Summary: I couldn't resist to Merlin-ise some classic Shakespearean plays. It was something I did with the Casson Family series a year and a half ago. It's mostly crack but there is some angst there.
Pairings: Merthur, Gwen/Morgana, Elyan/Morgana, Morgana/Lancelot, Gwen/Lancelot, Leon/Percival/Gwaine, Arthur/Gwen, Merlin/Gwen, Morgana/Merlin, one-sided Agravaine/Gwen, and Gaius/his bed.
Twelfth Night:
Arthur sat down and rubbed his temples. Never before had he had such a terrible headache but then again ever since Merlin came into his life it had been one headache after another. first the assassination attempts, conspiracies, magical beasts, and sorcerers to fight, then there was his terrible attempts to woo the Lady Morgana who is in mourning for her father, then he also has to battle daily with his strange romantic feelings for his male servants, and now there is this terrible weird doppelganger thing going on with his new manservant Gareth.
"Elyan!" Gareth cried out.
"Gwen!" cried out...err Gareth number two.
Morgana's mouth dropped open and Arthur was amazed to see her look so dumb. She usually won any battle of the wits and embarrassed everyone with her sharp tongue. They had just been arguing about why she wouldn't accept his hand in marriage when she revealed she had married Gareth, his trusted manservant (though never more trusted than Merlin). All of a sudden the three pirates Lancelot, Percival, and Gwaine entered on the scene quickly followed by his Captain of the Guard Leon who was trying to arrest them. It all got confusing when Gareth number two appeared on the scene apologising to Morgana for wounding Agravaine.
The two doppelgangers embraced warmly before number two pulled the moustache and hair of number one revealing a very beautiful alluring woman.
Arthur's headache may have just increased as everyone dropped their mouths open. "I suppose this settles it, Gareth...Erm...I mean...what is your name?"
"Guinevere, my lord, and I apologise for the deception but I had to protect myself while make an honest good living. I hope we can continue to be friends, please call me Gwen," Gar- err Guinevere babbled.
"Right," Arthur said decisively. "Morgana can remain happily married to Guinevere's brother while I marry Guinevere myself, and this pirates are obviously good swordsmen and therefore I'll make them my knights, and everyone lives happily ever after."
"What about me?" Merlin asked.
"You can clean my socks, muck out the stable, make me a bath, give me a message, and make me a headache tonic and then tomorrow-"
"I meant my happy ending, prat!"
"You're a servant, that is your happy ending," Arthur said confused.
"You're such a clotpole!" Merlin snapped before storming off.
"I don't want to be married to Elyan!" Morgana wailed much to the very awkward and nervous Elyan's relief. He didn't want to be married to Morgana; he only did it because she had a high heel to his throat. "I want to be married with Gwen!"
"Well I can't be without a wife!"
"Don't be selfish Arthur!"
"Me? You're the one-"
Gwen and Elyan decided to leave Camelot and find their fortune elsewhere. Happy to be together after believing they were dead and enjoying a satisfying life with Lancelot who tagged along (he was in love with the real Gwen...well later he was) and eventually Elyan settled down with a nice girl. Gwaine, Leon, and Percival decided to have some fun together in the tavern, Merlin was using magic to muck out the stables, and Gaius interrupted Arthur's and Morgana's bickering by entering the room dressed in yellow stockings.
"..."
"What? I hear they are the latest fashion in France."
Romeo and Juliet:
Gaius was really trying to not celebrate or roll his eyes while Uther wept and wailed over his dead son's body. It wasn't that he didn't like Arthur, in fact, he loved the boy he practically raised as his own, but Arthur had taken to being a star-crossed lover to Merlin and it irritated the pair of them to no end
"Merlin, Merlin, where art thou Merlin?"
"GO TO SLEEP ARTHUR!"
