Chapter 37
AN: Yo! Riku here, and she is back for some more knee slapping fun! Mascot is coming to an end, and though there are a couple of ideas I didn't get a chance to incorporate every arc I wanted to, this has been a fun ride! This story has only been possible because of all of y'all, so thank you. Make sure to read at the end for a couple of questions I have for you guys as we wrap up the story.
Camp Danzo (Dun dun dun duuuun)...
''I've changed my mind Nii- san; take me home this instant!" Sasuke cried in fear, attempting to drag the immovable mountain that was his brother away from the entrance to Konoha's newly created 'Camp Danzo.'
"Foolish little brother; you've committed to coming here, and here you shall go. Take this month long training camp to become stronger and build bonds." Itachi admonished his little brother, hiding a smile at the pouting child. In truth, Itachi found the whole situation most amusing, seeing as Kitsune was already dragging Sasuke away.
"Don't worry, we'll have a blast; Danzo- jiji said we're going to have so much fun that hell will seem like a vacation!" Naruto rambled on, missing that fact He had been given a promise of torture for the four weeks. However, Sasuke was not so dim and paled even further.
"NIII- SAAN!" The young Uchiha screamed as he was led away.
As Itachi waved to his disappearing brother, the prodigy of the Uchiha clan gave a benign smile that didn't match the hard glare in his eyes as he looked at Danzo Shimura in a camping shirt and sun hat.
"If he shows up with injuries or seals… you will discover why not even Orochimaru wishes to cross me." Itachi left the open threat and used a shunshin to head back home, knowing the Hokage was watching the camp's every move.
'Besides,' Itachi mused, 'Naruto seems to have infected him to some degree. I'm sure Sasuke will be fine. Now, to the tower to observe. I put one million yen on Naruto finally breaking Danzo within the first week.'
Mind at ease, Itachi dismissed the slight shudder he felt go down his spine while crossing into the village.
Orochimaru's lair…
"So little Naruto- chan is going away to…camp Danzo? Did I hear that right?" Orochimaru asked in a bit of puzzlement, looking up from the report. Kabuto let out a chuckle that had a hint of befuddlement as well.
"I'm sure, Orochimaru- sama. The man has changed drastically; reports of him actually smiling have reached my ears… it's most disturbing." Kabuto shivered a bit when his master grinned viciously.
"No matter," The sannin chuckled, "Either way it presents us with a unique opportunity. Kabuto, bring the boy to me while he is so lightly guarded. Once he's here, Oto will truly rival the other five measly 'great shinobi villages'.
"As you wish, Orochimaru- sama." With a bow, Kabuto departed, intent on making his master's wish a reality.
Back at the camp, in the 'mess hall'…
Naruto cocked his head at the t- shirt that Fu shoved into his hands, the same one everyone else was pulling over their ANBU gear (or in Sasuke's case, over his borrowed ANBU gear).
"I don't get it" the blonde dead panned, and for once Sasuke nodded in agreement.
A Root A Day Keeps The Kage Away!
"Why does a root a day keep a kage away? Hokage- jiji is way too awesome to be 'kept away' by a little root!" Naruto protested. Fu rolled his dull eyes in annoyance, not quite agreeing with what his master had chosen for the shirt. Though a nice, comfortable shinobi green, that phrase was a red flag to his master's grand- if most likely abandoned- plans. But Fu, like the good tool he was, simply patted the Jinchuuriki on the hood.
"Don't question it, Kitsune; focus on helping the others." Fu ordered and Naruto did so, but with shoulders slumped in a pout. Sai and Shin quietly sweat dropped in response to the shirt's phrase, resisting face palms.
Ten minutes later and everyone was dressed, while Fu finished tying boulders to the campers' backs. Danzo used a shunshin in to the room, giving a plain smile that all Root agents knew stood for
'I'm about to make your life a living hell and I'll enjoy it the entire time.'
Wearing a sun hat, whistle, and camp shirt over his robes did not make him look like a benign grandfather to the campers, but a psychopath trying to pose as a camp counselor in order to murder them.
"Now, my pathetic worms- I mean, precious little campers- welcome the first annual 'Camp Danzo.' Here you will learn the true meaning pain, suffering, and discipline in the best way possible; by letting me beat it into you." Here Sasuke paled and wondered why his idol left him with the psychopath in front of him. Worse though was that his number one stalker cheered and jumped despite the heavy load Sasuke could barely lift, even with chakra.
