Okay guys this is a total sappy short little chapter to go between the last one and I'm gonna do heart next. I was gonna put heart in on this one, but I got this much of it done, and I'm gonna be busy for a few days so I thought I'd post this and then do heart next, that way you guys aren't left hanging out to dry. ITS SUPER SAPPY. I apologize in advance. I'm fixing to hit my 'emotional' time of the month, Lol. Guess sometimes you write for the mood you're in. Don't judge! You women know how it is. Anyways… next chapter is back to the story line, getting us closer to the end of season two- which will be BIG. As will the beginning of season 3. Please read and review! We are 1 review away from 100! I'm so humbled and thrilled about that. Thank you to each and every one of you who take time out to read about Emily and follow her story. I love you guys!
Disclaimer: I own nothing but Emily.
I can feel it… the heaviness in the air… slow steady breathing and a few light snores float amongst it. I could only sleep for maybe an hour or two, then I woke up, and I remembered. Everything.
The tension that filled the room from the day's events still lingered, even though everyone but me was still sleeping. The ache in the pit of my stomach still pulls at me… telling me I've lost him. The guilt reminding me just how much Dean can't stand to look at me. The pity from Jo and Sam.
If I move I'll wake up Sam… so I don't. I just lay there and soak in what's become my life in the last 24 hours. How amazing it was, and how only moments later it was all ripped away from me. I'd be lying if I said this was the first time that's ever happened. Cause its not. Its just the repeating pattern… things are shitty. Things get better, things are great… then they fall apart.
I laid there till the faint light of the sun began to come through the blinds, then I figured it was safe to move. I gingerly climbed out of bed, Sam stirred, but didn't wake up. I grabbed a spare blanket off the couch and walked out the front door, silently opening and shutting it so that I didn't wake anyone else either, Dean in particular.
There was a small bench against the brick wall of the motel next to our door. I sat in it and wrapped the blanket around me, the cold air bit at me, but it felt good. It felt nice to not feel suffocated. My eyes wandered until they fell on the empty parking spot that held a large muddy truck only hours ago.
I felt sickness roll through me remembering how I stood beside it and sent away the one person who's arms I wanted to fall into right now. Then my eyes trailed to the day old blood that stained the concrete, a completely different sickness washed over that reminded me why I did so. As hard and as miserable as this is for me… for him. It's the only thing I can do to keep him safe.
I leaned down my head and wrapped my knees against my chest, letting the tears fall again. Hoping that no one will walk by and see. Everything in my body wanted to go to Luke. Knowing he was only ten minutes away, it was torture. Its why we left so fast the first time. Because I know I can't deny myself for long. Every bone in my body ached for his touch, to have him hold me, kiss me, I wanted to breathe him in just one more time.
The sound of the door next to me opening hastily caught my attention, I jumped and turned my head to meet eyes with Dean. He must've woken up and realized I wasn't in the room. He stopped and visibly relaxed when he looked at me. But he didn't say anything. I could tell he was assessing me. Looking me up and down, taking in my current emotional and physical state. He stopped and looked back at my face, stood there for a minute- in silence, and then walked back in shutting the door.
"Ouch." I muttered letting my eyes fall to the ground. Feeling the sting of guilt and rejection. He won't even speak to me, this is the first time he's looked at me since he screamed at me. It was obvious he was still extremely angry at me. I sat outside until I watched him come out the door a second time, this time completely ignoring me as he walked to the impala and pulled out of the parking lot. I sighed deeply and figured it was probably time to go inside.
When I walked in Jo was in the shower and Sam was sitting at the table. He looked up to me confused.
"Hey kiddo where you been?" He asked as I sat down next to him.
"I couldn't sleep, so I waited till it was light out and then went to get some fresh air, I didn't leave. I just. Sat on the bench outside. I promise."
"Em, why didn't you wake me…"
"Because you were sleeping. I know they say misery loves company Sam, but I couldn't bear to wake you up."