Of course, with Arthur's regular interrupting everyone's sleep with terrible attempts to woo Merlin, Uther caught on (he isn't that stupid) and banished Merlin from Camelot (because everyone wanted their sleep and Uther is a vindictive spiteful brat when he's grumpy) and decided to marry Arthur off to Princess Elena (properly this time, with a sword at his son's throat if necessary). Arthur desperate to escape this marriage and be with Merlin (to do what Gaius doesn't even want to think about it) had badgered Gaius into helping him with an elaborate (i.e. stupid) plot of faking his death.
Obviously Arthur ignored him when he said the fake poison is the dirty sock smelling sludge like potion and decided to drink the sweet smelling pink potion that was really a poison. So now Uther was crying over his dead son and Gaius wondered if he had to kick the king out so he can have his nap on time.
Merlin suddenly bursts through the door, somehow overhearing that Arthur is dead (Gwen probably told him, the old gossip), and decided to stab himself right there and then, dying slowly on his floor.
Gaius would be more distraught but he hadn't had a good night sleep for three months and decided just to let Merlin bleed out on his floor. After all, his new apprentice could prove their worth by scrubbing the blood out of the wooden floorboards.
Unfortunately it was truly a tragedy because the moment the Great Slash Dragon found out he burned Gaius' bed and eyebrows for ruining Merthur.
Hamlet:
"Arthur," a ghostly whisper echoed in the room, "Arthur...Arthur...Arthur."
Arthur sat up holding his sword and glaring. "I swear to god, Merlin, if you're under my bed again I will behead you right here and now."
"Why would your idiot of a manservant be under your bed?" a dry voice asked.
Arthur turned deadly pale as a transparent image of his father sat beside him in his bed. He dropped the sword with a loud clatter and let out a horrific scream.
"Arthur shut up!" Uther yelled. "You're not a little girl you are a great and mighty King."
"Sorry Father," Arthur mumbled meekly.
"Arthur I am here for one reason and one reason only. I need you to avenge me."
"I will hunt down that old sorcerer with all my men," Arthur said eagerly.
"What? That old man didn't kill me it was that necklace Agravaine put on my neck; it reverses all healing spells and makes them deadly curses. I want you to put that fat black robed git on the stake and burn him for me."
Arthur blinked. "Father I think being dead has done something to your head. Uncle would never hurt me."
Uther snorted. "Your manservant is right, you are an idiot," he then suddenly disappeared in a puff of smoke.
Deciding it was all a dream Arthur rolled over and went back to sleep.
The next day when he mentioned dreaming about his Father being in bed with him Merlin suddenly went on about sexual abuse.
What an idiot.
Macbeth:
Nimueh, Morgana, and Morgause huddled around the bubbling cauldron on their stove. They were dressed in clingy, long, flouncy sleeved, black dresses and matching pointed hats. They shared an amused look before throwing their heads back and cackling.
"Double, double toil and trouble," they began to chant in unison. "Fire burn and caldron bubble. Fillet of a fenny snake, In the caldron boil and bake; Eye of newt, and toe of frog, Wool of bat, and tongue of dog, Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting, Lizard's leg, and owlet's wing, - For a charm of powerful trouble, Like a hell-broth boil and bubble. Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn, and caldron bubble."
They let out another cackle only for it to be interrupted by the door slamming open and a loud thump on the floor.
"See!" Mordred shouted. "This is why I can't have friends over!"
Othello:
Arthur stared horrified at his hands. He looked up and saw Merlin stare back at him equally horrified. He was so pale, paler than usual, white as a ghost with tear tracks down his marble cheeks. Arthur felt his own cheek and realised he too was crying.
He looks down at the floor where Guinevere laid on the floor, her deep purple dress making a silk puddle on the floor and revealing some of her fine shaped legs that he had never really seen in life. Her beautiful brown eyes were dull and lifeless and her sweet soft lips were opened in a permanent shocked expression.
Lancelot sat beside her motionless, lifeless, and expressionless.
The sword stained with Guinevere's blood fell to the floor with a clatter.
