Hi people, here we are with the XXXIV chapter! The other day I re-read the first chapter. I wanted to cry. How could I be so bad at writing? It has passed only a year since then! But what worries me more is that I'm probably still horrible at writing in English! I'm depressed… I know: I'm boring you to no end with my crisis of depression, but I am this annoying even in real life so think of yourself as lucky because you don't live in the same city I do! ^^ Ok, now I have exaggerated… Maybe…
Still, enough with my mental crap and go on with the chapter!
DISCLAIMER: I don't own DGM. If I had innocent people like Allen would have never existed because my characters are all twisted ^^" (Author: "No, Cassandra dear, I didn't mean you're twisted, really, please don't call Sokaro! Don't kill me! - Author dies - Cassandra IS actually twisted -)
Soundtrack for this chapter:
The "Jubilee" album by Versailles, all of it, and
"Mad about you" by Sting
"Bad romance" by lady Gaga
CHAPTER XXXIV—UNFORTUNATE MISSION
Headquarters of the Crow section, morning
After another sleepless night, the last in a series or many others, Link seated in a corner of the room which had been his once, before he had started working at the "Walker case". It was a very simple room with white walls and a bed of white wood as its only furniture. The floor of equally white marble was covered in dust, but Link couldn't care less: he had more important maters to deal with.
The general impression the room gave was simply… white. It communicated an idea of emptiness and distance which suited very well a member of the Crow. Link had loved that room once, the perfect order which reigned in that surreal world, an illusion of purity, and the transparency of such a place where nothing could be hidden. Now the inspector found himself hating that space.
Someone knocked at the door of the room but Link didn't care to answer or maybe he didn't hear it in the first place. It has been all day that people of lower rank than him came to compliment him for his accomplished mission. They said things as:
"Good work, Link-san, as always", or "You're great, a model for us all!"
They were expression of genuine admiration that the Inspector was used to hear and they usually didn't disturb him (he was the first ranked among the Crows after all and it was only normal for the younger members to wish to imitate him), but this time was different.
This time things just didn't feel right.
But how could they be? Allen had been arrested all of a sudden, without any proof against him, and he- Link- could do nothing to avoid it, because he had known nothing of what was going to happen until a special squad had broken inside Allen's room with a signed document which authorized them to arrest the exorcist. Link's protests had no value. What was the meaning of being the first ranked among the Crows if his opinion about the case he was following meant nothing at all?
Link wanted to feel angry, more than angry, furious, but he couldn't: he was too hurt to feel anything else. He was hurt because Allen, his friend, his "personal saint", the person he had learnt to love, had been captured and would have probably been killed soon, but that wasn't all. At the end things had gone as his pessimism had predicted long ago: he hadn't been able to do anything for Allen while the boy had revolutionized everything in his life, but that wasn't the only reason why he felt hurt.
What was really driving him mad in that moment, what had hurt him the most, was that Leverrier had told him nothing. The Commandant had signed the document which allowed Allen's arrest and had said nothing to Link. And yet he had known how Allen was an important person to him! Why hadn't he advised him of what would have happened? Could it be that Leverrier hadn't trusted Link? Could it be that the French had doubted his loyalty and thought him able to betray him? He, Link, who had dedicated his whole life to please Leverrier?
The mere possibility that such a scenario could be true was enough to drive the Inspector crazy. Had he wasted his life dedicating it to a man who hadn't been able to recognize the undying loyalty Link felt towards him? All the effort he had made to become the best and serve him, had it been useless? The inspector couldn't accept it and yet he didn't know what he should do. (Author: is that expression correct in English? I have some doubt… Please correct me if there is bad grammar in the chapter!)
Had he to remain there pretending that everything was alright? Or should he had gone visiting Allen? The boy surely felt miserable in that moment and he should have gone seeing him the sooner even if he wasn't sure the guards would allow him… but there was also a third option and it was this option which tempted the Inspector the most in that moment. He could go asking Leverrier what was the truth.
He was dying to do so, but was it ok with him doing such a thing? He feared the moment he would have to face the Commandant, he feared both his answer and his silence, but he had to do it: just waiting and doing nothing had never resolved things. If he wanted an answer, he just had to go there and ask his question; he didn't want to stay in silence and kept within him the diffidence and the sorrow Leverrier's behaviour had created inside him for fear that those feelings would destroy their bond one day.
That's why Link stood tall and directed his quick paces towards the Commandant office.
While walking he didn't allow himself to think about what could happen for fear to loose his courage, but when his right hand knocked soundly on the impressive door he felt all the fear of before coming back.
"Come in." Leverrier deep voice ordered and Link obeyed, as always. He obeyed as he had always done and always would do if only he was given the chance to. He entered ignoring the tremor of his hands shaking uncharacteristically. But once he was in he doubted his eyes: was the man staring back at him really his beloved Commandant?
