Measure After Measure
The front door creaked open, shattering the stillness, but Sam refused to turn around and acknowledge that she was no longer alone. She didn't trust herself to be around others at the moment and a part of her hoped that whoever was joining her would change their mind once they realized how unwelcome their presence was. She should have known ignoring them wouldn't be enough to dissuade them though; the only people it could possibly be were four of the most stubborn, persistent individuals she'd ever met.
Unfazed by the frosty welcome, her visitor crossed the porch and settled on the step beside her.
"Hey," he said quietly.
Daniel. Faithful, rock steady, loyal to a fault, Daniel.
"Don't," she warned, the word hissing through gritted teeth.
He was so easy to hurt because he wore his heart on his sleeve. Sam knew all the things to say that would get under his skin, push him away and break his heart; she couldn't talk to him now without running the risk of doing irreparable harm to their friendship.
As usual, Daniel paid no heed to the warning, plowing ahead as if she hadn't just risked their entire relationship simply by opening her mouth. "Cassandra told us what happened. Did you have another…"
"I yelled at her, Daniel. I lost my temper, plain and simple." The sympathy and concern in his voice made her heart skip a beat. She didn't deserve it, didn't deserve him or any of the others. Not now that Adrian Conrad had succeeded in turning her into such a callous, cruel person. The kind who lashed out at whomever was nearby with no regard for how badly she hurt them.
Remembering the look on Cassandra's face when she'd snapped made her feel sick. Fighting down the nausea clawing up her throat, she hugged her arms to her stomach and curled around them. He had to go; Sam had to make him leave before she could put a similar expression on his face.
"She doesn't know what happened," Daniel reminded. "Janet told her you were kidnapped again and Cass assumes it was for information. She thinks you were just pumped for intel for a few days and because you asked us not to tell her the truth, nobody's bothered to correct her."
Daniel might have appeared to be oblivious to the 'leave me alone' vibes she was giving off, but in reality, he was well aware of what was going through her head. Her face was an open book to him, one he could read as easily as any of the ancient tomes he had squirreled away in his office. He could see how afraid she was of hurting him, of losing control and driving away the only people she trusted enough to lean on when her whole world seemed to be falling apart around her, but he resolved not to let her, no matter what. Nothing Sam could say or do would ever be able to hurt him as much as she was hurting right now; he would be there for her, no matter how difficult she made it.
"She doesn't need to know," Sam stated firmly. She still refused to look at him, afraid of what she might see. A part of her was worried that she'd hurt Cassandra so badly that even if the teen forgave her, Janet and the rest of SG-1 never would. Seeing confirmation of that in Daniel's eyes was more than she could take at the moment, so Sam decided not to risk it.
"Janet thinks she does, and the rest of us agree," Daniel argued calmly. "She's a smart girl, Sam. It's only a matter of time until she figures it out, if she hasn't already."
"She's just a kid." The last thing she wanted was to destroy the final shreds of Cassandra's childhood. To shatter the promise that she was safe on Earth by revealing the possible future awaiting the teen if she wasn't careful enough, didn't guard her secret closely enough.
"She's not 'just a kid'; Cassandra hasn't been 'just a kid' since the day Nirti laid hands on her," Daniel said patiently. He knew Sam knew this already, but it wouldn't do any good if he let his frustration show, so he buried it deep. This conversation wasn't about him – in truth, it was about Sam even more than it was about Cassandra – and throwing his own emotions into the mix would only further complicate things.
"I can't tell her, Daniel. I won't." Sam shook her head, as if to rid herself of the idea before it could take root. "You can't ask me to do that to her, to take away the rest of her innocence. It would make me no better than Nirti."
"It's not the same…"
"It is!" Sam insisted passionately. Finally, she turned to face him. She didn't care what she saw in his eyes; she had to make him understand. The sooner he got it, the sooner he'd leave. "Nirti ripped away Cassandra's belief that Hanka was a safe place, and now you're asking me to do the same when it comes to Earth!"
"Earth isn't safe, not if she isn't careful. She already knows that."
