Author's Notes: Sunday and no update. Tsk tsk tsk. I'm sorry. I wish I had some legitimate excuse but really it was just a bad case of "I feel like I should be doing Uni work so I can't 'allow' me to write, yet I do nothing but procrastinate anyway..." I'm sure some of you can relate. Anyway, here is a very late update and I'm planning to update again on Sunday per usual so stay tuned and thanks to all my reviewers, both the new and the reoccurring (you know who you are).
TW: I feel I should put this up here. This chapter will discuss the subject of anxiety/panic attacks.
The remains of the day passed away quietly on the long, winding highway. Emily kept her eyes on the road, going over Mona's last words in her head.
"They're not just trying to break into your house, they're breaking into your head."
"If that's what they're doing, have they been successful?" she thought, glancing at the auburn haired woman in the passenger's seat who also seemed deep in thought. Back in Rosewood she had known this sort of danger, heck she had lived with it for years before she got away from it. And then five years later she had been thrown straight back into the whirlpool. But now that was over, even though that closure had come at a great cost. She had always tried keeping Paige away from it, and it was a bittersweet day when she said goodbye to her, because even though she was devastated by her departure she had also come to terms with the fact that her longing for the other woman to stay had been fueled by selfishness. Because later when she found herself wondering about what had become of her she couldn't help but think that she was probably better off somewhere very far away from all the havoc that was happening in her own life.
"I wanted it to be me," she thought as she saw the profile of the other woman lit up from the sun that was going down. "But the more time that passed I realized that maybe I didn't have my own life in check. All I had ever known was running away from trouble. And when that trouble was over I just kept running out of habit. And that part had slowly started to shift and change. Because the more I realized that I wasn't in a good place in my life the more I realized that I wanted you to be in a better place than I was. So after a while, instead of hoping that we could be together, I just invested every good intention that I had in me to hope that wherever you were and whatever you were doing that you were fulfilled and untroubled. Even if you were with someone else, as long as they made you as happy as you had once made me."
But now it seemed that despite having stayed out of Paige's way with the best intentions, Emily could not keep her safe because there was someone that had a bullseye on the other woman's back and this time it wasn't just because of the association with her. And she was frightened that this time it wasn't down to her own resourcefulness to keep them out. Because whoever this was had their aim of getting into Paige's head and not hers.
"So, if I'm already feeling unnerved by this Paige must have that feeling thousandfold," she though, "Are they already in? Is there any way that I can make her feel like she is safe at this point?"
"Em?" Paige's voice suddenly sounded next to her.
"I'm sorry, did you say something?" Emily asked, turning towards the other woman.
"I was just saying that maybe we should find a motel or something, it's getting pretty late," Paige said, pointing towards the dashboard clock.
"I didn't realize it was so late," Emily said, suddenly feeling embarrassed. "I could have sworn I watched the sun go down only moments ago."
"You were pretty deep in thought," Paige said. "I didn't really want to disturb you but you must be exhausted now. We should have switched hours ago."
"It's no problem really," Emily said, still feeling the weight of her worries for the other woman, thinking to herself: "This at least I can do for you."
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Emily slept a fitful sleep that night in their roadside motel. They hadn't found a place to stay until about an hour after Paige had enquired Emily about finding a place and by that time they were both too exhausted to anything except collapse into bed. They had eaten a couple of things in shiny wrappers from the vending machine in the reception and watched TV but conversation was limited, with Emily not wanting to initiate a conversation that was sure to make the other woman feel even more anxious than she already did but also coming up short when trying searching for something else to talk about. They had finally gone to bed around midnight, leaving both of the bedside lamps on to shine through the night.
The raven haired woman was jerked awake in the middle of the night, hearing a loud bang that she couldn't account for. She noticed that the neon sign that shone outside had changed from VACANCY to NO VACANCY and that there was a hefty wind blowing. She got out of bed, slithering towards the window to check for movement outside but failed to notice any. Once a particularly heavy gust of wind blew into the corridor she heard the noise that it made against the cheap doors and realized that the ruckus had been nothing more than the sounding storm. She turned around to get back into bed, but stopped dead in her tracks once she noticed that the other woman was lying curled up in the other bed, her breaths coming in short and ragged, and her face paper white.