Leverrier could be loved or hated, but he was always respected because he was fierce, determinate, always on the first line. He never redrew, never hesitate, he always struggled till the very end, never surrendering. One could appreciate his work or think of him as a bastard who had to be killed as a rabid dog, but no-one could avoid feeling some amount of respect towards him. You're wondering why I'm saying such things now? Because Link could hardly recognize the person in front of him in that description.
Leverrier eyes were red and wide as if he was under the effects of some drug , his gaze was anxious as it wandered restlessly in the room and his hands were trembling slightly. Dark, deep shadows underlined his tired eyes.
"Commandant?" Link greeted him hesitant as if he had some difficulty recognizing him. As soon as his eyes met those of his subordinate Leverrier showed a sorrowful expression and for a moment the Inspector believed he was going to cry. The Commandant didn't answer to his greeting, but said instead:
"I knew you'd have come." There was an apologetic smile on his face as he was saying so, something so unlike him! He was the wild man who never regretted, never forgave, never apologized no matter what, but there was no trace of such a person in him now.
"What happened to you, Commandant?" Link asked as his worry overcame the anger.
"Nothing much." He answered with an half smile, "That's just what three days without sleeping can do to a man who's turning old." Link didn't know what to say and, before he could think of a delicate way to ask more, Leverrier continued:
"What about you, Link?" he asked instead in that confidential way which usually made the Inspector so happy, "I hurt you terribly, didn't I?" he paused for a moment, but Link was too slow to deny it before he started talking again: "I won't say that I'm sorry or that I regret it, I won't apologize," the Commandant declared fiercely though the tiredness, "it would be stupid and, more than this, it would be a lie for I'd do it once again if I had the chance, but… I'm sorry to have hurt you Link-kun."
The Inspector's heart stopped for a second. Since when had Leverrier become considerate towards his subordinate? He never was, but Link didn't doubt a word of what he had said for the Commandant he knew would never lie, no matter what, he'd have stated the truth in all his cruelty, mercilessly. So, if the Commandant had said he was sorry for having hurt him, it was true and Link was stupidly happy that he had thought of him as something more than a mere subordinate for even a second. It was enough.
"Don't misunderstand me," Leverrier said immediately after, "I'm not apologizing, I don't think to have done anything wrong, I'm just saying I'm sorry you have to suffer for all this."
"Don't worry about me, my Commandant" Link answered with the usual loyalty and sincerity.
"I do not worry," Leverrier explained, "it'd been useless to worry, I know you're stronger than this, but I still hurt you, didn't I?" Link was silent for a second and then almost shouted:
"Why didn't you tell me, Commandant? Didn't you trust me?" He had finally said it! The question which was driving him crazy: he had said it! Leverrier eyes widened in response as if he hadn't expected that question, but something else:
"That's all you have to ask me?"
"Yes, it is." Was the immediate response.
"I never doubted you, Link-kun. It just happened all of a sudden. It wasn't me who ordered Walker's arrest. I just had to sign the permission and take all the blame on myself." The French explained and there was a strange shade of kindness in his voice, something the Inspector had never heard before. Link felt so relieved that he wanted to cry, but he worked hard to suppress his feelings.
"I received a letter two days ago: it was a direct order of the Pope. I had to arrest Allen Walker that very night without telling anything to anyone. It had to look like he had vanished. No-one but the Crow had to know the truth about his disappearance. I didn't have the time to advise you, Link-kun. I shocked you that much?"
"No, my Commandant," The Inspector lied with a half-voice, "Whatever you decide is fine with me: I'll follow your orders at any costs. I've always followed you and always will, personal matters won't stop me. Whatever you decide is right to my eyes." Link confessed and it was all true. He could try to convince Leverrier to change his decisions, but if his attempts failed, he knew, he would follow him regardless of anything else. He had always existed only for that man: Malcom C. Leverrier.
"Whatever I decide is right to your eyes?" the French asked kindly, "Are you sure of it?"
"I am."
After Link's response there was a brief silence. Leverrier was thinking.
"I thought so once," the Commandant confessed tiredly from the other side of the desk, "I honestly thought that I'd follow his orders my whole life, but then… I began to doubt. Tell me, Link-kun, if you were to find out something horrible, if you were to discover that the man you serve probably is more of a devil than your enemies, what would you do?" he asked with real interest. The Inspector felt his eyes staring back at him expecting a response. Link wondered what he should answer and at the end he decided to spoke the truth:
"There are cases where right or wrong means little. Sometimes all that matters is if we love this person. If we do, it may happen that we can't care less if he's right or wrong, we want to support him and protect him the same because we would be ready to face everything for him, even the depths of Hell if it was the case. But if we don't like that person, then right and wrong assume great importance and we base our decision on them."
Leverrier laughed: "Well said! That's absolutely true, Link-kun, but don't say it out loud: people here would kill you if the were to hear you because following your reasoning one could really end up serving a demon!"
"I'm sorry if I spoke too much, Commandant." Link excused himself.