Janet along with all four members of SG-1 had made certain Cassandra understood the dangers that life on Earth posed to run-of-the-mill, everyday Earth kids; they'd been determined not to let her naïveté about life on their planet be the little girl's downfall. Lectures about looking both ways before crossing the street and never talking to strangers had been reiterated until Cassandra had understood that Earth could provide a safe environment for her to grow up in, so long as she was cautious.
As far as Daniel and the others were concerned, people wanting to get their hands on her for nefarious purposes was just one more thing Cassandra needed to be cautious about.
Sam knew he had a point, but she refused to admit it out loud. "I won't do it."
"Fine," Daniel said, the word passing his lips on a rush of air. Even as he signaled surrender and got to his feet, he made one final bid to change her mind. "But think about how you're going to feel if what happened to you ever happens to Cassie and you never talked to her about it, never warned her about the danger. Do you think you could live with the guilt and regret? Because I don't think you could, Sam, and that would hurt Cassandra more than anything you said or did this evening."
He watched her process his words, watched as they slowly penetrated the blanket of guilt and self-hatred that Sam had shrouded herself in. Daniel knew he'd gotten through to her when her shoulders sagged and her head dropped; her whole body seemed to buckle under the weight of the realization that he was right. His mission accomplished, Daniel turned to head back inside, granting her the time she needed to sort her thoughts out.
Sam let him get as far as opening the door before giving voice to the question that had been churning her stomach this whole time. "Will she even talk to me?"
She hated how small her voice sounded, how it seemed to get lost in the descending twilight.
"It's what she wants more than anything."
That one simple sentence brought her more relief than she'd ever thought possible; it felt impossibly good to know that Cassandra didn't hate her like Sam hated herself. Suddenly filled with hope that maybe she hadn't done as much to harm to her relationship with the teen as she'd first thought, Sam twisted around to look at Daniel.
"Talk to her, Sam," he urged, making his way back over to her.
She wanted to, but there was one lingering fear that kept her rooted to the spot.
"She shouldn't have grabbed my arm like that. I could have…" Sam trailed off because the list was long and she wasn't sure which possibility frightened her more: that Cassie could have inadvertently triggered another flashback, or that she might have lashed out and hurt the teen.
Daniel understood the things she wasn't saying, understood how hard it was for her to admit just how much the thought of another flashback scared her. Using the most soothing tone he could muster, he said, "She knows that now. Janet and Jack explained some things to her, and she understands why you reacted the way you did."
That made one of them. Maybe Cassandra would be willing to explain it to her.
"How do I tell her without scaring her?" And there it was, the question she'd been wrestling with for days.
"I don't know," Daniel said honestly. He wished he had an answer, or speaking notes she could work from, anything to make this easier for her. But he didn't, because as much as he'd listened in the last few days, as much as he'd seen the changes in her, he could never fully grasp what she'd been through; even Sam herself didn't really understand it.
"What if I mess this up?' Sam barely breathed the words, fearing that asking the question aloud was as good as tempting fate.
"You won't. Not if you're honest with her," Daniel said confidently. He extended a hand, offering to help her to her feet, but there was still so much uncertainty in her eyes, he wasn't entirely sure she would take it.
"And honest with myself," she murmured, echoing the words she'd heard several times in the last few days.
Her mind made up, she grasped his hand and allowed him to pull her to her feet.
oOoOoOoOoOo
Seated on one end of the couch, Sam kept her hands clasped in her lap to stop them from shaking with nerves. She forced herself to take deep breaths, trying to calm the butterflies in her stomach that felt as though they were slowly morphing into a squadron of dog-fighting death gliders with each second that passed.
She didn't turn when the glass door out to the yard slid open, nor when it closed again. It wasn't until Cassandra moved to stand in front of her, looking as anxious as Sam felt, that she let her eyes take in the girl's tear streaked face and red rimmed eyes. A fresh wave of guilt washed over her, but she forced it down; there would be time to wallow in her own misery later. Right now, she needed to focus on making things right with Cassandra.
"I'm sorry for losing my temper earlier," Sam apologized, earnest and from the heart. She regretted her lapse in self-control more than words could ever express, but she owed it to the teen to at least try. "I shouldn't have snapped at you; there's no excuse for that."
