AN: This is a long one people!

So the reason I have come up with this story is that I think it is obvious Tony has money but if it is not from his father then where is it from. Obviously he lives in a nice apartment, nice furniture, all the mod cons in the kitchen, and when he was unemployed buying a last minute ticket to Israel didn't seem to faze him. Also, once Ziva was no longer in danger he was obviously no longer under NCIS jurisdiction (and financial assistance) in his months long search around the middle east looking for Ziva. Here is how I think he got his money.

I am really interested to know what you think of this chapter, so please keep the reviews coming.

37 - Goodbye Nana Jo

I returned to work the next Monday and from the get go I had my mask firmly in place. Of course by the time I arrived it had spread like wild fire that my wedding had not gone ahead but the details had apparently not been forthcoming from Gibbs, Ducky or Abby. People were dying to know what happened and when I was greeted with "Sorry to hear you called off the wedding," or "What did you do to piss her off?" or "You saw the light just in time hey," and I was happy enough to allow any misconceptions to remain uncorrected going so far as to encourage their belief. Of course, the fact that I came in with a beaming smile and a nonchalant attitude didn't help dispel those incorrect rumors. And the laughs and jokes I shared at my own expense just confirmed everyone's thoughts on the matter. I wouldn't allow the overhead comments of "He isn't even pretending to be sad, what an asshole," or "He must have screwed around on her," to make a dint, not until I was at home anyway.

If Gibbs noticed my change in demeanor from the Saturday before to today he chose not to say anything, he did however keep shooting looks my way as if he was expecting me to crumble, or trying to work out where the blubbering, snot producing Tony had gone. Well he was tucked away safe and sound, Gibbs.

As expected I was sent down to Abby's lab fairly early, Gibbs wanting just as much as I did to get that particular meeting over and done with. She saw me enter and came running as fast as her Frankenstein inspired footwear would allow but before she could engulf me in a heartfelt hug I held up my hands and stopped her. "Abby, I'm fine."

She tilted her head and looked at me, "No you're not Tony, you couldn't possibly be after what she did to you." Again she walked forward but again I stopped her.

"Look Abby, I know you mean well but really, I don't need a hug. I just need to get the lab results and take them up to Gibbs. Can we do that?"

"OK Tony," she turned and walked back to her desk and picked up the folder I had been sent down for. "Tony, if you ever need to talk or want to, you know… hang out."

"I won't, but thank you. Really Abby, I'm fine. Shit happens, it's no big deal." I took the file from her but before I could turn around she threw her arms around me whether I wanted her to or not.

I just stood there, not hugging her back, clenching my jaw and going through my mental checklist of mask fixture while she clung to me, "You can pretend this doesn't upset you all you want Tony, but I know you, I know you are hurting and when you are ready, I will be here waiting. Anytime, day or night."

I didn't really know what to say to that. Wanting to trust her but not willing to allow myself to be hurt again. So I walked away.

Gibbs also sent me down to autopsy as well, again to retrieve a 'report' but at least Ducky or Gerald didn't try to hug me. "Ah there you are my boy, good to see you back at work."

"Good to be back Ducky, I was going a little stir crazy at home."

"Yes I can imagine you would find that quite tedious. A busy Tony is a happy Tony." He turned to me with a stricken look on his face, "I'm sorry my boy, I didn't mean to be so flippant. I don't want to make out that your pain is so easily ignored, please forgive me."

"Nothing to forgive Duck, I'm fine. Life goes on and all that."

"Yes, Gibbs did mention that you seem to have made a remarkable recovery following your broken betrothal." He looked at me then as if studying on of his samples. "Yes, remarkable so it would seem."

OK, so Gibbs had come down to talk to Ducky about me. Just great.

"What can I say, Duck; you can't keep a DiNozzo down. You got that report for me?"

As Abby had done earlier he turned around and retrieved a report from his desk and then handed it to me, but unlike Abby there was no flinging of arms around my neck and for that I will be eternally grateful. "You know, Anthony, it helps to talk to someone in times of personal upheaval. My door is always open should you wish to have a chat over a cup of Earl Grey."

"Thanks Ducky but I really prefer English Breakfast. Thanks for the file." And once again I found myself walking away from someone who just wanted to help me.

I threw myself into my work, not that I had much choice because a week after my return we were once again back to a two-man team. Turns our working one on one with Gibbs for the week and a half I was away was too much for young Hanna. Oh well, just as well really, the less who knew the old Tony the better besides, the extra money I was getting with all the overtime was a blessing considering my financial predicament.