"No, it's all right: you gave me the honest answer I wanted." Leverrier smiled mischievously, then added: "One last question Link-kun: what would you do if two people you love were to fight each other as enemies?" there was a sad light in the Commandant eyes, but Link was tempted to smile: he had understood! Leverrier had understood perfectly in what kind of situation the Inspector was and didn't blame him for it!
"I still haven't find an answer, my Commandant, all I can say is that it is difficult. Very difficult. It's hard not to betray ourselves and those persons we love at the same time." He confessed. Leverrier nodded in agreement. He seemed a little more himself now: his hands weren't shaking anymore and his gaze had regained a little of the determinate, cruel light they possessed.
There was a long moment of silence when Link didn't have anything to say and Leverrier wasn't sure if he had to speak what was in his mind. At the end the French broke the silence with a low, confidential voice:
"I've discovered something very particular Link-kun. Something which is destroying all my ancient beliefs. I'm reading the memories of a person who witnessed to the very origins of the Order and then disappeared, a person who knew more than any of us about what the Order and the Noahs are."
"He knows that you have such a thing?" Link asked.
"Of course not. If the Pope knew I'm reading such a thing he would take it away from me and destroy it, but I can't allow it. It would be too cruel. They made her body disappear, they cancelled every trace of her existence, the only thing left is this diary, the only desperate testimony which proofs that stupid girl ever existed. Destroying that diary would be too cruel, it would be like killing her twice and this time… it would be definitive."
"She was killed?" the Inspector asked surprised.
"I don't know, I still haven't finished reading, but she knew too many things, her name was erased by every document and her room walled up along with all her belongings. Don't you think there are high chances that someone made her disappear?" Link nodded in response.
"What I want to know," Leverrier continued, "is who killed her. Who's the killer: the Noahs or the Order?" He asked to no-one in particular and both him and Link remained in silence, wondering.
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11th May, 1743
I'm sorry, my diary, for having written nothing in the last three days. I'll only say that I had neither time nor sanity to fulfil my duty and describe what happened. To tell the truth, nothing really happened in reality, but in my mind and heart a lot of things changed without me really realizing it until it was too late.
Lately I've been strangely successful in my attempt to avoid Amatus, but I suspect someone helped me to reach this goal. In all honesty, I firmly believed that Tyki told everything to Road and that she did her best to keep him away from me, but I have no proof so… All this remains an idea, a phantom of my excited mind.
Still, I couldn't avoid the strange, terrifying looks he gives me now and then every time that our eyes meet by chance. And do you know what Lord Tyki did in all this? Nothing, absolutely nothing, he just keeps on staring at me with that smirk on his face, as if he knows everything about me and he was sure I'm already head over heels for him. Well, it's true, I can't deny I like him, but from where did all his confidence come from? It annoys me beyond reason.
Sometimes, when I stare at him I feel so angry with him… I would like to rise on my feet and slap him with all my strength; I'd like to tell him that he understood nothing, that I'm not like those ugly bitches that ogles over him. Sometimes I seriously think about it: I would go in front of him and cry out that I hate him so much and I would take such a pleasure from the sight of his upset face! Then I would tell him something like this:
"I never loved you, you know? Do you really think anyone can love someone as cruel and selfish as you? You only used me, you bastard, and I'll make you pay from this, trust me! No-one in the world can hate you more than me so stop with that seductive glances you give me. I won't fall for your idiotic tricks. You think you've understood everything about me, don't you? Well, sorry to disappoint you, but you're so wrong! I'm a spy at the service of my family, you knew? And I'm here to watch your movements as well. I'll tell everything about your blackmailing to my father, trust me: he only waits for the right opportunity to crash you and I'll give him the excuse he needs. You were so wrong when you thought you could play with me…"
Yes, I want so much to tell him something like this, I long so strenuously for a revenge of some kind on him, that I think I can actually do it, that I can really say it to him, that I can really cry it out on his very face. That's what I think, but then he turns towards me and he smiles in that confident and yet kind way of his. And his smile would be able to move Death itself to compassion. I stare at the lovely way his lips curves upward, I notice how his eyes are enlightened by kindness as he looks at me and then… Then I smile in return with more passion than I'd like to and all my plans of revenge shatter into pieces.
That's how it is: I'm constantly defeated by him.
I can't help it, I l…like him. I still can't bring myself to pronounce that word: "love". I don't like it, it makes me feel as if everything is already decided, to me that word means "surrender". I hate it. And that's why I like Tyki. I know I don't have to surrender to stay with him, I don't need to belong to him in order to love him and be loved as well. When I'm with him I never think about a long-lasting relationship, he doesn't make me feel caged. I guess that's another of the reasons why he looks irresistible to me.
I know that as a lady from a noble family I should be interested in marriage and refuse any other kind of relationship with men, but I'm not like that. I don't want to be a prisoner of a hateful husband as my mother is. I don't want to become like her. I want to be better; I want to be free, even if this obstacles every common sense and decency. I don't care. To me, Lord Tyki represents all this: the contradictory, the mystery, the rebellion against society, the passion, the adventure, everything that's prohibited everything exciting.
