A/N: I still own nothing but my own plot and character's.

Chapter 37 - Is This Real

Kat

I had sat on my bed, silently crying for longer than I felt I had enough tears for. It had started out just about how I was feeling at seeing Eric with another girl. But it became about so much more than that. It was the weight of events since taking the aptitude test. It was the fear that had hounded my everyday for almost seven years. It was the worry that now I wasn't there to protect them from him, what the monster named Marcus Eaton would do to my family. It was the chain that I had felt like was weighing me down with guilt and insecurities. It was the pain of missing my parents and the guilt for being ok and happy having left their home despite all of that. It was the pressure I felt to make up for the past but also to prevent anything like that and what had been going on with me from happening again either.

It was all of that bubbling up and breaking out, ready to be released.

Maybe I should have felt weak for crying but I didn't see it as a weakness. It felt like weight was being lifted somewhat. Those things would still be there but I felt a measure of release in acknowledging them and how they made me feel.

I hadn't heard Eric coming into the dorm. I hadn't even felt him near like I could most of the time. He moved like a ghost and it wasn't until he was crouched beside my bed that I knew he was there. I had tried to hide my tears or that I had been crying. More because I didn't want questions to be asked. I wasn't ready to answer by a long shot.

Seeing him there sent hurt rushing through me, along with a messed up sense of happiness. I had almost refused to go with him when I realized what he wanted. For about a second I thought about telling him no. I am coming to realize that when it comes to Eric, I am almost powerless.

Except for right now. This moment, sitting on his lap, he is giving me power of a sort. I will take it gladly. Take it and anything he allows me to have. I try not to think about what he might have done with the woman from the Pit. I try not to imagine it and fail.

So when he tells me he wants me to explore, the first things that had come to mind I push out. Instead, I turn so that I am facing him completely. I frown when he groans a little.

"Am I hurting you?" I ask, perched and ready to get off of him if he says I am.

He chuckles and shakes his head. "You're asking if you are hurting me? I think that might be what I am supposed to ask...kitten."

I frown but nod. "Just, tell me to stop anytime you want me to."

He quirks an eyebrow and his lips twitch. "Another one of my lines." The husky tenor of his voice radiates down my spine and sending warmth through me. There is meaning behind those words and that tone but I can only guess.

That guess is enough to have me biting my lip and eyes going half lidded. Then I remember my resolve. I remember how she touched him. I don't let it stop me but I do determine to be different.

I reach out a hand and tentatively begin letting my fingers slowly graze and trail along his ear like he had done me earlier in the dorm. Running along the tip of it on the outside down to his earlobe. I wait for a reaction or for him to tell me to stop but he doesn't. He is breathing through his nose, his eyes lowered but he is watching me closely. A small smile on his lips.

I blush a little and reach my other hand to do the same thing to his other ear. The entire time I let my eyes move over his face, choosing the next place I am going to explore. His jaw, that strong and chiseled jaw that drives me crazy in a way I never knew I could be driven crazy. That is the next place I explore. One hand resting at the back of his neck, cupping it, while I use the other hand and fingertips to trace along his jawline.

He lets out a soft sigh and expelling of air as his eyes close when I move to his forehead. Soothing over where I know it wrinkles when he is worried. Stroking where I know it creases when he is angry. Caressing where I have burned into my mind how it puckers at those rare and beautiful smiles.

His hands had come to rest on my thighs when I moved to straddle and face him. Gently they squeezed or kneaded through my thick black pants, moving up the tiniest of amounts. But I felt a strange combination of him melting under my touch while still being tensed or ready for something.

His eyes are still closed when I lift my hand and move to his neck. With a smile I start to trace the tattoos there and think about how I really long to press my lips to the area. Down each block on either side, right down to his chest.

I settle for allowing myself to press two fingers against the dark ink in the lightest of touches, pausing and putting just a little more pressure when I get to the point where his pulse is. He swallows and I feel his pulse jumping.

The only sign my touches are having any kind of effect on him really. Pleasure fills me at that and I move to continue my same explorations on the other side.

His black shirt has a deep rounded neckline, giving me an enticing view of the top of his chest and dark blonde hairs. I let my hand fall there, teasing along the neckline.

Eric lets out a small moan and his head falls back against the wall. "Fuck kitten." His voice is a bare whisper and I look at him. His eyes are open and watching me through hooded lids.

"Do you want me.."

"No. Don't...don't stop." His tone is almost a plea but more a command. His hands move higher up my legs and to my hips and grips me tightly.

I am not sure what he is feeling during this whole experience but to me it is like liquid warmth has started to pump through my veins. Where my fingers touch against his skin I am surprised I am not seeing sparks from the electricity wherever contact is made.

Desire has slowly started to pool in my center, liquid desire that I pray he can't detect along with the heat at the center between my legs.

He pulls me tighter against him and I feel him through his pants pressing against me. Now I let out a small moan, my head falling back a little. We stay like that for a few seconds, me not daring to move and him holding me tightly. He lets out a breath and I gulp one in before I look back to him.

There is no mistaking the desire in his eyes now. It feels like a small victory. An almost hollow one with the memory and thoughts of him and the girl earlier still fresh in my mind. I won't go further than one last thing.

I reach up a hand, and still holding his eyes, take my thumb and begin to lightly move it over his bottom lip. His nostrils flare and his jaw clenches. I use the tip of my thumb, I trace along the bottom of his lip. Before I can move to the top though, he catches my hand, and it is then I notice his chest heaving.

He holds my hand for a few minutes, along with my eyes, running the pads of his fingers over my fingertips. Then he slowly pulls my hand towards him and hooks it behind the back of his neck where it now joins my other hand on the opposite side.

One hand of his moves from my hips and goes to cup the back of my head, pulling me towards him as he moves his body forward until our foreheads are touching. He takes a few deep breaths, our chests pressed together.

My mouth is dry and my heart is beating wildly in my chest. I want so much more, burn for it really. At the same time, I can't allow myself to hope for it or go there. Not after earlier.

I might not be angry with him but I am hurt. I don't know how long that will last. I don't know what it even means other than I can't allow it. Not knowing just hours ago he may have been…..

I close my eyes and sigh, breathing him in and soaking in his warmth. His scent seems to be burned into my mind. Clean linen, mint and slightly spicy...like cloves.

A tremble runs through me before I can stop it as my senses run riot and my own desire feels like it is overflowing in me.

"Are you ok?" His breath fans out on my face when he asks this in his gravel filled voice.

I nod, not trusting myself to speak just yet. Fighting back the tears that threaten me. "Just cold."

He nods and pulls back. "Ok, let's get you back under the blanket then."

I blush and move to get off of him, my breath hitching slightly when doing so I rock against his hardness. I bite my lip hard to keep from moaning and successfully sit back down beside him. He shifts a little and I swear it looks like he might be blushing as he grabs the blanket and drapes it over me but then looks to be adjusting his pants a little.

He doesn't ask and I don't object, but he pulls me back against his side tightly and pressed my head to his chest after placing a kiss to my forehead when we are laid back down.

I can feel his heartbeat under my head, not extremely fast but faster than normal. "Kat, I didn't ask you and I should have...but...is this ok? Us being like this?"

I swallow and close my eyes. "Yeah. I...I like being like this with you."

His arms tighten around me and I hear an exhaled "Good"

My arms tighten around his waist and I relax into him. One of his hands moved to run through my hair and the sleep I had been so sure would evade me starts to seep into my body, dragging me under.