"Wow, that sounds like fun, Danzo- jiji!" Naruto's words made even Fu sweat drop and Danzo get annoyed.
'So, he thinks he's so tough?! Well time to break the little prick, Danzo- style.' Danzo thought gleefully.
"Seeing as young Kitsune is so…energetic, let us start with a thirty five mile run to loosen our muscle ups." Sasuke gulped at the challenge. "Oh, and one last thing; you'll have to dodge my kunai- I'm a very good shot." A small cut appeared on Sasuke's cheek. A whistle shrilled to life and everyone bolted off, Danzo in pursuit of his prey and Fu taking detailed notes for his research.
Hokage Tower…
Sarutobi failed to stifle his chortle at his oldest friend and rival in the ridiculous get up. He chose to ignore the rather suggestive t- shirt and instead focused on how the various shinobi in the vicinity were reacting to the humorous- if a tad deadly- training montage that was unfolding before their eyes.
Kakashi was taking bets on their survival, tiny betting booth in the corner; to Sarutobi it appeared the one eyed ANBU would be making a killing.
Boar, Itachi, Tenzo, and Mouse were all enraptured by the crystal ball and sharing popcorn; it seemed the three were in agreement that Naruto would ruin the war hawk's plans (an opinion Sarutobi secretly shared).
Flamingo was with the other ANBU who were at the betting booths, though it seemed he was hoping the bane of his existence never returned for more 'play time.'
Yugao, Hayate, Ibiki, and Anko payed little attention but instead were discussing the use of all things sharp and pointy for various tasks, shinobi related or other wise.
And Dragon? Well the enigmatic man looked disinterested in his posture, but Sarutobi knew better; the commander was enjoying the show yet ready to leap in if Naruto finally broke Danzo in a way that sent the old one eye after him.
Yes, life was good for the Hokage of Konoha.
"Oh, that's got to hurt!" Boar winced as the run led the children over a chasm that everyone, but Naruto fell into, the blond clearing it while doing a summersault in the air. Though not deep, Sarutobi knew the fall would leave some nasty bruises. However, what kind of shinobi didn't get some bruises?... or shallow cuts, Sarutobi added as Danzo didn't give them time to get up.
After the run…
Everyone but Naruto was panting- even Danzo, though he delicately wiped the sheen of sweat off his brow before anyone noticed- and the young blond did a nice stretch in the late afternoon sun.
"That was a blast! What's next, Danzo- jiji?" He asked. Danzo resisted the urge to use his favorite katon jutsu on the children, instead pulling out his pink notebook he had bought specifically for the occasion of planning his revenge- er, I mean camp. Flipping to the schedule page, he smirked viciously at what was in the plans.
"Who would like a nice game of 'hide and explode'?" He asked, giving that same creepy smile. Shin, who was panting on the ground, sides heaving, made the two worst mistakes of his life.
First, he flipped off his boss, clearly delirious from the previous activity.
Second, he goaded the man.
"Bring it on, old man; you…may have…superior shinobi skills…but I have the ultimate weapon." Shin said as he caught his breath.
"Oh, and what is that 'Rabid Bunny Slippers'?" Danzo asked with a cocked eyebrow. Shin smirked.
"Just the… one and only… high priest of the WILL OF FIRE CULT!"
Danzo stopped.
He stared.
And then he laughed, convinced he was immune to the infamous 'Will of Fire' as he was already a 'loyal' Konoha shinobi.
Oh, the poor old fool.
That night…
Shin crawled to his room- private cells more like it he noticed- and rolled onto the cot. Moon shined in brightly from the high window (which of course was barred) but the grey haired teen never noticed as he snored away his foolish decision to push Danzo Shimura's buttons.
Day one…
"AAAAIIIIEEEE" Could be heard clear across the Land of Fire. The reason four children screeched in such a ghastly fashion would haunt their dreams for months.
"Aww, are the children afraid of a little pillow fight?" Danzo asked in a baby voice as he chucked another pillow from his mountainous supply. Fu calmly kept score of his master's bullseyes; so far it was sixty two.
Of course, these weren't normal pillows, but imported 'electro down feathered' pillows. As it hit Shin, the grey-haired teen shrieked while his skeleton became visible.
Oh yes, pillow fights were always a blast. A kaboom went off from a malfunctioning pillow.
Always a blast indeed.
Day four…
"You better get out of there quickly, boys; the tide rises in an hour." Danzo chimed. Tied together upside down in a low cave were four wide eyed boys. Naruto started wiggling, making the bounds tighter.
