A/N:

A very interesting review was posted about this chapter and the following chapters regarding the actions of Remus and Rowan's response to said actions. I would like to address it so that there are no misunderstandings as to my intentions for writing this story.

I do not and will not ever encourage the glorification of "rape culture" or any of its implications. This includes the forceful control of one's body, actions, and emotions, regardless of gender or sexual identity. Although there might be "sweet" or "romantic" moments in this story, it is by no means intended to be idealized and will turn very dark with the sequel on numerous fronts. And although we might identify Remus and Rowan as "good" characters for a lack of a better term, they are both very flawed, as is their relationship - "fucked up" would be a more appropriate description. In no way should you base any of your relationship ideals on the dynamics expressed in this story. It is a completely fictional narrative about the development, strengthening, and maturation of two very imperfect characters who often do not demonstrate clear logic or good decisions. Although I'd like to assume that they will develop into more respectable and respectful people with time and experience, this scenario is very twisted and shouldn't be interpreted as anything positive.

That being said, I understand if you are uncomfortable with the story. If you have any concerns, I'm very open to discussing it calmly via PM. Regardless of whether or not you continue, thank you for following along to this point.

REVIEW PLEASE!

Disclaimer: I own nothing!

Chapter 37: Of Chases and New Year's Kisses

Rowan wanted to curl up and die.

The Marauders' party had only been underway for about an hour, and she was already wishing that she could be anywhere else. She was so angry that James and Sirius had dragged her back to school and kept wistfully imagining her parents and Alfred sitting in the kitchen enjoying butterbeer and conversation without her. Mina had come this year again, but for some reason that Rowan couldn't identify, she was nearly as jumpy as Rowan. Even though they'd stuck together for large parts of the night, their conversations were so awkward and forced that they'd eventually come to a silent agreement to just not talk, choosing to quietly keep each other company.

Lily, however, was there this year, which had surprised Rowan a bit, but she barely got to talk to her at all because the Head Girl had been attached to the hip of the Head Boy the entire night. It was obvious that the pair were seeing each other, even if they hadn't put labels on their relationship yet. The two of them had been standing off to the side or cuddled up on the couch with such giddy looks on their faces that Rowan felt dirty for even looking at them. She cringed internally – did she and Remus look like that when they were dating?

Sirius looked nearly as miserable as Rowan. Though the combination of Sirius, Remus, and Peter was often surprisingly exciting, Remus was completely useless, still looking as dazed and withdrawn as he had at the end of the term, and no one would ever describe Peter as a particularly outgoing or entertaining figure. Sirius was trying desperately to engage his mates but seemed to be on the verge of giving up.

Luckily, there seemed to be many people there this year, so no one else seemed to have noticed the group's strange behavior over the loud shouting and music. Rowan was trying to hold a conversation with her roommates Lacey Jones and Suzanne Bowlin but was having a very hard time matching their level of enthusiasm. When they began gossiping about New Year's Eve kisses and whom they wanted to snog that night, she suddenly felt very overwhelmed and excused herself, saying that she needed some fresh air. She needed to get away from these people.

Remus saw Rowan exit out of the Portrait Hole and felt his throat constrict. He'd been watching her all night, vaguely noticing Sirius' attempts to engage him. He wanted to talk to her desperately but hadn't seen any opportunities to. He scowled to himself. Even if there had been an opportunity, he didn't even know what he was going to say to her, let alone convince her out of her decision.

When he'd seen her in the Hogwarts kitchens that night at the end of November, he'd been so inexplicably angry. He was ashamed to admit it, but he was jealous and bitter that she'd seemed to have moved on already and wasn't interested in resuming their close friendship despite saying that she did. Every time he saw her talking to another boy or emerging from the dungeons again, he felt a raging jealousy in his stomach. He missed her desperately, and he was bent on being as close to her as he could, even if he couldn't be with her. He kept telling himself that just having her near, having her safe and happy was enough for him, but when he saw her retreating away from him, the dark presence in the back of his mind shot its hand out to pull her back.

