Even If...

Chapter 34

Hermione sings in the library not knowing that everyone in the house can hear. Her secret isn't a secret any longer. Remus knows she's back.

…

Remus was flirting poorly with Tonks in the drawing room which was right out side the entrance to the library. He could see Miah or the girl who resembled Miah sitting in the window looking out at them. He was trying to convince himself that he shouldn't care about her. She would never remember what they had together. He wouldn't never be able to hold her in his arms again, not like they used to. He was finally able to move on, he was finally almost over her, until now, today, this exact moment; until now.

She looked sad, sitting there in the window seat of the library. He hadn't even noticed that he was watching her out of the corner of his eye until she moved away from the glass window.

He vaguely remembered that she could sing and play the piano, although he hadn't ever heard her play, that he could remember. Everyone stopped talking as they heard the music from the library.

James cracked the door open so they could hear what she was singing. It sounded like a said love song, as the words hung in the air like a heavy cloud.

Everyone held their breath as she stopped playing the piano but lowly sung the last two lines over again; before letting out a strangled sob.

Remus watched as Lilly and Ginny rushed towards the library. He watched Ginny squeeze in through the door and shut it, as Lilly pulled James and Sirius into the kitchen. Remus reluctantly followed them out of the room.

Tonks didn't quite know what to think, she had only met the girl a handful of times. She remembered her cousin Sirius talking about a girl named Hermione that disappeared when Voldemort attacked the Potters the night he disappeared. Could she be the same girl? Tonks suddenly found herself with much to think about. She like Lupin; but he was clearly not as over his wife as he thought he was, and Tonks wasn't about to get in the middle of all that sadness. Better to get out before she gets attached to the man. Hell I'm already attached to the man, she thought.

…

"Someone want to tell me what is going on?" Harry, and his friends listened at the closed door to the kitchen.

"Uh, well," Sirius said looking to James and Lilly for help with explaining.

"She's back Remus," Lilly said, "she returned at the end of October, right after disappearing. Severus and the young Malfoy found her."

"What do you mean she's back?" Remus asked, "you mean she's returned from the past? She doesn't look old enough."

"Trust me it's her," Sirius said speaking up, "She answered to Miah and called me Sirius instead of Mr. Black."

"Why didn't someone tell me," Remus said angrily. pausing before saying what came next, in a calm voice nearing a whisper, "I would have stayed away. Gosh she must be in agony seeing me here."

"No Remus," Ginny said stepping into the kitchen from the other entrance, not the one that everyone else came in before. "She thought you were moving on, and didn't want to hurt you by bringing up the past. You've 15 years to get used to her being gone. Miah's had only a little over 2 months. She didn't want to stand in your way, that's why she asked us not to say anything. And before you ask, I only know because I piratically made her tell me. It was eating her from the inside out, although there are other things you don't know; but it's not my business to tell you so I'll butt out. And you might be interested to know that Harry and Ron are listening from that side of the door."

"You just had to tell didn't you," Ron said as he, Harry and Neville stepped into the kitchen.

"You should mind your own business," Ginny scolded.

"I think I need to be alone," Remus said before stepping out of the kitchen and heading to room where he stayed when he was a guest at the Potters.

"Where is she?" Sirius asked.

"She's in the garden," Ginny said.

"Thanks," Sirius said squeezing her shoulder before quickly walking out of the kitchen and onto the back patio and into the garden.

"Do I get to ask whats going on or do I have to wait for Hermione to tell me?" Harry asked.

"You have to wait," Ginny and Lily said at the same time.

"Oh, alright," Harry said reluctantly, "lets go boys. How about a game of Wizards chess?"

"Sure," Ron said excitedly.

"I better go make sure they don't make a mess," James said following them out of the room. James really liked watching Wizarding chess. However like his son he just wasn't any good at it.

"So looks like it's just us girls," Lilly said plopping down into a chair at the kitchen table. "How about some tea?"

"Sounds great," Tonks said, Ginny nodded in agreement. "Would it be out of line for me to ask for the story behind whats happening. I mean I've heard stories, but I'm a bit confused about the whole situation."

"It's a bit of a story," Lilly said, "let me start the tea before I tell you about it."

After the tea was made, Lilly told Ginny and Tonks the whole story. How Miah came to Hogwarts in her 5th year not knowing anything about her family or where she was before she came to them. She only knew her name and what she'd learned in school previously.