I long for rebellion, I long to destroy myself and everything around me, I know, I've always known. I must be mad… but that's me and I can't repudiate myself to accept common sense. I'm not going to. That's the first thing which changed in these last three days: I understood I don't care anymore about what people thinks. I like Tyki, I desire him and whatever will happen between us two, be it so. I'm not going to regret anything of the time I'll spend here in England from now on.
The second thing I realized is that I really care about my mission instead. From now on I'm not going to be a spy to obtain my father approbation (I can't care less about a man who always refused to see me as a human being in the first place), but for myself, to gain a place in this world. Since I'm not going to be a normal married woman, I have to find a role of some kind that I want to perform and the idea of being a spy of profession doesn't displease me. With my beauty and my fake innocent smile I can do it, I can seduce men around me and obtain every kind of information I want. Yes, I want my life to be like this.
Someone may say I've chosen a lonely, sad path, but I'm fine with it as long as I'll be special and loved by everyone around me. I don't care if it's all a fake: if I can't have real happiness then I want at least an everlasting, sweet illusion.
Christine Leverrier
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Headquarters of the Black Order, evening
It was true that Cassandra had decided to torment Kanda, but she hadn't expected destiny (aka Supervisor Komui Lee) to give her a hand. That's why she was far more than surprised when she entered his office and found out that the swordsman was already there, seated on an old woody chair, waiting for her.
Somehow she managed to hide her surprise as she entered and she seated next to him with nonchalance without giving him a single glance. Kanda dedicated her a murderous glare but she didn't even flinch. He was annoyed by her, his dark aura was enough to make her sure of it, but she only smiled to herself: teasing him was so amusing! She bet he was still thinking about what she had said the week before, the day of Allen's disappearance. Maybe she had exaggerated when she had told him she only wanted him because he was beautiful. That was not the real reason of course, but it had been still funny to see the expression he made. It had been worth it, or so she had thought at that time, but knowing that he was still mad at her made her wonder. Komui's voice interrupted her childish thoughts:
"Do you know why you're here, Cassandra-san, Kanda-kun?" the Supervisor asked with a fake smile (even Kanda could read the anxiety which lied at the bottom of his eyes). Both the exorcists shook their head in deny, though it was easy to imagine what the matter was: a new mission. And infact they were right.
"I have a new mission to trust you," Komui said directly, "and I don't want to hear any complain from your part." He ordered, but to say "do not complain" to Kanda is the same to make a hippopotamus perform a classical ballet: impossible.
"What do you mean by: do not complain?" the swordsman immediately interrupted him, "What if I don't want to go anywhere with this freak?" he asked pointing rudely at the woman beside him. Cassandra almost smiled in amusement: she had been called in many ways, but "freak" still wasn't in the list; until she had met Kanda of course. It was terribly funny how that guy was undeniably attracted by her though he hated her; it was almost irresistible. It made her want to make a little more fun out of him, just to see if he would have come to the point when he would have tried to kill her. Still, Komui didn't give her the time to satisfy her curiosity:
"Kanda-kun, I'm tired of telling you, but I'll repeat it one more time: missions are not for personal enjoyment, they are your duty. And now that we are at it, let me tell you one thing once for all: I can't possibly care less if you don't enjoy your partner's company. This is work: you don't have to be friends at all costs; it's enough if you don't kill each other as far as I'm concerned. End of the story, and I won't hear another word about it. Clear?" Komui was obviously exasperated and even Kanda realized that it wasn't the right time to push his luck, so he just let out a low noise which sounded as a "tsk" before turning his gaze away. Cassandra watched the whole scene in silence and couldn't help but chuckle in secret: they were so childish! Even more than her.
"So," Komui continued tiredly, "I was introducing you your next mission. The country is Sweden and your aim is the ancient city of Örebro. A squad of finders has studied that city and the strange legends about it for three years, but it has been four months since their last report arrived. I want you to check out the situation, but I warn you: the probability of finding anyone still alive is very low. Instead you must expect a huge amount of akuma, even if there is also the chance that they already found what they were searching and left…" Komui added sadly.
"In that case, you must return to the Order the sooner: we're lacking exorcists and we can't afford to send you where you aren't needed, right? Did you understand everything?" he asked nervously.
The two exorcists nodded in response.
"Well, your train will leave tomorrow at five in the morning. That's all. Good luck." With these words Komui quickly dismissed them and the two exorcists found themselves standing in silence in front of the Supervisor's office. The usual awkward silence fell on them.
"So," Cassandra said after a little while, "it was an impression of mine or he was really nervous?"
