Chapter Thirty Six:

It felt like I was falling. Just falling and falling. For a moment, I felt like Alice in Wonderland, falling through the rabbit hole. I was expecting a hard landing. Heck, a landing at all. But there was just falling. I tried to peer around me, but there was absolutely nothing. It wasn't like the last time though, I didn't feel peace or pure bliss. Instead, I had a knot in my stomach, knowing what I would wake up too. There was a sadness knowing that I wouldn't return to the phoenix utopia, would never see Kyra again for guidance. The few short trips had been heaven blessed. I never would have understood anything about this new life I was forced to live if it hadn't been for her. But it was time to take off the training wheels and just take off on my own. I was worried, however, about what would happen if I fell off that bike. Would there be anyone there to encourage me to get back up, to continue going. I wasn't so sure.

When I finally stopped falling, I felt a soft bed beneath me. I let out a small moan, relishing in the comfortable bed for the first time in days. The noise must have alerted another presence in the room as I heard footsteps nearing. It took a moment to force my eyes open, but once I had, there were two blue orbs staring down at me, pale lips a bit too close to mine. I gulped when our eyes met before slowly inching to the side and pushed myself up into a sitting position. Eric stood beside the bed, watching my every movement as I glanced around, running a hand through my tangled hair. I was in Eric's resting place, a fact I should have known from the bed alone. I don't think there was another bed in the world that felt as comfortable and safe as Eric's did.

"Ellie..." Eric mumbled, his hand reaching out, twirling his fingers around my hair.

I turned my gaze back up to him and I did the one thing that shocked both of us. Eric's head snapped to the side as I slapped him as hard as I could, a glare settling on my face.

"You fucking idiot!" I screeched, throwing the bed sheets off of me and jumping off the bed. I realized I was only wearing a long shirt, but that didn't seem to matter at all. "Why the hell would you do that!"

Eric's head was still to the side, and I was surprised to find a light handprint on his cheek. In fact, his skin was slightly sizzling right where I had slapped him. My eyes grew wide for a moment as I stared down at my right hand. It looked perfectly normal, like it always did. As I looked back up at Eric, he was lightly rubbing his cheek before looking at me, a mixture of anger and surprise in his eyes. I suppose Kyra was right, there was no thinking about it anymore. My powers were just there.

Maybe being a Phoenix wouldn't be too horrible after all.

"You almost got yourself killed." I placed my hands on my hips. "If it hadn't been for me, you would have fried up like a god damn French fry!"

Eric raised an eyebrow, but before he could utter a word, I continued on my rant.

"Don't even get me started on locking me up, that's a whole new level of asshole for you! Why can't you just accept help? That's all I wanted to do! And if it hadn't of been for me, you would have shrivelled up and died before I could have done a damn thing!"

There was a hint of amusement in his eyes as he leaned against the wall, his arms crossed. That just infuriated me even more.

"The whole reason any of this even had to happen was the stupidest shit I've ever heard. You wanted revenge? Seriously, what are you, five? This isn't kindergarten. You can't knock over someone's milk because they did it to you. God!" I threw my arms up in the air. "We all would have been nice and happy if you hadn't gone and killed Russell's friggin lover. We would have gotten the magister off our back either way, so did you really have to add to the list of crap we had going on? You're supposed to be over a thousand years old and yet you still act like an immature little kid! When will you grow up?"

I paused for a moment to catch a breath, my face bright red. My hands were shaking with the amount of anger that was surging through me, and if I hadn't of been gripping my hips tightly, I was sure something would have been thrown across the room. In fact, out the corner of my eye, I could start seeing smaller objects begin to shake throughout the room. I remember the last time I had gotten angry while practicing my powers. The entire room looked like a bomb had gone off. I hope that would wipe that stupid smirk off of Eric's face.

"Are you through?" he raised an eyebrow.