But he hadn't imagined the true nature of what she'd been doing in her secret wanderings. When he'd seen the images in the book he'd grabbed from her – images that he knew, that he recognized with a churning in his stomach as himself – terror had shot through him. How could she possibly still be bent on doing this, when he'd hurt her and rejected her? She shouldn't want anything to do with his condition. She should be safe! He felt everything that he'd done, all the ways that he'd hurt both of them, fall away to nothing. How was he supposed to protect her if she pursued this?

So he'd threatened her, and the anger that had flashed in her eyes almost made him rethink. It wasn't the usual fire that he saw but frigid and howling. He was almost convinced that he'd finally made her hate him.

But when she'd whispered those icy words back to him, it was as if all the air in his lungs had been sucked from his mouth. He couldn't breathe, couldn't believe that this girl, his kind Rowan, could say something so cold, so cruel. The hurt that he saw on her face as the words left her mouth left him reeling, unseeing. He barely registered her soft parting words as she turned to leave.

He'd spent the next month playing the entire scene in his head over and over again. He thought about how he'd left her, how her face had been taking on those yearning distant looks recently. His mind replayed her summer letters – how much had it hurt her to write those, pretending that she was okay? She'd tried so hard to forgive him despite all the reasons not to, always taking what little he had to offer her with warm smiles and ready arms. He thought about her fiery exchange with the intimidating wizard in the Great Hall, how her eyes had sparked, and he realized with shame that he'd watched her shake hands with the devil without even knowing it – for him.

He thought about her words before he'd left for that terrible transformation: I'll always worry.

He was overcome with grief. How could he have let this happen? He never should have thought that he could be with her. He should have known that he was too dangerous, too inhuman to possibly make someone like her happy. He should have known that she wouldn't accept their breakup and move on. She'd told him. She'd told him! They weren't just flighty words – she'd told him her secret ambitions, and he'd forgotten all about them, assuming that she'd forget them too. If he had just kept his damn feelings to himself last fall, none of this would have happened, and they'd still be friends!

But she hadn't forgotten, and now she was in deep. He wanted to kill that wizard, that damned Potions Master. Just who the hell was he? It'd been obvious by her reaction to the man that she'd been waiting for him to come. All of her other conversations with recruiting employers had been formalities. She'd wanted to meet him, and Remus was desperate to know who he was.

But through it all, he was most ashamed to realize that no matter how much grief or guilt he felt, he could never truly walk away from her. He needed her in his life in some form, even if it was just a small glimmer of her. He thought he might disappear if he didn't have her light, and the thought of her hating him, her icy disdain, knocked the air from his lungs.

Ignoring Sirius' questions, he walked toward the Portrait Hole after her. He had to convince her to stop all of this.

The cold marble of the staircase railings was cold against Rowan's palm as she dragged it along, walking down the moving stairs at a sticky pace. It was soothing and smooth, grounding Rowan in the present as her slow thoughts threatened to snatch her from her body.

She'd been in such a good place at home. Her family finally had a shining moment of peace, and she had been floating on the pleased tone of Belby's letters. Why did James and Sirius have to drag her away from it, when she was so happy?

The sight of Remus had hit her hard, and she'd had to collect herself with shaky breaths in her room before Lily dragged her and Mina downstairs to the Common Room, no doubt excited about the kiss she'd receive from James later that night. She'd tried to avoid Remus the entire evening, but she could feel his steady gaze upon her, and it made her skin crawl with anxiety.

She wasn't exactly sure where she was going, but she mused that it was technically not after hours, as there were no lessons. The teachers were all undoubtedly drinking somewhere with each other, not patrolling the hallways for wandering students. She smiled lightly with mirth at the thought of a drunk Professor Slughorn stealing a kiss from an irate Professor McGonagall at midnight. She'd pay good money to see something like that.

She was feeling so eerily calm in the cold dark, looking up at the moon spilling in through the high windows of Gryffindor Tower, that she didn't even hear the footsteps approach her until it was too late. When she finally turned to see Remus standing a flight above her, her stomach dropped, and she felt the blood rush from her face. He was the last person she wanted to see.

Rowan was at a loss for words. Remus had a strange yet determined expression on his face, eyebrows furrowed, lips pursed tightly. She felt a dull ache between excitement at seeing him and raw mortification. She couldn't find her voice.

"Rowan," he said beseechingly. It echoed around the silence between them.