"Are you idiot or something?" Kanda replied harshly, "Of course he's nervous, everyone would be at his place." Cassandra just shrugged in response making him furious:
"Tell me one thing," he asked, "do you really don't get in what kind of situation we are, or you simply don't wish to comprehend other people's feelings?" Cassandra stared back at him with her big terrifying eyes and he regretted every single word which had escaped from his mouth. He had to learn how to keep quiet one day or another. Not that he had ever had any trouble at staying mute till then, it was just that she annoyed him so much that he always ended up saying things he didn't think. She scared him and he reacted telling idiocies. It was something very, very difficult for him to accept. He was used to scare people, not to be scared by others. He was still reflecting on that when Cassandra gave him her answer:
"I just find you're too complicate." She stated, "You people can transform something very stupid in something terrifying and without any reason. You just surprise me, that's all. It's not like I want to make fun out of you." She lied.
Kanda groaned with irritation because he hadn't gotten the answer he wanted:
"Then," he declared, "We would better go sleeping, knowing what tomorrow has in store for us." He ordered.
"Do as you want," was the uncaring answer, "but I'll join the others in the Cafeteria." She informed him and walked away without giving him a chance to reply. Kanda was tempted to shout something at her, but then he realized it would have been a very, very stupid reaction, so he just groaned once more and went to his room to sleep like the good boy he was. He couldn't hear Cassandra chuckling at the other side of the corridor.
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City of Örebro, Sweden, morning
Seated under a tree in the garden of the inn where they were staying, Kanda you was thinking over his last mission. It hadn't been difficult for a pair such as him and Cassandra to find the few last survivor among the finders, take the Innocence and destroy the akuma. He had to admit that had been the easier of all the missions he had ever had and not because the enemies were few, but because Cassandra was even stronger than him in a way. There wasn't much to do while she was around: she just had to want the akuma's destruction to obtain it. Her power was something frightening, they both knew it, and that's probably why she had done everything to hide it.
Kanda had witnessed her fighting before, he knew that she didn't have to move or avoid bullets, water would have protected her anyway, but this time she hadn't just stood there waiting for her Innocence to fight for her. He had been surprised to no end when he had seen her forging a sword of ice out o nowhere and attack the akuma the same way he could have done with Mugen. He didn't understand the utility of it: why should she risk and toil that much when it was not necessary? Wasn't it easier to give orders and let her Innocence do all the work for her?
In that moment, when he had seen her fight like that, for the first time he had really respected her…
Kanda was staring at Cassandra fighting in amazement, surprised and charmed by her endless courage: no matter how many times Death had brushed against her, she never flinched, she never hesitated, she never feared.
Having been so many years in the Black Order, Kanda had thought to be used to witness acts of courage, but in that moment he realized he had never known what courage was before. What his fellow exorcists used to show was not courage: in Allen's case was abnegation; for Tiedoll, Cloud and Marie it was right to speak about devotion to an ideal; Lenalee fought to defend what remained of her family, but… they all were fighting because they were somehow obliged to do it by their own feelings. They were all fighting for someone or something, they hadn't really made a choice and of course it was the same for him: he just had nothing else in life.
That's where Cassandra was different from them, that is where he could recognize pure courage: she wasn't fighting for someone, there were no ideals in which that cynic woman could believe, she was fighting only for herself because that was all which mattered to her. Her life was all she had and all she cared about, and yet she was risking it like that without fear or hesitation.
It was not like she didn't know what would have happened to her if she had done one single mistake. She knew perfectly what death was and she didn't expect to have another chance in another world like the members of the Order who fervently believed in God's existence. She thought that was the only opportunity she would ever have to live and yet she was joking with it, running unnecessary risks. Wasn't that real courage? Wasn't that thing so near to stupidity what should be called "being brave"?
She really didn't have any fear, or was it just an impression? She was not stupid, and she was not fatalist, he knew it. Probably she was just so far away from every feeling of fear that cowards like him could not even imagine what could be in her mind. He could only watch her and see the calm which her eyes mirrored while she avoided a mortal hit, but it was enough. It was enough for him to know that something like that existed, it was enough to know that there were people better than him who were never caged by fear.
Sometimes Kanda was really convinced that Cassandra was a better person than he wasi: beautiful, brave, powerful, with an aim in life probably, but as soon as he thought of that the fear returned. Her strength, her lack of fear, her mix of cruelty and kindness, that naivety which was so often fused with recklessness, it all scared him.
When he stared at her fighting or doing things like that, it was like her full nature was exposed and he was frightened by her because it was clear that such a being could not be controlled by anything or anyone. Like a wild animal, she couldn't be tamed, she couldn't be turned to obedience, and she would have always remained horribly free and unpredictable. Sometimes too much freedom is dangerous and often there is no difference from absolute liberty and solitude. The swordsman wondered if that was the reason why of the sadness he had seen in her in Rome, that night: the consciousness that she would have never been able to merge with the rest of humanity because she was stronger, she was braver, she was… simply something more. Was that the nightmare which was devouring her heart making her act cruel sometimes?
Still, it didn't matter the cause, the result was always the same: he was scared by the mere idea that someone like her could exist and that was probably why he was so aggressive against her: the more she proved to him her superiority, the more he felt the need to keep her away from him. Her courage, her recklessness scared him for they made him wonder if there wasn't another way to live, something different from his apathy, by his eternal surrendering to the way things were.
