wise men say
it looks like rain today
it crackled on the speakers
and trickled down the sleepy subway trains
for heavy eyes could hardly hold us
aching legs that often told us
it's all worth it

We All Fall In Love Sometimes

Chapter 37: More Than Okay

"James," she whispered into the dark. The door clicked shut behind her. Her wand wavered before her, dousing light on the apartment.

It seemed normal, disorganized, far too lived-in, far too James. She wondered why, with all the money he was making, he did not have a house or even slightly larger accommodations. The thought had never occurred to her before.

She tried not to think about her own neglected apartment. She probably wouldn't be able to afford the rent on a secretary's wage. She would certainly lose her position on the Harpies – considering all the scandal, and now this. She was just terrible publicity for the team, not to mention the rule concerning physical qualifications. Lily wasn't stupid: Quidditch was a dangerous game.

Oddly enough it didn't strike her as particularly special or tragic that her sports career was virtually ended. She'd always seemed to be on the brink of such a thing; maybe once she'd loved Quidditch more than anything, but now she wasn't so sure.

"James!" she hissed, treading a bit further into the apartment. His bedroom door was closed. Her heart beat wildly and she moved to push it open. "James -"

"Lily," he said in utter surprise. He was sitting on the edge of his bed, dressed in an old white T-shirt and boxer shorts. "I thought I heard a noise."

"Your front door was open," she said breathlessly, lowering her wand. "I – was worried."

The sick part was, she actually felt embarrassed. Shy, even. For what? Caring about the man who'd apparently impregnated her?

"It's so late," he said, getting up. He took the wand from her hand and muttered, "Knox," so that they were entwined in the dark. James's hand smoothed her hair and he pressed his lips gently to her cheek. "What are you doing here?"

She didn't answer. "Did I wake you?"

He pulled away to look at her. "No. I wasn't sleeping."

His eyes shone darkly in the moonlight that was streaming in from the open window. She could hardly hold back from kissing him then, from saying I'm lonely and I'm lost and I need you, James, please…

"Come here." He stepped back and sat on his bed, patting the place beside him. Tentatively Lily slipped of her shoes and cloak and joined him there, content to relax in his embrace.

She uttered a shuddering sigh. "So…"

"So."

James looked rather nervous as he squeezed her shoulders warmly. "I've been giving this some thought," he said, without having to explain what this was. Her heart leapt to her throat.

"You have?"

He nodded, looking at her with bemused eyes. "I… want to be here for you. I think I want to establish that, because…" he swallowed "- because I love you, and I'll love our child, Lily, even if, erm, we're not ready to be parents yet."

He said this all rather quickly, then added, "I'm still sort of disbelieving."

"Yeah. Me, too." Lily looked at her feet, then back up at him. "I… am glad you want to help. But James… I know this isn't the way you planned your life going. So I would blame you if…"

"Sometimes life doesn't go according to plan," James said quietly. He took her fingers and squeezed them gently. "Listen. I know this may not be the best idea, but I've thought it over, and I just want to know what you think. How would you, erm, well, would you be inclined toward, erm, getting married?"

Lily was quiet for a long time. She didn't feel any of the elation or excitement that she'd imagined would accompany being proposed to. Now that it was happening, it felt like she knew it was coming, the natural next step in their relationship. All she felt was – more tense, and more confused, and more disbelieving.

"I knew it was stupid," he said to her silence, slightly deflated. She bit her lip and looked at him.

"I… would love to marry you, James," she said after a moment. "Proud to marry you, even. But I need you tell me that's really what you want, that you aren't just – doing this out of some ethical obligation…"

He looked down. "I would really like to," he said slowly. "Get married, I mean."

"Then… yes."

James gave her a weak smile and said, "That's it, then? It feels like we should've spent more time talking it over."

Lily's heart skipped a beat and she leaned over to press a kiss against his temple. She slid his glasses off to kiss him again, properly this time. When they pulled apart, she said slowly, "Well, I guess when you know, you know."

He slipped something onto her finger. It was the gold band he'd always worn on his little finger. "It's all I have right now," he whispered. "I hope it's okay."

She looked down at the shining circlet on her fourth finger. It was engraved with the tiny words: Class of 1978. "It's more than okay," she whispered back hoarsely."