"Emily you don't have to go through this alone. I know when Jess died I pushed you and Dean away, and I'm sorry for that. I know Luke isn't dead, but I know you feel like you've lost someone important to you. And on top of all that you had a pretty traumatic day yesterday. I mean you must feel like crap right now." I do actually… physically I feel like someone used a steel scrubber to scrub out my entire chest. Its sore and raw from my throat to the bottom of my lungs. My body is sore, my face is bruised and my lip is busted. Yeah. I feel pretty crappy. But this kind of pain I'm used to. This kind of pain I can handle… the pain I feel inside trumps the pain everywhere else.
"I'm fine." I mumbled looking down at my hands. "Did he say anything this morning?" I asked hesitantly.
"No.. he didn't. I assume he ran out for coffee or breakfast or something. He'll probably be back soon."
"Sam… is it a bad idea to see him one more time?" I asked feeling tears build again. "I just… I feel like I NEED to see him again."
He sighed and looked at me sadly.
"Em, seeing him again is up to you… but it won't make this any easier if that's what you're asking. Goodbyes hurt kiddo. You'd just be prolonging the process."
"I just want to go see him." I cried. Sam pulled me against him for a minute before I heard the bathroom door open, then moments later the front door.
"Alright. Pack up, we're leaving in an hour." Dean announced setting down the coffee, no water bottle this time, and walking into the bathroom.
"Well. I guess it doesn't matter what I want." I mumbled getting up and packing my stuff. I was sure to situate myself in the backseat. I expected Jo to climb back there with me, but to my surprise it was Sam, leaving Jo to sit up front with Dean. I looked at him curiously, he gave a small smile and put his arm over me. Conveying his message about me not being alone in all this… I was thankful for him.
I stared out the window… watching the scenery go by. This town was small, but nice. Comfortable. I watched as the school came into my vision, my heart nearly stopped when I watched that same large muddy truck come into my vision, and then it twisted in pain as I watched a tall boy with shaggy hair and a football jersey walk away from it, he briefly turned, recognizing the sound of the impala's engine. Our eyes caught for not even a fraction of a second. But enough for me to know it happened.
But the tires kept spinning, and just like that he was truly behind me now. I glanced up and found eyes watching me from the rear view mirror, when they met mine they quickly looked away.
How long is he going to keep this up…
The ride to the roadhouse was laid back, I didn't say much of anything, Jo and Dean joked in the front seat. Sam would butt in every now and then, but he never forced me to join. Knowing that right now I just wanted to be left alone. I caught Dean peeking back at me a few times, but he always looked away when I tried to meet eyes with him.
When we got back Jo stepped out of the car, Dean and Sam made no move to follow, so neither did I.
"Em, wanna help me get the bags real fast?" Jo asked.
"Yeah sure." I said climbing out and carrying one of her two bags into the small house behind the bar.
(Sam's POV)
"Well Dean are you proud of yourself?" I asked once Em and Jo were a ways from the car.
"Excuse me?"
"Congratulations man… you've officially become the biggest asshole on the planet."
"Oh fuck you." He mumbled fiddling with his radio.
"Dean she is devastated! She didn't sleep last night, she just laid there because she was afraid to wake you up. Afraid to piss you off again, she's tip toed around you all damn day. I know you're trying to recover from yesterday too, okay I get it. You almost lost her, I almost lost her. So I know you keep replaying it over and over in your head and asking yourself what if we hadn't found her, what if we didn't get to her in time, what if she didn't come back. You see it in your head over and over again! But you can't keep treating her like this."
"Oh yeah and how would you know any of that."
"Because I've been doing the same damn thing Dean! Why do you think I've stayed at her side this entire time. I almost lost her! I'm not letting her go now that I've got her back, and neither should you. Dean she is so hurt already, and you know it. Yet you keep making her feel like complete shit. Its gotta stop."