Agravaine laughs coldly as he orders Lancelot's arrest and for someone to get rid of the body.
What has Arthur done?
Taming of the Shrew:
"I have decided," Uther said solemnly to his Court at a banquet, "that while it is necessary and important for my son to marry I will not consent to any sort of marriage of his until his younger sister – err I mean his foster sister, my ward, the Lady Morgana is tamed and married herself."
"What?" Morgana shrieked.
"Therefore any man is allowed to woo her and tame her and preferably take her to a great estate far away from here."
Any man that might have entertained the thought of marrying Morgana gulped at the furious look on Morgana's face and decided they were much better off with a nice daughter of a knight or nobleman.
Arthur remained single the entirety of his life but that was all right because Merlin didn't count.
Much Ado about Nothing:
"Arthur-"
"Merlin-"
"I have to talk to you-"
"I need to speak to you-"
"Look I know you're in love with me."
"I know I'm handsome and everything but you can't be in love with me."
"What?"
"Merlin I'm not in love with you...I mean I like you very much...when you're not being annoying and slacking off from your chores."
"Arthur I think you're an arrogant, selfish, idiotic, prat, why on earth would I be in love with you?"
"Well that's not very nice! I happen to be a very handsome, well mannered, intelligent, witty, good-humoured, selfless, noble King, who wouldn't be in love with me? Morgana and Gwen were very certain you were in love with me."
"There you go again! Being arrogant! Hang on, Morgana and Gwen said I was in love with you?"
"Yes I did just say that, you're awfully slow today, Merlin."
"Morgana and Gwen were the ones who said you were in love with me!"
"..."
"..."
"Merlin let's get our own back on them by pretending to be a couple!"
"Can't we just apple pie their beds?"
"Stop whinging and kiss me."
"Wha- hmph!"
Richard III:
"For the last time my uncle isn't evil nor is he trying to usurp my throne!" Arthur shouted.
Gwen, Gaius, and Merlin all rolled their eyes at this. They had decided to work together and give Arthur an intervention on his blind stupid loyalty to the Uncle he never knew until recently. However Arthur just proved to be as stupid as before as well as a stubborn ass and wouldn't listen to them.
"Arthur I saw him with Morgana," Merlin said exasperatedly.
"You're delusional."
"Arthur he keeps looking at my cleavage," Gwen said hoping to turn Arthur against his uncle through jealousy.
"Wear less revealing dresses."
Merlin face palmed, Arthur might not have realised it but he just implied that Gwen was a lady of the night and that meant she wasn't going to talk to him for a very long time, which meant Merlin has to put up with all the moaning and whinging.
"He conspired against me!" Gaius said indignantly.
"He made a valid logical argument."
Gwen, Merlin, and Gaius all snorted and mutually decided in telepathic means that Arthur should have a vomit inducing potion tonight.
"He wears black!" Merlin shouted desperately.
"He's a widower!" Arthur protested.
Agravaine ran past them, he was very late for his top secret meeting with Morgana, and he couldn't find a horse.
"A horse!" he shouted. "A horse for my kingdom!"
Everyone shot Arthur a pointed look.
"Now you're just being silly."
Midsummer Night's Dream:
The spirits of the forest were highly amused. First the Queen of Camelot ran off with Sir Lancelot, followed by the great warlock Merlin who hoped to persuade Guinevere – or rather Gwen has he called her – to return to Arthur, only for him to be ambushed by Morgana who wanted her revenge. The Fairy King and Queen were at odd ends and their servant Puck accidentally ruined the King's plan to humiliate his wife by using the love juice on all of them.
Now Lancelot was in love with Morgana, Morgana was in love with Merlin, and Merlin was in love with Gwen and they were all chasing each other in a great big circle around a tree.
Sitting against the tree sulking was the King Arthur himself who for some reason was sporting a pair of donkey ears and every time he spoke he brayed like a donkey.
The spirits of the forest only wished they had popcorn for this show.