I found myself getting into a fairly predictable rhythm. On the days where 'normal' office hours applied (which was not often on Gibb's team) I would come in at 0800, work through until 1700 and then go to a bar, have sex with someone (anyone), return to work around midnight, go home at 0200 or 0300 try to get some sleep and start it all again the next day. Weekends were the hardest, but if we weren't working a case that had me in the office I would try and hook up with a woman and spend as much time in her bed as possible. The more time I was away from home the less time I spent trying to fight my OCD. I managed to have it mostly under control pretty quickly this time. Obviously the controls I learnt all those years ago at school still worked (for now).

On the outside it looked like I was as happy as a pig in mud. Guys around the office were envious of my continual stream of women; and my continual stream of women disgusted the ladies around the office (and more than a few of those 'disgusted' women were more than willing to find out for themselves how I kept them coming back for more).

Yes the old memories of the Tony 'engaged-and-can't-wait-to-get-married' DiNozzo were fading fast around NCIS. Soon he would be all but forgotten and replaced with the Tony 'couldn't-make-a-commitment-if-it-killed-him' DiNozzo or Tony 'why-did-Gibbs-hire-this-dumb-ass-again?' DiNozzo. Only a few held tightly to the original version and they were unwilling to forget him no matter how much I tried to convince them he never existed. I will always be grateful to Gibbs, Ducky and Abby for holding on to that version of me when I couldn't.

Three months after my non-nuptials I received a phone call while I was at a particularly grizzly crime scene. "DiNozzo," I answered automatically without checking the ID assuming it was Ducky or Gerald asking for directions again.

"Anthony, hello, it's your Uncle Jeremy. How are you my lad?"

"Oh, wow, hi Uncle Jeremy, I'm good. This is a surprise. Is everything OK?"

"Well actually, no I'm afraid it isn't. I sorry to be the bearer of bad news but I'm afraid Mum, your Nana Jo, passed away tonight."

I was shocked. I had only been speaking to her a month ago after news had reached her of my split with Wendy and she seemed her usual indestructible self. "What happened?" By now I could tell I had Gibbs attention but he was trying hard not to be obvious about it. I left the room to go outside for some privacy.

"It was a massive stroke. Thankfully it was quite quick and relatively painless." I could hear my uncle starting to choke up at the other end of the line.

"I'm so sorry Jeremy. How are you and Clive holding up?"

"Oh well I'm fine, you know stiff upper lip and all that. Clive isn't doing as well. Anyway, the funeral is being held on Monday and I know if would mean the world to her if you could attend. I know it is a lot to ask with you being so far away and busy in your new job but if you would make it, it really would be appreciated… by all of us."

"I can't make any promises but I will try."

"Well that is all we can ask. Let us know when you can and we are more than happy to picked you up from the airport."

"OK, I'll let you know. Goodbye Uncle Jeremy."

"Goodbye Anthony."

I stood where I was for a few moments, shocked and saddened by the news. My Nana Jo was dead. Memories of her flooded my mind and for a brief moment my mask slipped just in time for Ducky to arrive on scene. "Is everything OK Anthony, something appears to have upset you."

I quickly shook myself out of my reverie and returned to work throwing, "I'm fine Ducky," over my shoulder as I walked away.

I continued to work then not wanting to really think about my loss, and trying to ignore the looks that were being thrown my way by Gibbs and Ducky. I also wasn't ready to ask Gibbs for time off and the barrage of questions that was sure to follow. We arrived back at the NCIS and by the time we handed off the evidence to Abby, did our background checks and followed up the most pertinent leads it was well past 2300 and I was ready to head home to bed.

I decided though that if I wanted to go to England this weekend I really had to ask Gibbs now if I could have the time I wanted. Right, here goes, just like ripping off a band-aid.

"Ah Gibbs, I was wondering if…"

"The answers yes DiNozzo."

"You don't even know what I was going to ask you."

"You were asking for some time off weren't you?" he said looking up at me.

"Well yes but you don't even know why."

"Don't need to know. Is it important to you?"

"Yes, very."

"That's good enough for me," he responded.

"How do you know I don't just want to have a dirty weekend with someone."

Gibbs just smiled, "Firstly, this is something you are not really looking forward too or you would have asked straight away, secondly if you were asking for time off to screw around you know you would have been looking for another job next week."