"Not even close." I hissed. "You have worse mood swings than women. Then a friggin pregnant woman! One minute you're this horrible monster, and the next you act like you care! I can't keep up anymore! It's like running a damn marathon whenever I'm around you. I'm tired of it. I'm exhausted. Oh and there's your god damn feelings!"

"My feelings?"

"Yes, you're stupid ass feelings!" that was when the anger really began bubbling. Eric tensed as he began to see objects move out of their original place. "You...You two timing asshole went and fucking kissed my BEST FRIEND!"

Eric's expression hardened. "I will not talk about this."

"Hell no! We are going to fucking talk about this!" I clenched my fists, the objects closest to me exploding suddenly. I barely realized this fact, not flinching at all as pieces of the objects went flying everywhere. "I had to sit around watching as you bang your stupid fangbangers and stripper sluts. I couldn't do a thing about that as you fucked them at the bar and then you brought them over here of all places. We had sex in Dallas Eric, and you didn't even seem to care. I was probably just a good fuck for you, but you were my first! That meant something to me and you just tossed me aside until you were bored or jealous."

Eric's fangs popped out and he took a step forward. I held out a hand however, and he was frozen to the spot. I had to control myself so I wouldn't smirk at the baffled vampire. He was going to get a reality check. I wasn't some weakling anymore. I was strong. I was powerful. He was just getting a taste of what I could do. I could feel it flowing through my veins, and I loved every minute of it.

"But you know, I was fine with it. It hurt, yes, but they were just nameless bimbos. They didn't mean anything, and I certainly didn't care about any of them. But then...but then..." I swallowed back the lump that had begun to rise as I remembered standing outside of his office door as he kissed Sookie. "But then you went and kissed Sookie. My best friend of all people. You gave her blood. Why...why would you do that? I know I mean nothing to you, but did you have to do that with my best friend? She wasn't just another fangbanger, that was someone of meaning. And you didn't even care how it would have made me feel."

I felt the sadness sweep through me and it took everything in my power to overpower it with anger. It would hurt too much to think of the pain. I needed to be angry, to be livid.

"And you have the gull to say minutes later that you care about me, that you want to keep me safe. I...I just don't get it, Eric. None of it makes sense. For a moment, I actually thought you cared. When we were talking in your office, before Nan came with the ruling from the authority, I actually thought for a minute that there was something there." Eric moved his gaze, looking at anything but me. "You risked everything for me, that's what you keep saying, but why don't I believe that?"

I had to stop, to let my emotions be worked through. I watched Eric closely, watched as he clenched and unclenched his fists, his eyes closing for a moment, his fangs retracting. Finally, after what felt like ever, his eyes met mine and I was almost knocked over by how profound the emotions were in his blue orbs.

"You were with him." He grunted.

"I was with who?" I asked in confusion before realization sunk in. "Godric."

"You were with him."

"Correction, we made out. He called out Kyra's name before anything could happen." I reminded him.

"You still kissed. You would have..."

"And that was a mistake." The words blurted out before I could even think it through. But as I stood there, looking at Eric, I realized that it was true. It had been a mistake. Whatever I felt towards Godric, it was nothing compared to the love I had for Eric. "I think I was just...trying to make up for what you and I didn't have. You were always so rough and cold hearted. Godric always made me feel loved and wanted. I just want to be wanted. I want to know that I'm loved by someone. He was there; it was the easiest way for both of us to get out our anger and pain. I realize that it was a mistake, and I'm sorry it happened. I'm sorry that I let it happen because I only ended up getting hurt."

The floating objects in the room slowly began to return to their former places as my mood changed drastically. I couldn't keep up my angry facade, not when my heart hurt so much. I felt tired of this fighting, of wondering if Eric was ever going to be serious towards me. If there was any hope that he would ever going to care about me. I sighed as I sat on the bed, my back to Eric. It felt like there were weights on my chest, pressing against me with such force that it was hard to breathe. I closed my eyes for a moment, trying to regain my composure and thoughts. They didn't open until I felt a cool hand on my cheek, brushing away the tear I never knew had fallen. I stared up at Eric, who now stood before me. I couldn't read his expression, and I wished that he would open our bond so I could feel him, know what he was going through.