"Sam why don't you mind your own damn business. Whats between me and her is my business not yours! I'll handle it when I'm damn good and ready. I already told you once to lay off, and I meant it." He growled back at me.
"Dammit Dean… you have got to be the most stubborn person I've ever seen. I get your still pissed, okay? I do. We haven't gotten the chance to sit down and discuss this with her the way either of us would like to, but right now. We need to be there for her, the rest can wait. I'm just thankful I still have her… and I know that's only because of you. And I will always owe you for that. I gave up. But you never did."
"Sam just stop okay?! I'm done with this conversation."
"Why because its scares you?" I accused.
"Oh come on.. really?"
"Yeah Dean, Really… it scares you to think about it. It turns your bones into jello to think about how close it was, and its all of that fear you keep turning into anger, anger that you're taking out on her. Face it, own up to it, and get over it."
"Shut up, Sam." He said not meeting my eyes, confirming every word I just said. Everything in me wanted to keep going, but I could hear Emily making her way towards us.
(Emily's POV)
"Hey. I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am… I feel like maybe if I did something differently things wouldn't have gone down the way they did."
"Jo! No. You didn't do anything wrong… if anything I'm sorry I dragged you into all this. I could've gotten you killed. I'm sorry Jo. I really am."
"Hey, don't be. I got to share a bed with your brother." She said with a large grin.
"Ew. Jo." I chuckled.
"Yeah, yeah, I get it… for real though. If you need me. You know where to find me."
"Thanks Jo."
"No problem, and hey. Dean will get over this. It was just really bad Em. I thought you were a goner. Everyone but Dean stopped… but he refused to. He saved you. He loves you Em. That's why he's so angry."
"I know… thanks again Jo. See ya around."
"Later Winchester. Tell your brother to call me." She said with a wink.
I walked back to the impala and found Sam and Dean yelling at each other. I couldn't make out the conversation, but I imagine it was about me since it stopped when I got within hearing range. Sam watched me walk to the car and rolled down the back window.
"Hey kiddo I'm gonna lay down and crash for a few hours, do you mind sitting up front?" He asked hesitantly.
"Yeah sure." I mumbled and half smiled, but inside everything in me tensed. He was doing this on purpose. I could tell from Dean's annoyed face he also knew, but I silently climbed in and shut the door anyways.
Dean turned on the radio and drove down the road, driving for another 2 hours without as much as a word out of either or our mouths, Sam asleep in the back seat. I always felt safe and at home in this car… it was always comfortable. But right now I can't stop twitching, playing with my hands, repositioning in the seat. The tension that filled the seat between my brother and I was thicker than smoke.
When I finally felt like I could explode I turned to him.
"Dean can we please talk."
"No." He said not skipping a beat.
"Dean please… I-"
"I said no!" He turned and yelled at me.
"Well than can we at least stop soon… cause I can't sit in this car much longer." I mumbled, feeling angry, guilty, and most of all rejected.
Dean didn't reply but 30 minutes later we were pulling into a motel. I quickly got out of the car, grabbing my things as Dean went to get the room keys. Sam was stirring awake in the backseat.
"Hey, where are we."
"I don't know." I answered shortly.
"Em you okay?" He asked getting out of the car and coming to stand next to me.
"No! Why would you do that…" I snapped pulling away when he tried to comfort me.
"Do what?" He asked innocently.
"He doesn't want to talk to me Sam! He hates me right now! And I don't blame him, okay?!"
"Emily, I just wanted him to-"
"Stop, okay just stop! I swear Sam… I'm starting to wonder if you would two should have just let me drown." I said grabbing the bag and stomping off, going towards the open room that Dean just walked into.
"Emily don't." I heard Sam call after me, but I ignored him, walking into the room and dropping my bags on a bed before going into the bathroom and slamming the door shut. I sank down to the floor, and stayed there. I didn't want to face either of them. I didn't want to be around people, I wanted to be with Luke. Even though I knew I shouldn't…I stood up and I pulled out my phone.