Now that he thought about it, that was also probably the same reason why he was so annoyed by the moyashi's naivety. Both of them made him think: "maybe all the sufferance I have inflicted and suffered was not necessary, maybe there was another way I didn't see because of fear, a way that would have saved many life".
As always, the present Kanda under the tree thought, it was a matter of fear. He looked so brave and cool to others, but in the end he was a coward, he had always been, and fear was the main cause of all the things he regretted in his life. Damn it. He hated it, that feeling of self-compassion, that fear he had of everything. He wanted to put an end to that endless circle of misery, but he felt like caged in the Order. He couldn't escape, he couldn't change things. He wanted to believe that he was doing something good for the world at least, but in all honesty he couldn't care less about that abstract concept: "the world".
At the end it was clear to him: the only reason why he was in the Order was that he had nothing else in life, no alternative. He wondered if everyone felt like this eventually, but no answer occurred to him. It wasn't like people used to speak with him about their feelings very often anyway so there was no way he could know.
While he was in the middle of such melancholy thoughts he saw someone running towards him: it was one of the finders. Brief and efficient, the man clothed in white communicated him the day and the hour of the departure of the ship which would have taken them back to the Headquarters.
"Maybe I should advise Cassandra…" Kanda thought as he raised on his feet and went inside the Inn, searching for her room.
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Cassandra's room…
If Kanda had known how much he'd have regretted it, he'd have never entered in that room.
The scene which was taking place under his eyes was something unbearable for his upset mind: in the middle of the room there was a bed and on it there was Cassandra, but she wasn't alone. She was sitting on the knees of the finder who had accompanied them in the mission and she was embracing him in an intimate way, her uniform unbuttoned, while he was kissing greedy her bare neck.
The man didn't even noticed that someone had entered in the room: his attention was focused on the woman in front of him and his gaze was full of blind adoration. The finder was looking at her as if she was an angel, a goddess, but he knew he was only her occasional lover.
The man didn't notice that Kanda had entered and seen them, but Cassandra did: she turned her head slowly towards the swordsman, but she didn't care to move from her embarrassing position. She stared at Kanda for some moment without any shame: her gaze was emotionless and impudent. It was obvious that she wasn't attracted at all by the man who was holding her and this, more than anything else, shocked and disgusted Kanda. His mind was telling him to leave that place immediately, but his body refused to move. It seemed so unreal…
He wasn't able to get free from Cassandra's gaze: he could only remain there and stare at her in the eyes without knowing what to do or say, as if she had casted a spell on him. And it really seemed that he was prisoner of some spell for as soon as she looked away the magic was broken and he ran away, though it was too late to avoid the sight of Cassandra kissing that man.
He knew it was a stupid reaction, but he walked away quickly, almost running, till he reached his room. He locked himself inside and only then he allowed himself to catch some breath. He knew that he was ridiculous, but he couldn't avoid being shocked.
What had him been thinking? Did he have thought that Cassandra would have been as pure and innocent as Angel was? No, of course, he already knew the perversion that woman hid under her shining appearance, but what he had just seen was too much for him.
To see Angel's body between the hands of one of those filthy men he had always abhorred! He couldn't bear that, and yet he knew he shouldn't have cared since Angel wasn't in that body anymore. Yes, his mind knew that Angel received no offence from Cassandra's behaviour, and he was firmly convinced that what that woman wanted to do with her body was her business only, but it still annoyed him to no end to witness to such a scene.
Was that jealousy? He asked to himself, but he answered immediately to his own question with a determinate: NO! Why should he have been jealous of Cassandra? He barely knew her and of course he didn't have feelings for her, he couldn't have. He was interested and curious about her, but that had nothing to do with such things as "love"! It was different from what he had felt for Angel: that was not love, nor jealousy. Yes, he concluded, he was only annoyed and embarrassed for having been obliged to witness to that scene. End of the story.
Then someone knocked at the door.
Kanda rose up and went to open, but the face he gazed at wasn't the one he was expecting. Not that he was waiting for someone in particular to come, but he would have never imagined she would have come that soon. Still, Cassandra was there, staring at him with an amused look on her face.
Kanda's first urge was to close the door and ignore her, he knew he wasn't strong nor intelligent enough to face her (he was always defeated during their little arguments), but he refused to do such a thing. After his reflection about how he always feared everything he didn't want to run away. He didn't want to act as a coward and refuse the confrontation.
He clenched his fists and prepared himself to listen to her, but he didn't let her come inside the room. Now Cassandra was clearly amused:
"Why do you act like this? I came all this way to apologize and you don't even let me in?" her voice was ironical; she was making fun out of him. Kanda stiffened feeling angrier than it was wise to.
