Okay, so here it is finally. There's something of a revelation at the end. One I've been dropping clues for (and teasing you about for ages). Remember a certain event in Jude's flashbacks?

Anyway, hope you like and it sorry about any typos or grammatical errors. It hasn't been beta'd.

Please comment!!

Chapter 37: Regret

"Jude?" Tommy watched intently as she let the letter slip from her hands. It slowly floated to the floor and neither made any move to retrieve it.

She put a hand to her forehead, softly shaking her head, "I never knew. I never asked him about his family," she whispered slowly

Tommy was annoyed by her sudden guilt. He raised his hands questioningly, "When? When he was attacking you at some party, lying to you or threatening you?"

She fixed her sad gaze on him and he was hit with it's reprimanding nature. Justin's faults weren't the point now and he could tell she thought less of him for holding on to the same old grudges. "Tommy," she sighed.

"It's not your fault," he stood in front of her and put his hands on her shoulder, the other lifting her chin so she was looking up at him. "It's sad, yeah, but it's not an excuse, there's nothing you can do about it and it's not your fault."

"Uh-huh," she lowered her gaze to stare blankly at a button on his shirt.

"If anything it's mine," he said softly, taking a step back and then turning to the window. It was so familiar; one minute his full attention had been on her, fully there and available to help and the next moment he'd detached himself so subtly. He was the Island and she was stranded on some distant short looking out over the vast ocean that separated them.

She wanted to push him and find out the meaning behind his cryptic statement but the timing was off. Instead she sank down onto an armchair, pulling her feet up onto the chair in front of her as she hugged her knees to her chest – at least as much as her inflated stomach would allow. Closing her eyes she allowed Justin's face to float in front of her eyes. She barred the dark memories and instead focused on the happy times they'd spent together when she didn't realize who he was. She'd seen another side of him then and though in recent month's she'd convinced herself it was a lie she now realized it wasn't. He had the capacity to be a great guy and perhaps if things had been different and if they'd each not made the mistakes they'd made… he could have been someone she'd loved, just as he'd hoped and so screwed things up by trying to bring about.

"You okay?" Tommy asked, turning from the window to look at her questioningly.

She opened her eyes, her vision now blurred by the tears that were pooling in them. "Yeah, I'm just going to go have a shower. She stood up, wrapping her dressing gown around her tightly as she walked past him and out to the hallway.

"I'll make us some breakfast," he called after her as he ran a hand through his hair and sighed as he watched her depart.

---

"Where's Jude?" Sadie asked as Tommy walked into G-Major later that morning.

"She wasn't feeling that great so I gave her the day off," he explained as he paused to lean on her desk.

"She called and told me about Justin," she explained with a sight nod, "gosh, I don't know what to think about the whole thing…"

"I think that's Jude's problem. She doesn't know how she's supposed to feel," he gritted his teeth, his fingers curling into a fist as he brought a hand down on the counter with a thud, "She keeps insisting it wasn't all his fault, that she was to blame too but I don't buy it," he remarked angrily.

Eyeing him warily, Sadie reached forward and patted his hand gingerly, not lingering as if in fear that would push his anger over the edge. "Maybe that's true? Jude's no fool. I used to joke she should be a Judge when we were little; she could be so… wise sometimes about things like that. If she says it didn't happen the way we're thinking then maybe she's right? I know she hasn't told either of us everything that happened and she probably never will. Maybe he wasn't a monster? Maybe he was just a stupid kid who made a mistake…"

Tommy stared at his hands as if his cuticles fascinated him, somehow resembling a rebellious little boy who didn't want to accept the truth. "Wow Sadie, you can be frustrating sometimes." She looked taken aback and he embellished, "just let me hate him. It's easier that way."

---

Jude scrolled through a local news website, searching out Justin's name in the latest headlines. Eventually she found a small blurb.

Local boy killed in automobile accident. Justin Butler, age seventeen, a ward of the state was hit by a truck when crossing the road at a busy intersection on Harrows Street in the early afternoon. A police report into the incident is underway and many are blaming the incident on ingestion caused by recent road works in the area.

She propped her chin up on her hand as she blinked at the harsh light of the computer screen. No character quotations from family or friends, just an analytical collection of sentences that most people would flit over without a second thought. How sad to be so alone in the world in life and death.