I dialed the all too familiar numbers and held it to my ear waiting for the ring. But instead there was a long pause, and an unfamiliar voice telling me the number had been disconnected. I stopped and hung up, redialing the number. Sure that I must have misdialed it the first time. But again… and again. Instead of ringing it beeped and that same voice filled my ears.
He changed his number…
There's always one straw that breaks the camel's back… well this was it. I know he probably did it in the best interest of us both. Knowing that we would struggle to not contact one another. I know he didn't do it to be spiteful… but he still did it, and quickly. Every piece of me that fought to stay standing gave way, deciding it didn't want to fight. I didn't want to fight it anymore. I wanted to be as miserable as I fought not to feel. I wanted to lay there and soak up how much I hated everything about this. How hurt I was… I wanted Luke. I wanted to get in the car and drive for hours to find him again.
But instead I crumpled and sobbed into the dirty floor. Sam knocked on the door repeatedly… begging for me to open it. But I didn't. I couldn't. I couldn't muster the motivation to move. All I could do was think of the way his hands felt on my body, and the fact that I'll never feel them again. Dean never knocked on the door once. Its hard enough to get past losing Luke, trying to process almost dying on top of it… but Dean. I can't handle having him angry at me anymore. I can't handle him ignoring me anymore. Not now when I really and truly need him.
The anger replaced the pain and I pulled myself off the floor and straightened my shirt before ripping open the bathroom door, Sam was sitting against it fell backwards, and I stepped over him and walked up to the man drinking a beer at the table, who was reading the newspaper. I walked over and smacked the beer out of his hand.
"Get up!" I yelled, my face still wet from the tears. He looked straight ahead and didn't move. Didn't blink. His face never wavered. He just stared at nothing, letting the paper fall back onto the table and the beer soak the floor.
"I said get up and look at me!" I yelled at him. He stood up and watched me, I watched the anger return to his face as he towered over me. But instead of talking he shook his head at me and turned around to walk away.
"Hey!" I said grabbing his arm. "I'm still here! YOU are the one who saved me! YOU Dean! But quite frankly I don't know why you did it if you can't even stand to fucking look at me!"
"Excuse you?!" He finally asked, his anger increasing.
"You heard me! You can't save me, and then ignore me for the rest of my life! So lets just get this shit over with! Cause I can't take it anymore!"
"Oh, I'm so sorry your feelings are hurt, poor little princess broke up with prince charming! Huh? Is that what you're so upset about?" He asked mockingly.
"Dean.." Sam warned.
"No Sam, you wanted this conversation to happen well guess what its happening!" He said glaring at Sam, telling him to stay out of it.
"I mean what the hell were you thinking?! Huh? Tell me!" He screamed finally talking to me. "You knew your hands were tied, you knew that dock was too narrow! You practically jumped in the fucking lake Emily! I mean come on, I know you like the kid and all but what the fuck went through your head?!"
"I couldn't let them kill him Dean! I couldn't let him die because of me! Dean I love him…" I yelled feeling the tears come back.
"Yeah and I couldn't let you die!" He yelled fiercely. "I couldn't lose you! Did you think that me and Sam were just gonna be okay with all this?! WE love you more than ANYTHING in this shitty world, and you were just gonna give your life for him, leave us for him!"
"Well here I am Dean! I'm still here and I need you!" I cried. "I'm sorry you think I picked him over you but it wasn't like that! It never was, I just… I didn't want to lose him. But I did anyways. And I-I… I keep trying to process the fact that I was dead.. but I can't get past it and dammit Dean…" My voice began to give out on me. "I hate it when you're mad at me… I'm so sorry. Okay, I fucked it all up! I get that… but please. I can't."
He stood in silence and watched me begin to fall apart again
"Please… De… I can't do it anymore." I cried.
