I Remember Love

A Becoming Jane-story

By: jakeline

Summary: The story begins after the opera, the year is 1814, Jane and Tom have met again. They begin questioning their actions and choices in the past (i.e. from the time they met in 1795 and forward).This is what could have happened if the movie had not ended.

Disclaimer: I do not own Jane Austen, Tom Lefroy or any other character in this story. Facts are taken from the Becoming Jane Fansite.

Author's note: Thank you for all your kind words and wishes on our marriage. I am now Mrs A and couldn't be happier!

Part 37: In which Tom is finding his way back

"I better go back to Mr Lefroy," said Jane Austen as soon as she had finished her tea. Mr and Mrs Phelps nodded in agreement. The snow kept on falling and they were now completely snowed in. They would not be able to get out even if they wanted to before daylight. It was too dangerous to try it now even if the intensity of the snowfall had slowed down.

Jane hoped that the weather was not as bad in Limerick, though they children would most probably see it as a very exiting adventure to be snowed in; Jane did not want to worry about them too. She hurried back towards the drawing room, realising she had been gone quite some time. Anything could have happened in that time. Jane's chest filled with distress again. They were not going to be able to leave the house until morning and nobody would know where they were, only that they had not reached the inn as planned. If messengers were sent out to contact her and Tom's family they would be worried. Hopefully some clever soul would think of coming to Carrigglas to see if they were there. Jane prayed for that scenario. She wondered how long it would take until someone realised they were missing.

"Jane?" Tom's voice echoed through the hallway. Jane picked up her pace and hurried to the drawing room where she found Tom sitting up.

"Tom! You are awake!" cried she and hurried over to his side. "And sitting up."

"Where were you?" asked Tom with an accusative tone in his voice.

"I went to talk to Mr and Mrs Phelps about our situation and your condition," replied Jane and kneeled down beside him. She gently took his face in her hands, inspecting his eyes, then feeling his pulse and forehead. "Everything seems normal," she murmured. "How are you feeling?"

"Fatigued and I still cannot remember anything but you," replied Tom with furrowed brow. The accusing tone had been replaced by a more fearful one.

"You do not remember anything at all, or just your fall?" asked Jane cautiously.

"It is most vexing, because I know it is there, just out of grasp," replied Tom. "The oddest thing is that I do not feel hurt."

"I know. We have not been able to find any explanation either." Tom's blue eyes filled with tears. Jane caressed his cheek. "As soon as daylight comes Mr Phelps will fetch a physician. But until then we cannot do anything but wait. We are snowed in."

-xxx-

Tom tried hard to remember something other than Jane. There were vague faces without names. Children? His and Jane's children? But why did he have a wedding band when she did not? What was Jane to him? He knew that he loved her and that she loved him. He felt completely safe with her. She was the only thing that made sense at the moment.

He thanked the Lord that she was there. Jane was his beacon in the haze that surrounded him. As long as she was there he knew he would be fine. Then something in his mind craved attention. A memory? A wife? Was he married to someone that was not Jane? Tom's brow furrowed as he tried to bring the memory forth. A death? Just as he was sure he could remember, the image was gone.

"Tom?" Jane sounded worried. He realised he probably had a funny look on his face as he concentrated on remembering.

"I thought I remembered something," said he.

"What was it?" asked Jane.

"I cannot remember. Just as I thought I had it, it was gone."

"Oh, Tom," cried Jane and took him in her arms. "It will come back to you, I am sure of it." He could hear that she was worried. Tom chose not to ask about their relationship just then. That would only make it worse, he knew that much.

Apart from the memory loss he felt just fine. Perhaps a bit hungry.

"I am actually feeling a bit hungry," said he.

"I will go fetch you something right away," said Jane and rose.

"If that would not be too much to ask," said Tom. He needed some time alone.

"Not at all," Jane sounded offended. Tom did not mean to offend her, of course she would do anything to make him feel better. But he did not want her to think he took her for granted. He cold not help it, for some reason the love he felt for her felt forbidden. Tom wished he knew why.

