meg returned to the Opera house and Christine felt tired enough to go to bed.
When she walked in Erik was asleep, but a note laid in her spot.
As it is me you feel guilty about mainly, I thought you should know, they are right. You really shouldn't be. If you want to blame it on something blame it on me trying to be hospitable for once and attempting to make the spoiled tea. Also you should sing your thoughts more often. I rarely can get that much passion out of you when we practice. Hell the only gripe I had as your teacher was that I couldn't hear your vibrato as well through the wall, which I know if you were singing on stage you would have done it loud enough to where I could have heard.
Also more importantly, you sounded much more relaxed after the singing and talk with them than you have been in weeks. And while I can not deny my own fear… That.. That Erik will never sing again, and I am more of a pessimist that Meg Giry, but despite this I will have you know that I have performed that Nadir might have mentioned to fix my voice after all of this, and while it is incredibly difficult, it IS possible.
I myself have performed it on five patients. One of them going on to be a singer himself actually, and he was actually much better after the operation. And while I am not really in FAVOUR of surgery, and would love to wait as long as possible to see if my voice will return, I am saying there is… h-hope, it will. And even if something happens, if Darius or Nadir or who ever hand slips and severs my chords forever, I will still be a happier man than any other. Because I have you. So please, for me, do not be guilty. Regardless of how you got here, you are still here, by my side, and that is all I ever wanted. That is my happiness.
-Love, Erik
P.S. If one does have to do surgery, and they do slip… I will not be the only one in pain.
She smirked at the last line. That was a side of Erik she had not seen in a long time. It was that side that pranked the opera staff constantly and, after she found out the culprit was just a thin lanky man with a strange face and a stranger imagination, she found his pranks much more amusing. Maybe they were right. Regardless, even the chance of them all being right gave her enough peace of mind to continue their work, and enough peace, to finally fall asleep.
Erik wrapped his arm tighter around Christine. His eyes staring at the ceiling. 'His happiness…' and what he hadn't said kept going through his mind. 'His happiness, that will probably be taken away…
By a monster.'
He shuddered. Ever since Christine had decided to take her role in the plan that one thought kept running through his head, turning his stomach. He looked at her, his angel, so beautiful even in the near dark. He could see her only because he was so used to the dark. Her curled hair sprawled around her, youthful cheeks, soft lips that would say such beautiful things to him…
'Taken away…'
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Things are getting close and everyone can feel it. Also I want to say this is mixed some with musical logic so in very big moments I do plan to have some singing. Sometimes justified sometimes not. When some people can return more music will follow (you'll see what I mean)