A/N: OMGoodness!! I made myself cry as I wrote the scene between Liv and Rhett! How pathetic is that?! Are you satisfied with how I got him out of the way? My original plan had been to have him die either by a mob hit or in a plane crash on the way from Afghanistan...but I ended up loving him too much to kill him! Who knows...maybe when his year long detail is over, he will show up in a sequel when Elliot is treating Olivia badly...?? Muahahahaha!! FYourI...that was an evil laugh. Bring on the reviews! Please! " ) Bensler

Chapter 36 - Angst

Marie Stabler's Lake House ∙ Wednesday Night, July 16th

Marie was tired from the day trip. It was only an hour drive into the city, but with everything that had gone on today, she was completely exhausted. The confrontation with Kathy, the lunch and talk with Olivia, the dilemma she and Marie's two sons were in, the blowup between Kathy and Elliot, soothing the girls, the fact that Rhett was home and apparently saw something between Olivia and Elliot and yet, no one has heard from him, trying to assure Olivia things would work out...it was all just about too much for her. She was getting too old for so much angst, drama, whatever you wanted to call it...especially, at one time. She needed to shower and go to bed.

Opening the screen door, she keyed into the house. Closing the door behind her, she locked it and slid the deadbolt into place. She noticed the lamp was on by the recliner and frowned. She did not remember it being on when she left. Oh, well, that was another thing about getting older. She forgot things from time to time.

Entering the kitchen to pour herself a glass of lemonade, she realized she smelled coffee. On the counter was a quarter of a pot and a spoon by the sugar bowl. She knew she had not brewed coffee this morning and now she was concerned. Someone had been here or possibly still was here. Gripping her cell phone, she looked around and quietly headed for the back door. She would get out of the house and call Emily who lived nearby. Stepping out onto the deck, she noticed the black Lexus SUV on the side of the house. Rhett. No wonder they could not find him. Looking toward the lake, she could barely make out the silhouette of someone sitting on the deck of the boat dock.

Dock at the Lake House ∙ Wednesday Night, July 16th

It had been hours since he had come out here to sit. Thinking. Praying. Contemplating. Meditating. And still he had no answers. Still he was confused. Heartbroken. He knew what he saw between his brother and his fiancé was more than partners, more than the best friends he knew them to be. Since finding out Elliot, his brother was also Elliot, her partner, he had not had a chance to talk to him. Or was it that he did not want to face him because he already knew the answers to his questions. He wished now that he had. Maybe if he had known that there were stronger feelings involved, maybe he would not have been so caught off guard with all of this.

Oh, who was he kidding? He knew Olivia loved Elliot...she had told him. But, she also told him she loved him, too. And, he believed her. He did. She seemed happy with him...she smiled all the time...they were so good together. He loved her so much. He just did not know if he could carry through with marrying her after now having no doubt as to how much she truly loved his brother. It was evident even through the glass and blinds of a window. It was evident to a doctor that did not really even know the two of them. What was he going to do? His being was filled with angst over the situation. What should he do?

Marie watched him quietly for a moment, praying for the strength to know what to say, how to comfort him. Aware that the next several minutes were going to be among the toughest in her mothering career, she took a minute to steel herself. With everything that was at stake, she had to be absolutely certain that she did not give poor advice. The air was thick with his grief and turmoil. She took a deep breath and stepped onto the dock.

It creaked beneath her feet causing Rhett to look up from his seat. He stood and met her half-way, taking her in his arms. She held him tightly, rubbing his back, neither saying a word. She felt his body begin to tremble and the wetness of his tears as they fell upon her neck. No matter how old your children were, there still were times when they needed Mom and her words of wisdom, her soft shoulder to cry on and her warm embrace. Rhett tried to stifle the sob that tore from him. But he could not. However, he was able to rather quickly regain his composure and he pulled away from his mother. She knew her heart had just broken for her oldest child...and it was a pain unlike any she had ever experienced.

They sat down on one of the wooden benches on the dock. She entwined her hand with his and then covered them with her other. He wiped tears away with his free hand.

"What am I suppose to do, Mom? I love her so much." His voice was quiet, cracking at the word 'love'.

"Oh, sweetheart...if only I had the answers." She squeezed his hand.