Arms enveloped me, held me up as my legs gave way, and then he swept me up in his arms and walked us to a chair. I wrapped my arms around his neck and sobbed what few tears I had left after a day full of breakdowns. When I finished I didn't move. I stayed with my face hidden against his neck and shoulder, trying to steady my breath again.
"You know I wasn't… mad. I just. Em I was terrified. You scared the hell out of me. I thought I lost you." He whispered as he squeezed me to him.
"I'm sorry De." I whispered back.
"I know kiddo… its okay. We're gonna be okay." Dean said with a long sigh.
Sam sat on the bed and watched us, then he offered to run and get some food. He leaned down and kissed my cheek before walking out the door.
"You know theres a few things we need to talk about…" Dean said quietly.
"I know." I sighed.
"First off." He said pulling us to wear we could face each other, I moved off his lap and sat in the chair next to him. "I hope you realize you'll be 50 before we trust you to be alone again."
"Seems fair." I said leaning my elbow on the table and my head against my arm.
"Second of all. You're not stupid… so explain to me how you missed that you were being followed. I mean Em you never miss shit like that. Your senses are on point. What the hell happened?"
"I just… I was so excited to go see him De." I whispered looking down. "I picked up Jo and we had fun driving all night singing to the radio, and when we got there I was exhausted and Luke came to get me, and I just… never noticed. I know it was stupid."
"No. It wasn't. It was wreckless. The whole thing was Em. I mean what would have happened if Sammy and I got stuck on the job a day or so longer… what if Jo hadn't been there, or if she had gotten killed. I mean all you had to do was ask us and we would have taken you to see him. I know these last couple of months you two have been trying to figure all this out, and as much as I hated it. I would have supported you coming down here."
"I just… I didn't think you would actually go for it. And I had the car and a few days where I thought you guys would be busy, I promise. I planned to just stay a day or two and drive back. None of this was supposed to happen like it did."
"Obviously." Dean stated sarcastically. I could tell part of him was still upset with me, but he was trying not to show it.
"Are we done?" I asked innocently. Praying what I feared was coming next wouldn't.
"No. We're not. Emily I hate to bring this up as much as you hate for me to do it, but we need to talk about it."
"Ugh.. Dean. No we don't. We don't have to."
"Yeah. We do." He said as uncomfortable as I felt. "Again, I get that you're a teenager. Your emotions and hormones are all over the place. But I'm not okay with you running off and getting a room for the night with some boy."
"it wasn't just some boy Dean… It was Luke."
"I don't care who it was! To me its always gonna be some boy."
"Dean… please. Just. We used protection okay, I don't want to ruin the memory by talking about it with my brother, please."
"Ruin the memory?" He asked with eyebrows raised.
"Yes. Okay, It was good! Really really goo-"
"Okay you can stop there." Dean said looking like he could puke.
"I'm just saying, it was NOTHING like last time, I know it may have been wrong, but I don't regret it. I would much rather preserve the memory than ruin it by discussing it with you. I was safe. I listened. Okay. I brought condoms. Please… can we just not talk about it this time. Last time I needed to, and I even wanted to as uncomfortable as it was. This time… I don't."
Dean watched me carefully as I talked, then he slowly nodded. Sam came back in the door, setting our food on the table in front of Dean and I.
"Well, I'm just glad my condom stash came in handy for one of us, man I need to get laid." Dean said pulling out his burger. Sam rolled his eyes.
"I didn't use those." I said munching on a fry.
"I thought you said you used protection?" Dean asked confused, catching Sam's attention.
"We did, the ones you gave me were too small." I said nonchalantly.
"Excuse me? No they weren't." Dean said nervously. Sam tried to stifle a laugh.
"Umm.. Yeah. Actually they were. Luckily Luke brought his own."
"What?! No.. no way. I'm at least a-"
"Dean! Stop! I don't want to know your, your… size… Okay?! That's just weird." I said thoroughly grossed out.