Lilly told her, how she and Miah became best friends. She told them about the falling out with Snape, and how Hermione decided to keep the friendship with him, even when Lilly hadn't wanted to. Leaving out some of the funnier stories, Lilly told them that Miah had become a bit part of everyone's life. Lilly even let slip about Miah being pregnant while they were attacked in Godric's hollow. She went on to tell that they never told Remus about the baby because it was bad enough that he had lost his wife and his best friend.

"Wow," Tonks said sadly, "I can't imagine going through all that. I'm not sure who need the comfort most. I thought perhaps Remus would. I mean the girl he thought was gone is suddenly back, he must be so confused. But she must be heartbroken, losing her child and husband at the same time. Instead of being 23 she's suddenly 16 again. I'm not sure I could cope with it all."

"Just be there for her," Ginny said, "i know it must be hard on you because you were making a bit of progress with Remus. But if you can just be there for them."

Tonks nodded before standing up and leaving the room, she was startled to see, three boys and one grown man standing behind the door, listening in.

"Don't you have anything better to do than to listen to conversations you not privy to?" Tonks groused on her way up the stairs.

"Not really," the four of them said at the same time, before looking at each other with big goofy smiles. Really who would have thought that James would still act like a teenage boy at times.

Later when he and his wife were alone, he would receive a scolding for helping the boys ease drop, and it wouldn't be pleasant.

…

Miah had been sitting in the garden, thinking about things. Her mind was so a buzz that she didn't even hear Sirius coming down the path.

"Miah," he said walking up behind her and placing his hands on his shoulders. When she didn't react or say anything, he called her name again, "Miah."

"Yes, Sirius," she said after a moment. Her voice was so soft that he had to strain to hear it.

"Are you feeling alright?" Sirius asked, gently wrapping his arms around her neck and shoulders, while resting his chin on the top of her head.

"Physically I feel fine," Miah said, "emotionally, not so well."

Pulling away from her, he moved around her so that he was sitting on the bench next to her. He pulled her hand into his lap before gently rubbing her fingers.

She looked over at him, and smiled, before nudging him with her shoulder. Sirius laughed, as he wrapped his free arm around her shoulders. "I've missed you."

"I've missed you too," Miah said with small smile, "Maybe not James trying to steal the chocolate cake."

"He still does that," Lilly said from behind them, "not as much as he used to, but he still does it when he thinks I'm not paying any attention, to what he's doing."

"I hope he didn't pass the Chocolate steeling jean from James," Miah said playfully.

"It's to soon to tell," Lilly said, as she sat down on the other side of Miah.

"This is just to weird," Miah said, "I want to ask you what you've been up to since I've been gone, but I already know. I was there for some of it and the rest I've heard from Harry. It's just to weird, that I've gone to school with you, and now I'm in school with Harry too."

"It can't be all bad can it?" Sirius asked in a huff.

"It's not bad at all," Miah said, "except for Professor Umbitch."

"Who?" Sirius and Lilly sputtered at the same time.

"Delores Umbridge," Miah spat in a huff, "she's vile, and evil. She won't let us learn spells for our OWLs in DADA. So we've formed a group, so we can learn."

"Was this your idea?" Lilly asked.

"Well I gave Harry the idea, he'd the most experienced with defending himself and all that," Miah said, "Ron and I just held the meeting and we've been working behind the scenes really. He's already taught us all sort of useful things. The meeting are hush hush though, so don't tell anyone."

"Wouldn't dream of it Kitten," Sirius said.

"Kitten?" Miah asked curiously.

"We heard about second year from Harry when you turned your self into a cat, thanks to polyjuice potion," Lilly said laughing. "really you couldn't tell the difference between cat and human hair."

"I wasn't really paying attention," Miah said sheepishly.

"So I'll be calling you kitten from now on," Sirius said, "Kitten."

"Your really expect me to answer don't you?" Miah asked in a mock annoyed tone.

"I know you will," Sirius said.

Miah laughed at him before hugging him around the waist, "I really missed you Sirius."

"I missed you too, Kitten," Sirius said.

"We all have," Lilly said joining the hug.

…

"What do you suppose they're doing out there?" Neville asked curiously.

"Looks like they're hugging to me," Ron said.

"Why would, uncle Sirius and mom be hugging Hermione?" Harry asked in a petulant tone.

"I've no idea," Neville and Ron said at the same time.

"I'm sure I know," James said, from behind them, "but that's a story for another time. Plus you've already been told to wait until she's ready to tell you. So quit being nosy or she's never going to tell you."