"I know she and Sonny...Elliot...have known each other a lot longer...and she told me she loves him...but she said she loves me, too. How? How can you love two people? I mean, romantically? Do you think that it's possible, Mom?" He asked her.

"I always thought it could be possible, but now that I have seen Olivia with the two of you, I'm afraid I know it is possible. That doesn't help how you feel, I know. But, she does love both of you...very much. She's very confused. She is hurting, too. Deeply. "

"How do you know all this?"

"I talked with Olivia...after what happened in the hospital room...I had to talk to her."

"You mean about Kathy not letting her see Elliot?"

"Yes." Marie did not want to tell him what Elliot had said, let him believe it was only because of what Kathy had done.

"I can't believe she would do something like that. Elliot and Kathy? Are they...are they splitting up again?"

"I think they will, yes. He told her he did not want to see her anymore and that it was over and had been over for a long time. I think he meant it, Rhett."

He sighed and ran his hand through his hair. "I asked Liv what she would do if Elliot was ever free again..."

"What did she say?"

"She didn't answer me...and then I accused her of loving my brother more than me."

"How did she react to that?"

"She told me 'not more...just different. She told me wanted to marry me, have my babies, spend the rest of her life with me...what am I supposed to do?"

"If only it were anyone but Elliot..."

He threw his head back and laughed. "If only I had kept my surname...as soon as I told her my name was Everett Stabler, she would have been gone and never looked back...if only I had the sense to ask her partner's last name...or commented that I had brother named 'Elliot'. All of this could have been avoided."

"If only Elliot had made a move when he Kathy were separated...if only Olivia had never been partnered with Elliot...if only...if only...honey, the 'if onlys' won't solve or change anything."

"I know..." He paused. "Do you think he loves her?"

She hated to answer this question because she knew how it would hurt him. "There is no doubt in my mind that he loves her, Rhett. Do you want me to be completely honest?"

"Yea...I do...I need to know, Mom...I need to be able to face it all."

"I saw something between the two of them that I have seen only rarely in my life. Rhett, they have a very special connection, a bond...I don't know what to call it and I really cannot explain it. They have this almost innate awareness of the other...and today, today they seemed to carry on a conversation with just their eyes...no words. It was truly amazing." She stopped and looked at him. He was gazing out at the lights on the lake.

She continued. "When he was coming to the first time, after the first surgery, he was positive Liv had been injured or killed. He called her name and screamed for her. The monitors were going crazy. Nothing and no one could calm him down. The doctor finally let Olivia come to him and within seconds of him hearing her voice, touching her and seeing her, his heart rhythm slowed, his breathing became normal, he calmed down. I have never seen someone have so much affect on another person. They do love each other, Rhett...deeply. All the mess with Kathy...will take some time to work out, but I do believe Elliot is through with her...and I do believe, this time, he will pursue Olivia." She could not bring herself to tell him that Elliot had told her he loved her and she could not marry Rhett, in front of several witnesses. She knew he would find out sooner or later, but she simply could not tell him that. She had already been the bearer of enough bad news.

"How do I let her go? Please...tell me how to let her go?" He whispered the words.

"Honey, you need to talk to her first...be sure that is what she wants..."

"Even if it isn't, how could I marry a woman my brother is in love with...a woman who is in love with my brother?"

"Oh, Rhett...it is so mixed up..."

"Maybe I was put in her life to make them realize what they felt for each other...maybe this is God's way of letting me make up to Sonny for being gone so long...for abandoning him. I can't...I can't marry her, Mom. I can't do that...to any of us. I would always be waiting for her to leave me or have an affair with...with my brother...with Elliot...always wondering did she still love him more...I would know that I took the woman that he is in love with...and I love my brother too much to do that. And, Olivia? I love her more than life itself. There is no way I could marry her and strip her of ever being able to find out if she and Elliot had a chance. I love her, Mom, with all my heart. I love her enough to let her go...no matter how bad it hurts me."

"Oh, honey..." Marie went to him and pulled him into another hug as their tears fell freely.

SVU Squad Room ∙ Thursday Morning, July 17th

"All right people what it the latest on the Tarasov case? We should just about have our end wrapped up and the final reports ready for the FBI. Munch, Fin, fill us in on your talk with Mona Petrovsky yesterday." Cragen stood near Munch's desk with his hands in his trouser pockets.