"It's my fault… I grabbed you," Cassandra rebuffed, shaking her head. She blinked rapidly to keep a fresh batch of tears from falling, feeling terrible about what her thoughtless actions might have forced the older woman to endure. "I'm sorry, Sam, I didn't know…"
"I didn't want you to know," Sam interrupted as she got to her feet. She blew out a shaky breath before adding, "It wasn't your fault, kiddo."
"You forgive me?" She'd wanted to believe it would be as easy to earn Sam's forgiveness as her mom and the men of SG-1 had insisted it would be, but a part of her had been expecting Sam to blow her off.
Keeping her voice calm and gentle, she said, "There's nothing to forgive, Cass, I swear." This was the last thing Sam had expected, to be standing here fielding apologies instead of offering them.
The next second, Sam found herself with an armful of teary-eyed teenage girl. A pair of arms snaked around her waist and squeezed as hard as they could, confirming that as far as the teen was concerned, all was forgiven. Relieved that she had so easily made amends for her lapse in self-control, Sam held her tight. Not for the first time, she was grateful that Cassie was mature beyond her years and not inclined to hold a grudge.
Hiding her face in Sam's shoulder, Cassie tried to calm down. As soon as Jack had started explaining what flashbacks were really like, she'd felt awful for not listening to the repeated warnings to be a little more subdued than usual around her favorite aunt. The thought that she might have inadvertently forced Sam to relive even a single second of her kidnapping made her want to throw up. Still, even though she hated the idea of bringing it up, especially so soon after Sam had forgiven her, there was still one question Cassandra needed an answer to.
"Mom and Uncle Jack explained flashbacks to me. They said you'd had a few since you came back… Did I…?"
"No," Sam said firmly. She rubbed a soothing hand between Cassie's shoulder blades, trying to settle her down. "You didn't trigger one."
"Good." She still felt bad about upsetting Sam, but she felt a lot better knowing she hadn't caused her to relive a bad experience.
Sam forced herself to relax. She didn't allow herself to dwell on thoughts of what Janet and Jack might have revealed in trying to help Cassandra understand what was going on because it didn't really matter any more; Daniel had already convinced her to tell Cassie the truth, and what the others may have let slip was inconsequential at this point.
"I hear you've been pestering your mom to learn more about what happened," Sam said quietly as she smoothed a hand over the teen's hair.
"Yeah."
A deep breath helped strengthen her resolve before Sam said, "If you still want to know, I'll tell you."
"You don't have to," Cassandra said quickly, pulling away so she could study Sam's face. "I know enough to know it was pretty bad. You don't have to talk about it."
"It's okay," Sam assured, feeling strangely calm. "I want to."
Here she was, poised to share the whole, terrible ordeal in full and her heart wasn't racing, she didn't feel sick to her stomach. Right here, right now, it wasn't about her; it was about preparing the precious young woman before her for the danger she faced because she was from another planet, because she was a survivor of not one but two Goa'uld atrocities. For her own sake, Sam hadn't been able to open up much, but for Cassandra, she would do whatever it took to prepare her for what might lie ahead.
Reclaiming her seat on the couch, Sam took a fortifying breath and waited for Cassandra to get comfortable. She didn't let the weight of the teen's eyes make her feel anxious or self-conscious. It was important that she choose her words carefully because even though she was determined to be honest, there was a way to do it without frightening Cassie and that was the only acceptable way for the conversation to go.
Slowly but surely, she let the words she'd been holding in for so long fall from her lips. She explained how she'd been grabbed in broad daylight, just feet from a busy street. How no amount of training or strength on her part could have bested her abductors' superior numbers.
She spoke of fleeting recollections of waking up surrounded by strangers claiming to be helping her, but who hadn't been able to look her in the eye as they rattled off the lie. Of knowing she was in danger but being helpless to escape.
She glossed over the Q and A sessions, the endless rounds of injections, the battery of medical tests, acknowledging that they had happened, that they had been the main motivation behind abducting her, but sparing Cassandra the horrific details.