"I- idiot. Stop struggling or we'll just become more stuck!" Sasuke ordered once the one eyed teme left. Sai let out a long-suffering sigh, and figured he'd wait a while before pointing out it was all just a genjutsu.
Next day…
"Okay Priest kohai, just do what you always do on Danzo- sama and show him the true way of Fire." Shin grasped his favorite blonde's shoulders tightly, staring into the smaller boy's eyes. All the boys were in the mess hall after breakfast and were nervously waiting for their counselors from hell.
Naruto tilted his head; last night the game of 'hide and explode'- punishment for not seeing through the 'cave genjutsu' fast enough- got very…active, even for the Jinchuuriki's tastes and Sai had warned him that listening to Shin would make Danzo- jiji even more excitable about the camp. Being so excited wasn't good for old people, Naruto remembered. So, Naruto was convinced he needed to make Danzo- jiji relax and Shin's plan would make him do the opposite.
"I don't know Senpai," Naruto said nervously. "Sai- senpai said Danzo- jiji was getting old and Sasuke mentioned old people shouldn't get so excited or else they would have a heart explosion-"
"Heart attack you little creep" the youngest Uchiha grunted in annoyance.
"Yeah, that" Naruto replied airily. "But still, senpai, we wouldn't want Danzo- jiji to get hurt, right?"
"Psshh, who cares? The old geezer is notoriously immortal; not even the Kyubi could kill him despite shooting a Bijudama straight at him… or so the legends go." Shin whispered like a gossip. Root was known as the biggest rumor mill on the planet, and the most discussed topic was Danzo Shimura's rumored exploits. "Besides, if this works, I'll give you fifty bowels of ramen." Shin asked after seeing Naruto still unconvinced. Instantly the blonde brightened up.
"Yosh! Time to help Danzo- jiji see the light!" Naruto exclaimed. Sasuke felt a headache threatening to blossom.
'How the hell is he in ANBU?'
Meanwhile, Danzo Shimura was calmly combing his hair out to prevent the dreaded 'hat head' from forming, when he had the sudden urge to simultaneously run to Moon country and strangle Shin.
'Hmm, relax Danzo; you're just excited for the torture resistance training you have planned for the next three days.'
Giving himself one last wink in the mirror, the Darkness of Shinobi went to track down the little basterds and Uchiha.
Hokage Tower…
"The 'torture resistance' section…" Sarutobi mused. Truth be told he approved of such a course considering all of their status- two Root, the second last of a blood line, and the village's Jinchuuriki- but decided that letting his subordinates witness such a process was a sure fire way to start a mutiny.
'No, best to tuck away the orb for now' he thought while doing just that. He made sure to hide his sweat drop as multiple ANBU complained and resisted murder urges when Itachi delicately flipped him off.
'Don't kill the Uchiha. You need him to repopulate. Remember your happy place. Happy place, happy place.'
Several hours later, Camp Danzo's underground…
"For the next three days, you will not eat, drink- and hopefully- sleep." Danzo droned on. Shin was gagged already to prevent the smart ass from annoying the aged shinobi further and Naruto was attempting to hold in his excitement.
"Fu- chan here" Danzo continued. Fu Yamanaka successfully resisted a growl at his master's patronizing title and head pat "will be attempting to make you break and give up the information you were given in the scrolls passed out." Each scroll had useless information that the Root seals wouldn't prevent the boys from saying to give them a challenge. The lone Uchiha was slightly pale but relaxed when Danzo continued with "Young Sasuke, however, will be given the level one course out of ten seeing as he is not even a genin- your job will be to watch the interrogations."
"What about us? What level are we at Danzo- jiji?!" Naruto jumped up and down excitably. Fu was the one who smirked and replied though, seeing as his reputation was tarnished after the little blonde menace was given the rank of 'unbreakable' due to the mind walker's failure.
But this time, Fu was ready.
"Why, level ten of course, Kitsune, Sai, Shin." The unnerving smile sent towards them gave Naruto an uneasy feeling that he quickly buried.
"Yosh! We will not lose!" Naruto declared before being knocked out by Danzo who was rubbing his temples. Before the other two who were set to be interrogated could protest, they too were knocked out and taken away.
Hours later…
Naruto groaned slightly as he woke up, his head pounding. Shin and Sai gave similar responses moments later. Put in a small room without anything except a small light dangling from the middle of the ceiling, the faces- or in Naruto's case, mask- looked ghostly. Sai gently removed his brother's mask and the life long friends gathered into a tight huddle.