"Yes, Sir. Elliot was right...she made him. She was with Paul the night he drugged Liv and took her to her apartment. She saw a photo of Liv and Elliot together on Liv's lamp table. That's why Elliot looked familiar to her. When she realized where she had seen him...or his picture...she knew then that he couldn't be who he said he was and must be a cop, too." Munch explained.

Olivia was upset at this news. She stared at pictures lining her desk top, lost in her thoughts. "It's my fault El got shot."

They all looked at her. "What? It is not your fault, Olivia!" Cragen told her.

"Yes, it is. If I hadn't had that picture of us..." She started.

"You kiddin' me? Ain't no way you can blame yo'self for having pictures of yo' friends in yo' own home!" Fin stormed at her, not willing to let herself indulge in this blame game, his street talk flaring like it did when he was angry or frustrated.

"Liv...you know better than to go down that road. Nothing you did or didn't do caused Elliot to get shot. It just happened. It's the nature of the work we are in...you know that." Dean Porter had come around to her and put a hand on her shoulder.

She nodded and whispered. "You're right. I know that. You're right."

"Okay...let's move on. Any leads on our photographer, Robert Sollecito?" Cragen looked at his detectives, his eyes lingering on Olivia just a moment longer. He knew she was going to continue to blame herself for Elliot being shot.

"Well, we know he has experience in digital editing so we are relatively certain he was the one who edited those wedding pictures to make it look like it was Olivia and Rhett. Casey is getting a warrant to cover his home computer." Munch took his glasses off and began cleaning them.

"You ain't gonna b'lieve this...Rob, as he is called by everyone, is the fiancé of a Jennifer Richardson..."

As soon as Olivia heard that name, her head snapped up. She should know that name. Where had she heard it? Before she could ask, Fin continued.

"She works for CNN as a video editor and her colleague is Rhett Chapman." He finished and looked over at Olivia. She met his gaze with wide eyes.

Jen. Yes, that was it. Jen Richardson. She had met her that day at the deli when she and Dean ran into Rhett and his co-workers and they tried to make her jealous. She was engaged to one of the Sollecitos? She glanced at Dean who nodded his head at her.

"Dean and I've met her. Do you think she was involved in this?" Olivia was incredulous, remembering the pretty woman.

"Not knowingly. But, it does seem that she talked to Rob about you and Rhett and mentioned the case you were working on. Rhett must have told Ms. Richardson. We're certain that was how Rob knew who you were and could then provide personal information along with the pictures. Jennifer has to be how Paul knew Rhett was out of town that night he drugged you at the bar." Munch had taken a seat on the corner of her desk.

Olivia's eyes darted everywhere as she processed all of this information. She tried to remember what she had told Rhett about the ongoing investigation. She knew it would not have been much or very detailed because she was very cautious about doing that, knowing it could affect the case if the information fell into the wrong hands. And besides, there were legal ramifications as well, so she never gave names. No, anything she said would have been common knowledge...things that were issued in their press releases. Of this, she was certain.

"You'll have to talk to Rhett, won't you?" It was more a statement than a question. She knew they would.

"Liv...we really do not see him being involved in this...we just have to talk to him and see what he might have told Jennifer and if her story concurs with his. That's all." Dean tried to assure her.

"When's he due back?" Fin asked her, knowing she knew what they were thinking.

"He's home..." She told him. She knew they had to rule out that Rhett was somehow willingly involved with this, even though she knew he was not.

"Thought he was going to be gone three weeks?" Cragen was surprised at this information.

"He came home early because of Elliot..." She answered without looking up.

"You haven't mentioned that he..." Cragen began but was interrupted.

"He came in unannounced yesterday...I haven't seen him...yet..." She trailed off, a tightness settling in her stomach.

Cragen's eyes narrowed as he watched her. Something was up between them if she had not seen him yet and was, apparently, unaware that he was coming home early. He sensed her inner turmoil and confusion. He knew about Elliot and Kathy's fight and he was certain that his two detectives did some heavy talking, but most of this was pure speculation. He only knew that things were precarious between Olivia and Rhett now that it looked like Elliot was about to be a free man. And he hoped, however things worked out, she would find happiness. She deserved it.

The meeting over, Munch and Fin started in on their paper work. Dean turned back to the computer and began typing. Olivia followed Captain Cragen to his office.