"Oh, go on," Cassandra said before he could have the chance to reply anything, "Don't get angry so easily! Really, I came here only to apologize." she added. She was trying to calm him down, but there was a strange light in her eyes, something which advised Kanda not to trust her. Once again he didn't answer anything, so Cassandra just sighed and kept on talking:
"I know I've shocked you and I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. It must be hard for you to see someone else in the body of the friend you killed, and doing such things no less!" She said and gave him a little, mischievous smile. If she had stabbed him it wouldn't have hurt that much and she was conscious of it: she had said those things with the purpose to hurt him! She had lied when she had said that she was sorry; she had lied since the very start and she was enjoying her cruelty towards him.
Kanda was defenceless in front of her, as always: she knew exactly how to hurt him, while he knew nothing about her. He would have liked to say something to upset her and hurt her as much as he was, but everything he could think of sounded so stupid that he chose to remain in silence. As it was to be expected, he wasn't a man of thought, he was a man of action, and this kind of cruel jokes didn't suit him. He was always destinate to loose to her in that sort of psychological contest.
Kanda cursed himself. He had known he couldn't win against her since the very beginning, but still he had challenged her. What the Hell had passed through his mind? He should have closed the door as soon as he had seen her. Yes, he though, he should have done it since the start, but he was always in time to remediate. He tried to close the door on her face and for a second it seemed he was going to succeed (the woman had been too surprised to react), but as soon as he locked in, the door exploded in a thousand pieces.
Kanda's eyes met the furious gaze of Cassandra.
"What's going on?" she asked, her voice deeper than before, threatening, "I won't allow you to ignore me, Kanda Yuu. I won't let you." She raged. Kanda was tempted to chuckle: the whole situation was just ridiculous. She was acting like a little kid and, besides that, how was he supposed to ignore someone who had just blow up his door? He wondered.
"I wonder how you are going to accomplish that since I'm going to do my best to avoid even seeing you." He provoked her.
"And why is that so?" she mocked him, "Let me imagine: right now you're wondering why I'm trying my best to hurt your feelings, don't you? Tell me: are you cursing me? Do you hate me?" she asked, but once again she was not serious, she was just joking with him.
"I don't hate you," he confessed, "but I have no interest in you also." He added and it was only half true. He HAD interest in her, but being with her was so painful that he wasn't sure if the miserable results were worth the effort.
"You're lying." She declared immediately seeing right trough him. "You are interested, but the truth is that you care only about what you want to see and I disappoint you. I've watched you: your eyes search for me continuously, I dare say I'm at the top of your thoughts lately, and yet the me you see isn't the one you want and desire. So you're disappointed and try to ignore me. But it's useless, your searching will always guide you towards me, isn't that so?" She asked and he had to confess to himself that she was right even if he didn't say it out loud.
"You look at me, but the one you want it's her: Angel." She declared. A terrible silence fell on the two as soon as she pronounced her name.
"That's right," Kanda confessed realizing that it would have been stupid to deny, "sometimes I search in you some similarities with her, but I still couldn't find any."
"I'm not her." She pronounced slowly as if that sentence was the key of everything, "Still I know, because I could hear Angel's thoughts when I wanted to," she added, "that even when you were with her you were not satisfied. Even she wasn't enough for you: when you looked at her you searched for the reflexion of someone else in her eyes, as you're doing now with me. At that time it was me you wanted to see and now that I'm here I'm not enough: you regret Angel. It was because she knew that the one you wanted wasn't her that she sacrificed herself in the end and now your aim changes so easily? How selfish of you…"
"Get out of here!" Kanda raged. He was tired of hearing her accuses. She didn't have any right to blame him, and he was also tired of her habit to speak about him and Angel as if she knew everything. It was too much, she was too arrogant, she was too…
"See?" she continued instead, "You're rejecting me again and that's because of your cowardice. If only you could defy the fear you felt, then you would be able to get free of the beloved lies you built to protect yourself; if you had that courage you'd break the chains you created and you'd be free to stare at the truth in the eyes. You'd not need to search anything anymore, you'd find the answers you want if only you were brave enough!"
"I don't understand you." He said and it was true. What was she desperately trying to communicate to him?
Then happened something he would have never expected.
She kissed him.
Kanda was surprised, so surprised he didn't react. A part of him, probably the instinctual one, had always desired to hold her between his arms and to kiss her, always, since that night when he had seen her for the first time and had witnessed to her desperation. Since that time, he had always longed for her, even if he hadn't been conscious of it, and he knew that the shock he had felt before was in great part due to jealousy, but now…
Now she was finally between his arms, her skin warm against his; now her lips were really on his. It felt like Heaven and yet he knew there was something wrong. It was supposed to be a romantic moment, but then why was that kiss so cruel and bitter? Why could he perceive such sadness and rage in the way her lips brushed his? Did her words of before taint even that precious moment of intimacy?
Maybe they had, or maybe not, but of one thing Kanda was sure: the pain that was turning him apart, the solitude and the bitterness he was experiencing, the mute bottomless desperation which covered everything, the madness and the frightening awareness which filled everything… all those were her feelings, feelings that now she was communicating him trough the kiss because words just weren't enough to explain all that.