The sound of her name on his voice sounded so foreign and detached. She wasn't sure what to do or how to react. She could hear her heart pounding in her head and a strange tingling in her legs.

She was surprised at the sudden surge of anger that erupted in her chest. It startled her with its intensity, and it hit her suddenly with such a force that it knocked the words from her throat. Her eyes burned into him, and his face seemed to wash over with fear at the sudden burst of emotions on her face. She couldn't talk to this boy. She needed to get away from him. She felt her legs tearing down the stairs away from him before she could even think to stop herself.

"Wait!" she heard him shout after her, feet scrambling down the stairs.

Rowan was panicking. She was sprinting as hard as she could, lungs searing, but knew she couldn't outrun him long and had absolutely no ideas as to where to go. He was too close behind her to slip into any classrooms unnoticed. How was she going to get away from him? She felt herself instinctively reach for her wand.

She turned suddenly, and shock flashed across his face as he saw her pull her wand out and shout, "Depulso!" at a nearby shelf of books, sending a mass of large texts flying at him with a flash of white light before turning and running again.

Remus felt his throat constrict with panic as he pulled out his wand and shouted instinctively, "Protego!" The books ricocheted off his Shield Charm and hit the wall with a series of echoing thuds. "Seriously, Rowan?" he shouted at her as he took off after her again. "Just wait a minute!"

"Leave me alone!" she shouted back at him angrily. Why was this happening? She wasn't even sure why she was running anymore, but the thought of being caught by him now was horrifying, and she needed to put as much distance between them as possible.

But he was quickly gaining on her, and she was panicking. She didn't want to hex him, but if she didn't do something, he was going to catch her. What could she possibly say to him at this point?

She turned and stopped again. He had nearly reached her. Terror seized her arm. "Patellum Revers-" she began, but Remus had whipped his wand out before she could finish and shouted, "Silencio!"

She felt the words sucked from her mouth, and she found that she couldn't even scream. Fury overtook her, and her body shook with rage. The rage paralyzed her limbs momentarily, and before she could move, Remus had reached her, grabbing both of her wrists as she flailed out to hit him, pushing her back against the wall.

The force of her back hitting the cold surface knocked the wind out of her for a moment, but she couldn't even gasp. Her missing voice was infuriating, and she kept trying to scream at him, thrashing her arms desperately to get out of his hold, but his grip was firm, and she quickly found herself completely pinned by the wrists.

He was grunting with effort to control her violent movements, half-shouting at her, "Row-Rowan! Stop it! I said stop it!" But she wasn't listening, now using her knees to push at him. He felt his breath knocked from him for a moment as she landed a hard knee to his stomach. "Rowan. Rowan! LISTEN TO ME!" he roared.

She froze. She'd never heard Remus raise his voice in anger, and it frightened her to the core. She looked up at him and found Remus staring her down. She could see that he was fighting his anger, but he still looked fiercely determined to be heard out. She was ashamed at the tremble that rippled through her. They were both panting heavily.

"I'm going to let go of you and let you speak again, but you have to promise me that you'll hear what I have to say, okay?" he said slowly, stressing each word.

Rowan glared scathingly at him. How dare he take her voice away from her and put her in this position? It was humiliating!

"Promise me!" he commanded. The ferocity in his voice made her tremble again. She nodded slowly and felt his hands cautiously loosen their grip from her wrists before slowly dropping to his sides. He raised his wand to Rowan's throat and whispered, "Eloquoro."

She felt something force down her throat like a gush of wind, and she gasped. She choked on her own voice for a moment before looking back up at him glaringly. He had stepped away from her but still remained very close, looking down at her guiltily.

"What is wrong with you?" she gasped angrily.

His eyebrows furrowed with anger. "What's wrong with me? You were the one who started throwing spells!"

Rowan stood straight and glared at him. "What kind of person chases after someone that obviously doesn't want to speak to them? I had every right to!"

They glared each other down, both seething. Finally, she saw something flicker in Remus' face before it softened slightly.

"I'm sorry," he said stiffly, "but I had to find a way to talk to you. You have to hear me out."

Rowan snorted. "Well, you've got me here now, so might as well get on with it," she said derisively, an edge still attached to her voice.

Remus didn't speak. He continued to look at her with that same look he'd given her before their chase. Rowan started getting angry again.