She thought of her parents. A year ago she'd had a mother, father and sister. Now she just had a sister and Tommy… whatever he could be described as. She used to be so scared she'd end up completely alone in life but with the impending birth of her child that couldn't really ever happen, not for eighteen years at least.

She couldn't allow her daughter to ever feel the way Justin did. She would be and provide the best family she could. She would be the best mother she could and she would make sure her daughter had people present in her life to help and guide her and most importantly… to love and protect her.

The insistent ringing of a phone interrupted her thoughts and she quickly got up and went in search for the phone. For whatever the phone was always elusive, deposited in the strangest of places. Jude wouldn't be surprised if she someday found it in the freezer.

"Hello?" she asked breathlessly when she finally located the phone.

"I think I have the wrong number. I'm looking for Thomas Dutois," a woman's voice explained nervously.

"You've got the right number but he's not in right now," Jude explained as she scanned the room for paper and a pen, "can I take a message?"

The women sighed and after a moment's pause said curtly; "Just tell him his mother called."

Before Jude could respond the sound of the dial tone rang harshly in her ear. Frowning, she placed the phone back in it's cradle.

---

Tommy returned from G-Major to find the apartment silent and dark – something that happened rarely since Jude moved in. She was sitting by the window in the lounge gazing out at the street below, as still as a statue.

"Hey," he put down the box of CDs he'd brought home from work and gazed at her across the room, "how are you doing?"

She glanced up and he got the distinct feeling she hadn't noticed his presence until that moment. She frowned, as if wondering why he was there until recognition flittered across her face. She lifted her wrist and glanced at her watch.

"Is it really five already? I should start dinner." She made a move to get up but he raised his hands in a halting motion.

"Don't worry about it. I feel like pizza tonight or Chinese. We'll just order in." He strolled over to her casually, hands tucked into the pockets of the jacket he hadn't yet shed. "What are you looking at?"

Her gaze drifted back to the window and she shrugged, "the world," she responded softly. "See him," she lifted a hand and pointed to a man staggering about across the street, "he's been there for the last hour or so since they kicked him out of the bar down the street. He was off his head at three in the afternoon." She leaned her head against the window frame as her finger traced the man's outline on the windowpane. "I don't think he's got anywhere to go, Tommy. He just keeps standing there."

Tommy watched the man for a moment then glanced at her, taking in the distant look, the sadness in her eyes and the subtle downturn of her lips.

"There's so many people we pass by every day without knowing or caring a thing about who they are or what there lives are like," she was observing, "they're all alone without anyone to care about them. Isn't that horrible?" Her voice wobbled a little and he leaned forward and took her hand, gently pulling her away from the window and into the center of the room.

"I'm fine," she remarked dismissively with a shrug of her shoulders as she looked away from him.

"I know," he whispered as he wrapped his arms around her tightly, gently stroking her back as she slowly began to break, her shoulders beginning to heave with sobs as the tears ran down her cheeks and soaked through the fabric of his shirt.

---

After her beakdown which had lasted until her tears ran out, Jude had vanished into the bathroom to wash her face and apply some eyedrops to her stinging eyes. When she returned she found that Tommy had set up a cozy fire, put on some mellow music and turned the lights down from their normal harsh setting to a dim glow, warm enough to see by but dark enough to not harass the eyes. At any other time the setting would have seemed romantic but now it was exactly the comfort she needed.

"Pizza will be here any second," Tommy motioned to her to sit down on an arm chair he'd pulled over by the fire. As if in agreement the doorbell chimed, "and that will be it."

He disappeared from the room and Jude set about fluffing the pillows and shifting in her seat to find that position where she was comfortable that was growing increasingly elusive as her pregnancy progressed. She was aware of Tommy zipping through the room and out to the kitchen and a few minutes later he returned with the pizza and some plates, napkins, knives and forks.

"I'll never get your eating pizza with a knife and fork thing," he remarked as he handed them to her.

"I don't like greasy fingers," she remarked airily with a shrug.

He sat down in the armchair opposite and began serving slices onto plates. "The whole doorbell thing was just a front, you know," he remarked playfully, "In actuality I just finished making the pizza myself. This pizza does in fact represent my blood, sweat and tears and all for you my dear."