"True. It will hopefully only be a few days."

"That's fine."

I turned to pack up my gear and leave but I couldn't leave it at that. I felt like I owed him an explanation whether he wanted one or not. It was the least I could offer him for his quiet but appreciated support. "My grandmother died this morning, well last night her time. The funeral is on Monday in London."

"Sorry for your loss DiNozzo," then he looked up at me again, "my door's always open you know," and with that simple statement I felt my resolve weaken just a tiny bit. I didn't matter how much I had tried to keep Gibbs, and everyone else at arms length over the last few months, he was still be there when I needed him, for when I was ready. But I wasn't ready, not yet.

I booked my ticket that night for a Saturday evening flight, which would arrive Sunday morning London time. Unfortunately due to the fact it was only a couple of days before the flight it was a full fair ticket. There goes another chunk onto my credit card. I was starting to think that keeping my unit was a mistake. Maybe if I sold it I would get enough back to pay off the cards and start again. I would call a Real Estate Agent next week.

When I arrived at the airport, there was a surprise waiting in the shape of a duck, a Mallard to be precise. "What are you doing here Ducky?" I asked when he saw me approach.

"Ah there you are. I am sorry I didn't call but I have been dying to return to the mother-land but dread flying on my own, and with Mother not as healthy as she used to be I was worried that I may never get back there. Once I heard you would be flying to London I couldn't help but make a spontaneous trip myself. I hope you don't mind do you."

Never bullshit a bullshitter Ducky, and this was a big old steaming turd. This man had circumnavigated the globe at least 17 times by my calculations based on his stories, so the idea of him dreading flying on his own was absolutely laughable. I gave him my 'you don't seriously expect me to believe that' look but he refused to meet my eyes and instead said, "Well we must hurry and book in I suppose," and he headed off towards to the check in counters. However, he headed towards the first class line and my ticket was for coach so it looked like he may have been telling the truth and I wouldn't have to endure the ME's well meaning but prying question for the eight-hour flight after all.

I handed my ticket over to the attractive check in lady and was about to try out my best DiNozzo lines on this attractive brunette when she said, "Oh you have been upgraded to first class sir. You can head in via that door over there."

"Really? But I bought a coach ticket."

"Yes the refund will be put through within seven days for that transaction. Have a lovely flight."

Confused I looked over to where she indicated and saw Ducky waving me over.

"Come on Anthony, we need to get going. I hope you don't mind but the idea of sitting all alone up in First Class seemed quite boring so I bought you a seat next to mine, my shout of course. It will give us a chance to catch up."

And there it was. There was no escaping him now. Why did I feel I was set up in some nefarious plot devised by the devious Leroy Jethro Gibbs? God this would be a long flight.

We boarded the flight and made our way to our seats. I must admit I had missed flying first class but was concerned as to how much this would cost, not in dollars but in pieces of my mind. Ducky had an uncanny ability to get information out of me without me even realizing. Regaling me with his verbal diarrhea until you are answering his questions just to get him to shut up. Hold on! Who does that sound like? Oh yeah, me! Great he was using my own tools against me.

After we settled in to our seats and the plane pulled away from the gates he said, "I am sorry to hear of your grandmother's passing. Where you close?"

And it begins. I sighed wondering if I could keep the Doctor at bay for the next eight hours with answers that were truthful but only just brushed the surface of my true feelings. I doubted it, but I was going to try. "I have only seen her a handful of times since my mother passed away."

"You were quite young when that happened weren't you?"

"Yes, quite."

Ducky paused, no doubt realizing that I had worked out his ploy and rethinking his approach. "I couldn't imagine losing my mother at such a young age. I mean I know I complain about having her around but it truly is wonderful having that support you know. But I suppose your father was there for you though wasn't he."

I snorted in response.

"What was that?"

"Nothing I was clearing my throat," I replied with a fake cough.

"Hmm, so we were talking about your father. Will he be attending I would very much like to meet him."

"I doubt it Ducky. He and my mother's family didn't exactly get on."

"Oh and why was that?"

"Let's just say they had a difference of opinion as to my upbringing."

"Dear me, that must have been very difficult for you to be put in that position." I just shrugged in response. "I noticed that your father didn't need to be turned away at the church after you and Wendy… well you know. I imagine you managed to get hold of him in the morning."

"Yep, he finally answered one of my calls."