"Look, if you're not going to say anything, then I-" she started angrily.

"You have to stop this," he interjected, looking fierce. Rowan gaped at him, confused. Stop this…?

Oh. The anger from before erupted in her stomach and burned its way up her throat.

"How dare you," she spat. "You have absolutely no right to tell me what I can and can't do. I already told you that I'm going to pursue this whether you like it or not, so stay out of my fucking business!"

She saw the anger flare in his eyes, and she trembled again. No matter how many times she saw it, it still sent icy tendrils shooting up her spine.

"You don't fucking get it!" he shouted. "Don't you understand? This is beyond both of us! You're going to waste your life away looking for a cure that doesn't exist! You can't save me, Rowan! I've already accepted it, so why can't you?" He was bordering on hysteria.

Rowan was terrified. She'd never seen Remus like this. He was manic, face red with fury. She imagined for a moment that she could see the werewolf raging inside of him. Her blood went cold.

Remus was frantically searching her face for some kind of response, looking like he needed to break something.

"You have to let go of me, Rowan," he cried desperately. "You have to let go of me! I will never be able to live with myself if…" he trailed off. He covered his eyes, unable to look at her.

They were so close to each other – not even an arm's length apart – but Remus felt so far from her, like there were worlds between them. The space between them was painful, and he was struck with the realization that he would be forever forced to stay this way – just within reach of her but unable to touch. It was overwhelming. Everything inside him ached.

The fear inside of Rowan cut into her at the shrillness of Remus' voice. He was desperate. She could see him mentally groping blindly for any argument that he could feed her. The guilt welled up – he was trying so hard to protect her, but she wouldn't budge. She knew that she was going to have to make him hate her, to make him push her away with disgust, but she couldn't find the words or the courage.

Grief – it overwhelmed her.

"Can't you see?" she asked desperately. Her voice came out hushed and windy. He was so still now, so eerily calm, still not looking at her. "This is my choice," she whispered. Tears stung bitterly at her eyes, but she blinked them away. "This is my choice," she said, more firmly, louder. "You've already selfishly decided the other for me." She cringed inwardly at the accusatory sound but remained steadfast. "But this one is mine. Even if you don't believe that I can do this, even if you hate me," her voice trembled. He looked distraught. "I'm going to see this through to the end with or without you," she said fiercely.

His eyes were wide with a manic desperation. He grabbed her roughly at the shoulders. "Why?" he demanded, shaking her. "Why can't you just be happy? All I want is for you to be happy!" His face was dangerously close to hers. She could see the desperate tears forming in his eyes. "Can't you see what you've done? You're going to be miserable because of me!" She could feel his weight in her shoulders, as if he couldn't stand without supporting himself on her.

"No," she whispered. The words forced their way out of her mouth before she could stop them. "I will be miserable because you didn't love me enough to give me the choice," she finished bitterly. The tears had finally spilled.

She saw something break inside of Remus, and then she was slammed back into the wall with his mouth covering hers desperately. She instinctively pushed at him, but he grabbed her by the wrists and pinned them to the wall again. She felt his tongue force its way into her mouth, and though she knew she should fight it, she felt herself being swept away by his ferocity, attempting weakly to keep up with his brutal pace. His teeth scored her lips, and though she could feel them swell and bruise, heat shot through her that made her ache with need. A whimper escaped from her throat.

But then he tore away from her, and she crumpled to her knees painfully, unable to find her legs. He was panting with his face in his hands. She could see his shoulders trembling – he was crying. She felt the wetness on her cheeks and wondered if they were his or hers.

Finally, he removed his hands from his face, and she saw a look of deep shame there. She felt more tears spill from her eyes. He was so out of reach – why couldn't she reach him?

Then he turned and began to walk away. He looked so small. It seemed so slow, so surreal. Was this all just a strange dream?

She felt a small bubble of panic rise in her throat. "Remus," she whispered, but he didn't look back at her. The panic began to froth. "Remus!" she called after him. Please don't, please don't, she heard frantically in her mind. It was as if his Silencing Charm had dried up the words in her mouth again.

But he didn't slow or quicken his pace. He just kept walking and eventually she saw him turn a corner and disappear without looking back.