"Ew," Jude remarked, eyeing the pizza as if it had in fact literally been drowned in sweat. "So cooking reduces you to tears, huh? I was wondering what would do it. Interesting how this pizza looks exactly like the Pizza Hut ones…"

"Fascinating coincidence that," he smirked, happy to see the sparkle returning to her eyes.

They had been eating in comfortable silence for a few minutes when Jude remembered the phone call a few hours earlier. "Oh, your mother called before," she said it casually, as if it had been Kwest or Darius but Tommy's reaction was something entirely different. His head shot up from gazing into the fireplace to staring at her incredulously.

"Really? What did she say?"

She recounted the very brief exchange and Tommy's eyes drifted back to the flames. "Is everything okay?"

"We haven't spoken in awhile is all," he remarked with a shrug, not meeting her inquisitive gaze.

It was one of those moments where she wanted to persist in pushing past his defensive walls but her emotional state wasn't up to the undoubted rebuttal. So the questions remained unsaid and the silence returned but the comfortable atmosphere was gone.

---

Jude was leaving the bathroom and returning to her bedroom much later that night when out of the corner of her eye she noticed a dark form silhouetted in the moonlight standing by the lounge window. She jumped then looked closer.

"Tommy? What are you doing standing here in the dark?" She asked as she tucked her hands into the pockets of her robe and shivered in the cold hallway.

"Just thinking, you should get some sleep," he remarked dismissively, waving a hand over his shoulder at her.

The tone of his voice and his unusually dismissive manner had the opposite affect of it's intention. She slowly walked into the room and over to him, weaving her way between chairs and tables until she reached his side. "Are you okay?"

He closed his eyes tightly for a second as he slowly leaned forward until his forehead was leaning against the cool panel of glass. He looked down at the ground without answering her and she felt that familiar sensation of blind worry taking over her.

"I've just made so many mistakes in my life," he finally said quietly, the words coming with a sighing exhale of breath, "and it's just all coming back to me."

"Like what?" She challenged as she leaned against the window frame across from him.

He glanced up at her, shifting back from the glass for a second. His blue eyes seemed larger and sadder in the moonlight and she felt an urge to cry as she gazed at his heartbroken face.

"Tommy, you're amazing. I don't get why you're beating yourself up like this. Look at what you've done for me over the last few months."

"Because that doesn't matter," he remarked in an obstinate tone as he returned his gaze to the window and shook his head firmly.

She put a hand on her hip, "How on earth could it not matter?"

"Because it's my fault to begin with," he whispered.

"What's your fault?"

"What happened at the party," he glanced back at her briefly.

She felt her cheeks burn with embarrassment, to be discussing 'that' with him. "I wasn't aware we were talking about that…"

"All roads lead to it, right?" He asked with a sardonic snort.

She sighed, feeling very tired suddenly, despite the full nights sleep she'd just had. "I don't understand, Tommy. How is that your fault?""What time," He paused, "What time did it happen?"

Jude frowned at his unusual question. She sighed, "Midnight. I remember hearing this big old grandfather clock in the hallway striking the hour… before." She turned away from him, wishing now she hadn't sought out the meaning to his statement and wishing she could just leave.

"It is. It's my fault," Tommy's words stopped her in her tracks and she slowly turned to face him.

Smiling, she shook her head, "No. It's my fault and its Justin's fault. You had nothing to do with it."

He shook his head, his eyes on hers and she was surprised to see tears pooling in their depths. His hands were shaking and there was a tremor in his jaw as he began to speak. "The night of that party, I got a call from your cell phone. I was…" he laughed bitterly, running a shaky hand through his hair and Jude leaned a little more of her weight against the window frame, feeling dread pooling in the pit of her stomach, "I was with a girl." He shrugged, gritting his teeth together angrily, "and I didn't want any interruptions but my phone rang. I glanced at the caller ID and saw it was from your cell. It occurred to me that it was strange for you even to be calling me. I texted you occasionally about studio times or called you about some little detail but you rarely called me and certainly not at 11pm." He paused again, sighing softly.