It felt like Heaven to finally have her with him, against him, on him, and yet there was something so wrong in that kiss! It wasn't like it was supposed to be, but Cassandra was still urging on his lips, her tongue slipping inside his mouth, and Kanda couldn't oppose, or maybe he just didn't want to. After all, who cared of how it should have been? That was what the present was giving him so why should he have refused it? What else could he expect? After all, she was what she was and it didn't matter what he wanted: he would always be only one of her three thousand puppets who were slaves of her beauty and charm.
It was at this point that Kanda's pride resurfaced and he pushed her away. She stood in front of him triumphantly. One of her three thousand puppets: he really was like that? Maybe he had been, but he wasn't going to tolerate it any longer. He wasn't going to be that woman's slave.
"You're awful." He declared brushing his lips with the right arm in a gesture of disgust.
"Then why didn't you reject me first?" she asked.
"I was surprised."
"Surprised?" she chuckled, "Do you expect me to believe that? The truth is that you're stupid and the only way I have to communicate with you is this." She declared. Kanda didn't understand a word of what she had just said, once again she was talking trough riddles, so he simply glared at her.
"I'll be going now," she declared with calm (she hadn't been even slightly impressed by his glance), "but you must do something for me."
"I won't do anything for you, you whore." He offended her, but she ignored his words completely and said:
"You must think over what I've said. You MUST get free of those chains." She declared solemnly and then left after giving him one last sad smile. The same smile she had given him that night, the same smile which had obsessed him for months.
The door was closed and Kanda cursed in a low voice. There was no need for her to say it: he would have been tormented by those riddle-like sentences anyway. What were the chains he had to break? He stupidly looked around him, but found no inspiration. He sighed and fell back on the bed. His fingers brushed his own lips. Had she really kissed him only a minute before? He had the impression it all had been only a dream, but he knew it hadn't. It was always like this when Cassandra was involved: everything seemed so strange and unnatural that he got the impression that there was nothing real.
Her words kept on tormenting him:
"I've watched you: your eyes search for me continuously,
I dare say I'm at the top of your thoughts lately,
and yet the me you see isn't the one you want and desire.
So you're disappointed and try to ignore me. But it's useless.
Your searching will always guide you towards me, isn't that so?"
It was true, he thought, so true that it was ridiculous she had realized it before him.
"When you looked at her you searched for the reflexion of someone else in her eyes,
as you're doing now with me. At that time it was me you wanted to see
and now that I'm here I'm not enough:
you regret Angel.
Kanda, what do you want?"
It was terrible that she could see right trough him that way, but what tormented him more was something else: why did she care? Why was she joking with him? Was it a mere show of cruelty towards him? He didn't believe so though it was obvious that sometimes she enjoyed hurting him. It was as if she was searching to get a revenge of some kind on him. Revenge for what? He didn't know, but he had never understood her in the end, never. Never.
He felt that she wanted him to realize something, but what? She was waiting for him to understand that something, but then why couldn't she tell him herself? She was far too complicated for his taste; everything around that woman was just complicate. Why? Things had always seemed so simple to him, but when she was around… It was as if everything was transferred into another dimension where even facts of no importance whatsoever became fundamental.
No, he repeated to himself, there was no way he could understand her and her chains and her lies and… everything.
"See? You're rejecting me again and that's because of your cowardice!"
He was a coward? Yes, he had always been, he knew, cowardice was the reason why he had become an exorcist, the reason why he was still there at the Black Order, but no matter how much he hated it: cowardice was also the reason why he was still alive while all the "others" had been disposed of. In his life, cowardice had always been the key of everything.
Kanda's mind was chaos in that moment, but of one thing he was sure: despite everything he couldn't feel angry towards Cassandra.
Author's notes- MISERABLE
I guess it's true, lately I've felt really miserable for one thousand reasons. Plus, lately I read an interesting guide on "how to do terrible fanfictions" and I fear I've done almost everything that author complained about in FALLEN GODS… So sad… I'm in such a bad mood lately that I can hardly bear someone else's presence. I must thank a friend of mine, Cristina, if I'm still a decent person because I'm just so angry and somehow desperate in these last days that it's as if I've gone insane. Maybe I am. I cry and laugh no stop for basically no reason.
Think about Cassandra's madly changing mood, now cruel, then loving and so on… Well, that's me. This is more or less the only thing Cassandra has of me for I'm not beautiful, nor powerful, nor loved. Usually I'm hated though.. Does it count? I don't really care. Concerning Cassandra, I guess you've hated her in this chapter, haven't you? XD As I already said some week ago: hate the author, not the character! So, hate me, but love Cassandra for she's so much in need for love…
Anyway, what I wanted to say was that I' sorry if this chapter is not well written (not that the others were, but still…), but for once this was long (twelve pages on the old Microsoft word).
Love you all guys, and review! You may end up making me happy if you do.
Goodnight to you all…
Eris92
P.S.Go to see my deviantart profile for pictures of FALLEN GODS' characters! (the link is on my profile also!)
I added a picture of Kanda and Cassandra together!
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