"Okay, team, we just have to survive three days of their mental games. Remember, Hokage- sama loves me and Priest- kohai is too valuable, so they won't kill us." Shin whispered. Sai sweat dropped at the 'Hokage- sama loves me' part but didn't comment. Instead, he pointed out a minor flaw.
"Brother, Kitsune…we each have the same code phrase given to us by Danzo-sama. That means if one of us breaks, the whole test is lost. If we remain silent, however, this trial will not break us." Sai reasoned.
"Or, we can just escape!" Naruto interjected. The Root brothers turned towards their smaller comrade and blinked owlishly. Sai opened his mouth to object but closed it.
'Foolish, almost impossible with our chakra sealed….and genius.' He thought.
"If only the exercise wouldn't be undermined by such a blatant disregard for the rules" The artist shinobi mused. Shin had a thoughtful look on his face, showing his serious side off for the first time since his debut chapter.
"That…could work. After all, what are the rules if a Root agent has been captured?" Shin asked.
Realization filled Sai like revenge in an Uchiha.
"Only say your code name. Escape if possible or die." He said. Naruto gave a victory pose.
"So, it's not against Danzo- jiji's stuffy rules! We're just learning to be true shinobi." The blonde puffed out his chest. Staying huddled, the terrible trio began their plans for a jail break.
With Danzo, Sasuke, and Fu, an hour later…
Sitting and drinking tea with the old one eye that tortured you disguised as training and a man that took pleasure in breaking people for research was not on Sasuke Uchiha's bucket list, no sir. Especially when his stalkers were locked in a room, no doubt planning something stupid.
In said prison room, Naruto and Shin shared violent sneezes.
Back with Sasuke, the boy thought it odd with how calm the adults were.
"Hn. You do know that Kitsune is a master at…causing horrible amounts of trouble? Is leaving him, let alone all three of them, inside a room without anyone watching a good idea?" Sasuke asked. Danzo blinked, shuddered, then cackled once while sipping his tea.
"While I agree with your sentiments young Uchiha, there is no need to worry; the little hellions have been relieved of their weaponry and I ordered Fu to seal their chakra."
A shatter of a tea cup greeted Danzo's last word. Fu had a ghostly look on his face. Danzo adopted the look he learned from his old protégé Kinoe and rigidly turned to his most trusted operative.
"You…did seal their chakra, right?" The Darkness of Shinobi asked with a tint of desperation and 'prepare to die if the answer is no' eyes.
"Why of course, Danzo- sama, but…"
"But what, boy? Spit it out already."
"Agent Kitsune has that as well." Fu pointed out delicately. Before Danzo could give more than a jolt the area exploded with a sense of foul chakra. Both men shot up and raced to the cell- er, secured classroom- only to find a piece of paper floating in the wind of the night. Pushing aside the question of where they got the paper, the aged man read the note, his eye twitching more violently with each word.
Dear Danzo- teme,
Sorry, but mental torture isn't on my bucket list for the summer, so we escaped using Chibi- kohai's special abilities. It's in the rules of Root to escape capture so you can't blame us. See you back at the village!
Shin the Great!
p.s. (From Kitsune) Sorry Danzo- jiji, but I'll buy you ramen to make up for it!
p.s.s (From Sai): …. Please don't kill us, Danzo- sama.
"Fu"
"Yes, Danzo- sama?"
"Watch the Uchiha."
"Of course, Danzo- sama."
"I will return at dawn with our three escaped hellions. Hiruzen must not become aware of this; the old monkey would never let me live it down." Danzo muttered the last part under his breath.
"Safe hunting, Danzo- sama." Fu bowed to his master, pushing a gob smacked Sasuke down with him. In a torrent of wind, the ancient S- class shinobi was gone with a vengeance. If Fu had real emotions he would feel pity. Instead he scooped up the last 'camper' and carted him off for a late night 'emotional therapy' session.
With the three soon- to- be- dead- shinobi…
"That was totally wicked!" Naruto sniggered as he and his friends high tailed it back to the village and the safety of Naruto's many senpai who wouldn't stand for their mascot being tortured by the Darkness of shinobi. Already ten sets of clones were taking the country side by a storm, each leaving false trails for their pursuers. Sai turned to his friend in the moonlight and asked the question that was bugging both brothers.
"Ne, Kitsune- kohai, how exactly did you manage to use that chakra?" He received a muffled giggle.