"Captain...I've got something I need to take care of...do you mind if I take an hour or so?" She asked as she twisted her watch over and over on her wrist.

He looked at her for a long moment. "That's fine. You have plenty of leave."

"Thank you, Sir." She turned to go.

"Tell Rhett, Munch and Fin will be paying him a visit." He picked up a file from his desk and opened it.

She paused, then nodded her head and left.

Stabler Residence ∙ Thursday Morning, July 17th

The shrill ringing of the telephone had Kathy running to answer it. Just minutes ago, she had laid Eli down for a nap in his playpen in the living room. She didn't want him to wake up.

She grabbed it before the second ring complete, whispering a greeting. "Hello."

"Kathy?" A male voice questioned.

"Yes." She thought she recognized the voice, but could not place it.

"This is Paul. Paul Carmen. How are you doing?" The man identified himself.

Suddenly, every nerve was on edge and the angst that settled within her caused her stomach to clench as her heart skipped a beat. Elliot had wasted no time. The girls told her had been put in a regular room yesterday afternoon and now that he had a phone, he could take care of things himself. Apparently, his first order business was their marriage. Paul Carmen was their divorce attorney.

She took a deep breath and ignored his question. "Elliot must have called you."

"Yes. I'm sorry, Kath. He told me to start proceedings again. I have some papers you need to sign. Can you come by sometime today or tomorrow? I'm going to see him today about the details. If you are still in agreement with the original terms, we can just make adjustments for Eli and things should go fairly smoothly and quickly."

The Stablers and the Carmens had been friends for years. One of their kids was in the twins class at school and that was how they had met. Paul hated to see them split again.

Kathy had to make herself answer him evenly. "I'll look over the original terms, Paul, and let you know when I come to sign the papers. I can come by late this afternoon."

"That will work. See you then, Kathy." He hung up, leaving the dial tone ringing in her ears.

She had really messed up when she kept Olivia from seeing Elliot. She knew he would be furious, but she never dreamed he would do this. She should have know him well enough to know that he would. Maureen understood what the fallout would be and she did not even have to think about it. She knew her father better than his own wife did. Kathy knew she had no one to blame but herself.

Then again, she was surprised that the strongest emotion she felt was relief. She was so sick and tired of their fighting, bickering, arguing. She still loved Elliot but she was no longer in love with him and the co-existing they had done for the last year was not how she wanted to spend the rest of her life. If splitting up meant that each of them would have the opportunity to find someone more compatible, then that would be good. She was sure he already had his 'someone' and she would find someone, too.

Chapman Residence ∙ Thursday Morning, July 17th

Heart pounding, breathing difficult, stomach rolling like a ship in storm, she took a deep breath and knocked on the door. She had always wondered about the word angst and exactly what it meant. But, now she knew. She felt the intense emotional strife of warring withing her. She had a decision to make. Possibly the most important decision of her life. Yes. She was definitely feeling the angst. She decided she did not like the feeling and she did not like the word.

Waiting just a moment, she knocked again. His car was parked out front but he could have taken a cab, she thought. Upon her third series of knocks, she heard the locks being undone and then the door opened. Rhett stood before her in a pair of khaki cargo shorts, a worn out navy blue Atlanta Braves tee shirt and barefoot. His hair was damp, apparently, having not long ago stepped out of the shower. He looked so good. Olivia was surprised at the strength of her emotions when she saw him. She had missed him. She did love him. She did not want to hurt him.

She was dressed for work. Purple shirt with a white tank peeking from underneath it, a thin black jacket and faded black jeans. Her badge was clipped to her belt, a tiny sliver of tanned skinned visible at her waistline. This woman would still look incredible even in the most nondescript clothing, Rhett thought to himself. Here she was looking absolutely stunning in her casual work clothes, her hair falling over her right eye. She reached to brush it back, but Rhett beat her to it. Her skin burned from his touch and she involuntarily leaned toward his hand.

It was awkward for her because she knew what he must have seen between her and Elliot. However, he did not know that she was aware of that and he wanted everything to seem the same between them. He would have given anything if it had been. He pulled her into a warm embrace, hugging her tightly. He pulled away and then framed her face with his hands, kissing her deeply. She responded to him immediately and his mind screamed that he would never be able to let her go. He broke the kiss and pulled her back to him, breathing heavily.