"You sounded like Hermione, just then," Ron said, with Harry and Neville agreeing.

"It's been known to happen from time to time," James said puffing out his chest before he walked back into the kitchen to get something to drink.

"They're hiding something," Harry said.

"It sure seems that way," Neville said.

"Thats the second time that they've told us to butt out," Ron said.

"Which means they must be hiding something," Harry said finishing the thought.

"The three of you could be brothers, the way you act sometimes," Tonks said from the doorway.

"Watcher Tonks,"the three boys said at the same time, before busting out into peels of laughter.

"Yup just like his father that one," Tonks said as she walked out of the room. Al thought she hadn't said to which boy she was referring to.

…

That night, Miah found herself having a hard falling asleep, so around 1am she went to the kitchen to get something to eat. She turned on the light, before grabbing the kettle, and putting some water to boil on the stove. What she liked most about the Potters house, was the way that it ran with electricity. They have a microwave over, and a toaster, a coffee pot and even a television.

She set the water on the stove to boil, before sitting down at the table. She rested her chin on her hand and she tried not to think. She tried to clear her mind of all things but the sound of the burner under the kettle. She listened for the sound of the water heating. A few minutes later she found herself standing and walking over to the kettle. Just as it was about to boil, she pulled the kettle off and poured her self a cup of how water. Since she was just making a single cup of tea she put the tea bag right into her cup.

Soon she was sitting back down at the table with a hot cup of tea. She was blowing at it to cool it, fervently wishing that it would help her feel sleepy.

"It doesn't work," a voice said from behind her.

"What doesn't work?" she asked the voice keeping her face forward.

"Wishing on your tea," the voice answered, sounding a bit closer than before, "trust me I know."

"It was worth a shot," she answered without turning. She would know that voice anywhere, it was the voice that haunted her while she was holed up with the Potters during the war. It was the voice that refused to let her sleep at night when she'd returned, and now it was the voice that kept her from moving on.

"Miah," he said stepping directly behind her. He desperately wanted to place his hands on her shoulders, pull her into a hug and never let her go.

"Don't," she said taking a sip of her still to hot tea, "please don't."

"Why not?" he asked disappointed.

"You know why," she said.

"No I don't," he said sitting down next to her. He was sitting sideways in the chair, so that he was facing her and looking directly at her. "Tell me why Miah."

"Because," she said turning her head to look at him, "We've already had our shot, I don't have the right to ask you to wait for me, after making you wait 15 years."

"That doesn't matter," he said shaking his head quickly, trying to stall her before she discovered that she didn't have to stay there and talk to him if she didn't want to. "not if you still want to be with me, not if you still love me."

"I never stopped," she said whispered to herself first before repeating loudly, "I never stopped."

"Then why?" he asked watching intently while she looked at the cup in her hands, tears slipping down her face.

"When I came back, all my memories of the past hit me like a bat to the head. I remembered all the things we'd done before I left here to come there. And then all the old memories I shared with Petunia, and Lilly, along with Alice and frank. All the memories of Sirius and Severus fighting, and then all the memories of you.

I remembered that you were starting to get along with Tonks at some of the order meeting, and I thought that maybe it would be better if I just let you move on, perhaps you would be happier. Marry her, have children with her, she's in no danger of leaving you. She won't suddenly disappear on you when you need her the most. Unless of course she gets hit by the wrong curse doing her job. But she's a smart girl I'm sure she'd be fine, but what about me, I've already left you once. You deserve better than me, Remus."

"Is that the only reason?" Remus asked quietly, "is there anything else you wish to tell me?"

"Do you remember the last night we spent together?" she asked with a light smile. When he smiled and nodded his head, she told him about her stay with the potters, about how they'd discovered her being pregnant about four weeks after her moving there. How peter and Dumbledore were the only contact they had from the outside world. She told him about anything.

"You were... you were pregnant?" he asked uncertainly. "What happened are you alright?"

"It was Voldemort's curse that knocked me back to the future Remus," she said sipping her cool tea, it was to cool to finish so she set it aside, "when I returned I went back to how I was supposed to be because there can only be one of me in one space at a time. When I left I was a Virgin, so when I returned I went back to being a Virgin, and the baby I was carrying went along with it."

Remus pulled back from her, suddenly he was furious. He wasn't angry at her for it wasn't her fault. He was angry for his friends and family not telling him. He was angry with Dumbledore for keeping him in the dark. What sort of game was he playing.