"Gibbs didn't mention seeing him when he arrived at your room. I would have thought he would be there to support you in your hour of need."

"My father was otherwise engaged I am afraid. He wouldn't have been there even if there had been a wedding."

Ducky actually looked taken aback. "Are you saying he wasn't going to attend his only son's wedding?"

I could feel the anger I had put off since my call to my father that day start to arrive. Great! "Well, it's not like I went to all of his weddings, not that I was invited to most of them. I suppose he just assumed he would make it to another one of mine. It just pisses me off…" I stopped, not wanting to discuss it any further with Ducky.

But he wasn't having any of it, "What is that annoys you so?"

"Nothing, just forget I said anything."

"As you wish but holding on to anger is not healthy you know." He finally stopped talking and looked out his window. I leaned my head back against the seat and closed my eyes hoping this part of the conversation was over. I looked at my watch. Good grief we were only ten minutes into the flight and already he had me almost say something I didn't want to. This man was good; he would make a good shrink.

"You never did come down for that cup of tea and a chat. I even bought English Breakfast just for you," he started up again.

"Been busy catching bad guys Duck."

"Well surely you could have snuck away for ten minutes. Gibbs wouldn't have minded I am sure." I remained silent. "I notice you seem to have been dating quite a bit. Are you sure you are ready to jump back into another relationship?"

"I am not jumping into any relationship, trust me. Will be a cold day in hell before I do that again."

"So why are you dating so many young women if you are not interested in a relationship with them?" I raised my eyebrows and shot him a look. "Ah I see. Well while that might make you happy in the short term Anthony, I doubt it will allow you any real comfort. True comfort can only be obtained from trusted friends and family."

"Yeah well I am running pretty short on both of those so looks like short term happiness is the most I can expect right now."

Ducky looked at me and I could see hurt in his eyes. "I'm sorry you feel that way Anthony. I understand you seem to have issues when it comes to family, but I assure you, you have friends; friends who care about you very much; friends who can't help but be worried about how you are shutting everyone out."

Great, half hour in and I had already hurt Ducky's feelings. Good going DiNozzo! "I'm sorry Ducky, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings but, you know…"

"No Anthony, I don't know. Please tell me!"

"It's just that I have had a pretty crappy year Ducky. Twelve months ago I was on top of the world. I was with a woman I loved, my job was great, I had a partner I trusted and now… I have been betrayed by the very people I trusted the most, not just in the last year, but before that; right back to Mummy and Daddy dearest. I just … The only person I trust not to stab me in the back is myself, so I'm sorry if I seem to have become distant from you all but I am just sick of getting screwed over."

"We wouldn't do that to you Anthony."

"Yeah, well I've heard that before." I sighed just wanting this trip to be over already… only seven and a half hours to go. "I'm sorry Duck, I don't mean to be rude but I haven't been getting a great deal of sleep lately and I was just hoping to have a nap right about now."

I reclined my chair and rolled my body away from Ducky so he couldn't see that sleep would once again elude me.

"Of course my boy. Sleep well."

I managed to hold off Ducky's gentle prodding by feigning sleep for another two hours until it was time for our meal. He must have decided to let the emotional probing go for now and instead managed to regale me with stories of his misspent youth and ever increasingly unbelievable stories of his time spent travelling the world. The remainder of the flight was quite pleasurable and by the time we landed I was quite happy to have passed the time listening to Ducky's tall tales.

As promised Uncle Jeremy was there to pick me up and I introduced Ducky to my uncle. When my Uncle Jeremy asked where he was staying Ducky admitted that he hadn't really had time to consider his options and asked if there was a reasonable hotel in the area.

"Don't be ridiculous, you can stay with us at Clive's. There is plenty of room."

"Oh I couldn't possibly, you all have such a personal time ahead I would be nothing but an intrusion to your time of mourning."

"Rubbish, my mother would be the first to open her home to you and I would be honoring her memory by doing the same. Come on now Dr Mallard, into the car with you."

"Well that is most kind, most kind indeed. I must tell you about the time that I managed to stay with the Danish Royal Family in Copenhagen…"

We arrived at Uncle Clive's estate and it was just how I remembered it. On the drive up Jeremy had informed me that Clive was not as well as he had been, having refused to take his medication over the last few months and having taken his mother's death very hard. Crispin had been staying with him but unless they could get him back on his medication again, it would soon become too much for him and they would have to consider hospitalization again. We all exited the car and the man himself, Uncle Clive, ran down the front stairs and greeted us in a velour robe that he had obviously been wearing for some time judging by the smell and stains, a pair of Wellington boots and apparently no underwear. The change in him since my last visit two years ago was shocking.