He began memorizing everything about her. How she fit perfectly beneath his arms, her head just at his chin, how soft yet firm she was, the fragrance of her perfume, her shampoo, her. How warm she was against him and how he could feel her breath on his chest even through his shirt. He was aware of her hands on his back, her fingers spread out, caressing him. It was going to kill him to give her up. But, he convinced himself he could do it...for her. For his brother. For himself. He could. He had no choice. Not really. And he knew that.

It felt so good to be held by him. She could not believe he was home. She felt his strong arms around her, running up her back, massaging her neck, his hands tangling in her hair. He was wearing the Paul Sebastian cologne she had given him when they had been dating a month. It was her favorite and she inhaled deeply, enjoying it. She had missed him and she did love him. Very much. But, yes, she loved Elliot more. Rhett's kiss was sweet, yet, it seemed desperate, too. Perhaps, he knew, as she suspected, it may be their last.

"Oh, Rhett...I missed you so much." She whispered against him.

"I missed you, too, Liv. More than you know." He kissed the top of her head, hairs tickling his face.

"Why didn't you tell me you were coming home?" She stayed close to him, still talking into his chest.

"I tried...but international phone service is really screwed up...then I decided to surprise you instead." His eyes were closed, just enjoying the feel of her in his arms.

She gently pulled away from him. "Rhett, I have to talk to you about something...I..."

He cut her off. "Okay, but I have something to tell you first..."

He led her to the living room and motioned for her to sit down. She stared at him and then looked at the seat. "Thanks, but think I'd rather stand." She had the feeling this was not going to be good.

He took a couple of steps, coming to stand about three feet from her. He took her hands in his, intertwining them. "Okay. Before I left for this assignment, I was offered a position which I turned down. It's only a year long detail, but I've reconsidered it and decided that it is too good of an opportunity to pass up."

"Why would you have passed it up to start with?" She asked, her stomach roiling now.

"It's...uh...it's...in London...and I knew you wouldn't want to go...leave your job...and I couldn't ask you to do that for me." He took a deep breath, released her left hand and reached out to touch her left cheek with his right hand.

"So, you made that decision without even talking to me about it?" She put her hand over his.

"Liv, I could never ask you to give up your career to further mine. And I was doing fine in New York." His eyes were beautiful, but from the darker blue she knew he was anguished.

"But, now you can?" She was a bit confused, not quite understanding the implication of his announcement.

He smiled a slow, sad smile and took her face in his hands once again. She wrapped her hands around his forearms.

"I'm not asking you to come with me, Liv. I know you won't. You can't. You have to be here for Elliot." His eyes were shimmering with unshed tears and he blinked rapidly in an effort to hold them back.

When the realization of what he was doing hit her, tears spurted from her eyes and she turned her head to wipe them away. He kissed her lips, her nose, her forehead, then pulled her away so he could look into her eyes. He was giving her an out, making himself the bad guy, instead of her. He was letting her go. He was giving her the freedom to go to Elliot. His brother. It hurt. Oh, how it hurt! Her. Him. She was devastated. Relieved. Crushed. Grateful.

"You saw us...in the hospital..." She spoke softly, not sure if it was a question or a statement.

"Yea..." He looked deeply into her eyes. "Liv...I have never loved a woman...anyone...like I love you. I will always love you. And I will always be there for you if you ever need me...for anything. But, we can't...I can't do this...I can't marry you knowing you are in love with my brother and he with you."

He paused, watching as her chin began to quiver and tears continued streaming down her face. "I know there has been something between the two of you for a long time...maybe even longer than you guys realize. I love my brother and I don't want to hurt him...I never meant to fall in love with the woman he loved, too. And I do love you, Liv, enough to give you a chance to be with him. I love you enough to let you go."

The sobs came from deep within, tearing a piece of her heart and soul out as they ripped from her and she collapsed into Rhett's arms. She felt his body shaking and trembling with hers and his own sobs only magnified her pain. They clung to each other for what seemed to be an eternity...until their sobbing became crying and their crying, at long last, ceased, the last tear spent. Then they just held each other, tightly. Caressing, patting, squeezing, holding on to each other, knowing that once they let go, they would be finished. There would be no Liv and Rhett. It would be over. It had to be over.

xxxxxx