Remus was in a blind rage, he turned over the table, scattering the chairs across the kitchen. Surprisingly Miah was left untouched. She was in a state of awe, shock and suddenly she was frightened. She'd never seen this side of him before.

"Remus," she called not daring to move from where she sat in case he forgot she was in the room and accidentally hurt her, "Remus stop."

Silently and suddenly he turned to her. She sat in her chair looking at him, sadly, her eyes puffy from crying, her hands empty. Suddenly he remembered where he was, he was in James and Lilly's home. Suddenly he felt a fool, for having blown up in front of the girl he had married so many years ago.

He pulled out his wand, waving it, repairing the damage that was done, the damage he had done. "I'm sorry," he said kneeling on the floor in front of the chair she was sitting in. He had moved the chair she was sitting in around so that her back was to the table. "Forgive me, I didn't mean to frighten you."

"They didn't tell you because they thought that it would have hurt you more," Miah said, "you understand right?"

"I don't like it, they should have told me I had a right to know," Remus said angrily, "but I'm not mad at you, you stepped in and refused a mad man to pass. I was so proud of you yet so sad when I heard."

She raised her hand to wipe his face clean of tears, when he leaned his face into her hands. Suddenly she was in his arms, her face hidden in his chest breathing him in.

"We shouldn't," she said breathlessly pushing herself away from him, "It wouldn't be fair to Tonks."

"Tonks and I aren't together," he said firmly, "we've been flirting but he aren't dating, and we aren't sleeping together. I haven't committed to anything other than friendship with her."

"You should forget about me," Miah said trying very hard not to give into the tears that wanted to fall free from her eyes, "you should let her have a chance. You could be happy with her."

"I don't want to be happy with her," he said shaking her head, "I want to be with you."

She smiled sadly, hugging him one last time, before pulling herself from his arms. "If after you've tried, and I mean really tried to be with Tonks and it doesn't work and your not happy, then I'll be with no other than you for eternity."

"And if I am happy with her?" he asked.

"Then be with her Remus," Miah said smiling, "don't worry about me. I'll be fine."

"Miah," he said pleadingly, "Miah please."

"No," she said shaking her head, "no you have to try Remus, you don't know if you'll be happy with her unless you try."

"Whats going on in here?" a voice boomed from the doorway scaring both Miah and Remus from the conversation they were currently having.

"nothing," they both said. Hermione used the distraction to get out of the kitchen and back up to her room. While Remus was trapped in the kitchen with not only an upset James but an enraged Sirius who had been present for the whole exchange.

"What was all that noise about then if it was nothing?" James asked angered, "Lilly thought someone was breaking into the house, and was worried when Hermione wasn't in her room. So I'll ask again what is going on?"

"I got up cause I couldn't sleep," Remus said, "and when I got down here Miah had already poured herself a cup of tea. We started talking, and then she told me what happened when she returned to the here and now. I was furious, I turned the room upside down, she just sat there. Then she explained to me why you didn't tell me. She just sat there calmly as I blew up."

"So now you know," James said a little less angry, "what are you going to do now?"

"I don't know," Remus said, "she thinks I should move one, try things out with Tonks. She said that if I couldn't work things out with Tonks then she would be happy to spend the rest of eternity with me."

"And if you are happy with Tonks," James said, "what then?"

"She'll move on," Remus said sitting down in the chair, "would she really move on?"

"You'd expect her to pine away for you for the rest of her life?" Sirius said angrily, "That's not only unfair to her it's unfair to Tonks, and to you. You need to make a decision, and you need to make it soon."

after that Sirius left the kitchen returning to bed, soon after James returned to the comfort of his bed and to Lilly. He explained what happened, and together they went back to sleep.

Remus sat up in the library till sunrise and then went back to bed, still unsure on what to do. And until he was sure, he decided to avoid Miah and Tonks until he could decide one way or the other. He knew that he should give Tonks a chance, and that if he gave her a chance he could be happy with her. The problem was that he really wanted to have back what he and Miah had before everything went pear shape, at the end of the first war.

A/N: there you have it, I hope you like it. Next up, before we get to Christmas we'll have an order meeting will Miah will ask in front of everyone before the actual meeting about the picture that Voldemort gave her when she went for 'Questioning'. Should be interesting, really I can't wait to write it. The story should go quicker after that. I can't guarantee who she'll end up with. I'm still up in the air about it. This story really writes it self. I just type the words. I swear this story has taken its life into its own hands.

P.S. I don't own Harry potter nor am I making a profit from this story.