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"'D'you know what happens when you hurt people?' Ammu said. 'When you hurt people, they begin to love you less. That's what careless words do. They make people love you a little less.'"

- Arundhati Roy, The God of Small Things

37

Readjusting to life in the aftermath of Renee's death was an odd experience. It felt like we'd already done this part and been these people. The short time frame between two sudden deaths seemed to make the responses heightened and the process more surreal. I was looking forward to the time when a doubly sorrowful look of pity didn't cross people's faces when they saw me. It was inherently worse than the singly sorrowful one. Those who were closer to us lost that look as soon as they realized that we hadn't lost the plot and become unfamiliar zombies after burying two immediate family members.

I clung to Charlie's existence in my life even more than I had before. I'd go to the house and sit as close as I could to him while he was watching television, or watch him in the kitchen as he heated up his dinner, or listen to him even more attentively as he told me about work or Sue or fishing. We had always been close so it wouldn't have appeared any different to him, but in my head I was absorbing everything about my dad, building my memory bank for a day when memories were all I had.

Despite these little anomalies, I finally felt like each day I was becoming a bit stronger. Finally. Day by day, my shoulders opened up rather than being closed down into my body in defeat and protection. My eyes lost a glint of darkness and started to look more familiar in the mirror. The dark circles around them lightened, my cheeks got some color back and the corners of my mouth didn't feel burdened when I smiled. My heart was the biggest change. Where it was once so obvious in my chest for it's lackluster weight, it began to feel like the corner of it that had been brightened by my love for Edward was spreading and infiltrating the rest of its broken mass.

All of these changes made being with Edward that much freer. I almost felt like I was being gradually liberated. The "normal" I had wanted with him came to us week by week, only it wasn't "normal", it was brilliant. I made him laugh. I made him smirk, smile and grin like a fool. I made him sigh in contentment. I made him moan in pleasure. The fact that I could do all of that was simple bliss. My sense of humor, my passion…it was a glimpse again of Bella "before." I couldn't wait for it to be so much more than just a glimpse.

The morphing of me and of our relationship had us even more magnetized. We found ourselves trying to let it be new and progressive, rather than succumbing constantly to the mad desire to be together whenever we had the chance. I was about done with progressive and wanted to throw caution to the wind. It was like gravity between us; something we couldn't fight. When you couldn't get enough of something so good, what was the point of holding back?

"How do I do it, Bella?" Alice asked, breaking me from my reverie. My cheeks felt flushed, a familiar side effect of thinking about Edward.

We were sitting in the park with Ben and Jasper's niece, who was trying to help him build a castle in the sandpit. He was still more at the sand-eating stage, but her attempts were sweet. Little Olivia was staying with them for the weekend.

"Do what?" I asked.

"How do I be a mom and not turn out like ours did?"

Her words didn't shock me because I'd thought them plenty of times myself.

"How do you not fuck-up your kids and have them dislike you and talk about you behind your back?" she added.

I laughed a little. Wasn't that the million-dollar question?

"Do you think if every mother or father in the world thought that becoming their parents was a given, that the population would still be growing? We make our own way, Ali, even if they did create us. You're not Renee, and she wasn't the norm. Of every person we know, I can't think of another mother even remotely like her. You'll be all her good parts and even more of your own. You'll learn from her mistakes and your hurts, but you'll also know what's too much, what's not enough, and when to stand back."

She knew deep down I was right. It was still scary, though, and even people with the most stable upbringing needed a little reassurance.

"You know how I know?" We weren't looking at each other; Ben's giggles at Olivia had diverted our eyes. "Because you did a damn fine job raising me, and I wouldn't have had it any other way, or traded you for any mother on the planet."

She took my hand on the park bench and we watched as Olivia helped Ben over the lip of the sandpit and encouraged him to chase her through the grass. His little legs were getting steadier with each day that passed. Maybe mine and Alice's were, too.

"Besides. If you do happen to suck, the kid will have a kick ass auntie to moan about you to."

I squeezed her hand and she pulled me against her playfully, coming to rest against my shoulder. One sister was a shit load better than none. I'd thank my lucky stars every day for Alice.