I'm so sorry I haven't updated in a while! Continuing as much as I can now, thanks for sticking with me and reading! xx
I got a head full of darkness and darkness is good
Cause if we all die young then we don't get hurt
Steve looked through the window of SHIELD's medical lab, watching as a nurse filled out form after form of Hayley's results. The took samples of blood to check if she had been exposed to anything harmful, they took x-rays of her shoulder and ribs, they took swabs of saliva to test her anxiety and stress levels and they stitched up every open wound on her body. All the while Hayley just sat there, staring straight ahead at the mirror on the wall by the scales, wondering how she became the woman staring back at her.
It had been two days since Steve found her in the underground tunnels of Russia. She was almost unrecognizable with blood smeared all over her face and her skin covered in cuts and bruises. But he could recognize her anywhere.
''Hayley!'' Steve called out, finally spotting her down the end of the far tunnel.
The woman's head whipped around at his words, her eyes wide with fear and her hand raising with a gun at the ready. There was blood spattered all over her clothes and face, a sight that made Steve's heart beat faster than he thought possible.
''It's okay,'' he assured, raising his hands and pulling off his cowl. ''It's me, you're okay,''
Staring back at him, Hayley slowly lowered her hand and threw the gun to the ground. Only then did Steve begin the approach. With each step he took, Hayley seemed to calm down. There was finally someone familiar, someone who she knew wouldn't hurt her.
''Don't come closer,'' she shook her head.
''It's okay,'' he repeated.
Hayley's head dropped and she stared off to the side, Steve's gaze following shortly after. He could see a pair of legs laying on the ground motionless, and with one more step he discovered the lifeless body of Vasilli Borya.
''How is she?''
Natasha's voice surprised Steve, but his eyes didn't move away from Hayley.
''Not good,'' he told her, folding his arms and letting out a sigh.
''Lewis is putting her on rest for a while. He's going to set her up with Rafferty for some sessions,''
''She won't go,'' Steve shook his head.
''It won't be straight away,'' Natasha clarified. ''When she's ready,''
Steve watched as Hayley stood up from the bed taking a few steps forward as the nurse finished up the final form. Still peppered with purple bruises all over her face and bandage and gauze down her neck, Hayley couldn't seem to take her eyes away from her reflection. She couldn't believe it was her.
After a few moments of Hayley changing out of the white robe into cargo pants and a t-shirt, she was released from the medical unit. She already had her orders to rest up for a few days, and although she knew sleeping would be near impossible, she couldn't argue against the idea of being back in her apartment. Away from all the debriefing, away from medical labs and mission reports. Somewhere safe.
Looking down at the crowds of people walking down the street, Hayley wished she could have been one of them, as she did so often when she sat by the window late at night. To be able to laugh so freely and enjoy every moment. To have all of her burdens go away.
Hayley was a soldier for so many years and with that role came hard calls. Vasilli Borya was not the first life she had taken, but it was the first life she ended at her own will. She could have captured him, taken him in to SHIELD, given them the man they had been tracking for so long. But something in her couldn't let him go like that. The man who had tortured her, beat her and threatened her family. Letting him live wasn't an option. And now she had to live with that decision.
Which meant whenever her eyes closed to rest, whenever she felt somewhat safe and comfortable once more, what she did would always haunt her.
''Here I thought you believed in a fair fight,'' Borya smirked.
''Does a fair fight involve someone strapped to a chair?'' she asked, her teeth red from the blood pooling in her mouth.
Borya laughed at her then, his head rolling back to let out his hearty chuckle. Hayley squeezed the gun in her hand tighter, her finger gently tapping against the trigger as if she was itching to pull it. This man provoked her every time he opened his mouth.
''I don't care if they don't find you,'' she told him through gritted teeth. ''I don't care if they want whatever information you've got, I don't care what use you are to them,''
Borya could see her hand trembling, her eyes wide with adrenaline and mania. He had driven her to this.
''You're going to kill me? Point blank?'' he asked, turning to spit out a mouthful of blood from their violent fight moments ago.
''I want to know who's watching my family,''
A grin split across his lips.
''You're threatening me,''
''Tell me!''
''Pull the trigger,'' he encouraged. ''If you don't care what they want with me, do it,''
Hayley's jaw clenched and her grip tightened even further on the gun, Borya's eyes watching every tremble her body made.
''One little phone call and I can make them all dead,'' Borya told her. ''Mother, father, grandmother, grandfather. I have them all,''
''You're a liar,'' Hayley shook her head, bending down to grab the front of his shirt and pull him off the ground.
''I have Elliot too. I have eyes on every person you cared about from the moment you chose not to cooperate,'' Borya told her, sitting up.
Hayley's heart was beating fast in her chest, she could feel it almost bursting, and in that one second she took her eyes off Borya's, he was up and charging at her. Knocking her to the ground, Borya reached for the gun. If he got it out of her hands, she was dead. There was no second thought for Borya.
Kicking with all her force, Hayley knocked Borya back into the wall. Then she took one more step closer, raised her hand, and pulled the trigger.
Hayley's eyes flew open to her chest heaving and her body covered in sweat. As she sat up, she could see the light coming through the window from the streets outside. It looked like the sun was just beginning to rise, and she had only closed her eyes for ten minutes.