For every word she spoke, there were ten more she didn't say and Sam added those to the list of things she needed to confess to MacKenzie during her next session.
When she reached the end, the odd tear tracing down each set of cheeks, Sam stressed the importance of continuing to fight, no matter how badly the odds were stacked against you, of holding out hope until your final breath, of trusting that help was on the way. After a few moments of indecision, she confessed that her struggles, though they had seemed utterly futile at the time, had bought Jack those few precious seconds he needed to make it to her, to save her from certain death.
It was her story, describing the latest nightmare she'd survived, but Sam told it as a cautionary tale, warning Cassandra of the dangers in ever letting her guard down, of giving in or giving up, of losing faith in the people that loved her.
"You think it could happen to me one day," Cassandra observed quietly, once all was said and done. She'd hung off every word, unconsciously committing every lesson to memory, lest she need them one day.
"Yes," Sam replied honestly. She hated that she had to shatter the illusion of safety on Earth for the child that had already had to grow up far too quickly, but Daniel was right: if Cassie ever found herself in a similar situation and they'd never had this discussion, Sam knew she wouldn't have been able to live with the regret, the guilt, or the self-loathing.
"Okay," Cassandra said slowly, thinking it over as she wiped drying tears away. Then, taking Sam completely by surprise, she asked, "Are you okay?"
"That's it? Just 'okay?'" Sam blinked at her, befuddled. She'd envisioned several different ways that the conversation might end, but this certainly hadn't been one of them.
"I've overheard enough over the years to know that the NID try to do some awful things to aliens, Sam. It makes sense that they wouldn't be the only ones who view someone like me as something to be studied," the teen explained, sneaking glances at the older woman from beneath her bangs. Her fingers plucked at a stray thread from the hem of her shirt, providing a much-needed distraction from the disbelieving look she was getting. "I'm not surprised to learn I might one day wind up on someone's radar."
"And you're okay with that?" She couldn't keep incredulity from creeping into her voice, nor could she ignore the unease that balled up in the pit of her stomach.
Awful things to aliens…
"No," she scoffed, "But there's not much anybody can do about it." Cassandra raised her head and shook the hair out of her eyes, meeting Sam's gaze. "If they ever kidnap me, I just need to hold on as long as I can. You'll find me in the end, the same way the others found you, right?"
Such faith in her, in her ability to protect, to save the day, to come through; it brought fresh tears to Sam's eyes.
"Absolutely," she swore. It was a promise Sam knew she would keep, no matter what it cost her. Then, still in awe over the teen's easy acceptance of the truth, she said, "You're pretty amazing, you know that?"
"I had a great role model," Cassie replied sincerely as a shy smile lit her features.
Then, with all the enthusiasm she'd had when Earth and all it had to offer were still new, she lunged across the couch for a hug. She was gentle – this time bearing in mind the many warnings she'd received to that effect over the course of the day – but she also held on tight, sensing that this time it was Sam who needed comforting. Kneeling on the couch allowed Cassie to rest her chin on Sam's shoulder, and she made the most of the rare opportunity; she was too short to manage it when standing.
Then, remembering that she hadn't gotten an answer the first time she'd asked, Cassandra quietly repeated, "Are you okay?"
The lie was right on the tip of Sam's tongue, ready to fall from her lips as it had so many times in the past few days. But Cassandra didn't deserve a lie; she deserved better in return for her unconditional love and unwavering faith in Sam's ability to fix anything and right even the worst injustices.
"No," Sam finally admitted. "I'm not okay, not yet. But I will be."
"Yes, you will," Cassandra murmured, squeezing tight. "Because you're brave. We're both very brave."
It shouldn't have felt so good, shouldn't have buoyed Sam's spirits so much to hear the words she'd offered to a terrified little girl repeated back to her years later, but it did. Cassandra was right; she would be all right because she was brave, could face her fears and work through them without letting them define her life, her world. She would do it because the teenager in her arms believed she would. Would do it because if Cassandra could embrace life after surviving the death of her entire world, she could certainly survive a little battered self-confidence and shaken faith in people.
"We are both very brave," Sam agreed quietly, running her fingers through the teen's long hair. "But I had a great role model."