"Anthony, is that you?" He rushed forward and grabbed me in a bear hug, feeling very bear like in his furry robe (man I hoped the flaps at the front were still closed!). He pulled back but held my head between his hands and looked intensely at me. "She's gone. They took her away."

"Who took her Uncle Clive?"

"The mole people. The mole people took her. They told me it was a stroke but it wasn't. It was them!"

"OK, well how about we go inside and you can tell me all about them after you take your medication?" I could see Ducky watching our interaction intensely.

Clive's anger flared, "I don't need medication! They give me the medication so I can't see the truth. Can't see that they are taking everyone I love from me. First Father and then Emily and now Mother. You know they took your mother don't you? You know that don't you Anthony. Our beautiful Emily! They say she killed herself but she didn't, she wouldn't do that. Not to you and not to me. No, they took her, underground to their lair. We need to find them and free them. They must be so scared." His eyes welled with tears his anger having morphed into fear and then sadness. He whispered between sobs, "They would be so scared down there."

I was shocked to see how bad my uncle was, and embarrassed to have Ducky bare witness to my family insanity. Jeremy gave both Ducky and I an apology and escorted Clive back inside and back to his room.

I looked over at Ducky who was watching me intently, "So that's my uncle Clive."

"An interesting chap," was Ducky's only response.

We settled into our rooms and Ducky asked if I would join him in a walk around the grounds. As much as I didn't want another deep and meaningful talk from him, I could think of no polite reason to refuse his request and so we walked. Surprisingly though, there was little by way of talking. Surely this glimpse into my life must have him just dying to know more, especially that little morsel about my mother killing herself. So glad that came up within two minutes of arriving. But if he was curious he kept it to himself, instead telling me the names of some of the trees and flowers that we didn't have in the states and their ancient medicinal uses, and also some of the local history I didn't know about. All in all it was a pleasant walk and it managed to alleviate some of the stress that had started to build up since we arrived. Maybe that had been his purpose all along.

We enjoyed a traditional English meal that evening of roast lamb and vegetables with mint jelly followed by steamed golden syrup pudding with custard for desert. Ducky couldn't stop complementing Crispin's wife, Sandra, on her cooking and how different a roast tasted in England compared to America. I couldn't taste the difference personally but apparently everyone at the table agreed with him. After dinner everyone retired to their rooms except Ducky and I who were still on Washington time and wouldn't be tired for hours (well I was always tired lately but sleep I knew would elude me until dawn). Ducky helped himself to a book from the library and sat down in front of the roaring fire while I made my way upstairs to my Nana's rooms and let myself in. I had always felt welcomed into Jo's room and tonight was no exception, even if she wasn't here to give permission. I walked around and picked up a few personal items that bought back memories, I looked at the photographs on the mantle. I picked up a photo album she had on her bedside table and took a seat in her rocking chair that she placed near the window allowing her to look out over the fields.

I started turning he pages and saw photos of Nana as a young woman, gradually aging as the pages flicked over. There was a photo of her with my grandfather on their wedding day. He had died shortly after I was born so I never actually met him. I could see that he had the same eyes as my mother and myself. I continued flicking through the pages, stopping at the photos of my mother as a baby and as she grew up, the only girl with two older brothers. There was a photo of her playing the piano on stage with the whole orchestra behind her. What I wouldn't give to hear her play one more time, to see her up on the stage performing for an audience. Sighing I turned the page again and there was the wedding photo. Mum and Dad smiling, so happy, with both sets of grandparents flanking them.

"Your mother was a beautiful woman Tony." I jumped. I had been so lost in my own thoughts that I hadn't heard Ducky come up behind me. "Sorry my boy, didn't mean to startle you," he said laying a hand on my shoulder.

"How did you know that was my mom?" I asked looking at the photo and wondering what had given it away.

"Well I must admit it was your father that gave it away. You really are the spitting image of him. It didn't take much to conclude the stunning blonde with your eyes would therefore be your mother." "

Hmm, maybe you should be the investigator Ducky." I turned the next page and there I was. Little baby Anthony. "Wow."

Ducky came and stood over my shoulder to see what had grabbed my interest. "Oh my, weren't you a little chubby bubby."