"She means nothing to me." Eric finally spoke, cupping my cheek in his large hand.

"You gave her blood. You kissed her." I reminded him. "I saw the way you were looking at her before you were going to bite her when I stopped it. You...you never looked at me that way."

Eric tilted his head to the side. "I merely tricked her into drinking my blood in Dallas to infuriate Compton further. I had my suspicions that Compton was up to something, even then, and I thought that forming a bond with Sookie would help to keep a track on his doings."

"You don't form a bond with someone to do that." I pushed his hand away and stood again. I went to brush past him but he grabbed my elbow and stopped me. "You don't kiss them and tell them it would be your biggest regret if you died without kissing them."

"There are many things in my life that I regret."

"But that isn't one of them." I shook my head, looking up at him. "I remember when I first met Sookie; I remember the way you would look at her. That was long before anything ever happened between us. You wanted her even then."

Eric fell silent and I knew my suspicions had been correct.

"And that's fine. But then Dallas happened. I know you were...vulnerable with the whole Godric thing. But...but I'm still human Eric. You know I wasn't just some whore that slept with anyone who was willing. My first sexual experiences were with you, and that meant something to me. I felt safe with you. I felt like...I felt like I could trust you. And when you called me yours, I was happy. I was excited knowing that you wanted me. But the moment we got back here, it was like Dallas didn't happen."

I had to look away as another tear slipped down my cheek. Eric wiped it away before I had a chance to however.

"I understand you're a vampire, and you have needs and you don't exactly care about one stupid girl. But my best friend? My own best friend, Eric. You could have kissed anyone else and I wouldn't have been upset. But she was my best friend." I bit down hard on my bottom lip. "That hurt more than hearing Godric call me Kyra. That hurt me more than knowing that Godric would never get over her, even after 1400 years. Knowing that you want Sookie, and not want me, that's worst than any pain or torture that Jeffrey or Russell could have done to me."

I gently tugged my arm out of his grasp and wrapped my arms around myself.

"I never meant to hurt you." Eric's voice was soft.

"That's the thing, Eric. You never mean to hurt me. Yet you always do, every time." I pulled away as he tried to reach out to me. "It's never intentional, or maybe sometimes it is. But it always happens. Whether it be emotionally or physically, you always hurt me, rip me apart bit by bit."

I turned, knowing I would break down if I stared at him any longer.

"Did you know that the only reason Kyra had died was because she sacrificed herself for Godric?" my voice was barely above a whisper, my eyes closing to try and cease the tears that were threatening to spill. "She couldn't live without him so she gave her life so he could live. She offered her soul, but he couldn't take it and she died. She died for him."

"I didn't know that." Eric mumbled.

"It scares me." The lump began rising in my throat. "It scares me to think that I would do that, that I would do exactly that to save you."

I felt Eric's hand on my shoulders, lightly massaging away the tension. I wanted to pull away, but I couldn't. His touch still kept me safe, comforted me even now.

"I would give my life in order to save yours. It's everything I've been doing for the past few days."

"Why?" he questioned, genuinely sounding confused.

"Because I love you, you idiot." I turned back around, staring up at him through teary eyes. "It hurts to even think what it would be like without you, if you had died. It was so horrible to see you burning, Eric. I...I couldn't handle it. It felt like someone was ripping my organs out one by one. I couldn't stand, I was barely conscious, but it didn't matter to me. All that mattered was to save you. If I died, I didn't care. It was you I cared about."

"I don't deserve it." he sighed, bowing his head.

"No, you don't. That's just it. You don't deserve any of it. You don't deserve my love. You don't deserve my soul. You don't deserve the thousands of tears I've cried over you. But I'm stupid and just can't stop loving you. Because when you love someone you love all of them, faults included. And you have a lot of faults." I lifted my hands to rub at my eyes. "But once you love someone, you can't just turn it off. You can't just flick a switch because it gets hard. Even though I've so wanted to stop loving you, to let someone else in, I just can't."