"Paige, what's wrong?" Emily whispered, terrified at the sight. She reached to clasp the other woman's hand to find that it was ice cold and sweaty. It was then that it dawned on her: she was having a panic attack. She wanted to freeze in place, finding the sight uncomfortably familiar, but instead biting back and moving closer.
Emily ran into her room, throwing her bag onto her bed, biting back tears. It had come out of nowhere; a cashier's voice coming from the intercom, announcing special offers in isle 4 and then suddenly it had all come rushing back to her: the monotonous voice, saying greeting in various languages, setting the rules, telling her to do terrible things, that she had no other choices, pulling her strings…
She dashed for her closet, ripping up the door and slipping inside. The small space gave her comfort. Here no one was behind her, no one could find her, she was safe.
"My name is Emily Fields," she said to herself. "I am twenty-three years old. My parents are Pam and Wayne FIelds. I grew up in Rosewood. Six years ago I was kidnapped and kept imprisoned by Charlotte Dilaurentis. She made me do things that I didn't want to do. But now I'm okay. I am safe. I am just having a panic attack."
She placed her hands on her torso, letting out a sight which relaxed her composure:
"Now just breathe."
"Paige. Can you hear me Paige?" Emily said, fixing herself behind the other woman. "You are safe. No one can hurt you. But you are having a panic attack. So you're going to need to help me out here. I am going to help you do some breathing exercises so I need to place my arms around you. Squeeze my hand if you're okay with that."
The other woman didn't move from her rigid stance, but Emily could feel a small compression on her fingers which she interpreted as consent so she shifted her body and ever so slowly wrapped her right arm over the other woman's side and the left one under her neck, placing them on her stomach and chest respectively.
"Okay, now I need you to breathe in, but to breathe through your nose and into your stomach. Think you can do that for me?"
At first the other woman was motionless and Emily wondered whether what she said had even registered with her. She contemplated on repeating herself but then felt a small movement as Paige's stomach started swelling slightly. She was obviously struggling to comply, but from somewhere inside she had found the strength to fight back.
"Ever the champion," Emily thought, smiling in relief before speaking up. "Good. Now I need you to let it out again through your mouth."
A few seconds passed before she heard a long puff coming from the other woman, which eased her body up some more.
"This is great Paige, you're doing really good. Now you just need to repeat this, think you can manage that?" Emily asked, feeling strangely proud of the way the other woman was responding to her coaching.
This time Emily felt a small jiggle as the other woman nodded before her stomach belched up again with a concentrated inhale. She exhaled again and repeated the motion several times, guided by the push and pull of Emily's palms, who found herself breathing with the other woman. The rhythm of their breaths slowly moved their bodies and her hold on Paige, along with the brunettes position, eased her closer into the embrace. For a while even the storm outside seemed to quiet, and she heard nothing but the rhythm of their breaths and the beating of the other woman's heart, that slowed down from nervous jerking into a slow, steady cadence. Emily craned her neck to see her complexion, rejoicing that it was pinking up and her expression was becoming one of serenity. She seemed so exhausted and small now, slumped into her arms like this. Her arm shot up, grabbing the palm that Emily still had draped over her chest.
"I'm sorry," Emily said, realizing suddenly that she might have made the other woman uncomfortable by intruding on her like this when she was vulnerable. "I just wanted to make sure you were okay. I can go back to my own bed now if this is uncomfortable."
"No," Paige said, her raspy voice cutting through the night. "Em, can you please, stay with me?"
"Of course," she said, feeling relief at the brunette's words along with a feeling that she couldn't quite describe. She pulled her closer, feeling as the other woman let out a sigh and let her body melt into the embrace, before she whispered, almost inaudibly:
"I won't let you down. And I won't let you go. Not this time."