"Yep, looks like I have always been keen on my food, doesn't it."

Ducky laughed, "Yes indeed, but that smile I would recognize in an instant. Not that I have seen it that much lately."

I didn't understand what he was talking about. If anything I was smiling too much these days. "I smile all the time!"

"Yes, but not with your eyes Anthony. You might be able to fool most people, but not those that really know you. See how happy you are in that photo. That is a smile I have not seen for a few months now. It's a shame. I do miss that smile."

I didn't really know what to say. Thankfully I was saved from having to say anything as Ducky decided it was time to go to bed and bid me good night. I continued to leaf through the rest of the album but I kept coming back to the only one of my mother and myself. I didn't have any photos of her so I was trying desperately to etch these into my memory. It is strange that if you had asked me to recall my mother's face, I would have struggled to provide any sort of detail, but as soon as I saw the photo of her I knew her instantly. Ducky described her as beautiful but to me she was simply Mom.

I sat there until the sun started to lighten the horizon and I decided I needed to go to my room and at least try to get a few hours sleep before the funeral at 11:00. T

he funeral was a proper affair. My Uncle Jeremy did the eulogy while a few of her closest friends spoke of tales that made us all laugh and cry in equal measures. I had been asked to be a pallbearer along with Jeremy, my cousin Crispin, his two brothers-in-law, and one of my grandmother's nephews. Uncle Clive was too unwell to carry the responsibility. I considered it an honor to be asked. Ducky had asked if he could attend and when I asked why he wasn't off visiting the "mother-country" as per his original cover story he simply told me that sometimes the best trips were about the people you meet along the way, rather than the destination. "And I have quite enjoyed meeting your family. They are good people. Not surprising considering you are such a good egg."

"Yeah well this particular carton has a few scrambled ones in for good measure," I said nodding towards my Uncle Clive as he started stripping out of his suit as soon as he was outside the church. "I better go over and help Crispin keep him decent, at least until we get home."

We managed to wrangle Uncle Clive into the car and were off back to his home for the wake. Crispin and I chatted on the trip home and I found out that he and his family had moved in with Clive about six months ago, as it was getting too hard for Nana Jo to handle him on her own. I had to appreciate his dedication to our uncle and envy how close they all were as a family unit. I couldn't imagine my father doing something like that for me, and to be honest I couldn't imagine doing something like that for my own father. Crispin and I may not be best friends, but I loved him for what he was doing for Clive. Family is complicated.

A couple of hours into the wake Jeremy asked me if I would join him and some of the family in the den. Turns out it was time to read the will and I had been named as a beneficiary. Apart from Clive, Jeremy and his three children, there were the two nephews who had also been pallbearers and a few other close friends of Nana Jo.

The family lawyer started as was standard, "This is the last will and testament of Josephine Emily Paddington (nee Robarts) and I do hereby bequeath unto…" I sat politely and listened as Nana Jo left various personal items to her dearest friends, keepsakes to her nephews and nieces and finally it came to her grandchildren. "To each of my grandchildren I leave a sum of twenty thousand pounds each." Yes! I didn't want to seem materialistic but this was a godsend. It was as if Nana Jo was still watching over me and taking care of me in a way my own parents had been unable to. I was trying to work out the conversion from pounds to US dollars in my head and working out if that was enough to pay of my debt, and I wasn't really listening to the reminder until Uncle Jeremy nudged me and told me I might want to pay attention to the next bit.

I didn't really know why, I mean I was over the moon with what she had left me but I sat up and listened anyway.

"As to the remainder of my estate, I leave all my remaining cash and property assets to my three children, Clive, Jeremy and Emily to be split evenly between them. In relation to my late daughter's portion, I bequeath all of Emily's inheritance be passed to her only child, Anthony DiNozzo." I'm sorry, what? Did I just hear that correctly? I was stunned. Everyone else stood and started to mingle seemingly unsurprised by the outcome, but I just remained in my seat.

Jeremy leaned over, "Weren't expecting that now were you?"

I must have looked like a stunned mullet because he laughed and slapped me on the shoulder. "It won't fix everything, but at least you never need worry about money anymore. Not if you're smart that is."

"I don't mean to be crass but…?"

"How much?" Jeremy said. I nodded. "By the time we sell off her properties I would imagine you would be looking at about one and a half million give or take."

"One and a half million dollars!"

"No, pounds my boy."

"So I would get a third of that!"