Eric looked away, and I could tell he was uncomfortable. I'm sure it wasn't exactly everyday that someone told this Viking that they loved him. I wondered if he had ever heard those three little words from someone other than Godric and Pam, his family. I was sure he didn't even understand what the phrase meant.

"I'm scared that all I'm going to do is continue to try and sacrifice myself to keep you alive. Because you dying...I wouldn't be able to handle it. I...I just wouldn't be able too." I shook my head. "You're an asshole, your abusive, you don't even give a crap, but you're still you. You're still..." I trailed off.

"I would never ask you to do that for me." he spoke.

"That's the thing about loving someone, Eric. I would die for you without you even needing to ask. I would do it even if you didn't want me to. That scares the living shit out of me. I'm twenty two. Sure I'm going to live for a long time, but I'm twenty two. Life isn't supposed to be this hard. Love isn't supposed to be this much work. It's too hard, and I just want something to be easy, just for once."

Eric sighed as he turned his gaze back towards me. I was surprised to find his blue eyes weren't emotionless. Our bond was still closed off, but everything I needed to know was in those eyes.

"I spent the past 48 hours fighting for you." I looked down. "Fighting for all of us to stay alive, but most importantly you. I...I don't want to fight anymore. I don't want to be scared; I don't want to be terrified by everything. I want to be happy. It's all I've ever wanted."

"I can make you happy." He surprised me by saying.

His comment felt like a knife stabbing through my heart. I wanted to believe that, I really did. But this was Eric Northman. He would get bored of me in a week, only returning when he was bored or jealous, just like the past few months. I loved him, and I wasn't sure if I would ever stop loving him. But this...this I couldn't do anymore. I realized that now. This entire charade, it opened my eyes. I was tired of being second best, of never being good enough. I wanted more than anything to be happy, to not have to worry that something was going to come along and ruin it all. I've been miserable for so long, and I wasn't even sure if I even knew how to be happy. But I deserved to at least try, didn't I?

I just wasn't so sure I could be happy here any longer.

I let out a loud sigh, my eyes closing for a moment as my thoughts ran in circles. Neither of us spoke, though Eric would every so often brush his hand against my arm, as if assuring himself that I was still standing there. Eventually however, and with a decision in mind, I opened my eyes and looked him dead in the eye.

"I don't know if I can believe that, Eric. I want to, but I'm sceptical. And I don't want to be sceptical. Love isn't supposed to work like that. I want to be happy. I want to be loved and wanted. Which is why I don't think I can do this anymore."

"What are you saying?" He raised an eyebrow.

I inhaled sharply. "I'm saying that maybe I've been around vampires for long enough."

"What does that mean?" a darkened expression fell over his face, his voice lowering an octave.

"It means," I bit down on my bottom lip for a moment. "it means that i need to go. It's time for me to move on."

I was almost frightened by the look in his eyes. He looked like a rabid animal the moment those words escaped my lips. I almost regretted the decision. But I stopped myself from taking it back. I couldn't let him bully me into staying. I couldn't be here anymore. I needed to get out. I needed to find me.

"No. I won't allow it."

I snorted. "What are you going to do, tie me down? It's not going to work Eric."

"I will." He threatened.

I shook my head. "I'm stronger now. I've transitioned, Eric. My powers, they're so much stronger. Something changed. I feel so...god I feel so strong! I can feel it in me; I didn't think it was possible to feel like this. It's amazing."

I couldn't help the small smile that appeared on my lips.

"For the first time in my life, I feel like myself, I feel like this is who I'm supposed to be. I'm strong, I'm powerful. It's the greatest feeling in the world."

"No. You will not leave." He growled.

"You can't stop me Eric." I raised a hand and laid it on his chest. "When I'm around you, I just...I feel so weak, so helpless. And I'm not. Maybe I was before, but I'm not now."