Jane looked tired as she walked out the door in direction of what must be the kitchen. When she was gone Tom fell down on the pillows that were propped up under his body, feeling utterly exhausted. He was worried. He could see in Jane's eyes that she was too. Soon he fell into restless sleep, disturbed by faces that he could not recognise and voices he could not remember. Nothing made sense.

-xxx-

Jane's stomach was in a hard knot. She did not like this one bit. Tom looked at her with different eyes. She knew it was not his fault, but it scared her. If only she could help. She felt utterly exhausted. She needed to sleep.

Mr and Mrs Phelps followed her back to the drawing room with tea and sandwiches for Tom. The weather finally seemed to be clearing up, but it was still dark. Tom was lying down with his eyes closed when she returned with Mr and Mrs Phelps. Jane fell down by his side and whispered his name. But there was no response. Tom seemed restless and tossed and turned in his sleep, murmuring incoherent words.

Mrs Phelps put down the kettle by the fire and the sandwiches on the little table while her husband knelt beside Tom and Jane.

"There is still no change, Mr Phelps," said Jane. She had told them about Tom's continued lack of memory on their way back from the kitchen.

"I still cannot understand what is causing the memory loss, Miss Austen," said Mr Phelps. "It is most vexing!"

"Yes," said Jane and looked down at Tom's face. She caressed his forehead. "I just hope he will be fine eventually."

"It is only a few hours till dawn, I will take my horse as soon as there is enough light, Miss Austen," said Mr Phelps. "Do try to get some rest."

"I will try, Mr Phelps," promised Jane although she knew it was impossible for her to sleep before she knew Tom was out of danger. Mr and Mrs Phelps left her to herself once again. She could see their tired eyes and hope they at least could find the calmness to get a few hours of sleep.

Tom stirred again and Jane returned her focus on him. His eyelids fluttered but he remained asleep. Jane poured herself a cop of tea and put some more logs on the fire before settling down next to Tom again. Her mind was trying to think of something that could explain what Tom was going through, but she came up with nothing. If only time could move faster and day light would be upon them. Then Mr Phelps would go and fetch a physician who hopefully could find an answer to the mystery.

Jane's eyelids grew heavier and soon she too fell into a restless sleep, filled with images of a Tom that did not remember his own children or her. Dreams that once again forced her to leave Tom.

-xxx-

"Jane, I'm yours, I'm yours heart and soul!" he breathed out the words as they hid themselves amongst the trees. Tom reached for the young lady by his side, feeling utterly and completely in love. The kiss she had just placed on his lips told him that she felt the same. His heart was near explosion with emotion. "Much good that is."

"Let me decide that," breathed she as she kissed his hand. He drew her near and then deeper into the shadows as some guests came closer.

"What will we do?"

"What we must," whispered Jane as she kissed him once again.

Tom woke up with a start. The memory had been vivid. He had been young again. He could almost taste the kiss on his lips. He sat up and looked around. Jane was sleeping next to him, stirring slightly as he sat up. He felt triumphant. He had remembered something from his past. A past with Jane. But what of the future? What had happened after that joyous night by the pond? What had his uncle said? Tom could not remember.

The fire was dying so he rose carefully as not to wake Jane and put on some more logs on the fire. He felt the kettle that was placed beside the fireplace and found it lukewarm, it would have to do. He poured himself a cup and on the table he found the sandwiches and ate with great appetite. He felt famished. Jane looked very peaceful and he let her sleep. She had looked so tired before. The food lifted his spirits and he went to the window to look outside. He still was not sure what this house was.

The sun was slowly rising on the horizon, showing off a landscape completely white. A thick cover of snow was on the ground and the trees. He fought a sudden urge to run out and throw himself in the snow as he had when he was little. The first snow was always magical. He smiled. Another memory. This was better. He remembered the little house in Limerick, his mother and father and brothers and sisters. Happy memories.

Tom did not feel as worried as more memories came into his head. Most of which Jane was not a part of. He remembered he had children of his own, a wife. At least he thought he had a wife. But he could not figure out why he was here with Jane and not his wife. Tom was sure Jane was not the one he had married. But he still could not remember what had happened after that night by the pond and why he had married someone else.

-TBC-

Of course I cannot let Tom loose his memory! ;)