"What? No, no, no, one and a half is your third. The whole estate is valued at about five million pound, less what she has bequeathed to others gives us approximately four and a half million. One and a half is Emily's and now your share."

I felt like my head was about to explode and judging by Jeremy's face he thought the same thing. "Oh my, this does seem to have given you quite the shock hasn't it? Let me go get you a drink."

He left the room in search of what I hoped was a very large serve of whisky. Everyone else had also filed out of the room leaving me sitting alone still in shock.

"Oh my goodness Anthony, is everything OK? You look just ghastly!" Ducky exclaimed upon entering.

Jeremy returned with my drink and upon handing it to me explained to Ducky, "Oh he is just a little surprised Ducky. Turns out he had quite the windfall he was not expecting."

"Really? Well that is good news. I do hope it comes close to covering the debt from the wedding, that would be a huge weight of your shoulders wouldn't it."

Jeremy laughed, "Well I do say it would cover that, wouldn't you Anthony."

I finally laughed along with Jeremy, "Yep, got that covered."

Jeremy then left us alone to go back to the guests of the wake. Ducky remained silent waiting for me to speak first. He must have been curious but I will give Ducky his due, he was not one to stick his nose in unless invited. If the roll had been reversed I would have been snooping around every nook and cranny trying to find out information. "Ducky, what would one and a half million pounds be worth in US dollars? I can't seem to remember the exchange rate."

"Well you would be looking at two million two hundred thousand dollars, or there about," then it dawned on him. "Oh my!"

I could feel the grin spreading over my face and Ducky smiled as well, happy for my good fortune. My mind started racing with all the possibilities that his opened up for me. I could travel the world, I could quit my job, I could get it in cash and roll around in it, I could just run away and start anew… But, as tempting as that last option may be, I knew I wouldn't do any of those things. No I would be smart about this. Talk to my father… No scratch that. He could never know about this. No talk to Steve, he was an economist type person, surely he would know something or someone.

Eventually my fog lifted and I was once again able to perform normal human functions such as speaking, walking and I tucked my good fortune away for contemplation at a later date. After all it could take months before the estate would be finalized.

"Well you should probably get back out there. There was a particularly lovely lady asking after you. Rebecca I believed she said her name was. Said you and she go way back."

The rest of the day went by in a blur of names and faces, all offering their condolences and trying to speak to Josephine's mysterious American grandchild. From all accounts she spoke of me often and fondly and truly regrets the time she missed out with me when contact had been lost. Ducky managed to entertain and win hearts amongst the gathered throng as well and even managing to gain a few more pen pals whom he promised to remain in contact.

Overall it was a pleasant affair and one that I think Nana Jo would have been happy with. The last guests remained until well into the evening, not leaving until they were well and truly inebriated. It was, after all, the British way to celebrate the memory of the dearly departed.

Ducky and I were booked on a flight late the next morning that would get us back to the US Tuesday evening and ready for work Wednesday. This evening I joined Ducky when he retired to the Library and having already partaken in a few celebratory drinks myself I was not in the mood to be alone. I opened a bottle of Port and poured Ducky and I both a drink. We sat quietly sipping our drink staring at the fire until Ducky finally broke the spell.

"So who was that lovely lady asking after you today? Rebecca was it?"

I smiled from the memories, "Yep. Rebecca McKinnon. We met when I came here just before my senior year."

"Ah, a Summer Love I take it."

"You could say that. She was my first, kind of." I could feel my tongue loosen thanks to the alcohol and warm fire.

"What do you mean 'kind of'?" he asked.

"Well, she was the first woman I wanted to have sex with."

"But not your first?" He asked, a slight frown creasing his forehead.

"No, that was Mrs Bowen, one of my step mother's friends. She was a Rockette… well she used to be a Rockette apparently."

"And how old were you?"

"Just turned fifteen."

"And she?" I shrugged, "I don't know, late thirties, forties maybe." I knew I was saying too much, telling Ducky things I would never say without the alcohol coursing through my veins but I didn't care. I just needed to talk. For the first time in months I wanted to talk to someone, wanted to open up about anything, everything.

Ducky could tell this was the perfect opportunity to get me to open up, not only from the drink but because he could tell I needed to. "Did your father know this had happened?"

"Nooo... well I don't think so. We pretty much hated each other's guts back then. He would have assumed it was my fault."

"I'm sure he wouldn't have thought any such thing."