Shutting the door behind Steve and securing the lock, Hayley stared at the two full brown bags he had in his arms, wondering what he was planning to do with all of the food that seemed to overflow from them. Over the past two days she had been back in her apartment, she had managed to eat two whole sandwiches without feeling too sick, but the sight of more food wasn't enticing at all.
''You've got nothing in your fridge,'' Steve explained, noticing her look.
''For a reason,'' she nodded. ''It'll go to waste,''
''I know eating is the last thing on your mind right now,'' he sighed. ''But you've gotta take care of yourself,''
Actually, the last thing on Hayley's mind was exactly that. Taking care of herself was not a priority at all, especially since all she did was worry about everyone else. She didn't care if she didn't get her daily nutrition or if her eyes were so dark from lack of sleep that it looked as if she was transitioning to a zombie. She was not the focus.
''SHIELD still has people on my family, don't they?'' she asked.
Steve looked over to her with a small sigh. She had asked that same question repeatedly over the past few days and each time Steve had assured her they were safe. SHIELD would continue watching over them until they were sure Borya's threats against them were false. He couldn't blame her for needing the constant reassurance, he just wished she could stop worrying long enough to get some rest.
''They're safe,'' Steve nodded. ''So is Blake. He'll be here tomorrow,''
Hayley looked over at Steve, immediately shaking her head.
''No, tell him not to come. He doesn't need to fly to New York for this, I don't need him he-''
''He wants to be here, he wants to see you. Nothing's going to change that,''
With a long groan, Hayley plopped herself down into the chair by the window.
''I don't want to see him,''
Steve left the groceries for a moment, walking over to stand by her, leaning against the wall.
''Why not?
''I don't want him to look at me and know what I did,'' she admit. ''It's bad enough seeing the way you look at me now, I can't have the other person I give a shit about looking at me like that too,''
''Like what?'' Steve stood up straight. ''Hayley, what you did saved your life. The way you think I look at you? That is not disappointment or judgement, okay? That's fear, because the way you are right now scares the hell out of me. You don't eat, you don't sleep, you barely even speak,''
Hayley squeezed her eyes shut as Steve spoke, feeling tears build up. Her hands were closed in tight fists, sitting in her lap turning her knuckles white.
''I didn't do it to save my life,'' she shook her head, opening her eyes to look back into his. ''I did it for what he did to me, for revenge. I could have shot him in the leg, I could have made sure SHIELD took him in, but I didn't. I killed him because I wanted to,''
''You are not blaming yourself for this,'' Steve told her firmly. ''Don't do it to yourself,''
With tears in her eyes and lips trembling, Hayley turned to him and shook her head in disappointment. He may not have been disappointed in her, but she definitely was. And she was sure that would never go away.
''I'm supposed to be the good guy,'' she shrugged. ''I'm not supposed to kill someone like that, not when there's another way, not when I don't have to,''
''Hayley, what he did to you...'' Steve trailed off, his hands going to fists as well just at the thought.
Lifting a hand to wipe her eyes, Hayley cleared her throat and pushed off the seat, brushing past Steve who was still knelt down. He knew Hayley talking to him about this wasn't going to last long, she rarely opened up, but he knew that he was lucky enough to get this much from her. Dr Rafferty was going to have a difficult time getting anywhere with her therapy, especially since right now Steve didn't know what was driving her forward.
Standing up, Steve turned to watch Hayley bite down in pain as she slid her arms into her coat.
''What are you doing?''
''I need some air, I'm gonna take a walk,'' she told him, slipping on her shoes.
''Hayley, you can barely walk,''
''Then it'll be a slow walk,''
Steve let out a sigh and put his hands on his hips. She had spent the last few days confined to her apartment, Steve was almost sure she wouldn't want to go out into the city streets for a while yet. Once again, she proved him wrong.
''Do you not understand that you need to rest?'' he asked, his voice louder and slightly annoyed.
''I can't stay in here and think any more, I'll lose my goddamn mind!''
''Then I'm coming with you,''
''No,'' she shook her head. ''Look, I appreciate what you've done for me, but I need to deal with this on my own,''
''You need to talk to me,'' Steve argued. ''Let me help you,''
''I'm not yours to take care of Steve,'' Hayley told him simply.
Pursing his lips, Steve stood in the living room as Hayley walked out, wondering if he should go and stop her. But Hayley was right. Steve couldn't step in and tell her how to deal with this, he couldn't stop her from doing whatever she needed to do to get through this. She wasn't Steve's.
Hayley took deep breaths as she walked down the busy streets of New York, not only to soothe the pains she felt in her ribs with every step, but to really convince herself she was here. No longer in Russia, no longer being watched by henchmen, no longer under threat. This was her home, she was safe. That's what she had to keep telling herself.
The whole time she walked she thought over her little argument with Steve, wishing she could convey what she was feeling into words. Maybe then he would see that she didn't want him to make her feel better, she didn't want to be convinced she wasn't the bad guy in all of this, she just needed time.
''Ma'am?''
Hayley turned at the sudden voice at her side, her heart running wild, to see a man smiling at her on the side of the pavement. In his hand was a flyer about an environmental rally, extended toward her politely.
''O-oh,'' Hayley breathed, reaching out to accept it.
The man began handing more out to others on the street as Hayley took a few more steps up the street, stopping by a phone booth to calm herself down. All she needed was a few deep breaths. But when her eyes veered off to the tiny corner liquor store, she immediately felt she needed something else. Something she swore she wouldn't depend on ever again, but something she knew would work.