"Well, I just asked nicely." Cue face faults. Seeing their reaction caused another round of laughter. "Okay, okay! I may have done a bit more than that…"
Flashback, inside Naruto's seal…
"Oi, bunny- chan! Can I pretty please have some chakra?" Naruto asked with puppy dog eyes; Sai had mentioned that Fu only blocked the human chakra based on the seals, so Naruto's 'tenant' as they called the Bijuu should be able to power its host enough to punch a hole in the wall.
Kurama peeped an eye open and instantly curled into a tight ball at the sight of its insane host.
Please just go away! And I'm a FOX DEMON!
"Pssh, no you're not! Now, chakra! Pleaseeee?"
Listen…insignificant flea. Kurama spoke slowly as to help the idiot finally get it. An idea struck him and, with a mental promise to bury what he was about to do inside his subconscious later, Kurama opened his jaws.
Let's sing a song, shall we? He asked. Naruto, predictably, was ecstatic.
"Song, song, song! Is it like Danzo- jiji's camp fire song about the dangers of happiness? Because that one was boring." The Kyubi sweat dropped at the memory; hearing the young blonde belt out C sharp minor tune was not in his list of most treasured moments.
…It's better. Now, sing with me, and learn my species;
"F is for Fierce fangs eating every ninja!
O is for other's pain-
X is eXtreme power, as I crush you humans,
And that is the fox demon theme!"
On and on the pair sang, Naruto a minor 3rd up and Kurama with a constant wince. After a few minutes, Kurama cut the tone deaf child off.
Now… WHAT AM I? Kurama patiently asked.
"An eleven eared rabbit." Naruto parroted his in grained response.
'I swear, if it weren't for these blasted bars…'
"So…power?" Naruto asked impishly.
No.
"Why not?!" The boy whined.
You baka! You can't even call me by my title or species! Why should I loan some of my vast awesomeness to a disrespectful worm like YOU?!"
Naruto put on a thinking pose before rubbing his hands together.
"Alright, I have a deal for you: I'll play along with your delusion of being a fox and you give me chakra?" He held his hand out for a shake. Kurama so wanted to glare the brat into oblivion but it seems looks couldn't kill. Reluctantly the greatest Biju in existence stuck a claw out and made a deal so one sided he could feel Shukaku laughing at him getting the short tail of the deal.
End of flashback…
Shin was about to comment.
Sai was headed towards a face palm.
But, alas, their time together was cut short.
Kabuto, the elusive spy for Orochimaru appeared behind the Root agents and knocked them out with the speed only a jonin level shinobi possessed. They stood no chance, what with being weaponless and chakra- less still. Naruto jumped back but Kabuto flung a syringe at the boy, knocking him out with an extremely potent sedative. Picking up the child, the spy ran back towards his master, two shadow clones already leaving false trails for any pursuers.
'I'm lucky I didn't have to abduct him from under Danzo's eye; better hurry though, this sedative should last for twelve hours but I don't wish to test it. Kukuku Naruto- kun, time to take you to your new home and Master.'
Charging off into the night, the medic nin was gone like a wisp of wind long before a confused Danzo Shimura arrived forty minutes later after dispelling each of the annoying clones.
Naruto Uzumaki, the prized weapon, mascot, and friend of the village leaders/ most deadly members, was kidnapped.
"I'm too old for this shit," Danzo Shimura muttered as he carried his charges towards the village, preparing for his early demise at the hands of the mother hen Hiruzen.
End! SOOO…. How was it? This took forever to write, and I was intending to just do a ten thousand word chapter and finish the story up, but I really want end the story next chapter so I can flesh out the last scenes more.
A couple points:
Orochimaru will have to deal with the cult leader that is Naruto! Any thoughts on how you think this will play out?
Naruto will have multiple parties coming to the rescue. If there is a particular character you wish to make an appearance in this last chapter showdown, let me know!
I haven't put all the stories for this fiction in, but I think I will somehow either incorporate them into other fics or make a series of mascot one shots! Either way, know that I plan to continue the stupidity of this universe.
Iruka… poor, poor Iruka next chapter. Hehehehe.
Finally, some questions!
Favorite arc/ chapter?
Favorite characters and why?
Did you like my take on certain events (First kill, the Akatsuki, the cults, ect) and why/ why not?
Anything to improve on for my next basically crack fic?
Thank you again for all of y'all's support. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have had the confidence to basically barf on the page random plot bunnies that shot through my head. Have a nice week and see you for the finale!