"I ignored it because I was having too much fun to be interrupted. It was far too important," His tone was mocking and derogatory and all directed at himself. He shook his head angrily at the words. "But the phone kept ringing and I thought to myself, 'Hey, it's Jude Harrison. The girl never quits,' so I stopped and I answered it, only it wasn't you." He tilted his head to the side, glancing over at her briefly before looking away. Jude was confused, still not understanding what he was saying or what it meant though she could feel the realization struggling through her conscience and she knew something within her was pushing it back, kicking it away because she knew that realization was too big and horrible to be dealt with.

"It was some girl. I could barely make out her voice over all the noise. She was at a party." Jude's eyes widened. "She said she'd gotten your phone off of you and that you were really drunk. She said she was worried about you, that she found my name in your address book. She didn't want to call your parents and get you in trouble and I guess I was the first number she found that wasn't identified by parental identification," he sighed again, sounding tired and so regretful. "She'd called and she wanted me to come pick you up, to make sure you got home safely… to make sure nothing happened to you." He brushed away the tears in his eyes angrily, gritting his teeth once again. He lifted his gaze to meet hers, looking her in the eye as he finally admitted the guilt that had been sitting with him since the day he found her holed up in the G-Major bathroom. "I went back to my date and I didn't do anything. I could have helped you but I didn't. I just went on with my night as if nothing happened. I wasted that time with some girl whose face I don't even remember, let alone her name and if I'd gone and picked you up none of this would have happened. So you see… it's my fault."

There was a long silence; the kind that felt like an eternity but were probably only a few seconds long. Jude chewed on her bottom lip thoughtfully, trying to evaluate her feelings regarding this new development. Her silence made Tommy feel all the worse as he took it for anger or disgust.

Finally she spoke, "So when you offered to help me…" she spoke slowly, sounding out the words carefully, almost playing with the letters while stalling for time, "you did it because you felt guilty?"

"Because I hadn't helped you when you really needed it?" He shrugged, "Yes… no, I don't really know anymore. Maybe at first?"

"You're my Producer, Quincy, not my baby-sitter," she remarked dismissively.

"You needed a friend, you needed someone to care enough to help you in a time of need and I was too damn selfish to do that," he said angrily.

"I don't blame you," she lowered her head a little, tilting her face up in an attempt to look in his eyes as he avoided her, "Granted things might have gone differently had you came and tried to find me but maybe it would have ended up the same. Maybe it would have been you instead of Justin," she smirked, trying to joke as she instantly regretted the comment. Where had it come from? What on earth did it mean? "I was pretty out of it," she tried to explain away and dismiss the commen.

He frowned, "I'd never do that to you."

She sat down on the sofa, sinking into it's soft depths, closing her eyes and trying to relieve the tension in her body and the room. "I know," she opened her eyes and gazed up at him. "I kinda wish it had been you though, you know? I wish it had been you and not him."

His expression changed, something in his eyes she'd never seen before, "I'm making you uncomfortable aren't I?" she asked in a low voice.

He made a face, shaking his head, "Lil Tommy Q, remember? I don't get embarrassed or uncomfortable but I don't understand..."

"I wish she was yours and not Justin's," her voice broke and she paused, trying to compile herself, "I wish she had a father but I don't blame you - don't blame yourself. In fact, if I had a chance to change that night – to have never gone to that party I don't think I would. I wouldn't trade these last few months, I wouldn't trade my daughter and," she glanced down at her hands, picking at the chipped nail polish as she added so softly he almost didn't hear, "I wouldn't trade you."

The room was silent for a few seconds and Jude stood up. Tommy surprised her as she walked past him by reaching out and silently taking her hand. She glanced up questioningly as he pulled her into his arms and hugged her tightly. She smiled and wrapped her arms around him, resting her cheek on his chest and pausing for a moment to just savor him.

After a long enough pause for the hug to be more then a hug he slowly released her, pressing a soft kiss to the top of her head.

"I wouldn't trade you either."

She gazed up at him as she felt that secure feeling of home for the first time since their falling out.

Teasers for Chapter 38

She shook her head, blushing slightly, "I have no idea what you're babbling about."

She turned to leave but he quickly reached for her, his arms encircling her waist as he spun her around to face him and pulled her close to him. He crashed his lips into hers, a hand sliding up to cup the back of her head. She didn't push him away and instead melted into the kiss, an arm wrapping around his neck as she pulled his head toward hers.