"No."

"Eric, don't you understand? I can't stay here anymore. I have this whole Phoenix thing figured out but me...I still need to find who I am. And I can't do that here. I can't do that somewhere I'm always going to be worried about you; I'm always going to be looking over my shoulder. I need to start fresh. For the first time in my life I can actually be alone and happy."

"You were alone before. Look where that got you."

"You're right." I nodded. "Godric found me nearly dead in an alley way. But I'm different now. I was grieving before. I was sad and hurt and I needed someone to take care of me. Godric, and hell, even you, helped me get over my brother's death, helped me grow so much. But now...it's time for me to grow on my own. I need to do this, Eric. I need to figure out who I am. I don't want to be miserable for the rest of my life. I want to spend the next few centuries knowing who I am and being happy."

"What about me? What about Godric? You were the reason he didn't kill himself."

"And I'll give him a good yelling until I'm blue in the face to make sure he doesn't do anything stupid." I assured. "He needs to get over his own grieving. He's been in pain for over 1400 years. He needs to forgive himself, and I don't think me being around is going to help at all. He sees Kyra in me, and that can't exactly be helped."

"And me? You're just going to leave me?" His fists clenched.

"It's sad to think that in a week or two, you probably won't even notice I'm gone." My hand trailed its way up to his cheek, cupping it softly. "I love you, Eric. I will willingly admit that. I'm stupidly in love with you, completely over the top in love with you. But you don't feel the same way, and I really don't blame you. You're a vampire, I understand that. You may want Sookie, you may not. But I don't want to be questioning that every single day of my life."

Eric closed his eyes, leaning into my touch.

"Let me go, Eric. I need this."

"You'll be back." There was a hint of confidence in his tone. "You came back before."

"Maybe. Maybe not. I don't know. I could decide that soul searching is a complete bore and come back in a month. Or maybe I'll find something that makes me happy and never see you again. But I need to take that risk. You need to let me take that risk. Please, Eric. Just let me go."

"I don't want to." He sounded like a little child, so unlike him, that it actually made me laugh. His eyes snapped open, the rage returning. "This is not funny."

"No, it's not, you're right." I ceased my laughter. "If you care about me even in the slightest, like you claim to, then you will let me go."

Eric pushed my hand away, brushing past me angrily only to start pacing the length of the room. I sighed but just watched him, knowing he needed his own time to process things. So I sat on the edge of the bed while Eric paced, occasionally muttering words in another language. If it hadn't been such a serious situation, I would have burst out laughing at how ridiculous this all way. But I knew that would anger him further, so I was as silent as could be until he came around.

It felt like hours passed until he stopped where he was, his body turning towards me. I lifted my gaze to meet his, smiling slightly at him.

"One night."

"Huh?" I raised an eyebrow.

"Give me one night."

"Eric..."

"I deserve one last night." He shook his head, determination in his eyes. "Tomorrow night. Just give me one more night and then you can do whatever the hell you want. One night, that's all I'm asking for."

I stared at him, wondering what he could possibly do in one night to try and keep me here. I wanted to tell him no, but what could it hurt? I had my mind made up. I knew deep down that this was the right decision. It couldn't hurt to stay one more night. I still needed to pack, to talk to both Godric and Sookie. One more day here would allow me to do that, and then he could have his night tomorrow before I left after dawn. Maybe it would help both of us move on, to be okay once and for all.

"Okay, one night."

A/N: so this is part one of the finale! it was going to be one chapter, but I got to this point, with still so much left to go that I felt it would be better as two. yes, this story is coming to an end, its so sad! I just want to take the chance to say thank you to everyone once again for reading this story. Its so nice to see that people are actually enjoying my writing, makes me feel like even though theres a thousand problems going on, that I can do one thing right and bring a smile to some of your faces. so thank you :) and do watch out for the next installment, because I expect it out in the next week or two.