"I'm just saying! There's no way those things are too small unless the guys hung like a horse!" He said defensively staring at me, I quickly looked back down to the table and cleared my throat.
"So Sam, how's the salad?" I asked trying to change the conversation.
"..How can you even walk right now?" Dean whispered to himself.
"DEAN! Stop!" Sam yelled. "This!" he said pointing to me. "Is my BABY SISTER. I don't want to think about it and neither do you so just drop it. Please."
I sat for a minute eating my dinner in silence, still upset about the whole Luke situation, but finding this conversation temporarily amusing. Then an idea struck me and I just couldn't resist.
"You know Dean… maybe he's not hung, maybe you're just not as big as you think you are. Make sure you're measuring in inches and not centimeters." I said getting up to get a drink. I heard Sam bust out in laughter behind me and Dean disappear into the bathroom. I laughed, genuinely, for the first time all day.
"Oh kiddo, that was cruel. Hilarious… but cruel." Sam joked as I sat back down.
"Its just payback for the cold shoulder." I said with a smile. Sam ruffled my hair and we enjoyed the rest of our dinner in silence.
Sam passed out first, sprawled out on his bed, so I climbed in the second one and bundled myself under the blankets. Wondering if I'd be able to actually sleep tonight. I almost dozed off when Dean's voice caught my attention, he was at the table looking over local papers for a case.
"You still up kiddo?"
"Dean… I was just joking. I'm sure your 'size' is adequate." I mumbled.
"No, that's not what I was gonna ask." He said with an annoyed tone. I giggled.
"Yeah I'm awake, what's up." I said sitting up and leaning against the headboard.
"What triggered your little meltdown earlier? I mean you were really upset Em."
"Oh.." I mumbled, surprised by his question. "Umm… it was. Stupid."
"…Stupid enough to talk about?" He prodded.
"I uh, I tried to call Luke. It had just been a shitty day… I just wanted to talk to him. Even though I know I shouldn't. But when I called… he had the phone disconnected. He uh. He changed that number fast didn't he." I let out a humorless laugh, before looking up at Dean.
"Em. I'm sorry… I know you were really into the kid." He said sincerely.
"Doesn't really matter though does it."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean it doesn't matter… I told you that night we first left after the prom. I'm not good for him… I'll just get him killed. Hell I almost did get him killed. It doesn't matter how much I'm into him, or how badly I want it to work… it won't."
"Emily, I know you feel like you're in pieces right now, but when you pick em back up, there will be other guys. Who knows… maybe even other hunters your age. Something like that could work out easier."
"Dean… since when did you want me to date hunters. You once told me the only thing a hunter wants a good time for the few days he's stuck in a town. He doesn't want an anchor."
"I know… but I hate seeing you so broken up over this guy. That's another reason why I didn't want you running around having sex with the guy. Sex complicates things. Women can't detach themselves like men can. It just gets you more hurt in the long run."
I looked down at the blankets and twisted my fingers together.
"So… he doesn't. I mean… you think Luke is detached already?"
"No, No Em that's not what I meant sweetheart." Dean quickly said backtracking, realizing how I had interpreted his words. He let out a deep sigh as I continued not to look at him.
"I just meant that I was worried this wasn't going to work out, and if it wasn't going to work out then throwing sex into the mix was a bad idea cause it only makes it worse in the end."
"I just wanted to be with him Dean… I. I love him…loved. Whatever."
"Em come on, your 16, are you sure about that?"
"Well… if it wasn't love then I don't know what it was. But I know it hurts like hell now."
"It'll get better kiddo."
"Dean… After all this. The only thing I want is to still be with him. I know I can't, but I want it so bad it hurts." I whispered.
Dean stood up from the table and made his way to sit next to me on the bed.
"You're gonna be okay Em. Me and Sammy will do anything we can to help you. Okay?"
"Promise?" I asked leaning against him and drifting to sleep.
"Promise."