"One more thing," he said in a strange voice, making her raise her head to look at him. "You're not playing tomorrow, right? Arquette's got a reserve girl?"

She skimmed her gaze over his concerned expression, his tired body, the semi-circles under his eyes, the way he looked so vulnerable without his glasses. She smoothed a hand over his wild hair, hoping against hope that after tomorrow, their slates would be clean. That he could rest. And they could love each other in peace.

"Right," she said in the same strange tone.

--

The morning of the match opened with tension stirred in the air. Wind howled and rattled the panes of James's windows as the two people in bed emitted simultaneous sighs and shifted on the mattress.

"James," Lily mumbled into her pillow, reaching her right hand to stiffly rub his shoulder. "It's time to get up."

He made a noise of complaint and turned over, snugly hugging her waist. He didn't say anything.

"James Potter," she groaned, pushing him off and sitting up. "Come on, you don't want Rusty to kick your ass."

"Rusty!" James sat straight up, his eyes wide and staring at Lily. "Today's the League Cup!"

"Nice call," she said dryly. His wire-framed glasses hung between her fingers. "Here."

He accepted them, taking a moment to appreciate the gold band that glinted on her hand. He kissed her cheek quickly. "Six hours 'til game time. Want to get some coffee before I go to prep?"

Lily shook her head. "Sorry. I have plans." And I'm not supposed to have caffeine.

He shrugged, looking slightly disappointed. Lily watched her boyfriend –no, fiancé, she remembered with a jolt – roll out of bed and tug on a pair of jeans. It took her a moment to gather motivation to get up herself.

"Lil, am I getting fat?" he asked idly, tugging on the zip of his jeans. He looked at her sidelong.

She blinked back at him. "Babe, don't even talk to me about getting fat."

He paled. "Right, right, sorry."

After they both freshened up, Lily pressed her hand against the cold glass square of a window and listened to the ominous wind. I t sounded like a pack of wolves, or a tribe of warring savages, many screams overlapping each other and hurling themselves at the apartment. She shuddered.

"You're coming to the stadium to watch, right?" James asked, coming up behind her. He leaned his chin affably on her shoulder, apparently unperturbed by the foreboding weather. "I know you wanted to play."

"I'll be there," she replied immediately, turning to give him a light kiss. "It'll really be okay. I'll be okay."

James looked at her for one moment, and all guards were down. He was beseeching, searching, completely love-burdened and vulnerable. She found she could not look at him.

"Then I'll see you soon," he said, looking away, and Lily leaned against the windowsill and watched him go.

No sooner than the door clicked shut behind him did she hear shuffling from the kitchen. "Come out, Sirius," she called, all brightness gone from her voice.

The man came into the room looking rather ashamed of himself – or rather, ashamed of James, as he observed the conspicuous lack of disarray in the bed sheets.

"You know, just because you're knocked up doesn't mean you're not totally do-able," he commented. Lily grimaced.

"Thanks, Sirius."

"Still awkward?"

"Just a little."

"Ah."

"But I'm not officially pregnant, you know. There's still the test, which I assumed you're taking me to, since my appointment's in about half an hour." She looked at him hopefully.

He shrugged. "You had two at-home tests, didn't you?"

"Yeah, but there's still about a one in one hundred chance it's wrong, right?" Her voice was scratchy and unsure. He shook his head.

"Somehow I don't think one in one hundred's going to happen, darling."

Lily sighed and turned back to the window, raking her fingers through her thick, tangled hair. "I'm going to ignore that and ask you why, how, and when you got into James's apartment."

"I'm going to ignore that and ask why, how, and when you began sneaking into other people's apartments in the dead of night," Sirius shot back, a smug half-smile creeping onto his face

Lily gaped. "You left the door open! Did James know you were here?"

"Naturally," Sirius said, taking her hand and tugging her away from her reflection. "I was going to keep him company since he couldn't sleep, but obviously he found a better alternative. But nevermind that. Let's get you to your appointment."

For a minute, she didn't know what to say.

"Thank you would suffice," he told her, squeezing her fingers. And that was when she remembered why they were friends in the first place.

Outside, the wind blew on.