"No he would have, he had every right to. I was a little shit then. I'd been suspended from school for drinking, was doing some drugs, even stole a car. I got expelled from school a couple of month after that. Did something really stupid. That's why I was sent to Military School. Dad just couldn't control me anymore. It was either that or I would have ended up in juvie… or dead."

"Well, we have all done or said things we regret, Anthony. That is why the past is behind us and our future is ahead." I nodded in agreement. After a while he broke the silence again, "Was your mother…? Was she like your uncle?"

I sighed, "In a way I suppose she was. I mean she wasn't accusing mole people of running the world but she was… troubled. I don't have many memories of my mother but the ones that I do, well, very few of them are happy ones. She was obviously deeply depressed. I can see that now but at the time I just assumed that she wasn't happy because of me, you know. Like I wasn't the child she wanted me to be, that I was a disappointment to her… Like I wasn't enough." I downed the last of my drink and got up to pour another, refusing to let Ducky see the tears threatening to spill.

"She wasn't on any medication? She wasn't seeing a doctor to help her?"

"Not that I know of, and I kind of think that may be part of the reason behind her family's dislike of my father. I think they though he should have done more for her, helped her out the way they helped Clive. Can't say I disagree with them. You wouldn't know it now but Clive, when he is on his meds, is as normal as you and me. I would have liked to have known Mom normal."

"I am sure she would have like that too."

Again we sat silently. "I worry I will turn out like her," I said, almost whispering.

"And why do you feel that?"

I shrugged, "Well I'm not exactly without my own issues. I don't know if you know this but I have OCD, suffer from insomnia, I don't like physical contact unless… you know, I can change my personality at a drop of a hat so convincingly even I start to doubt who I really am. Instead of talking to the people who care about me I built up a huge brick wall so no one can see inside. Sometimes I worry I am only a bad hair day away from my genetic mania."

"Just because there is mental illness in your family does not mean that it will affect you Anthony, in fact the chances are quite remote. Have you ever spoken to anyone about how you feel?"

"Not really. I had to see a shrink when I went to Rhode Island because they wouldn't release me from the hospital without knowing I had psych support. He helped with my OCD and stuff but we didn't get into if I was going to go flying over a cuckoo's nest or not. Other than that I really haven't seen anyone."

"Well if this is something you are concerned about, no matter how unlikely, maybe you should consider finding another therapist? Besides, in your line of work it would certainly be beneficial even if it was just to discuss your job."

"Maybe. I'll think about it."

"Well if you do I would be more than happy to help you find someone. I have actually been studying a bit of Psychology myself, wanting to add Forensic Profiling to my repertoire, so I am sure we could find someone reputable through my contacts should you so wish."

"Thanks Ducky. I appreciate that." I reflected back on all I had said. "Wow you must just think I am pretty screwed up in the head right now."

"Absolutely not, Anthony. No what I see is a man who has doubts about himself and about those around him. You have overcome adversity and abandonment and have come out all the better and stronger for it. I may not agree with your coping mechanisms but I can certainly understand why you use them. I just hope that you will continue in this vein of openness you have shared with me and instead of shutting Jethro, Abby and myself out, you allow us in, even if it is just a small amount. You are someone who needs an anchor or you may just float away and I can assure you, none of us wants that. You are dearly loved, my boy. Of that I can assure you." He leaned forward and patted my knee almost as if physical contact might just reinforce in my mind what he was saying.

I wanted to believe him, I really did.

The warm fire and Port were starting to work their magic and for the first time in months I actually felt like sleep was not something I wouldn't have to fight to achieve. "Let's get you up and into bed my boy, you look like you are half asleep."

We made our way up to the room and after I toed off my shoes and removed the minimum amount of clothing necessary to sleep, I crawled into bed. Just before Ducky left my room I spoke again, "Ducky, can we keep all of this… you know what I have said… can we keep that between us? I know Gibbs sent you to keep tabs on me but I don't want him thinking any less of me."

"I can assure you that nothing you have told me will pass these lips, and as for Jethro, he may not say it but he thinks the world of you and I highly doubt he would think any less of you than I do. In fact I think he might even be more proud of you for what you have faced… if that is at all possible." He switched off the overhead light and went to leave the room. "Sleep tight Anthony, I think you deserve a good night's sleep at the very least."

I drifted off into a deep sleep and for the first time ever my dreams of my mother were a pleasant affair, dreams of how it could have been, how it should have been and not what it was.